just to save you the trouble
Current mood: nauseated
Category: Romance and Relationships

WARNING: this is gross.

if you smell a rotting dead mouse
(they smell like strong raw chicken)
and you think it's in the oven,
but you can't see it,
don't try to incinerate it unless you are able to leave all your windows open and exit the building for an extended period of time!
because cooking rotting dead mouse is fucking atrocious!
(thank god it's not my oven.)
now don't say i never told you.

7:41 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

i’m game.

Leave your name (only your name) in a blog comment and:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.

If you do this, you MUST post this on your blog, in all fairness....

i'm just gonna leave my christmas wish list up till next year.

striped socks.
all different kinds.







bearings for my outdoor wheels.
and all other things roller derby related.
outdoor skates, toe guards, bling, new pads, a rad helmet...






a wii-phone.
just kidding, there's no such thing.






but there is an i-phone...

and i would sure love one!






a digitizing tablet to help me create incredible graphic designs,
a shop-vac (got one!),
panties,
quality cat food...

oh and rum.

oh and a wedding ring (got one! thanks rachael!).

and a new camera. mine sucks.

and a nintendo DS.

Currently listening : Punk Rock Christmas By Various Artists Release date: 10 October, 1995

9:45 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

aw man. tag i’m it. *(edited)*
Current mood: chipper

in case you are unfamiliar with this game dear readers, once you're listed you have to post 10 strange/random/unknown facts about yourself, and "tag" ten people to pass it on to. Simple enough, right? Let's begin.

1. i have become so hooked on guitar hero that i actually do my homework, at school, so when I come home I can rock out with my c*@k out, all nite long....*(yeah this hasn't changed is the past month)*

2. i am super happy, *(to the point of embarrassment)* though i seem to have gained some distance from some friends.

3. when i was like 10 i stole my mom's cigarettes and smoked them in bed. *(sorry mom.)*

4. i love *(love is a strong word, but i do get a kick out of it.)* the smell of my pee when i have had lotsa coffee.

5. mcDonald's has finally lost it's appeal. *(that's so for real)*

6. i love my mom.

7. i am a terrible liar, for real, and that's okay with me.

8. as a teen i tried to be bulimic but couldn't hack it. *(i thought that was punny, whilst being true. is that bad?)*

9. i like country music, to the dismay of most of my friends. even some new country.

10. pornography makes me sad.


those I am tagging:
everyone, anyone!
i want it all.
(not just a cop-out, at least i don't think so...)

it's just like... i showed you mine now show me yours.

roller derby queen in the making
Current mood: savage

roller derby.

i love it.
i am embracing it.
i wore my skates all over the house last night.
that scares chris,
and am not allowed to have glass in my hands with skates on.
that's fine, it didn't work well last time i tried it anyways.
(remember camping kristin, my skateboard accident?)
i love it.
my derby name is moneyCuz.
'i do it for the moneyCuz i need it.'
(no, we don't really get paid, yet)
my number is $


pictures are coming soon.

Currently listening : You Don’t Mess Around With Jim By Jim Croce Release date: 04 July, 2006

1:18 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

yellow-fish blue-fish

really strange things happen sometimes.

morning. i wake up with a start, thinking ohmigodamigonnamissthebussagain?? the clock blinks 7:15... ahh. half an hour to go at least. i pulled the comforter up over my chin, and am back to sleep.

i am little, and i am going swimming in the fish tank? i touch the side of the tank and... c-r-a-c-k-p-o-p-b-o-o-m. it was like a set up. a one-inch strip of glass straight as a ruler popped out and w-h-o-o-s-h the water starts pouring out. on my bed. the fish tank appears to be atop my comforter. i jump out of the tank, i am normal size again. i try to hold the tank together with one hand and a foot. i use the other foot to stand and the other hand to call randi (the raddest neighbor ever). but i couldn't dial in this way. so i wrap my comforter around the fish tank hoping to slow the water or at least catch the fish while i ran to the kitchen and grabbed the fish net and a pitcher. i ran back to my room, and am oddly not surprised to see colleen (a friends mom, and a friend unto herself), sitting on my bed and holding the tank together. i hand her the net, she scoops and dumps. i peer into the pitcher. there is sucker-fish, looking pale and scared, and a couple of the teenie-weenies, and there is blue-fish... but no yellow-fish. i frantically search among the rubble for yellow-fish. i don't like blue-fish! [yellow-fish gets bullied by blue-fish, and i am a sucker for the underdog.] why was blue-fish saved? where is yellow-fish? then i wake up.

weird... whoa. gross! swimming in the fish tank? eewww.

the clock blinks 7:50. now i do need to get up or i will miss the bus. yawn. stretch. up. pee. turn the computer on, and get going on coffee and toast. check mySpace. toast pops. butter. bite. start grabbing the books i need for the day. i approach my backpack to deposit my books, and then i see blue-fish. on the ground. out of the tank. eewwww. i am a screamer. i scream ewww!!! i run and grab the net, this time for real. i poke him. his tail flops. i scoop him up with a spatula and throw him in the pitcher, this time for real. he seemed like he might make it. suffice it to say he didn't.

it's weird like, i heard his struggle and dreamed about it, and he woke me up to go save him.
or maybe he heard my struggle and jumped ship to save me the trouble of trading him in.

now yellow-fish swims all over the tank, appearing quite content. and now i have guilt for being a hater. who's the underdog now? blue-fish. i hope you are happier wherever you are now.

for more strange tales...

finding my religion

i did not grow up in a religious household. as a child i spent summers at my grandma's, and she would take me to church with her, but that's about it. grandma loved her church. she loved sharing food at church events and chatting about health and family. i define that as being part of a community. i think we all want to feel we belong to something, and grandma felt she belonged at her church. the thing that confused me was that she barely knew her neighbors.

i wanted to feel the spirituality that grandma said came from believing in god, but I didn't get it. when she spoke of her gratitude for god's protection, i wondered how she could feel protected by something she could not touch or see, but only feel. i found protection in my mother, our neighbors, food that nourished my body, the plants outside our home which provided me with places to play and hide.

in the summer of 2002, i worked as a cook for a trail crew. my then two-year-old son nate and i spent three months in the trinity alps wilderness. we would hike into each camp, and have our supplies brought in weekly by a mule train. one of our camps was 12 miles in. we set out early with lunch, water, and a backpack for me to carry him when he tired. we were to meet the crew at camp, aiming to arrive in the afternoon.

at the trailhead the dirt was dry and dusty, the tall trees provided shade, and a river ran close by. following the curves of the river, we climbed the trail until it made my heart skip a beat to look off to the side at the riverbed far below. rounding a bend, we came upon a horse tied to a tree, and it took a moment to find the owner. his arm was bandaged. he was with the mule train carrying our camps food and my gear. two horses and the mule train had fallen down the steep incline toward the river. the man was confident that the horses could be encouraged out, and it was early enough to get another crew to bring our supplies out. there was little i could do but carry the word on to the crew.

continuing on, my son grew tired and i carried him. the trail became sandy and rocky, it became fun for me to plant my steps as if in a dance with the rocks on the trail. climbing eventually became difficult, but soon enough nate awoke, hopped off my back and on to the trail, refreshed and able to do his own dance along our path. the river came and went as we climbed and descended along the mountain side trail. arriving atop a ridge, we were rewarded with a truly awesome view. looking down upon the treetops i had only minutes before been walking through, out to where the forested mountain ridges begin to duplicate the color of the sky. as we sat to eat lunch, i tried to pinpoint our riverside trail thus far through the topography.

with our bellies full and the warm sun behind us, we dropped down the other side of the ridge. we traveled along the mountain side, slowly descending amongst a forest of large pine trees. nate and i peeked amongst the small shrubs hoping to spot a squirrel or a rabbit. as the mountain gave way to flatter ground, nate was again asleep on my back.

the trees became tall, thin, and sparse, but so deep that you could not see beyond them. i was reminded of children's books and horror movies, where a creature could pop in and out amongst the trees. i suddenly stopped in my tracks, mouth wide open in awe. the towering ashen-white skeleton of a tree was standing alone in the center of a huge circle barren of even one other tree. this lone ancient tree was larger by ten or more times than any tree in the vicinity. nothing but a few wild grasses grew under what had been its canopy, perhaps one hundred feet across.

i must have stood there staring for twenty minutes, drinking in the surroundings. i no longer felt like a creature might pop out from the trees. i had goose bumps and reverence for this tree and the time that had passed since its needles were green. it felt as if it had grown in a time before the one i stood in, and no new tree dared crowd it out before it was ready to make its final exit. i became grateful for nate's slumber, as it allowed me uninterrupted admiration. here i felt protected by the natural order of life.

it was hard to leave this wonderful place, but i had to keep going. hiking on and up, a new creek came to meet us, and we played peek-a-boo with it as we traveled. the creek made a quick turn to the east, it became apparent that we were headed up a ridge to the west. nate and i danced up the trail together, up and over, then down into a lush green meadow. at a convergence of trails i consulted my map and the landscape, chose our route and carried on. we hiked over a mile in the wrong direction, clear to the other side of the meadow and partway up another ridge before i realized my error. night was growing close and i was not prepared to get lost. with no warm clothes and little water, i remained calm, knowing panic was not a friend in the wilderness. plugging along, and I felt in my gut that this was not a scary place. i took comfort in my knowledge of the map, even after getting it wrong once. up and out of the meadow, we got to the top of the correct ridge. the shadows were growing long and the evening chill was whispering through the trees. my pace quickened, and just as the sun was setting, we saw the camp. we were greeted by familiar faces, hugs, water, and a warm fire. talk about gratitude.

armed with the news that our food and supplies had been delayed, the dynamic of the camp was put to the test. everyone pulled what food they had and piled it together. we saved a stash for breakfast, unsure when our supplies would arrive. together we prepared a delicious, though strange meal of strips of PB&J sandwiches, top ramen, and fruits. when our supplies did not show up that evening, the trail boss, sage, gave nate and i his sleeping bag, and he spent that night in his jacket with his feet in his backpack.

this was community, people who cared for and protected each other. in the morning, as we brewed coffee and breakfasted on shared granola bars, the mule-train arrived, and a sigh of relief was breathed throughout camp.

i no longer wonder what religion is or if i will ever get it, and i don't need to accept my grandma's definition. i guess i knew it all along. i find protection in my mother, our neighbors, food that nourishes my body, the plants outside my home which provide my family with places to play and hide. i am comforted by my place in our world, it is tangible to me, and i believe it because i can touch it, see it, and feel it. i am a part of the community right here in my neighborhood, and we care for and protect each other. i get that.

x-mas, i mean... christmas, spirit
Current mood: my toes are freezing!

i am struggling to get in the holiday spirit.

it's easy for me in october,
but it's not october...

i wonder why i despise it so. was it the bike i didn't get when i was nine?



the bike with the bitchen handlebars...



the exact bike that was under the tree christmas morning!!


but my name is not danny!
my cousin's name is danny.



i got a plastic blue skateboard with bright yellow plastic wheels,
which i promptly took to the streets.

a very steep street.

with no helmet.

i tend to avoid yucky things,
so i won't go find a picture of a little girl
with her head cracked open and bleeding on the pavement.

but i will find
that damned (danged)
x-mas, i mean christmas
spirit. somewhere.

Currently listening : A Charlie Brown Christmas By Vince Guaraldi Release date: 10 October, 2006

9:45 AM - 7 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

This past Thursday...

B. on left, and K. on right, this past Thursday.

5:00 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

coffee
Current mood: awake

i love my morning coffee. it is the first thought i have when i wake up. i stumble into the kitchen, pull the carafe from the coffee maker and set it under the kitchen faucet. as the cold water pours in, my mouth waters. pulling the jar of coffee down from the shelf, i admire the dark grounds. when i crack the jar the aroma drifts out, mmmm... i scoop the grounds into the filter, and imagine the path this coffee has taken. a red berry picked from a bush, roasted until brown, then packaged and delivered to the market. now in my kitchen, i turn on the coffee maker, grateful for the electricity that powers it.

in a moment, the coffee begins to drizzle into the carafe, changing the cool water into hot coffee. when the carafe is full, i pour myself a cup. two small spoons of brown sugar compliment the earthy taste, and a pour of half-n-half to ease the bitterness of strong coffee. i love this part of the day. i sip, and look forward to the warmth in my cup reaching the chill in my toes.

manila dune walk (revised)

a thin fog separates me from the sun, the blue skies almost discernible beyond the grey cover. the wind blows salty and brisk. golden sands cushion my footsteps, as if I am walking on clouds. this dune is far from barren, and plant life is abundant on the trail to the beach. the bleak sky seems to brighten the vivid green colors of the huckleberry plants and beach pines that i wander through.

closer to the beach, the landscape changes. the dunes roll more gently. as proof of the impending autumn, yellow and orange colors appear in the beach grasses. the flowers are also beginning to show their fall colors. the dark orange of dried beach buckwheat and the bright yellow of beach verbena and goldenrod are scattered across the landscape.

the sun makes its appearance, peeking through a hole in the fog. it does not take long for the gap to grow, soon spreading to the entire sky. watching the dunes brighten, i marvel at the blue sky..s effect on this palette of colors. the sunlight seems to overwhelm the landscape. the oranges, yellows, and greens dull compared to the now bright sky. no longer does any one element of this place stand out over any other. a sense of equilibrium settles over the landscape.

waiting for empty space

trees show green leaves and dark branches, in front of a blanket of bright grey sky. the leaves dance, provoked by an ocean breeze. my eyes are drawn to a small plant, with vibrant, violet flowers.

time passes, and the leaves of the tree start to blend with the dark branches. they slow their dance, and then begin again. branches of the tree flash, seeming to pick up light from the air. the flowers compete with the bright sky, both grasping for attention.

the skyline sits over a coast, and the contrast is stark. it is brightest and darkest there, along the edge of the blanket of fog. as if you could stick your head out of the covers, to the bright night-light of the ocean sky.

as the sky darkens, the breeze quiets, the calm unfolds, and the colors fade. the trees become a painting in black on a blue canvas.

the sky unrolls its navy blue bedding, and the paint of the trees becomes more abstract. leaves, branches, trees, and flowers come together as one silhouette, now painted in navy blue. the paint slowly darkens, until the sky becomes empty space.

welcome to the freakshow
Current mood: cold

allow me to preface with the fact that i have 7 neighbors with 50 feet of my doorstep, and as i prefer to be a part of my neighborhood, i talk to everyone. well, one of my neighbors is super-fuckin-strange.

she is about 55, with a 10 year old son, and they make an odd looking pair. even i, who prefers to get to know my neighbor's, avoided contact with her for months. unfortunately or not, i make assumptions based on appearances. weird looking people tend to make me nervous. she has very thin hair, and she wears a wig but only, like 2 days out of the month. her wig-wearing pattern appears to have no pattern to it. most of the time she doesn't wear it, so it is somewhat disconcerting when she comes around the corner with hair all the sudden. plastic hair. then the next time i see her, she'll be all dressed-up for church, but without her plastic hair. i don't get it. to wear a wig or not to wear a wig? who cares? i don't mean to. it's just weird to wear one twice a month.

she had a car when she first moved in, and her three cats lived in it for well over a month. (we can't have pets here without a prescription stating it's for your mental well-being.) the car looked disgusting inside, and it reeked through the cracked windows. to me, this is a horrific fate for a cat, and it took all too long for her to be forced to get them out of that car. this is not somebody i necessarily want to be friends with, though her logic seemed to be about finding them a good home. okay, i guess.

so one day, i say to heck with it (i must have had too much coffee that morning), and while she stands on the sidewalk waiting for her ride, i said hello. oh-my-goodness-why-did-i-do-that? i had some yarn with me. she says "good morning. oh, do you knit?" i respond that i don't know how to knit, but i do crochet. she tells me that she doesn't know how either, but she really wants to learn. i said something about wanting to learn but not having enough time. she says, "i know i will have forever to accomplish all the things i don't have time for now. i will have time to learn to do everything i ever wanted to." she asks me if i know that i can have forever to learn everything i ever wanted too. like forever-ever. whoa. i don't follow that line of thinking. at all. "okay, that's good for you..." i say nicely. so, she's in the j-dub club. i know a few jehovah's witnesses, and really like them. no problem there, though this whole package is a looking to be a strange one for sure.

so some number of afternoon's ago, i am coming in from getting the mail. her boy is on his rollerblades, pushing laundry-on-wheels. we are going the same way, it was uncontrollable timing that left me walking right next to her. as he goes racing down the sidewalk with the laundry, she is yelling, "slow-down slow-down, oh my goodness!" i say to her, "hello. i see you have some help there, how nice." she did not seem to hear me, she is focused on the boy. "slow down!" she yells. he does not listen, i am laughing in my head, i feel like she's making a crash inevitable the way she has all her negative energy pinned on him. so off he races, he comes to the end of the sidewalk, peels out on his blades, and... boom! crash! laundry everywhere. and she says "god-damn it!" i thought for a second that i must have misheard her, because she seems to be an extremely devout jehovah's witness, and a witness wouldn't swear like that, would they? i guess she would.

now the other night, as i stepped out to the stoop for a late-night smoke, i hear some folks talking. it's my neighbor, and her son. recall the cats in the car? theoretically, this woman likes cats, as in her mind she felt she was doing those cats a service by keeping them locked up in her car. so, once a cat lover, always a cat lover? she NEVER opens her window blinds, and could theoretically be hiding a cat in there. at least this is what i assumed when i heard the son say, "come here satan". did I hear that right? what? ohmigoodness! "here satan" i heard again. strange. i hope it's a cat.

whats your fav-o-flav? (fixed up a bit)
Current mood: sad
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

i categorized this as 'dreams and the supernatural'...
because... sniff...
i speak of something that no longer is....except in my dreams, or in our supernatural world. ('scuse the cheese)
but, there is proof they did once exist.

(i dont know what's up with the reduced fat,
i prefer whole foods... and whole fats...)

lemon
pastry
cremes.

i lost my boyfriend to the internet.
Current mood: chipper
Category: MySpace

i got a horrible gift for my one-year anniversary with my man. he dumped me. turned it into an endiversary. my boyfriend was rad. he was funny, sweet, manly, adorable, oh i just loved to stare at him and love on him. he had his own ambitions and creative endeavors, which left me free to do the same, and where there was cross-over, it crossed so good.

but he needed space. he had to explore what it was like to be alone, a state of being he had not previously spent any time in... in my words of course, i don't remember his exact words, it's hard to hear through tears. i let him go willingly. though i loved him like crazy, he had a couple of 'stupid jerk' moments in the weeks before the endiversary anyways, and i won't be treated poorly, at least to my own 'poor' standards.

i got dumped. i was so sad it was embarrassing. the days that passed were excruciatingly long, but i trudged on... tried to enjoy the views, wore sunglasses all day for weeks to hide my puffy eyes, wore the same pants every day for weeks, (they became my comfort pants), bought a bunch of black clothes, kept my head down so noone would ask me 'how are you?' because i was quite likely to burst into tears, i dyed my hair blue, purple, and red and called it 'bruised', my heart ached... in a twisted way, it was kind of fun acting out on the crazy emotions i was having. i embraced my sorrow, in hopes that would speed me along the path of 'getting over it'.

then i found mySpace. which was cool. mindless entertainment that passed hour upon hour in what seemed like ten minutes. cool cool. i made a page, found some of my people, giggled at the computer, had fun making mySpace page... i have long been a computer geek, with artistic ambitions, this was hot shit, how come nobody told me about this?

then i saw my man had done the same. i happened upon this information when i recognized his flannel jacket (i would have probably recognized his face, but it wasn't in the pic) in my friends friends. whoa! this is not so cool. i quickly deleted my profile, uncomfortable with the proximity of my ex.

but i missed mySpace, and the html coding and the graphic placing and oh it was fun! so i made myself a highly anonymous profile where i lived in iceland and kept the pics of myself out. my page rocked (in my humble opinion). all original graphics and pimped out links to fun stuff in my profile... but i wouldn't make friends with anyone who was friends with the ex... i was hiding out.

so 2 days after he dumped me, he had one mySpace page, then another one, then another... and because i could not resist, i perused his pages. just for a moment, because each time i would think i wanted to see him, or read something he wrote, but then it would make me sad and i would move on to something that didn't make me sad. but i still would check, i couldn't help myself. then he started audioblogging. and his pages grew and grew... and i therefore knew that he was moving on, doing stuff, having fun, playing wiffle ball, playing music... and i was at home spying on him from the internet, talk about feeling sorry for yourself.

so that sucked, and i didn't do it very long, as it has always been a goal of mine to surround myself with things that make me happy. i have gotten pretty good at it.

and then i started thinking about how long it took me to pimp my first page and then my second. it was a ridiculous amount of time. which meant he must be spending an awful lotta time on the computer, with an audioblog and like 5 mySpace pages. which meant he was too busy to miss me. which meant i lost my man to the internet, he was in a mySpace induced coma.

i feel luckily to report that he seems to be coming out of it, and coming back to me, on his own. cross your fingers for me, and know this: a girl's got to work to keep her man close, beware the newest adversary. i don't know exactly how i came out ahead in this one, but it has something to do with love i think. and now i am proud to be the big winner of his devotion, take that 'internet'! now we both spend too much time online, but everything's better when we're together...