I wrote tonight’s Simpsons episode

8pm on fox. it's called "any given sundance" and it features cameos by john c. reilly and america's most famous celebrity, director jim jarmusch.

and, as always, please buy one of every product advertised during the episode.

3:38 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I wrote some e-cards

Because being on strike is boring. You can find them (along with some others that other people wrote) at www.regardsbox.com. "Oh, I bet they'll be really sincere and heartfelt." Wrong, dipshit! They're comedic!

4:52 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Read my thing in New York Magazine

Hey Internet,
A few co-workers and I wrote something for the poor man's internet, a magazine. It's about The Office, a tv show about an crazy office where things happen weekly. Fortunately for people unfamiliar with "magazines" they also have a website. The piece is here: nymag.com/news/features/43592/

They cut the original for length, so if I get around to it I'll post the full-length, slightly funnier version up here. And you will kudo the shit out of it.

2:41 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Ugg, The Germaphobic Caveman

THURG: Ugg, aren't you hungry? You haven't touched your mastodon.
UGG: Yeah, I just...I'm not hungry.
VARG: He's hungry, he's just a real freak about germs.
THURG: Are you serious? Come on Ugg, eat the damn mastodon. It's clean.
UGG: Is it? Are you sure?
THURG: Yes, I'm sure. It was only dead for 3 days when we found it.
UGG: Did you even pee on the meat?
THURG: I peed on the meat three times.
UGG: Three? Really?
THURG: Three, and I'll pee on it again if that'll make you happy.
UGG: That would...yeah, that would be nice. Thanks.
THURG: (peeing) Fucking weirdo.

1:20 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Has Anyone Ever Tried This Steroid Defense

"Your honor, the improved strength and speed were unexpected side effects. I was just taking the steroids to shrivel my immense, plump balls."

11:51 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

God Invents Man

HEAVEN
God: My angelic assistants, how goes the creation of the universe?
Angel 1: Very well, God. Today we created the sea. Behold.
God: Yes, quite beautiful. It shall hold untold treasures for all who dare to plumb its depths.
Angel 1: Exactly our thoughts, Lord.
God: If you had no other tasks today, I would like to share an idea I had. It would be my ultimate creation.
Angel 2: Greater than a flower, with its intoxicating perfume?
God: Yes.
Angel 1: Greater than the stars which reflect the very brilliance of their Creator?
God: Yes.
Angel 3: Greater than chives?
God: Yes, this would be the greatest creation of them all, because it would be crafted in my own image. I call it "Man."
Angel 1: Most wonderful. Shall we get started?
God: Please. But I have a few thoughts first. I would like "Man" to himself have the gift of creation. He should be able to make more "Men" so that he may populate the Earth.
Angel 2: Very inspired, Lord. I shall give him the great gift of omnipotence, like yourself.
God: No, not like that. I know that I can create entire galaxies with a wave of my hand. But man shall be different. The way he creates more men will be like this -- write this down.
Angel 1: Ready, Lord.
God: He'll have this sort of finger-shaped thing between his legs, but not a finger. Kind of like a root, or a short snake. Just kind of hanging there between his legs. Real weird looking.
Angel 2: Really?
God: Yeah. And it's got like two round things in a sack underneath. Kinda like a leather bag of peach pits.
Angel 1: We're still talking about creation, right?
God: I'm getting there. Because see, then I want you to invent these other Men called "Women," who are kind of like men but they have sorta melon things on their chests called "boobs," and instead of that crotch-finger they have a gap. And when the men see these boobs and this gap, the crotch-finger will kinda get real rigid like a frozen cow tongue.
Angel 1: [skeptical] Thy will be done...
God: So then he takes this rigid cow tongue thing and he puts it in the gap.
Angel 2: Ah, so the gap shall be a perfect inverse of the crotch finger?
God: Nah, it should look crazy in a totally different way. Anyways, when the Man puts his dealie in the Woman a bunch of times, it will make this sorta white liquid shoot out. Oh, when you're inventing the white liquid, fill it with tiny tadpoles. Those are really important.
Angel 2: Yes my Lord.
God: Then when the white tadpole soup mixes with a bunch of stuff in the Woman, a little tiny man will form in her stomach.
Angel 1: I see -- and the man springs out fully formed and joins his companions!
God: Nah, I was thinking that it should take 9 months, and the woman should start craving pickles, and then finally the baby should come back down out of that gap thing between the woman's legs.
Angel 1: Anything else, my Lord?
God: Nope. Just make it happen. I'll come back and check on your work later.
[God turns to exit.]
God: Oh yeah, also, make one out of every 10,000 of these Men be retarded.

1:39 AM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Everything You Need To Know About The Writers’ Strike

Over the last few weeks many of you have sent me kind notes and comments about the WGA strike. But many of you have not sent me anything. I can only conclude that you don't know about the strike. Let this blog posting fill you in.

Q: Are you on strike?
A: Yes.

Q: Is your lack of blog posts lately some sort of symbolic protest related to the writers' strike?
A: Uh, yes.

Q: How about the many months with no blog posts before the strike even started?
A: That too.

Q: When I talk to you at a party and find out that you are a comedy writer, but you don't say anything that makes me laugh or even crack a smile, is that because you are so committed to the strike that you won't even let the comedy part of your brain operate in social situations?
A: Great question. Yup.

Q: What about at a party when everyone is dancing and having a great time, and I go upstairs to use the secret bathroom, and I find you alone in the host's bedroom looking at his photos from college? Is that because of the strike too?
A: Yes.

Q: My baby has a rare blood disease. You're a perfect match. Can you please--
A: Can't. Strike.

Hope this clears things up.

1:01 AM - 8 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Simpsons Name Contest Results!

First of all, thanks for entering. I had a ton of fun reading the submissions. I guess I have one thing in common with Dracula and/or a fat kid in that I wish Halloween were every day. That way I could use all the great name ideas you guys came up with.

And now I'm pleased to announce my Halloween name. It is clever, original, funny to look at, nerdy (a huge plus in my book) and, in my opinion, the scariest name submitted:

Daniel Cthulhun!!!! (If you don't know what Cthulhu is, it is a terrifying tentacle-faced monster, one of the "Great Old Ones" in the HP Lovecraft universe. I told you it was nerdy.)

Congratulations, Justin. But since you already have a signed script, the prize goes to the runner-up, Trent N. with Dan "Castellaneta" Chun! While not Halloweeny, it's very funny and I may use it next year.

Okay, thanks again everybody. And I really really hope that this doesn't end up becoming a real-life horror movie scenario where an angry contestant feels robbed and hunts me down and I have to rely on my wits to survive. (Just kidding, I would be so excited if that happened!)

1:24 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

!!!Simpsons Halloween Name Contest!!!

As you probably know, the Simpsons has a tradition of using Halloween names in the credits of its Treehouse of Horror episode. And I bet you've seen them and thought, "I could come up with a much better one -- particularly for Daniel Chun." Well now's your chance! This year, because I thought it would be fun/less work, I am inviting your suggestions for my Halloween name, which will be broadcast nationwide on the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XVIII on either October 28 or November 4, and then rerun every Halloween forever. If you come up with the name, I will send you a script of the episode with the entire cast/writing staff's autographs, plus some Simpsons goodies, AND if you live in LA I'll bring you as a guest to a table read. PLUS, if you're some sort of weirdo, I will send you an eyelash taped to a photo of myself from first grade, you sick pervert.

Contest ends October 5! Message or comment your suggestion!

Guidelines:
1. The name should be funny (Splat Groening) or scary (Bat Groening). For reference, here's a list of some names from the past. The list
2. Previous names I've used:
Daniel C.H.U.D.
The Less-Scary American Remake of Daniel Chun
Daniel Pun
3. Entrants may not be affiliated with The Simpsons or Fox. Or they may. But they MUST be one of the two, either affiliated or not affiliated. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!
4. Absolutely NO suggestions that are so scary they cause the reader to instantly drop dead. I can not be more serious about this one!
5. Have fun!

10:39 AM - 79 Comments - 63 Kudos - Add Comment

Hey liberals!

I wrote a thing for The New Republic dotcom. It's on the front page of tnr.com. A direct link is here. Does this explain why I haven't written on my MySpace blog in over a month? Nope!

8:00 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Go See The Simpsons Movie

The show staff did not actually work on the movie, but nevertheless I can't help but think that there's some sort of financial incentive for me if the movie does well. I'm not sure what's in it for you, though. To be honest it seems like you're the big loser here. Anyway, go see it.

1:10 AM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Chat with the Boss

DAVE: Hey Megan, you wanted to chat?
MEGAN: Yeah, thanks for coming Dave. I know you're busy.
DAVE: My pleasure.
MEGAN: Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life, and I made a decision that I wanted to let you know about, since you're my boss and all.
DAVE: You're not quitting are you?
MEGAN: No, no, no.
DAVE: Oh, thank goodness. What is it then?
MEGAN: Well...you've known me for a while, and you know I've always felt a little...uncomfortable in my skin.
DAVE: Yeah.
MEGAN: I've been doing a lot of research, and saving up some money, and I decided that...wow, this is hard. I decided that...I'm going to get a sex change operation. It's totally a personal decision, and I know that I can live my life however I want, but I just thought I'd let you know. And I am definitely not quitting.
DAVE: Well Megan, it looks like you're happy about this decision and that makes me happy, but I have one question. How will you stay at this job? I mean, you're the bearded lady at this circus.
MEGAN: Nothing will change, Dave, I promise you that. The only difference is that I'll be "The Bearded Man."
DAVE: Yeah, but that just seems...a little tricky.
MEGAN: Nothing tricky about it. The act will stay the same. I mean, I won't wear a bikini anymore of course. I'd wear man's clothes, like a blazer and khaki pants. And instead of reclining sexily on the stage, I'll probably sit in a chair and smoke a pipe. Or a cigar -- it's your call.
DAVE: But...who would pay to see a bearded man?
MEGAN: Same people. In fact, you'd probably get more people because, to be quite honest, I think a lot of folks are freaked out by the whole "bearded lady" thing and that keeps them away.
DAVE: Megan, I don't think you understand. I really just don't know how we can go from "The Bearded Lady" to "The Bearded Man."
MEGAN: Oh, is it the sign you're worried about? Just paint over the W and the O. I can help.
DAVE: Well what are we waiting for? Let's get painting, Megan!
MEGAN: Not Megan anymore. Now I'm Dave.
DAVE: But that's my name.
MEGAN: Oh yeah, I forgot. Eh, I guess I'll just stay a girl.

9:31 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hurray for light news

http://www.week.com/news/local/8424207.html

8:34 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

MySpace is Messing Up My Blog

I've noticed that since the latest round of tweaks, MySpace has been acting really weirdly, particularly with my blog postings. I find that every time I write a joke and try to post it, the punchline gets replaced by a straight line. Has anyone else had this problem? Here, see for yourself:

Lindsey Lohan canceled her Las Vegas birthday party, which was to take place just days after her release from rehab. Which of course is bad news for THE PARTY PROMOTER WHO WAS ORGANIZING THE EVENT AND THE VENUE WHERE IT WAS TO BE HELD.

Paris Hilton is still in prison, and her mental state has improved. When asked for what might have caused the improvement, prison physicians cited SEVERAL FACTORS SUCH AS DIET, FAMILIAL VISITS, AND PHYSICAL ROUTINE.

North Korea offered to allow UN Inspectors into its nuclear facilities this week, a move applauded by the United States. When asked what prompted their change of position, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il said, "WE FELT IT WAS THE MOST PRUDENT DECISION FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR COUNTRY."

The company that owns the racy Maxim family of magazines was sold to the private equity firm Quadrangle Capital Partners. In light of the acquisition, the firm has decided to change its name to QUADRANGLE CAPITAL GROUP.

1:02 AM - 8 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Helpful Household Hints from Hdanny

Ever reach for a household item, only to find that you've run out? It always seems like this happens at the worst possible time -- right before guests arrive, or when the stores are closed. I have a saying that's a little twist on Murphy's Law: "If something can go wrong in terms of being out of the cleanser you need -- it will!"

But just like every law has a loophole, every household item has a replacement that will do in a pinch. Here are a few, so next time you are out of something you won't be saying "Drat," you will be saying, "I will just use its replacement instead of saying 'drat'!"


Out of silver polish? Toothpaste will get your finery shiny as ever.

Hubby's shaving cream can empty? Just use conditioner.

Cutting a cake without a cake knife? Some dental floss pulled taut through the cake will keep the party going.

Can't find a rag? Any small piece of absorbent fabric can do the job.

Forgot to buy more toothpaste? Just mix up some sodium fluoride, a sulfate foaming agent, mica abrasive, triclosan, and artificial flavoring and your pearly whites won't know the difference! And if you don't have triclosan, zinc chloride is just as good.

Can't find anything slimy to hold small objects while emitting music? A condom taped to an iPod should get you back on track.

Dad died? In many households, the mother serves in both parental roles!

Got dirty windows, but the Windex bottle ran dry? A bullet in the head will solve your problems.

So as you can see, when it comes to things around the house, you're never out of options. Now what are you doing reading this...don't you have chores to do?!

Ha ha ha,
Danny

1:44 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment