Dreams Do Come True or A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes
Current mood: confused
Category: Blogging

so i had a dream this morning and in it were 4 guys that were representations of 6 different guys i have had some sort of relationship with over the past 3 years.

there was an odd string of seemingly harmless events that occured leading to:

bachelor number one trying to kill me in a homicidal rage!

bachelor number two was just a friend that i worked with that i saw earlier that day.

bachelor number three was there while number one was trying to kill me but, just stood idly by with his friend.

and bachelor number four, the one i thought i was dating, did save me but, i found him in bed with another girl when i ran to him for help.

and all of this happened at my house in San Antonio.

......................

question mark

....................

12:44 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

And there it is
Current mood: ashamed
Category: Friends

Have some time and a few thoughts on my mind.
Thoughts about my friends and the people in my life.

I have always tried to be a good friend. I often times feel I come up short though.
Mainly when I think about those friends that I have let slip away.
I do understand that people and circumstances change and often times those people were there at that time in your life for a reason and they are why you have progressed in life, even if it meant they got left behind.
And if they are/were truly a friend they'll always be understanding of that fact and accepting and supportive throughout your life; no matter how far apart you drift.

I like to believe that I don't use and/or take advantage of my friends.
Anyone who knows me very well knows that I have a hard time asking for help and favors. I feel like a burden when I do. Of course none of my friends actually make me feel this way, it's just my own perception. .

I am always willing to be there for my friends when they need me, to help them with something or to be someone for them to talk to. I am usually pretty accommodating. I'll drive the extra miles, sleep a little less at night, spend a little more, give in any way I can, because I care about them and want to take care of them. Because, a bit selfishly, I like to feel needed and helpful.

But there have been those times when I feel some people take advantage of this fact. They only step into my life when things aren't going well for them, when they need help or when they feel all their other friends have abandoned them. And as willing as I am to help them through the tough times I don't only want to be a crutch. Someone you use to help get you by and then store away until you need help getting by again. I also want to share in the good in their lives.

I realize that I am also to blame for this type of situation. I let our relationship reach this point. I kept making excuses for you. I believed that things would change. I kept letting you get away with it and always let you come back; no consequences, no questions asked, and unconditionally.  ….   

And, let's be honest, it will happen again.

Because I want to be your friend. A good friend.

Because I still believe in you and that we are really friends …. And that someday I'll be able to come to you and that you'll let me in.

Or maybe because I know that as long as you're around, and things aren't going so well, that I'll always have someone who needs me.

So, maybe, I am using you too. Maybe this is what our friendship is…no consequences, no questions asked, unconditional…

And there it is.

I hope I've never left anyone feeling the way I feel now - used, blind and gullible.

I hope that if you consider me your friend that I've not used you badly. That I've let you share in all of the bad and the good.

~ Camille ~

8:22 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

what a difference a day makes

So, it's August.
Feel like I need to let you know what's going on. (whoever you are...)
Lots has happened this year, mostly just since since April.
Quit my job, got a new job, quit that job, got a newer job.
My job now is very nice and I'm liking it.
I decided to try to be a teacher. Maybe I'll end up liking it.
I took a summer certification course.
I passed my 4-8 Generalist test and will be taking my EC-12 Theater test tomorrow.

Let's see...what else....
I've learned, and continue to learn, a lot of valuable lessons about myself (and others) this year.
I've learned who and what is most important to me.
I've learned my place and role in other people's lives.
I've learned that my faith is more important to me than I ever realized.
I am learning how to let go of things and people who are not meant to be in my life. To move on from the past, to not let it hold-or pull- me back.
I am learning how to not sell myself short. Not to settle, not to compromise on the important things.
I am gaining the strength and confidence to go after my dreams and goals.

I've had a lot of doubts... scary, insecure moments... heartache...
But I've also had fun and have grown.
The year is not over. I can't even imagine what will come next for me but, I now know that I am able to face it all.

Currently listening : The Weight of an Empty Room By Vedera Release date: 2005-07-26

12:49 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

three ring circus
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

the past month of my life has been unbeleavable
looking back on it now, so much happened
it seems like such a long time ago already
all the changes and choices I've made

the rest of the summer...
more changes and choices

it may not seem like such a big deal to many
but, for me, this is the first time my whole future has been entirely in my hands

i feel like i'm swinging from a trapeeze ... without a net
I love the sensation but I fear the possible fall

8:59 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

make some noise
Current mood: angsty

suddenly your world is turned upside down.
all the change in your pockets scatters on the ground
and you are left with your shirt over your head

it's in those times that our strength, our convictions, our sense of self is questioned
have we made the right choices
will there be a chance for redemption
will we land on our feet or flat on our faces

we can get so used to the comfortable and ordinary that we forget how to dream
forget what it feels like to accomplish something new
forget what it feels like to let go and leave it to chance




"It's easy to feel like you're all alone
To feel like nobody knows
The great that you are
The good that's inside you
That's trying so hard to break through
Maybe it's your time to lift off and fly
You won't know if you never try
You'll be fine

Don't let anyone tell you that you're not strong enough"

8:23 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Roads
Current mood: tortured
Category: tortured Life

I wish I could see the future
To see the results of decisions to be made
What if my decisions are wrong
Will the end result be the same despite the road traveled to get there
Would those along the way be changed
Will the changes be good or bad
Should others feelings be considered before my own
Choices, changes, consequences...
Take a risk, or take a bigger risk
Because no road is safe and sure

3:36 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Camille is...
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life

wondering why people seem to have an issue with her drinking problem.

wondering why they feel it needs to be fixed.

wondering why they always think that they will be the one to fix it.

grateful to all of the people who respect her decisions and don't try to make her change.

Currently listening : Urinetown (2001 Original Off-Broadway Cast) By John Cullum Release date: 07 August, 2001

9:27 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

You Could Be Happy
Current mood: restless
Category: Life

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Currently listening : Eyes Open By Snow Patrol Release date: 09 May, 2006

8:14 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

That girl couldn't find her way out of a paper bag
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life

I walk the stage in less than a month.

My lease is up in about a month.

I have to move and the apartment hunt is not going well.

I have to enter the real world and I have no clue what I'm going to do other than become a professional hostess.

I only have a few choices and one of them is moving back home to San Antonio.
Not my top or favorite choice really, but perhaps most logical. If I move back home I could possibly be living in a house for very cheap. I'd be able to help out my family while doing jobs in theater hopefully. Moving home would provide less of a financial burden on myself.

However, San Antonio is not as big in arts as DFW, which would equal less chances. If I don't move into the house I'll be living with my mother. If I stay here most of my time will be spent working just so I can do so. And, although I have a great small group of friends in San Antonio, most of the people I'm close with now are here.

I'm tired of people asking me what I'm going to do next. I don't know and I have less than a month to figure it out and I'm tired of thinking about it.

Currently listening : Wreck of the Day By Anna Nalick Release date: 11 July, 2006

9:17 PM - 7 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh, shit…. Camille is on her soap box again…

On her way to our staff meeting, my manager encountered one of these






flying from the window of a moving vehicle. For those who can't read the fine print, it says:

"The million dollar question: Will you go to heaven? Here's a quick test. Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything or used God's name in vain? Jesus said, "Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Have you looked with lust? Will you be guilty on Judgment day? If you have done those things, God sees you as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer-at-heart. The Bible warns that if you are guilty you will end up in Hell. That's not God's will. He sent His Son to suffer and die on the cross for you. Jesus took your punishment upon Himself: "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Then He rose from the dead and defeated death. Please, repent (turn from sin) today and trust in Jesus, and God will grant you everlasting life. Then read your Bible daily and obey it. www.livingwaters.com"


I myself am a Christian. I'm not a church-goer but, I do believe. I know that the Bible says to go forth and spread the word of God and be a missionary. However, I find this kind of propaganda does more to drive people away than bring them in. If I were a non-believer and read this, there would be no way I would take this positively and consider changing my views. Hell, this made me absolutely ashamed to be Christian. I hate this kind of small-minded, fire and brimstone bullshit; and the fact that the person was throwing these from a moving vehicle and could have caused an accident!! And please... "Then read your Bible daily and obey it." No Christian, and I mean not one, obeys every single rule in the Bible. I don't care how devout you are, it is near impossible to do so; especially in today's society. But, the Bible is a different topic all together for me. My point is (assuming I have one) that it is fine to try to reach out to people but, there are better ways to do it. I personally would not want someone's first words about God to me to be that he looks at me with disdain and that I'm going to hell.

8:38 PM - 8 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment