oncoming traffic > dying rat > recycle bin > curb
Current mood: indescribable
in that order.
i was biking home today and was in an exceptionally narrow bike lane. i'm going about 20 mph and am about 15 yards from the scene when i observe the following: to my immediate left (approximately 8 inches from my elbow) is oncoming traffic going 35-50 mph. to my immediate right, a curb (approximately 8 inches in height). in the bike lane, but slightly offset to the right - a large recycle bin. also in the bike lane, but slightly offset to the left - a bleeding rat that's dying (presumably just hit by a car minutes prior to my arrival). the objects in the lane are arranged in such a way that they accomodate one another almost too perfectly - close enough to each other that the rat is essentially spooning the bin so i can't effectively ride between them. but also being sure not to leave enough room so that i may ride around them and still stay within the "safe zone." so my options:
(1) swerve a sharp left and get hit by an oncoming church van. i'm not wearing a helmet. (2) drift slightly to the left and plow through the dying rat, realizing that this will most likely result in blood, guts, and wirey hair being sprayed all over my bike and body (3) drift slightly to the right and run head on into a recyle bin, presumably full of bricks and sharps (4) swerve a sharp right and bank into the curb, which on my skinny-tired machine, would automatically result in me flying off. again, not wearing a helmet. (5) stopping short, which would most likely mean flipping over my handle bars given my distance from the scene and ETA (velocity, chlidren). helmet.
i guess a 6th option would have been to pop a wheelie and soar over the rat, but everytime i've tried that it usually just ends in me almost ripping my handle bars off and straining my neck, so i didn't consider that one.
what would a rational person (ie you) have done?
the resolution: if you're reading this you probably know me well enough to know that i'm relatively squemish about all things rodent and bloody. but that option seemed to be the only one that didn't end in death (mine. that rat's death is inevitable). i decide that in order to dull/distract from the awareness of what i was about to endure, i would over dramatize the situation. i scream as loud as humanly possible, flail my legs wildly while lifting them as high as possible so as avoid having dead rat splatter on my pants, hold my breath, and squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as possible. it helped - had it not been for the bump and the curdled, blood hair on my tire, i wouldn't have known anything was unusual.
a rite of passage. from what and into what is beyond my comprehension, but i know that, if nothing else, it must be just.
"People move because of the wear and tear of anxiety. Because of the gnawing feeling that no matter how hard they work their efforts will yield nothing, that what they build up in one year will be torn down in one day by others. Because of the impression that the future is blocked up, that they might do all right but not their children. Because of the feeling that nothing will change, that happiness and prosperity are possible only somewhere else."
before he cheats
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Automotive
the princess of country pop, carrie underwood, has done it again. another solid gold hit (in my humble opinion).
everytime mom and i take a road trip, we have a theme song. summer '98 on the road to destin, "too close" by next ["i feel a little poke coming through on you"...yikes!]. summer 2002 in southern california, sheryl crow's "soak up the sun." and the beat goes on...
so a couple of weeks ago when mom and i were driving through kansas (thanks for the sympathy), a few songs popped on the radio and, reluctantly, we were like "should this be our song?" we would both hesitate b/c we knew we hadn't found it. finally about 40 miles outside of the denver area we hear "irreplaceable" by beyonce. now, realizing that we're both strong black women who strongly love ourselves, this seemed like an obvious choice...and it was, so we agreed and went with it. unfortunately, though, we realized that this was an erroneous decision because in the beginning of the song beyonce sings "to the left, to the left..." we followed her direction, missed our RIGHT exit, and ended up in fort collins. fuck you, beyonce. so we were right back where we started - no theme song...and almost home.
WELL...on the final leg of our journey, as i was taking mom to the denver int'l airport, carrie underwood's "before he cheats" came on. now, mom is divorced and i don't have a particular boy in my life, so the thought of someone cheating on either of us is a non-issue. there was no connection on either of our parts, but we immediately fell in love with the gripping lyrics, the sweet melody, and white folk beat. and hence...the 2007 leonard-pugh transmidwestamerica theme song.
somewhere in the bible (and i'm sure some other holy works), The Authority tells us that each of us have been endowed with uniquegifts/talents. we're expected to use those gifts to serve others and Him. moreso than any other concept in the bible (well, maybe not homosexuality), this one has baffled me. there are 6ish billion people in the world (clearly not all god-fearing ones, but that's neither here nor there). i've always thought to myself, "there are way too many people in the world for us to all have a unique, different, non-overlapping gift. mainly because i didn't know mine. but recently that problem's been resolved. worldly and divine order have been restored...
my gift? mixing inedible, potentially toxic/fatal if ingested or inhaled products with various foods...eating the concoction...and not dying
here are a few examples of my tasty, death-defying creations:
-febreze AND pineapples -vanilla mint listerine AND pad thai -eyeliner AND cornbread -bath robe fuzz AND tandoori chicken -wood from my dog's hair brush handle AND fish tacos -ink AND jalapeno macaroni -nail polish AND rigatoni D (chicken marsala)
my favorite was the listerine/pad thai combination. you know when you brush your teeth then eat or drink something immediately afterwards and it tastes like the essence of ass (hi zoe!)? well this is nothing like that. i think instead of using tabasco sauce anymore i'm gonna start carrying a mini-bottle of vanilla mint mouthwash around in my purse. if worse comes to worse and i'm having a bad day at work i could just forego the food, chug it, and spend the rest of my office time in bliss.
some of these were accidents, some were by design. please don't attempt to guess which are which. i will be insulted and you will be regretting it. don't you wish you knew what they all tasted like. and don't you wish you'd thought of it first. race you to the patent stand.
i'm not sure how i'll use this to glorify God and serve man, but my awareness is half the battle. and i think this will make jesus happy.
p.s. a couple of these combinations have made me vomit. this is what the vomit would look like if it were a little black girl (fast foward to 4:23):
Currently
listening
:
Ys
By
Joanna Newsom
Release date: 14 November, 2006
for my close friends who are hearing this for the first time, i apologize for not having told you in a more personal fashion...but things have been pretty hectic over the past couple of weeks because...
I'M MOVING TO COLORADO!!!!
on january 28, fergi and i will pound out the 1,176 miles of highway to boulder, co. i've been thinking about leaving nashville for quite some time, so this should come as no surprise. but i went to boulder a couple of weeks ago just to visit a friend and ended up falling in love with the town so much so that i've decided to make it my home (indefinitely). here are just a few reasons:
-the progressive folks -the hiking/cycling/polar dipping/skiing options (yes, i'm a wanksta of a skiier, but i have a sherpa and sensei who are willing to teach) -the culture (while there are no brown people, there's plenty of sociocultural diversity) -the university scene (i'm gonna pursue my anthropology mba while there) -hidden valley - for those of you who know me, you know i love salad. when ryan and i were driving to vail, there was a hidden valley exit. i don't know if it's a town or a ski area, but the fact that there's a place near boulder that has salad connotations makes me roar. -amante (look it up, playas) -the threat of mountain lions...they kinda look like furry dinosaurs and make me chuckle heartily -i was happy there...moreso than i've been since i've been back in nashville -the coors light creek -cascading canyons -they play steely dan in the pubs -that mexican family eating pizza hut in starbucks -the small, quaint towns surrounding boulder. we went to one that was so tiny they actually had a town photo, in which every living member was pictured. it was larger than my extended family and so lovely. -the lack of consistent cell phone reception. i'm obnoxiously attached to my phone here, mainly because i ALWAYS have 5 bars. but when i was visiting, i hardly had any reception (and my battery was always dead). i was detached from it completely and that was unbelievably refreshing. i was able to just enjoy uninterrupted existence and take everything in -the sweet potato burritos -i found the toy of my dreams: the PR600-2 embroidery machine -and of course...
i'll absolutely miss my nashville comrades dearly, but just think of this move as an opportunity for you to visit a friend in an awesome(er) location.
my friends lee and darrell are throwing me a farewell bash on 1/20, so if i haven't already contacted you about it and you'd like to wish us well before we depart, drop me a line and i'll forward you the evite.
much love, lovelies...
Currently
listening
:
Sin-A-Matic
By
Louis Logic
Release date: 15 July, 2003
vomit dollar
Current mood: experiencing the shit dollar effect
Category: experiencing the shit dollar effect Religion and Philosophy
i haven't particularly been too busy to blog over the past months since my last e-splash of word heaven...i've just been living a pretty mundane life that would be boring to read about in a blog. but something happened just recently to me that i thought not only deserved to be shared; but it's so perplexing that i need unbiased feedback as to what my solution should be. please respond accordingly below.
here's the dilemma:
i had a $20 bill in my pocket and over the course of my weekend wardrobe changes i dropped it on the floor. recently i've been particularly lazy, so instead of picking it up immediately, i said "i'll get back to it." well of course i forgot about it as i rushed out of my apartment, only to remember it when i got to the bar and didn't have any cash on me for the kirin light.
naturally when i return home i go to my living room to retrieve the $20 bill and it's nowhere to be found. mysterious, i know, but what can you do? here's where the breakdown occurs...
ASIDE: for those of you who don't know (which should be none of you if you're actually reading this far into my blog), i have a small pomeranian/chihuahua pup named fergi. fergi eats anything and everything in life...including her own toenails and asshole hair.
well right about the time i realize the $20 bill is gone, i hear fergi doing something which sounds like dry heaving. i run into my bathroom only to find that fergi is in the process of vomiting up my $20 bill. miraculously, she's vomiting it up in ONE WHOLE PIECE. the problem, though, is that it's surrounded by vomit, saliva, toenails and asshole hair. but still...in one piece.
so now we get to the dilemma...do i take approach #1, which is to be the grown and sexy lady that i am and clean up and throw away the mess (including the $20 bill) or do i take approach #2, which is to be the equally frugal and non-wasteful citizen that i am and clean ---> spend the dollar?
i guess the hardest part about making this decision is that it's a freaking $20 bill...which, to me, falls smack dab in the center of my threshold of "value." if it were a $10 bill, i'd say to hell with it and throw the whole vomit-saliva-toenail-asshole hair-$10 pile away. likewise, if it were a $50 bill i'd probably clean it off with my bare hands and run to midtown liquors to buy a split bottle of dom perignon. but the fact that it's $20 - no more, no less - leaves me in this predicament.
as another aside, something similar happened to me my sophomore year in college. i was walking into my dorm and spotted a $5 bill on the ground. when i went to pick it up, i noticed that it was covered in brown gooey stuff. i figured it was mud - it had just rained/snowed so it was probably - so i picked it up, but once i had it in my hand the scent quickly let me know that it wasn't mud, but indeed, shit.
as an aside to my aside, that year at my college we'd had a campus-wide community respect forum (facilitated by bates' president hansen) about human defacation and tampon discardment in public areas. i tell you that not to sicken you, but to make you realize that this shit dollar that i was holding was probably covered in the shit not of a dog, but probably of a drunk freshman that couldn't or refused to control his/her bowels. inevitably, being the poor sophomore that i was, i quickly brushed the dollar off with a leaf and spent it on and egg salad sandwich and curly fries in the den.
back to the resolution...if any of you have any insight as to what i would do (not what YOU would do, because i know how stuck-up/sick some of you are) if you were in MY shoes...holler at a player. holler holler.
Currently
listening
:
We Died They Remixed
By
Architecture in Helsinki
Release date: 02 November, 2006
the casts of Days of Our Lives and Passions were hanging out at a neighborhood bar friday night..."Lucas" from Days even touched my elbow (omg, xoxoxo!!!!!!!). it kinda made me wish i'd used lotion that day...oops. apparently they were in town hosting the country music festival. i've never understood the connection between hicks and daytime soaps, but apparently it resembles bill o'reilly/al sharpton's relationship.
i'm headed to bonnaroo on thursday. i went last year and the one thing i learned is that 95% of the festival is made up of the following things: heat + music + intoxicants + people + walking. they're all annoyingly interconnected in such a way that if you get too much (or occasionally too little) of any of them, it can make for a pretty numbing experience. but maintaining a delicate balance is difficult and requires a lot of work. if it's too hot you don't want to walk the 17 miles from the campground to the stages, so you miss a lot of music. so you end up sticking around the campground more than expected, consuming more beer, and successfully avoiding large-scale human interaction.
the other 5% of misc items that make up the remainder of the festival (chapstick, grass, etc.) are definitely important, but they don't have the ability to significantly alter the funk.
famous people walking down my street
Current mood: bouncy
it's becoming a pattern, so i've decided to compile a list of "famous" people i've spotted walking down the street i live on. i'll update per new spottings...
in chronological and, subsequently, anticlimactic order:
-jack white (3.14.06) -harold ford, jr. (4.10.06) -shooter jennings (4.13.06)
It's Hard Out Here for a Mortal
Current mood: grateful
i never thought that i was immortal, but thoughts of my own death had never really occurred to me - until just recently. over the past few days i've been confronted with various [ominous] situations that have made me realize that i will probably die soon*...
1. i had a dream on saturday that i hooked up with a man with gorgeous hair then woke up the next morning in his bed to realize that his hair was actually just a bad weave and he was on an I.V. drip because he had AIDS. he gave me a gun with which to shoot myself because he thought it was a more honorable way to go than dying from the disease.
2. i participated in nashville's emergency preparedness disaster drill on friday and i was supposed to be a young woman who'd just been in a train accident and was admitted to the ER because she'd lost her sight, but during my ER visit, my "character" died and i was forced to portray a corpse for the remainder of the hour:
3. a beetle got stuck in the window in my apartment near my bed, but i couldn't lift the screen to free it so i was forced to spray it til its death. i didn't have the energy/courage to throw it away so i left it, only to find that in the morning it was still clinging onto the screen, fighting death. i watched it suffer and for some reason i sympathized with it, wishing i hadn't poisoned it. i hate bugs and had never sympathized with one. but then i realized that it looked like me.
indescribable
accomplished
anxious
bouncy
grateful
