The way to a man's heart is through his sternum...
Current mood: drained

Male Language Patterns

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and
thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and really good looking naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Currently listening : Hot Action Cop By Hot Action Cop Release date: 04 March, 2003

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words that women say....
Current mood: dorky

Ok, in the interest of equal time, I'm putting this in here.

For any guy that may be reading this, here are the meanings to some keywords that some (NOT all) women may say.

Keywords and their meanings:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only say "Nothing."


I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Currently listening : Fever for the Flava By Hot Action Cop Release date: 17 June, 2003

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Subject: Cats and Dogs
Current mood: ditzy

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Currently listening : Life in Cartoon Motion By Mika Release date: 27 March, 2007

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Things to Do at Wal-mart . . .
Current mood: distressed

Things to Do at Wal-mart While Your Spouse or Significant Other Is Taking His/Her Sweet Time:



1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares" and see what happens.

5. Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a "CAUTION WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME, PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the intercom, assume the fetal position and scream 'NO, NO, It's those voices again!!!"


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly..."Hey we're out of toilet paper!!!"

Currently listening : Faster Kill Pussycat By Paul Oakenfold Release date: 29 May, 2006

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10 Ways To Know If You Have "Estrogen Issues"
Current mood: discontent

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: How's my driving-call 1-800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Currently listening : My Rifle, My Pony and Me (Western Movies Songs) By Frankie Laine Release date: 28 June, 1994

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TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
Current mood: disappointed

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Currently listening : Genuine By Stacie Orrico Release date: 29 August, 2000

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How to Talk about Men and Be Politically Correct
Current mood: dirty

1. He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

3. He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

4. He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

5. He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

6. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

7. He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

8. He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

9. He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

10. He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

11. He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

12. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

13. He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

14. He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Currently listening : The Joker By Fatboy Slim Release date: 05 April, 2005

11:32 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I want to go back to the time when......
Current mood: devious

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

Nobody was prettier than Mom

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Taking drugs meant fruit flavored aspirin.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors

Currently listening : Fat Boy Slim : Live on Brighton Beach By Fat Boy Slim

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Things learned from children:
Current mood: determined

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.





A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can, and will ignite.

A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 X 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes for six year olds.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Currently listening : Maximum Nickleback By Nickelback Release date: 30 November, 2004

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I DIDN'T KNOW THAT..........
Current mood: depressed

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ...even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch Berries" will cause your stools to come out green.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day,

About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME. They enter while you sleep! (((This rates a good 10 on the ewwww-yuck scale and right up there with the fact that many of us have eaten a spider in our sleep tooooo EEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!)))

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. ( near clear)

Currently listening : Back to Basics By Christina Aguilera Release date: 15 August, 2006

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