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Chris Mello =

- Chrome Ills
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Christopher Mello =

- Hermetic Shop Roll
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- Cheep Thrills Room
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- Hitcher Smell Poor
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4:08 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The time I got arrested...

or: How to Spread Your Shit for the Westminster Police

I've had an interesting evening... how about you?

Oh. That sounds nice. When you were doing that, I was face-down on the ground getting frisked with guns pointed at me. Oh yeah, and there was a german shepherd ready to bite my crotch. And it was raining.

Let me explain...

I am currently production designing a film that will be shooting in a residence in Westminster in about a week. This house was a great find for the shoot as it has been vacant for some time due to the owner being in an assisted-living facility. The house is furnished and there is no one there for us to disturb when we are prepping and filming. Over the past couple of days, I have been in and out of the house getting it ready for the shoot.

Tonight when I was working, I heard a knock at the door. I ingnored it and continued to work. Then the doorbell rang. I decided it would be best to answer. Behind the closed door, I answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, we're the neighbors across the street. We just wanted to know how Sam is doing."

"I'm sorry, I don't know Sam. I'm just part of a film crew that will be shooting here next week... hold on let me open the door."

Excpet I can't open the front door. It's a side-by-side front entry and the doors have been zip tied together at the handles for security. I can't undo it.

"Hold on... I can't open the door. I'll come out from the side door."

When I get outside from the side door, the neighbors are already back across the the street in their driveway. I call out after them.

"I'm so sorry... I couldn't get the front door open. My name is Chris and I'm the production designer on a film that will be shooting here next week."

"Oh, that's okay" say the neighbors as they head inside.

I head back inside and continue my work. But then I start to think... why did they knock on the door? Don't they know a film is shooting here? Weren't they notified as part of the permitting process? I'm reaching a stopping point and decide that I'm gonna get out of here in the off chance they have called the police.

Tools in hand, I head out the side door of the house.

"Stop where you are! Drop what's in your hands!" says the figure at the gate with the flashlight. Wait, did I just hear a dog growl?

"Put you hands in the air!" says a female voice from around the back side of the house. More flashlights.

"Stay back, Lydia - watch for crossfire." says the first voice.

"Oh, fuck" says me inside.

Within seconds, I am face-down on the ground with three guns aimed at me as the female officer frisks me... after securing my wrists with what I assume to be a zip-tie.

"Do you have any weapons on you?"

"No."

"What's that in your pants?"

"A mag-lite?" I forgot to mention the load that I dropped in my shorts, but the dog probably caught that.

Two of the four officers are sweeping the interior of the house, alternately yelling out, "If there's anyone else in here, show yourself now with your hands up!"

The female officer says to me, "So what are you doing here?"

"I'm working on a movie. I'm dressing up the house to look like a couple college guys live there."

"What's the movie about?"

Fucking LA.

"It's about hope... it's about a guy who is pretending to be Mormon."

"Oh."

After the house is cleared, they pick me up and take me to the garage and out of the rain. I do my best to calmly explain that, no, I don't know the owner. That I'm just a regular schmoe working. That the director has all the contacts for the home. That, yes, I'm pretty sure there is a permit. Blah blah blah.

One of the officers who was sweeping the house earlier asks, "So what's the movie about?"

I shit you not - they each asked me what the movie was about even after they heard me try to explain it to another officer. As soon as I said the word "Mormon" each time, they immediately tuned me out.

So it turns out it's all just one big misunderstanding, the neighbors calling the cops and me spreading my shit in the rain with 3 guns aimed at my head. One of these misunderstandings that we'll all be laughing about a year from now...

The last cop says to me before he leaves, "Just shows that you never know who's watching..."

Thank you, big brother. Thank you.

*God - I wish I could have made this funnier, but I'm still kind of on edge. There's nothing in my life so far that has really scared me quite like that german shepherd a few centimeters away from making my testicles kibbles and bits. That and the multiple guns.

11:11 PM - 13 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Too much gum = ?

... a leaky butt.

Too much sugar-free gum linked to bowel problems
Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:09pm EST

LONDON (Reuters) - Consuming too much sorbitol, a sweetener widely used in "sugar-free" chewing gum and sweets, can cause serious bowel problems, German doctors said on Friday.

The warning follows the cases of two patients who suffered chronic diarrhea, abdominal pain and severe weight loss after ingesting large amounts of sorbitol.

Writing in the British Medical Journal, the doctors from Berlin said the patients -- a man and a woman -- had consumed some 15 to 20 sticks of chewing gum a day. When they kicked the habit, both regained normal bowel function.

Sorbitol, also known as E420, is poorly absorbed by the small intestine and is known to have laxative properties. But Dr Juergen Bauditz and colleagues of the University of Berlin said many consumers might fail to link it with their gastrointestinal problems.

"Our cases demonstrate that sorbitol consumption can cause not only chronic diarrhea and functional bowel complaints but also considerable unintended weight loss -- about 20 percent of usual body weight," they wrote.

(Reporting by Ben Hirschler)

9:36 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Back in Tampa for X-mas

Back by not-so-popular demand...

I'll be in Tampa starting December 20th and leaving December 26th.

I won't be able to rent a car this time around, so I'm depending on you to pick me up and show me a good time.

It's like I'm 15 all over again... but with more booze.

1:37 AM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Leopard and Mail

So, I've been running Leopard for a day now.

My only disappoint is the Mail app... I was sold on it's "complete" compliance with Gmail and iCal. Only now in setting it up am I discovering it has not kept the label tags on my messages from Gmail, meaning that I will have to go and create new folders to sort out my mail. However, the thing that I love about Gmail that does not seem to be supported in Mail 3.0 is being able to tag a message under multiple labels.

It looks like I will be sticking with the web-based version of Gmail for now :(

2:48 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

this lame, little review of mine: 30 Days of Night

More like "2 Hours of Poop"...

12:14 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Los Angeles, I’m Yours...

L.A. is the apocalypse...

10:01 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My new baby...

After many years and many abuses, the old iPod finally bit it on Friday morning. It had worn down its battery life to a scant 45 minutes on a full charge and began to refuse the playing of The Flaming Lips, Tegan & Sara, and other artists beginning with the letter "T".

A lowly 2nd generation 10 gig model, most people thought such a thing never could have existed. But as a birthday present from the ex back in 2002, who could complain?

And so now, even though I cannot afford it, I went out and got myself a new 30 gig 6th generation video iPod in black. The prospect of filling 30 gigs is daunting, so I am now in the process of uploading my entire Chris Issak and Elvis catalogs into iTunes (20 cds and counting).

I thought of letting the iPod sync itself this time around since it can currently hold my entire iTunes library, but there's still some embarassing stuff hidden away in there (I'm talking to you "Toxic" by Britney Spears) that I could never face if it were to show up in a song shuffle at the most inopportune of times.

And so the work goes slowly of transfering everything over playlist by playlist as I tap away at the thesis script...

11:54 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Confucius say... 2

Lucky numbers: 3, 30, 28, 19, 37, 44

11:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My 27th Birthday Wish List...

1. puppy
2. money
3. one day with no stress
4. makey-outy time

10:41 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

You don't need no feet for the Rollie-Coaster...

It could be worse... she could be in Indiana with two feet attached to her legs.

Teen girl's feet cut off at amusement park

LOUISVILLE (Kentucky), June 23: The president of Swiss ride-maker Intamin said a failed cord on Six Flags' Kentucky Kingdom's Superman Tower of Power is what caused a girl's legs to be severed while she rode it on Thursday.

Intamin president Sandor Kernacs said his company provided the ride to Kentucky Kingdom about 14 years ago, but did not supply the cord.

Dispatchers said they were notified of the accident around 5 p.m. Thursday. Officials said both the teen's feet were detached above the ankles.

According to Kentucky Kingdom's Web site the Superman Tower of Power is 177 feet tall and drops riders at 54 miles per hour.

"We seen the cable break loose soon as it got to the top on the right-hand side," said Chris Williams, who witnessed the event.

Treva Smith said it snapped again as the ride descended.

"The people on the ride just came and hit the ground," Smith said.

Williams said she saw the teen maimed.

"As the ride came down, the wire swung left, struck the young lady on the back side of my children," Williams said.

Williams' daughter Amber said she gave up her seat to the 13-year-old and was sitting on the other side of the ride. Williams rushed toward the ride to find his daughter. As Smith raced to find members of her group, she said she made a gruesome discovery.

"When I got up there, the lady, she was just sitting there and she didn't have no legs," Smith said. "She didn't have no legs at all. She was just calm, probably in shock from everything."

Smith said she saw no blood and the girl wasn't crying, but the same couldn't be said for many who witnessed the incident on the ride formerly known as the Hellevator.

"My son's over there tripping out, man," Williams said. "You want to come to a park and feel safe you know. We've got season passes. We're not coming back for sure."

But other visitors aren't so worried.

"Every park, one in a million maybe something happens," park visitor Kenneth Lay said. "But I have no fear."

On scene EMT personnel were on hand to immediately transport the girl to a hospital. As of 10:34 p.m. Thursday there was no word on her condition.

Inspectors arrived Thursday night to begin determining what happened. They said they checked checking the cable in question.

The ride was shut down and was scheduled to remain so until the investigation has been completed. On Friday, Six Flags spokeswoman Carolyn McClean said the company is shutting down similar rides in other parks. King's Island in Cincinnati, which has a similar ride from the same manufacturer, announced that ride will be closed until it has been inspected.

Intamin is considered a leader in the design of amusement park rides. It has supplied some two dozen different styles of rides at amusement parks around the world. The company is responsible for a number of rides similar to Superman Tower of Power, and is credited with inventing the first free-fall ride.

5:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mad About Demolition (and You)

My job this week?

Destroy the "Mad About You" set that has been in storage since the show went off the air like 10 years ago.

Union-constructed television history at the mercy of my sledgehammer! Suck on that Paul Reiser!

8:47 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Maxim party...

The Maxim/Bud Light Hook-Up Party!!!

brought to you in part by:
- Maxim
- Bud Light
- VH1
- Long John Silvers
- Pirate's of the Caribbean: At World's End
- Del Taco
- Miller Lite
- NPR
- the air you breathe
and
- Yellow Cab Co.

Got a chance to go to a Maxim party last night. I wasn't expecting to be terribly impressed (although I did call dibs on Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, and Avril Lavigne - should they be there), but... wow.

After a $20 cab ride so we could drink all the free beer we wanted (thanks, Jil), we pulled into an industrial park in Anahiem for the party. When I say "industrial park", I don't mean "hip, cool industrial area like the toy district." I really mean, "un-hip, un-cool industrial business park in the suburbs."

The party was supposed to be inside a classic car museum, but for some reason, had been banished to a tent in the parking lot. We work through the red ropes, which look eriely like yellow traffic cones, and get our names checked off, get our drinking bracelets (thanks for smashing the sticky part on my arm hair, lady) and head in to get our free booze on.

Oh wait... are they having a cake walk? What's that table with tickets?

We have to pay for our booze? $2.50 per ticket? What?

Once we get inside, it is, as expected, a sausage fest and a half. Even as the night goes on, it's kinda sad when the cutest girl you see is working the party... as a bus boy.

The best part of the night though had to be the DJ... a chick called DJ Lady Tribe or something like that. She was a five-foot tall hispanic chick with a butt on her chest and born with a penchant to say "If you gotta bud light, put it in the air!" and "Everyone drinking a bud light, get on the dance floor... this party starts right now!" and "Maxim Hook-Up brought to you by Buuuuuuuuud Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

And there was the game show... but that's for another day.

All in all, we were back home by 11:30 and trying to get a pizza delivered. The party may have sucked, but the memories... those I'll cherish forever... like the pregnant go-go dancer.

9:55 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Right now...

I want to...

- be in St. Augustine, asleep under a palm tree on Aricola Ave.
- know what the hell is going on.
- erase the last two days, or at least rewind and pause for week so that my head will work and I can get my words out.

9:13 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Confucius say...

I live a block from a cheap Chinese food place.

I eat a lot of Chinese food.



Lucky Numbers: 38, 6, 11, 2, 1, 2 (2 must be extra lucky)

1:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment