Stuff from the new show...
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I'm actually adding NEW material.. I know I know... but still..

I am the woman of someone's dreams and got married.
Three times
Only two of those guys woke up.
I was caught by  total of one hundred and twelve guys, ..I know, it couldn't have been too hard... [visual, I have a cane or wheelchair most shows]
most threw me back
the old Fuck n Truck...
Screw N Skiddoo
On the skiddoo
Hang em and bang em.
Love em and lose em...
I had revolving credit at the free clinic.
Condom companies would call me for input... "That one was good, but the one before smelled like a night at Nascar..... yeah I guess you could sell it to the Southern market."

I guess the really scary part is that I did all those guys...sober.
So I keep wondering if I was drunk... who I would have ended up with.
Or what.
Or where.
And if it would have the money back guarantee like the
male hooker I had to use to deflower.

Yes, I bribed someone the first time.
"I have cable. Come over?"

No one I ever met has ever had a "GOOD" first time.
It's always something really awkward involving hiding from
the police or
under -a -couch-with-a-dog-stealing-your-panties- in- a -trailer- in-the- back -of- the- cabin-at the Uncle -that's-usually- not -here -this- time- of -year-but-oh-my-god-is-that him-making-that-noise's house.
And you never knew what to say afterwards.
"thanks"
"oops"
"can we do that so I get to feel it this time?"
No.
Just like the rest of your life. No.

I'm exactly you know..a pretty girl... so I always ended up with really good looking guys.
The ones who used me to get to my dancer friends.
You want guranteed good- time long -time... you get yourself a friend who won't eat anything.
While she's pretending to speak words with syllables,
the guy will end up doing anything... meaning ME... to get to her.
It's like watching something on Animal Planet.
"Yeah, I think she really likes it when the guy is on top, and talks like the entire cast of Torchwood [change that to Two and a Half Men with a non cable-watching"guy"]
into her ear...yeah like that...oh yeah....she's going to love that....oh yeah..."

I hate when you're with a guy and you find that lint ball while you're doing it.
Right at the base of his spine..you know where I mean?
Where that little bit of butt pokes out over the levis as he fixes the washing machine?
How does he collect so much lint in a spot that is scratched sixteen hours a day?
Or when they get so comfortable with you that you become the sounding board for every bodily function he can muster?
That's not comfort
That's Tourettes.


what I am saying is that I'm a serial divorced house wife...and I've slept with a lot of gay guys who stayed gay, and a couple of straight guys who turned gay....
Never been with a gay guy who "Turned" straight"
I guess that's not possible.
I guess he'd have to weave.

Married now.
I used up all my sex vouchers.
It's not that I want it anymore either.
I just have better things to do.
Like sleeping.
I don't know how people with kids and jobs have time for sex.
I'm still programming my tivo, and by the time I even remember
that I was going to even attempt to try to get naked time,
I remember, I'm a middle aged woman with a cane.
I served my time.
The hubby is just lazy.
I say no, and he thinks "Day off from the gym"
Every position makes me laugh.
The only thing tight and hard on our bed is the back of the remote.
It's like two jellyfish looking for clams.
We flop around and things start wiggling that didn't even exist before those girl scouts showed up with the crate of cookies.
Three weeks in a row.

9:56 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Just 6 Days To Comedy CLINIC OPEN HOUSE!!
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Hey all.
We wanted to invite you to the FIRST all comedy school in Las Vegas, (not just improv...)... The Comedy Clinic opens its doors at the Family Music cabaret theater on West Sahara at Cimmaron. That's right! February 12th, from 5-7pm... COME ON DOWN... check out the comics, and we even have a showboy! Daryl Roth, who was in Jubilee is teaching a course in Auditioning in Vegas!  Pretty awesome.. never had our very own show boy before.. well maybe but not on stage.

Meet Steve Austin, Ernie Dog, Cathe B, Mike and Lisa Close, and Daryl right there at the cabaret. Sign up for courses! Have a free snack... and check out the mini-showcase.

Going to be a blast..and more so if YOU are there!!

CB

3:59 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

firm and unfirm club and comedy clinic news
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I had a chat today with the Entertainment Director at the Station Casinos. I got the firm story, and learned what was just "talk" direct from the people who make the decisions. Turns out things that I thought were definite, was talk, and speculation. I also talked to them to clear up a misconception. I am NOT taking over the club at Palace Station. That isn't in the cards, wasn't going to be, and I hadn't assumed it would be. Scott mentioned he was going to ask if the people who were running it would want a buy out and have him take it over, but he didn't actually go beyond talking about that.. It never was anything more than a rumble and a thought.

What I DO know is happening is the Comedy Clinic, at the Family Music and I DO know that Scott is still scouting locations for the comedy club. He said he was talking to people at  different casinos, and we're meeting early next week. But the confirmed sign offs that he had told me about were for the Comedy Clinic, and NOT for the Club, as I had assumed... it was the conversation that was the problem. I had misunderstood what he had said. I was under the impression that it was the CLUB he was talking about, but it was the comedy workshops.. he was okaying us for-- he had been clearing the way for this, and not anything else. So it was my misunderstanding that was the problem.

He DOES want to have me run a comedy club. He DOES want the comedy club to happen, and he DOES want to have it be some place where locals will come. He wants to speak to his friends, who apparently know him well, from his work with Harrahs, and with other casinos in town...and he did mention the Station casinos, because he did work with them in the past. It was my mistake for assuming he had meant people he spoke with are the ones I spoke with... they didn't even know who he was. Fortunately I think that will be corrected. Now that we are in contact with each other, hopefully some time, there may be some talk in the future. OR it may be another casino chain, or individual casino we end up working with, but- meantime... the comedy clinic IS actively happening.

The marketing plan for the club is still active, and we're going to shop it around after he's back from the NAM show. I apologize to the folks at the Station Casinos again for my misunderstanding of conversations I've had with an outside party...but again, I think, in the long run, we may end up helping each other out eventually. We'll be training some amazing local comics for your club, and hopefully, if we DO end up working on a club within your chain, it will be an endeavor you'll be proud of.... and if we don't..we'll support live comedy wherever it is in town!

Cathe B

2:32 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

las Vegas comedy festival Minchin/Melendez/Izzard ohmy
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Okay..I was going to go in order.. because, frankly.. as someone with a degree in each-- comsci, animation, music, and performance art... you pretty much get that left brain and right brain are parallel at all times. Well not really... it's just blatantly obvious that my world is all ADHD well before all that stuff was known to be a valid brain function. Oh look canaries!
But I had to comment on the last night of the Festival first. It ended with quite a grand finale and I had a great friend to share it with, which made it something special. She laughs almost as loudly-- if not more so- as I do- so JOY filled the air whenever there was fun to be  had, and I LOVE it when people express themselves with joy. There was a show I was at that some person just sneered at me whenever I laughed and it just miffed me-- like laughter is something that need be edited by some sort of censor board? please! LIFE! ENJOY! See, I went to the ADHD land again.. okay back..
So, starting with the finale.. The Hot Tamales show!! Ohmygawd can we just admit it the world that Jessica Kirson is the funniest human on the planet and she IS a female Steven Pearl. Right here and now, just state that for the record? Come on. We all know it. It's truth. She even LOOKS like Pearl. But man she's so much better and funnier than anyone out there today. I can't imagine how I survived her set-- I had to use my Adavair TWICE. OUCH. She is insanity and I adore her. Gina Yashere did the sets from her DEF Comedy show..and again rocked it. Sandra Valls, an up and coming Diva of the Latina and LGBT set is just a phenom and so is Amy Anderson who I just caught on TVOne recently, and who has a charm that is reminiscent of Margaret Cho's early years. Kiki Melendez is one of my favorites. She reminds me of one of my friends who recently died for a stupid reason-- bad medical care.
Marilyn Martinez is a -- was a Diva in the comedy community at the Comedy Store, and everywhere else. She died two weeks ago of Colon Cancer that COULD have been cured had the right surgeon done the right thing. The idiotic HMO system wouldn't pay for the surgery she needed, and she had to figure out how to pay for it out of pocket. So while working on getting the funds together...time wasn't on her side..and she lost her battle with the illness. What really sucks is that there were people who offered to pay but the freaking system was STILL against her-- HMO means Hispanics and Minorities OUSTIDE! Seems that way sometimes. (Hispanics are not the minorities anymore, peeps! We anglos be!) The show was supposed to be dedicated to her..but Kiki forgot!!!!! aiyeeee!! I reminded her and her face... she was whiter than my Irish grandmother. (who died eight years ago) But the show was wonderful..and although the entire audience was invited to the Pure nightclub, and my friend Jenn was picked on by Kiki twice to join her in a few jokes... we did end up leaving for the night...because we had a full evening.

Prior to the Hot Tamales show, we were joined by  a drop-dead gorgeous Stephanie Paul and a comic friend Dax, at the Eddie Izzard show-- again FRONT ROW. He was wonderful- and I was in fits over his take on the giraffe v. tiger routine. The fact that farm animals make noise and giraffes do not- that is his premise. Yet, this man can make that premise the most beguiling bit of wit you have ever heard in your life. Now, I have to admit, this is also the man I sat next to, and was gladly doing so, during the entire premire of the Aristocrats, so I have a personal aquaintance-ship to Mr. I. When I got to see him later on in the hallway he was bustling about with a production assistant, and Jenn and I thought, hmm.... shall  I hand him a lipstick?? BUT alas..he was distracted, and I thought, nay, not, never do that to a man with a production staff member by his side. Ironically our date for the previous show, Tanyalee Davis, spent several moments with him and Tim Minchin after the show we saw even EARLIER.

On to Tim Minchin. If you want to get a song in your head, and never lose it... go promptly to Tim_Minchin at myspace and view Canvas Bags video. Then play that sucker for your friends. You will have that in your head for the next 40 - 80 hours, as I do. "Take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags, take your canvas bags, to the shopping mart" That was the pentultimate..the opening song- "I'm so f*cking Rock"  cracked me UP... because I'd only seen the BBC version. Seeing the full instrumental, with live and effects. So much fun going to the show with Tanyalee and Jenn, and Stephanie, and Tanyalee's friend Christine. Just a lot of fun. having friends there. Of course, he plays brilliantly-- and being married to a pianist, I especially was fond of his similarily skilled hands. Just a great night.

So...in short. Laughing good, friends great, women comics ROCK. Minchin- so f-n rock, and Izzard is a great giraffe.

Carry on.
Cathe B.

10:13 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

LV Comedy Festival Day ONE
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Okay, so scouting Day ONE
I went to the Lucky 21 Shows.. and I'm glad I did. Sponsored by ziddio.com so you can go there and see the videos. Well..here's a tale prior.
I went the TheComedyFestival.com website. I dare you to figure out things there. Go on. Try. I wanted to buy the Club Package. You Cant. You have to get it at the event. I go to the event. "You can't buy a package here."
"Why not?"
"You want the free events? We don't have free events."
It says on your website there's free events 3-9pm.
"No it doesn't."
It says I can buy a package to the club shows.
"No it doesn't"
Where do I go to check in if I'm viewing talent?
"Past Celine Dion, there's a table."
I go there. It's the Ellen Degeneres table. I ask the gal there where to go to Will Call to get the Club packages to see the Lucky 21's and to get the Club packages. "We don't do that, we're here for he Ellen Show, Are you one of the artists?"
No, I'm in the Garage Comedy show.. in the Festival Plaza. I am doing things with the free shows.
"There are no free shows."
Nevermind. Uhm, Where do people check in.
"I don't know."
Where did you check in?
"I didn't."
Where did you get your badge, and all this stuff you have that says, 'COMEDY FESTIVAL?
"Oh, that.. Uh, I don't know. Someone from production did that. You can ask the box office."
Okay, thanks.

So I head off to the third box office, after finding about five people with "STAFF" tshirts who had no idea where I was going. This is fascinating, right? Yeah. Okay. SO I get to the Will Call.
Hi, I want to get the club package to the Lucky 21's. And to find out about the Free Shows. I'm supposed to be getting a badge?
"We don't have any free shows."
Uhm. What's the listing on the website about Lucky 21..is that ticketed? Do I get those here?
"Yes."
Is that a package?
"I don't know about a package."
Is this Will Call?
"Let me get a supervisor. But we don't have free shows."
So she goes off to get  a supervisor. All  I wanted to do was get the Lucky 21 package and find out about free shows. That's it. She then tells me I have to buy INDIVIDUAL tickets to each show, they don't have packages. I know that this is incorrect, but it's been 75 minutes now that I've been trying to just get this solved. Seriously. 75 minutes. And, I live here, printed out the ticket info, and have the schedule in front of me. All I want to do is watch artists, book people, and see what's going on.
I get three tickets, THREE...the cost of the package I had set aside for the week that would have been for eight. . Okay. I gave up.

Mike Hollingsworth from Garage and I had a chat. I ran into Snakebabe and her luxurious manager Steve August. We chatted about having them help at the Comedy Clinic. I go the "Festival Plaza" to ask them "whats the free show schedule?"

Uhm... that starts THURSDAY. SO the website is incorrect..there isn't free things 3-9 Wednesday to Saturday. There are dueling pianos. (oh boy twin blonde gals singing Billy Joel..that's comedy.) There's a giant twister blow up game, Twix, putt putt, and me taking pictures of them all. And, I go eat at Joes.

I head to the Emperor's Ball Room and meet a wonderful gal, Holly, from Hawaii. I get sat near the front, so I can screen folks...which was wonderful of the staff. AND, Holly turns out to be  Superhero, (more later). I look over my shoulder-- Stephanie Paul, a kiwi with a GREAT writing power and delivery, whom I met in Orange County this September is an HBO production assistant and is just there-- TA DA-- I now have two people hanging out and chatting with me at the Lucky 21.

First set- Tommy Blaze- who is one of my MySpace buddies, and as it turns out, is a friend of Nancy Ryan whom I late see hoping to catch up with him. His set is very much a Defending the Caveman 2.0 meets Pardo, with a lot of power, personality, and he wins the crowd. He was the fifth up, so probably shouldn't have mentioned him first, but he's first in the lovely program, so there.

They started with a fellow from my old neighborhood- Scary-mental, Mike Winfield has a lot of charm and looks a lot like a character from the Bill Cosby Fat Albert cartoons. His grin is three times the size of  his face. His material is mostly about the birth of his kid, and buying drive-thru Mexican chow as a Baltimore transplant. He has television potential.

The next guy up was Dave Metcalfe. The Utah native has a disability so he's already a plus with me. (We gimps stick together.) His material is solid, he delivers well, and he holds his own. I think he'll go really well with a show I have planned, and I chatted with him a bit afterwards. I'd like to see what he has other than the disability material, I think his writing is great.

Mark Simmons stole this particular round, though. He is the stand-out for this group because he didn't let  up once. He pummeled his "pot head" routine into the audience, but made himself SO likeable, and so non-preachy. He was an everyman's man. Women and men found him equally likeable, laughed as  hard, and I think there wasn't anyone who didn't find him hilarious no matter how old or young they were. He related his family to everyone- coming from a house of 19 kids!

The surprise was Michael Palascak. His slacker routine could have been annoying, but came across as charming. He didn't whine, but has a rhythm to his patter that made him endearing. He writes in a way that makes you almost WANT him to live with his parents for the rest of his life. I'm looking forward to seeing what he'll do over the next few years.

The one line that slowed John Branyon down was "I'm a Christian". Had he not said that line, he could have had a better set. Not the room to have an anti-Sin City commentary. Behavior speak louder than words. Sometimes that works on stage, too. He was the only one who really was working hard on stage. He lost the audience and only occassionally brought them back. I felt sorry for him.

Richie Redding-- He's smart. Has an interesting take. He has a pot-head meets Stephen Colbert poly-sci routine. If he wasn't laughing at everything he said, more people would have been laughing with him. But he came across as smug and all-knowing. That closed him off to a lot of the audience. He was funny, don't get me wrong, but he lost a lot of people by his delivery.

Super hero Holly decided not to go to the second round..so she gave me her ticket! That's pretty cool! She's also a little older and said, since she's got the VIP pass, to come  up with her when I see her in line. So I'll do that. Cool, huh?

More ..coming.....

10:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Las Vegas Comedy Festival
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Today, and for the rest of the week, I'll be attending the free events at the Las Vegas Comedy Festival because, frankly, $3500 seems a bit steep. I'm going to scout the talent at the free stages and check out who is doing what there. I'm also going to find some friends from LA, Boston, SF, and around the country, to see who is buying drinks, and who is livng where-- and who wants to work in my new club. If any of you are in town.. lemme know!!

11:11 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Auditions I’d Never Go On

There's a reason I gave up acting. I didn't want to do any more auditions. The last thing I was on was a Fox Sitcom pilot. That sold. And was moved to another network. And I didn't move with it. When I was in Second City I got asked to audition for commercials ALOT of times. I did a lot of VO (voice over, for those who don't read Script-ese.) I don't have a particularly memorable voice, but it's generic enough to sound like someone that someone's met somewhere sometime someplace but they can't quite figure out where. That's the voice I have. So it's easy to cast for audio commercials. 

That's partly why I got radio so easily... I was marketable in all the cities I lived in.. I blended very well into whatever culture I was in. I also have what's known as an "empathetic ear".  When I hear an accent, I can pick it up almost instantly and it becomes part of my vernacular. I merge tone and phonetic inflection, so it sounds as if I'm from wherever I am speaking...which is great when you're trying to learn a language. My Chicano New Mexican is pretty good, and my Stockton Chicana is entirely different. I know six different ways to call on guys named Chuy, mijo.

Friends used to use me to play practical jokes. "Do the French one?" or "Do the Italian one?" But when I got the Disney commercial for a re-release of Bambi, I got that call the most-- "Do THUMPER!?" And this of course was around the time when I was doing phone sex while in grad school..so that voice made me a lot of commission and paid for much of my supplies at Calarts. That was my 976 pot of gold.

But, I see commercials now, and there are just some commercials I just don't think I could audition for ever. I don't think I could audition for a commercial where I'd have to look squarely into a camera, into the faces of people in bar rooms, American living rooms, bathrooms, and perhaps even their offices, and say, "I have Herpes, and I don't want my partner to get it."

I have to draw the line at "Olestra may cause runny stools, and advanced cramping." Stating that line in an audition would likely make me laugh for about six minutes, and after my giggle fit, and after I'd offer the director and AD, (assistant director, for those who don't speak Script-ease, or Art Director for those who don't speak Script -ese), a canister of said product, I'd have to redo the make-up and hope I at least got the line straight.

There's a product out there with a side effect -- "may cause problem gambling". Problem gambling? PROBLEM GAMBLING? This is a side effect? I can't picture the scientific trials that ended in a casino. I'm guessing the drug was funded by some Las Vegas poker casino exec who has a serious cash investment and added a magic single frame to the ad that sends people to his club.

Now that I'm thinking about it, the side effects could be the same drug..If you have herpes anyway, and you're scared shitless that your wife will find out, go to Vegas, blow your cash there, and hell, while your at it. spread the love.

That's the ad that I just can't audition for, really.
CBJ

10:13 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

An Atheist Comic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Yeah, I'm an Atheist Comic. This gives me a lot of grief, apparently, from those who don't understand what it means.
It means I do not believe in any thing relating to gods.

No bibles. No torahs. No korans. No epistles. No scrolls. No psalms. No letters to corinthians or testaments. No good books. No hymnals. No scriptures. No latter day or any other day saints.

No demons, no devils, no angels, no ghosts, no gods, no vampires, no werewolves, no zombies, (unless george romero is in the room because I believe in george), no ghouls, no chubacabras, no x-files, no ghost-whisperers, no great beyonds, no heaven, no hell, and no in-between also known as limbo, no sheol,  no hades, no perdition, and no purgatory. No damnation.

Let me clarify. I don't believe in reincarnation. I don't think that I'm going to haunt you. When halloween  happens- it's a bunch of  kids in costumes, and the banging on the roof is probably the neighbors pissed that I'm yelling at the horror movie on TV.

When someone asks me if I'm familiar with the good book, I say, "Hell yes, I've read Mark Twain, and I'm also in the middle of some kick ass Robert Ludlum. They're both dead. And they're not coming back to write more books either."

I don't get on my knees for any man in a dress. Unless I'm laughing my ass off, at a drag show.

When I see a man wearing a long white robe, a big pointy white hat, carrying a seven foot tall cross, and having a parade of men behind him holding torches and candles, I generally don't think of sacred services... I generally assume he's up to no good. Especially if that man gets into a bullet proof car, and can't be seen for weeks later.

I do not believe in gods. There's a great chance that the bible isn't the book you're supposed to be reading in a church. There's a really good chance that someone mixed up that book with Peter Pan.

Think about it.
There's a young boy, who can fly- which is like the most amazing miracle EVER. He stays young, lives with his posse, on a ship- which is kind of like walking on water. He manages to spend all his time with a virgin girl. He battles bad guys, lives with little boys, conquers whales, pirates, and even manages to find treasure. Now if that isn't a superhero to emulate? AND, he manages to do all this wearing TIGHTS instead of a dress! Much more manly, too. I can see why people would confuse the Bible with Peter Pan.

I'd go to THAT service. Chapter Six, verse ten, in the book of Peter, "Lo and Nana said, "Woof", we flew from the window and doth beat that Captain Hook with a single blow."

And no fish on Fridays and all that crap. Peanut Butter!

--
I used that bit for about eight years. Eight full years. I even have it in my demo reel. I got a student group that sent me a note tonight saying, "We don't really appreciate that insertion of the clearly Anti-Religion piece designed to be an affront to our values at this institution. We're returning your reel, and we've taken the liberty of removing this obviously blatant insult against our school."

Originally, I wrote the Atheist Comic bit when I was a student at Calarts, in 1989. It was first performed at the Belly Room of the Comedy Store, in an open mike soon afterwards. Since then, I used bits and pieces of it in radio shows, and even had parts of it air when I did an MTV Beach Party show. It absolutely amazes me the balls of some people to assume that A. I care enough about their petty beliefs to actually change my reel (FROM 1996), to play their college. and 2. That I'd actually change MY MATERIAL because of their snippity comments! In my world, that's known as censorship. For the record, that particular tape was sent back in 1996, while I was a college professor at Sacramento State, and it arrived to me, sent through a student who found me online-- who couldn't understand why this tape was returned to the Sac State, instead of my home address, which was listed on the tape--- ELEVEN YEARS LATER!! We both had a chuckle on that. She's promised to write something up in the school blog, and I'm looking forward to reading it.

On a related, sadly prejudicial note.. my book is held up at the moment, because my publisher is deepy offended by the word "GODLESS' in my grief book. you can read about this on the GodlessGrief.com forum, or  at my  blog at  blog.myspace.com/gimpyratcat

Cathe B

7:43 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment