The funniest press conference that I never got to see...
Category: News and Politics
I'm sure you guys all remember Larry Sinclair, the tubby hillbilly who made a video on the YouTubes claiming to have performed oral sex on Barack Obama in the back of a limo, right after Obama smoked crack, of course. I made fun of him, pushed a few buttons and within no time, he wouldn't stop talking about Murray on whatever nut job conspiracy internet radio show would be willing to interview him.
Well, I got bored with that douchebag pretty quickly, but he's still trying. Until today, that is. Today, he had a press conference at the National Press Club. Yes, that National Press Club. You see, it turns out, anybody can rent out a room at the NPC and talk about whatever the hell they feel like talking about.
I've just now stopped laughing about exactly what happened, though.
I couldn't script this shit any better myself. If only ONE of the following events had occurred, it would make it the funniest shit ever:
1. Sinclair's lawyer (who recently had his license suspended in both Florida and D.C.) shows up to the press conference wearing a KILT. When asked why he was wearing a kilt, he replies "I don't know why men wear pants," he said with a poker face. "It's a function of male genitalia. If you're size normal or smaller, you're probably comfortable with [pants]. ... Those at the other end of the spectrum find them quite confining."
2. Sinclair rambles on and on about how the whole world is conspiring against him. He offers no evidence, other than some psychotic flow chart of the "paid Obama bloggers" who are conspiring against him. If anyone can follow that shit, please let me know. I can't figure out who is supposed to be paying my ass from that scribbled bullshit.
The Murray bone's connected to the... Googalicious bone???
Aren't you fuckers proud? There's no way the single most dysfunctional press conference in American history could possibly go down without mention of Murray! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
3. The press conference ended abruptly when Sinclair told them there would be no more questions. There would be no more questions because Sinclair was apprehended by U.S. Marshals because of a whole shit load of outstanding arrest warrants for fraud. So, you pay all this money to rent a room, and you can't even leave that shit without getting arrested and extradited. Ain't that a bitch? You should at least get your deposit back.
Now, imagine ALL of that shit happening, all in one place, all at the same time.
I don't know if that shit could have been any funnier if Sinclair had lifted his "lawyer's" kilt and fisted his asshole for an hour and a half.
Well done, Sinclair. A perfect ending to such a worthless sack of shit. Have fun sucking dicks in prison!
For just one moment I would like you to feel my pain. I was approached by a Part Time employeee who has not DONE ONE TRANSACTION IN THE WHOLE TIME SHE HAS BEEN HERE. She came up to me and asked me for a private office. I looked at her stunned and said " And which Top Producer would you like me to kick out of their office?" And she pointed to an office of a MULTI-MILLION dollar Producer. Now, I need some advise here. Do I simply laugh in her face next time she asks me about it, or ,do I hire someone to knock some fucking sence into her head? any ideas you would have would be greatly appreciated and promptly taken to the Owners.
Sincerely-
Quandry with no substance.
Aww. Ain't that cute. Someone called her pops to complain about her job. "DADDY, DADDY, MAKE IT BETTER! (and I want a pony!)"
So, pops tells her she'll never be somebody, until she has her own office. "YOU GO IN THERE AND TELL EM MY LITTLE PUMPKIN DESERVES AN OFFICE!"
Bitch has a sense of entitlement, so you have NO CHOICE HERE but to comply! Of course, space is tight, so it's going to take some creativity, but Murray's got some ideas that are sure to make you both happy.
The janitor's closet. I mean, really. It's not fair that the janitor gets his own office, and she gets nothing, eh? Time to buddy up. Make sure to leave the door open!
The cafeteria. This is a bonus for everyone. She gets the biggest office in the whole building, and the mentally handicapped woman who works there gets someone to help her stock the sodas. It's a can't miss!
In the shitter. Whichever stall never seems to get used, that's the office for her! She did say she wanted a private office, and besides, why should the janitor and the retarded help have to share space with that whiny bitch? If she asks why you're putting her in the shitter, let her know that you looked LONG AND HARD and you wanted to make sure you put her where people would GIVE A SHIT!
I believe you'll find these ideas helpful, and end all future whining and complaining from the part-time staff.
My grandma died last friday, then they lost the body.
What the fuck?
We're looking at two distinct possibilities, here.
Number 1: HOLYFUCK! COME THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! COME THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Was your granny bitten/exposed to radiation/injected with any sort of serum/attacked by rabid monkeys? We need to know just what kind of zombie your granny has become. Is she one a them slow limpers, or is your granny gonna chase after me like Jesse Owens hopped up on meth? I've got four apocalypse scenarios, and I need to know whether I need to steal a bike/motorcycle/Hummer/Goodyear blimp. DID YOU NOTICE ANY "PODS" LYING AROUND ANYWHERE????
I just watched Diary of the Dead, and while it's not Romero's best work, I feel inspired by the kill scenes in that shit. Zombie kills are not pure survival, people, it's an ART.
Number 2: Let's face it. People who work in mortuaries are the dipshits you used to kick around, who were too mechanically inept to go to vocational school and learn how to do an oil change. Everyone's got that shitty thing that they have to deal with at work every day, whether it's serving up Big Bell Beefers, or widgets, or QED reports. For those people, it's bodies. Old people bodies, young and bloody people bodies, fat bodies, skinny bodies, wrinkly old man bodies, religious cult suicide bodies, OH MY! And let's never forget this Myspace stud/ dead body raper:
What career counselor didn't see THAT one coming, eh?
Sadly, we're going to have to hope for sheer ineptitude here, because if your granny has turned, dude, I hate to break this to you, but Murray's gonna turn granny's skull into a puddle of flesh-eating goo, and I'm pretty sure it'll ruin any plans for an open-casket funeral.
Alright, bitches. Press release time. The same folks who brought you BoingBoing.net have launched a new site: BushLeague.tv. It just launched a few days ago, and they're already demonstrating impeccable taste by asking Murray to be their official advice columnist. They're working on getting me set up with a baseball card and funneling millions of venture capitalist dollars into Murray's Paypal booze account.
DECA Introduces New Site Geared to the Average Dude; His Hobbies, Interests and Random Weird Thoughts/Adventures
SANTA MONICA, Calif., May 14 /PRNewswire/ -- Today, DECA announced the launch of BushLeague.TV (http://www.bushleague.tv) a new unconventional web site featuring daily premium original video and blog posts, dedicated to all things for the average 'dude.' The new site will offer irreverent commentary, topical daily information on current trends/news and daily tidbits of fun directed at 18-34 year-old men, written in their language and addressing matters only they can truly understand and appreciate.
The site will launch with regular segments, such as '24 Hour Video Game Review,' a video game review featuring BushLeague correspondents playing a new game for 24 consecutive hours; 'BushLeague 101,' a hilarious 'how to' segment geared at specific daily activities, such as planning a poker night and breaking into porn, 'Gadget Slob,' breaking down all the coolest gadgets guys should have and 'Can I Still Eat It,' a nutrition segment that explores items in a guy's fridge.
"BushLeague.TV will trail blaze what digital entertainment means to young men by combining daily useful information with a comedic sensibility that only the true 'Dude' can understand and appreciate," said Matt Kirsch, host, writer and producer, BushLeague.TV. "Combining DECA's resources with the production teams' experience in television and new media, with a splash of in your face guest commentary, makes for unparalleled product that delivers all the best elements of traditional TV and magazine entertainment in an awesome online package."
The site is hosted and conceptualized by General Manager, Allison Kingsley (Former Groundlings Executive Director and Television Producer) and Executive Producer Matt Kirsch (Comedy writer and Digital Media Executive), with a vision of creating a place dedicated to the hobbies and interests of average joes' in America. BushLeague producers will combine the regular segments with cameos from well-known guest contributors adding their special sauce, including Jim Patton, John Walsh (writer/producer G4), Joe Borden, Michael Dugan, T. Sean Shannon (former writer SNL, writer/director feature film Harold), Rob Roy Thomas (creator/director FOX series Freeride and Bravo series Significant Others) and John Wessling (Comedy Central's Live at Gotham and NBC's Last Comic Standing).
BushLeague is backed by DECA, a digital entertainment studio that finances, develops, markets and distributes unique, high-quality digital entertainment properties. DECA delivers premium online content that combines video, social media and community. Some of the company's sites include BoingBoing TV and CNET's Dog and Pony Show.
"Our studio is focused on elevating the content found online and providing a premium experience for users and advertisers," said, Michael Wayne, CEO of DECA, "BushLeague.TV will be a cornerstone brand for the young male audience online. We couldn't be happier to be working with the hilarious and talented duo of Kingsley and Kirsch to build a great online experience and a fresh new property."
About BushLeague.TV
BushLeague (http://www.bushleague.tv) is the newest property in the DECA family of premium online social environments. The video blog provides a platform and forum for men 18-34 years old to interact and discuss things only they think about, including video games, how to items and gadget break downs.
About DECA:
DECA was founded in 2007 by experienced entertainment and Internet executives who previously held senior roles at Sony Pictures, ABC, and Yahoo! Music. DECA uniquely identifies, funds, markets and distributes next- generation digital entertainment properties, bridging the gap between Hollywood, Madison Avenue and Silicon Valley. Based in Santa Monica, Calif., the company is backed by Mayfield, General Catalyst, and Atomico. More information can be found at http://www.deca.tv
I am a criminal defense lawyer in a large, metropolitan area that will remain nameless to protect my ass for the following obvious reasons. I'll just say that as for the women in this town it's been said "...ain't nothin like em nowhere." There are also women judges who are just plain hot. One is married to the District Attorney and I had a case with her last week. She ordered me and the prosecutor into chambers for a conference and, as is the custom with all judges, she unzipped her robes to mid-waist to relax and impart a sense of informality so we could all get down to brass tacks, so to speak. Problem was, she apparently is given to wearing nothing but stylish undergarments under her robes. I have to believe she had no idea that particular day when she unzipped that she was regaling us with lots of tanning parlor skin on a tight 40-ish body lashed with a skimpy white bra and what looked like hip-high lacy undies. I couldn't look at my opponent and he didn't look at me. I kept my eyes high until it was safe to steal a glance or two. She was leaning forward the whole time and I prayed she would not lean back and thereby discover this error, and I just can't deal with that kind of pressure on only 50 mgs of Zoloft. Finally she stood to bid us on our way, shook our hands and revealed that the panties were indeed above the hip and riding on firm tanned thighs. We got out of there without any trouble. She must have discovered afterwards what happened. Well, this morning I had a short appearance with her and when I caught her eye from the bench, she winked. Oh, Murray. I'm well past the age that I realize I passed foolishly on a ton of older, hot women and every fiber in my being wants to plow her in chambers, but her husband is a seriously dangerous individual. What the fuck do I do, Murray?
Blue Balls in El Pueblo
HERE COME DA JUDGE HERE COME DA JUDGE. Pursuant to section 69.69 of the penile code, please rise (in your pants). The Honorable Judge Juicy will now flash the courtroom.
How the hell we gonna stop repeat offenders with incentives like that? The judge should be big and ugly and mean. Give us big titty stripper nuns, and the whole world will become pious.
One time, Murray got a bench warrant put out on him, for not paying a seatbelt ticket. I LIVE ON THE EDGE OF THE LAW, MOTHERFUCKERS! I got a judge that looked like Costanza's mom from Seinfeld, and that shit worked. Murray hasn't been back to court ever since. That shit set me right. I haven't even jaywalked, or even torn a tag off a mattress since experiencing that monstrosity!
My guess is she wants a little role reversal. She wants to be handcuffed and sentenced to FIFTEEN YEARS in your personal pound 'em in the ass prison. We've all seen the law dramas. The DA is banging the public defender, anyway.
So, it's time to throw the book at her. (Where the book = doggystyle). You'll be doing it for the people! It won't be for you. It'll be for everyone Judge Juicy's flashed, right before giving them 20 years in the pokey. You wanted to be a public servant, so serve our asses. Give it to that judge in the ASS. We, the people are counting on you.
The D.A. has been giving to us in the ass long enough. It's time for a little summa that QUID PRO QUO.
Now leave me the fuck alone, and go ask Larry Flynt.
There are times in your life when you realize that you have become something that you never thought you would. You know you're finally a "grown up" the first time you're interviewing for a job and you utter the words "oh, cool. 401k!"
For me, I had one of those awakenings yesterday morning.
It was all right there in front of me, but I'd chosen to ignore the scorecard.
Latte-drinking - CHECK
Volvo-driving - CHECK
Sushi-eating - CHECK
Oh, my Flying Spaghetti Monster, I am an elitist!
I'm not sure how I could have let this happen. I came from a blue collar, lower class, working family. My grandfather was a Teamster for 50 years, for chrissake! I remember when he got all teary-eyed at my college graduation. I thought he was just happy. NO! He was heartbroken! Heartbroken that I had to be all hoity toity and get one of them educations.
I could never do enough to make it up to him, so I won't even try. The only thing to do now is to accept my position in life as a card-carrying member of the liberal elite! (Whoever is responsible for issuing the cards, let me know, I'd like to provide my own photo, please and thank you. I'm not saying that I'm better than you. It's just that I know my good side.)
To all of those people who would point fingers at my elitism and laugh, I must say, you have pigeonholed me well. I'm not saying I'm better than you, it's just that, well, I look much less like a Muppet than you do. A right-wing Muppet of the people! I'm not saying I'm better than you, but I can recognize the ol' "write in incoherently dignified language in order to confuse them, and they'll think you're right" trick, as you so eloquently played here:
Indeed, for connoisseurs of political savvy, perhaps the most disturbing thing about Obama's mini-diatribe was the contrast it revealed between the oleaginous, feel-your-pain evangelism of hope he has on an infinite playback loop and the disabused arrogance that crackles just beneath the burnished, campaign-trail mask.
Well played, old chap. mwa mwa mwa mwa
NOW I'm STARTING TO LAUGH LIKE AN ELITIST, TOO!
And finally, to Senators Clinton and McCain: I'm not saying I'm better than you, but it certainly makes planning for my son's college education a lot more of an Extreme Sport when I'm still struggling to pay for my own education. Sure, it must be nice having hundreds of millions of dollars, as you both do!
But who needs millions when I'm better than you? There. Look what you've done. You've made me say it. Elitism... taking.... OVERRRRRRRRR!
Motherfuck, I'm cranky (and lazy) today. After being woken up about 1562674562 times this morning, it's time for some collective venting.
Eat a dick, ghetto birds. It's really fucking cool when you fly over about 30 feet off the ground at fucking 7 in the morning, so that a motherfucker wakes up screaming "RED DAWN! RED DAWN!"
Eat a dick, garbage truck drivers. You have one fucking task in your daily routine. OK, make that two. Drive. Stop. Drive. Stop. It's fucking simple. BACK UP is not part of your fucking job description. You must have driven past every goddamned garbage can in this fucking alley. Make the motherfuckers on the back WALK. There's people sleeping in this goddamned alley!
Oh, and don't think I forgot about you. EAT A DICK, EVERYONE.
I have a very urgent and serious question about homosexual males. What would happen if a Top meets a Top in a bar and they go back to one of their places for some gay sex? Or like a Bottom and a Bottom? I mean, do they flip a coin to see who takes it in the ass and who gives?
I just can’t fathom how that dynamic works.
Woah, dude. You’re talking about some serious black hole making shit here. It’s like magnets. You’ve got a top and a bottom to every magnet. No matter how fucking hard you try, you can’t ram two magnet bottoms together! You just can’t!
Sure, you’ve got your fence-riders. They’ll cross over from bottoms to tops or tops to bottoms, mutating however the situation dictates. Damn, this blog is loaded with double entendre, and I ain’t even tryin’!
But let’s face it. I’ve never had a dick in my mouth, but even I can spot a bottom a mile away. Perez Hilton, Chris Crocker, Scott Thompson, Ryan Seacrest, Larry Craig all bottoms. Flaming effeminacy, constantly bitching about Britney or whatever celebrity girl whose body they would rather inhabit, sure signs of a bottom.
Your overly macho ’mos, those are the tops. Older men who like younger boys = tops. Straight-actin’ gay men = tops. Simon Cowell, Oscar Wilde, Allen Ginsberg, Gov. Charlie Crist of Florida, all tops.
Hell, even some gay dudes don’t get it. I had some gay Mexican try to pick me up once. He said "JEW WEEL GO HOME WITH MEE TOONIGHT!" Then, he spent the next 15 minutes or so trying to convince me that I would be a bottom. Bitch, IF I swung that way, I’d be a top, and you wouldn’t know what happened after Thor Thunderdick struck! AHAHAHAAHAHAHA!
Errrr. Anyhow. If you’re "straight, but you’d let a fag suck your dick," I’ve got news for you. Time to break it to your mama. You’re gay, and you’re a top.
So, in the slim chance that they’re both complete idiots and have no clue, then there’s only one solution... role play! Two bottoms would be like two lesbians, and one of them throwing on a strap on, except, you know, they’re both DUDES. Two tops, and you have the basic premise for professional wrestling.
So, as you know, Murray's running for President, as a candidate of the NITROUS Party. Don't forget to register, bitches! Anyhow, the other day, I got this poll from the GOP trying to figure out just how crazy ass racist they can be this year (AKA the "I'm ascared of Black people. [] Yes [] No [] Maybe" experiment of 2008).
Let's take a look at some of their questions:
"I feel threatened when interacting with Black people." "I feel safe when interacting with Black people." "I feel comfortable when interacting with Black people." "I feel nervous when interacting with Black people." "I feel worried when interacting with Black people." "I feel awkward when interacting with Black people."
Well, it's about good and goddamned time someone pinpointed just exactly how middle America feels. But they forgot plenty of burning questions, that we need answered.
So, now, it's Murray's turn to poll the world about Black people. There are other important questions that continue to go unanswered, goddamnit, and it's high time we get to the bottom of it. On with the questions.
Thank you for participating. Now I'll be fully prepared to respond to anything those old, bald white dudes throw at me in the debates.
Alrighty, folks. It's Conspiracy Wednesday again, and not just ANY conspiracy Wednesday! THE conspiracy Wednesday for the ages. Just this week, 15 boxes of files on the JFK shooting were finally released. And the overwhelming response so far has been: YAWN.
So, in honor of JFK and Lee Harvey and Jack Ruby and Oliver Stone, it's time to share my top five CUH-RAZY conspiracy theories floating around out there. The world is a sick sick place, folks, and Murray's a happy guy.
So enough with the foreplay, let's get straight to the Kookery.
These are your govament officials. Bush, Cheney, Hillary, all of them. These pompous aliens descended upon our little planet and immediately siezed control of the world's government and resources! They're even mixing with our women! You know what they say. Once you go lizard...
This theory is lended credibility by the existence of Cindy McCain:
BACKMASKING. You see, if you play everything backwards, speeches, tv shows, you'll learn that we're all being mind control by subliminal backwards messages! Well, maybe not all of us, but at least the dyslexics.
This theory is lended credibility by: Smoking lots and lots of pot, and looking for Satanic messages while playing your Electric Light Orchestra albums backwards. When questioned about the hidden Satanic messages, the singer of ELO only answered "SKCOLLOB!"
Every good reptilian master needs a club to belong to. An underground, cloak-wearing club, where they can don their fancy cloaks, carry out rituals, sacrifice bald eagles, and decide foreign policy.
This theory is lended credibility by: Nicolas Cage movies and the YouTubes.
2ANY/ALL THE BEST 9/11 CONSPIRACIES The Microsoft Wingdings conspiracy is the ultimate 9/11 conspiracy that NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT. SEE FOR YOURSELF:
Microsoft isn't even hiding their intentions, folks.
This theory is lended credibility by: Translate the name MURRAY into Wingdings and the results speak for themselves! BOMB JESUS *cockring* *cockring* PEACE, JEWS!
It's like Microsoft KNOWS ME.
1AHH, FUCK IT, LET'S COMBINE THEM ALL INTO ONE! OMG! UNDERGROUND ALIEN BUNKERS TO MIND CONTROL KIDNAPPED BRITISH CHILLUNS SUPPRESSED BY YOUTUBE/CFR SUPPRESSION IN CAHOOTS WITH KFC AND THE KKK AND THE NRA AND THE ASPCA! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!
This theory is lended credibility by:
NOTHING BUT THE HIGHEST QUALITY EVIDENCE, AND LEGEND OF ZELDA GAME PROGRAMMERS:
There you have it, folks. I'd better get out of here before the Reptilians trace my IP. If the Lizards get me, never let them forget my cry NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
