Yes, I do think about you guys in the shower.

In any case, here are the bloggers I go to for my, uh, special needs.

REV. QELQOTH When faced with hateful Amazonians, 8AM rosebed diggers, and Marselles' whole life, just ask yourself: What would Qel do? The right reverend's blogs are filled with the sort of violence porn us poor fool sufferers need.

BRYCE I go to the Tenor for the nichiest of niches: kilty men and beetlewanking. I suggest you follow suit, as I didn't even know I had this need until he filled it like a horny barely legal bugslut.

DR. SANJAY GUPTA Some of you have health insurance. Some of you are brits or kiwis. Well la-di-da. The rest of us are dependent upon the good doctor if we wish to remain healthful and dandy.

POPE JOHN SKA III The sobriquet Cereal Box Prize has already been taken. That's a crying shame, since from felching to marker clenching to various other backdoor shenanigans, the pontiff provides it all. No sending in boxtops either; just stick your hand up there you silly rabbits.

Way that I offended people this week: The three deer picture, which was deleted before I woke up the next morning. Shame on you, who ever reported me.Sometimes a boy deer loves a girl deer and also another boy deer at the same time. This is natural.

Favor you can do me this week: SEND CASH. (Oh wait, I mean your blogs. But I won't turn down the cash.) Seriously. I'm going to be crazy busy for the next 8 days, and I'm moving back to Florida after that. So if I subscribe to you, or if you post somehing that's worthwhile (or a total time waster, cos I like those. But no Blogthings!), would you pretty please email them to FARMZOMBIE@YAHOO.COM? I'm going back to work Sunday for a few days (Geetha broke her leg), and Cendant blocks MySpace.

Quote of the week: "I can't remember the last time I went to a party where there were bank robbers!"-Dad

Trend that has got to stop (pretty please): 1. Popped collars. Even old dudes are doing it. Oh Fall Out Boy, what have you wrought? 2. Melanie or Lanie but never Mel. Please. I appreciate the fact that you love me enough to give me a nickname (and if you can come up with a better one than Lanie, I'm open to suggestions), or are too lazy to type my full name. I know, its long.

MySpace milestone of the week: I reahed 50 (undeleted) comments! Thank you guys! Even more awesome: Not all of you were unsigned bands! Rock on!

Bulletin of the week: The guy who sent me two identical bulletins, save for one small detail: The name of the girl he was professing his love for was different in each one.

SHAUNA: *Gobble, gobble, suck, suck, munch...
Fuck you bitch. I drive a Benz. I don't need to take any god damn tests. It's like totally beneath me at this point in my career. I don't need to prove to anyone who I am. I am Shauna Savage, and I owe a bigger house and drive a better car than you ever will and stuff. So suck my dick!

I think the dolphin wins. With the exception of humans, they are the most intelligent mamals. Should kick feline butt anyday.

Okay, for the first quarter of the race the cheetah is winning by far, with the adult cheetah being able to run at 70 mph for approximately one minute before it overheats. It quits after that because if it were to continue the chase it would die.

So while the cheetah is all fucking resting like a bitch, the dolphin, swimming at a top speed of 21 mph for a short time would pass the tired cheetah, get his jetpack and fucking smoke that pansy cheetah bitch.

Dolphins are the shit. I don't see cheetahs jumping out of water over wires at Sea World, do you? Chester the Cheetah can blow me with his Cheetos. You don't see cheetahs saving people's lives in movies do you?.....Okay, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle doesn't count. The cheetah was way stoned and probably wanted some of those delicious sliders too.

A dolphin with a jetpack would be sweet. Could he have rockets on it too, like a James Bond villain? The dolphin could be like a superbrainy one called Dr. Dolphineas Bottlenosa. Yeah, that would kick ass.

Kimberly:

Ok. C. swimming, D. hittin' it with a jet pack. Well, let me see. Dolphin-dude would win, because naturally, CATS DON'T SWIM. LOL. At least, in my world they don't. Besides THAT, dolphins weigh less, if memory serves correctly. ^_~ Just my scientific answer, I guess. I say slimy but cool dude wins. LOL

The band Sprockets (my other favorite answer):

Neither one wins. the dolphin gets cooked by the jet pack and the cheetah stops to eat him... sad but that is what happens..... what a cruel world we live in

Neilson:

anything with a jet pack wins

Dr. Medulla Oblonjoda, MD in ass kicking:

The dolphin (thanks to the jet pack).

Me: A cheetah CAN swim, and often does. The dolphin 's jetpack will malfunction, causing it to bounce and scrape the ground. It will come to a rest just as the cheetah crosses the finish line.

EDIT: I forgot some of the messages I was sent! Sorry, guys!

That Rad Chick:

Damn, I want to say the Cheeta...because he is a Cheat a lol
Ok lame I know :)

Corncobb:

Cats dont like water. You'd never see a cheetah swimming. It'd freak out at the changeover and tell you to poke the stoopid race Therefore the dolphin wins by default.

1. How did your exam go? I'm sorry the pic of you guys didn't turn out great, and I'm sorry that I didn't send it to you. Its in the pic section of my profile. I can't wait to go to Wayah with you Wednesday.

2. I miss you! I hope you're having a great time in Puerto Rico. Drink something fruity for me. Keanu Reeves is on the cover of Wired. ADAM

3. Reading your blogs, I honestly can't tell whether your bride is a lucky lady or an object of pity. However, if you roam around the house in Simpsons boxers reading Bierce and impersonating a porn star, then I guess she's got it pretty good.

4. Wow, I liked the first chapter you posted. The second book's first chapter is even better, and it shows marked improvement as a writer. Your blogs make me think, laugh, and even blush. But I wish you didn't feel the need to postdate them so far ahead. Don't worry, they're not sinking out of reach of your subscribers. And don't think I don't notice when you delete my replies.

5. Did I say something to offend you? You seem to have disappeared, and when I messaged you I never received a reply. Well, I'm sorry, okay?

6. I meant every word I wrote the other day, plus I neglected to mention your awesome female cat, Mister. I'll be praying for you this weekend. MARSELLES

7. Please unsubscribe. Please. And stop with the mean messages from fake profiles too. When I met you at L. and A.'s, I was reeled in by your hard luck story. Well, there's a reason all your friends avoid you. I've started flagging your messages as "spam/abuse," and if you call my house again I'm calling the cops.

8. If you, Justin, and Miles ever get together, That Rad Chick and I want to be flies on the wall. Your violence porn makes me shudder, but I can't tear my eyes away from the screen. REV QELQOTH

9. That pic of you where you look like a giant bearded boy catching his first glimpse of Santa, Jesus, and Tinkerbell all at once is the greatest thing I've seen today. (I believe the correct title was "specialneeds.") You and someone else are my favorite bloggers on here. I wish you would write more often. MILO

10. You are a very kind, generous person, with awesome taste in music. I wish we had been friends at Land O Lakes. And if shrugs are evil, then turtleneck shrugs are the spawn of Satan. SARAH

11. I miss you even more than I miss Adam. You're in my thoughts and prayers, every night. I hope your deployment is going well, and I hope your home life is going even better. Those are such careworn cliches, but I mean every syllable. Plus, there's this rash I want you to look at.

12. You're one of the funniest, if not THE funniest, bloggers on myspace. I've long enjoyed reading your comments on Marselles' and other people's blogs; I'm truly honored that you're now choosing to make comments on mine. DIANA

13. I don't know you very well yet, but I think you're awesome. I love the little comments you leave me. I've just recently discovered your blog as well, and I find that you're a very insightful writer with a far better grasp of the English language than me. SHASTA

14. I'm sorry I blog too much. And i want you to know that I DO read your blogs, even if MySpace doesn't always believe that I should be allowed to comment on them.

15. You're very witty and insightful. I love reading your blogs because I can tell you put a lot of thought into them. They're like something you'd read in a newspaper. Plus, your pictures make me homesick for Florida. Mr.Alligator

16. I want to thank you for introducing me to some new favorites last week. You put a lot of thought into your blogs and comments, and I appreciate that. And if Dr. Gupta wanted to know more about you, then you are undoubtedly someone worth knowing. RONALD

17. I'm sorry about my bitchy message to you earlier. That was rude and uncalled for. I'm glad we're friends.

18. You're probably too intelligent and sensitive for your own good.  I know you're going through a hard time right now, but hold on. You'll go far with your smarts. KIMBERLY

19. I've only just now met you, butI'd like to tell you that I'd put my feet up in the stirrups for you anytime. And thank you for letting me into your club. MEDULLA

20. Another new friend ;) You have the most beautiful smile on mySpace. Your family seems crazy, and I dig that. Plus, Marselles only mentions how awesome you are all the time.

21. You crack me up. You have GREAT taste in music, and your cheesy blogthings results seem to be the same as mine. Plus, it was a pleasure sitting behind you in math class.

22. The first message you sent me made me smile, and your blog made me smile even more. Welcome aboard.

23. Even though our friend philosophies seem to differ, I'm still happy you're mine. The fact that you have the DSM-IV sitting on your nightstand is the most awesome thing I've ever heard. Thank you for subscribing.

24. You live just down SR54 from my hometown (Wesley Chapel), you can sing, your blogs always entertain, you have a wicked sense of humor, and I've stolen from you. Marry me. Bryce

And my two new friends:

NovakFilms: You rock, and I'm subscribing now. (I was gonna do it before, but you invited me like 4 times, and I refused out of spite. I'm petty like that.) And you like Grandaddy. I remember being really messed up once, rewinding the tape back just to watch them when they were on Subterranean.

Lil Billy: Again, I don't know you (aside from your hilarious comments on others' blogs), but anybody who wants to meet Einstein, Marc Bolan, and a tripping caveman is worth getting to know. Not to mention you started a blog with the words "unfortunately I got in a fight at daycare today." I'd type more, but the cat seems to be taking exception. 

Luna Chick NYC: Welcome, stranger! You also have awesome taste in music (what'd you think of thefutureembrace, by the way?), and awesome about getting into the LA Times! (Can't say I've ever watched that show, I'm already addicted to too many other things!)

Lori: Aw, I love the way you flattered me by asking about my favorite blogs. I know its hard to choose because there are so many good ones out there. I hope you like my suggestions as much as I do. And I, too, want to meet Crab Man. I just strted watching that show a few weeks ago, and DAMN those are some brilliant writers.

"If he starts begging at the table, he's gonna be an outside turtle."

I love Joy too. I'm telling you, that is my aunt.

And now to the 4 (5?) gent and ladies who will not sign up for a MySpace account, yet email me their comments: You suck. Come out and play.

I thought I made this easy, but I guess not. Sorry, guys.

I wrote up a tagback, yet somehow failed to post it until i started getting pissed at him for not even having the decency to reply. So, sorry to Selles for calling you an ungrateful wretch (in my head.)

Anyway, here are the 6 reasons why I would ttly have sex with Marselles:

1. He's a genuinely sweet person. He loves his family, his SciFi, and his fellow bloggers. He also has a lot of integrity.

2. I bet he cuddles afterwards.

3. Just look at his pic. LOOK AT IT. All bald and gleamy.

4. His structure is so fine girls from all over the world want to uphold it.

5. Marselles can afford NAME BRAND Koolaid, as opposed to Wyler's. Clearly, he is a baller.

6. He dirty tagged me, and I'm easy like that.

Eewwwwww of the week: Katherine Mcphee and her obvious lack of support garments. This has bothered me all along, but every time she goes onstage in one of those satiny tops with her thick waist and her floppy breasts I want to slap her stylist with my pimp hand strong.

Lesson of the week: You can get away with nudity on MySpace so long as it is in ancient statue or plastic bathtub faerie form.

Jonathan Swift of the week: Pope John Ska III

Friendwhore of the week: Kevin Smith and his nasty, nasty shoes

Most disgusting thing I ate this week: Offbrand Captain Crunch

Crisis of the week: my dying mouse

Blog of the week: Jared's Eddie Vedder blog

I would like to thank the 17 people who have subscribed, the 156+ people who viewed my blog yesterday, and the 152 people who have commented thus far. I love all of you.

Taylor Hicks ought to be the next American Idol. Did you see him singing "Play That Funky Music, White Boy?" I loved the part where he totally spazzed out at the end, and then Ryan joined him on the stage floor (immediately regretting this decision when he saw how chinny he looked in the monitor, he had to keep squirming around.). And then the Beatles song at the end? Brilliant! I just wish, if he were going to do something off of Abbey Road, that he had chosen "Maxwell's Silver Hammer."

I am going to watch Jewel on Leno tonight. Not because I like Leno, and God knows its not because I like Jewel, but because Solomon Snyder is a brilliant bass player and I'd watch him play behind Courtney Love if I had to.

I took one of those purity tests. It turns out that I am a full 10% sluttier than the rest of the world. (I scored 51.8%.)

 http://www.puritytest.net/

I honestly didn't think I'd score so low. I mean, I kept reading it, saying things like "nitrous? and a tightrope? hold on a second, let me write this down for future reference."

My mother keeps pestering me. I spent, oh, 20 minutes alone with my brother when we went to Ft. Jax last week. She's convinced we spent the whole time talking smack about her. She's convinced we're angry at her for the divorce. Honestly, we're angry at both of them, but we didn't really discuss anything. This is how people in my family express emotion:

Me: I'm proud of you.

Charles: My head itches.

Me: Sucks for you.

But she won't leave it alone. She has a martyr complex. Someone always has to be unjustly angry at her; someone always has to be unjustly hurting her. She always has to feel like the victim, no matter what the situation. Its her decision to leave my dad, so she has to work extra hard.

A 104 year old woman in Malaysia just got married. For the 21st time. To a 33 year old. He apparently fell in love with her as she converted him to Islam. And she's dirt poor, you cynic.

I wrote a blog earlier about the worst songs of all time, and neglected to mention the song I heard to bring it all around in the first place: Jamiroquai's "Virtual Insanity." And the Cure's cover of Depeche Mode's "World in My Eyes." (From For The Masses: A Tribute to Depeche Mode, which is a mostly awsm record) But I did include an even worse Cure song, so I guess that makes up for it. (I love the Cure, but they don't always make it easy.) There were also about 5 other Filter songs that could've made it on there. Why is there so much awful music in the world, and why does it always come from the same people?

There is a woman who works at Lowe's who is going to be in a play in a couple of weeks. She wants everyone to bring her longstemmed roses and give her a standing ovation. She has three lines. She also plays bells with her mom. (You know, like a bell choir.) But she wants to go solo. Only the fact that her mother can read sheet music is keeping this act a duo.

Anyway, here's the Fischerspooner MP3 I promised you:

xoxoMelanie