What the hell was I thinking...and other questions one asks one's self in stressful moments...

Well, the date is set...

On June 12, 2006, I pull out of my driveway in a 17-foot U-haul on my 1600-mile trek to NYC.  It is a 1600-mile trek because Rosanne and I are taking a detour to North Carolina to see my best bud, J.C.  That should be fun and only increase our gasoline consumption marginally.  Now the real kicker is that I still don't have a job and because I don't have a job, I have no place to live...am I scared...you bet your happy ass I am...but I havent given up hope...I am wavering only slightly in my constitution...argggghhhh.  Okay, I am okay...I think it just goes to show, that there is no good time to follow your dreams...you just have to load the truck and zoom out of the driveway.  If I were to wait until the time was right, I could be 45 and past whatever expiration date is metaphorically set on live changing moves to NYC, but rather than be a reasonable, organized, disciplined, prepared individual...I am moving to NYC with no job, no home, no money, no car, no nothing but my wife and a truck full of stuff I should probably just leave here.  Please shoot me...

That is all...

6:24 AM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A ship blown from it's mooring...

I seem to be stuck in that weird...I have a lot to accomplish in a short amount of time but am feeling very unmotivated...place!  I have to find a place to live and a job in NYC before I leave in the middle of June...plus I have that... I have to figure out how I am going to pay for it all... thing hanging over my head.  

I am listless... I am a ship blown from it mooring if you will.  It takes everything I have just to get up and be somewhat responsive throughout the day.  Am I just putting off the gigantic monster that looms above me out of fear?  I don't know.  I am really not even motivated to type this blog...but that it occupies my brain for a few moments.  I would like to lie down on my comfy sofa and watch movies.  Maybe I just need a few days vacation. 

"Pimpernel" is almost over.  I have mostly enjoyed the process.  It has stretched me to do a show that kicks my butt vocally and forces me to flex my acting muscles.  I don't think I want to direct a show at the same time I am acting in a show again, anytime soon.  That really kicked my ass and is probably the reason for my current bouts of fatigue.  However, I felt as though I was able to give myself to both productions. 

Somebody asked me the other day what shows I am most proud of...  My Fair Lady is at the top of that list simply because it represents the fruit of several years of toil. 

I think this could also be a reason for my apathy.  I know that my work at the school is coming to a close.  I have poured my life into building a program and now I have to let it go.  I am struggling with the best way to put it aside and trust that it will become what it can without me.  I am pulling myself back from my work at the school and it has left me uncertain.  It goes back to my examination of "I am".   I have played the role of teacher for almost four years... that role is coming to an end and I feel as though I have lost definition. 

There is a great quote in William Ball's, A Sense of Direction... it reads:

The individual's belief in his identities gives a pattern to his reality and a definition to his activity.  He limits his beliefs in order to maintain identities that are manageable, comfy, respectable.

Now, the actor commits himself to a lifetime of beliefs in an endless series of identities.  The actor spends his professional life completing the phrase "I am"; and every time he plays a different part, he completes that phrase differently...

The byproduct of this kind of life is that the artist is never settled in his identity.  The artist is never "defined".  I think I am in that vulnerable place where I am not currently defined by " what I do" but rather " who I am"... I have spent so much time in the former arena; the latter confuses me. 

It is exciting to reinvent oneself, but the struggle is finding a core, a consciousness that helps to anchor you.  As a director, I can deal with this sense of listlessness in my actors by helping to guild them to identity within a production.  However, it is more difficult to guild ones self to identity on the internal level... Such is my present struggle... I am not alone...though at times it feels that way!

Have a good one!

8:06 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It seems to me...

Two blogs in one day... the muse has struck and My Space has reached yet again into my soul. 

It seems to me that the artist is ever in search of definition.  At least that is the case with the theatre artist.  I have discovered something recently that has caused me to question my sense of self-awareness.  Ask me on any given day what I am, what I do, any variation of this question, I would answer... I am a theatre artist, educator, etc... Mostly I would describe myself as a director.  However, jumping back into the acting realm has forced me to question if that description adequately describes...me.  The transition to actor has been difficult.  I am struggling with all the issues my students wrestle with as they begin to develop their craft.  I am exercising all the muscles, but they are fatigued from apathy.  Another show or two and I will call myself an actor again... However, the point of this rambling is to highlight the source of my disconcertedness.  When one is an actor, one has no "I am"... there is no definition in the substance of a person whose life is centered on creating anothers " I am".  My name is Chad...My character is a butcher...today I am a butcher... outside of that... I am waiting for the next...I am... Does that make sense?  As a director, am I a director, or am I a collection of characters working towards a goal?  Would that make me schizophrenic?  Now I have confused myself... I think I need to wrestle with this a bit more... I am walking the thin line between philosophy and art... Let's discuss this one over a cup of something...hmmmmm.....

Next topic...tomorrow...I will come back to visit the question of unity...

Have a good one!

11:52 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The question of unity...part uno...

The most exasperating thing about self-deprecation is the constant feeling that your best is never attainable.  No matter how hard you work, you never reach something that you can be satisfied with, so every endeavor leaves you wanting and unfulfilled.  I have often been accused of being my own worst critic.  It's undeniable; I am the flogger of my own discontent.  Always festering...always reaching... How does one turn such intimate distain into a positive force?  Surely, ones own ambition for success is one's greatest catalyst to greatness.  It is the foremost question in my conscious toil.  Those around you that have their own issues with perfection of course, exacerbate the problem.  It is amazing to me that we as creative, perceptive, and intellectual beings find our greatest and falsest comforts by tearing down others.  Woe is the torture we perpetuate on others because we are lacking... or we feel that we lack.  Can one imagine a place where people champion the successes and failures of their compatriots?  I am pondering the question... and must go to class.  More to come in a bit...

8:21 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Things I learned from "The Great Gatsby"...

So... a wild hair has grown out of my backside and forced me to jump headfirst again into the vast ocean of My Space!  I spent the better part of the day looking up friends from high school.  Granted, I have not remained in contact with even my best childhood friends, I am suddenly consumed with the desire to track down the individuals that color my favorite stories of yesteryear.  I have achieved some small level of success in this endeavor and now await the e-mails that I anticipate will flood my inbox... At least I hope.  What is it that makes a man suddenly desire to connect to his past?  I have just finished reading "The Great Gatsby for the fifth time.  I finally get it.  Fitzgerald understands that one cannot erase the past.  The thrill of humanity is the hope of the future... however, the constant reaching in to the expansive future ultimately leads us to the past.  At this exact moment in my personal history I am standing on the precipice of one of the most exciting and frightening adventures I have ever begun.  I am moving my life to a new city with absolutely no assurances.  I am bored with my life and I am yearning for the freefall... and what am I thinking about... high school... what the hell! 

Anyway, if any of you great blasts from the past are reading this...hello again.  Those of you who are more recent friends... hello again as well.  Let us catch up! 

Those of you that are interested, both my shows have opened (one just closed).  Pimpernel received outstanding reviews from the Star-Telegram and runs for two more weeks, and My Fair Lady...the latest directing gig... sold out every performance with glowing reviews of its own.  If you want to see Pimpernel, send me a message.  It is a great show and well worth the evening spent watching it!

Next, time something wittier... enough introspection!

6:30 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A little of this, a little of that...

Well it has been a whirlwind of excitement over the last few days.  Let me start out by saying that I am way tired.  I spent almost ten hours yesterday filming...yes that is right filming.  My friend Doreen e-mailed me the other day.  We went to SMU together and she is in town working on a new film, Rain.  The movie stars Faye Dunaway and Robert Foggia and is directed by Craig Dibona.  Well, she needed someone to be a stage manager at this wealthy arts high school talent show.  I doubt it will make it past the dustbin, but it was a fun way to spend an evening.  I met Ms. Dunaway and Bob.  Maybe that will explain their personalities.  I also met Shane Evans from Collective Soul.  He is working as the Music Coordinator for the picture.  He is a pretty cool guy.  I got to talk to him a bit about Dallas Musicians as he is trying to build a score around local talent.  The film is very near completion and the crew is starting to thin, so everyone is a little more accessible.  It was fun to observe someone like Craig Dibona give direction to someone like Faye Dunaway.  He is a very intense fellow, but when he talks to Faye he is all smiles and flattery.  I guess it is just part of the art of dealing with difficult talent.  It made me laugh that I could talk to everyone on the set, except Ms. Dunaway.  People are just people in the end, but sometimes they forget that.  I will tell you one thing about here, she doesn't miss anything.  All in all, a good evening, except that it took ten hours...

The rest of my week will not disappoint either.  I have an appointment for new headshots.  I am excited about this...It is always fun to do something that makes you feel like you are making progress. Rosanne is out of town this week so I am staying up late working on New York stuff.  That is really exciting.  I have an audition at Theatre Three I am preparing for and I am trying to research and write a paper on the role of the feminine in tragedy for NYU.  This is truly the biggest bane in my existence.  I love the topic and I have already written one paper on the subject, but it falls in a bad time.  I am running around the table and banging my head in the wall these days to spin all the plates I have laid out for myself, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

My marriage is better than it has ever been.  I disappeared for a while because I needed to work on my relationship with my wife.  We both have alienated ourselves from others...first as a way to force communication...second because we eventually began to remember why we got married in the first place.  We really like each other.  It goes beyond love.  In a way, we have resolidified our desire to be with one another.  We both have baggage, but we have redefined the bases of our relationship.  I understand that we have work to do, and anyone who has been married for very long will tell you that their are days you just have to choose to stay with someone, or to leave them.  Commitment is a daily choice make no mistake.  However, that can be a wonderful challenge.  I am almost five years into marriage and eight into relationship.  That is a lot of time to lose and certainly worth the effort.  I can look at Rosanne these days and see in her eyes the way she looked at me when we first started dating.  That's pretty cool.

On other fronts, I have become overwhelmed by my nightstand.  I was pondering the pile of paperbacks that seem to be expanding and I realize I need to start finishing books.  Currently, I have this list of books waiting to be completed:  Frankenstein, On the Road, Man and Superman, The works of Poe, A collection of Keats poetry, A collection of Neruda's poetry, Wicked, The Scarlet Letter, Sophie's World, My Fair Lady, A book on the German language, Backwards and Forwards, and now the Lit Crit books for my paper.  This has become a problem.  I am seriously thinking of getting rid of my nightstand and adding a bookshelf.  That, or a safe.  I can lock up all of the books except one, and give Rosanne the key.  I would be forced to finish one before going on to the next.  What I really need is a comfortable couch, and then I would spend more time reading, and less time working.  Oi! 

I am saving all my complex thoughts for my next blog; I have chosen to make my diction in this blog more colloquial so that I can let my brain relax.  I am trying to avoid a self-induced aneurysm.  I need to bye stock in Aleve, that and finally get my wisdom teeth removed. Oi! again.  All in time... 

Well folks, have a good one and I look forward to seeing you all very soon.

I have not proofread this, so as Matt would say, typos’ n all,

7:53 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Texas, Our Texas!
Current mood: excited

"Texas, Our Texas"

Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State!
Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great!
Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test
O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest.

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star,
Sends out its radiance to nations near and far,
Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow,
With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo.

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free,
Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny!
Mother of heroes, we come your children true,
Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

Wahoo,

Here's to Texas...

May your star forever shine bright and your little town of Shiner always produce its beer!

Chad

1:54 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

What a poopy doopy reality we are faced with...
Current mood: discontent

So, when I was a kid I used to play games with myself.  I didn't have anybody my age near the place I lived, so I had to create worlds with my imagination.  That is one of the reasons that started acting.  Another reason I started acting is because I had a messed up childhood and it was a good way to deal with life.  Art as therapy is never smart, but we all know that it comes up from time to time.  Anyway, one of the games I used to play was this spy thing.  I always had a crush on some little girl, and I would imagine that she was kidnapped and I had to rescue her.  No w I would play this game at my grandparent’s house and I would use vacuum cleaner attachments as weapons of my spy ness.  Of course, I had to fight many bad guys and ultimately I would always rescue the girl.  My prize was a kiss from the fair lass.  This was the best part... except there was no fair lass, only my imagination. 

 Sometimes I wish real life were like those imaginary stories I would create with a handful of dreams and a pocketful of wishes.  Things always made sense in that childlike fantasy world.  Good was good and bad was bad, and I was a badass martial artist... I kick in some heads and the girl always wanted me at the end of the day.  Alas, life is not like my imaginary playtime, but rather like a box of unmarked chocolates... you never know what you are going to get.  And the reality is, not all of the chocolates are filled with chocolate, some of them are in fact poo filled poo pies. 

I am contemplating reality this week.  I have been running everyday.  This week I increased my distance, and my body hurts.  Pain is reality.  I have not been sleeping enough... I am tired.  Fatigue is reality.  I drink to much coffee, and I need to use the bathroom.  Poop is a reality.  I am hungry and I eat.  Food is a reality.  It is in these simple things that that I realize how trapped in reality I am.  I seek out the moments that transcend reality, but even in those moments, I am grounded to the base, basic needs of humanity.  What I wouldn't give to ride a dinosaur into battle, or karate chop the evil Mr. Bad Guy.  Alas, maybe it is in the imagination that reality isn't so bad.  Our minds are like our own private Matrix.  All one can do is hope for some crossover. 

Anyway folks...toodleloo. 

Have a great adventure today and keep your chin up.  Maybe tomorrow you will get to scale the highest mountain before diving into the deepest river to save that someone special from a fate worse than death... and maybe, if you are lucky, that vacuum cleaner attachment might just become that super laser.  I hear super lasers are good for road rage... another stinkin' reality...

Shalom,

Chad

1:13 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Throbbing head and other tales of discursivity

So, every now and then a little rain must fall, but Moses supposes his toes are roses.  One in the hand is worth two in the bush and it is all Greek to me.  Whether the weather be cold, or whether the weather be hot, big black bears do indeed eat big black bugs.  The moral of the story, never chase motorcycle cops down the street while repairing a submarine. 

This is my head today. 

My thoughts are racing randomly through the central vortex I call a brain and the synapses are most certainly misfiring. 

I am lost in the midst of a to do list a mile wide ad I can't make sense of it.  Please, someone give me an Adderall or a Ritalin pill. 

Coffee, I need coffee to kill this crazy caffeine headache.  I am coming off my Italian roast high and I am about to enter the delirium tremens.  Shake, shake, shake your shokrahs. 

My hands are twitching... I have some ferocious gas today.  Ouch and boom! 

Matt is correct in saying that we cannot run from the pieces of our life that cause us pain or displeasure, we must deal with the creature within... or drink heavily... one or the other.  Perhaps if more of us choose as Frost says" The road less traveled by", then we would be more content, ad less apt to be drunk.  Drunk on life not liquor.  That was sort of lame... sorry.

I am going to step away from the computer now, my head is throbbing and I am having trouble forming sentences.  I am going to take an aspirin and crash on the couch in the teacher workroom.  Oi Vay!

12:11 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

An educated discussion on the absudist comments of the conservative media...
Current mood: contemplative

Okay, so I have been doing a lot of thinking about this William Bennet thing.  I don't know if any of you are following the William Bennet thing, but it is one of those great moments in time where life echoes Literature.  You see, Bennet made this quote in response to a caller:

"I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down ... that would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down. So these far-out, these far-reaching, extensive extrapolations are, I think, tricky,"

Now, his comment was presented in such a way, that the educated listener would gather the satire inferred.  The caller had been making broad statements about the economic benefits of not having allowed abortion for the last thirty-five years.  The caller lacked the wisdom necessary to make statements on this subject.  He was trying to present an idea that to not allow abortions would mean that we would have an influx of tax dollars and we would be a wealthier country etc.   He failed to bring into account the understanding that the majority of abortions...something like seventy percent are from mothers that are living at or below the poverty level.  The sad reality in our country is that those who live in the poverty level seldom make it out.  The caller’s logic is flawed.  While there are many powerful arguments against abortion as a practice, his was not well thought out.  He demonstrated that anything taken to its extreme conclusion would most likely end in absurdity. 

Bennet responded with his quote, stated above, sighting the best selling book, Freakonomics.  The book puts forth the idea that the rise of abortion has led to the lowest crime rate in thirty-five years.  Bennet’s comment was taking that idea to its absurd extreme in an effort to explain to his caller the idiocy of his earlier statement. 

Now I am not defending Bennet’s statement…personally I think it was a stupid thing to say.  The truth is, that he is right.  Any people group, white, black, or hispanic that was aborted without discretion would lead to a drop in crime, but to isolate a particular group opens him up for ridicule.  You would think he would know better.  William Bennet is not your everyday radio host.  He was the secretary of education for Reagan.  The man has been around.  He is a writer, educator and scholar, who apparently doesn’t have a filter on his thoughts. 

Bennet’s comment’s inside of an educational environment would have been discussed with a great deal of fervor and most likely have yielded a decent conclusion.  I personally think the issue is not race but poverty.  If would could examine ways of reducing the poverty level dwellers, we would see a drop in crime.  That is the crux of the Bennet argument.  He later stated on the conservative talk show Hannity and Colmes that he was taking to the extreme the idea that reducing poverty led to less crime.  The extreme conclusion is that by eliminating people, one eliminates the problem… He describes the process in this quote:

"On Wednesday, a caller to my radio show proposed the idea that one good argument for the pro-life position would be that if we didn't have abortions, Social Security would be solvent. I stated my doubts about such a thesis, as well as my opposition to such a form of argument.  I then stated that such extrapolations of this argument can cut both ways, and cited the current bestseller, Freakonomics, which discusses the authors' thesis that abortion reduces crime. Then, putting my philosophy professor's hat on, I went on to reveal the limitations of such arguments by showing the absurdity in another such argument, along the same lines. I entertained what law school professors call 'the Socratic method' and what I would hope good social science professors still use in their seminars. In so doing, I suggested a hypothetical analogy while at the same time saying the proposition I was using about blacks and abortion was 'impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible,' just to ensure those who would have any doubt about what they were hearing, or for those who tuned in to the middle of the conversation.”

This kind of philosophic argumentation is called, reducto ad absurdum, or reducing to the absurd.  Here is where the whole story mimics literature.  In Bennet’s conversation with Hannity and Colmes he evoked the essay by Jonathan Swift, “A modest proposal”.  In this essay, Swift, an Anglican preacher stationed in Ireland, writes that to alleviate the conditions of the impoverished Irish, that all children at the age of one should be killed and used for food, or sold.  He defends his thesis by stating the many benefits of such a proposal.  Food and profit for the poor would now be plentiful for the masses.  He had other arguments; six in total, but the basic conclusion was simply that they could end their poverty by eliminating people…sound familiar.

Now, Swift of course was implementing satire to bring to light the plight of the Irish in the early 1700’s.  He loved the Irish people and did not really want to see them harmed, but he used absurdity to show the English the issues of the Irish people and to put a human spin on the problem, thus inciting responses from the English in the for of help fro the poor. 

I think Bennet saw himself in such a light, at least in retrospect.  I don’t know if he was thinking of Swift at the time he made his statement.  However, I bet he wishes he had thought of the backlash that Swift received for his “modest proposal”.  Swift was attacked in the same manner that Bennet is being attacked now, and that was in 1729.  Bennet should have realized that such a statement would not go unnoticed or unchallenged.  The sad thing is, that we are all allowed to make bold statements, good or bad, but the reality of our politically correct world limits the freedoms we are supposed to enjoy. 

I have a proposal myself; here at the school I teach at, we don’t have enough parking.  The sophomores and juniors must park off campus.  I propose we just kill off those juniors and sophomores that drive, and then we won’t have any more problems with parking… reducto ad absudum. 

Well my friends, I hope this has not hurt your brain,

Carpe Diem,

Chad

4:45 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment