Before the downpour let me just say that my new movie, "My Best Friends Girl," is the best / funniest film I've done yet. It's got a terrific cast. Kate Hudson, Alec Baldwin, Jason Biggs, and myself really kicked the funny around. This movie showcases our talents accordingly as it expands on them. It's a fun R-rated flick. An edgy comedy with a dash of romance.
That being said, let me address the fact that although I'm not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted reputation after 18 years self promoting. I'd like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.
Here are a few things that truly blow about my upcoming movie poster to promote the release of the film opening on September 19th:
1. Graphics: Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.
2. My head: The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Britney Spears' vagina.
3. The Stare. My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate's mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.
4. Lips: It looks like I'm wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I'm a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!
5. Fashion: My character is sporting a very high collar. I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It's going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I'm also able to turn my head comfortably 360 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.
6. Flesh: It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"
7. Hair: It's actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin'.
8. The set: Pick one. This entire film takes place:
A. on Gattaca B. at the Fortress of Solitude C. inside a crystal wind chime
9. The cast: Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.
10. Final thoughts: I set out to make a movie like the men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
Granted, one poster stinking up the joint isn't the end of the world. Yet it sends the wrong message about our movie and I just wanted you to know, that I feel the pain. I really love the film and I know from past missteps marketing wise that the wrong poster sends the wrong audience into the theater.
Thanks again for all of your support. If you have not seen the red band trailer (which is excellent and represents the flick accordingly) watch it below! Just click of the mute button and your rolling!
PS - "Its funny what love can make you do." I just threw up all over this awful poster. Wow, wait ... it looks better.
Hey ... I love my new movie. Jeez ... it IS funny what love can make you do.
George Carlin will forever be remembered as an institution. His keen observations, non-apologetic delivery, use of language and movement were world-renowned.
A George Carlin performance was fused together by his desire to spew at, share with, abuse and nurture a room full of people with his strong beliefs and social commentary. Yet, always resulting with an audience thoroughly entertained with endless laughter.
If a comedian remarks on a routine of a fellow comic by saying something is "Carlin-esque" it's acknowledged as a compliment of the highest regard.
He influenced me the first moment I watched his comedy. His approach to this art form gave my peers and myself permission to be anything and everything onstage. That inspiration continued throughout my career. He was a slight man who was a stand-up giant.
My thoughts and well wishes go out to his family, friends and to his fans.
For so many years doing comedy it was about "killing" with a joke or a story. Learning that Mr. Carlin would dump the previous HBO specials material and work only the new routine was my new objective. I've done it that way since my first CD came out. Sometimes I get crap for turning over my stuff so fast but the truth is it's because guys like Carlin and Rock taught me that is the right way to approach your comedy. YES all comedians have covered all topics but it reminded me that NO ONE has seen or experienced life through my eyes.
Carlin showed me that you can't fuck with the truth. I admire guys that challenge themselves as performers and I appreciate being ... well ... appreciated for that same objective. I throw a sincere thank you to George Carlin for this discovery! I've put out my new CDs and specials right after the next because I've figured out how to say and share what I think and feel. It's often rag tag or freshly polished but it's my road and people seem to like traveling it with me.
Steve Martin and George Carlin are both a massive part of my success. Not comedy success. Life success. I am a better person because I listened to not just their jokes but to their meaning you know the metaphors riddled inside of them. Like great art everyone gets something different out of a joke. I get emails telling me a joke sucks ass and then the next one the joke is the best thing ever. Neither one dictates my direction anymore. I let go of that pain / pleasure long long ago. Caring about being loved or hated is no longer the quest nor has it been for a minute. To be rewarded for caring about the unknown is what it's all about. Praise for attempted evolution is so cool. The gray area is what I thrive on. I win because I try. Or I lose because I try. I've failed more times than not but I don't mind. It's from my heart. Everything I say.
George (and I loved him because my dads name is George and I always thought that made my pops funnier) Carlin is gone. Where to? No idea. Somewhere he created I hope. I will take the stage this week and like most nights challenge myself to be better and truer than ever.
Most comedians I know are talking about George Carlin like this today and will continue to as weeks and gigs roll by us. The great news, everyone, is George ain't gone completely. Comedians are inspired today and are going to take the stage and speak their routines from their heart because he did that and we should do that. Will it wear off? Yea, fuck yea, some will go back to the basics but not all of them. Go see live comedy ASAP. You are going to watch that last bit of Carlin rub off on a new generation of performers.
Comedians that want to find you and tell you about their dark, wild, silly, prolific ideas. Their honest stories, made-up one liners, jokes and conclusions.
Dane
Carlin:
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating… ...and you finish off as an orgasm."
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED I FOUND CARLINS LAST INTERVIEW EVER. ENJOY IT! I THINK IT'S WORTH THE READ. TRULY INSIGHTFUL.
I'm excited to announce that the brand new DANECOOK.com website comes A-LIVE today! The NEW site allows me to connect with my fans in a whole new way that I can't wait for you to check out! The guys over at KNI have been working long hours to make sure that this site kicks your eyes out! I hope ya dig it.
*'Good Luck Chuck' is available on DVD today with a ton of 'special features' that will make you laugh your asses off . Be sure to pick up a copy.
*My ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES TOUR visited 25 cities, logged over 21,000 miles, and entertained over 365,000 fans! The ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES CD/DVD has sold over 350,000 copies since its November release, and is currently on four Billboard Charts, including the chart for the number 1 Comedy Album. Click HERE to get yours guys.
*To every soldier in the US military that writes to me and feels closer to home through laughter GOD BLESS and THANK YOU. To anyone that would like to write our brave men and women all over the world they would love hearing from you! The link is: www.ANYSOLDIER.com
*To learn more about the Writers Guild of America and the recent developments involving the strike please click HERE. Thank you for your support.
I remember the feeling when I sold my very first copy of Harmful If Swallowed directly from my website since I didn't have a record contract. Two years later because of you Retaliation went to number four on the Billboard Charts and I was so proud. Today my third CD is being released and you guys can imagine where my head is at! I've been waiting for this day for a while and it is here! My brand new CD/DVD, recorded at the most famous arena in the world MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, is available now!!! 'Rough Around the Edges' Live from Madison Square Garden can be purchased at stores everywhere today or by clicking here.
Like Harmful and Retal it's not a slap together job. The album art and bonus DVD have great time and energy put into them. You know how I wagon wheel. It's a huge week for new albums and I would appreciate it if you all went out and got your copy today so we can again share in the victory. More than anything else. Put on 'Rough Around the Edges' and laugh. Simple.
I need super cool awesome quality TOP 40 SUperFInger pictures please. Okay - just remember this. When you comment me and ask me to put you on my TOP 40 please INCLUDE YOUR LOGIN EMAIL ADDRESS with your request or I won't be able to add you.
No. I am not dead. I got the emails from some of you and laughed my alive and well balls off. A sack of padlocks? Holy shit that was rich. Part of celebrity, I've learned, is that people always think you are dying, gay, dead, on drugs, wanting to die or enjoying Cabo with another celeb. Accompanied by two photos. Beach frolicking, big smile, splashing in the water, person behind you wearing loudest bathing suit on this planet, holding some sort of beach sport equipment and about to kiss / hug said celeb. The other pic is a there is something in my eye shot while you and said celeb are focusing on something way out in the water that makes everyone looking at it become far too serious and borderline sad. I'm alive is what I am saying.
The SU-FI is NOT the shocker. End of storyline.
I am back in Boston working on my latest film "Bachelor No. 2" with Kate Hudson and Alec Baldwin. Kate is funny and a great actress, and Alec is the only person I ever envisioned playing my father in our film. We will be shooting all over the city until the middle of October. Speaking of October I recently filmed a series of commercials for director McG after MLB approached me and asked if I would be interested in doing these ads based on all of baseballs greatest moments and I didn't think twice. I did this for my father first and foremost. He loved playing and later broadcasting baseball.
* Good Luck Chuck with Jessica Alba hits theaters on September 21st and Dan in Real Life with Steve Carell arrives on October 26th.
* My brand new stand-up CD/DVD from MADISON SQUARE GARDEN will be released on NOVEMBER 13th.
* DANECOOK.com comes A-LIVE soon with a new look, a new vibe and a new function that will deliver on a killer level. I CAN NOT wait to show you this shit!!!!!!!!!
...NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW EITHER UNTIL I WROTE THIS LIST OUT JUST NOW. EN-FUKIN-JOY.
The First Thing: I hate the ocean. It's ugly and smells like a salty puddle. It is too damn loud with it's churning and splashing. The people that say they love the ocean are also not pretty to look at. They steal, lie and are not fair or right about most everything. The ocean is a pool filled with awful unattractive creatures that have no business on this planet. We should build a skyscraper-sized toaster, plug it in and drop it in the ocean electrocuting all the varmints in there. After that drain it and build some ballsy skateboard parks!
The Second Thing: I can only eat egg whites if they are colored with a yellow food dye appearing like they are regular eggs. When I say "these are delicious regular eggs" you respond with "yes they look like tasty regular eggs and NOT egg whites."
The Third Thing: I've invented a device that mathematically figures out who is the most boring person at a party and shoots a deadly laser at them killing them close to instantly.*1
The Fourth Thing: My biggest regret in life is not having a really big regret.
The Fifth Thing: One time a ghost appeared to me and told me I was going to do great things in this lifetime. I responded by trapping him in my Proton Pack and delivering it to the Ecto-Containment Unit. You see, Dr. Peter Venkman is a dear friend of mine and some ghost with his tricky horseshit will not persuade me other wise.
The Sixth Thing: There is no better feeling in the whole wide world than when the cop that is following behind your car takes a left. Especially when you DO have a body in your trunk.
The Seventh Thing: There is nothing funnier than someone that is not funny trying to convince other people that someone isn't funny.
The Eighth Thing: A young boy looked at his mother and asked her, "Mom is there a God?"
The mother looked, smiled and responded, "I really don't think so."
This boy then went to his father and asked, "Dad is there a God?"
The dad looked, grinned and replied, "Yes. I know there is."
Later that night the three of them were driving to grab dinner at a place where lower middle class people eat when a logging truck ran a red light and hit them head on. The mother died the father lived and the boy was badly hurt by a log that bashed into his body.
Oprah called and had the father and son on her popular syndicated talk show and she asked the boy if he believed in God. The boy looked, smirked and replied "I'm on Oprah so what do you think?!"
Later that night the logger that drove the truck in a fit of rage because he was not asked to participate in the panel discussion on Oprah (yet he was invited to sit in the audience which is still pretty prestigious but certainly not as validating as sitting on the actual couch with Oprah) went into a blind white rage and killed the father and son, dug up the mothers body and put the three of them in a tree fort he built for his son Jarvis dressing them in army uniforms wearing wigs, costume jewelry and smart casual footwear.
A year later the logging trucker guy was the LEAD GUEST on Oprah live from prison and his new book "LOGGING, KILLING, CATS and OTHER DAILY STUFF" is a bestseller.
I think we all know that there IS a God but He is very drunk, somewhat troubled and obviously extremely shy hence He doesn't care for the question about him existing or not so let's focus on something else for right now.
The Ninth Thing: Nobody can tell you that you won't make it in this world. Yet, if we can rally everyone in the world to tell you that you won't make it than it's true. You really have no shot because all of us don't care for your work and we are the world. Odds are you will be fine but have a back up plan in case all of us come calling with some bad news.
The Tenth Thing: If I went to college I would major in Apology.
*1 - Pending approval with the FCC and people that like coming to my parties.
If you never saw the original Harmful If Swallowed cover here it is front and back:
Every once in a while some Internet wunderkin figures out a way to pretend to be me by hacking/copying/cloning or paintshop pro-ing into or around my site. They then dupe some unfortunate visitors to their own "OFFICIAL" Dane Cook site and mess with them. EXAMPLE: Facebook -- not me and has never been me but it is an "OFFICIAL" Dane Cook site so I get email all the time "Dane thanks for writing me back on Facebook! Can't wait for the next tour!" More on the tour later but it's coming and it's going to be excellent. My point is this. Someone is toying with you.
I've also had people weasel their way into my page and change my photos around. Many of you may remember three fun filled days last year where some pics of old naked gay guys having an orgy and a woman laying in her bath tub blowing shit out of her ass all over her own face appeared on my site. Certainly not my family vacation photos.
Someone, somewhere called my publicist and said I was writing to them because they... get this.... ready... they didn't like my comedy! I've never heard this before via Internet. I'm stunned. I wish I had a sarcasm font. It's not me and if it's negative it never is. I'm a pacifist and I don't partake in any superfluous garbage. But I guess someone (either the writer wanting press for his journal or some overzealous fan that hates haters hating me and wants to ruin their day) decided to play Dane and attack them. I don't condone this. Plus I always tell my fans to walk away from it. You can't fight a misanthropic opinion or straight out lies.
I hope by reading this I can encourage you all to do something for yourself and people who truly need our attention. Instead of going out now and trying to annihilate these keyboard assassins. Go to ANY SOLDIER and write someone in the armed forces. Don't blog back tonight. Do something that feels positive and benefits these people's lives. These soldiers would love to be opining on a blog site about their favorite comedians but, oh yea, THEY ARE GETTING SHOT AT and defending their fellow soldiers from people lurking around them ALL DAY AND NIGHT TRYING TO KILL THEM. "Hi, I'm perspective nice to meet you!"
I talk to these men and women online a lot and it really lifts their spirits to know we are all thinking of them and care.
Regarding the newest stories, which I find smirk worthy at best, I quote Bill Murray. Playing the cocky head counselor Tripper Harrison in the screwball comedy Meatballs. As he's leading a team of camp kids to win the 13th Olympia for the first time. His encouraging and on the money credo: "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!"
A few hours before the show, in an empty Madison Square Garden, I go over my notes with Barry Katz. My manager of over 10 years. Considering what I should do in front of almost 38,000 people for two shows. At one point I took all the notes and tossed them aside and said screw it I'm not looking at these anymore. Ten seconds later I was once again staring at the pages wondering what moves I should make. Most people know I don't do notes or keep things written but for these bigger shows my team always keeps these nearby and I do find they help when I have so many newer bits I am considering. Thanks for the help BK. You and BVW are my deflector shields.
Bob Hope stands onstage. One of a few comedians to ever play this historic location. I'm looking at his cool shoes.
I finally hit the stage and before jumping into the routine I soak it all in and appreciate the fact people give a shit about what I have to say and how I say it. The love I felt here and it was massive so I return it ten fold in a show that I performed from the depths of my comedy heart. Feels good to give it all away and keep none of it ... except the photo.
I know. Breathtaking. I was there remember! This photo is in my office and when I look at it sometimes I get goosebumps. I can't wait to play this room again really soon.
Doing shows in the round rules all. I never want to go back to a regular stage again. My next show will be in the octagon and then in the triangle.
At any given moment you turn to face 4,000 plus people. I liked this side the best. Forth row back. Girl with great tits that she kept flashing! You laugh and I get a hard on. Who knew!!!
Exiting the stage before the encore. Slapping hands, throwing SU-FI's and just eating it all up. We've come along way my fans and I. Now we are going to take this Dane Train to a whole new place. I have not decided where but when I do .... toot toot all aboard!!!
1: Flavor of Love on VH-1 is my guilty pleasure. In fact pleasure sounds to restrictive. It's my guilty fucking self-lobotomy on a merry-go-round after eating a fresh hot bowl of Kraft Mac and Cheese (IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm NOT referring to the Mac and Cheese with the powder you add in. I'm speaking of the M and C with the actual melted cheese that you squeeze out of the packet). Watching F of L is like jerking it on your day off. Mid-jerk you just stop, smile and celebrate the fact you've got nowhere to be but with your cock and whatever you can conjure up! I don't want to give away whom Flav picked but it was worth the wait.
2: This new music from The Killers is just inspiring on many levels. I've been writing a new script and I keep it on while I dish out character dialogue.
3: Where am I? I am in Newport, Rhode Island filming a new movie called Dan in Real Life with Steve Carell. So wonderful being this close to Boston where I can visit my fam or they can hit the set!
4: From the bin of forgotten music. WHITE TRASH an early 90's band that got buried by the Seattle grunge movement. These guys are no longer around but their music is still awesome and much like FAITH NO MORE I feel they are overlooked. They deserve more props for making real great music and they had a strong horn section.
5: New entry in my ramble quest. DANEjerk
Who have I jerked off to lately and how did it "play out"?
Sitting in my hotel room the other night I decided to give Shakira a shot. Over the years I've considered rubbing one out to her but this chick I spied in Urban Outfiters trying on camo shorts always ousted her. Shaki was about to enter my dirty Matrix.
I set the scene in a mattress discount store that had closed and accidentally locked us in overnight. Shakira and I were doing our best to resist each other but the Serta Perfect Sleeper Fallbrooke Pillowtop was looking like the spot to find respite as we chatted about everything from her new album Oral Fixation to her real name which is Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll to why she wanted me so bad after she saw me in Employee of the Month which happens to be in theaters now. E..nuff projecting my thoughts through her it's time to get goin'.
I decided clothing wise to put her in a mesh-sleeveless-half-top-ripped-petite-baby-t and skirt from Forever 21 since their skirts look like belts. Her damp hair was pulled back in a scrunchy and she had just applied some frosty looking lip-gloss called Maybelline "let me wipe this off on your balls" Wear 'n Go Lip Color. The soundtrack? Billy Joel's "She's Got a Way" from his Cold Spring Harbor album.
Within minutes she was on top of me and after some sexy poses (I made her turn towards me in slow motion with that concerned why can't we just be together look about 15 times before taking her by the shoulders and whispering "no more words ... just emotions Shaki") and we got comfortable. At this point in my fantasy we had moved to a Stearns & Foster Sherrington Mattress because I found that when I am under Shakira it gives me more support plus I heard through the mattress rumor mill that it earned 4 stars over at epinions.
The entire experience was pleasurable on many levels with only a few ADDish distractions. At one point while we were boning I thought about getting one of those Megatouch bar top arcade machines because I love the game Photo Hunt and sometimes Entertainment Trivia. I also dropped out for a few moments to try and remember what Mark Twain looked like because I could only think of Albert Einstein! Try it right now. Try to think of Twain! You can't help but picture Einstein.
I took it all the way with Shaki. I decided to blow my fictional load on her stomach because I was afraid next time I went to squeeze one out my fantasy Shakira would show up pregnant and tell me that we have a kid on the way in another dimension somewhere. She got off and I decided to make her a screamer and she howled in Spanish, which sounded like the White Album backwards since I don't know any Spanish. And I KNOW what you are wondering.....
I'm not sure if she fights crime or not but I would let this chick kick the everlivin' out of me without pause. Photog: www.myspace.com/goykphoto Artist: www.myspace.com/realpaint Model: www.myspace.com/monified4
No words. Just wonder.
Mesh. Making a comeback summer 2006! And am I gonna be wearing it?! .... Fuck nope.
SU-FI right back atcha hon.
Your mom is gonna be pisst trying to get that off the rug.
Daneloaded to the ipod!
HA!
SU-FI returned with pride hon.
Always back to the men and women of our armed services. Your letters always keep me positive and I am proud to help you laugh your way through some tough times.
Give me a few more years. I'm workin' on it. ;)
I really appreciate this! SUperFInger!
Wow your hair grew into a SU-FI. What are the evens?
Someone told me she is wearing a hat. I've never seen it.
My friend from New Mexico. His name is Victor. He's a really good man with a great family.
Workin' the board in the OC.
The hardest job out there. I could never do it because fire is very hot. THANK YOU guys for doing what you do. SUperFInger always.
