Introspection
Current mood: Introspecitve

So I've been doing some thinking today. Probably not very wise for someone like me. But I did it. I don't know why I decided to, but once I started, well...I couldn't stop.

How many of you out there are hiding? I don't mean just physically, but using the net or even a personality to make yourself look like something you're not? I'm not talking about looks or lying about experiences either. That would be silly. Why go to a place to meet friends if you're not going to be yourself?

What I mean is something I do. I'll admit it. I'm a very shy person. Horribly shy! In fact, people terrify me!

Ask FabDoraJ, she'll tell you. These blogs of me going out partying (which I did and enjoyed) are all well and good, but they are, in fact, the ONLY times I've been out (aside from the occasional eat-out sort of thing).

I mean, don't get me wrong...I would love to party. I personally have never done drugs or anything like that. Heck, three beers and I'm wasted. LOL But I think I mostly just live in the past. You know?

Dancing, doing porn, and modeling, was fun. But then I became deaf. Did that change me as a person? Depends on how you look at it. It changed me inside.

I see the world differently. I see people differently. I see the fear in people's eyes when they approach me and discover I'm deaf. Doesn't matter that I hand them paper and pen and am happy to wait while they write. Doesn't matter. It's just damn scary! Deaf people are scary! At least, that's how many people think. I never really thought about deaf people until I was one. Losing a sense or a part of yourself really makes one introspective.

I LOVE sex! I'm addicted to it!

But I'm not able to just go out and make small talk and meet people.  So what do I do? I stay home. I cam. I get off online. I try to meet people and chat through e-mail and My Space and my Yahoo! group.

People see that I'm friendly. They see that I'm REAL (if they get to know me). They see that I love sex and am an exhibitionist. They see that I like to party and wish I did it more. All of that is true. All of that is great!

But do they see that I'm lonely? Do they see that Do they see that I only have one in-person friend and I see her MAYBE a few times a month in passing. Do they see that I am intelligent and that I'm a published writer? Do they see that I'm shy and not very self confident and quite insecure, to be honest? Do they WANT to see that?

Do you want to know me or do you just want to see my body? Be honest. It's OK. I have online friends of both sorts.

But next time you're chatting with someone you only know from online, why not ask them something personal? Something soul-revealing? Why not let them know that YOU know they're human? Because we all are, right? And no one is perfect. No one is without flaws. No one is without insecurities.

To the guy who said I seemed nice, if not somewhat lost...you're very intuitive. You have me penned. Maybe one day I'll find myself. Maybe one day someone else will find me. I can hope. Right?

"My dear Sir,
take any road--you can't go amiss.
The whole state is one vast insane asylum."

2:04 PM - 6 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Flanagan's Was FUN!
Current mood: Tipsy

So Dora and I got there kind of early. I think it was 9:30 PM when she drug my ass into the bar after wandering aimlessly on the street (YET AGAIN). Girl, do you think anyone thought we were hookers? I've given that up, I tell ya! I'm INNOCENT......

I was a good girl (at first) and drank very slowly. See, I have a problem. I'm ready to admit it. Are ya prepared? Are ya sitting down? This may be a shocker: I don't know how to sip a beer. Someone gives me a beer and it's CHUG-A-LUG time! YAY!!! But I was good last night. I drank
s   l   o   w  l   y........

I got to meet two of Dora's friends. Nice to meet you guys!  And I got to meet three of mine. Well, now they're all friends (I hope....especially to the one who says I'm not conservative enough). ME! ME NOT CONSERVATIVE?!?!?! No way!  I'm as conservative as they cum! Well....maybe not....and especially not with a beer in my hand. But I'm still a NICE girl. Isn't that what counts???

Anyway, we stayed at Flanagan's till about 11:30 (I think), then headed over to Mojo's. I think we left at 1 AM. You know I'm drunk when walking in the sand is just plain IMPOSSIBLE! Why did you do that to me, Dora?

So here I am. I never sleep much after the initial "pass out." LOL Now, I'm drinking my C2, eating a snack, ready to turn on the tube and maybe fall asleep again. I have the whole day ahead of me. What shall I do today?  Hmmmmm......What do I want? Anything except a beer.......

Currently watching : Riding the Bullet (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 19 April, 2005

3:15 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I Love Defenseless Animals...Especially In A Good Gravy
Current mood: Excited

Tonight is Flanagan's in Grand Rapids.

 Hope to meet and party with some friends. I know I'll have the best one....fabdoraj, so at least I won't be alone.

Just posted my facial cum video online so now I need to come up with a new masturbation video. Will the work never end?!?! I LOVE IT!


Last night I went bowling and got a little tipsy (little). But I broke 100 on one game! YAY! This is from a girl whose average is 73. Not bad, eh? Maybe someone can teach me some better moves....

Well, off I go to the bathtub. I will leave you with yet more wisdom from guru CJ:

Hey! I'm Elvira, Mistress of the Dark's daughter, remember? Gotta be morbid once in a while.


See ya!

Currently watching : Hitch (Fullscreen Edition) Release date: 14 June, 2005

9:09 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I Farteth in My Head
Current mood: Bored

Ever stop to think and forget to start again? That's me. Can't remember a thing lately. Like I'm having an eternal brain fart.  Do you see that green smoke?

Gonna go out and shoot some pool and drink some brewskis tonight. Should be fun. At least I hope so. But I'm REALLY looking forward to tomorrow night at Flanagan's. I hope lots of friends show up so I can meet them.

I'm supposed to be getting some writing done, but my mind ain't working. I did write a poem though. What do you think?:

Currently reading : Man's Search For Meaning By Viktor E. Frankl Release date: 01 December, 1997

12:59 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I Have Returned
Current mood: Chaotic

I'm baaaaaack! Did ya miss me? The trip wasn't too bad, but WAY too much driving.  Eight hours one way used to be no biggie. Now that I've lost 100 pounds and found my ass (not to mention that painful thing called a tailbone), my butt was killing me after a half hour.  But I digress...................

Got to party with my friend Becka and her hubby Brian! Four beers and one shot of something about secretions (I kept asking all the guys in the bar if this was their sperm) and I was buzzing REALLY NIIIIIIIICE. Making a slight fool out of myself (slight) and coming on a bit strong  to old men who said I looked like Elvira Mistress of the Night's daughter, but having a blast. Do I really look like her? He said it was a compliment, but it scared the shit out of me.

Got home late last night and tonight I have the first night of my American Sign Language class I'm teaching in my home. Six weeks. No talking, please. We shall see what the crew looks like when they get here. People expect learning Sign Language to be easy...heh heh heh--they're all so fooled!

So here I am. I'll post more tomorrow, once I'm past this bump of first class clean up and preparation. Until then, just remember this:

If you keep both feet firmly planted on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

Currently watching : White Noise (Full Screen Edition) Release date: 17 May, 2005

8:30 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Got Lost In Thought...It Was Unfamiliar Territory
Current mood: Busy

Nah, actually I'm quite bright...and witty. I'm full of wit. At least I think that's what that person told me the other night. Hey, I'm deaf. I do what I can to understand. Wit, shit...it's all the same when you think about it. Dude, that was deep. I just have to sit here for a moment and think about that........................OUCH!.........................
......................................OK, that's enough.

So I'm off to St. Louie this weekend. Gonna see some old friends. Should be fun--if my car can make it that far. If not, it was so nice knowing you. I'll probably hitch a ride with Freddie Krueger's nephew   and end up on the back of a milk carton. Man, I'd be famous! FINALLY! Do they even do that anymore?

So, I've decided I need more updated pics and maybe a video. Gotta find someone willing to do a video with me....hmmmmmmmmm......... It ain't easy being cheesy, you know.

So, adios, my friends. I'll see you when and if I survive the boonies of southern Illinois and am ready to PARTY again.

BYE!

Currently reading : I Know This Much Is True By Wally Lamb Release date: 06 April, 1999

9:24 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it....
Current mood: Lazy

Welp, I saw a great movie last night. Never even knew it existed before someone mentioned it to me. It's called "Gia," and it stars the VERY HOT Angelina Jolie. Yummy! Good movie. Definitely recommend it.

I have some old chick coming to the house today at 2:30. Why is it that almost all the women who want to meet me, want to do that because they want to learn sign language. Us deafies must be interesting. Just put me in the zoo and slap a sticker on my forehead, "Almost extinct." Damn near close, anyway.

Had a philosophical argument with a friend of mine about whether the birds fucking in the lake were ducks or geese. Who the hell cares? But I still say "duck" and I'll hold to that no matter what I'm told. I can be stubborn that way.

I might cam tonight, but tomorrow night I'm getting OUT! Hallelujah! Gonna booze it up and see if I can have a little fun. Anyone want to meet me and my gf for a drink? Of course, then I get to go to a Deaf picnic, complete with hangover, and act like I care. Sometimes I should get an Academy Award! "I'd like to thank all the little people...." Little people are cute though, aren't they. Those green little people that run around my bedroom late at night and whisper the secrets of the CIA are just adorable!

Currently reading : I Know This Much Is True By Wally Lamb Release date: 06 April, 1999

6:52 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

It's Hard to Make A Comeback When You Haven't Been Anywhere
Current mood: Lonesome

So, here I am. Sitting at my computer another day, looking for things to do. Yeah, yeah, I have things I could be doing. I'll do them soon. Right now, I'm just trying to get my editing job done and my profile here finished. Found a great quote by van Gogh: "I wish they would only accept me as I am." I like it. I think I'll make it mine.

Currently reading : I Know This Much Is True By Wally Lamb Release date: 06 April, 1999

9:09 AM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment