Pretty much, just an LJ repost.

I thought this was interesting, in hindsight..
(It's old and I hope that y'all aren't too disappointed about the serious tone.)

http://p-bau.livejournal.com/58119.html

6:14 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

10 easy steps to help you become a famous stand up comic!

1) Don't be funny.

Nobody likes someone who reminds them of how untalented they are.

2)  Be beautiful or ugly.

Middle of the road is boring...unless we're talking about your material.  If you're a woman, this goes double.  No one wants to hear your material, bitch.  Show us your tits.

3) Make your material accessible to everybody.

No big words.  Talk about beer,  Skynyrd.

4)  Play the race card.  (Unless you're white.)

If you're not white, mention it.  I f you're black, make sure you make fun of white people.  If you're not black but also not white, make fun of your own race.  (And maybe a couple of others.)  You see, it's okay to make fun of your own race, if you're not white.  Also, it's okay to make fun of any race, if you're black.  If you're not black but also not white, you can pick a couple of races to rib but don't attack them.  If you are white and want to talk about race, you are a racist.

5) Be intolerant of homosexuals.

This will only be funny as long as comics keep dishing out the irrational hatred.  If people start to think that it's okay to be gay, you'll lose all of your best hacky material.  Keep pouring it on!

6) Tow the company line.

No matter how the crowd reacts to your best joke, get rid of it if some piece of shit bar manager asks you to.  They know comedy better than you do.  Remember, they're paying you and you shouldn't have written something that funny, in the first place.  (See step 1)

7) Be a fake person, in general.

Having real opinions and a personality will get you no place.  Brush up on football and rape if you want to get ahead, in this business.

8) Steal material.

There's tons of struggling, hard working comics who don't have a marketable look.  If you take their jokes and add it to your own bland image, you'll make bank!  Current examples can be found by watching certain episodes of Comedy Central Presents.  If you look hard enough, you might even find it happening at your local club courtesy of some lame British dude.  (David Baker)  Heck, you might even get your own show called 'Mind of Mencia'.  Fuck those who work hard to write awesome material.  They're lame.

9) Get in at your local club.

This might require you to be a complete piece of shit.  That club is worth more than a virgin's pussy made of gold and strapped to a copy of 'Action Comics' 1.  Remember to ignore all the friends you had before you were in at the club.  Also, it's a good idea to practically suck the dick of any quasi-famous comics who breeze through town.  Never mind that someone else might want to talk to them.  Being a good comic comes more from an undeserved sense of self importance than it does from craftsmanship.  Who cares that you're only as funny as you were when you first started?  You've worked hard to become the resident toadie and, thanks to years of ignoring all other stages, your skills have not progressed like the hungry, talented comics down the street.  The joke's on them, though.  You know it all boils down to luck and who you know.  Good thing the only thing they know is how to be funny.

10) Give up the notion of loyalty.

No one cares about you.  You might as well act as selfishly as possible because no one has ever gotten to the top by being nice to someone who, later, made it in this business.  Try to sell as many people out as possible.  This will eliminate many possible competitors.  Just grab all possible work no matter how demeaning and don't think about what kind of precedent it might set.  It's okay if someone wants to pay a feature act $35, right?  It's all just business, baby...

Blowin' it...

12:26 AM - 10 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Hack premise, stolen joke, big fake ego.

    A man (Or, a reasonable facsimile of...) walks into a psychiatrist's office.  He ambles to what is, presumably, the patient's intended place of head shrinking and glowers at the floor.

    "Something seems to be troubling you." Said the textbook, I mean, doctor.

    The man looks up at the doctor, or, as close as he can get without making eye contact.

    "Yeah.  Something's definitely wrong.  I can't sleep.  I Can't function while I'm awake.  I feel nothing but ache and sorrow with occasional breaks of numbness and very sporadic moments of happiness.  I play it off well enough to the people I know but nothing seems to bring me the joy and celebration that should be part of life."

    "I see."  Said the ever brilliant doctor.  "I have a temporary cure for you that should brighten your day and give you some perspective on what we call life.  You will certainly be provoked to want to do good things and realize that life is worth living when you see this comedian called P-Bau!  He makes absurd statements about the worst things that society has to offer and can point out the people who don't care about our world by noting who doesn't laugh.  You will probably laugh and realize that you are a caring individual who wants to be good to all people and it is hoped that you will feel better about yourself by realizing that you have love in your heart."

    "Shit."  Said the man.  " I'm P-Bau."

7:04 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

An important word from our sponsor...

Life--  has been brought to you by AOL Time Warner.

"Hey, kids!  Are you sick and tired of boring, predictable idioms like choice, originality, and freedom?  Then put all of your eggs in our basket.  Heck, pretty soon, we'll be your only option! 

Other movie companies make movies that aren't like ours.  Who needs that?  With your help, we can ensure that their films make no money at all!

You have to trust us.  We're the ones who added a little color and ad revenue to the boring, brilliant classic, Mad Magazine.  With your financial support, we'll be able to buy up the few remaining entertainment companies and information brokers. 

Think of the wonderful world we could live in wherein we provide you with all the stimulation you'll ever need!  No too much stimulation, though.  We wouldn't want the poor or the insightful to think there was anything they could do about their environment, would we? 

We're experts at this!  We know exactly how to market certain forms of entertainment and information to what we call 'niche groups'.  In this way, we can cultivate your interest in a culture that we and our fellow conglomerates created without you even knowing!  This allows you to feel a sense of uniqueness, even though you dress and act just like all of your friends!  Cool!

Trust us to provide you with the ultimate in banality.  The truth hurts and we are dedicated to shielding it from you with our friends, organized religion!  Why suffer with the knowledge that all of the power in the world that once belonged to the lowly citizens is slowly being dragged out of your control?

Remember, when you think tyrannical corporate rule, don't think!"

Too heavy handed?  I should have fleshed this out more...but that would have been pretentious.

6:31 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

My Underwear

My shorts have had an average cleanliness level ten times higher than the levels posted in high school.  I attribute this to getting old.  I am almost thirty.  This is very old.

Have you seen my underwear, lately?  It's clean.  Clean because of my age.

11:45 AM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Stealing baby Jesus from your local nativity scene...

...is dumb.  Here's a better idea:  Take the baby Jesus and paint him with a darker skin tone, the way he probably actually would have looked, if he was real.

While you're at it, alter Joseph's face to look pent up and frustrated, the way any human man would look should his bride be giving birth to anyone else's baby.

Actually, let's all agree that we should just ignore the petty, weird cult that is Chritianity and live our lives as sane, caring individuals.

Scratch that.  Let's educate as many people as we possibly can.  Teach them that religion is an unnecessary middle man in dealing with our inability to cope with our own actions, other people's actions, the concept of free will, our immortal souls, (Should they exist.) and the idea that moral grey areas exist.

In fact, why don't we take a good, hard look at all of our government's laws and trace each one back to their religious origins, repeal them, and only outlaw behavior that directly hurts our citizens by way of malicious intent and/or actual hazardous coincidence.  IE:  Drunk driving, often,  carries no malicious intent, yet, is highly dangerous.  On the other hand, selling pot causes many other violent crimes but only because it has been outlawed by an ignorant populace.

We must love violence and cruel acts towards our fellow human beings.

Merry Christmas!

7:20 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Anatomy of a Movie: Disney’s Robin Hood

Actually, just a compilation of highlights from my very favorite Disney movie.

-The Rooster, our narrator, is voiced by Roger Miller who, also, writes some great songs.

-Robin and Little John do drag.

-Robin and Little John steal the gold rims from Prince John's ride.  (Yes.  This actually happens.)

-Chicken cleavage.  (Again, indisputable fact.)

-Maid Marian pledges undying love to a man she has never kissed.  Then, vice/versa.

-A character is referred to as "long one".

-Honest to goodness 70's chase music.

-A brief pie fight.

-Academy award nominated song: "Love".

-Robin is cockblocked by several friends with song and dance routine.

-Prince John, (Henceforth, to be referred to as "PJ".) imprisons the entire town of Nottingham.

-Robin and Little John decide that "heist/jailbreak" sounds cooler than
plain ol' "jailbreak".

-King Richard shows up, Robin and Marian are married.  PJ and his cronies end up bustin' rocks.  Deus ex machina.

Awesome.  I still love this movie, after all these years.

11:14 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Courtney Love’s vagina...

Courtney Love's vagina...

...can see the future but cannot tell anybody their fate.

...also goes by "Nessy".

...is a bad- "Shut your mouth!" But I'm talkin' 'bout Courtney Love's vagina! "Then I can dig it."

...knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

...was responsible for the cancellation of "Sports Night".

...is mistakenly worshipped by small, aborigine tribes as a deity.

...tastes like shit, way too filling.

...replaced pestilence as the fourth horseman of the apocolypse.

...has been fucked thirteen times as of the end of this sentence...fourteen.

...can be seen in photographs of the grassy knole on november 22nd, 1963.

...was described by G.G. Allin as being "nasty".

...can't smile, can't rap, and it hates Bubble Tape.

...looks like a catcher's mitt for someone who is twelve feet tall.

...shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

...has seen more action than a Jon Woo movie.

...looks like a parachute that opened after the guy hit the ground. Dead body and all.

...is the deadlier of the species.

...ate at Old Country Buffet.

...has only one side, like a moebius strip.

...looks just like the view from the Millenium Falcon as it goes into hyperspace

...is actually convex.

...is covered in small puncture scars from high heels tripping on it.

...has a writing credit on the last Hole album

...played Hedora in the 1971 film Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster

...is actually quite cute and fuzzy, until it pulls off the mask and devours your face.

...played Shelob's web in Lord of the Rings.

...fucks you.

...is drying up faster than the Aral Sea.

...frequenly says, "Feed me, Seymour!"

...chews cud.

...is Vivid's worst-selling sex toy, ever.

...is the summer home of Puxatawney Phil.

...is the only thing in nature that a shark fears.

...would be the ultimate place to base-jump

..."Ride the Ducks!"

...is more jagged and bloody than the back of Kurt's skull.

...is a breeding ground for Mynocks.

...contains the following items: a jack-in-the-box, a robot dinosaur and a giant penny.

...was used by James Cameron as a soundstage to film "The Abyss"

...FEMA's worst nightmare

...ate Boba Fett

...has had more one-nighters on it than a Tribble run

...tie a ball of string to the entrance so you can find your way back out.

...is where Indy hid the Ark of the Covenant.

...is where we will go to rebuild our society when the giant asteroid hits.

...is the only man-made object that can be seen from space.

..."Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves!"

...Evel Knievel looked at it and said "No fuckin' way."

...has just been selected to host the 2016 Olympic Summer Games!

...knows 37 different ways to kill a man unarmed.

...has 50 cubic feet of storage space.

...can recite pi to the 73rd decimal point.

...has swallowed up more men than the Bermuda Triangle.

...is now accepting applications for a toll-booth operator.

...was named a "Hot Zone" by the CDC

...at one time was so polluted that it caught on fire.

...was the winning entry to rename the Tunnel of Love at Seattle's new GrungeWorld theme park.

...has been thrown up on more than the bathroom floor at CBGB's

...at one time drew more visitors to Seattle than the Space Needle.

...contains more un-eaten crust than a dumpster behind a Pizza Hut.

...in an emergency, can be used as a floatation device.

...made Han Solo remark "And I thought they smelled bad...on the OUTside."

...killed the dinosaurs.

...makes 2 Live Crew seem less dirty by comparison.

...is rough and tough with it's afro puffs.

...fights crime when not being filled by rock stars.

...can lift over fifty times it's own weight.

...has several moons. The largest, of which, can be seen on a clear night.

...makes it's own gravy.

...was the stand in for Unicron in the Transformers movie. It is also voiced by Orsen Welles.

...is the cheese that goes "crunch!"

...fought the combined might of The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, The Hulk, and Willie Lumpkin to a standstill.

...is a Scientologist.

...has night vision.

...never strikes in the same place twice.

...once ate 43 hot dogs in 5 minutes.

...was originally cast opposite Chuck Norris in the movie "Sidekicks".

...killed Kurt Cobain.

... has it's own course requirement for gynecologists.

... gives silly putty a bad name.

... is open from seven to seven like Seven Eleven.

...died so that others may live.

...was sent here to kill Sarah Conner.

...is receiving disability checks from the government.

...is the source of government cheese.

...was once thought to be able to sing. Turns out it was lip-synching.

...has a cloaking device (aka big hairy bush).

...bears the inscription: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter.

...has seem more discharges than the San Francisco unit of the California National Guard

...has the same hairstyle as Dave Pirner (circa 1996)

...houses a smaller vagina that can spring out and explode through your chest.

...can only be killed with a silver bullet.

...has more razor bumps than Edward James Olmos' face.

...has pulled more trains than Amtrak.

...draws visitors from all over the world to marvel at its famous "Stalac-pipe" organ!

...has to be sandblasted for graffiti once a month, just like the subway.

...is more commonly known as her "front-butt."

...was shot trying to escape.

...is still more photogenic than her face.

...secretes a neurotoxin from it's talons to paralyze it's prey.

...can burp "The Star Spangled Banner".

...gets 22 miles to the gallon(city).

...has an event horizon.

...has developed a resistance to most antibiotics.

...can tear a phone book in half.

...was classified by a Federation survey team as being "Class J" (google that one if you have to)

...eats corn-on-the-cob typewriter-style, just like it saw in a cartoon.

...is where One-Eyed-Willie hid his ship.

...is at risk of collapsing under its own weight.

...is so big that Sir Mix-a-Lot rapped about it.

...keeps running around screaming "More Input, Stephanie!"

...don't eat meat, but sure likes the bone.

...is drunker than courney love.

...faked it's own death to keep courtney from abusing it.

...doesn't care about black people.

...is that lone cougher in a large auditorium.

...gives babies raspberries on their bellies.

...says "chillaxin'" an infuriating amount of times in conversation.

...imposes it's will on the opposing team.

...sustains itself by feeding on the blood of others.

...is calling from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!

...has enhanced healing powers and adamantium claws

...can be rebuilt! We have the technology. Better than it was before. Better, faster, stronger!

...is also nicknamed "The Big Bopper".

...has a chewy nougat center.

...can swallow a pig whole, slowly digesting it over the next few weeks.

...has more leaks than the CIA.

...has become self aware.

...is so dense, not even light can escape it.

...draws its strength from our yellow sun.

...tried unsuccessfully to overthrow the Cuban government.

...has a Surgeon General's warning.

...expands to twice its normal size when scared.

...can be used as a Stargate

...can take down an elephant at 50 yards

...can only sleep standing up

...was replaced for 3 seasons by Dick Sargent

...does not cast a shadow

...has its own standing army

...last erupted in 1980, killing 57 people

...is made of lightweight, space-age plastic

...has a wingspan of over 8 feet

...has kept Ra's al Ghul alive for centuries

...will fight Scott Hansen's Gunt in the next issue of Ultimate Avengers

...can neither be created nor destroyed

...is controlled and voiced by Frank Oz



Contributing writers:
Craig Allen
Me (Patrick Ryan)
Bill Young
Justin Ceaser
Keith P.  (I forget how to spell his last name.)
minniethemoocha (My cool LJ friend.)

9:32 AM - 9 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Flowers For Algernon

flowrz 4 algenn wuz a boook aboot a guye hoo wuz rel dum and then he gots xpeeramenttet on and suddenly became smarter.  This captivating story follows Charly's ascent to genius level intelligence in the form of his journal and, then, his heartbreaking descent into beeen a stoopid man agenn.  charlee wuz dum at the end, the end.

9:43 AM - 10 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Please help.

My friend, Angelo, thinks he is swashbuckling butt kicker Ash from the Evil Dead 'thrillogy'.  His recent antics have delighted, embarrassed, and terrified his friends and family.

Recently, at a local Perkin's, he asked me to give him some sugar.  Shortly thereafter, he grasped the back of my head with his super strong metal hand and took from me copious amounts of 'sugar'.  He then referred to our server as 'she-bitch' and refreshed her on the wisdom of shopping smart, shopping S-Mart.  After several attempts at explaining to the manager about his boom stick, we were forcibly ejected from the premises and politely asked to gain carnal knowledge of ourselves.

Angelo has traded in his Subaru WRX for an Oldsmobile Delta, chainsawed some of his neighbors, and has foolishly recited summoning verses from the Necronomicon.  After breaking his promise to end this silliness, he informed me that his vow was just what he calls 'pillow talk, baby'.

If you see him, DO NOT engage him in combat.  DO NOT attempt to swallow his soul.  Most importantly, DO NOT hail to the king.  Please help in returning our friend to the real world where he is not Ash but, instead, Elmer J. Fudd who owns both a mansion and a yacht.  Thank you.

9:35 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment