7:57 AM - hard to believe...
Category: Blogging

It's hard to believe that it's August 2nd.  There are Natal Day festivities planned throughout the HRM.  Concerts and fairs and fireworks.  Did you know that Halifax is boasting that it it is the birthplace of parliamentary democracy, also known as responsible government... 250 years ago.  Good ole Joe Howe, also thought to be the father of free speech and freedom of the press.

It's hard to believe that the concept of "responsible government" is 250 years old and we still haven't gotten it right.  Though I suppose in the greater scheme of human civilization patterns, 250 years isn't so long... the Mayans, well they lasted a good 600 years before things started to fall apart.  And the Romans, 500 years is an impressive stretch for an unbalanced system to sustain.  In our run, we're probably just past middle age mark... which would account for our menopausal irrationality and our incessant need to consume symbols of status to exert our prowess...

It's hard to believe that for how progressive we pretend to be as a society, there is still so much backwards tradition dominating the structures.  Mainstream cultures all around us seem to be advancing... only in North America it seems, the birthplace of democracy and responsible government, are we still questioning whether society "is ready" for a female or a non-white male president.

It's harder to believe that a non-white male could become president, than a female. 

It's hard to believe that it's 2008 and I still don't have a robot servant.  I really want a robot servant.  One who can cook and clean and has big strong robot hands that can grab the children as they try to run away. 

It's hard to believe that technology hasn't advanced us to some of the levels which have been speculated by science fiction writers since the 40's and 50's.  Unfortunately all the advancement have been towards the 1984/Brave New World/Harrison Bergeron types of societies rather than those of the Jetsons and Star Trek.

It's hard to beleive how comfortable I feel with routine nowadays.  Everyday life has turned into a relatively predictable experience, with more plesant suprises than seemingly insurmountable obstacles to spice things up.  The new living quarters are inspiring... the new job is challenging and rewarding... the children are maturing... and the anxiety that at any minute something is going to go wrong is minimizing.

It's hard to believe that I'm actualizing a long-term project with the Artists for Autism fundraiser... I'm networking, and connecting, and charming, and feeling really good that it's towards some bigger purpose than the sole satisfaction of my own ego.

It's hard to believe that I am no longer going to be studying the Internet and social networking any longer.  I've devoted a great deal of time, energy and other people's resources towards this purpose of becoming a leading technology theorist... I still think about it from time to time, but it was not the proper direction and I know that know.

It's hard to beleive that it's hard to believe... when belief is so subjective in the first place.  Why do I find these things so hard to beleive?  Do I actually beleive them... or do I fear that if I accept them then I will have to contend with that acceptance of the belief. 

It's hard to believe that I've managed to continue this on as long as I have... Happy Natal Day Everybody...
  

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2:46 AM - some photos you may or may not have seen
Category: Art and Photography

Just some shots I've taken in the past few months...

(well I didn't take this one... but it was from one of the craziest evenings I have ever experienced)

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6:05 PM - only the good die young...
Category: Blogging

It's good to be back.  The break was necessary... personal crises and the growth that follows them requires full attention.  Much has happened in the good ole real world while I was away.

New job, new house, old family... new family context.

I haven't been writing though... and I miss writing.  And as hard as I tried, I just couldn't write without an audience.  Some may say that this makes me less of a writer... because we all know that the best writers write for themselves, not for an audience... at least that's what they say.

So... I'm back... because it seems that there is so much that I should be writing about right now.  And it is stuff that can't be on anyone else's agenda... I need to get back to my own intellectual pursuits. 

With the recent turn of events on the American political scene, it once again feels like we are at a critical point in these historical times.  But this time, which way will the winds blow doesn't seem so determined any more.  I have hope again...

I still get anxious about it all.  It still seems as though the machine is just minutes away from grinding to a halt.  It still seems as though we're all just one step away from the descent into the Brave New World. 

Faith and hope that the geo-political network of societies will stabilize before it crashes is a big leap for me...  But cynicism is partially a fear reflex, and fear diminishes when you begin to believe in something... For me, I want to believe in ideal humanity... I want to believe that, as a species, we can attain the highest level of spiritual existence by acknowledging all that we've culturally created ourselves to be... because in ideal humanity we embody all those philosophical ideals of man, and we are recreated in it's own image.  Frig... did that make any sense at all? 

Barack Obama fuels both my fear and my hope... illicts both my cynicism and faith... It's quite bizarre actually, how this man has come to represent so many things for me.  It does make me smile when I think about how charming and articulate and charismatic and real he seems to be.  He's young... a child of the 60's... and god damnit he gives me hope.

But... and here's where the fear and cynicism kicks in... he gives a lot of people hope.  And we all know what happens to our young and charming and articulate and charismatic and real leaders... they end up in mournful folk songs of hope lost.

In any case... there is much to write about... much to think about... much public opinion to read about... what's going on cats... whose engaging or been engaged?   

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4:14 AM - revolution is free...
Category: News and Politics

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4:06 AM - the young and the stupid...
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I took some flack for my "stupid people" blog... a few people thought I was being self-righteous, or too cynical about the masses.  "You don't *really* believe that?" one friend asked... Well yes, I do... but I also believe that we all have within us the potential to be one of those stupid people, and in fact we all are those stupid people from time to time.  It's just that some of us are more stupid more often.  Can we adapt Orwell here? "All people are created stupid, but some are more stupid than others." 

Lately though, I've been ruminating on the upcoming generation of stupid people (Okay, I'll try to use the word unaware instead of stupid).  A generation which is perhaps the most threatening to social stability and positive change.  Unfortunately, we seem to find ourselves in a society and culture today which has emphasized personal choice and free will so much that the younger generations actually believe that it is the way things go... and one of the highlights of the up-and-coming mass society is that you 1) don't have to think about anything that occurs before or after today 2) you don't have to care what your neighbours or parents or friends think... as long as you can justify your own behaviour to yourself and 3) you can float on through life with a crappy Wal-Mart air purifier.

The more aware you become, the harder it is to keep your filters clean.  Think of your brain like an air purifier... and all the bits and bytes of information that you are innundated with are actually dust particles.  If your filters are clean, the little bits of dust go through quite easily... but, you have to be sure to dump your dust collectors regularly.  Sometimes you get a huge piece of dust that gets in the way and blocks the passage of some of the smaller particles, that's when things start to back up and you actually have to take the apparatus apart and start plucking out all the dust gunk with your fingertips... and sometimes a Q-Tip or a toothpick if they are very fine particles.

If you happen to have one of those SUPER purifiers, then it sucks in everything, and filter-cleaning becomes more necessary more often... otherwise your purifier might blow the fuse where it's plugged in.  The most recent cases of blown fuses appear to be happening on university campuses in the US... sociology and tech students... go figure.

But if you happen to have one of those purifiers that cost $19.99 at Wal-Mart, chances are it's not powerful enough to suck in so much, therefore... regular cleaning is not as important.  If you have one of these filters, you are probably convinced that it is working a lot better than it actually is... a placebo effect of sorts... But the bonus of having a crappy purifier is that because it is sucking in less dust, it is less likely to get backed up and blow a fuse. 

Okay, so I've taken this metaphor a little too far.  Let's get back on track shall we?

My friend Jill and I were shooting pool last weekend and chatting about one of those traits that are typically assigned to the stupid... sorry... unaware masses.  That is, caring about what your neighbours think.  So often, I hear seemingly educated and aware people say... "I don't care what other people think of me."  But, in fact, other people's opinions of you are often the biggest pieces of dust that get sucked in and block passages of the smaller particles. 

Not caring about what other people think of you is a dangerous game.  In fact, I would say that the more someone projects that they don't give a fuck, the more alienated they feel and are longing for societal approval (sort of like my sentiment that the girls who claim that they are not high-maintenance in a relationship are the most high-maintenance of all because they have the added layer of pretending NOT to be affected by the hormones and chemistry that make women appear to be high-maintenace to men)

The truth of the matter is, we need to care what other people think about us.  Or rather, we need to care what other people in our communities think about us... otherwise society goes to hell because we are all acting as individuals, independent of the social reality around us.  Worrying that a behaviour we are thinking of engaging in will be frowned upon by our peers is the only line of defense between social cohesion and complete narcissistic anarchy.  We have these "superegos" for a reason right?

It is potential social guilt that regulates our behaviour in most cases... but is that so bad?

The up-and-coming generation of the stupid may not have it all that bad (damn I keep typing stupid).  They are the "id" generation and may be closer to existential purity than all of us... their purifiers require less cleaning... thier behaviour is habit and pleasure driven rather than driven by any sort of internal sense of ethics and morals.  And damn, moral reasoning does a hell of a job on air purifiers...

In any case, when you have a society of weak purifiers, who perhaps are incapable of sucking in those particles of moral reasoning because they are too busy vibrating and making lots of noise... combined with a complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others... it is a society which is highly susceptible to manipulation (using pleasure and individuality as a vehicle for conspicuous consumption) and it is also a society that is very unstable (because the social glue of community guilt is dried up and not sticky anymore).

I have often placed a lot of hope on the younger generation... we live in a dusty world and some of these kids have purifiers so advanced that they are able to detect which particles may cause bloackage... or they are able to break them down into smaller pieces before they try to digest them.  But, the masses are still the masses, regardless of thier age...

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6:07 AM - Another one of my "crackpot" theories...
Category: Religion and Philosophy

(Posted on http://bloggingautism.wordpress.com today)

So, to summarize my theory on autism, I believe that Autism is the next step in human brain evolution, one which is not entirely random or based on "natural selection", but is being nurtured by the widespread use of chemicals in our enviroment.

Laugh at me if you will… but at least follow me through some of the finer points that have led me to this belief. 

First of all, recent information has emerged suggesting (finally) that us humans haven't stopped evolving.  It seems absurd to me that such a statement is a new idea… but there it is.  Not only have we not stopped evolving, but this evolution (changing of genes) may be responsible for a number of the modern diseases and mental health issues that plague our stressed health care system today.

Researchers are pointing to things like music, diet, even plate tectonics.  Our genes are mutating and adapting at an astonishing rate, partiularly in the area of our brains… their size and complexity:

"In 2005, University of Chicago geneticist Bruce Lahn reported that two "new" gene variations involved in brain size and complexity are still a work in progress. One emerged about 37,000 years ago and is now present in 70 per cent of humans; the other, only 5,800 years old, has spread to 30 per cent."

Now, we know that Autistics have bigger brains, and that their brains work differently than most of us, particularly in their left/right brain functioning. 

We also know that Autistics are genetically different than the rest of us, and a new study suggests that not all of those genetic differences are being inherited… some are occuring "randomly":

"In most cases, the abnormality on the chromosome was not inherited from a parent but occurred de novo, happening during embryonic development. This means the chances of having another child with autism may be closer to 5 percent, as opposed to 50 percent if the abnormality was inherited, the researchers explained."

In fact, the same study claims to have found one of the genetic differences for 1% of the whole Autism population.

There have also been studies which suggest that the chemicals in our everyday environment are altering our genes.  A 2005 article from Duke University explains how:

"These startling scientific discoveries illuminate the emerging field of epigenetics, in which single nutrients, toxins, behaviors or environmental exposures of any sort can silence or activate a gene without altering its genetic code in any way. Rather, the environmental exposure triggers a chemical change in the body or brain that mobilizes a group of molecules – called a methyl group. The methyl group attaches to the control segment of a gene and either silences – or alternately activates – the gene. Either way, the gene veers off its intended course of activity."

And we also know that children are the most susceptible to environmental toxins.

Funny thing, on the weekend I was talking to a friend of mine who is a hairdresser about shampoo.  She noted that baby shampoo is the worst for chemical additives and alkalines.  Then, serendipitously, a study emerges in the headlines yesterday about the potential danger of baby products like powders, shampoo and lotions because of the presence of phthalates.  So this morning I googled autism and phthalates and got 12,800 hits, including this little gem by Donna Williams.

So, here we have a product (baby shampoo) being directly applied to the permeable heads of our infants, to make them smell like a baby…

Now, it seems to me that baby products causing autism, is about as likely as the MMR vaccine being the single environmental trigger for autism gene activation… A notion that I hope we can finally stop pouring millions of dollars of research into after yet another study finds no reliable link between the two.  However the specific link between baby products, phthalates and autism is something that warrants new research directions… Not only that, but a possible class-action suit against Johnson and Johnson could be fun.  And if the new TV series Eli Stone is to be believed, parents of children with autism can win hail mary lawsuits if they play on the heartstrings of juries.

So… to tie this all together…

Chemicals alter genes, our genes alter our brains in size and comlexity, and people with autism have different genes and brains than those without it.  The rate of autism is so high now (and increasing by most accounts) that, unless we are facing a birth rate crisis in the next 50-100 years, the selective traits of autism genes related to brain functioning (visual learning, sensory sensitivity, literal language comprehension, difficulty reading social cues, diffuculty with face-to-face interaction) are going to become more and more predominant in the general population. 

Interesting that all of these traits are highlighted as problems with computer-mediated communication as well.

In any case, this is one serious crackpot theory

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2:53 AM - how to deal with stupid people...
Current mood: blustery
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Before I proceed with this rant, I would like to say a word or two about my writing... which especially seems to be needed after my last few blogs...  I write in generalizations about humans and human behaviour.  This is partly because I think that most people are unable to escape the inherent behaviours that lead them to be stereotyped, but it is mostly a rhetorical device... that is, I write in generalizations to get reactions.  If I can say something here that will spark a debate about what we do, why we do it, and how ridiculously silly us humans can be, either online or offline, I will consider my role as blogger fulfilled... around here anyway.  So consider everything I say with the other salt granules it falls out of the shaker with.

Okay, enough apologizing and pandering to those who might disagree with me...  which is actually a good line to segue into a rant about stupid people.

First, let's set up definitions here... what do I mean by "stupid people"?  Here are a few characteristics…

1.  A stupid person is someone who believes in all the cultural and societal myths they have been conditioned to believe.  Popular myths in this category are: that the news media has integrity and provides us with an unbalanced reporting of the truth, that the government has its citizens best interests at heart, that corporations care and that everything is going to turn out just fine as long as we keep on trucking along the current road that we are traveling on.

2.  A stupid person is someone who has never critically thought about what the word "freedom" means in the philosophical sense of free will, or thinks (consciously or unconsciously) that "freedom" means "abundance of choice."  A popular notion along these lines is… "Of course I am free; I can go to McDonald's and shop at Mal-Wart anytime I want."

3.  A stupid person is someone who is so utterly wrapped up in their own existence that they have no awareness about how their lives and habits impact those around them.  This plays out in a number of ways… they regularly leave their cars idling in parking lots, they talk so loud on their cell phones that their conversation invades your brain space, they cut people off while driving and have no clue that they have, they are impatient in check out lines and believe that their time is more valuable than the people in front or behind them, and they just generally walk about town with the stink of entitlement emanating from their shoes.

4.  A stupid person is someone who doesn't know who the leader of their own country is, who doesn't know what the Cold War was, and who thinks the term "Big Brother" was created by someone at CBS.

5.  A stupid person is someone who believes in an ideology without ever having critically thought about why they subscribe to that ideology.  Stupid people's stupidity shines when asked why they think the way they do about an issue and they regurgitate ideological doctrine as their reason, rather than individual thought about the issue in relation to their own lives.  Stupid people have all kinds of stupid opinions of things that they have no understanding of beyond what they have heard other people say… other people who belong to some group or another that the stupid person would like to think themselves a part of… often other stupid people.

6.  A stupid person is someone who believes in an absolute universal code of moral which should be followed regardless of context***.  An often espoused moral absolute is, "Stealing is wrong," a sentiment which further reinforces the stupidity as it associates the material world with morality.  Another is "Murder is wrong"… except in the context of war where it is a patriotic duty.

***I have often taken flack for my absolute belief in no absolute morality… the first of which I hope you picked up on in the wording of that sentence… One of my favorite psychology professors ridiculed me in class one day for being a "relativist" and posed me with this moral dilemma… There is a tribe in Africa where it is tradition for a wife to be burned on a funeral pyre with her husband at the time of his death… You have the ability to stop this "barbaric ritual"… would you?  My response… Maybe… it would depend on the context of the situation… I would ask the wife first if she indeed wanted to be burned with her husband, and then consider what her life might look like if I did intervene, but did not take any action further than "saving her life"… perhaps it would be such a dishonor in her culture that the death I rescued her from was less agonizing and torturous than the life I bestowed upon her by "playing god."   

7.  A stupid person is someone who believes that statistics don't lie

8.  A stupid person is someone who doesn't recognize that the criticisms they have about other people are actually true of themselves as well… hmmm wait a second…                

As a group, stupid people have been labeled many ways.  Often referred to as "The Masses", one colourful phrase I have always enjoyed comes from journalist Walter Lippmann.  He indicated that the masses are a "bewildered herd" (a phrase that I had always thought was coined by C. Wright Mills and made popular by Noam Chomsky).  In 1922, Lippmann wrote, "The public must be put in its place, so that each of us may live free of the trampling and roar of a bewildered herd."  Herbert Marcuse (1964) used the term "One-Dimensional Man" to describe a stupid person who has lost the ability to think critically and behave in opposition to the one-dimensional society that we have rationalized around us.  In Brave New World (1932), they were the Alphas and Betas, willfully consenting to a totalitarian society of narcissism and self-indulgence, in exchange for Soma and aesthetic beauty.  And Vance Packard called stupid people "The Waste-Makers" (1960)… people who exhibit such traits as "pleasure-mindedness, self-indulgence, materialism, and passivity…"

So now that I've outlined who exactly I think the stupid people are… let's go over some ways to "deal" with them.  By "deal with them" I mean take a gentle hand in helping them realize that they are, indeed, stupid. 

1.  Ask them why they believe what they say they believe… anytime you hear a stupid person spouting off sentences like, "The Iraq war is right/wrong" or "Abortion is right/wrong" or "Omega 3's are good for you" or "Titanic was my favorite movie"… ask them why.  At the very least this will cause them to pause for a moment and reach for the answer, even if the only one they can give is regurgitation… 

2.  Educate them… one of my favorite things to do while I am grocery shopping is to look at labels and casually start a conversation with the person I am with about food security, all the fucking additives in our food, and why it is a shame that I  can't buy local produce from my grocer… if I am shopping alone, sometimes I'll start talking to the person next to me reaching into that bin of tomatoes from Costa Rica or mutter to myself about "red dye 8" as people pass me in the Kool-Aid aisle.

3.  Don't get angry with them… have pity for them.

4.  Don't outwardly criticize them or look down on them from… despite the obvious hypocrisy between labeling stupid people as stupid and what I am about to say… derision breeds derision… if you tell a stupid person that they are stupid, you won't get very far in helping them smarten up… but if you show a stupid person how they are stupid, you'll get a little farther in the education process.  Nobody likes to be called stupid… but more than that… nobody likes to appear stupid.

5.  Connect with them… even if contempt for stupid people and their stupid culture runs through your veins like a bad hit of acid… "people are just people like you"… recognize that we are all in this boat together, and despite being stupid, they are almost as likely to be as fucked up and confused and angry as you are… the main difference being that they don't necessarily understand why.

Discontent is as fluid among stupid people as it is for us "enlightened" ones,… and by enlightened I mean those who realize that reality isn't reality after all… however the enlightened are often the first ones put up against the wall in revolutionary times. It can be a dangerous predicament to be a goat in a field of sheep…or… going back to Lippmann's quote about the bewildered herd… when you find yourself in the midst of a stampede when the herd gets spooked…

Currently reading : The Hidden Persuaders By Vance Oakley Packard Release date: 07 July, 2007

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4:46 AM - A woman’s guide to women... for men
Category: Romance and Relationships

Well, I'm going to continue on this topic... because it is clear that everyone is so fucked up about it... men and women alike.  So here is a list of women's signals and how they interpret certain interactions with men... perhaps we can all just get along if we know where the other is coming from.

Things men do or say that lead women to believe that they are interested in them.

1.  If a man calls, emails, instant messages or goes out of his way to interact with a woman on a weekly basis (that is, about 3 or 4 times a week) she will start to wonder if he is interested in her.

2.  If, within those calls, emails, interactions he quotes song lyrics relating to relationships and love, or refers to any cultural product that has "romantic" overtones (like movies, or books), she will think he is interested in her (unless of course the song is something like "Don't Stand So Close to Me" or "Every Breath You Take"... then that's just creepy).

3.  For divorced women and single moms... if a man offers to help with her children, through money or other forms of emotional support she will think he is interested in her.

4.  If a man appears to genuinely care about a woman's emotional well-being, like trying to comfort her when she is down, he will think she's interested in her.

5.  If a man gives a woman gifts... of material or sentimental value, she will think he is interested in her.

6.  If a man appears to be trying to make a spiritual connection with a woman, by talking about life and the afterlife and his beliefs or her beliefs... she will think he is interested in her.

7.  If a man compliments a woman on her physical appearance, or notices things like that she's wearing her hair a different way, or that she got a new outfit... she will think he is interested in her.

So basically, if a man's interaction with a woman appears to be focused around her... and her well-being... and her general happiness... she will think he is interested in her, unless he makes it clear from the beginning that he is not... and even then, her mind will wander into cognitive spirals of interpreting his behaviour and general sense of caring towards her.

Now...

How can a man tell if a woman is interested in her?

1.  If she responds to all of those above mentioned things openly and positively... she welcomes the discussions, doesn't shy away from his caring, and begins to lean on him for emotional support... she is interested

2.  If, when she looks at him and her pupils are wide, her expression coy, and her lips slightly ajar... she is interested.

3.  If she doesn't interrupt him when he is talking to her about himself and his interests, and looks thouroughly fascinated with what he is saying, even if he is rambling on about technical and mundane details about his life and work... she is interested.

4.  If she is a smoker and she takes long and deep drags, plays with her cigarette along the rim of the ashtray and delicately butts it out when she is done while engaged in conversation with him... she is interested.

5.  If she leans in towards him when they are interacting, allowing him a peek at her cleavage and generally appears to be looking for a more intimate interaction... she is interested.

6.  If she is concerned about what she looks like around him... that is, he only sees her when she is looking her best... or she is constantly playing with her hair or adjusting her posture while around him... she is interested.

7.  If she brings up sex that is not related to her having sex with another man (though sometimes when it is related to her having sex with another man)... but pretty much anytime she brings up sex... she is interested in him.

8.  If a woman calls a man, or goes out of her way to let him know that she has broken up with her ex... she is interested in him.

9.  And as my previous blog indicated... if she gets hurt easily, or begins to over-analyze a man's behaviour, or, in general, appears to be "irrational" in her interactions with a man... she is interested in him.

It is important for men to remember that women are the choosers, from an evolutionary perspective.  So if she appears to be into a man, she probably is.

The only thing men need to know about securing a relationship with a woman...

Chase her.  If a man is into a woman, but he is unsure if she is into him... even after she has sent him, what she believes to be a gazillion signals indicating that she is... all he has to do is chase her and directly let her know that he is interested... that is, above and beyond all her crazy interpretations of his behaviour.

I understand that men are cautious when it comes to women... they don't know how to proceed, they don't want to be aggressive, they want her to directly tell him that they are interested before they proceed with courting rituals... but, most women view every man as a potential mate... if a man and a woman are friends... chances are she's thought about him in that romantic/partner way at least once.

But most men I know think that because women are the choosers, that they just have to sit back and let them choose... but it doesn't work that way... a woman never wants to feel like she is doing all the work in the courting process... It is HIS job to woo her... to convince her that he is the one she should choose.

The only thing that men need to know in keeping that relationship once it is secured

A delicate balance of being really into her, and focusing on her needs, while at the same time letting her know that he needs her for all the same reasons that she needs him.  A woman starts to question whether a man is serious about her, if the chase seems to stop... if the courting rituals fall by the wayside to routine and daily life.  If she feels she is always the one who has to initiate intimacy, or going out, or being together... she is going to question the whole relationship.

A woman also starts to question whether a man is serious about her, or still loves her, if he doesn't appear to lean on her for emotional support sometimes.  If she doesn't feel like he needs her to take care of him emotionally she will probably start to withdraw herself.

However... it's never a good sign, for either men or women, if the other becomes the sole provider of emotional support... that's when things can get toxic.

So I hope this helps all you bewildered guys out there... I think that men need to be able to read women better... at the same time, I think that women should stop thinking that they can read men so well... because sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar...

Men, feel free to comment and ask questions... Women, feel free to add your own directions on this loosely drawn and incomplete map...

Currently reading : The Selfish Gene: 30th Anniversary Edition--with a new Introduction by the Author By Richard Dawkins Release date: 23 March, 2006

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1:23 AM - crazy bitches and the men who drive them there...
Current mood: horny
Category: Romance and Relationships

A male friend of mine has recently started dating a new gal.  The other night, as we were sharing a pint of bitter in Dave's new apartment he also shares his excitement about their second date.  Dave remarks that what he is really looking forward to is "getting some."  My friend, who will remain nameless, retorts, "Well, I guess I'll find out if she is the type of woman who will sleep with me right away... or else I'll find out if she is the type of woman worth waiting for."  The two laugh, as I put a sour puss on my face.

Another male friend of mine has started correspondence with a woman who is thought to be, among this circle of friends, the type of woman who will sleep with a man on the first date.  She is also a woman that they all (and I have occasionally) labeled as "crazy."  And what is meant by crazy is the fact that she is emotionally unstable, easy to fall in love and then become quite obsessive with the object of her affections due to issues of low self-esteem.  He's not looking for a relationship with this woman, yet continues to email with her about topics which any woman, regardless of her apparent "sanity" would take as signals that he is interested in her.  And he is interested in fucking her... but that's about as far as it goes.  I put a sour puss on my face again.

The issues of sex and love tend to get confused in the minds of women... not only in the minds of women who think that sex is the only way that they can obtain love... but in most women, period.  Because most women understand that physical element of love to a man, and tend to put a lot of emphasis on it, especially in the courting period.  That is, most women want to be the type of woman who is worth waiting for… but realistically know that the only way to be that woman is through those physical elements of love and attraction.  The confusion experienced by women, the uncertainty of the love, often drives them to think and act irrationally… that is, they let their emotions guide them rather than the logic that men appear to be governed by when it comes to matters of sex and love. 

But sex and love are not rational things I'm afraid.  Sex is violent and volatile, and love is full of symbolism and sentiment.  Quite frankly, I am getting sick and tired of hearing men labeling women as "crazy" or playing the "women are fucked" card as way to shift the blame of sex and love troubles onto the feminine brain.  These trite explanations into the workings of the female brain when it comes to sex and love are insulting and lame.

I, myself, as "smart" as you all think I am, am also prone to confusion and emotional turmoil and drama when I get wrapped up in what I think a man thinks of me, how he feels about me, and whether or not he wants to fuck me… But, this is no reason to call me "crazy."  Because "crazy" implies abnormal, and rest assured I am one of the most "normal" heterosexual women I know.

So what is a normal heterosexual woman these days?   She is a woman who grew up on contradictions and lies.  That Prince Charming would rescue her… but at the same time she doesn't need rescuing.  That beauty lies within… but at the same time, why doesn't she drop those five pounds and put on a bit of make-up.  And that, by nature she is ruled by her emotions… but she can only be successful if she suppresses those emotions and takes it like a man.  She must be both sweet and sexy, but not too sweet for the risk of becoming a doormat, and not too sexy for the risk of being labeled a tramp. 

This is not to negate that men haven't also been fed a pack of contradictions and lies about who and what they are "supposed" to be, particularly in the sensitive but masculine realm… but I'm focusing on women here… so if you want to get into that, go write your own blog…

I have a lot of male friends.  In fact, until recently, I had more male friends than female ones.  I have often sympathized with them in their confusion and bewilderment when it comes to the fairer sex.  But as I've found myself "single" and see how easy it can be to get wrapped up in uncertainty and self-doubt about my own existence as a "potential mate" I've come to believe that perhaps the reason that men remain confused and bewildered about girlfriends and fuck friends and female friends, is because it's easier to label them as crazy and irrational rather then making any effort in understanding their own role in female crazy.  It's as if it was simply the woman's emotional state which led her to think and behave irrationally… it couldn't possibly be anything that the men were doing… or more often the case, not doing.

They play dumb… they insist that women read into too many things… and that they couldn't possibly understand what it is that women really want.

While I agree that the inner workings of a man's brain can be simple, where a women's brain is more complex when it comes to matters of interpersonal relationships… this does not mean that understanding what a woman wants is impossible.  Perhaps if men were more honest with themselves about their own fuckedupness, about the mixed signals they send about wanting the women in their lives to be their wives, mothers and whores simultaneously, women's fuckedupness wouldn't seem so fucked up.  If women believed that men were being honest with them, it would greatly reduce the uncertainty and therefore the irrationality. 

A female friend of mine and I were recently discussing her current relationship problems with a man who she felt was not as into her as she was into him began to question her own sanity… fearing to be labeled one of those irrational women if she tried to bring up the issues that were weighing heavy on her mind and her heart.  The only piece of advice I could give her was that if she tried to broach the issues with him and he accused her of being too irrational… ask him if he thought whether or not he was being too rational and see where the conversation went from there.

******** ADDED January 10 in the morning********

I just want to make clear that this blog is not intended to be a man-bashing piece... well except for maybe those men who manipulate women and use sex as a power tool to boost their own ego... but I am not anti-man or trying to say that "all men are pricks"... and I am sorry if anyone interprets it that way. 

So far every woman I have talked to about this has experienced the same frustration when they are labeled "crazy" or "irrational" for being confused and uncertain in love, so I think that if offense is taken to this, than it is offense of a more general social phenomena... which is not only experienced by me, but by many many many women...

The thing is, that I've recently realized about myself that I am an emotionally needy woman... I've always prided myself as not being one of those "high-maintance women" but that perspective has been shattered with recent events... I don't want to be emotionally needy, and this blog  is me trying to be honest about my feelings when it comes to all this shite... and trying to figure out some stuff along the way... I hope that this piece doesn't evoke anger and hurt feelings and hostility, rather I hope one might read it and being able to find some element of truth in it, or giving men some perspective into what women feel when their emotional states are dismissed as "crazy" or "irrational"... dismissals which can be more damaging than helpful, and often come off as trivializing the confusion and pain many women experience as they try to deal with this whole "love" thing.

I think that it's easy to get angry when we feel like we're being attacked when others point out qualities of our personality that we don't fully understand ourselves... but this piece was not, necessarily meant to be an attack... it was a desperate plea to be understood, and for men to start recognizing and accepting that their own behaviour is confusing to women, and perhaps they shouldn't be so quick to dismiss women as crazy when it comes to these issues that appear to be widespread. 

"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute." - Rebecca West

Currently reading : How Proust Can Change Your Life: Not a Novel By Alain De Botton Release date: 28 April, 1998

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4:12 PM - Smoking... Xmas... and Processed Foods...
Category: Blogging

Some things on my mind this evening....

Smoking... fucking smoking.  I *really* can't afford to smoke anymore.  Health benefits be damned... if I haven't quit for that yet, I probably won't.  I still enjoy smoking though.  I actually have been enjoying it now more than ever.  Chain- smoking... in fact I want to light a cigarette right now............................  And about half way through my mouth will start to taste gross and my throat will start to get scratchy... and I'll butt it out in my ashtray in disgust.  10 minutes later, I'll relight the butt and repeat the process two more times.

I need a replacement activity...

Xmas... This xmas times are rough... No money, sinking deeper in debt every passing day from that fucking property... just sitting there... not selling.  In any case, I'm used to xmas living in poverty in Canada.  I know who and where I have to call to get assistance... I'm not ashamed of it, it's just the reality of the situation. 

So today I go to a church to pick up a bag of toys for the kids and all the makings for an xmas dinner.  It was saddening to see the amount of people there.  As the lovely church lady volunteer was checking the kid's health cards I say, "Boy this is a busy place."  And she cheerily replies, "Yes... isn't it wonderful."

I looked at her and resisted the urge to say, "Maybe from that side of the desk."  I really wanted to say it... but I was a guest in this woman's house of worship and it is xmas after all.  And, I suspect, from her perspective it was wonderful.  She had the ego-fulfilling job of playing one of Santa's Elves... it is a job that inherently comes with a general sense of do-gooding.  She was feelin' the Xmas Spirit, and who am I to squash that.  If she continues to feel good about it, then she'll keep doing it... and it is a job that needs doing this time of year... Lord Help Us...

I'll be interested to see the statistics from Feed Nova Scotia on the number of families serviced this xmas... I have a feeling the numbers are up.  Hard times in the Maritimes these days.

Fucking smoking...

And finally... Processed Foods... what if our immune systems have evolved so that our bodies, in fact, need artificial flavour and colouring in order to be effective germ fighting machines.

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4:38 AM - You say Tonya... I say Tanya... let’s call the whole thing off
Category: Blogging

I've recently discovered that the name Tanya (pronounced Tan-ya) does not extend south of the border.  The name Tanya in America is actually pronounced Ton-ya... even though it's spelled Tan-ya.  I wonder how widespread this phenomenon is? 

The eastern seaboard is covered in snow... here it's changed over to rain and now as the temperature drops, a sheet of ice on the roads has caused all the schools in the province to shut down.  I'm still waiting to hear if I have to take the long commute into work.

I really want a car...

Xmas is fast approaching.  Living in poverty at xmas sucks the big one.  I used to get freaked out at xmas... but I've let go of most of the guilt associated with obligatory card sending and gift giving.  After two or three years of not engaging in such destructive behaviours, people stop expecting it.  Save a tree, fuck Hallmark, and just throw a snowball at your friends and family on Facebook.

Oh Facebook... how you mock virtual me...

I've become quite addicted to a Facebook app called Human Pets... a rather demeaning past-time where you buy and sell people and send them silly little gifts like pet beer and catnip.  It's absurd... but I keep going back.

In other news... the Nova Scotia government has decided to extend the long arm of the law into the privacy of your car once again.  Starting today, you are no longer allowed to smoke in your car if there is a teenager or child also present.  No word on what happens if there is a smoking teenager in the car... The fine is 300 and some odd dollars... also no word on whether this law will be one of those ones that are enforced.

The new "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie opened at $45 million dollars... good lord...

And finally, the man who abducted East-End Vancouver prostitutes, murdered them, and then fed them to his pigs, was convicted of 6 counts of murder.  There are 20 more charges to come, but no one will really no how many women there were.

News just came in that I have to go to work... single parent-hood is extremely hard.

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4:41 AM - The human and the beast
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I tried to write this blog last night, but it started to sound too ridiculously pathetic that I couldn't finish.  One voice wanted to come out, but there was a louder voice in the room. 

I came to a realization last night.  Although I was vaguely aware of differences and dichotomies within myself, two particular aspects of my personality, the rational and the irrational, duked it out last night like a ping-pong game between my temples, and the irrationale side prevailed. 

Let me explain a little further.

My irrational self is the one that is completely grounded in my confidence (or rather my lack of confidence) and negative emotions.  Sometimes, I try to supress that self.  Actually, I do it a lot.  I do it for good reason, at least I think that it's good reason... I do it because the irrational self is uncertain and full of fear and anxiety. 

My rational self is my intellectual self and is the one that tries to supress the irrational, or emotional self.  It is the one that removes me from experience and always has me set back as the analyser... the rationalizer.  My rational self is so rational that it even rationalizes my indulgence in pleasure and seeks to maximize and accentuate the more postive aspects of irrationality. 

The Internet provides a great platform for my rational self to grow.  And grow it has.  But as it grows and takes over the pleasure and self-indulgence parts of my brain, the paticles of irrationalized emotion left inside manifest into a feeling like I am on a bad trip of speedy acid. 

My friend, Michelle, called me on this duality it in Toronto.  She called me on a lot of things that I'm coming to realize are true during that trip.

"You pretend to be so confident and sure of yourself, but really you're afraid of everything, including new experience," she said to me in a heated arguement... the kind that happens between two people who really know each other.

And as I prepare to embark on the most independent of all of my experiences, I have been fighting back those icky feelings.  The worry about Dave and the kids, the fear of the flight, the status anxiety of the conference, and the financial concerns that the UK is a really fucking expensive place.

I know that I should just fuck off and enjoy this anticipation.  Like a kid at Christmas, the joy, the bliss of a fantastic prize at the end of a long wait.  Because I know that once I get there, and get settled into my independence, I will be fine.  I will be the little social butterfly that I am, and be cheery and be able to instinctually digest those icky feelings and shit them out. 

But fear and anxiety are powerful emotions.  Ones that people have the most difficulty incorporating into their lives.  The difficulty I have is in deciphering when those fears are necessary, or valid, or rational... which makes me fear and be anxious about a lot more than is warranted.  This sense of general fear and anxiety can be a dark and stormy judgement cloud.  But I suppose we all need rain now and then. 

Understanding fear and anxiety is, I think, one of the best ways to achieve personal growth.  Who is more brave than the human who stands up to overcome his or her own beast of burden.  Or better yet, tame and keep it for a house pet.

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11:33 AM - cognitive snippets #10
Category: News and Politics

For anyone who still doubts the existence of the Orwellian state of society, here is one more story to enter into evidence...

Seems as though the heads at McDonalds think that language and definition is open for negotiation and have started a lobby against the OED to change the definition of the word 'McJob', while simultaneously launching a sparkly publicity tour encouraging people to sign petitions to have it changed.  

Bah!

I say, "This is unbelieveable!"

Dave sighs and says, "if only it were."   

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9:42 AM - cognitive snippets #9
Category: Life

I got a phone call from a market research group to find out if I wanted to participate in a focus group and earn $60 for my opinion on "current events", I told her that before I agreed to to it, I wanted to know who, or what the data was for.  She said just a second, and put me on hold and said, "I'm sorry, but we aren't allowed to release the names of our clients."  And I said... "No thank you."

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4:12 PM - cognitive snippets #8

I think I'll stop at 10...

There's actually two snippets in here this beautiful evening...

#8a - I feel really bad for women older than my mom who work at A&W and Tim Hortons... really bad...

#8b - Why is the most common topic of chit-chat the weather?  Give me some non-meterological banter people... I want the best opening chit-chat line...

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