how it happen’d

once upon a midnight dreary
i woke with something in my head
i couldn't escape the memory
of the phone call and of what you said

I'm about to go meet sabrina, in Chicago where we both live. I'm meeting her before the show that my improv team has...

Let me get this straight self, Me, my bffe, the girl i'm in love with and a few other choice bf's live in Chicago, IL. I'm on a team, that i love, that is performing for the third week in a row at the Playground, which I'd heard of before I moved here. Starting within the next few weeks, I will be performing every sunday night with a handful of people I adore at iO...in the Del Close Theater...and in August, that before mentioned team and I will be heading to NY to perform in a marathon I was excited about just the possibility of going to...Sometimes I forget how effing lucky I am and I just do things. I just go about my day like everything is normal. I moved far away from home to try and follow some sort of dream, this dream which is following through pretty ok so far. And yet, i still act like i have things to complain about...what's my problem?

I saw the gay pride parade in the form of two paper mache' covered floats driving under the speed limit on the parkway while I was on my way to class at 2nd city. I think I probably enjoyed it as much as every other gay prider that had to stand through half of it and get rained on...I color myself 'lucky'

I love my 2nd city class more and more everytime i go. I'm excited about spending the next year with them (fingers crossed) and I'm excited about learning to write. I've come to terms with the fact that I write about as well as a 5th grader. A sort of smart 5th grader, but the one who didn't ACTUALLY read The Bridge to Tarabithia, so when asked to draw what they're imaginary castle looked like...drew an actual castle complete with flags staking claim, as opposed to three sticks and a block of wood in a tree...which is what it apparently really was...oh well...I shouldn't be dwelling on past mistakes right now. After all, living in the past is basically the same as living in a mental insti, your only friends are the ones you're making up.

I'm gonna go talk to my best friend about my ridiculous passion for improv and see what she says.

could you wanna
take my picture
cuz i won't remember
yea.

9:05 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

life is like...

hey remember that time
when you od'd
hey remember that other time
when you od'd for the second time
well, in the waiting room
while waiting for news of you
i hallucinated i could read your mind

Life is funny and beautiful all at the same time. It works out, then it doesn't, but then it does again. Everything is constantly going in a never-ending circle of love and fun. It's pretty cool that to do what you really want to do...you just have to do it.

You can complain and complain and "try" and "try" but...just do it. I doubt anyone is really excited about listening to you complain, and seeing you succeed is sooooo much cooler.

That's what I'm learning right now. My improv team (The sound and the fury) got into the Del Close Marathon and we're going to New York. It's a big deal. I guess it only matters to people who are physically in the improv world, but I remember hearing about the DCM for the first time and being like 'one day i wanna go to that' ...now I'm going..with my team...who actually got in...I'm absolutely floored by the whole thing. It's incredible.
-I can't believe how many people I've met that I want to keep in my life forever, I want to work with them forever, I want us to all be successful together. That's amazing to me. To feel so loved and apart of a community, one that I want to be with. It's just, nice and wonderful. And I like being in classes where I'm actually learning, a ton of stuff, and NEW stuff everytime I step inside. It's a beautiful thing.

It's funny, I'm a libra, I crave balance, I'm independent, I like to be a loner, I like to figure things our, success is really important to me, and I'm emotionally void. But. I don't know. I think having amy here is only a good thing. I love waking up next to her, I love communicating when we're done with things, and being able to see her every day and spending little bits of time together. I like having her here all the time, and creating a life together. It's really cool, and it's not like any other relationship I've been in. It's real, deep, wonderful, realistic, mature, stable and supported. And its awesome. We have two totally separate lives that just so happen to mesh right where we meet. It's beautiful and I hope i'm not taking for granted how lovely it is.

I love my apartment now. It's just the three of us, we have furniture, my bed is off the ground, i have things to put my clothes in, shelves on the wall. A picture of jesus desplayed and a really lovely energy about the place.

sigh. life is so good if you just let it be.

you're not a teenager
so don't act like one
sure she is a heart-breaker
does she have one
is it down to me, down to me
we both rarely speak

10:14 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

my dreams recently.

i like simple songs
with pretty words
i tried poetry
but it's just no good
the pages get lost
besides I'd much rather sing to you


So. My dreams as of late have been severely effed.

The other night I had a dream that I was doing something I can't remember anymore. BUT I was at my ma-maw and papa steves and I showed her a scar, and she showed me a scar that was down her back it was probably 6 inches long and she said that it was from her cancer and bam i was in a summer camp office where El was working. And she said the cancer was my fault or something, then I saw Kim (from poe's) and she was like 'heeeey' and i asked her how her baby was and Dana or some other poe's lovely told me she'd had a miscarriage and El said :that was my fault, obviously:

and I'm like WTF? it was just really weird and i felt really weird and i wanted to make sure everyone was OK. so i texted them.

LAST NIGHT. I had a dream That I was on this road trip back from PA and I had to stop off to help a bunch of people, we all stopped and we were helping this crew of peeps who had just gotten back from Iraq. WELL A few girls were helping the girls and the boys went with the boys. There were girls I didn't know named like Mary and Binya, then Hilary and Jet were there and Jet was like practically frozen like ice crystals in her hair and her lips were blue and shit and she was like talking to herself, gurl was crazy. and hilary didn't want to be helped and she kept disappearing and we had to like keep them contained b/c there was a disease going around and then we found out Hilary had cancer and we couldn't find her, we were looking in all these hospital rooms and stuff and finally we found her making ou iwth some dude with glasses, and i was like 'that's not Todd' and then boom i was back in this field that had tables and tables of food, but like gross donuts and chocolate sauce and shit and we were all really upset about that, then jet told me i couldn't help her and we should just leave. so we got in my car and started driving..
...then Jillian screamed something and i woke up.

Anyway. Both of those involved cancer and I'm nervous. Dreams make me feel weird.

Other than that I'm stupid busy now a days. Next week starts the 3 wk run of performances on Monday nights, work at dollop 3-4 days a wk, work at clinic 2 days a wk, class at io on Tuesdays, class at 2nd city on Sundays, work at the agency on Fridays, rehearsals on Wednesdays, and then of course...miscellaneous free time...

I'm off to teach lil kids how to actnshit.

luvs.

We are still dreamers
in our dead sleep
Naked and tangled
Twisted and loving tonight
We are the only ones who feel it
So let it last all night

5:08 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

can’t leave the subject blank

how can you stay outside
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside
there's a beautiful mess inside.

Beau, it's the first part of beautiful, i wish i'd thought of that when i was actually with beau. b/c i feel like it's slightly brilliant. He should do a solo show and call it thought.

I've always really enjoyed owning more than one box of cereal at a time. bc when you get to the end, there's never enough for a whole bowl, esp when the bowl is your entire mid-day lunch meal, so when you have 2 kinds that are at the end...one bowl...and it's wonderful.

I'm gonna start taking Jet's workshops every sunday. Cuz she's brilliant. fucking brilliant. and my horoscope said i should find a way to learn more about what i want to do. Which is sorta cool b/c i've been thinking about grad school. In a serious way recently. I downloaded the application and everything. I don't want to do performing arts, and i don't want to do film, Columbia has this major called 'interdisciplinary arts' which is basically whatever you want, but you have to do arts, so technically i can do a little bit of everything. it's fucking perfect. and the fact that anna gail might do it with me, makes it ten times better. I can't wait. but...what should i use as a work sample? Maybe i'll email them??

..ok. I just emailed them. Hopefully I'll get a response soon, and I can start putting whatever that is together. Clover is being really cute.

I sort of want to nap before I have to do laundry, but I tried to do that yesterday and slept until around 650pm, then busted my balls to iO to see matt and todds show, which was pretty great. It's a really cool process, i really wish I could write. heavy sigh.

I love improv. a lot. I wanna do it for a really long time. I gotta learn to do impressions.

I miss sabrina. I can't wait til she moves here. pcpeacetwins need a reunion or something. i miss us. a lot.

i want to only work at dollop and the teaching job. this is hard.

i really like most of the yael naim cd.

I feel lumpy. i wanna run. it's raining. i wish i had a traedmill in my house. or something. and indoor badminton court would be the most preferable. ...alexbif.

sigh.

intoxicate me now
with ur lovin now
i think i'm ready now
i think i'm ready now

9:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

mrs. illinois

trip us or trap us
but we refuse to fall
that's what i thought
we agreed on, kathy

It's interesting, I started my 3rd job, the one with the kid teaching. I like the kids, I like picking out monologues for them, I like seeing myself in their 13 year old faces. I like it. And I know I'll love it even more once i'm more into it. So I'm excited about it. I start my 2nd city classes today, I'm also excited about that. Not this week, but next, we start the 3wk run of monday night performances with Bella at the Playground. I'm also excited about that. in 2 1/2 weeks, we register for level 5b (the one where we perform on sundays) and I'm excited about that.

Here's the thing guys. Right now I have, 3 jobs, io class on tues, performances on mon, 2nd city on sunday, rehearsal on wednesday and i'm slightly stressed, i guess it's in a good way, but i dont have time for anything and usually i'm like really sressed but i still go to waffle house until 3 in the morning and get all my shit done. this is different. Not necessarily bad, but it's coming all at once, and i have a ton of money to pay off, and i'm supposed to get an iphone soon...which i will be doing come hell or highwaterssssss.

this was a boring blog. but nothing cool is happening....

yet.

he blew me off
with a heartfelt letter
i thought
'i can do better than that'

5:40 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Drama is so appealing....

tell her something
in my mind
freezes up
from time to time

I wonder why it is that drama is so appealing to everyone? I mean, why are the shows we love the most packed with the most drama? Why do we talk behind each other's backs? Why do we tell each other's secret's? Why do we blog about love and hate and how it doesn't work or it works really well? Why do we say things we know will hurt people? Why do we do things we know won't go over well? Why do we scoff? Why do we think we're so much better? What's our problem?

People don't realize how lucky they are. That's a big part of it, I'm sure. That and our extreme need for attention from people we already get attention from...I don't get that. What's the point of being angry all the time, or depressed all the time, when all you have to do is be happy? Shitty things happen, I get that, shitty things have happened to me, shitty things have happened to tons of people i have mad love for, but the happy people are happy...which doesn't make sense. The point is, make yourself be happy, just fucking realize that shit goes down all the tizzy. There are goods, there are bads, and there will ALWAYS be bads, your life will NEVER be perfect, just try to make it perfect and be happy when the good shit goes down instead of always being upset b/c you're not there yet.

Things have beginnings and ends. When something ends, it's a new beginning. If you need a change, change something. It's really not that hard.

And america...stop eating fast food and go for a walk. jesus. it's not that hard.

this is mostly directed toward someone who will never read it, and i wonder if that's for the better or for the worse.

you know
we don't care at all
let, let me see you
up, up against the wall
we don't
we don't care at all

12:23 PM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

important information about the near future.

life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
miles from coltrane

A few things...

...I like miles better, you can hear him feeling his own music, its fuckin cool.
...I really enjoy living with Jillian and Emily, even tho it's sorta dirty still, there are always foriegners on the roof, sometimes a cute lil black boy just walks into our house and offers us hamburgers, i get yelled at when i'm on the phone...we work together i think, and we're all really funny.
...i own this, except, the seat is red, the tape is red, and i will be on it AT ALL TIMEz

...and it makes me really happy
...i love working with hillareeeeee
...i hate that i sort of love john mayer, just his old stuff.
...i love jewel...again, old stuff
...i love hanson, ALL STUFF.
...i can't believe rooney came here and didn't call or anything. rude.
...i really like having you in my life, all the time, and i want you to stay there, forever.
...i wonder what i'll be doing 5 years from now.
...this is super cute:

...i mean, i tried.
...i was right when i said life's easier when you have really low expectations, but it's weird, b/c it's almost a pessimistic way of looking at things, "things will probably suck" but then they surprise you when they don't. and if they do, you're in the same posish you were. hmm.
...i told at least 15 different people today that hillz and i have the same birthday, no one cares...hah.
...i really enjoy laughing. i think it's what keeps me alive an dkicking.
...i'm excited about the end of may. really really excited, i feel like things will flip upside down and around and i'll be laughing more and feeling better, not that i feel bad, but i'm running regularly now, and i'm already starting to feel better, i can only imagine what it'll be like when i've been doing it for almost a month and the girl i love is all moved in and bffelindzzzz is livin here, and rent is way cheapster, and we're performing every friday with possiblities of mondays and soon i'll be graduating io and...this summer.

...it's a new beginning...but not an ending...just new and different and exciting, like an addition.
...a really cool subplot.

and...i do need you.

"we're adults, when did this happen and how do we go back?"
--meredith grey needs to stop whining so much

and if you in turn agree
to the next ten minutes
and the next ten minutes
till the morning comes
then just holding you
might compell me to
ask you for more

1:59 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

catchism

it's not a lot
but i want
just some talking
and really you just
injured my pride
hey boy

anytime i feel the way i feel at this moment i get thinking. and five million thought pass through my head at once.

-- janet. don't.
-- i wonder if you still live together.
-- i wonder why you ever moved in together
-- i wonder if you ever REALLY cared or if it was just more dramatic to pretend.
-- i wonder who's winning, and if it's still a competition
-- i wonder if there was a reason for that
-- i wonder if you'll make it
-- i wonder why you haven't already made it
-- i wonder why we haven't spoken in so long
-- i wonder what you were thinkng
-- i wonder what you're thinking right now
-- i wonder if you're covering it up
-- i wonder if you're lying
-- i wonder if you're just trying to prove a point
-- i wonder if you know i've forgiven you
-- i wonder if you care that i've forgiven you or think that you have anything to be forgiven for
-- most of all, i wonder why you haven't apologized. why do you talk to me like nothing ever happened and why do i care right now, but not any other time?
-- i wonder why sometimes i don't give a fuck and sometimes i do
-- i wonder why most of the time i don't give a fuck but sometimes i do
-- i wonder if it's easier or harder to not give a fuck
-- i wonder if it's going to be as great as i'm anticipating.
-- i wonder what it'd be like if we'd never met
-- i wonder what it'd be like if we met 3 years ago
-- i wonder if you consider it a mistake
-- i wonder what it'd be like if you considered...in general
-- i wonder what life would be like if everyone in the world tried to live everything through other people
-- i wonder if people would be better or worse of if....
-- i wonder REALLY why people care about gay marriage
-- i wonder how many people REALLY believe in god
-- i wonder how many people are just scared not to
-- i wonder if people pretend about that
-- i wonder if they protest bc it's gets them god points
-- i wonder how many people just want to make a statement
-- i wonder how many people don't give a fuck
-- i wonder how many people just pretend to give a fuck to get attention
-- i wonder if you're one of those people
-- i wonder if you did that b/c you knew we'd be there
-- i wonder if you're doing that b/c that's what i did
-- i wonder if you're even doing anything
-- i wonder what it'd be like if you'd never reacted that way
-- i wonder if you hadn't...
-- i wonder if you had...
-- i wonder if you will...
-- i wonder if you won't...
-- i wonder why you are the way you are
-- i wonder what you were thinking
-- i wonder what you are thinking right now
-- i wonder why you said that twice
-- i wonder...

everything she do
just turns me on
even tho my life before
was tragic
now i know my love for her
goes on

10:44 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

i like what i hear

"you can't love the unlovable, but you can try"
-Martha

"you don't have to love reality, you do have to accept it"
-Cris

"2% of the people in the world will like you, 2% of people in the world will hate you and the other 96% couldn't give a shit"
-Mark

"I wish you could tell adults 'that's not how you're supposed to behave, now you have to sit in the naughty chair'"
-Ty

"everyone has their story"
-Paul

"Do not fear mistakes, there are none"
-Miles Davis

"All we can do is keep breathing"
-Ingrid Michaelson

"I wanna put your lil foot in a pita pocket"
-Monica

"We're adults, when did that happen and how do we go back?"
-Meredith Grey

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
-Will Rogers

"All these immediate unknowns are better than knowing this tired and lonely place"
-Rilo Kiley

"I'm sorry"
-Me

"you can't just one by looking at the other, you can't judge a book by looking at it's cover"
-Bo Diddley

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."
-Jane Howard

"I never wanted anything so much"
-Sara Bareilles

6:54 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

positives and negatives

everything you thought
was a big deal
now you see it all
and what is real

Positives
-Fran and Dan, I picked you out with my vibes and new you'd be great, and I got to do scenes with you, and I was really happy about that. AAAnd i'm glad Gina wasn't there, bc she made it all possible.
-Mom in 28day program in St. Petersburg, FL
-optimism
-changes
-new jobs
-txting anna gail
-talking to my sweety
-facebook msgs :)
-being friends with John
-Seeing carly and chris
-talking to my family
-working at dollop
-moving in with jillian
-having a guy like phil in my life
-matt ulrich
-running and doing sit ups
-being out of bread (i eat way too much of it)
-Janet gray.
-new and improved bangs
-figuring out how much improv means to me
-recognizing vibes and whether they're good or bad
-meeting new people, everyday
-realizing this is a small city, for being so big.
-feeling like i belong here
-counting down the days until she moves here (37)
-listening to jazz alone in my room
-thinking about the future
-working toward something
-recognizing what i need to work on
-living here in general
-becoming better friends with ppl even tho they're far away
-missing people, i realized that missing someone proves how much i care about them, it's a great and wonderful cool feeling.
-going to her graduation, seeing her family, hanging out with our friends, making jokes with her family and feeling totally accepted and happy
-our new ring.
-working with my coworkers who i love
-listening to my girly bs mix.
-getting boxes
-hugging
-starting at john cas
-recognizing the past as the past...it's over.
-getting over things that didn't matter in the first place
-worrying about things that DO matter
-doing the right thing
-giving good advice
-getting good advice
-being understood
-understanding others
-janet. janet. janet. janet. janet.
-lights, stars, sun, brightness
-astrological news of any sort
-Mates of state's new cd coming out on may 20th. eep.
-they're going on tour again
-money isn't stressing me out as much as it has been
-my security deposit.
-chicago card PLUS

Negatives
-my ipod isn't charged

storm is coming
but i don't mind
people are dying
i close my blinds
all that i know is
i'm breathing now

1:41 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment