10 Minutes
Current mood: grateful

My heart leapt when I saw your number light up my cell.

Instantly recognizable, even after so many years.

The resonating bell of your laugh still throttles my ear. The reassurance of your arrival warmed me in the chill. The thrill of seeing you after the passing of so much time awakened my senses as if it were morning coffee. For 10 minutes time seemed to stall. You and me...working in tandem, solving a problem...felt timeless.

Then the gears of time quickly moved again. In the brief moment that was mine, it was gone. You were gone.

The voice of reason says it has to be this way; you and I equal one chemical reaction ready to create chaos. The voice of Loki dares me to see how much destruction we could cause.

So, I hold this moment...the curve of your wrist, the light in your smile...the way time held its breath...just for me.

And I cherish it.

Currently listening : Life for Rent By Dido Release date: 30 September, 2003

6:46 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

What Christ Didn’t Come for.
Current mood: sleepy

For those of you I talk to for any amount of time (and maybe I've mentioned it here), you know my favorite running partner is Ravi Zacharias. One of the things I enjoy about listening to him is his simple brilliance. He has this incredible way of taking the most complex questions and breaking it down to the lowest common denominator.

A month or so ago, I was listening to him like normal. I think I was getting ready for work when Ravi made the statement, "Christ didn't come to make bad people good. He came to make the dead live."

And in this one statement, he said more than I've ever heard anyone else say.

On the first layer: Good, moral people will spend eternity in the land of utter hopelessness: hell. This is not why Christ came. In a related statement, Ravi said (and I'm paraphrasing), "In the utter irony of Christ, the living who were mourning the recent loss of Christ, were actually the dead. And He who was dead was actually the living."

On the second layer: Nothing you or I will ever do will be good enough. My striving for perfection...my desire to make people happy...will ever be good enough. The most important thing I can ever attain in life (salvation and eternity in heaven) can never be acheived on my own merit.

Something we all know on the one level. But how much time do I spend each day trying to purchase what I cannot gain.? I am not saying from this moment on, I will do nothing. I just mean that--once again--God is re-focusing my aim.

And in my sleepy state, it makes me stop to think.

I looked alive; but truly, I was dead. One day, I will look dead, but I will truly be alive.

6:50 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Do You Know?
Current mood: joyful

A couple of months ago, I entertained an online discussion about the qualities a good leader (within the church) should possess.

I debated 3 times about joining in, but I felt very strongly and was surprisingly in the minority. The person with the lead post is an "up and coming leader" within my denomination. My thoughts were this: Lists are good; however, all these qualities were at one time possessed by the likes of Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker. As we look for leadership within our ranks, should we be looking at lists? Shouldn't we, instead, be seeking God's direction? What ever happened to prayer and fasting; asking for His divine guidance as we seek a leader? From what I've read in the Bible, the man God chooses is rarely the same man we ourselves would choose.

The response to my post was simple: He compared the Holy Spirit to the "sixth sense," then said that "good leaders can spot other good leaders."

Where is that in the Bible?

So, I did what any smart person would do. I google'd him. I found his blog and I read it.

And I was sorely disturbed.

In one short blog, he stated that "The best I can do is the best God can do."

What?!

The first thought that shot across my brain was, "I thank God we aren't serving the same God." God is limitless in His ability. And while He chooses to use mankind to fulfill His plan, He is by no means limited by us. We are but dust in light of His grandeur.

The second thought was even more frightening: Maybe I didn't understand the blogger, but nothing what was stated can be held up to scrutability against Scripture. And then I thought about the hundreds of people who follow him and say "What a great leader! Look at all the people who fills his pews!"

And this frightens me greatly. Do we even read our Bibles anymore? "My sheep hear my voice and they know me." How else will we know the pop-psycho crap that has infiltrated some of our churches isn't the gospel of the Bible? Just because churches are filled to overflowing with people does not mean the church is a success. Just becuase churches are small doesn't mean they are failing, either. Success in the Kingdom won't be discovered on this planet. Only in heaven will we truly understand what "success" means.

I challenge each of us. The time is growing short. Jesus Christ will split the skies just like He promised. The earth growns for His return. But do we? Do we look for His coming? Do we wake up every morning with the sense that He could come back in this very moment?

Currently reading : The Four Loves By C.S. Lewis Release date: 29 September, 1971

5:30 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Uneasy Transparency
Current mood: peaceful

NOTE: This is not the direction I wanted to take with this blog. Quite actually, I wanted to go somewhere different, and this was a bit more...vulnerable...than I ever wanted to be. So, please...be gentle.

In July, I made an enormously difficult decision. I broke up with my boyfriend. I cared for him deeply; the footprint he left on my life was incredible and I will never forget the effect. I am a much stronger and more rounded person for having him in my life. He is a good man. But I saw our lives were going different directions, and after ten months I was no more closer to knowing if I wanted to be married than when we first started dating. I even prayed he would break up with me.

I ended the relationship and thought I tore my own heart out. I cried for weeks. From then until the end of August, the only time I didn't cry myself to sleep was when I was in New York City. And then only because I had to share an apartment with 5 other people. I didn't want them thinking I was as crazy as I felt!

When I came back from NYC, I started running around a local lake. I have no idea why I started running, it just popped into my head one day, and I did it. (I'm now up to four miles, four days a week.) It has proven to be a great stress reliever and a great way to clear my head (not to mention a great way to lose a ton of weight). I started thinking over the things I did right and the things I did wrong (and could have done a whole lot better).

I am a perfectionist by nature, and failure at anything just plain sucks. I started to spiral (once again) into this awful pit of gloom and despair. A very good friend of mine recommended I seek counseling, even if just for a bit.

So I did. And if anyone has EVER considered it, GO FOR IT. I've just had two sessions and the relief I feel just being able to walk in and "leave it" in the office is indescribable. The night after my first session was the first time in two months I didn't cry myself to sleep. In the ensuing weeks, I've mapped a course of where I want my sessions to go.

For one, I'm a hider. And anyone who knows me really well knows I'd win Oscars for my performances. I have never allowed myself to be vulnerable with anyone. Especially men. I tried to be more transparent with my last boyfriend, and to a small degree, I was. But I recognize that I need to become more emotionally healthy if I want to date again.

When the enemy has attacked my mind in the last few months, I've not had the presence of mind to tell him to shut up. I've literally just cried and deeply breathed my way through it, until it passed. This weekend, the thoughts came again. This time, I was in a state of mind to deal with it. And those thoughts fled.

What am I trying to say? I know I'm not alone in struggling with this. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with feeling like I'm a colossal waste of other people's time. I know I'm not the only one who feels the need to be a perfectionist.

Listen to me on this one. You don't have to accept the lies the enemy feeds you for one more minute. You are valuable to God. He loves you. Your friends love you, too. They are not your friends because of what you can do for them. Learn to lean on them. Lean on each other. Satan is so clever and quarantines us in this incredible isolation tank and just beats us to an individual pulp. He wins the battles when he can separate us and keep us one on one.

It's not easy, but learn to reach out to your friends. Reach out to God. And for heaven's sake, get counseling if you need it.

Currently reading : The Four Loves By C.S. Lewis Release date: 29 September, 1971

6:05 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Judy
Current mood: content

Judy was an amazing woman.

Judy was my friend.

Judy met her Lord face to face just two weeks ago.

It almost doesn't seem fair. I only met her two years ago. She was a wonderful friend who was so full of life. In her scant 50 years here, she triumphed over many adversities that would scare the rest of us to our own deaths.

For one, when she was a baby, she was in a car accident that literally ejected her from a car. The wreck killed her mom, but she was found--safe and sound--on the side of the road.

A happy baby. Judy grew up to be a happy lady.

Earlier this year, she reconnected with an old and dear friend. He and she were married on July 4, not more than 4 hours from where I now sit.

Four weeks of wedded bliss and contentment later, Judy's bone cancer came back with a vengence. The menace ravaged her so badly, doctors thought she wouldn't leave the hospital on her own accord.

And she almost didn't. The day after her birthday, her neck broke while she lay in bed. Her bones so brittle, they started breaking...almost for breathing.

Her husband was strong and supportive. Both he and she were thankful for the time they had together. In a moment of despair: "I finally have something to live for, and it doesn't look like I'm going to make it."

But Judy rallied. The doctors let her return home to be near familiar things. Scads of friends came to help.

But Judy knew she was ready to go home. And not her cute little house here in town. She knew God could speak a word and she would be whole here on earth, yet she knew it was time. And she was ready.

And ready she was, just two weeks ago, as we said goodbye to amazing and compassionate woman.

Last summer she gave me two suits she picked up. She said they just looked like me. I've lost so much weight that both are almost too big. I don't want to give them up.

I've been thinking a lot about Judy. Her joy and her happiness. Her contentment in all things. And yet...even though she finally found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, she realized she did. And she was ready to wait for him in Heaven.

And in the craziness that I have recently faced, I am content. My God is my Lord; He keeps all things. And He holds me close. I am comforted by the story Judy left behind her.

And it needs to be told.

Currently listening : Victims of Irish Music By Marc Gunn’s Irish & Celtic Music Podcast

6:05 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Knock, Knock

On the off chance that anyone still reads this thing (I highly doubt it, but I was restless).

I'm so sorry I haven't posted since...oh...the first of the year...

But excuses range from "my life was really busy" to "I've just not wanted to deal with anything." And they're all really valid and very good. I promise. :)

I'm in a quandry, actually. I feel like I'm in a constant flux. And just as everyone else feels at times (surely I'm not the only one), I have good days, and I have bad days. Right about now, they're running fairly equal; which is a bit of an improvement.

I've been contemplating life again and what it means and what I want out of it. The stinker is I'm still not sure. I'm almost 34, and I'm still not sure. The adventurer in me wants to sell everything and move to Ireland. Why Ireland? I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm listening to an Irish podcast at the moment.

But while I try really hard to calm down the part of me that wants to turn tail and run, I am really seeking the Lord on this one. Because there's something I'm not getting and really wish it would sink in.

8:03 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Happy New Year!
Current mood: tired

Greetings to all!

I apologize to those who actually read this. I appreciate each of you, and I have been so REMISS in writing! But ach, the holidays...

Three things rumble around in my head, two are slightly related, and one...well, not so much.

I'm starting with "not so much."

I wish I could tell the really coolest, most excellent thing ever. But if I did, then, I'd give away my anonimity. And I love that so much. So, all I'm going to say is that my brother's really cool band is about to become really famous. And my brother just rocks. God amazes me all the time. How simple, random things connect. And it connected for my brother.

hehe :)

Moving on...

In November, a friend I grew up with died. He was 35. A scant two years older than me. It was so incredibly sudden, too. He had massive headaches and went to the doctor just before Thanksgiving. An XRay showed a mass on his frontal left lobe. Subsequent surgery found that it was a rare brain cancer. So confounding that billions have been spent on its research, and yet no reason why it even starts has been discovered.

My friend suffers seisures after the surgery, and slips into a coma from which he will never regain consciousness. He was buried 15 days after he first had the headaches. He leaves behind a wife and two young boys (7 and 5).

I think about him and our whole lives growing up. He wanted to be a lawyer, like his dad. Even started law school. But then he felt God tugging at his heart, and he entered the ministry. He did the young thing for awhile, then started a sidewalk Sunday School in an innercity area. From that children's church, an innercity church was built (of people) in the middle of desolation. A true oasis.

I think of his life; he came from wealth. So did his wife. But they willingly left everything to follow the request of their Master. What an amazing life.

I think of his boys. What an incredible legacy. I pray for them, too. Not only is it hard to be raised today without a father, but I worry about what this can do to their faith. It is so easy to blame God for taking Dad away...

A few weeks later (in December), one of my theology professors died. He was 48. He suffered from migranes for as long as I've known him (12 years). I don't think he died from the headaches, but I do know that towards the end, life was getting worse adn worse for him. He left behind a wife and two children (17 and 13).

He was amazing. Incredibly knowledgable, but spoke very simply and plainly. He could remember every book he's ever read, know who published it and when it was published. He was a walking library.

But he was accessible.

And he cared about students. And people. And he loved God passionately. And he never considered himself above learning. He wanted to know Him more.

The world lost two great men. And most of the world will never know them. I'm grateful to call them "friend."

And I wonder if they've met in heaven yet. Because they have a lot I'd like to overhear. ;O)

3:43 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fortress

It's almost a shame that none of us truly know what a fortress looks like. About a month ago, I watched a four-hour marathon on the Ottoman empire. (Thrilling, I know.) Basically, the bane of the early empire's existance was Constantinople. Why? It was a (practically) impervious city. It was the feather in their cap. It was properous and central to trade with Europe. And every Ottoman sultan lusted after it.

Constantinople (or Istanbul) wasn't a normal city. It was a fortress. It had these enormous walls and equally impressive gates. When the city came under seige, people moved into the protected part of the city, and the people walled up the gates with stones, so it was impossible to get in. The city was bordered by lots of water. And the smart people of Constantinople drug massive chains (boom) across the water and anchored them on either side. Any ship trying to break through couldn't get past it.

Only one side of the city wasn't as strongly fortified: the side that faced the land. But Constantinople's enemies came from the direction of the sea, and for 1,000 years, the people were protected. They felt impervious. So why fortify all sides when the ones that face the sea will do?

But along came Mehmed II. At 12 years old, his youthful "sultan-ess" stood in the shadow of his father. His advisors were unsure he could manage. At about 20, he decided he needed to do something bold to gain recognition.

He needed to capture Constantinople.

He commissioned a Hungarian to create these enormous cannons (27 feet long) to blow up the wall. Problem: it took three hours to reload the cannons, and they had a shelf-life of six weeks. Not great for a siege.

Mehmed employed a spy to find a weakness in the city. The spy found the less-than-fortified wall.

But how in the world would Mehmed get his army to the wall? His navy couldn't get past the boom.

In a bold (and crazy) move, Mehmed moved his ships over land using greased logs and manpower. Long story short, Constantinople wasn't prepared for such craziness, and a few days later, the city fell.

The great city that stood for a thousand years wasn't completely impervious.

Makes me think about the hymn, "A Mighty Fortress." God is my city of refuge. And when the enemy raises a siege, when I face drought and famine, God is more than capable to offer me the safe haven I ravenously seek. I find safety behind His thick walls of grace.

And no siege will ever topple it.

Currently listening : Narrow Road to Silence By Starrfadu Release date: 08 March, 2005

3:40 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It's Been a Long, Long Time

Not only is this the title of one of my FAVORITE songs from the Fifties, but it really has been a long time since I've posted here on MySpace. I'll be honest. I was on a really old mac (think OS 9.1...it was over SEVEN years old!) And quite frankly, MySpace was difficult to manage. I hated it.

But I missed blogging. :) And keeping up. And all that.

So, I started saving for a new computer. It had to be a laptop and it had to be a Mac, because that's what I know. So I started taking every freelance gig I could get my hands on. And it was slow going, 'cause Macs are EXPENSIVE. But I thought my iBook would hold out.

It wasn't.

And to be honest, I REALLY didn't want to buy another computer. Because I'd rather put the money towards a bill than a new laptop. But the new laptop would actually help me with more freelance, because MANY places on the world wide web were beyond my old browser's reach.

So I prayed. And I did what Scripture says, "Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might."

And here I am. One new, shiny MacBookPro later, here I am. Wow. The internet is so much faster and the screen resolution is amazing.

But the most amazing thing is God's faithfulness. My old computer was dying a quicker death than I had expected, and I didn't think my freelance would catch up. But God provided in a most unexpected way. My parents gave me money. I never asked them for it, and they didn't know what I was saving for, they just wanted to give me money to help out with bills or whatever I needed it for. And it was EXACTLY what I needed for my laptop. And when mom and I went to buy it, it was the LAST one in the store.

Now, everytime I see this computer, I see God's immense faithfulness to me. Not because this was such a big thing or because I wanted it, but because it reminds me that God really cares about the things that stress me out.

And He really cares about the things that bring me joy, too.

But I'll save that for another blog...

5:12 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

I Have Hope
Current mood: cheerful

I have experienced an astounding revelation over the last few days.

I am a dork.

It's one of those wonderful notices from God that dawn in my brain like morning. And do you know what I'm realizing?

I have it wrong. My nose is out of whack. My vision's fuzzy. I'm focused on the wrong thing completely.

And there it is. My focus is wrong.

I've mentioned it before. I'm a born worrier. And I tend to see farther down the road than most. My boss calls it a good thing, but whatever. But I see where I am, and where I want to be, and I focus on those things.

I want out of debt.

I want to lose a few pounds.

I want to be in a significant relationship that results in marriage.

I want to continue my course at work and be a better employee.

I want to be a mom.

And the list continues. I shortened it dramatically for my viewing audience. There's an entire chapter on "I want to be a better..." I'll spare you.

For some of the things on my list, I lack hope. I feel like situations and circumstances are hopeless. And I have to set stuff aside and realize things may not happen the way I want them to be.

But then I realize I'm focusing on all the wrong stuff. Even the things I want to improve in my relationship with Christ. I have hope for so many things. So many things are scattered.

Somehow I forgot the most important hope I have. The one that lines my remaining hopes in line like the soldiers at Buckingham Palace.

The Blessed Hope.

One day in the near future, I will be with Him. My King. My Lord. One day, in all His majesty, He's going to welcome me into His Kingdom. Perfect happiness. Perfect joy. The Mighty One. The Holy One. In His presence for ever.

And I haven't been anticipating His return. It's crazy how the chaos of life sweeps in perfect distraction. I want to wake every morning and know I'm one day closer to eternity with Him.

Everything viewed outside of this hope else is pale and lifeless. But the things seen through this hope has life.

Christ is coming back. And He's coming for me. The thought of it makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. I cannot imagine the seeing Him. And I wonder how He anticipates the moment when we meet face to face.

He's coming back, and I want to be ready. I want to be beyond ready. I want to be holy. I want to purify my hands. He's coming back, and I want Him to find me not just awake but READY. My life has to change. I need to live a life that is holy. I need to love Him in the manner He loves me.

He is coming back. And this thought changes how I look at my life around me. Even the ordinary has a hope it didn't have before. I still desire those things, but they're importance and order in my life has shifted. Today, I'm looking at life in a different way.

Today, I have hope. And it makes all the difference.

5:11 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment