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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
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...Days Take Me: chapter 2
(cont’d self-indulgent ramblings... What else are blogs for? Why pay a therapist when you can tell your innermost thoughts to dozens of friends and hundreds of strangers?)
Later that day: Ich bin ein Berliner? Berlin feels like home. Those once strange, crude hunnish faces now welcome me. Kreuzberg... the east East Village... Klaus Gruvi is a rock-star. ...hanging out with Klaus’ mom... ...drinking at the Fat Corner... Unisom, mein liebschen. I wake in Regensburg. I remember the Kneitinger bier garten is next door; but it’s too cold to drink outside. ...new pain in my leg; the left one, this time. Bavarian girls really know how to bite. She probably never tasted sweet judefleisch before. ...sleeping pills... Wiesbaden... Ow! what’s wrong with my right foot... pain goes away after pain-killer breakfast. The other band is from California... very easy to get along with. ...sleeping pills... Stuttgart... Ow! Can’t walk on my right foot... I do anyway. ...pain-killer breakfast doesn’t help. ...5 hours at the hospital... X-rays, blood tests, sonogram, frau doktor touching my junk... I guess that wasn’t so bad; it’s been a few days. ...no answers... mystery illnes baffles America’s and Germany’s finest unpaid doctors... Why can’t I just have an STD like normal band-jerk. They tell me: "You shouldn’t be in too much pain as long as you don’t have to take any plane trips" Plane trips?!? Me? No! Only SIX in the next FOUR days!?! 2 to get to Lisbon, 1 to Barcelona, 1 to Berlin, and 2 more to get back to New York. Funny, I don’t remember seeing "Hell" on the itinerary for this tour. ..."Fuck the cab-call a hearse-enjoy tonight-tomorrow will be much worse" ...show goes well, anyway. "One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain" ...Shit! Maybe I have foot cancer like Bob Marley(?) ...no sleep... straight to the airport... Our connecting flight from Mallorca to Lisbon is delayed. Yay! I get to spend more time in an airport. ...Lisbon at last... T-shirt weather. The hotel is near the beach. ...have time to sleep but can’t... Me and Pinezo walk to land’s end. ...out there is America. ...racing through tiny back streets to get to the gig... barely any sleep... early flight... Our driver doesn’t show. ...cabs to the airport... Barcelona ...very depressing... seeing loved ones reuniting at the arrivals gate... something I don’t have in my life anymore. That’s OK; it’s been replaced by excruciating pain in my limbs and an inability to sleep. ...Yeah, that’s a fare trade... I have 4 hours at the hotel to try to sleep ...I manage maybe 1 ...maybe. ...10pm... to the venue. ...Great gig... Great way to end a tour ...lots of friends... Mutti, Jordie, Ossie, Doreen, those guys from California, Portugese Alex, Buck, Hawaiin guys, Neza, Max and ...wait a minute... It can’t be... a lonely girl from Dresden that made my first night away so pleasant and innocent. I have been thinking about her all tour. What is she doing here? Maybe life does make sense. Maybe things do happen for a reason. Later we are together... For the first time in years there is the thrill of new passion. For the first time since I’m single, I’m not going through the motions. I’m not thinking about my ex or trying really hard not to. I think only of her. We are the only two people in the world. ...exploring each other... What does she like? What will I feel with her I’ve never felt before. This is so easy. It feels so right. There is no pain my body. ...no pain in my heart ...at least for a time. I’m writing this on a flight from Paris to New York. I dread going back to my apartment ...my apartment, not my home. I wonder what awaits me when I step off this plane. The pain in my body seems a little less today. Maybe I’m just getting used to it. The pain in my heart seems a little less too. Maybe I’m just getting used to that also...
P.S. I woke this morning at 5:30 ...disoriented. I’m in a Swedish hotel room or something. The layout seems familiar but the furniture seems different ...foreign. Then I see my ex’s cat on the edge of the bed. ...I’m in my bedroom. This isn’t home anymore. I know now I don’t belong here. I belong to the road again...
12:49 AM
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Monday, March 10, 2008
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Where the days take me...
I've been keeping Unisom in business these days... Knowing IS a two-edged a sword... It makes letting go much easier. Unable to sleep lying next to her, but slept through the whole flight. Good morning Berlin... Good seeing Klaus Grüvi at the airport... Reingold's driving... Good, I need as many friendly faces as possible. First night... Dresden. She made the night easier. Maybe things are getting better?... I wake in Prague... need new strings. Johann Sebastian understands... Drinking with a stewardess on the other side of the river. Europeans who listen to hip-hop don't get how it's not OK for white people to call black people niggers; even in the "good" way!?! Go to Ljubjana, man! Slovenia's just as I remember it. Slav's can see right into your soul... even if you're not sure you have one any more. ...Bach again... Holding court by the bus... Girls competeing for MY attention is nice change... We end up at the hotel room... Reingold's sleeping there, but he doesn't seem to mind... I do. 6am... I wake in her bed. "What am I doing this for?-I don't feel nothin' anymore-I don't know where I belong-and everything I do feels wrong." What time's bus-call, anyway? ...Vic's asleep in the front lounge... I sleep again ...forgot to take sleeping pills... maybe I've turned a corner... not likely. I wake again in a small alpine town. I've been here before... I had to mail something from the post office once. Nobody to mail stuff home to anymore. ...more Bach. I need pills to sleep. I wake in Vienna. ...laundry... ...Bach! I'm really starting to get Minuet 2. I haven't smoked weed in 5 weeks. ...Unisom replaced it... I wake in Munich. I've never been to this part of town before. ...walking endlessly... ...wind up at the subway... ...get on... ...wind up downtown. I find my way back. We've played 6 shows; I need to change my strings. ...Girls in the front lounge... What do they say? ..."Ficken, bumsen, blasen..." ...something about the grass and the mud... Cologne... ...walking for miles... ...wind up downtown. ...train strike... ...promoter is nervous... ...good crowd anyway. Band is moody anyway ...Friendly faces from Sittard. I walk downtown again to get tired enough to sleep. Who am I kidding? ...sleeping pills are my new girlfriend. I wake again. ...Dirty Hamburg... ...Dirty American. "A child never born-Her parents yet to mourn-A life she never had-She never knew her Dad.-My Mom don't sound the same-She don't even recall my name-She can hardly speak-She'll be dead in a week" The 4th of July will never be the same. Copenhagen... ...walking again... Blisters on my feet... ...lyrics in my head. I wish I could sing. ...Surgery at the dinner table... I wake at the airport. ...fly to Helsinki. At least it's winter somewhere in Europe. ...drinking whiskey all evening and still not getting drunk... Stage-diving to ska!?! What am I whining for? She has "double depression"!?! I convince a Fin to propose to his girlfriend. ...She says YES. Why is it so hard for me? I know why... Because everything else has been so easy. ...Sleep... ...fly back to Berlin... ...Drinking in Jail... ...Unisom again... I'm still in Berlin now. I don't want to go out. I'm afraid of what I'll do... ...afraid of what I won't do...
5:28 AM
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Monday, April 09, 2007
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SORRY ABOUT THE PORNO ADS...
Friends-
Sorry about the porno ads you've been getting. My account was hacked into. The problem should be fixed now.
Thanks to everyone who let me know...
...I guess the rest of you just assumed I'm the kind of perv that would send that stuff?!?...-J
9:30 AM
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Monday, February 19, 2007
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