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Rob’d again... and then sum
Current mood: kung F-U ...I’m a fighter!
Hello, All My Darklings....
Been quite a long time since I've posted -and truth be told I have been back, but not quite myself.
In the last year I have been faced with many changes to my life... some have been good and are still full of promise, but then there are still those that press on my already challenged soul -to cause an un-balance in my living life to it's fullest.
I am to blame for taking chances -though I hardly see that a fault. It is -infact, reactionary to my actions and actions taken under unknown circumstances when being taken advantage of.
I am less understanding of just what I truely expect -for more often than not, I am let down and disappointed by those I take chances in trusting. Which -so be it to say, is Exactly why I find it hard to blame MYSELF when others let ME down.
My father is fighting kidney cancer -to which I am last to know of, let alone know REALLY what he is facing and the not knowing makes for a burden that I worry over to the point that it directly effects my making of sound decisions when I am faced with making them. Also... who wants to imagine the worse case senerio when it involves someone you love... harder still to process but something I must "prepare" myself for in the event that no one tells me and it happens... I have to prepare myself so I can handle it -IF it does happen, so it doesn't send me down a path to self destruction...
My son is being bullied in school and has been ongoing in his struggle to cope -effecting his school work,...socializing,... and in general his growing up (just only 13 as of oct 5)... I am doing all that I can -and it just doesn't seem to be enough for him... what to do now -how and who do I look to for aiding in this -outside of what I have already exhausted and tried? Am I lossing him.... has he lost himself.... fuck it just rips through a mothers heart when feeling helpless to make it better...
My daughter struggles to be perfect -causing us to drift farther and farther apart, ...still impressing upon the world that she IS a doer -as if she has something to prove after having lost her father to a heart attack and her being so small for her age that she will miss her chance to shine,...knowing that the world only gives ya what ya' put into it.... a direct result of me being her mom... can I truely be so blind to it 'til after the effcts are showing....
Having a transportation issue and having to rely souly on the mercy of others when it comes to some of the most mundane things like that of even obtaining resourses of necessity, such as food and doctors, etc,... -let alone to have to also heap into that mix having to beg for a ride to school (becoming a burden to be avoided)...so that I can further my ability to get a job within walking distance -at least until I can establish enough funds to provide myself with that luxury... I can be bothered to assist them when they are in need, yet here I have become a burden to be avoided when finding myself in such a situation... go figure... ahhh f*ck! What makes me so special right -WRONG, I'm flip'n special enough to them when the shoe's on the other foot -'cept for now and that makes me less special because there is nothing left for me to give -or them to gain... not in all cases, but yeah- I'm feeling like eating my own face at the moment so that's how I shall see it for this blog!
...and having to postpone school due to not having a resource to fall back on in the event that -like I have learned the hard way, might be out of my control -yet so previlant to my ability to go... to better my life... leaving me feeling self damned and unresourceful ...failing -AND being reminded of this by the VERY ppl that "claim" to give a shit about me succeeding -like ROB -you ass... would have f'n killed you to be just a little bit supportive instead of taking shots at me -because in FACT, YOU have achieved -what exactly? The position to insult and damage me because you impalled me on the end of your dick? Right- and YOU -mr.apathy, can go stick your POINTS up your arse when trying to TEACH me A DAMN THING -speaking down to me as IF you are in ANY position in YOUR life to do so when you can HARDLY be bothered to put your effort where your BIG Mouth is when it comes to finding solutions and NOT GIVING UP!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRR
After having been such a bad friend to those that also needed me in times I often was unable to be there due in large part to many of my own issues ...and seeing some sort of selfishness on my part in doing so, I have become distant and even less reliable -even when time or chance afforded me that opportunitey... I feel guilt and a burden in my heart because that is NOT what I am... I DO CARE -only I have had to refocus on the pressing issues in MY life... due to MY mistakes and trust issues -proving to be what they are.... I hate that I am not able to be there for those that need me... but more so, I hate feeling self-hated when I can't be anything more than Human... For that I am sorry, but damn it, I do care -even if I can't always see past my own worries and struggles!
Having been through one HELL of a trying ordeal with a man that "claimed" to be in it for the same reasons and values, but proved otherwise when the scent of a single problem caused him such a bother to his life that he might have to be responsible and be expected to show a bit of an effort in understanding and showing compassion -when he knows little of either and runs like the frightened man he insists he is not! Add to that, the attachment that my children have to him ---- mind you this is something he KNEW full well and good of, and their struggle in loving him and letting him go, only to have to do it all over again, because of MY mistake in taking a chance that EVERYONE -including myself, saw as being a chance that was worth taking ...because of the impressive values and abilities this man offered as being of his person and capabilities -and that for a long time were evident to be true of his claim ... but, that obviously after my discovery... and it being made in the light of the uncovering of the truth -AFTER, I see now that I had made a very large mistake in my judgement... a judgement that was made under a falsely painted image of a man that does not exsist... at least NOW, doesn't, because I see his true colors and they are much less than brilliant as I had initially been MIS-lead to believe them to be...
Knowing that I have given so much to a relationship build on the lies of a man that wished to be seen as something he NEVER was... and NEVER intended to be... and knowing that it was all for what? us to be... friends? The mere thought of it desolving to something in less than a day makes me ache to the core of my being... to lose trust in someone, only to have them claim to be worth proving to me that they can be trusted ...only to have them fuck it up again... NO ONE -not even me, can be THAT BLIND! I was tricked into trusting him, only to have the truth show itself ... In walking the walk just long enough to gain my trust -yet again, to having put so much into it and having made sacrifices to my self and my children to give him that chance to prove himself true of his intentions and word... and to have all that effort result in only being allowed now, his friendship... when he was soooo much more to me -my babies -my family -my friends.... see? I wasn't the only one buying his pitch... he is a good bullshitter! Good enough to dupe us all into seeing something that is clearly not of his person or capabilities and in his words... apparently just me being delusional when not seeing this one coming ...apparently it was NEVER enough on HIS part, or what WE put into it would have been ENOUGH to see the value in not deducing what we already have put into it and HAVE to now only it being that of friends... because of ONE moment that called for HIS being supportive instead of insulting and abusive... all while he was busying himself on pointing out what I should do to fix ME while not seeing what HE should better FIX of himself...
.... what a loser and what damnable god would anyone assume I should pray to now to ask that this sort of bloodclot not be allowed near my family -or heart again?
Having pained my friends and family of my struggles with this and all the other things that prove so much of a mess in my life, I am now trying to reestablish some sort of sanity in the clean up of such an aftermath... I just can NOT go on with things being as they are! I must make changes to even the changes ...and I must begin with balancing out what is of necessity to my immediate relations to self preservation. I must become more accepting of my own daily demands and not always feel the need to excuse my choices -no matter what has to be neglected in moments that I see no other options... and when responsibility falls on another I WILL FIND my voice to speak up and not roll over -providing myself as the heap of soft meat,for the next asspoker to come along merrily to chew up!
and for those that DO CARE, they still will and they will be understanding -or at best will be accepting of my choices REGARDLESS -because I have to matter to THEM TOO!
..thus my choices being made -with my own best considerations having been made, as "I" feel is necessary! Is it so much that a little loving support be too much asked of those that I make sacrifices to and for, be made for me?
So,... to all those that care -thanks for being understanding -or at least supportive of my choices, and to those that do not -FUCK YOU!
-there,... I've said what so many times I wouldn't allow myself to say, for fear of lossing support -but in all truth, what IS support, if it isn't there when it matters most!
Yes,... I am thinking and the wheels of change are grinding to a new tune of apathetic indifference -but there shall be NO HALT to my churning up new solutions and recovering a balance that is condusive to what is necessary to survive! Those that care -get that without having to have it explained to them... those that do not get it... well,... they obviously do not and likely won't and will be the ones that this blog will be offensive to in their defending of themself and their actions...
No more will I pain myself with the biting of my own tongue in an effort to save what is not worth having been paid the respect of being valued... no more drowning in the tears of oceans of struggle only to have no reward for it in the end -and no more lifelines -in those events of need, being saught from arms too short to cast them within my needful reach -god knows if would just fall off for so many to even try.... I am and I shall be long WORTH what I KNOW I VALUE in MYSELF!
To Hell with simple minds that make demands of me -when those very minds are TOO DAMN SIMPLE to even see it for themselves what is necessary to make such a request if if they so deem such a demand without FIRST,...having the value in and of my person!!!!
FUCK YOU, ROB and your delusions of grandure, because if you were worth even HALF of what you demanded of me -which I GAVE and you COULD NOT, then it would be without effort that you would attempt to meet me in the middle to prove YOURSELF worthy... ONCE a THIEF, ALWAYS a THIEF... and you live up to your namesake -R-O-B!
As for my rant... I do not wish to be contacted about it,... it is just me making a BIG Change in my approach to my life, by allowing myself a BIGGER Voice. If you feel a need to, or are compelled to respond -that's fine, but don't expect me to respond ...my head is wrapped around the bits of sanity I can sustain after being hand fed a heart full of crap by a master BS'r. I will be okay,... it's just a moment of self redemption and adjustment to gain the footing when trying to get things back in balance.
I'm angry... I'm hurt,... and I'm frustrated, and in light of events I am in a struggle to put things in order in my life -and that pisses me off when I tried so hard to not make careless mistakes so I wouldn't find myself in this pool of piss,...but I AM NOT A QUITER!
So,... I do not want pity. Just the respect I deserve and have earned... please see it clear to understand that I am having some painful moments in my life ...that are heavy on me and I am busy trying to make mends and repairs to my ...life, so I am unable to be there for those that need me right now -as I would like to be, but only for a spell.... I will be better,... and much better a friend to those that value my friendship ...because you care enough to understand that even though I care too,... I am not at my best right now and likely will let YOU down if I even try to bite off too much....
I am basically admitting defeat in some things -but am taking back my power over others that aim to disempower me -or that aim to destroy me...
I'm... in a mood -if that sounds better, but still.... a mood that is me being mindful enough to warn others to be MINDFUL OF it!
Criss - cross ...applesauce -Gonna go now and reframe from hitting stuff, but MAN-ALIVE,...do I ever WANT to break shit up!!!!
~Darkdonna
3:51 PM
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(...yeah yeah yeah- but it just isn't the same when she doesn't so -shush!)
betrayed
