Heather and the Dirt brown Cowboy .

It takes a special kind of special to out do Ronald Reagan in the hateful tosser stakes , but I cannot help but feel the smirking GW Bush has managed . His actions we all know about , the confused smirk of the spoilt brat who doesn’t really know what is going on is probably one of his more endearing features . What really fascinates me , if facts are true , is this bloke has outperformed in the area of fiscal , spiritual , ethical and intellectual bankruptcy whilst taking more holidays than the aforementioned Gipper ! . That folks is a special kind of special .

Last night I may have dreamt I was in Madalay , however I was not . Being brought up surrounded by family members who were nurses , coppers ect so never understood the uniform thing . Professionally I regularly had to deal with firemen and could not see the attraction there either . However I have had colleagues predominately , but not only , female, who go weak at the knees at the mention of blokes with a big red vehicle and a chopper . Last night ,somehow , in a hotel which has recently had a major fire , some gobshite a couple of rooms away , managed to set the fire alarms off at 3.am .
I think I can safely say a fat bloke in a terry toweling dressing gown , sporting a nipple bar is not making a guest appearance in the Blue Watch 2009 charity calender .

so Macca got married in a flash
and later gave Ex, wads of cash
But his lawyer, it would seem
received Heathers esteem
and it came in the form of a splash !

8:01 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Desperately seeking talent

Feeling smug ,cos Colin Murray decided not only was it the best entry but liked the creativity of it on this weekends Fighting Talk .

Feeling fucked off , cos Madge was entered into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame , sorry but its like a tapeworm that has managed to live inside Tom Hanks gut , then slime its way into Denzil Washington claim to be a thrice Oscar winner !

Feeling like a twit , cos I always tell the lads I work with, to be sure of the destination before stepping on the Metro , so I daydream listening to my ipod and do not look up until just outside Sunderland instead of South Shields , at least I was on my own .

9:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

the cook , the festival , his wife and his confessions

When your on your own at a comedy gig there is one place you do not wish to be put .
When you are a big , fat, bearded, sober bloke in a suit , drinking tomato juice and sweating , there is one place you do not wish to be put . When you put all those factors
together , along with the fact that your tinnitus means you have to really concentrate ( some call it stare ) to hear, you do not wish to be one table back and directly in the sight line of the performer .

So now we know that Jason Cook believes that if he and I shared a prison cell he would be " my wife " .

I had so looked forward to this performance and he was in great form . I have no wish to give any of it away and would happily recommend it to anyone who attends live comedy , and likes it to be at a level above the bowels .

It was slick , clever , brave and very very funny . The asides ,unfortunately , did include comments like mong and spastic which I still reserve the right to object to , but this is not the place to expand on this .

Jason has obviously thought a lot about this piece and has worked out that whilst a pie in the face routine can be funny when someone stands up and pushes a pie into their own face you connect with an audience in a completely different fashion . Years ago I was lucky enough to witness Bruce Morton perform his blood below the window and I have never forgotten the moment of silence where a room full of strangers connected .
Jason has a similar gem in his repetoire and when a piece is written with such emotional and intellectual bravery it deserves an audience .

3:31 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Be kind , re...

So Jack Black gets to make a film in which he re enacts scenes from peoples favorite films . I on the other hand wake up on Saturday , find a chunk of my greenhouse in the pond and break a radio by letting it fall . Then and only then do I get to re enact a scene from one of my favorite films . Now however you may feel about Tim Robbins , a great deal of people will put The Shawshank Redemption on their list of favorite films . No Danny I did not replicate a man on man action scene ! . No whilst Jack gets to play Ghostbusters , my scene is decided by J telling me that there is something unpleasant flowing from our sewer drain cover . Sometimes I fucking hate being a bloke with tools , including drain rods !

So as we are talking shite, a couple of limericks

So E.T. gave Mao a shiner
for Steven Darfur's troubles aren't minor
With Olympian rings
amonst most things !
These days are stamped..... Made in China

An early return from Afganistan
Prince Harry had failed to tan
Its not the press, to placate
but skin factor eight
cut short, him, fighting the tailban

9:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Eating Corgis

So to prove that he is really a man
Harry's allowed to fight taliban
no nightclub snapper in sight
for him to call "shite "
In stead he consumes sand in Afganistan .

So back at Buck house rests his Gran
And she wonders at this" press fighting man"
Born with a spoon in his gob
used to behave like a yob
Now one of our lads in Afgan

The strange highlight of the day Will Self on the Book Slam podcast .

8:45 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Its the Toon not San Fran ( and thats not the Golden Gate )

The Imps, at one, did shake
Cos of a 5.2 earthquake
From the Smoke to the Toon
Bod's in their bedroom
Were wobbled, til .... wide awake

Some in Hull cleaned up fallen debris
Slates int street, along with chimney
A bloke with a brush ,
tried to maintain some hush
whilst faced with the local TV .

A man questioned "a terrorist lot? "
but nature stated .. it was certainly not !
" Twas but a small earthquake
your complacency to shake "
and not a conspiracy plot .

1:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Paul , porridge and showing off

Slightly pissed cos an enforced plan change meant missing a 10 x 10 poetry gig last night

It seems ,Paul Burrell ,tells porkie pies
now scared that the judge deems them lies
for the Law, it is best
that perjurers stay in clink for a rest
thus stop leaching off why Di dies

8:35 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

From Rumble Fish to this !!!!!!

Today I had to go with a group of lads to the pictures . They chose the latest Nic Cage effort . Now I wasn't expecting Kurosawa , but bloody hell this film is awful . When a wet Helen Mirren cannot rescue a film its in trouble ! . Towards the desperately sought end the characters enter an underground city of gold ( the treasure ) , I swear if they had entered a warehouse full of reject Ferrero Rocher it would have been more convincing as booty. Avoid like the plague .

For his health the cigars got the heave,
Castro decided its now time to leave,
his time at the top,
the Yanks could not stop,
his politics they could not conceive .

The Rock now belongs to us
the Tories make waves and a fuss
claim the dosh has been spent
consumer confidence dent
Darling feels he's been hit by a bus

8:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Pearls before punks
Current mood: ranty

I have reached that age where I occasionally shout at the telly . We get up at an ungodly hour and whilst I will have a number of radios on, J likes to put on the telly .

During the week there was a piece about Vivenne Westwood , not someone I would be in the least bothered by normally . The comment that caused the blood to boil was a claim that she exuded " Attitude" , F.M.P "ATTITUDE" . Its 2008 and here we have an example of the emporers new clothes .

This woman makes clothes , and sometimes talks bullshit , however its her bullshit to talk but for **** sake do not tell me this is attitude !

Pearl Sagar (Northern Ireland Womans coalition ) along with Monica McWilliams displayed "attitude" , Mo Mowlam displayed "attitude " The Greenham Common Women displayed " attitude" . My great aunt Cissy , left as a young widow with two young boys , in the toughest part of Dublin , took work as a cleaner , was a warm kind woman who displayed " attitude " I think you get my point . I have met loads of women , warm , witty humans and they have displayed real " attitude " , so don't please tell me this overblown tailor has attitude because she " strikes a pose "at the end of a fashion runway . Then within seconds of that piece finishing there runs a trailer for a piece on Madonna , I just left the room .

Into every life a little joy must fall :-

KODO were on great form .

Finally got a ticket for the much anticipated Jason Cook performance at the Newcastle Comedy Festival .

Daniel Kitson is playing Durham in May

Mighty Boosh series 3 on dvd , so I got brownie points by conveying one home for J .

Got a wedding invite from a girl , who it seems like only yesterday I was minding .

Exit music , the latest Rebus , is finally available as an unabridged audio .

PS Supplementary Rant : on Thursday a 17 year old girl wished me a " happy valentines day" when the hell did Valentines day become an event !.

8:31 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The sweet taste of love

There was a time when men went out to battle , possibly to slay dragons or……… I think you get the picture . So when before Christmas J was ill , the ancient dragon slayer dna swelled my heart . Over the dull buzz of tinnitus , the rousing bellow of bugles designed to stoke the battle ,was heard . What could I bring my princess , the head of John the Baptist having already been done ,and a dearth in the population of dragons ,my options seemed poor . The request dripped ( possibly exploded in a crescendo of coughs ) from my maidens honeyed ( possibly salved ) lips . " Please get me a Wispa " . I set forth in the confidence only displayed by the unknowing .
I entered the local Tesco at 6am thinking the request would just be an adjunct to a shopping trip . One of the great things about shopping at that time is you often hit the cusp between shifts and those going home can be in a very light mood . Thus several staff strafed the store for the desired bar . When no such confectionary was available they wrote a note for J endorsing my innocence in failing my task , which was then passed around for signatures .

Then , that weekend , on my way to the allotment mention was made of a cornershop rumoured to contain this chocolate . So it began , a reconstruction of The Swimmer .
I , with full allotment garb , imitating the swimming trunks bedecked Burt Lancaster .
In a full mirror image , Burt's character moves from adjacent swimming pool , having increasingly bizarre conversations along the way , a badly attired bloke moved from adjacent shops with rumours of chocolate dangling carrot like in front of him . The siren voices led me to journey from shop to shop . Ordinarily , not a Herculean task ,
However the presence of a wheelbarrow laden with a mixture of organic material and bricks skip dived somewhat hampered the venture . Whilst scruffy urchins may be persuaded to mind your car for a Florin , they baulk at the offer of 20p to mind your barrow . On returning home unsuccessful I faced the bloodshot and disappointed eyes of my wife .

All this effort could have been saved , the bloody things were available via the internet . The drawback being I had to buy a box of 48 . So I mentioned ,at work, that I had a load of these blooming things in my wardrobe .
If you meet me in the street , and these things mean that much to you , whilst I still have a supply just ask and your welcome to one , free and for gratis .

9:00 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment