Cougar goes on a “rip-tear”
Current mood: Hungover

So, Having had a few really kind of bad days in a row, and with the boat in the shop for repairs, I figured dad must have a major case of "cabin fever" by now and I call dad and say: "let's go get drunk and sing some Karaoke – wanna?" Besides, I was missing Misty. (She runs Karaoke down at the bar – that is quite a drive from my house, yet she lives literally 3 or 4 blocks at most from my house....When I want to see Misty, I have to go karaoke It's weird, but thats the way it is.)

Arriving at the bar, all dressed up, lookin hot for 40 (If I do say so myself) and ready to let loose and get my drunk on, I proceed to down margaritas one after another. Now keep in mind, I am not a big drinker. I may drink once or twice a year. Therefore, My alcohol tolerance level is pretty low. (IE: I'm a cheep date) I had a good half of a fifth of Tarantula margaritas. I know, because I brought my own booze to the bar, ordered one drink at the bar, then just continually filled my own glass from the bottle in my purse. I'm kinda glad I did too, as the bartender was one of the worst and slowest bartenders I have ever come across. (Yes, I know it's technically illegal and frowned upon to BYOB to a bar.) and the bar was quite busy. Poor girl, I was half torn between being irritated that it took forever for dad to get "our" drinks and wanting to get behind the bar and help this poor girl out. I've bar tended, and know my way around a bar pretty well.

ANYWAY, I digress.....

Needless to say, I was feeling no pain, having a great time, sang my ass off, rocked the house, and at 2am was still plastered. Misty, being the sweetheart that she is, baby sat poor drunk Cougar till about 3:30 am then dropped me off at my front door. We all had decided to go to Shari's for "breakfast" and wait for Cougar to sober up. I just had coffee...which did nothing to make me sober, just made me a more awake drunk.

When we were ready to leave, as we were making our way to the front door, a table of Hispanics are speaking and sniggering and I picked up on what they were saying and immediately gave them the "Cougar death glare" and replied in Spanish: "Comprende Espanole – asshole!" Essentially, loosely translated, one of the men at this table had stated that I was 'an old, washed up, drunk whore, worth about 2 pesos.'

Resisting the strong urge to grab this punk by the throat, and telling myself this ass was not worth going to jail for, I did not tell him what I wanted to, but merely lowered myself to table level so I was eye to eye with him and stated that I understood what he had said, and that he should learn to grow some manners and respect for elders and women in general - then I walked away......ready for a fight, but not willing to go to jail for this jackass.

Misty had no idea this was going on as at about the same time, she had spotted an old friend across the room and went to say hello.

Since I did not get to vent what I wanted to directly to this Hispanic asshole, I will do so here.....

My beef? Hispanics come to this country, and INSIST that WE learn THEIR language....

If you are going to do that, don't be stupid enough to think that you can continue to speak Spanish, talking shit about other people around you and think that you are safe because us "Gringos" don't know what you're saying....You insisted we learn your language, remember? – dumb ass! This person would have never had the balls to say what he said in English, for social 'fear' (For lack of better word at the moment) of being heard by me or others. Thinking he was 'protected' by insulting me to his friends at the table with him in Spanish is a really stupid idea.

Now, why do I take such issue with Americans encouragement to become bi-lingual? Let me explain my position on this matter:

As a Native American (by marriage and adoption only – I don't have a single drop of Native blood in me, sadly.) when white man came to America and took it by force from the natives, what many don't know is that Natives were not allowed to speak their own language, were not even allowed to be called by their own names, but forced by the white man to take on "Christian names." Native Americans were not, and to this day are still not allowed to practice their (our/my) faith.

As example of this, "The Ghost Dance" is a sacred dance that is considered an "act of war against the U.S" even to this very day, and is illegal to perform this dance ceremony.

(if anyone does not know what the "Ghost dance" is, and why and how it became such a "Threat" to the white man, ask me, and I will write a blog on it to educate you if you are interested.)

SO – understanding that white man came to this country and forced Natives to change to their language and ways to conform to white ways, I think you may have a better understanding on why I take such strong issue with Hispanics coming to my country and insisting that we now learn their language, instead of them learning ours and its the white man that is encouraging and coddling this insistence by Hispanics.

Many of the Native language has become "lost" and is now virtually a "Dead Language."

Why does America coddle this insistence by Hispanics, and even encourage it, but Native language was forced away from the original "American" people that this land was taken from?

I REFUSE to learn to speak Spanish. I understand it, I would guess that I have about a 3^rd grade level of Spanish ability. It pisses me right the fuck off when I go shopping and every product I buy is both in English and Spanish.

Ever seen a box of TIDE in English and Cantonese? How about English and Arabic? English and Hebrew? English and Lakota? English and Apache?...You get my point. We are a diverse cultural melting pot, a country filled with Asians, Jews, Arabs, Etc. Yet none of those cultures insisted or were even encouraged by America to insist on what Hispanics insist upon the people of this country.

I so wanted to say all this to him, but knew I would probably wind up getting arrested and going to jail for "Disorderly conduct," at the very least, and quite possibly, depending on how heated this debate between me and this table of Hispanics got, "Assault and battery" as well as "drunk in public."

Besides the fact that this jerk had insulted me in Spanish thinking he could get away with being so rude because no one except those at his table would understand what was said, He had no right to judge me and insult me so. Oh, I'm sure that by the time we left Shari's at 3:30am I probably looked like a giant drunk mess. I had gone through all the stages of drunk from tipsy to good times feeling no pain, to breaking down and crying all over Misty's person as I let loose my sorrow that had set me in the mood to get rip snorting drunk in the first place. I'm sure my hair was no longer looking good, I probably had make up all over my face from crying, and looked like a mess in general. HOWEVER, unless you are in my shoes, you have no right to judge me. I wonder, if this asshole had realized I was drunk because I was "mourning" the loss of my best friend in the whole world, would he have been so cruel? I bet not.

So, bless Misty's heart, she dropped me off at my front door, made sure I was safely inside before pulling away, and I came in and woke my poor husband who had to get up this morning early to pull a 12 hour shift. I was so drunk, it took me until about 9am this morning before I was sober and finally able to go to sleep.

Today, hung over like a bitch from hell, with only 4 hours sleep under my belt, I am once again reminded that getting wasted is rarely a good idea, and don't think I will be coming anywhere near Tequila or any other type of booze for that matter for probably another year.....UGG!

Misty: I love you. Thanks sugar, I owe ya one!

To all Hispanics: Think twice before speaking your native language in public and think that we "gringos" don't understand you anymore.

To all who are quick to judge and criticize another: Unless you have walked a mile in their moccasins, you should probably keep your mouth shut, and at the least be respectful.

Now excuse me, I've got to go eat, (I'm starving!) and wait for Misty to come pick me up and drive me to dad's house to pick up my truck.

5:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Cross to bear
Current mood: miserable
Category: Romance and Relationships

"I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you......

....I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with every day; and all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all you're tears....."

I owe you an apology.

I owe you an explanation.

Ever since we were kids, we were attached at the hip. We went together like peanut butter and jelly.

We grew up together.

We experienced life together, and then graduation came, and we went our separate ways for reasons of our own. You were going to marry and settle down, I was off to see the big world outside the small town we grew up in.

Twenty years passed, and I looked for you and found you and bade you come visit. I had something I wanted desperately to tell you, and I missed my best friend. You did come up to Medford, you made the 6 hour drive and spent a week with me. During that time, we caught up on the past 20 years and I learned of all the tragedy in your life. In return, I bared my soul and confessed that I had always loved you, not thinking you would take it as hard as you did. I even went so far as to pressure you and seduced you into my bed. Selfishly, not considering all you were already dealing with in your life and the pain and strife you had been dealt that was more than anyone should have to bear. I thought only of myself and just assumed you would feel the same way, or at least take the news better than you did. You can see why ASSUMING is always bad.

When your visit was over, and you left for the 6 hour drive back to Ukiah, as your truck left my apartment, I fell to the floor in tears, not knowing why. I guess my soul somehow knew I would never see you again. I can't remember ever crying so hard and so long. I cried myself to sleep, and the next evening you called and it was as if we had picked up right where we had left off as kids straight out of high school. We were best friends again. I was happy. For about a month, we spoke almost every day, sharing our daily events in life over the phone and then suddenly, out of the blue it seemed, you began being hurtful.

I let you do it. I allowed it.

I made you a Native warrior breastplate and packaged it up with some other things you had asked for and sent them to you. When asked if you liked what I sent, or even if you had gotten my package, you stated flippantly that you had not even opened it, that it was essentially "tossed" in a pile with other belongings of yours. Since you did not know the importance of being made and "gifted" a Native American breastplate, and tho it hurt that you cared so little, I let it go.

The personal jabs kept coming from you, and I allowed it, until you pierced directly into my soul and informed me that you had decided you were going to begin dating ...

Your "NEW" best friend.

(OUCH!)

That one did it. It wasn't that you were dating your "new best friend" that pierced through the very soul of my being, it was your emphasis on the "NEW BEST FRIEND." part.

That was 4 years ago. I have not heard from you since. This leaves me in another situation where I hate to be - assuming things.

Assumption: My confession of loving you and my persistent selfish seduction has seemingly cost me my best friend in the entire world.

You see, what I failed to tell you was: that even tho I loved you with all that I am and that I always had, and I always would until the end of time, that a relationship of that kind would never work between us...Because I would never allow it.

For many reasons.

The most important reason is that I wish you no further pain that you have already had to bear in your life. A non-platonic relationship with me would definitely bring you more pain.

You see, after you seemingly severed our friendship, either by coincidence, or just that I hit the magical age of 40, my health deteriorated quickly. My body began falling apart and betraying me. I am now disabled and can not work.

Also, I have a bleak and in-escapable future of about twenty years of Alzheimer's to look forward to. Right around age 65 or so and lasting into my 90's - or at least that is what the last 3 generations of women have had to go through in my family. I see no reason why I would be fortunate enough to escape that same genetic curse. Therefore, I have from now to about 25 more years to live in daily chronic pain and then I will slowly begin loosing my mind and slipping away under the affect of Alzheimer's. You don't need to deal with that. I love you too much to put you through all that entails. You have been through enough pain and sorrow in your life already.

So you see, no matter how much I love you, You and I will never be more than the best friends we used to be at the very most...and I may have already done too much damage for you to even consider reviving our old and long time friendship.

I have looked all over for you once again. No phone listing, no address, nothing could be found. I even placed an ad in your local newspaper under "lost and found" that stated: "Lost: one best friend from childhood, name: XXXXX If found please have him contact me at XXXXX"

Ironically, in a "it really is a small world" sort of way, out of the entire population of Ukiah, CA, your ex-fiance Linda was the only one to respond to my ad and informed me that you worked right down the street from her, and often came in to her restaurant for lunch. She said she would give you the ad. I never heard from you or her again. I don't even know if she DID give you that ad clipping.

So, seemingly, that didn't work either and so I continue looking. Refusing to give up. It's the stubborn Irish in me I guess.

Why am I so persistent?

Because I owe you an apology, I owe you an explanation.

Because I firmly believe that there is little to nothing that can't be solved or ironed out with good, open and honest communication.

---and I miss my best friend.

I hurt you. I was selfish. I failed to tell you the the other half of my confession of loving you, but would never allow a relationship between us, and you need to know.

You hurt back – you cut to the very soul of me.

We are, I guess, even.

My only hope is that you will someday see this, since I can seem to find you no other way.

Maybe it's too late.

Maybe you feel as if too much time has passed and we are now too different.

Maybe I caused you enough pain with my selfishness that you were willing to write me out of your life forever.

However, without communicating, I am left to assume and wonder.

I married a good man a year after you left. He is good to me, we love each other dearly, and he has known little to no tragedy in his life like you and I have. He knows the bleak future that lies ahead for he and I, but loves me in spite of the dismal future that awaits me/us. He is ever the optimist, and that is his choice. He knows about you. I keep no secrets from my husband. You have always known me to be completely and brutally honest, and I have never deviated from that strong belief in complete honesty and complete openness. I have no secrets.

He knows that I love you, but he also knows that I will never pursue a relationship with you because you don't deserve anymore strife and pain in your life than you have already been harshly dealt. I love you too much to put you through that. He also encourages my search for you, My quest to relocate and re-connect and communicate once more with my best friend.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and hope you are well and happy.

I simply want to apologize, explain myself, and maybe retrieve my best friend. Keep in touch and communication with the ongoings of our lives in our little corners of each of our worlds.

You know, the only time I ever felt completely safe in this world was when we were together in life like peanut butter and jelly. I don't know why, but I thought you should know.

I miss my best friend.

Is it too late?

Has too many years passed between us in your eyes?

Did my selfishness cost me everything?

I can never know unless you tell me, and I hate to assume things.

I need closure.

For now, this is all I have left of you...

Currently listening : The Reason By Hoobastank Release date: 2003-12-09

4:56 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Cougar Confessional
Category: Life

It's that day once again!
Sunday
The day we all CONFESS!

Last confessional was confessing your fears/phobias. I want to thank everyone who had the "balls" to be brave enough to admit to the world the very thing that scares you the most.

This Sunday's confessional is much easier...

It's time to confess you most favorite comfort food!

As always, I will confess first, as I would never ask any of you to do what I would not be willing to myself.

My all time favorite, top of the list comfort food is: My nana's waffles, smothered in butter, peanut butter and maple syrup! There is nothing like it in the world! It brings back great memories of comfort, love, safety, warmth etc. Nanna's Waffles were always so golden brown and fluffy..for years I tried to figure out why her waffles were so perfect and mine were just "so-so." whenever you asked her what her secret was, she would swaer it was just pure bisquick, nothing more.
On nana's passing, I finally discovered the secret to her fluffy waffles: 1/4 tsp of baking soda added to the bisquick recipe.
Now, whenever I'm craving something and don't know what it is (don't  you HATE that when it happens?!?) It always turns out what I'm wanting is one of nana's waffles.
The best comfort food in my whole world.

What is your top of the list comfort food, and why?

1:09 AM - 10 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Quit playing the victim already!
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

Piss and moan is all you do. Constantly complaining about how you got the raw end of the deal, how you have been trampled underfoot and kept down in the mud.

Do you ever hear the Asians bitch about how they were made to work as slaves building railroads and how their lives were nothing? NO

Do you ever hear Hispanics complain that they don't get paid the same as everyone else, and are stuck doing jobs the "rest of us" are too haughty to do? NO

Ever hear Native Americans bitch about how "whitey" done them wrong, how they were forced to cut their hair, were not allowed to speak their own language, use their own names, or even worship the way they pleased?
NO

Ever hear The Irish complain about how they were treated as less than dirt when they entered America?
NO

Is there a "Asian college fund?" nope

Is there a "Hispanic college fund?" nope

Is there a "Irish college fund?" Nope

but there is a "United Negro college fund"

Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I have had it with black people – err excuse me, "African Americans" - pissing and moaning and shouting "RACIST!" every chance they get. Stop playing the victim role already! The rest of the world is sick of it.

Ever notice that people who never played the "race card" are affluent and well off while the rest of you poor pathetic black people are kept in the gutter?
-Obama
-Oprah
-Whoopi Goldberg (I met Whoopi by the way, and she fuckin ROCKS! One of the coolest people I've ever met)
-Bill Cosby
Just to name a few.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson can both kiss my ass.

Jackson fucked up and pulled a "Do as I say, not as I do" recently by talking shit about Obama when he thought his mic was off, and had to apologize for it. Did HE loose his job like Don Imus did over his "off color" (pun intended) comment? No, he didn't.

What has occurred to make Cougar blow her top like this?

A couple things...

First, there is my online acquaintance who is dating a black man, and she informs me that every single time they go out, HE has to bring up race. HE is the one who mentions how blacks are discriminated against and still held down under "whitey's thumb."

Second there is this whole Rev. Jackson thing. BUSTED ASSHOLE! A black civil rights activist talking shit about another black man....tsk tsk!

And finally, now black people are taking aim at the Hispanic culture over a children's book that has a monkey as it's lead character, and the "Mother monkey" looks like she's black and blacks all over the world are up in arms over it.

I am sick and fucking tired of the "Victim/ race card" being played by the black community.

I challenge any black person to come here on my blog and hold a debate over who did "Whitey" do more wrong – Blacks or Native Americans?

As a matter of fact – I'll just nip it in the bud right now and tell you Natives had (and still have) it far worse than your black slave ancestors ever had, and yet we are not bitching and mopping and playing the victim.

Let's see -

Did black people ever have their genitalia cut off?

Were un-armed black men, women, and children ever shot down and massacred by the hundreds and left to die in the snow – never given proper cultural burial rights – and then white soldiers were awarded medals of HONOR for this act?

Have Black people ever been told they could not use their own names, but instead had to take Christian names?

Were black people ever informed that they were not allowed to even speak their own language, sing their own songs, or even worship their creator in the "Land of the free?"

Were Black people ever put on reservations – pieces of land that were so bad that the white man didn't even want to live there – and forced into a way of life they could not sustain? Well, you were forced into slavery, however the one difference between Natives and Blacks is, Natives weren't PART of the slave trade, selling their own kind to whitey.

Let's see, you have been called: "Monkeys" "Niggers" and a few other degrading names BUT so have Native Americans: "Squaw" and "Blanket Ass" just to name a few. So we do have that in common, HOWEVER.....

Ever have a road or lake or mountain named after one of your derogatory names?

I live 5 miles away from "Dead Indian Memorial Road."

"Squaw Lake" is not that far from me either.

(and for those of you who are mis-educated, let me educate you on the word SQUAW. A Squaw was a native woman who was captured by white traders and used as sex slaves and pack mules, yet many still believe that the word "Squaw" simply means female Indian. It is extremely offensive for one to be called a "Squaw.")

I have looked all over this country and have yet to find a "nigger rock" or "dead nigger road."

Let's see – You have the the whole TB incident, where blacks were injected like lab rats and we have the whole "measle blankets" incident so we are even there.

Are any of your cultural dances ever been or are still outlawed today? Our sacred "ghost dance" is still illegal to perform as it is considered an act of war against the United States.

You know what? Let's forget about the Native Americans for a moment...

What about the Jews who were rounded up, tortured, separated from their loved ones, put into concentration camps, medically experimented on, starved to death, used as target practice, or were gassed by the millions.

One never hears the Jews piss and moan today about how their ancestors were treated so horrifically – worse than ANY black ancestors ever were.

Yet here we are, 2008 and African Americans are STILL playing the victim, still pissing and moaning about how their ancestors were treated un-fairly, and how the white man still tries to keep them down.

Let me give you a bit of education to all you "VICTIMS" out there: As long as you remain in the "victim" mentality, then a victim you will remain.

Personally, I am sick and fucking tired of it. You African Americans are the ONLY race that still plays the victim role, and yet there are many races other than yours who have been treated equally as bad or even worse than your race and they don't constantly piss and moan and bitch about how "whitey" is still keeping them down.

Get the fuck over yourselves already, pull yourselves up by the boot straps as every other race has done and make something of yourselves instead of remaining the victims.

No one wants to hear it anymore.

7:31 AM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Cougar’s 4th of July Contribution
Current mood: Patriotic
Category: Patriotic Travel and Places

In honor of the 4^th of July, instead of writing one of many "typical" blogs all about patriotism and the glory and birth of our nation, I have decided to take the more satirical and light-hearted look at this great country of ours. A country built on certain rights, and laws that are meant to protect it's citizens.

These are obscure laws that are still on the books today, and I felt you should be informed as you may be breaking the law unawares.

I shall list these laws alphabetically by state in case you don't feel like reading all of them but are currious or concerned about laws you may be unknowingly breaking in your own state.

Consider this Cougar's contribution to the great people of this wonderful country of ours. Hey, I'm just looking out for my people's welfare and trying to keep my crew out of jail.

AMERICA'S LAUGHABLE LAWS*

*Source: The Balderdash game cards

ALABAMA

In Alabama, it is illegal to throw salt on a railroad track.
(pepper tho is apparently ok)

In Brewton, Alabama, you may not ride down the street in a row boat.
(the law says nothing about riding down the street in a motorized boat however)

In Tuscumbia, Alabama, it is illegal for more than eight rabbits to live on the same city block.
(I wonder how they came to choose the number 8?)

ALASKA

In Alaska, no child may build a snowman that is taller than him or her.
(why the hell not?)

In Fairbanks, Alaska, it is illegal to serve alcoholic beverages to a moose.
("Hey bartender, I'll have a shot of tequilla for myself, and a virgin daiquiri for my moose.")

ARIZONA

In Hayden, Arizona, it is illegal to bother a bunny.
(pffft! You guys in Arizona are no fun!)

In Prescott, Arizona it is against the law to ride a horse up the stairs of the County Court house.
(nothing is stated against walking your horse to the top of the stairs and then riding it down tho!)

ARKANSAS

In the State of Arkansas it is against the law to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.
(umm..what if you have a hair lip or a lisp? - I'm just sayin')

In Arkansas, it is against the law to take a blind-folded bull down the highway.
(Can I take him downtown on 4^th street tho? Hey – It's not a highway!)

In Little Rock Arkansas, it is against the law to blind-fold a cow.
(The people or Arkansas seem to have a thing for blinded cattle.)

CALIFORNIA

(Oh brother! Here we go! A whole BOOK could be written on the crazy laws in CA!)

In California, it is a crime for a trumpet player to use his instrument to lure someone into a store.
(Apparently, any other instrument is ok to use tho.)

In California, it is illegal to stop or detain a homing pigeon.
(why in the hell would you want to anyway? To ask it directions?)

In California, it is illegal to have in your possession more than one Bear Ballgladder.
(umm...I'm actually at a loss of words on this one.)

In California, it is illegal for a bull to be in the company of less than 30 cows.
("911 what's your emergency?" "My damn neighbor has a bull with only 10 cows! He's a criminal! Bring the cops ASAP!")

In Apple Valley, California, it is a criminal offense for a duck to quack after 10pm.
(they must use duct tape to wrap those bad ducks bills with every night at 9pm, then un-tape them in the morning? Just a guess.)

In Baldwin Park, California, it is illegal to ride a bicycle into a swimming pool.
(Apparently a skateboard, tricycle, uni-cycle or motorcycle is ok tho.)

In Burlingame, California, it is illegal to spit in a public place except when it is on a baseball diamond.
(Guys, if your in Cali and hockin' loogies on the sidewalk, that could land you in jail.)

In Half Moon Bay, California, it is a threatening misdemeanor to wear a sweatshirt inside out.
(All I have to say to this one is: WTF????)

In Hollywood, California, it is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Blvd. At one time.
(And they call ME crazy! Humph! Guess me and my 2,001 sheep will have to skip going to see the stars on Hollywood Blvd! We know when we aren't wanted!)

In Lodi, California, it is against the law to play with "Silly String."
(Party poopers!)

In Los Angeles, California, it is illegal to bathe two babies in the same bathtub at the same time.
(Worry thyself not mothers to be – nothing says you cant have a baby SHOWER for the birth of your twins, triplits, or quadruplets! - Nyuck nyuck!)

In Los Angeles, California, it is a crime to cry if you are a witness in a court of law.
(No comment.)

In Los Angeles, California, if it weighs over 1,000 pounds it is illegal to possess a Hippopotamus.
( I say that is hippo discrimination, but what do I know?)

In Long Beach, California, it is illegal for anyone to curse while playing miniature golf.
(Well, shit! That takes half the fun out of mini golf!)

In Pacific Grove, California, it is a crime to dance the tango in one's house unless the drapes are drawn.
(You can dance the naked Lambada all you want tho)

In Palm Springs, California, you may not walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between 4 and 6 pm.
(Who the hell owns a camel in Palm Springs that prompted this law to be created in the first place?)

In San Fransisco, California, it is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
(Fresh out of the package undies are ok tho – just keep your skid marked undies to yourself. Of course, should the cops bust you for this crime, It might be worth the fine and or jail time just to watch the cops have to smell your dirty drawers to make sure they are used and not fresh out of the package!!!)

In San Jose, California, you can not sleep in your neighbor's outhouse, without their express permission.
(ummm...why would you WANT to sleep there?)

In Sausalito, California, during daylight hours, it is a crime to beat a rug.
(but you can beat your meat, the couch, the kids, or anything else – just wait to beat your rug till dark please.)

CHICAGO

In Chicago, it is against the law to fish while sitting on the neck of a giraffe.
(WTF?!?)

D.C.

In Washington, D.C., it is against the law to fish while riding a horse.
(But since your not in Chicago, you can fish while on a giraffe if you'd like to.)

COLORADO

In Devon, Colorado, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
(To be fair and balanced, I think it should also be law that you can't walk forwards in daylight.)

In Waterbury, Colorado, it is illegal for a hairdresser to hum, sing, or whistle while working on a customer.
(All you hairdressers need to save that shit for American Idol try outs for God's sake!)

In Sterling, Colorado, a cat may not run loose with a tail light.
(Who knew cats even had tail lights? And if they do, do they also have headlights?)

CONNECTICUT

In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal for your dog to receive an education.
(I wonder what the punishment is for teaching your dog its ABC's and 123's?)

In Simsbury, Connecticut, it is illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump.
(Isn't that where politicians all belong – The city dump?)

In Connecticut, it's against the law for people to play scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
(Poker and blackjack are perfectly legal however)

DELAWARE

In Delaware, it is illegal for a newlywed husband to go fishing during his honeymoon.
(Nothing states that the wife can't go tho!)

In Delaware, if you have a wooden leg, you are not allowed to pawn it for money.
(If it's made out of titanium tho, it's all good)

FLORIDA

In the state of Florida, it is against the law to buy land that is more than 3 feet under water.
(you can, however, buy a bridge to nowhere if you wish)

In Orlando, Florida, you are forbidden to tie an elephant to a parking meter, unless the meter has been paid for.
(Nothing is mentioned about having to clean up your elephant's dung once you are done and get on your elephant and drive off down the street.)

In Tallahassee, Florida, it is against the law to attach oneself to a moving city bus.
(Apparently tho, you CAN attach your mother-in-law...just not yourself.)

In Florida, it is unlawful to pass wind (FART) in a public place after 6pm on Thursdays.
(The rest of the week, feel free to let er rip! Just make sure you have your bottle of Beano with you on Thursday evenings!)

In Florida, it is against the law to jog with your eyes closed.
(It's just plain stupid to do too. BUT thats what laws are for – to protect you from your own dumbass self.)

In Key West, Florida, no one is allowed to race turtles within the city limits.
(.................blank stare...........)

In Miami, Florida, it is against the law for a man to wear a strapless evening gown.
(Heaven forbid your dress falls down to reveal your wee willy winky! Make sure your dresses have shoulder straps boys!)

GEORGIA

In Atlanta, Georgia, you are forbidden to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
(.................blank stare...........)

In Flowery Branch, Georgia, it is against the law to holler "SNAKE!" within city limits.
(Sheesh! What a bunch of stick in the muds! No fun!)

In the State of Georgia, you are not allowed to slap a man on the back.
(All you manly sports men – the ass slap is still legal)

In Savannah Beach, Georgia, it is agaisnt the law for a sleeping person to snore unless the windows are tightly closed.
(this law actually makes sense)

HAWAII

In Hawaii, it is a crime for policemen to play checkers to pass the time between calls.
(Policemen play "Go Fish" to pass the time instead.)

IDAHO

In Idaho, it is against the law to go trout fishing if you are riding a giraffe.
(what the hell is it about fishing on giraffes??????)

In Idaho, it is a crime to tie an aligator to a fire hydrant.
(Who knew they had aligators in Idaho?!?)

In St. Anthony, Idaho, it is illegal to read "One flew over the cuckoo's nest."
(But there seems to be no law against watching the movie.)

ILLINOIS

In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to take a poodle to the opera.
(Can I take my giraffe?)

In Springfield, Illinois, it is against the law to toss a dwarf inside licenced premises.
(Un-licenced premises are fair game tho – toss your dwarf as far as you can!)

In Joliet, Illinois, it is illegal for any woman to try on more than six dresses in any one store.
(HUMPH!)

INDIANA

In Gary, Indiana, you are forbidden to go to the theater if you have eaten garlic in the last 4 hours.
(but you can still leave your anoying cell phone on, and bring your noisy and restless children.)

In Warsaw, Indiana, it is illegal to watch the movie "The Stepford Wives."
(Nothing stated about not being able to read the book tho)

In French Lick Springs, Indiana, a black cat must always wear a bell around it's neck on Friday the 13th.
(pffft! Silly superstitions!...oops! Did I just step on a crack? Oh shit! I better call mom and make sure her back didn't break!)

In Muncie, Indiana, when entering a cemetary, you are not permitted to bring fishing tackle.
(Fine, if there's a nice lake in that cemetary, I'm gonna fish the native way – nothin says I can't bring a stick of dynamite!)

IOWA

In Iowa, a woman is not allowed to fall asleep under a beauty parlor hair dryer.
(Q: does the hairdresser get to bitch-slap her awake if she does fall asleep?)

In Logan County, Iowa, it is against the law for any man to kiss a woman who is sound asleep.
(Iowa women: take note....If your man has bad breath and you don't want to kiss him till he fixes his hallitosis, this works just as good as "not tonight dear, I have a headache." Just pretend to be sound asleep!)

In the state of Iowa, no establishment may charge anyone to see and hear a one-armed piano player.
(where do they come up with this shit? Come on! One-armed piano players have to pay the rent too ya know!)

In Iowa, you are not allowed to walk in a walk-a-thon.
(If you can't walk in a walk-a-thon, then its not a walk-a-thon, is it? It's a jog or run-a-thon....DUH!)

KANSAS

In Topeka, Kansas, it's a crime to bother a squirrel.
(Leave the fuzzy-butts alone, damnit!)

In Stark, Kansas, it is against the law to imitate a duck by quacking.
(But apparently you can imitate a jackass all you want to!)

In McYouth, Kansas, it is a crime to wash false teeth in a public drinking fountain.
(ewww! Thank God for that little law!)

In Lawrence, Kansas, it is illegal to carry bees in your hat.
(you can carry as many as you want in your underwear if you so desire to.)

KENTUCKY

In Louisville, Kentucky, it is against the law to fish with a bow and arrow.
(That's fine – like I stated earlier, a stick of dynamite works just fine!)

In Lexington, Kentucky, it is a criminal offense to marry the same man more than 3 times.
(Hunny, trust me – an "ex" is an "ex" for a reason!)

LOUISIANA

In Louisiana, it is against the law to walk down the street wearing an alligator costume.
(Besides, Alligator is so "last season!")

In Louisiana, it is against the law to rinse your mouth or gargle in public.
(You will just have to wait to get those crawdad tentacles out of your teeth till you get home.)

MAINE

In Arbor Villiage, Maine, an old law still prohibits a cop from sticking out his/her tongue in the direction of a dog.
(The law states nothing about sticking their tounges out at us humans tho)

In Rumsford, Maine, it is a crime to bite your landlord.
(Don't lick your landlord either – i'm betting that landlord probably tastes like shit.)

In Maine, it is against the law to catch a lobster with your bare hands.
(Again, one of those laws to protect us dumbasses from our own stupidity.)

MARYLAND

In Buds Creek, Maryland, a horse may not Sleep in a bathtub unless the rider sleeps there too.
(What's good for the horse is good for the gander...errr human!)

In Maryland, the state has banned the playing of the song: "Short People" by Randy Newman.
(Guess there must be a lot of uppity over sensitive midgets....err little people in Maryland or somethin.)

In Baltimore, Maryland, it is a crime to hassle an oyster.
(Just how does one go about hassling an oyster anyway? Stick your thumbs in your ears, fingers spread and waving chanting "nanny nanny boo boo!" then stick your tongue out at it?...no, please, someone in MD please tell me, I've just GOT to know how one hassles an oyster!)

MASSACHUSETTS

In Boston, Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatoes in clam chowder.
(Damn skippy! Keep the New England Clam Chowder and the Boston Chowder seperate for god's sake!)

In Boston, Massachusetts,you are not allowed to take part in a frog jumping contest in any nightclub.
(but what the men want to know is: can you play leap frog in the local strip joint?)

In Massachusetts, you're not allowed to keep a mule on the 2^nd story of any residence.
(Any of the other floors will do tho)

In Massachusetts, it is against the law to frighten a pigeon.
(.................blank stare...........)

In Winchester, Massachusetts, it is illegal for a woman to dance on a tightrope, unless she is in church.
(WTF?!? you Massachusetts people are a bunch of wierdos!)

In Plymouth, Massachusetts, you can not own a pig that roams free without a ring in it's nose.
(....and bells on it's toes too?)

In Massachusetts, the law still states that mourners at a funeral may not eat more than 3 sandwiches each.
(Or they will put a ring in your nose and let you roam the streets?)

MICHIGAN

In Detroit, Michigan, in the summer, mail carriers must wear long black socks if they are wearing bermuda shorts.
(Yup – thats a sexy look there by golly!)

In Detroit, Michigan, it is a crime to sell used confetti.
(.................blank stare...........)

MINNESOTA

In St. Paul, Minnesota, it is against the law to hang men and women's underwear on the same clothesline at the same time.
(sexist bastards!)

In Minnesota, women are forbidden from pretending to be Santa Claus.
(sexist bastards!)

In Brainerd, Minnesota, there is a law that still states that all men must wear a beard.
(sexist bastards!)

In International Falls, Minnesota, it is a crime for a cat to chase a dog up a telephone.
(sexist bastards! Why isn't it also illegal for a dog to chase a cat up a phone pole...HUH?!?!)

MISSOURI

In Jefferson City, Missouri, it is a crime to tie a boat to the railroad tracks.
(.................blank stare...........)

In St. Louis, Missouri, it is illegal for a fireman to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown.
(Ladies, please, I beg you! For your own safety PLEASE sleep only in your birthday suit!)

MONTANA

In Montana, it is a crime to keep a fur-bearing animal that you have caught, unless you tattoo your name on it.
("Nope, sorry Madge, can't go today. I've got to take this Badger I caught down to the tattoo parlor and get it a tat that reads "Sue.")

In Garfield County, Montana, it is illegal to draw funny faces on the outside of your window shades.
(however, drawing a lonely Montana rancher with a sheep is seemingly not against the law.)

NEBRASKA

In Waterloo, Nebraska, it is against the law for a barber to eat onions between 7am and 7 pm.
(but please, feel free to breathe garlic breath on your customers all day!)

In Omaha, Nebraska, you are forbidden to burp while attending church services.
(but go ahead and let one of those silent but deadly farts loose – Ya gotta have a little fun while at church!)

NEVADA

In the state of Nevada, you are not allowed to ride a camel on the highway.
(what is it about people taking issue with camels as an alternate method of transportation anyway?)

In Nyala, Nevada, it is illegal to treat more than 3 people to a round of drinks.
(Party poopers!)

NEW HAMPSHIRE

In New Hampshire, if you are in debit from gambling, you are not allowed to sell the clothes off your back to pay off your debit.
(But you can sell the clothes off of someone else's back – If you can get away with it without getting cold cocked first by the clothes owner!)

NEW MEXICO

In Carrizozo, New Mexico, it is still unlawful for a woman to be seen in public with hairy legs.
(that should be the law everywhere, in my opinion! Look out! Here comes Sasquach!!!)

In New Mexico, it is unlawful for a woman to wear a kimono while riding a horse down a public street.
(Can she wear a bikini instead?)

In New Mexico, it is a crime to tear up a marriage licence.
(Nothing says you can't burn it tho.)

NEW YORK

In New York City, it is against the law to display a naked mannequin in a department store window.
(New York must have a lot of perverts or somethin)

In New York State, you're breaking the law if you accept a dead fish in the mail.
(Yo boss – Joey Five Fingers sleeps with the fishes now.)

In Green, New York, it is against the law to eat peanuts while walking backwards down the street.
(New Yorker's are weirdos, me thinks!)

In New York, it is illegal to eat soup with a fork.
(yup – definite weirdos!)

In New York City, it's illegal to suddenly open an umbrella in front of a horse.
(Well, DUH! One does not want to spook a horse in the busy city of N.Y.!)

In Coney Island, New York, it is illegal to sit on newspapers at the bench.
(sorry, you wanna sit you will just have to pretend the pigeon shit aint there...tough it up and sit down!)

In Brooklyn, New York, it is against the law for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub.
(what is it about people trying or wanting their animals to sleep in bathtubs?)

NORTH CAROLINA

In North Carolina, it is against the law to enter into a dance marathon for more than 8 hours.
(So at the end of 8 hours, everyone still on the dance floor is declared the winner then?)

In North Carolina, it is illegal to use an elephant to plow a cotton field.
(Can I use my fishing Giraffe instead?)

OHIO

In Cleaveland, Ohio, you are forbidden to catch mice without a hunting licence.
(WTF?!?)

In McDonald, Ohio, it is still illegal for a farmer to walk a goose down a city street.
(Who knew one could walk a goose? Do they sell goose leashes at the local pet store?)

In Strongville, Ohio, it is against the law to watch the movie "Catch 22."
(hmm..wonder why?)

In Bixley, Ohio, a law specifically prohibits using a slot machine in an outhouse.
(however, the law states nothing about sleeping there without express permission from the owner)

OKLAHOMA

In Oklahoma, it is still illegal to destroy another man's mellons at night.
(Oh there are so many avenues I can take with this one! I think I will leave this one alone.)

In Yukon, Oklahoma, it is against the law for a patient to pull out the tooth of a dentist.
(If your not a patient, but just someone who hates dentists and wants revenge, then is it ok?)

OREGON

In Burns, Oregon, a horse may not enter a tavern unless a cover charge is paid.
(I live in Oregon, and have NEVER seen a single horse in a tavern here. I HAVE, however, seen many a horse's ass - but that's a different story all together!)

In Oregon, it's against the law to use a can of corn as bait for fishing.
(Fresh corn off the cob is ok tho – see, fish don't like cans is what it is. Besides, any idiot knows cans don't work as bait....DUH!)

PENNSYLVANIA

In Swathmore, Pennsylvania, it is a criminal offense to tease a skunk.
(It's down right stupid too – Once again, our great country steps in to protect us dumbasses from ourselves!)

In Pennsylvania, it is against the law to tell fortunes by reading the bumps on a person's head.
(WTF?!?)

In Scranton, Pennsylvania, you are not allowed to hang women's lingerie on a clothesline, unless the yard is fenced in from public view.
(Did you see Miss hayden's red silk baby-doll on the line yesterday? What a hussy!)

In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, a college professor is prohibited from lecturing students while sipping a cabonated beverage.
(The law states nothing about drinking tequilla tho, as long as it's not carbonated, I guess it's all good)

SOUTH CAROLINA

In Charleston, N.C., all horses are required to wear diapers while on city streets.
(who knew they even MADE horse diapers? I didn't did you?)

In Spatanburg, N.C., it is unlawful to eat watermellon in a cemetary.
(there seems to be no law against bringing fishing tackle here tho)

SOUTH DAKOTA

In South Dakota, you are not allowed to fall asleep in a cheese factory.
(You guys do realize that all these laws were created due to a precident setting court case right? Someone sued someone else for falling assleep at the 'cheese wheel' so-to-speak)

In Sioux Falls, S.D, all hotel rooms must have twin beds, with at least two feet of space in between them.
(Pfft! Some idiot actualy thought that making that law would prevent any 'hanky panky' from going on? What a dumbass)

TENNESSEE

In Oneida, Tennessee, it is a crime to sing the song: "It aint gonna rain no mo"
(I don't know that tune could you hum a few bars?)

In Tennessee, on Sundays, it is against the law to sell a teddy bear or a yo-yo.
(WTF?!?)

In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a frog to croak after midnight.
(Does Memphis have a special "frog task force" as part of their police department? And what happens if a frog breaks this law? Frog legs for dinner tonight boys!)

In Knoxville, Tennessee, you are not allowed to use a lasso to catch fish.
(there sem to be a lot of strange laws in the USA about fishing.)

TEXAS

In Texas, it is a crime to go to church while in disguise.
(who would want to in the first place is my question?)

In Texas, it is illegal to put grafitti on another man's cow.
(....blank stare...)

In Denison, Texas, it is still against the law for a woman to adjust her stockings in public.
(ya, but sometimes that shit rides up the crack of...oh nevermind, where's the bathroom please?)

In Skullbone, Texas, it is a crime for a man to have his fly undone.
(no one wants to see your wee willy winky! Pervert!)

In Texas, a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five dollar permit.
(They don't state why one needs the permit. But being a barefoot loving person, I guess I will never go to Texas! I wonder...Talulla do you have a barefoot permit dear? I'd hate to think of you breaking the law.)

UTAH

In Salt Lake City, Utah, a person may not carry an unwrapped ukulele.
(....blank stare...)

In Salt Lake City, Utah, it is against the law to walk down the street with a violin in a paper bag.
(So let me get this straight...Keep your Ukulele to yourself, but your violin exposed? WTF?!?)

In Mohab, Utah, women are forbidden to wear high heels over one and a half inches in height.
(well then they shouldn't be called "high heels" then – they should be properly called "low heels.")

In the state of Utah, it is the law that all birds have the right of way on any highway.
(so should an unfortunate bird fly into the grill of your car, not only do you get to feel like crap about the incident, but you get go go to jail too???)

VERMONT

In Vermont, it is against the law to stick lighted sparklers in your nose and ears and run around on the 4^th of July.
(I'm not even gonna touch this one...nope, just gonna leave it alone)

VIRGINIA

In Richmond, Virginia, it is illegal for restaurant patrons to flip a coin to decide who pays the bill.
(they arm wrestle for it instead.)

In Fredericksburg, Virginia, it is a crime to yell "Extra, extra, read all about it!"
(....blank stare...)

WASHINGTON

In the state of Washington, it is illegal to try and catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.
(A stick of dynamite works better anyway)

In Bellingham, Washington, while dancing, a woman may not take more than three steps backward.
(why?)

In Washington state, a law still says that all motorists must carry an anchor for an emergency brake.
(ROFLMAO!!!!!)

In Seattle, Washington, cats are not allowed to board a city bus if there is already a dog on board.
( for obvious reasons. However, as a 'cat person' I find this law "racist" against cats.)

In Seattle, Washington, if a dog weighs over 25 pounds, it must pay full fare on the bus.
(what is it about washington and animals on busses???)

In Leahy, Washington, you can not blow your nose in public.
(sorry dude, you just gotta let the snot run down your face when at the mall.)

In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal for a woman to sit on any man's lap while riding on a city bus.
(Again with the bus – what is it with you people???)

WEST VIRGINIA

In Peewee West Virginia, it is against the law to let your horse fall asleep at the airport.
(People still ride horses to the airport? Wonder where they carry all their luggage? And do they have long term horse parking?)

In West Virginia, it is unlawful for any clergyman to tell a joke while on the pulpit.
(No Comment)

WISCONSIN

In Wisconsin, all restaurant meals values at over 25 cents must include at least two-thirds of an ounce of cheese.
(mmmm! Liver, onions and cheddar cheese ..)

WYOMING

In Sheridan, Wyoming, it is illegal for a dog to come within 3 feet of a fire hydrant.
(Isn't that a bit like trying to keep a cat from covering it's poop? Impossible!)

In Wyoming, it is illegal to take a photograph of a rabbit during the first 3 months of the year.
(WTF?!?)

THE UNITED STATES

In certain U.S. State parks, it is a crime to give fast food french fries to a squirrel.
(Home-made ones are ok tho)

In the United States, you are in violation of federal law if you take the name of Smokey The Bear in vain.
("Thou Shalt not take the name of Smokey the bear in vain.")

Well, there you have it folks. I have done my patriotic duty and service to my fellow contrymen and women by keeping you informed so that you can remain out of jail while in your own home state or visiting another across this great country of ours.

Have a fantastic 4^th of July! Stay safe, and please don't drink and drive.

Oh ya, and keep those sparklers our of your nose and ears too!

Remember, safety first!

10:08 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Cougar Confessional
Current mood: curious
Category: Life

I've decided that on Sundays - the days that most people go to confess their "sins"
I am going to hold a "Cougar Confessional Sunday."

Todays confessions will be:

What are you afraid of?
What scares the living daylights out of you?
What phobias do you have?

Come on, be brave and fess up!

Of course, I would never ask any of you to do something that I am not willing to do myself, so here is my confession:

I am terrified of Clowns and dentists....A dentist dressed as a clown would send me straight to the funny farm in a straight jacket!

I am also afraid of becoming completely blind.
I would rather be deaf than blind. If given the choice. As a deaf person, I would not be 100% dependant on another - as a 100% blind person, I would.

Now you know what I'm afraid of....

It's your turn. Be brave..you can do it!

CONFESS  ALL YOUR FEARS TO COUGAR SONG!!!!

Note to all those thinking to be assholes.....
If I find any pictures or talk about someone's fear confessed here, I will delete your comment or pic completely. IE: if I find a clown picture, It's gone from this blog, and so are you!

3:42 PM - 22 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Cougar Thoughts on life and death
Current mood: curious
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Cougar Thoughts on life and death

The ever ominous "they" (one of these days I'm going to figure out who this ever mysterious and elusive but very powerful 'They' are!) say that "Life is precious."

Is it? What do "they" have to compare it too or measure it by?

Death is the opposite of life, and like not being able to measure good without knowing it's opposite – bad, well, how can one claim that life is precious if they don't know what death is like? Death is the last great mystery. Death is the one thing (ok maybe taxes too) that each and everyone must face eventually. There is no escaping it, and yet many are afraid to die. However, when you back them into a intellectual corner, they usually confess that it's not death they actually fear, its the pain that one may experience before death that scares them. Everyone wishes to die peacefully and painlessly in their sleep. (unless your Muslim, then you want to die as a martyr, and well, that usually involves a lot of various kinds of painful deaths.)

Different Social groups have differing beliefs in what happens when someone dies.

The Christians believe that if you are "saved" by the blood of Christ, then when you die, you go to heaven to spend eternity with Jesus and it's a joyous happy ever after place.

The Muslims believe that when you die as a martyr, you go to paradise where 7 (or is it 12? I can never remember) virgins await you, eager to fulfill your every wish.

Native Americans believe that when you die, you go join the ancestors and the Creator.

Many of the Pagan traditions believe when you die, you shed your physical shell and become pure energy for a period of time then re-incarnate to learn and experience more things on the physical plane.

Many Eastern beliefs claim that this physical life is mere illusion and constantly practice perfecting a state of "nothingness."

The list goes on and on.

On the other side of the coin, Science says that everything is energy and energy never 'dies' it just changes form. I happen to agree with this view as it has been proven as fact, and one can't argue with facts.

Atheists, who follow science, believe when you die thats it - you blip into nothingness and decompose....You simply become worm food and cease to exist. Even that belief, some would argue would be a welcome relief from the pain and sufferings of living.

Hmmm. From where I'm standing, armed with all these beliefs on death, seems to me that death is better than life. Many people, like me will tell you that their life has certainly not been precious. Oh sure, maybe a few moments of life have been precious moments, but the majority of their lives are filled with pain, sorrow, abuse, poverty, neglect, etc, etc.

I wonder – does a quadriplegic think that his/her life is precious?

Does someone who has suffered great tragedy like rape, war, a debilitating illness or accident feel that life is precious?

Having a shit ton of money does not make life precious. Those with great gobs of cash often confess that they have issues and problems, like the rest of us poor schmucks, and that money does not buy happiness...Is their life precious?

Everything seems to point to the fact that life is indeed NOT precious, and yet all of us un-precious living people have a built in system to keep us alive called the "Fight or Flight response." Our brains are programed to do whatever it takes to survive and remain alive.

Interesting.

So using that little tid bit of information, I deduce that we can not die before it's our "time to die."

Well, ok not 100% accurate – you CAN commit suicide if you really want to, but it seems that normally, one "passes away" on some sort of divine time schedule.

That completely voids comments like:

"He died too soon."

"She was too young to die."

Because it appears, from my observation at least, that we each go when we are supposed to go and not before.

Example: how many times have you heard that someone survived something that should have killed them and that they were "lucky to survive?"

Were they?

If so, then that brings us full circle back to the thought that "Life is precious."

Is it?

What makes life so precious?

(