Global Credit Crunch Affects Dealer
Current mood: ninja
Category: News and Politics

Tu madre es puta y pendeja!


¿Que chingados quieres?

Currently listening : Mariachi from Mexico By Mexican Mariachi Band Release date: 1990-07-20

2:48 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Apparently, TCOQ could win an award.
Current mood: amused
Category: Blogging

It's true.  Some people on t'internets seem to think that the collective musings of myself and a few friends are worthy enough of winning some .jpg image of a trophy for "Humor Blogger of the Year 2008" or something.  Yay, w00t, generic joy.

Voting for this debacle of circle jerkery is free and if you enjoy our posts, simply click the URL below to cast your vote.  It'll only cost you your fucking dignity although if you read our posts, you've already lost all hope of getting that back. 

Vote for us right here, motherfuckers.

By the way, winning this contest won't stop world famine, disease or the global credit crunch.  It won't stop rapists stalking you, you'll still be fugly and your marriage won't get any easier.  However, it does endorse all of the above because failure is fucking awesome.  I mean, just take a look at this:

Flavor Flav voted and increased his clock size exponentially!

3:08 PM - 12 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Garbage Pail Kids, In Brief
Current mood: artistic
Category: News and Politics

This movie sucks.  Read this instead.

Subscribe here and get free emphysema!

1:17 PM - 13 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Cunt of the Year
Current mood: aroused
Category: Art and Photography

The interactive blog post commentary is now closed although thank you to everyone who participated. I'd like to think that everyone brought something worthwhile to this meaningless discussion. However, Doctor Handsome's Penis Copypasta was well over nine thousand and it pwned you all.

You see, everyone had the chance to rape this discussion board by submitting similar comments to Doctor Handsome. Instead, you ignored this time honoured tactic, opting instead to post comments that nobody will get to read. Therefore, he wins the title of "Cunt of the Year" and you don't.

If you troll hard enough, it'll eventually pay off.

Finally, click here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here to complete your Jedi training. If you still fail after this, we suggest clicking here to join the Ku Klux Klan. You know...for great justice and stuff.


Number one on Google for "Extreme Sodomy"

2:34 AM - 18 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Interactive Blog Post
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

For one day only, my blog on MySpace will be at the mercy of its respective subscribers and readers.  Today, this is your blog post.  The commentary may be used to post your own inane drivel and musings although please be warned that anything you post can and will be criticised by others.

For example, User A joins this discussion and posts a lengthy comment on how to molest farm yard animals.  User A states; "...and then I hoisted myself upon the beast, penetrating its sticky orifice with my large throbbing member.  The beast cried out in both pain and pleasure and as I caressed my nipples beneath my clown suit, I climaxed instantaneously."

Users B and C will then applaud User A for being a creative albeit sick, perverted asshole.  On the other hand, User D and her peers will flame User A for being an insensitive animal rapist and she will state profoundly that such atrocities should never be allowed on internets.  Evar.

Another scenario is where User E posts links to his/her website.  The URL in question is either a phishing/scam site or other such site which does not match this page and its contents.  User F joins in by praising User E while User G states that the commentary is akin to AIDS and both Users E and F need to die in a fucking fire.

For amusement value, any commentary you submit may be used to propagate brand new articles at my website.  Above all, try to have fun and remember - anything you do or say may be used against in you in court of Robocop.  Enjoy.

7:09 AM - 39 Comments - 27 Kudos

The Indispensable Guide to Jew Molestation
Current mood: amused
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Click here and learn how to love.

Fransn zol esn zayn layb.

10:43 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Local Man Talks Shit, Causes Panic
Current mood: blank
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Click Henry to learn about liars.

Click here for innocence and honesty.

2:44 PM - 6 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Achieving Global Domination with Google Analytics
Current mood: chipper
Category: Travel and Places

Google Analytics isn't just restricted to providing amusing search engine referral data (see previous post); it also has an interactive global map interface.  Analytics users can fiddle with this application to find out what countries people are visiting their website from.  For most bloggers, this is a masturbatory aid.

To expand on this further, there is no doubt that the vast majority of visitors to my website originate from the United States of America, with the United Kingdom lapping up its sloppy seconds and Canada mincing at the rear, just like it usually does.

Yet what about the other countries out there?  The remote islands?  The unheard of archipelagos?  Some fucking rock in the Pacific Ocean?  For most bloggers and aspiring journalists, having their news feed being read in these countries would be somewhat unheard of.

But not us.

Oh my god, that's the funky shit.

You knows it, you clits.  So then - according to Analytics, the demographic namely consists of obese Americans defecating all over themselves.  Obviously.  However, there are a few other regions which as of late, have been worming their way into our community.  They are as follows:


Greenland

For those not educated on this pathetic lump of ice, allow me summarise its relevance to the rest of the world: it is a pathetic lump of ice.  Inhabited mainly by Inuit tribes, it is a country that boasts a communal laptop which can be found in its capital city Nuuk (pop. 15'047).

Further information on Greenland can be found here, here and unfortunately, here.  There are other articles but these are the most relevant and accurate.


Papua New Guinea

Papua New Guinea is a remote island in Oceania which is home to murderous rapists and lecherous swine.  I won't go into incredible detail but further information can be found in our comprehensive guide to Papua New Guinea.


The Russian Federation

In Soviet Russia, article reads you!


Mongolia

Perhaps the most obscure of all, Mongolia arrives by searching for "fish in her ass".  Monguls are also known colloquially as Mongos, Mongs, Spastics, Tards, Mongaloids and Terry Nation respectively.  They are not to be confused with "Th Swingin Mon", a Scottish tradition for which gaining a "wiff" is somewhat mandatory.

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Finally, a polite message to the following regions: Africa; The Middle East; South East Asia; North Korea.  You're dead.  You're fucking dead as fuck.  70.7% is not fucking negotiable and whether you like it or not, you will fucking subscribe.  You got that, you primitive screw heads?!  I fucking hope so.


Discover what 30.3% of all humans hate.

 

12:16 AM - 22 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

Search Engine Referal Lunacy
Current mood: amused
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

Google Analytics pisses all over the other statistical analysis applications out there.  I can't be bothered to go into reasons but via Analytics, I can see your IP, what site you came from, how long you visited, what browser you used, what country you came from, what time you visited, what screen resolution you were using, what operating system you were using, what connection speed you were on and the paranoia across your fucking face.

Pwnt, biatch.

One of the main reasons I use Analytics is to look at the bizarre crap people type into search engines as these people inadvertently land on my page as a result.  Just seeing their nonsensical search engine referrals gives me no end of fucking satisfaction.  I mean, just take a look for yourselves...


"Why a dog eats defecations"

Easy enough to answer.  Your dog eats defecations due to the crap you relentlessly feed it.  Fucking hell.  If I had to tuck into a bowl of dried up biscuits, I'd be inclined to shovel a lump of excrement down my throat as well.  This also answers the ongoing debate of why dogs lick their testicles: their food lacks flavour and they were forced to eat their own shit as a result.  Next...


"rectum bleaching"

Naturally, I am pleased to know that along with being a digest of alternative news and reviews, my website is also the premier online repository on rectal bleaching and sphincter care.  Yes friends - any time you want to learn how to give your ass hair the peroxide treatment, just swing over to www.cultofqelqoth.com and get ready for your Eminem enema.


"Rape Table"

That's right!  For the low, low price of $19.95, an authentic Rape Table can be yours to own!  Surprise friends and family with your very own Rape Table, complete with manacles and matching ball gag!  Bring law enforcers into your life with Rape Table, the perverted alternative to coffee tables world wide!


"masturbated amphetamines"

What is this exactly?  Masturbating into amphetamines, over amphetamines or while on amphetamines?  Or are you referring to amphetamines which have mutated into organisms able to pleasure themselves at whim?  I mean - what the fuck is wrong with you people?!


"bacterial infection in dog and straining while defecating"

What did I say?  You need to feed your pets properly or they're going to start developing emotional and physically difficulties.  I don't care how fucking funny it is - take your cock out of its mouth and feed the sonofabitch properly.  QED.


"Strawberry Shortcake Hentai"

Why don't you take a seat over there?

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Search Engine Referrals provided by Google Analytics.  People actually search the net for this shit and end up at my website as a result.  Fucking lunatics. 

Subscribe using the banner below and you too can get yourself a weekly digest of "slags in ball gags" from your premier online source for "menstrual blood porn" and "cooking penis".  Srsly.

Click here for "eels in pussy and anus".

8:57 PM - 36 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

TCOQ: News Updates
Current mood: hyper
Category: News and Politics

Scotland's News In Brief - A brief digest of recent news and events from a land where stuffing intestines and organs inside of a stomach and then boiling them is considered to be food.

Mate Arisal Offer You - [repost] A new company offers re-animation of the dead at a low, affordable price. Hollywood expresses a keen level of interest.

Escape from El-Aaiún - The latest installment in Derek Smither's adventure across the harsh plains of Africa. Discover sexual liberation and racial persecution in the Western Sahara.

Exclusive Interview With Mickey Mouse - The Disney icon speaks out on the life he leads in the shadow of an impending fatwa. We think.

Hate Mail: The Right Hand Of Gid - [repost] Fear the right hand of Gid, ye unrepentant lickers of llama ass for the appocylyps is coming and none shall be spared.

Woman Saved From Post Office Hell - [repost] A woman is saved from the clutches of senility following a brave attempt to stay put in the post office queue from Hell.

Click Here To Gain Emence Skills.