Just left the plaza and...

"You wanna be free?  Then don't speak like a slave to me."

It seems to me, as of late, that individuality has become a crime.  I look around and I see everyone looks like they just stepped out of a catalogue.  I listen and hear the same music coming from everywhere.  It seems you have all made the choice to stop making choices.  It seems you've decided to do exactly what they've told you, and yet you hope for a revolution.  You hope for things to change, and yet do nothing to provoke change.
    They want you to look like everyone else.  They want you to listen to crappy music.  They want you to be like everyone else, and outcast those who aren't.  Because then they have you.  They can tell you to do whatever they want, and you'll do it because you think its cool. You are all being suckered.  Everytime you believe what they tell you, you are no better off than a drunken freshman at a fraternity party.  You are gonna get fucked.
    They say that television is destroying our culture, and they're wrong.  Our culture is too strong to be destroyed by an inanimate object.  You can't throw a TV through our culture and break it.  A truer statement would be that our culture is being destroyed through television. The television is only the messenger. Because, in fact, they are destroying our culture and using us to do it.   .
    They have made you think you are being productive when you're not.  They have told you that making money is more important than happiness so you took a job you hate.  Now your broke and miserable. 
   
    They have made you feel empowered when you are not.

    They have made you think you are rich when you are not.  Jewels on your wrist and your name on your car does not make you rich.  It makes you a target for both the police, and criminals.
       And the "they" have made you think you are independent when you most certainly are not.   How can you be independent when you are doing what everyone else is?  How can you be independent when you are so dependent on the opinion of those you don't even know?

    I should clarify that I like fashion.  I love music.  I enjoy nice things.   That's because I have found my fashion.   I look good without looking like I just walked out of a J. Crew catalogue.  I have found good music, because I chose not to listen to shitty music.  My watch is elegant without being covered in diamonds. 
     There is nothing wrong with being popular as long as you are popular because of who you are, not because of what you wear. 

Who you are should not accentuate what you have. 

What you have should accentuate who you are.

Because you are beautiful.
 
Peace and Love,

CP

3:28 PM - 19 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

Just checkin' in..
Current mood: peaceful

" And just like water on the ground, we will find our way."

     Greetings friends, and thanks for still being interested in my journey.  I have taken the last month off.  It's the first time in five years that I spent any serious amount of time off the road.  It was well needed, and well spent.   It had been a long time since I had enjoyed the comfort of a routine.  Well a routine other than: wake up, airport, hotel, shower, show, drunk, sleep, repeat.  Most of which must be done through a therapeutic green fog.
     I've started playing golf again, I'm rested, and I got to see two Black Crowes concerts in 8 days.  It was a good June.  By the way, if you ever get a chance to drive from Denver to Aspen, do it.   It's awesome....and incredibly dangerous.  Colorado says "no" to guard rails.  So, you might want to reconsider the pscilocybin til you've reached your destination. 
    I've really enjoyed the laziness of this summer, as it is the antithesis of the year previous.  I'm ready for the tour that is upcoming, and excited to see all of you again.  The DVD is coming along.  I have no idea when it will be released, but y'all will be the first to know. 

Peace and Love.

CP

Currently listening : New Earth Mud (with Bonus DVD) By Chris Robinson Release date: 22 October, 2002

2:44 PM - 12 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Blogging on your face.
Current mood: exhausted

" they say that time will kill the pain, I say that pain is gonna kill my time"

      Like a boiled frog, sometimes you don't know how crazy things have gotten until it's too late. Sometimes you have to take a step back and wonder why you poop so much.  This life is one of priviledge and excess, but when you keep the music on too loud for too long, you cease to be able to enjoy the intricacies of the piece.  That being said, I have decided to put a lid on the Corona bottle for a while, although I'll leave the Macallan bottle around for social situations. 
      Everytthing I have ever wanted is right in front of me.  The DVD will be recorded next month,  and the girl I've had a crush on for six years, but hadn't seen for four, has been making regular appearnces in my cosmos.  Yet, I found myself sad and disillusioned quite often in recent memory.  To combat this, I have been going out, and geting doofaced pretty much nightly.  It turns out my "solution" was actually the catalyst. 
     There comes a time in everyone's life where you must face yourself head on and deal.   You must accept the repercussions of your actions.  Cause if you don't, Joe Rogan will get up on stage and call you out.  Then he'll put it on YouTube.  By the way, if any one from Gersh or the Comedy Store are reading this, go ahead and lose my number.  Despite what you may feel about his approach, Mr. Rogan did something every comic wishes they could have.  I understand that Carlos makes both of you (Gersh and the Store) a lot of money, but you just sold your credibility.  By dropping Joe Rogan,  you both have chosen sides, which makes you as immature and unprofessional as the two combatants.   Not to mention, you chose the side of greed.  Greed burns like paper.  Things are real hot for a minute, and then it's all gone and the fire's out.  Wood may take longer to light, but it will burn much longer and keep a whole household warm.  Sleep well, Mr Blake.  I'd bring an extra blanket.

To the rest of you,  I hope the cosmos finds you well.  Keep it fun, keep it real, keep it wooden.



Peace  and Love

Currently listening : Diamonds on the Inside By Ben Harper Release date: 11 March, 2003

1:02 AM - 14 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

New Year, New Car, New Girl, New Problems...(take 2)
Current mood: contemplative

"No time left now for shame.  Horizon behind me, no more pain.  Wiindswept stars blink and smile.  Another song, aonther mile."

   I got to admit.  I am a little scared.  2006 was an awesome year.  This time last year I was a middle act traveling the country living paycheck to paycheck.  Then I got the chance of a life time and made the best of it.  I have accomplished many life goals in a matter of months.  It's scary.  With a year that good, can one be expected to make the next year better?  That's usually my goal.  For the first time in six years I was not on the road for New Years.  I was in the first of my two homes...Kansas City.  Come midnight I drank Dom Perignion straight from the bottle and wished my many friends a wonderful year.  It was good times, it could have been better, but perfection is never planned.  It is always a happenstance.  It a lesson I learn every time I forget it.
      The day after Christmas it was 60 degrees in KC so I decided that it was a perfect day to buy an SUV.  I was never a big fan of them until my good friend Ty Barnett drove me around in his Navigator.  I got to admit.  I liked it.  SO I bought a Yukon.  The way I see it, Kansas boy needs a truck.  And I think 4-wheel drive may come in handy come the apocalypse. 
       Ive come to terms with the fact that 2007 will probably be s single year.  I don't meet many girls that I dig, and when I do it's cause they have somthing going for them.  Two people who have good careers are hard to make work.  Neither one of them have time for the other one.  That's why you always see rich guys with gold-diggers, and succesful chicks with stay-at-home douche bags.   I just can't go that route.  Fake people make me vomit.   I'm sure of that.  So I guess I'll have to back to skipping through pink puddles until the cosmos allows otherwise.
     With a year as good as 2006, I can only hope to match.  To ask anything else would be greedy.  Thanks to all of you who have come to know me and my comedy.  I promise to have a DVD out  this year, as well as a few more TV appearances.  So stay tuned.

Peace, Love, and a Harmonious 2007

CP

Currently listening : American Wake By The Elders Release date: 09 November, 2004

1:01 AM - 24 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

A quick
Current mood: exhausted

"Touched from up above and touched between your legs.  But which one, baby, burns?"

    Greeting and Salutations to all who gaze upon these words.  I hope your world is sunny and spinning.  Mine is, and I'm having a blast.  Thank you to all of you have taken the time out of your busy lives to come see me at one of my many live shows.  You have eased a pain in my heart with your laughter, applause, and herbal kindness.  Thanks, also, to the thousands of you who have sent me messages requesting my appearance in your locale.  Unfortunatly I have little control over where I go.  So the best course of action would be to call your local comedy club, and ask them to bring me there.   Last but not least, I would like to thank the Black Crowes for the FResno and Chicago concerts that I attended, and for rocking in general.  You could have been a little more vocal about the Modesto cancellation so some stoner comic didn't drive five hours for no fucking reason...I mean...c'mon.  At least leave a moose at the front door of the venue sayin "Sorry folks, parks closed".  Then I could punch it and hold John candy hostage as hilarity insued. 

   I think it's obvious I have spent too much time in a hotel room watching TBS.  I should just enjoy this evening in my own apartment.  So with that, I hope things are well, and happy holidays.  God Speed.

Peace and Love.

Currently listening : The Lost Crowes (The Black Crows: The Tall Sessions) By The Black Crowes Release date: 26 September, 2006

7:58 PM - 13 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

it wains...

"You think you're in heaven but you're living in hell.  Only time will tell.."

Greetings and Good Wishes from another hotel room-
   

I apologize it has been such a long time since we spoke, but my attention has been confiscated by work and the vision of a beautiful spirit.  The work is still there but the spirit hopped a plane across the ocean.  Maybe she'll be back, maybe she won't.  Either way, it rocked my face.
Thanks to all of you who have come to my shows in your town, and I hope you enjoyed them.  I know that I did, even if I acted like I didn't.  The road has been great.  Erie, the Noog, Nashville, Huntsville, Youngtown, NYC, you guys rock.  Boston is pretty cool, and I cna't wait for Pittsburgh.  By the way don't forget to check out my official website chrisporterisfunny.com.  It is pretty much the coolest site ever, and if you can make it even cooler by sending your photos of us to pics@chrisporterisfunny.com.  We're having a contest and the winner receives an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  My Comedy Central thing aired last month, and as I'm sure a lot of you noticed, there we're a lot of repeated jokes.  Well, the show may be called "Live at Gotham", but "live" is a relative term.  In this case "live" means "Shot in April".  but "Shot in April at Gotham" doesn't have that ring that the marketing department craves.  At that time we didn't know that the LCS finals were going to be extended  to four episodes (from its orginal number of 1).  So I didn't think I was going to need those jokes.  So sorry, but my next Comedy Central spot will be completely new and rock faces.  Promise.


I'll post another blog soon..

Peace and Love

1:53 AM - 20 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

It continues...
Current mood: determined

"The gold affections of my past now are just rusted tin"

    The ride is getting bumpy, and I don't know how much I dig it anymore.  The facade has become thinner, but at the same time it has lifted me to an incredible new level.  So I must ask myself, what is that I want from all this?  Have I already received it?  I think I have.  I have all of your attention.  That's all I really ever wanted.  I wanted you to listen to what I have to say, and enjoy, with me, all that's fucked up in this world.  And you have.  I thank you.  But this is just the beginning.  We've just begun to scratch the surface, but I don't think this vehicle is going to get us any further.  It may be time for a new car.
    Greetings from the top of the Commodore.  Thanks for all the support, votes, and good vibes you all have been sending.  And for the other side, thanks for the bad vibes...they keep me grounded.   I actually liked my performance last week.  A little nervous?  Maybe.  I guess all the previous weeks have been forgotten. 
Anyway I have added a Brea, CA date and a NYC date.  They will be posted when I get confirmed dates.  Hope to see you there.

Peace and Love

Currently listening : Amorica By Black Crowes Release date: 11 June, 2002

3:33 PM - 54 Comments - 71 Kudos - Add Comment

The Birth of Beef Squad Jr.

"Sometimes the memory only sees what it wants to believe, and what fills in between, days and nights dont't mean a thing"


    First of all I would to thanks all of you that have taken the time to drop me a line.   I hope that I responded to all of you in some way, and if I didn't, sorry.  I tried.  I'd to thank any of those in attendance at the late show Saturday in Springfield, MO.  You bore witness to the premier of  "Cosmic Comedy with Chris Porter and Beef Squad Jr."   And from all the people standing at the end, we think that it was a success.  For those of you didn't get to see it, basically I did my act while two acousic guitar players played behind.  It was a beautiful blend of music and comedy, and it was well received.  I am not sure how this all going to play out, but I am gonna try to do one "cosmic" per venue starting late this year.  It should be awesome
     But on to more pressing matters.   I would like to go ahead and announce that I will be going on tour late this summer and early this fall  with the very funny  Ty Barnett on what we have dubbed the "High and Mighty Tour".  All of these dates are subject to change without notice, so check with the venues.  More dates will be announced soon.  And sorry to the clubs whose names I don't know,  I'll fix it ASAP

7.27-7.30    Funny Farm        Roswell, GA
8.2-8.6        Improv               Kansas City, MO
8.10-8.13    Comedy Catch   Chatanooga, TN
8.16-8.19    ?                         Erie, PA
8.24-8.27    Zanies                Nashville, TN
9.6-9.9        ?                         Raleigh, NC


PEACE

4:29 PM - 33 Comments - 29 Kudos - Add Comment

It Begins
Current mood: okay

" No one is ever going to find you; if you don't get yourself lost."

     It begins.  The commercails have begun airing.  The long lost realtives have begun calling.  The public acknowledgements have grown. 

    It is a wonderful weirdness.  I grow fearful, as it is only the beginning.  I got in to stand up comedy on the advice of my friend Jon Adams, who had begun doing it only a month before.  I tried it.  It was the greatest thing I had ever felt.  ( I was still a virgin)  The rush.  The energy.  It was amazing.  Jon long since quit, but I still love going on stage.  Performing for the masses.  Helping them to forget whatever it is that they need to quit remembering.  At least for 20 to 30 minutes.  Sometimes an hour. 

    But now the game has changed.  This summer is going to be a new level.  A level that many don't get to see, and even fewer can sustain.  It's going to crazy.  I hope I'm ready for it.  I hope you're ready for it.  Stay Tuned.

Peace

PS.  I will be announcing a new tour soon.  We're just tying to clear up the last few dates.

5:12 PM - 16 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Blogging in my pants
Current mood: pleased

"...and if your heart is beating free, then for the very first time, it will be alright."

I've been doing comedy for well over seven years, and it has not been until recently that I have begun to establish a direction. After being on the road for five years, I had an epiphany. I was drinking amaretto out of a girl's vagina when I thought to myself that this was as good as it was ever going to get living in Kansas City. To be honest with you I didn't even really want to drink the amaretto, but how often does that oppurtunity arise? And we were out of cups. The point is while most dudes would consider this moment awesome; I found it cheap and a little weird. I knew then that I wanted more from life than just cheap thrills, and the only way I was going to get there was to start being serious.
Since then I've changed the direction of my material, moved to LA, and signed with two of the most successful firms in the industry. I've even began exercising every day. I feel great, and all tests have come back negative. Now things are moving faster than ever before. This whole "succeeding in LA" thing has proven easier initially than I had thought. Five years of shitty gigs, and douchy amaretto have prepared me well. Hopefully life will continue to improve. Even if it doesn't it's pretty good right here. It's 75 degrees everyday, and there are plenty of cups.

Peace,

Porter

10:15 PM - 10 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment