Those who have had the great fortune of knowing your boy understands that if there's one thing I like more than food, movies, useless TV and porn, its gambling. I actually started to put in some research before picking the games so that maybe, maybe I can actually make a little cash. So without futher adieu, here are this week's Fatass' College Football Specials.
UConn at Temple: UC favored by 7 Temple has 21 of 22 starters coming back to a steadily improving program. Plus, they have won four straight against the spread vs. UConn. Pick: Temple
Cincinnati at Oklahoma: OU favored by 21 Another steadily improving program who's also very well coached is Cincy. My Sooners are strong as hell, especially at home. However, this is a measuring stick game for the gutsy Bearcats. OU will prevail, but will know they were in a battle. Pick: Cincy
Marshall at Wisconsin: UW favored by 21 The Herd has turned into the Turd so far in the Snyder era. They are 1-7 ATS as road dogs after a double digit victory the previous week. Wisconsin is too good, are at home, and Marshall's a second rate Conference USA team. Long day for the Herd. Pick Wisconsin
Fatty's two Hostess Cupcake Lock of the Week: Oregon State at Penn State: PSU favored by 16: Here's all you need to know about this game. Oregon State since Mike Riley took over as head coach in 2003 is 0-6 straight up and 1-5 ATS against non conference teams on the road. The last three of those games ended in scores of 34-3, 42-14, and 63-27. No need to change now. Pick: Penn State...easily
Thank you for indulging my gambling addiction and tapping into my vast College Football acumen.
1) So Duchovny's sex addiction is internet porn. Big deal. So the man likes to check it porn more than the average joe. Is that so wrong? What's the guy to do? Thin about it. His wife may be out for an acting gig. He's all alone and has these urges, but doesn't want to commit adultery. So he decides to look at a few sites and take care of his business. Should a man have to go to rehab for that? I don't think so.
Ladies, I'm letting you in on a couple of secrets. 1- We men like porn. Sorry. We are visually stimulated and porn is the answer when you all aren't around. 2- When he's alone, your man probably digs into his old porn stash or fires up the laptop and looks up his go to porn site. I'm sure you can figure out the rest.
It has nothing to do with our feelings for you. Nothing beats the real thing. Every man knows that. However, we fellas have needs and there are times when you all can't or won't fill them. So we turn to alternative measures and get our fix.
Having said that, how much internet porn do you watch to warrant rehab? Damn! I wanna know what site my man Double D checks out that has him jonesing so bad to type one-handed. He strikes me as a bangbros type of guy, though. I'm just sayin.
2) To those who can't figure out why McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin is an instant media sensation, let your Uncle D explain. She's young (44), very smart and successful (Gov. of Alaska), has typical American drama (baby with downs and teenage pregnant daughter), has charisma, and most importantly for us Americans, she's a total MILF. If she were an ugmoe, then she's not in the news, despite her other credentials. Not fair, but appearance matters much more for a woman in this country.
3) I was watching some of the RNC last night, and felt a twinge of sympathy for President Dubya. After serving eight years in office, the poor bastard was reduced to a very short, uninspiring speech, via satellite. It was kind of sad, really. He had that "I'm sorry for being such a fuck-up these past eight years, causing our party's reputation to get pissed on." look on his face.
As a lefty, I've never been one of those who thought the man was the epitome of evil. The guy was a 'C' student who ascended to the Presidency of the United States. How the hell did you think he'd do? Look folks, I'm a 'C' student. Would you want me running the country and deciding who to fight in war? Exactly. 'C' students are able to run a Denny's, maybe a Caracker Barrel, but never a nation of millions. When we elected a Rhodes Scholar (Bubba Clinton), the country was in great shape. When we elect a coke snorting, 'C' level guy to run the nation, you'll have someone who sends our soldiers to the wrong war.
4) Checking out 'Ice Road Truckers' on the History Channel just shows me that there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity. Driving trucks on sheets of ice. You must be outta your goddamn mind. Damn!
5) I know no one watches wrestling but me and about 25 other people. But watching Tony Atlas sporting the sleeveless dress short to show off his guns is priceless TV.
6) If you're wondering why I'm up so late, I drank 32 oz. of Mt. Dew tonight, and shockingly can't go to sleep. I don't really think you people give a shit. But I don't give shit if you give a shit. It's my blog and I give a shit.
Today is the anniversary of us finding out that Kenya had Biliary Atresia. It's no doubt a somber anniversary. I was going to do a long, super sappy, kind of a bummer blog about the happenings on that day. I was until I came to my senses.
This is not a day to be bummed about. It happened, and it was hard as hell, no doubt. One year later though, baby Kenya is, as Elton John sang many years ago, 'Still Standing. Lookin like a true survivor. Feeling like a little kid.'
Today I'm going to reflect on what took place in '07 and the 365 days afterwards. There will be sadness, but most importantly, I will be grateful for Kenya being such a survivor, the support of all of you who took time to pray or give money, and to Aunt Abi, who gave us a gift that we will forever be thankful for.
That my fellow citizens, is something to be celebrated. Happy Anniversary.
Diary of a Fat Black Man: Something I’ve come to understand at my old age.
I've been a parent for over five years now. Despite the fact that my kids, like most, can be tiny terrorrists, I wouldn't trade one second of these years for all the riches in the world. No one said it would be easy raising kids, but its a labor of love that I cherish everyday.
Part of parenthood is sitting down on occasion and watching a show or movie of the rugrat's choosing. You understand that most of these flicks and shows will make you wanna eat a bullet. But if little Junior digs it, then you'll just have to deal. In watching these forms of children's entertainment, I have finally seen what most of you figured out years ago. Most good kids' shows or movie are at their core, creepy as hell and/or a product of a lot of drugs.
Don't think so? Allow a brotha to give some examples.
Exhibit A: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure: Let's see. A grown-ass man lives alone in a house full of boyhood gadgets, rides around in a colorful bicycle (with a horn, I may add), and has the catch phrase "I know you are, but what am I?" Noooooo...nothing creepy about that cat.
Exhibit B: Yo Gabba Gabba: You really need to check this out if you haven't already. The show has a brotha jumping around in an orange suit and some kind of goofy ass hat. The show also features characters named Foofa, and Muno, one of which looks like a red french tickler condom. I shit you not. This freaking thing looks like a tickler. Orange suits and hats, characters name Foofa, a tickler, a robot who seems to be the moral compass, and smiling bubbles. Yep, that my friends, is a brain on drugs. What glorious fucking drugs they must be to come up with an Acid addicts' wet dream.
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Exhibit C: Snow White is a kids movie loaded with murder, or at least the prospect of murder. Plus there are seven midgets living with Snow, and none of them made a move.
Grumpy: Yeah, look Snow. You the lind of honey a drwarf can really get with. How about you and I hang out for awhile, and afterwards, maybe I can hit it.
SW: Grumpy! You horny little shit! No! How can you say that too me?
Grumpy: Well, it works for that knob Duchovny. So I figured, why not me?
SW: Because you're 2'8" you tiny asshole!
Grumpy: Hmm. Obviously a lesbian. Bitch!
Ok, back to my regularly scheduled blogging nonsense.
Exhibit D: The patron saint of kiddie entertainment drug induced creepiness.........Ladies and Gents, I present to you Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That's the original Gene Wilder movie.
Lets see. A weird dude with no family to speak of invites five "lucky" kids to hang out with him in his candy factory for a day.
Not creepy enough?
Ok.
Every time a kid misbehaves, it leads to his/her untimely demise, via the very sweets that gave their taste buds great pleasure. Then after the kids downfall, he brings out a group of singing, green-haired, orange faced midgets to sing about the kid fucking up as a sort of rubbing it in their faces. If that doesn't convince you, then think of the psychadelic boat ride with images of violence in the background and Gene Wilder briefly sings his way into madness. That's both creepy and drugged out.
Have you ever wondered it is that kids' entertainment often goes this route? I have a theory on the issue and have decided to bless you, my adoring peons, with this bit of MySpace genius.
You have to be a bit fucked up in the head to come up with some of the concepts in childrens' entertainment. How else do you come up with Pee-Wee's Playhouse? With the drugs that are obviously involved in shows like Teletubbies (That baby's face in the sun), you'll have shows like Yo Gabba Gabba, HR Puffnstuff, Doodlebops, and the Wiggles. Yeah I said the Wiggles. Come on, Capt. Feathersword, the friendly pirate? Also creepy and drugged out.
Seriously, wouldn't you have to be on something to create ideas for Capt. Kangaroo?
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Theory sounds stupid, eh? Well if you have any better reasons, please send them my way.
In case you didn't know, today is the 50th anniversary of the birth of America's favorite pop singer/black man-turned white woman/alleged pederass, Michael Jackson.
How old does that make you feel?
I still vividly remember MJ doing the moonwalk on stage at the Motown 25 anniversary show in 1983. I was nine and was amazed watching this dude perform a move that I never saw before. Back then, Mike was a God to me.
Nowadays he's best known for sleeping with young boys and "having" kids that look more like Hilter youth than a black man from Gary, IN. That's too bad. To those from ages 30 and up, MJ was not only a star, but THE star in the 80's. The man was larger than life. However, he lost his nose and turned himself into a creepy looking white lady. Not to mention, he named his kid Blanket. What the fuck is that?
Be that as it may, I'm going to give you good people my list of favorite MJ videos. We all a list of favorite songs by Corey Feldman's favorite pop star. So just sit back and remember the time.
5) Beat it Mike, Eddie Van Halen, and the dancing knife fight are just 80's video gold.
4) Thriller Great song, wonderful video, but way overrated.
3) Smooth Criminal Mike in Gangster gear, screaming "Annie! Are you ok?!" What else do you need?
2) Bille Jean Its so high because the song is the best of the 80's. Period. Billie Jean is fantastic.
1) Bad-Better yet, the beginning of Bad Mike gettin all up in Wesley Snipes' grill and saying "You ain't bad!" You ain't nothing!" then breaking out in that gay, 80 zipper leather jacket? How can any MJ video top that?
I heard and read that actor David Duchovny entered a rehab center. The poor guy has an addiction, a disease that's crippling him. I wish him nothing but the best.
Whats the addiction, you ask? Sex.
My boy is being treated for his addiction to pussy. Wow. Poor guy. He has an addiction that won't ruin his appearance or career. It won't land him in prison or put him on skid row. Boo fuckedy Hoo!
What guy isn't addicted to sex? Is this really considered a mental disorder? Really? Then maybe I should go into rehab. You see, I too, loves me some poon. Wah! He gets more hot ass than a Beverly Hills toilet seat. Waah!
I want to be a fly on the wall at Dave's addicts meetings.
"Hi, I'm Dave, and I'm an addict." "Hi Daaaave" "This is very hard for me." Literally " Go ahead, Dave. We're here for you." (Group says yes in unison) " Ummm, I'm addicted to sex." (crickets) " I have to have sex all the time. I mean look at my life. I'm married to a hot actress, gots to tap the ass there. Plus I was the star of X-files with a co-star who was a sweet piece of ass. You know I killed that shit! Now I have a hit series on Showtime where I play a poon magnet. Man, I'm surrounded by pussy. What's a cat to do? You think I'm turning down some 19 yrold hardbodied model? I don't think so! A brotha constantly needs that sweet stink on my hanglow, baby! Why? Because I'm David Duchovny, and you're not!"
Tonight Barack Obama made US History by becoming the first African-Amercian to recieve an official Presidential nomination. I'm not going to do a long blog on this until after the Presidential election in November, no matter who wins.
The reason for this blog is so I can actually see that this is no dream. Obama being the nominee for the Democratic Party is now a reality.
Thank God for College Football. The New American Pastime.
Category: Sports
Tomorrow night another season of college football will begin, and not a moment too soon. Once again, countless citizens will choose to debate this sport's hot topics rather than talk about the Presidential race. Think I'm crazy? Talk to me around the first week of November. I promise you that the folks will have more knowledge about USC, Ohio State, OU, etc., than either Obama or McCain. Not saying that's a good thing. I'm just pointing out what I believe to be true. Reason being that it's easier to wrap our heads around and more fun to debate college football.
Me? I'm chomping at the bit to start watching and betting. Ohio State vs. USC just has me salivating. LSU vs. Florida, Georgia vs. Arizona State, Oklahoma vs. Texas, Auburn at WVU are also on my "Stop everything to watch" list.
Speaking of WVU, I have to ask a favor from my fellow Mountaineer fans. Can you people please, please stop acting like whiny assholes with an overinflated sense of the program's worth? Please. Is it so hard for you to just take a moment and enjoy the unprecedented success?
Moving on. I hate to break this to you, but if Ohio State beats USC on 9/13, then they will roll to the National Title Game for the third straight year. The team is loaded from top to bottom. Their coach is elite. They play in a shitty conference. Plus, in the months of Sept-Dec, OSU is money. But to have any shot at the title, they have to beat USC. Period.
BTW: OSU will not only cover against the Trojans, but win outright. They will be in the title game, probably against either Oklahoma or Georgia. If the SEC champ has two losses, then watch out for Clemson, WVU, or South Florida to sneak in. But if whoever wins the SEC only has one loss, then OSU vs. SEC is a lock.
As last year showed us, however, anything can happen. That's why we love the sport so much. Every game is critical. That's why OSU fan is so bitter at SEC fan for laughing at their Buckeyes. It's why we West Virginians cried in our collective beers when they pissed away a chance at the title at home against Pitt. Its why columnists and talk show hosts get so much hate mail when they have the nerve to pick against their hometown heroes of the college gridiron. Its passion, unchecked, unfiltered, unrelenting passion. No american sport has the rabid fan base like college football. Well, maybe NASCAR.
This may be my worst blog ever. I can't think of anything else to write. I feel like a schmuck. Oh well.
