Surviving
Current mood: mellow
Category: Life

So as a sign of solidarity with all those folks who had to leave their homes for this hurricane, we decided to spend the long weekend camping, survivor style (in my dad's RV).

To our astonishment, as we settled at the campsite, we found out that:

There was no bottled water to be found.  How was I supposed to take my fish oil & multivitamin, stinky campground water?!  Yuk.

The nearest Starbucks was 40 miles away.

The A/C had only two positions: bake & freeze.

The foldup double bed had a belt buckle angled right against my right kidney as I tried to sleep.

We had to use cellular internet at embarassing speeds of like, 56K.

There was no independent meat store selling grass-fed beef, wild Salmon, or Sushi grade Tuna.  OMG we had to buy our protein (and veggies) at the grocery store.

OK and are you ready for this: our satellite dish was blocked out by a tree & we had to watch cable.  CABLE! Needless to say, they didn't carry Fox News.

That did it.  No Fox News?!  So the missus & I got our asses voted off the island and ended up spending the weekend at the Plantation Inn Spa & Golf Resort, sippin' Colada's & watchin' the clouds go by.

Heck of a weekend.  God bless America.

Currently listening : Battle Metal Release date: 2004-11-23

2:10 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Jewish Guilt
Current mood: embarrassed
Category: Life

So I'm standing at the urinals at the men's room, taking care of business.

Suddenly the door opens & I hear two women, giggling.

Anyone else would think: "Damn, those two drunk women are about to walk into the men's room."

Only I look around me and think:

"Damn, I can't believe I'm standing at the urinal in the ladies room."

Currently listening : Attero Dominatus By Sabaton Release date: 2008-01-29

12:39 AM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

A Blond Moment
Current mood: amused
Category: Sports

Everyone knows my wife is no blond, but she has her moments.

Last night we're watching the olympic women's beach volleyball (what else...)

Then she asks:

"Why do the Brazilian girls have BRA printed across their bra's? Don't they know what it is?"

Huh?

:)

Currently listening : Primo Victoria By Sabaton Release date: 2006-11-27

5:23 PM - 15 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Sorry
Current mood: ashamed
Category: Life

Last week, the global-warming fear mongers came up with another ludicrous statement:

"Global warming causes kidney stones."

Huh?

***

It appears they might suffer from an acute case of miscomprehending the correlation / causation  dilemma: just 'cause two things happened at the same time, doesn't mean one caused the other.

***

Based on the same logic, I could claim that the last 20 years I've been farting more and more while the earth got warmer therefore global warming gave me gas.

***

Wait a minute.  Maybe its the other way around, and my gas caused global warming.  Shit.

***

Sorry.

Currently listening : Primo Victoria By Sabaton Release date: 2006-11-27

8:25 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Nice Guys Finish Last
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

So last night I finally sign off YouPorn at 1:00 a.m.

I go to the kid's room to check on her and it smells like crap.

I sure don't want her to spend the night with a dirty diaper so I wake up my wife to make her aware of the problem.

At first she's incredulous but then she carries her lazy ass out of bed and cleans the mess up.

The ungrateful bitch comes back to bed ten minutes later and doesn't even offer a "thank you", let alone a gratuitous blowjob.

Some people...you just can't win with them, y'know? 

Currently listening : The End of Silence By Rollins Band Release date: 1995-12-01

5:00 AM - 17 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Two Minutes to Midnight
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Music

Exactly (and appropriately) at two minues to midnight

It came to an end.

Lights out, Graspop was over, and Iron Maiden went off the stage.

As Monty Python's "Bright Side of Life" played,

I couldn't help but mourn the irony

As the highest of the highs two hours ealier ("Aces High")

Cleared way to the lowest of the low

It was over, and that was that.

***

She was the model for European health and beauty

Vibrant, lean, and trim

And she knew all the lyrics.

Can you believe it? I asked my friend

She can't be over seventeen

And she knows all the Iron Maiden lyrics.

Of course, he said

They are our Beatles.

***

Now if measured by commercial success, hit records, album sales

One might say he is exaggerating.

But if measured by the devotion of 65,000 at Graspop

And the millions flocking to Maiden concerts around the world

Then one could easily claim the terms

Eternal.  Immortal.  Supreme.

***

And why is it that they keep coming

Stronger than ever before?

(As verified by Bruce onstage, this being the largest Maiden tour ever)

EVER.

***

For some it started with a post-punk late seventies

Searching for a bit more cohesion and structure.

Some needed truth in the eighties

Away from L.A.'s glam and glitz.

Some were tired of Seattle's nineties gloom,

And some (like her, before) are the newly addicted,

Members of a Brave New World.

***

No radio airplay, no MTV

Only word of mouth, awesome live DVD's

And endless YouTube clips

Have made Iron Maiden, some thirty years into its life as a a group

The greatest touring band on earth.

***

There were many old-school bands at Graspop

They varied from the nostalgic (Tesla), amusing (Malmsteen), irrelevant (Saxon), uplifting (Whitesnake), depressing (Priest), entertaining (Kiss), to the downright pathetic (Def Leppard).

What makes one stand above them all?

Is it the impeccable musicianship? The ceaseless energy?

Is it the complex, yet catchy, tune and beat?

Is there a way, uncharted, unmapped, to people's hearts?

Or is there simply only one

Steve Harris?

***

And yes, as every Maiden show

It was perfect.

Even when Bruce missed the first verse of "2 minutes" for reasons unknown

(Could he have been watching the EURO final?!)

Even when smoke from stage right threatened to choke band and fans alike

Nothing compares, nothing comes close

To Maiden live.

Nothing.

***

And when we sang to the tune of "Fear of the Dark"

I couldn't help but brace myself

That after months of planning, hoping, wishing

Graspop was close to being over

Maiden was winding down

And after all was said and done,

Darkness.

***

And then again

A day will come

Better sooner than later

And we'll do it all again.

UP THE FUCKING IRONS!!!

Currently listening : Somewhere Back in Time: The Best of 1980-1989 By Iron Maiden Release date: 2008-05-13

6:15 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Travelblog 3: Last Notes, Day 1.
Category: Travel and Places

A couple things I forgot:

I ended up sitting next to a Chinese matress salesman.  He offered me a great deal on a lead painted matress filled with human pubic hairs from rural China.  I said fine but I don't have any cash so can I please pay with two dozen "Free Tibet" bumper stickers.

***

The lady at the car rental office apologized for not having the compacts available so she offered me a free upgrade and asked if I would prefer a Ford Focus or a Mercedes C-Class.  I repeat:

She asked whether I would prefer a Ford Focus or a Mercedes C-Class.

Sir, would you like a big-mac with your happy meal or prime rib?

Of course I took the Ford.  Fuck these German swine.

But then it wouldn't start and the dashboard fell off so I had to get the C-Class.

Oh well.

***

Day 1.  Over.

Currently listening : Between Heaven and Hell By Firewind Release date: 2008-04-15

2:45 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Travelog Part 2: Turnhout
Category: Travel and Places

Exit row?! Why the hell would anyone sit me in an exit row?!

I know I answer to the qualifictions of "able bodied & speaks English."

But they never asked whether I was a "self-medicated-drooling-zombie-spaced-out-on-mind-altering-coma -inducing-hypnotic-drugs-who-wouldn't-wake-up-if-his-ass-was-on-fire." Oh well, who am I to complain. 

The flight went just fine: Took off, had dinner, took my medicine, fell asleep, woke up when we landed.

The sign of good parenting is handing out fake perscriptions for dangerous psychotic drugs.  Thanks, mom.

***

I am sitting at the main square of a town called Turnhout which, in light of its old church, narrow cobblestone streets, and quaint cafe's could have been called: anyplace, Europe.

***

I ordered a Tuborg with my lunch, which is Danish for beer.  I know it is considers blasphemous in Belgium to order Danish beer, but how is it my fault that they make their own beer out of hideous wheat rather than wholesome hops & barley?

***

After glancing at the foreign lunch menu, I settled on a "Toast Cannibale",which was the only dish I could not possibly guess what may contain.  The waitress obliged to assist me with an English menu which stated (how else?) "Toast Cannibale".  I never had human flesh before and thought it would be fun.  She described it as warm meat on bread.  It was orange goop on toast and it came loaded with onions and capers.  Anthing loaded with onion and capers is just fine in my book.  Yummy.

***

After many years of travel, I learned that the Dutch language is just like English only horribly misspelled and with waaaaaay too many letters.  For instance, Er is een publieke paerking voor het Hotel means that there is public parking in front of the hotel.  See?  They're just like us, only ignorant.

***

When I was a kid my mom used to cook cow tongue so she'd boil it in vinegar for hours to soften it and get the crud out.  My friends would ask if mom's mistakedly cooking my dirty soccer socks, again.  That how these damn European broads smell when they get off their fucking bicycles.

***

All young European males are gay, as evident from the fact they wear white capri's and those horrible, horrible Crocs.

***

School must have been out because all the teenagers are hanging out at town square smoking and drinking beer.  When I was in high school, maybe if I had free access to beer then I wouldn't smoke so much weed.  Then again, I'd probably smoke pot AND drink beer, so maybe our silly alcohol laws are not so stupid, after all?

***

The only women pushing strollers are wearing Burqas.  God help us all.

***

Well I'm heading back to the airport to pick up my buddy Zak.  The first thing I did when I entered the room (which is smaller than my king-size bed at home) was separate the two single beds five feet apart.  There wil be no gay undercurrents on this trip, you hear me?  I will not sleep within 5 feet of my buddy's bed, even when its empty.   Capice?

Shalom, bitches.

Currently listening : Inhuman Rampage By DragonForce Release date: 2006-06-20

6:54 AM - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Travelog 1: IAD
Category: Travel and Places

Currently listening : Evil or Divine By Dio Release date: 2005-02-22

7:36 AM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Dawson’s Creek
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Life

Ten years ago we came to America

Brought nothing but two suitcases and five boxes

With all my CD's

***

We moved into a doublewide in the town of Mount Dora

One of Florida's last unspoiled Victorian gems

Made $400 a week and had nothing to our names

We'd walk the docks & pretend we're on Dawson's Creek

We were happy beyond belief.

***

***

Fast forward ten years

***

We have graduated, gotten jobs

Built a business, bought a home

Been to the Bahamas, Cancun, Jamaica, Holland, Italy (and Vegas a dozen times...)

Drive $70,000 of Detroit's finest

We are the Ameican dream

***

Moving back to Mount Dora tomorrow

No doublewide this time

3,300 SF mansion

Heated pool, a clubhouse, DirecTV

And little Mexicans everywhere to clean our windows and mow our lawn

We are the American dream

***

We're so stressed out it's fucking miserable

***

Bleeding cash out of our ears

Gained a combined 100 lbs.

See our kid an hour a day (and even that's torture)

Had a miscarriage, kidney stones, a stroke

More sex alone than with each other

And no, fucking no sleep at all.

***

We walked out of the bank today after forking over another thirty grand for our new home

Looked across to the lighthouse and the lake

I asked her:

"Remember that show, Dawson's Creek?"

She took my hand and smiled

For thirty seconds

We were in love again.

***

Currently listening : Greatest Hits By Journey Release date: 2006-08-01

9:50 AM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment