its a wolf

your thinkinf of a different movie. whered oyu fin dhte picutere?

table tennis.

brians feet still smell and my car is stalled out. a few blocks down the street..my car is dead. i had to say..god, if this si the end of my car..im realy gign to cry. my buddy. what amazing adventures. maybe i can ggget it towed to school.so i can at least keep it as a place to sleep for now....10:25..listening to guru guru and im so bloated cuz i drank too much milk.

i dont believe you.

 iv been weraing this grey sweater for so long now. my new job is going to be nice a nd smelly. the one young boy is really friendly for being..hmm..

i think he is schizophrenic. anyhow, its going to be a strange job.the moon hangs over the headwrap.

and i still think that you should lift it up.

oh, a bunch of the foto gradutaes..at the scool...school..openign last night it was. it was. it ws nice to see their smiley faces. i was so drunk, i should have talked to them more. my neck hurts from the futon. i love waking up in the studio block. the hot air during the night.

when the lady..or man comes in 4 in the mornign to change the trash bags...god. that place is turnign to real shit these days..even worse then a few years ago. dammit. the almight dollar. hooray. i cant do this. i need to just buy a big van, and not have to live in a box, in the same area, for a signed contract...its not real.

once you see yourself through the gas box..the footnote is begging..begging you..to lift it up. my der. dear.

here. hare. here.

i saw this painting that said...something around the lines of..yeah, your anarchist if you shop at walmart..it made me laugh.it was at the opening.

great music, at the end of the night. some crazy long haired guy banging this large metal bell...and others ..trombone..loud crashign sounds, and oliver playing bass with this top hat...it was ummm..i was drinking hot chocolate and watchign everyones faces. they were sweaty, red and happy. i wantd to dance. but im not free...sometimes. it happems. nbut sometiems i just like watching people.

thats why i get scared of people watching me..cuz the way i watch people..is not okay..well..its okay fo rme..but i dont want to be..maunbe i do want to be watched...but im afraid to feel goodness...like my father. he praches preaches and then he...he...is too afraid to live his dream...to...well ive got somethign to say....i own this bar! we'll buy the whole lot of you!

pickled?

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pubescent lord of gory petal headed shrew.

and rushing to the water tepid dawn of honor the battle. the battle. the cottage i specifically told you not to place into my bed. im not a wealthy man.  not having tv or internet at home i cant keep track of certain things. being at grammas theres so much to catch up on. then i wonder why it matters, when the ideally ideal iihate the ideal but my ideal, no tv or internet. just a van i can sleep in and park wherever i want to live for that day. my stomach hurts cux i keep wearing tights under my pants, and then i wonder why my stomach hurts. the window is humming and i cant read the smudges. its kind of like 'the sacrifice'..me and eric watched 8 minute sof it. tarkovsky. ive never seen it..wittyandthennonethelessapubescent lord of gory petal headed shrew.

its..ss...i know its tuesday. in a few hour si have to wake up and get my taxes done. then to calarts.is it going to rain again tomorrow? i always want to spell it

tomarrow.when i type it in a text message it always auto spells it wrong then i remember its with an 'o'.

havent really been remembering many of my dreams, the lsat few weeks. thats not true, intirely. dad got out 'the gods must be crazy'. i just pu ton a julip mask,,,,,,its jamies. oh dear, richard the III.

so, im down south. my dream to make it to sf ..can only happen if i take a certain action.yay. time to catch up. lucy keeps fuking farting it smells like beheaded rat nests.

piru. piru.

kitties?

god i have to fix all my cameras, i cant even take fotos or take video, im so miserable i feel like i cant do anything. then i just realize, thanks to robert, that i can always be creating. just because i dont have the devices i need to create what i want, doesnt mean i cant create with other types.o f. hmm. yeah.robert. robert.

if you see the hills, run the other way. its time to take a shower. mom and i sat in their bathroom-dads studio, where he plays guitar and smokes endless cigarettes next to the tiny stand up shower-talked about options. talked about storage units. the stand up bass. craig furgeson. ilove mom so much. talked about, cutting down on certain things that weve come accostumed(eh, the spelling oh no) to keeping a part of our routine.

thanks lucy, for the fart again. i wonder if no one will hire me cuz they check my blogs somehow and see that i wrote 'fuck'. no. im just tired. and lucy really keeps farting alot. older big dogs have suck sick gas.

its been really amazing, to realize that peopel i wnet to school with at calarts,who i neer really got to know, and now i feel i have the chance to ge to knwo them, theyre all such amazing people. andits funny how i get so sullen and stubborn, only spending time with certain people with whom ive already established as my friend...then i dont give a chacne to others. who are really wonderous creatures. a mighty stew. what am i even writing abotu now?

mom or dad just came in through the back door. moom?

oh, its dad?? he camt hear well, and i keep calling his name, so i think its dad. or, its jamie? nooo...hmm.eh.

dad gave me and jamie 20 nbucks today. i bought yogurt, bagels, granola, pomegranite juice, carrots, apples, pieces of poopies.the door creaks, a familiar creek. i lived here for 4 years. its funny. how a time is over. and ts really, just, over.

sorry, i thought you said 'had i killed king richard'.

peasants count only in the event of a tie.so there you go! no . no. no.

Currently reading : Concluding Unscientific Postscript 1 : Kierkegaard’s Writings, Vol 12.1 By Soren Kierkegaard Release date: 15 April, 1992

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zevleibt
Current mood: releasethepenfrommycrotchyousoftlightnevertouchesm

god i cant remember what i dreampt about last night but when i was looking for coffee filters i got this warm flash inside my palms and saw a wet windsheild. im using  nose picking for the last time tonight . and im just goign to have to let you go let you go let you gobutikeepscratching,mybeardtopulloutthepastwhichwillalwaystakemeawayfromherethefoldersaysinspireconfidence

butwedontdothatdowewehideourtruethoghtsbeccausewedontwantto

hurteachotherbutifeellikewereallpussiesandjustareafraidofdealingwithconsequencesoftellingthetruthabouthowwefeelaboutsomeonesometh

NgimwearingayellowshirtandtheroomherereeksofcatpissSobadlythaticantevenenjoymycoffee

zev ze lite lite lyteiruineverythingitsnotmyfaultwellactuallyitisijustcantstopmyselffromloveingsomeoneitdoesntevenmatterwho itisreallyjustthefactthatimpulsatingforthepleaseuresofdetailwatfchingwatchingyouitsamudformyfeetwheniawakeistepoffthestonesanddropmylegsontoa

quitebutterysurfaceandyourenergyistehreandsoisyoursanditdoesntmater

            theres a jacuzzi here in this fancy complex where i overnight with a cat and a dog named..***nard. the only dvd i found here was the sixth sense and i hate the crap out of that 'movie'. echhh it really upsets me           when i drink coffee my back goes dumb for a second.

or maybe thats cuz the other night we all made some mushroom tea, two nights in a row. the second night i was hallucinating pretty hard and went into the kitchen where i was breathing with the black leaves outside the window above the sink my insides were balooning my skull. i tried showing robert what was out the window and he got confused..it was pretty funny/finnish films are hard to find..i can never find any. beckies here. everything is possible now. no expectations. just..becki and i need to talk about many things.

the shift. im struggling with the shift and my pants have a giant hole

in the left ass cheek. kits relaly its really great cuz i keep forgetting to change my pants and the hole keeps getting bigger. and the dog walks, mornings nights afternoonnnnnnMOOON(its the new moon as well, last week right?) people can see it. hope i dont get taddled on by the elder neighborlees of this oceanitus complex.             hot tobbble..oh gobble! turkies..i mean turkeys turket. i wish i could write by hand and hav eit on here. i could scan papers. god, i wrote by hand the other day and it must have been a week since d written a 5 page journal entry and it felt lovely. im so confused. and its all coming togetheratthesametime.

zevleibt

Currently listening : The Doldrums By Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti Release date: 12 October, 2004

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diarrhea wheaties
Current mood: baked

wow, im soo baked, so i just imagined

Currently listening : La Dusseldorf By La Dusseldorf Release date: 27 October, 2005

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Thinking back on OBE
Current mood: sneezy
Category: sneezy Dreams and the Supernatural

when i get this sick i tend to try and not take any type of medication. it often allows me to reach a better state of pain, which then allows my mind to distract itself from my body, and i am in a pure lucid state. being in this state today has reminded me of past OBE(out of body experiences), which occured over 4 years ago.

my first OBE was when i was 7 i think. i was jumping up and down on my parents bed, i cant remember if we were living in nevada, the valley, or valencia. its all too long ago for me to recall. but as i was jumping my body became warm. it was when we had just gotten back from church. my mom had left the room when suddenly i reached this strange meditative state of the jumping, and blacked out, but then was watching myself from the foot of my parents bed. when i came to i was lying flat on my back on the bed and i thought that jesus was inside of me.

next i was 17, lying on my bed in my old room at my parents house in santa clarita. my father had told me to read the bible more so that i may reach a level of peace. i think i was upset because my acne was really bad and i was depressed. i picked up my bible and began to read. it was a section about the phrase 'maranatha' which means 'come lord' or something to that extent. i wrote out 'maranatha' on my wall to the right of my bed with thick black charcoal pencil. i put the book down and began to say over and over in a whispered sigh 'maranatha, maranatha' over and over until suddenly i blacked out and was floating about 6 feet from my bed. i was lying flat in the air and looked down below me and saw my sleeping body. when i realized this my body violently fell back into the bed, and i woke up. i looked at the clock, only 2 minutes had passed, but it felt like i was up in the air for 10 minutes. i looked at myself in the mirror and i was drenched in sweat and my pupils had completly filled my eyes.

The third and last time i can recall having some type of OBE, was two years later. i was 19, and dating Jaryd at the time. he had just switched rooms with his older brother Craig, so he was downstairs now by the laundry room. i was to go over to his house that night, and was excited cuz he wanted to rearrange his room. but later in the night i had called him to say that i couldnt make it cuz i was packed with hw or something of the same relevance. that night i had a dream that i walked into his room. i opened the door and the bed was to the left of the room but inthe center against the glass closet doors. the comfortor had footballs on it, and i laughed. on the floor was a white plush rug, from the wall hung a gun, as well as a large birdcage above a dresser in the right hand corner of the room.  i leaned down next to the bed and lifted up the comfortor and saw Jaryd lying there green and ill. and then i awoke and it was the next morning. that day i showed up at his house. as i entered in through his room every single thing was identically placed to how it was in my dream. the football blanket, the gun, the rug, the cage, and Jaryd layed there in his bed and the first thing he said to me was "baby, im so sick.".

and that was the last time i had an OBE. im hoping to begin meditation again, in order to reach these levels of consciousness more often. has anyone else had these experiences?? id really love to know about them.

thats all for today. ill try and upload some graduation fotos from the calarts ceremony. now its time for the shoot, adn then jamie moves to sf this weekend.

night!!

7:49 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh and you think its funny
Current mood: kaltes klares wasser??

And today we shall begin with the ringing of many bells!!!



well, maybe not. my request cannot be met. i mean i have a bell in which i can
ring myself, but whats the use in that?? the sun is going down behind the mountains,
to hide his dirty face for the night. fortunately i am alone by myself in this house.
so what are my thoughts..Jeremy came over the other night.
He did some mighty nice juggling, while I played the accordian.

ahh, silly mcyeremy.

Hmm..it has been a while since ive last written in an entry. October..5 months. yikes. Heres Justin and Kitties, on a bed full of food and peices of paper.
what was it again, candy and peanuts??





Brian, the next door mentally disabled neighbor, is screaming out front of my window. "..Dammit, don't say that, Fuck you!!...(angry mumbling, a car pulls out
from the driveway." His voice trails off into the wheels scraping against the cement,
trying to turn out...someone must have washed their car earlier today..theres that
long wet path that lies stale and continues down the road.
Okay, here come the absurdities. I belive this is the SFAI night. god, was that
a nauseating lecture. but we had a good time once everyone left the building.




Firstly, on my roof. dirty feet. an hour ago.




no one knows the boundaries that must be crossed in order of the
steve martin movie night...



A few of these are from when Justin and I went up to Oregon and around
Northern California. Then possibly a few mixed in of silly nights outside of that
trip.




Yeah, like this one. This was two night back. once again a fine example of what
will sometimes occur if Jamie and I stay up till 3am smoking bowls and watching
British Comedies. Oh yeah, and of course, Robert makes an appearance.












And back to Portland...silly gumbles reveals his delicate secret...it is lovely
to dance like a loon in the park of a cold, dead city. Justin.



Damn my wooden head!!
This is also what happens when I stay awake untill god awefull hours of the night/morning.



Brians yelling outside again. oh, we all want to hear your beautiful angry voice.
it would be a major sin to "bop bop bop ba..bop bop bah bah"..but Glen and Bessie are not heros. thats the entire misunderstanding.

A white river gorge sounds nice, i almost drove up the 126W, instead of coming home. it was perfect, i didnt really have to come home. but then i realized all i have is 8 dollars, and 1/2 tank of gas. which means id have to turn around shortly, and be short on gas over the week. hmm, its nice to hear the screaming along with the crickets. no, just it doesnt bother me much. its almost comforting and yeah familiar and lovely to hear his words being projected out from an area i am not allowed to enter.
"Okay im sorry...Im sorry!! :Let me talk to her....Oh and you think its funny...your going in for song and marriage..."

Okay. Some fotos from a few openings at CalArts, the last few weeks.

Casey and I, the silly midnight Gnomes.




Euuboop??



This was a really great puppet show  a few weeks back.
this is Martian.

Currently listening : Compiled 1981-1984 By Malaria! Release date: 01 January, 2004

6:58 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

FOTOS-Here Come the Windy Nights
Current mood: Slappy
Category: Slappy Art and Photography

So to be begin..11:07pm. The crickets are really loud tonite. But overall, everything is very quiet. Jamie is back from the Hospital. I don't even know how to really accept the fact that she might not even be here. But for some strange and amazing reason she survived the accident. I got back from the hospital this morning. I didnt want to leave her, but I had to get some actual sleep. Im just so greatful...God, if there were a word for how I feel....just, she's alive and I cant belive that it would have been that easy to lose her. I really cant even begin to imagine what it must have been like for her, to experience that.

Alright, so photos. okay.

Dark Morning light(Tori,Justin,Kitties,Me)

A few from up in the silly mountains of the park in Newhall. The cactus trail, where Becki and I had our foto taken a few years back. Whispers of the past haunted my perception of our surroundings.

A few from our campout in the backyard here.

Some New Photos

Silly Breakfast Shoes:

-Sprinklers and Spaghetti at 5am

Yep, I'm still awake.

Before all of this, Jamie and I had gotten massively baked and started another Peanut Factory Episode,inspired by our present viewing of Kids in the Hall.  But being so chived, it was really overwhelming, so Jamie passed out, as you can see up above. Then I went outside and filled a bunch of condoms with water, and did this practice for a Video peice that I want to do. These are the documents of before, during and after.

I was popping the filled condoms above the ground, and recording the sound of the water and material as it hit the cement.

Hmm..now what?Ive got to take the time to upload some videos on here.I wish that this werent myspace, its so trendy. maybe theres another outlet, thats less known or viewed by just any person imaginable. plus, someone could just type in your name and find you here, and then decide from your page whether or not to hire you. plus its just too trendy.

I have a show coming up the 16th of November. Invites are coming soon.

Im not sure what to do now. I could eat something, put on a film..or Father Ted......or stare at the computer for a few hours.

11:49pm

Currently listening : Spoke By Calexico Release date: 12 August, 1997

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Essenszeit: Oktober 4 2006

der Gemuse Sandwich

meine essenszeit ist sehr schmackhaft.

beruhigen Sie sich doch (i'm trying to practice)

10:08 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

thursday
Current mood: watching pink panther cartoon

this is my last week at grammas. the last 4 years of this life, are over.

today i did something i havent done, the entire 4 1/2 years ive been at calarts. i stayed out of my studio and didnt go home after class. i walked around the school, and met new people, and spent real time with them and others which i befriended last semester,(yet never took the time to get to know). it was incredinble, to realize there are amazing people, i just have to be patient, and not so anxious.

i found a wallet with a horse in it.

here are some fotos of last week. i dont sleep anymore.

Pat, me, Jamie at 1st Opening at school

3am at mom and dads-Peanut Buttery Stoneyness after the opening

i miss this person alot

im getting this tattoo saturday

its a terrible foto rendition, and is only 1/2 o the entire thing.

i miss this person as well

this is my favorite picture of jamie

well, goodnite. tomarrow i get to hang out with jeremy and ryan.

1:45am

1:20 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dialogue-Photos
Current mood: Chived like laughing children on swings

It's always awkword (hmm..how do you spell that?) how everyone responds to their environment. not their immediate one, but their pub

lic and social surroundings. If I could only turn around, and be in a place i havent seen in years..I believe that I would be so much happier. But...of course distrout. After Id realized thatI would have to live through it all again. but its so calming and thrilling at the same time. To have that place in my mind, on video, and through my work. How does everything that i talk about revolve around my life? because, its the one im experiencing. and im writing in an entry box, that is designed to be filled with words button noises.

Once again, i site here in the late hours of all my days, at my parents house, in my old room. I just scraped the last of my pipe and smoked it all away. I chaffed and chagged my throat. I just finished eating some soy peach yogurt. it was mighty refreshing. I have to open the window, the trains going by again.

I worry about too many things now. How old do I look, how old do i feel..how old am I in numbers? Im not looking for any answers.  im losing track of my feelings. in a way though, im purely and pathetically emotional. i just have a hard time believing or feeling anything positive and pure. what i felt before, and believed befreo, i talk about it all now, to friends in conversations..and im empty. im saying these things that i was once connected to, but amidst all of the stress, things going on, money, place to live, food, doctors, school, EUUUBOOOP!!!! im really alright. i have to stop myself among my misery and just mumble outloud in my car..." jesus, what am i doing. im alright."

jamies in sf. justin lives there now.i feel as if my dreams are further away now. i stretched myself so far for too long, and not even for myself, for others. and ive lost myself in that. my energy to do things is gone at the end of a day of work, errands, or talking to distressed family and friends. i dont regret anything. nor am i angry at anyone. i just want myself back. thats all.

oh! what i was goign to say, when i was in the kitchn at the beginning of this entry, was this..heheeh.

and it makes no sense now. its just mindless thoughts. a video camera is not a computer, because i couldnt take the computer in the kitchen with me, and record my thoughts and movements. phones are very distracting. on speakerphone, theres more a perspective on the topics that are being discussed or whatever. my outside environment becomes a part of my conversatiuon with someone who is not physically there. but then when i have the phone up to my ear, its more personal, and intense. you dont really pay much attention to whats around you as much as you would, on speakerphone. that was a long sentence.

i think im goign to try the strawberry soy yogurt now. bleach my hair, take a shower, and go to sleep finally. light-headed. dizzy. oo. im okay. just need some juice. peach juice. ahh. ooh. ryan. dammit.

1:22 AM

I bought a condom.

.....................

I couldn't resist.

Currently watching : Father Ted - The Complete Series 2 Release date: 05 March, 2002

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