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Buddha Boozing...
Current mood: rainsoaked
Wisdom spilled by a barstool Buddha
Or 100 ways to fail a sobriety test.
drunk ramblings Collected by -natawn
1. Schizophrenic Clothing.
2. We petted Burroughs's cats, If I eat him I will have his powers.
3. When I woke up in the morning, what is the last thing I didn't want to do?
Surgery. Now, look at me.
4. You've got to try different positions that's what makes it all worth it.
5. Silly biped, I don't play those games. Your stick isn't worth my slobber.
6. My feet are frostbitten and my face is sweating cats and dogs.
7. A lollipop with a broken neck. How sad.
8. They tried the airborne before, in World War 1, but, they forgot the parachutes.
They found out that skinny 18 year olds only kill small children.
9. Beethoven. He's a gateway composer.
10. I want you to lick peanut butter off my testicles. Oh wait, did I say that out loud?
11. Sorry, I was thinking about my penis. I thought you said, "Can I see it?" It threw me off.
12. I could break bricks with this guy's stupidity.
13. Oh great. Another fucking sun.
14. You know what? I need to learn voodoo and acupuncture. So that I can heal you without ever leaving the house.
15. That's what they call the haircut effect. You get your haircut in LA and in Brazil the weather changes
16. "I thought you were more Odin than Thor?"
(LotV) Yeah, but I don't have two crows to go and kill for me, that takes a lot of training. Does it look like I have the time?
17. "You are close."
(LotV) No, I'm correct. I have a lot of free time.
18. A Kukari (a Nepalese knife) is war crime in the right hands.
19. Enlightenment. $19.95. Batteries not included.
20. You don't have to have content when you've got guns.
21. New Wave Hookers 4 is a loose interpretation of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. (uttered a full year before the movie)
22. That's how geeks procreate. Through email.
23. We have needles and corn syrup if you're really serious about that sugar high.
24. I expect more from the yo-yo, than the yo-yo expects of me.
25. We could make you a sourdough suit, right now.
26. I'm going to go into the voting booth and blow my head off with a shotgun.
"This is who I vote for!" *Bakaboom*
At least then you would know where I stand on the issues.
27. Oh my god, he's made swords out of his own shit.
28. I'm snorting vodka here. Leave me alone.
29. Outies are a bad thing for anything, but, nipples.
30. When, I die I want my penis cremated and flown over the Virgin Islands because I love irony that much. Also, because it will fulfill the prophecy. Finally, I can prove them all wrong
31. He obviously thinks he has a theme song.
32. It's God. Cockfighting.
33. The sandwich made him into a mime.
34. Cthulu loves you. The way you love a salad bar.
35. Demons shoot up the cream from Twinkies. It's demon heroin.
36. Man, Jedi hazing sucks. They're all Kooky. We were locked in nipple combat from across the room.
37. It's a new sport: blow gun tattoos.
38. The cat needs a pocket knife hysterectomy. Of course, I don't know what I'm doing.
39. Right hand reverse grip crayon style.
It's a bunny!
40.(LotV) When, I had gall bladder surgery they forgot the anesthesia and
they went through my ass.
"You have a bad doctor."
(LotV) No, I have a doctor that used to be a stunt man.
41. He with the blue hair shall be made fun of.
42. Did you ever thing of the connection between clowns and punkers?
There is a thing line between them and it's easy to cross.
Now, I'm not talking about those birthday party motherfuckers. I'm talking about the circus fuckers. The ones that have gone to every single small backwoods town in America. The ones who wake up every morning with a bottle of whisky to their lips. They are the most been everywhere and seen anything motherfuckers on the planet.
I bet you could put one of them in a bar in a drinking contest against any hardcore punker in the world. And the clown will out drink him every time.
"It's true."
43. A girl who screams, "I'm cumming. I'm cumming!" Isn't.
It's when she goes, " I'm um-uh-uh- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Who is.
The best ones are when only her heels and her head are touching the bed.
Everything else is just arched. I'm expecting a bunch romans to come build an aqueduct out of her.
44. You'll know I've lost it when I do a 30-minute show, and by the end of it everyone in the audience is dead.
45. I'd Dutch inhale but I'd have to take my pants off for that. It's kind of like the gay frontal sex of smoking
46. You've got an irony deficiency.
47. You would have been more subtle if you'd thrown something at his head and exposed your tits.
48. You know what's impressive: Smoking through your nose.
49. The only good thing about GymKata is that you can have a washed up gymnast who kick the shit out of insane people with the right props.
50. When you register Republican you have to start eating baby food because they remove your colon.
51. Humans are so easy sometimes.
52. "I'm going to the restroom."
(LotV) Well, I'm going to shot-put the cat for distance.
53. Hairspray was invented to keep drunk samurai's top knots askew.
54. I was chewing on a live pig head and skullfucking a baby and I'm still a martyr.
That's what I get for dying in a flood? Are you serious. You gotta love Islam.
55. Do you have no skills? Are you ugly? Do you want to join a cult?
56. Legolas was a fag.
57. Nothing says manly like a dress and jackboots.
58. I just thought of the coolest thing to have in my back yard: A giant stone Buddha. Just to have Mexicans come by and light candles.
You all are Catholics aren't you? You do know who that is don't you?
"Yeah, it's okay. We are Catholics. He's saint something or other. There are a lot of them you know."
59. Did you know that people looking at people not looking is becoming a national epidemic?
60. You have to be a stage 3 Guild Navigator to understand the things contained in this notebook
61. Be careful the claws come out when she's in the mommy place.
62. Even the girls in this guy's fantasies can't suck dick very well.
63. With you and George Michael as my witness, I will never be hungry again.
64. (LotV) Whatever kittens we don't sell we'll be frying up.
"Your a monster."
(LotV) No, I've been to Mexico City. And I mean the bad parts.
65. 300 years ago you used to have to kill your sheep. Now, cow comes at McDonalds.
Humans have become to separated from their food source. That's why I have a problem with vegetarians.
66. Being able to turn people into pretzels sitting down is better than not being able to turn people into pretzels at all.
67. He's an English tea time killer.
68. We must baptize this moment in the fire of our water. Trust me I know how to do this. I've fucked a dead girl before.
69. You have to practice to be that gay. He said 6 words and 5 of them had 3 S's in them. I didn't know no had an 'S' in it at all.
70. Sorry, I was Lord of the Vibing Lord of the Vibes. I'm sorry it takes awhile. Being a verb makes things more complicated.
71. Your exploding young college girls. That's not girl power.
72. Stop your whining and eat the big blue cock of death.
73. Water. Fish. I've got it. Can we move to 2 2= chair. Apparently it's time for statements from the fucking "duh" universe.
74. I started making remarks about anal sex. She said I was disgusting. So I said, You've never been fucked hard in a jail cell before have you? You get good traction with those bars. You can really push back.
75. A redneck with a loaded weapon in the woods and he didn't shoot something. This must be fiction.
76. Remember the good book says there shall be no apocalypses before mine.
77. Whenever you are reading Burroughs and going "Man, this is really boring." Wait, the heroin will kick in soon. Wait, there it is.
78. The world works in mysterious ways, usually in E flat minor.
79. Give me a bag of flour and a blowtorch and I'll make you a pizza.
80. Can you stop killing yourself so others can drink?
81. I truly became a Buddhist while dating a vegetarian. Once I had a double cheese and bacon whopper and she took it and tossed it in the trash and went, "here's a Boca burger."
No. No. No. I wanted a whopper damnit. Don't ever hand me a Boca burger as if it tastes exactly the same. But, I got my first true Buddhist lesson when she tried to serve me Fakon as if it were bacon. I looked at her and took the plate. I started chewing it and screamed, "All life is suffering and this clinches it."
82. Assimilation is not tit oriented.
83. If you can talk your parents into not using birth control you can have a little brother by morning. If your Catholic this should be easy.
84. I'm pissing as if I've a tsunami in my bladder.
85. You can have more rum if you can ask for it without slurring.
86. It's not the size of your moon that counts. It's how full it is.
87. Nothing is better than a fire enema.
88. We all can't have Paul Newman as our guardian angel. Mine is Horschach from Welcome Back, Kotter. And boy is that annoying. Whenever I ask, " Does anyone know what I should do?" He always raises his hand and starts making Ooh Ooh noises.
89. If your going to be an asshole, don't be an idiot.
90. Pussycat, you're codependent.
91. If your so hungry go out and hunt. You are your own fast food franchise.
92. I'd do the laying on of hands the way they do them in China, but it'd look like I'm killing you.
93. Death awaits you on little mechanical legs.
94. I want to/ oh kohshaka oh kahshaka/ and party every noche. That's like 3 continents in one chorus.
95. He can't count to 4 the same way twice and he couldn't find a hippie if he tried to piss on one.
96. My guns go to eleven.
97. Anyone who lives in Moore, Oklahoma. Well, you live in the new Sodom and Gomorrah because every 3 years god takes his finger and goes, "fuck you!"
98. "That's all we've got as Americans is to keep the guy happy enough to not beat his wife."
(LotV) Oh, I see you're playing by the rules.
99. "You can never have too many Buddha's."
(LotV) Yeah, you can never have too many false idols.
100. You must spend all your time staring at a wall.
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4:46 PM
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