Priceless!
Current mood: drunk
Category: Romance and Relationships

Taking off early from work: 70 Dollars

Haircut: 15 Dollars

DVD set of TV show she wanted to watch: 50 Dollars

Bandage to cover second degree burn, because she has a low gore threshold: 75 cent

Takeout dinner for two: 30 Dollars

Getting a kiss on the cheek, and realizing that I'm fucking retarded: Priceless!

Addendum - Bar tab as a result of sulking: 35 Dollars

I am so fucking retarded. Why did I get my hopes up? Why did I even think that things would go back to the way they were before? Why do I let myself be used in this way?

Ok, so I admit it, I'm lonely. Being single for three months hasn't been exactly conducive to rational thought.  I'm stupid for jumping at a chance to be with my ex, for at the very least one night.

The thing is that I just wanted to get back to that feeling of being wanted and valued and needed. She's just so beautiful and I'm just so weak.

Being with her made me reevaluate my life, my goals and who I wanted to be.  She's the one who made me want to be a better person. She's the reason why I realized that I missed teaching. She is the reason why I am now in graduate school.

Well she's not the sole reason, but she was the reason why I started thinking about such things.

I don't know what the hell to think right now. I'm not even really that upset. I hardly even care anymore. It's just that I feel so stupid. I shouldn't have thought that things would be, well the way I thought they would be. I should have realized that we've both moved on (her more than me).

I just wish things were more simple. I wish it wasn't this hard. I wish I could just start that part of my life and get to that nice middle period. It's just that I suck at the beginning, and I suck equally so at the end.

What I wouldn't give for a nice, long, stable middle.

10:57 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Rushing off the edge...
Current mood: restless
Category: Romance and Relationships

My life is so fucking weird.  Random shit keeps happening, and those random incidents, weirdly, keep leading back to the same things. Science, probability, mathematics, and shear logic defy me when I try to make sense of these events.
 

How can one random text message lead to a conversation that in turn leads back to an opportunity?  What are the fucking odds that I'd text someone at the exact same time that they'd need to talk to someone who cares? What are the odds that I'd still care, considering my inability to care or feel empathy?  Why do I jump at the chance to renew a relationship that I know will never work out? Why do I hope when I'm a pessimist?

Is it her beauty? Is it lust? Is it love? Is it fate?

Or is it me rushing off a cliff one more time just to see if I can defy gravity?

Damnit, I'm fucking the southern intellectual equivalent of Wile E. Coyote.  Just paint a railroad track leading into a canyon wall and I'll run in head first.

Maybe I do it just to feel the hurt. Maybe I've gone so long without feeling anything that I'll bash my head into a solid wall of rock just so that I know that I'm still able to feel anything at all. Maybe I've watched one to many romantic movies that I feel that if I make this one final sacrifice, that if I try, that if I make myself vulnerable just this one last time then that it will be enough.

Man I am so fucked up.

So what is it about her? Why am I doing this? Why can't I just let it go?

She is my exact opposite. She is optimistic. She is invariably happy. She seeks adventure. She sees the good in everything. She will try something just for the sake of trying.

She is the radiating beauty that shines from the heavens. She is the reason why flowers bloom. She is the reason why the sun shines. She is a goddess in the sky and the stars dim in comparison.

Being around her makes me a better person. She makes me hope. She makes me try. She makes me feel.

She is the reason why I believe.

She is the reason why I run off the cliff.

7:19 AM - 9 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment