4:45 AM - The downside to the Obama victory...
Current mood: optimistic
Category: News and Politics

First, let me say that I am truly happy that Obama won this election.  If for no other reason than this nation needing something other than a Republican office.  This is a time of hope and dreams for America.  However, there are some subtle drawbacks for people when it comes to this.  I will try to go through them clearly and quickly.

1) Democrats

Okay Democrats!  Here is your chance.  You control the House, the Senate, and the White House.  Bush screwed up so badly, that he hurt his party for the next few years.  You now have total control over the Legislative branch of the Federal government.  If you can't make shit happen now, you are done.  This is sink or swim time for the Dems.  Make the changes happen, and keep control for years to come.  Screw this up, and we (as a nation) run right back to the Republican party... which, by the way, isn't much of a party at all. 

2) Minorities (Blacks, especially)

For centuries, the quickest and easiest excuse given by the most ignorant of minorities (I include myself in this) is that 'The Man' has kept you down.  'The Man' was in charge, and 'he' had it in for people of color.  Well folks, that excuse is out of the window.  'The Man' is now a black man.  And if a black man can make it into the seat of President of this great nation, 'The Man' is no longer an issue.  Now, you will make it or not in this country of ours by your own blood, sweat, and tears.  No longer are the excuses of the Government not caring about minorities valid.  The Government is RUN by a minority, come January 20th.  There is a silver lining in this cloud though.  We, as minorities, must now move forward and simply work.  We can spend less time talking about why we can't do something and we must simply do it.  This is our time to shine.  Our time to show that there is more to measuring a person's value than color, age, sex, or creed.  What we do with that is our own choice at this point.  We can break down barriers, and cross lines.  Or we can simply show people that those barriers are there because of us, and not any devious 'Man'.  Either way, the US of A is changed forever.  And I believe it is for the better. 

By the way, if things don't work out the way many minorities would like them to, I predict the following phrases: Uncle Tom, Oreo, Sell-out, and House N***A.

3) American Youth (18-29)

Many people will take this as a long-term victory.  Not so.  Many of our youth will end up being apathetic and simply not vote unless it is some world-changing election, like this one was.  YOU MUST VOTE!  YOU MUST SHAPE YOUR GOVERNMENT!  Don't wait for some historic election to finally vote.  Educate yourselves on every election.  Pick a candidate based on what is best for your family and you.  Not based on Party, or religion, or color, or any of that BS that should no longer matter.  This is about our lives, and those of our children.  Don't vote ignorantly, as a large number of people on both sides did this time around.  We were simply lucky that the better man came out on top.  Next time, it could be a bad situation.  Read.  Research.  Think.  Question.  Vote.

4) Republicans

Your asses had better hope that the Democrat Administration screws this one up badly, or you people are f00ked.  Caribou Barbie is back in Alaska in her log cabin... or igloo... or whatever, with Snow-Machine Ken.  Pray she stays there.  Because if that chick tries to step up in your political party, you guys are done.  What kind of Barbie doesn't have ethnic friends?  The kind that thinks bordering another nation givers her foreign policy experience.  If she is truly the future of the Republican party, prayers to keep 'witchcraft' away are the least of your worries. 

It should tell you people something when the only people truly unhappy about the result of this election in all the world, are in your party.  China is even happy about this.  Really?  The land of sweat-shops, and sex-slaves is PROUD of the U.S.A. for this move???  What does that say about where we stand in the world's view?  Maybe there is something to this, and you people should get on board.  Or get left behind.  Either way is fine, because we get to stop hearing you bitch and moan.

P.S.- I would like for Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to 69 each other to death now.  Thank you and good night.

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3:21 PM - I’m Carl the Muthafuckin’ IT Guy
Current mood: annoyed
Category: News and Politics

Okay folks.  I haven't blogged in ages, and I am aware.  I have actually been trying to avoid blogging during the current political climate.  However, if I have to hear about Joe the muthafuckin Plumber one more time, I am going to blow a gasket.  Seriously??  McCain, your entire campaign is based on some douche-bag from California, or wherever he is from?  Oh.  That, and the chants of ignorance and hatred from millions of rednecks across our nation.  I am a firm believer that your IQ should be above 120 to be allowed to breed.  That is just my opinion.  It would control the population, AND raise the level of intelligence in our nation at the same time.  Anyway, I am going to get right into this.  Breakin' it down Barney-style for the politically-challenged:

McCain
Rolling Stone wrote an interesting and very revealing article on John McCain and his time as an "American Hero".  Read it here.  McCain is now, and has always been a fuck-up with a silver spoon in his ass.  It is even possible that the spoon is a conjoined twin.  He got away with entirely too much based solely on the fact that his father and grandfather were Navy Admirals.  His goal has been to simply get out of their shadows.  And winning a Presidency would do that, in his eyes.  He would finally out-rank them.  Whatever.  He would still be the POW that cracked under the torture that so many others endured, and to sing praises of his "heroism" is an affront to all those that were true to our Nation.

McCain is going to die soon.  I don't say that to be hateful.  But I am just being honest.  He would be lucky to make it through a full 4-year term... which leads me to his choice for a running mate.  If this was the first big choice he had to make as a potential President, and he chose Sarah "Throw Me a Freaking Bone Here" Palin, I have to question his judgment.  If he allowed her to be chosen FOR him, I then have to question how much of a "Maverick" he really is.

McCain would have every veteran qualified to teach in our schools without the need for certification because, in his eyes, THAT would solve the problem with our education system.  That is pretty retarded, but what do I know?

While I am not pro-abortion, I am pro-giving-the-woman-the-choice.  I do not agree with abortion as a form of birth-control.  I do agree with it being available for extenuating circumstances.  McCain would put an all out ban on it, up to and including when the mother would die from attempting to go full-term.  Too bad, so sad potential mothers with health issues.  Big Brother says you have to die for a child that will likely not make it anyway.  So much for smaller government.

Palin
Sarah Palin is one of the dumbest people I have ever had to witness speak.  Bordering Canada and a body of water that also borders Russia does NOT give you foreign policy experience.  Just an FYI.  And not being able to bullshit your way through a question like, "What newspapers do you read?" sends a clear message of incompetence.  She loves to wag her finger at Obama and demands to know about his relationship with Bill Ayers.  What about your relationship with Todd Palin, bitch?  What about the fact that he was a member of the political party that wanted to rip Alaska's star right off of our flag?  And for the record, Ayers was never convicted for the crimes he committed when Obama was 8 years old.  He expressed his remorse.  He even went on to become a Senior Professor at the University of Illinois.  Not the life of a typical 'terrorist', huh?

I am in no way condoning the actions of Bill Ayers.  I think that stooping to the level of the government which you are protesting is just as vile, however, I am drawing a contrast between Palin's words and Palin's actions.  She spends so much time wagging the finger at Obama that it becomes obvious that she has more to hide than he does.  Read about the Alaskan Secessionist Party, folks.  There is more involvement in sleeping with a member of a dissenting political party than seving on a couple of charitable committees with a guy who did some terrible things nearly 40 years ago.  Let's use some common sense here.

She wants to talk about Rev. Wright's comments damning America, or whatever.  Ask her about Pastor Thomas Muthee.  The Pentacostal Pastor who laid hands on her, demanded God make her the next Governor for Alaska, and that He protect her from 'the spirit of witchcraft".  Let's look at Muthee's background.  He began his ministry in his Kenyan hometown of Kiambu.  According to him, he defeated a 'witch' in a great spiritual battle.  He knew she was a witch using 'demonic spells to cause car accidents' in town.  According to him, he ran the witch, Mama Jane, out of Kiambu, and saved the town from her evil ways.  So much so, that when a reporter went to Kiambu to verify the story, they found that Mama Jane had a church of her own... right in the heart of Kiambu.  So a Pastor that lies?  And here I thought that was strictly and American problem.  So, should we question a Reverend that is honest about his feeling, to a fault?  Or a Pastor who's whole basis for fame is based on delusions of grandeur, blatant lies, and what some might call schizophrenia?

McCain/Palin '08
Their entire platform has been about smearing Obama's character.  All of their attempts have been met with answers from the Obama camp.  The classiest part of it all is that Obama didn't smear in retaliation.  He stayed on task and addressed the issues.  He talks to Americans like we are smart.  McCain fed us bullshit and hoped that we would gobble it up like morons.  Many of us have. 

Many of us didn't need any help being ignorant... on either side.  There are just as many people voting for Obama because of his skin color as there are people voting for McCain because of Obama's skin color.  This sort of thing makes me mad at everyone.  If you are too stupid to look at the issues and see who is truly the better man (or woman) for the job, then you should not be allowed to vote. 

I don't know how many of my own friends tell me they are voting for Obama, and when asked why, they have no idea.  And I say, "So, it's because he's black?"  They deny it, but can give me no reason.  I can give you a dozen reasons why Obama is the better man for the job-- which is why he has my vote-- but Christ on a cracker, educate yourselves!  These people piss me off as much as the rednecks that don't realize they are about to be screwed by voting for a man who would tax your health care for the first time in history.  It is racism either way.  Whether you vote FOR or AGAINST a man because of his skin color, it is fucking racism.

The saddest part of this whole election is that we are on the eve of a world-changing election and all the people who are directly involved can do is go on and on about how the best man for the job is 'black' or a 'Muslim' or a 'terrorist', all because of his name, his skin color, or where he spent a couple of years as a child.  If ignorance is bliss, our country has got to be the happiest collection of dolts on the planet.

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2:00 AM - Save Your Prayers...
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Okay, so every once in a while, I end up on the end of a series of events that end up making me question my lack of faith.  I start to look skyward.  I start to look inward.  I look for answers to unanswered questions.  And just when it seems that events are coming together to make me a religious man, I meet a raging twat that unravels it all for me in an instant.  So, here's what went down:

Leaving the parking lot at Wally-world (I had rock-star parking, a.k.a.- the first spot by the door) I am going to back out of the spot.  Some bitch comes flying around the corner so fast, that she can't stop before passing the spot up.  I just backed up and went to turn down the lane that my spot was on, to hit the gas station at the other end of the parking lot.  Who's stopped in the middle of the lane with her reverse lights on?  Yeah.  The speed-demon.  At this point, there is already another vehicle behind me, waiting on the spot.  So I honk my horn, as I can't get around this Hyundai-holding-a-whore that is in my way.  She doesn't budge.  It's a Mexican Stand-off... only no Mexicans were involved in the actual stand-off.

My girlfriend rolls down her window and tells this lady to move.  She yells back for us to move.  Madness ensues.  This twat rolls her window up, breaks out a day planner, and starts chilling.  At this point I am wishing she had her husband with her so I could beat his ass just for having such a cunt for a wife.  But she doesn't have anyone with her.  I get out of my car, walk up to her window, and tell her to move her damn car so I can drive.  She tells me to back up and get out of her way.  Lady, this is a fucking one-way lane.  You are sitting in the middle of it.  I am not backing up into traffic so you can get a front spot.  If you weren't driving like a fucking bat out of hell, maybe you could have stopped traffic for me and gotten this spot.  You didn't.  Now move your fucking car.  She rolls her window up. 

Now for the good shit:

Leanne knocks on her window and tells her to move.  She says no.  I am yelling at her.  Leanne tells her she is acting like a 14 year old.  Her reply?  "Well, you are acting twelve."  Lady, we are much closer to 12 than your old ass is to 14, now move!  Nope.  She then says she is going to pray for me.  At this point I am ready to fucking tear this pretentious bitch limb from limb.  So let me get this shit straight.  You are acting like a fucking baby, and this is acceptable behavior because you are going to pray for me?  Don't hide behind your religion.  Don't use your god as a fucking shield from being recognized as a cunt.  Too late lady.  You're a fucking cunt.

If she had simply pulled three feet forward and to the right, I could have gotten by.  But she wanted that exact spot at that exact moment.  So she refused to budge.  And then she throws prayer at me like this is going to change my mind about everything.  "Oh my God!  I have been such a fool to have been blocked in.  I am so wrong for being angry.  Anyone that is going to pray for me could not possibly be wrong about anything!"  Give me a fucking break.  So, I pulled back into the parking spot until she left, and let some nice guy in behing us.  Fuck that bitch.

Then it hit me.  This is how religion works.  If we are great and wonderful, we give all glory to God.  If things are shitty, it must be some evil force called the Devil.  It couldn't possibly be good because we are good.  It couldn't be through our own blood, sweat, and tears that we made things great.  It had to be because of God.  This forms a complex of inadequacy.  I am not good enough, so I must credit God.

But on top of it, you add this delusion of the Devil, and how evil he is.  Everything bad in this world, and in our lives is because of him.  This creates a scapegoat for humans being assholes.  On top of this, humans use God's will as a reason to do horrible things, or to excuse them.  This gives those of faith a sense of absolution from any responsibility in their lives.

And in one little phrase, "I'll pray for you," you have completely unravelled all steps that I had taken toward sharing your faith.  You have strengthened my faith and belief in the arrogance of Christianity, and the pompus attitude that comes with inadequacy, supplemented by absolution.

A Christian might say that she was not a good example of a Christian.  A Christian might say that God was testing my faith.  A Christian might say that it was a lesson in patience.

I say she was a fucking cunt and I'm a dick.  And for those two reasons, that incident happened.  God and the Devil had shit to do with it.  Fuck your prayers.  Save the oxygen for when your husband tries to smother you with a pillow in your sleep so he never has to hear your bullshit again.

Havoc.  Out.

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2:00 AM - Getting to know your Presidential Candidates: Part 3- Obama
Current mood: indifferent
Category: News and Politics

Barack Obama

A Dicky Wiki

Senator Obama pretending he doesn't know what to do with a microphone.

It is important to note that Obama is not so much a dick by virtue of who he is, but rather by what he has chosen to involve himself in (e.g. presidential politics) and the resulting crowd it forces him to deal with (e.g. Joe Biden).

Viewed by many as an "alternative" candidate to "politics as usual," Obama's message of hope has coalesced supporters, captivated the electorate, and forced the excruciating protraction of an already lengthy lead-up to what by all accounts stands to be the most unendurable presidential election in U.S. history.

Early Life

Barack Obama began bringing about real change in Washington with his birth on August 4, 1961, a birthday he shares with big honking dicks Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani and Alberto Gonzalez. Like the typical Americans he purports to exemplify, Obama was born in Hawaii and raised in Indonesia. Also, like the typical American, his father was a Kenyan economist.

After graduating from Columbia University—just like everyone else—Obama attended notorious dick incubator Harvard Law School, which has also gestated the likes of Antonin Scalia and Michael Chertoff.

Career

For the next five years, Obama managed to live a pretty dick-free professional existence, working as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, and constitutional law lecturer.

State Senate

All that changed in 1996 when he took office as an Illinois state senator, serving three terms marked by blatant sucking up to police unions and purposeful absences on days when controversial reproductive rights bills were up for a vote.

U.S. Senate

Stymied in a 2000 bid for the U.S. House of Representatives, Obama settled for election to the U.S. Senate in 2004, helped largely by the fact that his political opponents kept suffering public accusations of domestic violence and sexual misconduct. He eventually defeated perennial election loser Alan Keyes, who, despite last-minute carpetbagging from Maryland (not to mention being a ridiculous right-wing crackpot), still managed to win 30% of the vote.

As far as anyone can tell, the only things Obama did as junior senator from Illinois were to not vote for the Iraq War and run for president.

Presidential Campaign

Obama began his 2008 election campaign at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, delivering a keynote address that totally overshadowed the guy who was actually running that year…the guy, what's his name, with the long horse face, he's married to that ketchup heiress? Him.

Throughout most of 2007, Obama was little more than a sparring partner for Hillary, the then-presumptive nominee. Obama-monium did not break out until his surprise victory at the Iowa caucus, which then plunged the two history-making candidates into their current back-and-forth, head-to-head fight over which long-held American prejudice remains the strongest.

Obama successfully used his victory in Iowa and other early primaries to generate a wave of dick momentum. His charisma has been likened to that of JFK, and he has even received the official endorsement of Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D[ick]-Massachusetts). However, it's entirely possible Kennedy actually thought he was giving the nod to Hillary and it was really just the beer goggles talking.

Supporters view Obama as a blank screen onto which Americans can project their own aspirations (though probably not neo-Nazi skinheads). Critics see him as style over substance, although, to be fair, he really isn't all that stylish. Unless you consider an open collar and rolled up sleeves "stylish." Don Johnson did.

Obama himself manages to affect the persona of the "everyman" candidate, despite a net worth of close to $1.5 million, a half-naked woman posting video homages to him on YouTube, and Oprah Winfrey's cell number in his "fave five."

Aside from the usual Democratic platform—abortions for some, stem cells for others, no guns for anyone—it is impossible to tell where Obama stands on the real issues, like whether or not a pro football team videotaped another team's pregame workouts, or what, exactly, Roger Clemens had injected into his buttocks.

Nonetheless, by failing to win either Ohio or Texas on Tsunami Tuesday, Obama enabled the continuation of the Democratic primaries. With Obama's campaign arguing that it's not about winning states, it's about winning delegates, and the Clinton camp saying it's not about winning delegates, it's about winning states, either way we're all forced to endure at least another seven weeks of campaign mud-slinging, and Anderson Cooper's coverage thereof.

Personal Life

Barack Obama is married to Michelle Obama (nee Robinson), with whom he has five children: Sondra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa and Rudy.

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12:30 AM - Getting to know your Presidential Candidates: Part 2- Clinton
Current mood: bored
Category: News and Politics

Hillary Clinton

A Dicky Wiki

Biography

Though she has claimed to be from New York, Arkansas, Washington, or anywhere else she's up for election, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton was actually born in Chicago, Illinois.

Sometimes Rodham, sometimes Clinton, sometimes Rodham Clinton (but never Rodham-Clinton), she has neither kept her maiden name nor fully taken her husband's, thus allowing her, in true Hillary fashion, to have it both ways whenever the purpose suits her.

HRC, as she's sometimes known, shares her initials with New York fitness chain Heath and Racket Club, where many dicks go to admire themselves lifting weights in the mirror. She also possesses the star power/megalomania to simply be known as "Hillary," joining such other one-named dick celebrities as Bono, Oprah, and Sinbad.

Hillary is married to William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States. In 1980, the two produced a daughter, Chelsea. Lending further evidence to the theory that the dick trait is genetically recessive, Chelsea Clinton is not a dick, even though she works for a private hedge fund.

Long described as a polarizing figure in American politics, Hillary has consistently been the front-runner in polls for the 2008 Democratic nomination, which means she can't possibly hope to win.

B.C.: Before Clinton

Hillary began compiling her impressive dick resume at Wellesley College, where she majored in political science and was president of the Young Republicans, as dick a position as they come. She eventually stepped down, however, due to her views regarding the Civil Rights Movement and the Vietnam War. Also, she was stealing office supplies.

From 1970 to 1973, she attended Yale Law School, the same alma mater as U.S. Supreme Court Dicks Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito, as well as Dick Attorney General Michael Mukasey.

In the late spring of 1971, she began dating fellow dick/Yalie Bill Clinton, despite the fact that, at the time, he looked like Kenny Loggins after a weeklong Quaalude bender. Like all great romance stories, Hillary eventually capitulated to marrying Bill after she failed the bar exam in Washington, D.C., and needed something better to do than turning tricks in Logan Square.

That's no First Lady, that's Hillary Clinton!

Hillary became the First Lady of Arkansas in 1978, following her husband's election as governor. During this time, she was listed as one of the 100 Most Influential Lawyers in America—the country's most prestigious dick list—and also served as the first female board member of Wal-Mart. Again seeming to swing from both sides of the plate, Hillary pushed for more environment-friendly practices, but said nothing about the company's famously dick treatment of its workers.

When Bill Clinton took office as president in 1993, Hillary became the first First Lady to hold a post-graduate degree and to set up office in the West Wing. This elicited a mixed public reaction. Critics called it inappropriate for Hillary to play such a central role in policymaking, while supporters said she was no different than any other White House advisor. Most people, however, were just interested in how she wore her hair.

Hillary's most notable contribution as First Lady was the Clinton health care plan, which enjoyed unanimous Congressional support, effectively providing quality universal coverage to every single American regardless of age, race, or income.

Lewinsky Scandal

During her husband's tenure, Hillary was subjected to one of the most public and embarrassing scandals in presidential history. In critical retrospect, one can't help but deduce that the entire predicament would have been avoided entirely had Hillary just acquiesced to gargling the presidential marbles every once in a while.

When Bill Clinton was brought up on impeachment charges in 1998, Hillary became the first First Lady to testify before a federal grand jury. This elicited a mixed public reaction. Critics called her an enabler to her husband's indiscretions, while supporters admired her strength and poise. But most people were just interested in how she wore her hair.

Senate Career

Carpetbagger

Having neither resided in New York nor participated in the state's politics prior to her election as senator, Hillary has worked hard to dog accusations of carpetbagging, specifically by "getting to know the people of the state." She has accomplished this by buying a $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, a town listed as 42nd wealthiest in America. Other Chappaqua residents include Academy Award-winning actor Alan Arkin, and Ace Frehley, lead guitarist of Kiss.

Carpetmuncher

Hillary is a powerful woman succeeding in a man's world. Naturally, this has caused speculation that she is really a lesbian. Not so much a Janet Reno lesbian, but more of a Melissa Etheridge lesbian (minus the guitar and David Crosby's semen). However, these accusations are unfounded, and based purely on conjecture. Mrs. Clinton is not, in fact, a Sapphist, although she does pee standing up.

2008 Presidential Campaign

Kicking off the longest, most drawn-out presidential election in history, Hillary Clinton announced her intention to run for the office in 1972. Just before her official announcement in early 2007, the campaign produced a spoof of the Sopranos series finale, starring Hillary as "Carmela," Bill as "Tony," and Al Gore as "Big Pussy." Of course, the Clintons have a history of making short films. In 1996, Bill Clinton appeared in a press club short with Kevin Spacey, who was in Se7en with Brad Pitt, who was in Sleepers with Kevin Bacon. Hillary is the only Democratic hopeful for whom the Kevin Bacon game works.

Hillary's current campaign strategy hinges on how many voters will confuse her with her husband. As such, she is presently attempting to teach herself to play saxophone and cultivate a taste for cigars dipped in… let's call it "brandy."

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9:18 PM - Getting to know your Presidential Candidates: Part 1- McCain
Current mood: hungover
Category: News and Politics

John McCain

A Dicky Wiki

John Sidney McCain III (born August 29, 1936) is the senior United States Senator from Arizona, the presumptive Republican Party nominee in the 2008 presidential election, an angry old man, and a dick.

In the Republican Party, there are two kinds of dicks: those that support the Iraq War but were too cowardly to fight in a war when they had the chance, and, much less common, those that support the Iraq War and did fight in other wars when they had the chance. McCain is the latter kind of dick.

During the Vietnam War, McCain became a naval aviator. In a bombing mission over North Vietnam in 1967, he was shot down and badly injured. He endured five and a half years as a prisoner of war, including periods of torture, before he was released following the Paris Peace Accords in 1973. This raises the question: can one be a hero while at the same time being a dick. The answer, as McCain has shown, is: yes.

In 1982, McCain was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives, and in 1986, he was elected to the U.S. Senate. During his years in the Senate, McCain has essentially been an unthinking, run-of-the-mill right-winger. He managed to establish a reputation, however, as a "maverick" who often "defied orthodoxy." That this is true is testament to the high incidence of dicks in the media, an occupation generally considered to have among the highest of DPRs (dick prevalence rate).

In the late 1980's, McCain became one of the "Keating Five." Some have noted that this sounds like a band. And to the extent that taking payoffs from corrupt savings and loans officials, passing legislation that deregulated the industry and destroyed thousands of lives, and intervening in the investigation of said corrupt savings and loan officials is like playing music, then, yes, they were a band. A very good one.

In order to salvage his career, McCain recreated himself as a campaign-finance reformer. Because of a defect in the media, McCain succeeded. In 2002, the largely useless McCain-Feingold Act was passed.

McCain ran for the Republican nomination in the 2000 presidential election, but was defeated by another dick, George W. Bush. In the 2008 presidential cycle, McCain was joined in the race by a lazy dick, a Mormon dick, a evangelical dick, a libertarian former gynecologist dick and a dick named Giuliani. After the Mormon dick dropped out in February of 2008, McCain became the presumptive nominee.

Early life and military career

Family background and early education

McCain was born on August 29, 1936, at the Coco Solo Air Base in the Panama Canal Zone, then controlled by the United States. Both his father and grandfather were United States Navy admirals, and were in fact the first father-son pair each to achieve four-star admiral rank. Oddly, there is no similar ranking for the level of dick that one has reached. If there were such a system, and if it were, similarly, based on a possible total of five, McCain would be said to have achieved a four-dick rank.

Because McCain was born outside the United States, some mentally challenged right-wing bloggers (or, as they are known, "right-wing bloggers") have suggested that McCain is therefore not eligible to be president. Unfortunately, they are wrong. The constitution requires only that the president be a "natural born citizen," which the First Congress said included "the children of citizens of the United States that may be born beyond sea, or outside the limits of the United States." Therefore, John McCain is, indeed, eligible to further ruin the United States by becoming its president.

Naval training, early assignments, first marriage and children

Like his father and grandfather, McCain enrolled in the United States Naval Academy. There, he earned over 100 demerits. His reaction was that it was "bullshit."

But it was in his off-base activities that McCain truly excelled. According to one classmate, "being on liberty with John McCain was like being in a train wreck." It is unclear what being with McCain during his presidency would be like for the nation. Unfortunately, America has no direct experience from which to draw with a president who was a temperamental son of a distinguished military man and who in college was a temperamental fuckup who liked to party. What could possibly be so dangerous about that?

McCain graduated from the Naval Academy in 1958, ranked 894th out of 899. As historians have noted, there were five people in his class who were actually bigger fuckups than McCain, but none of them are running for president.

McCain, commissioned an ensign, spent two and a half years training as a naval aviator in Pensacola. There he earned a reputation as a party man, drove a Corvette, dated an exotic dancer named "Marie the Flame of Florida," and, as he would later say, "generally misused my good health and youth." But at least when it came to flying, he took his responsibilities seriously.

Just kidding. He didn't care about those either -- he was a below average flyer, and couldn't be bothered to read his aviation manuals. But, as many noted partying experts have asked, what good could possibly come of reading manuals? It's not like one might have a situation in which one's plane would quit while landing and crash into Corpus Christi Bay, or be flying too low in Spain and take out some power lines, or crash while en route to Philadelphia for an Army/Navy football game.

Vietnam operations

In December 1966, McCain was assigned to the aircraft carrier USS Forrestal, which, in 1967 was assigned to join Operation Rolling Thunder, the bombing campaign against North Vietnam. On October 26, 1967, McCain began his political career by being shot down. He was then held prisoner by the North Vietnamese for seven years. During this time, McCain was also tortured. Such barbaric treatment gave McCain a unique insight into the evil of torture. And though McCain's war injuries left him with limited mobility in his arms, he was still able to pat himself on his back throughout his Senate career for his opposition to the practice. When the Iraq War began, and reports began to appear that the United States has used torture, including waterboarding, on detainees, McCain spoke out.

But in February of 2007, even though he had become the presumptive GOP nominee for president, McCain had still not secured the enthusiastic support of right-wing goons and thugs whose sexual inadequacy has manifested in an extreme love of torture. This group is also sometimes referred to as "The Republican Party."

Therefore, when an Intelligence Authorization Bill came to the Senate floor that would require the intelligence community to abide by the same standards contained in the Army Field Manual, which bans waterboarding, McCain was faced with a choice: make a principled stand consistent with his avowed opposition to torture, or cowardly choose to abandon his principles and suck-up to the right-wing goons and thugs who sexual inadequacy has manifested in an extreme love of torture. McCain chose the latter.

As many whose views of foreign policy are not influenced by sexual inadequacy have noted, aside from the moral reason to not engage in torture, another is the reasonable conclusion that making practices like waterboarding legal also makes it much more likely that other countries will engage in the same practices on American prisoners of war. McCain's son Jimmy is, in fact, in the Marine Corps. On February 14th, 2007, Jimmy returned from Iraq, meaning that McCain's son is now safe from the increased danger of being tortured that McCain's cowardice has placed other U.S. troops under.

Return to United States

After returning to the U.S., McCain was reunited with his wife Carol, who, in a 1969 car accident, had suffered near-death injuries of her own. This had left her four inches shorter and substantially heavier. While stationed at Jacksonville, Florida, McCain began to have extramarital affairs. As he later noted, "My marriage's collapse was attributable to my own selfishness and immaturity more than it was to Vietnam..." That would distinguish it from his political career.

In 1979, while attending a military reception in Hawaii, McCain met and fell in love with a teacher from Phoenix named Cindy Lou Hensley, 17 years his junior, and the daughter of a wealthy Anheuser-Busch distributor. It is unclear whether the latter detail had any influence over McCain, but the ability to easily secure a keg of Bud -- the King of Beers, brewed by an original all natural process using the choicest hops, rice and best barley malt -- on short notice and at wholesale prices could possibly have seemed like an added enticement to someone who liked to party as much as McCain.

McCain divorced his wife Carol in 1980. McCain and Hensley were married that same year. Unfortunately, the wedding came too early to feature Bud Light, which was introduced in 1982, and is brewed with the finest ingredients for a refreshingly smooth taste.

McCain's children were not happy about the wedding and did not attend, though maybe that was because they do not like the choicest hops and best barley malt. If they feel they are too good for such things, then they do not deserve the King of Beers.

Political career

U.S. Congressman

Now living in Phoenix, McCain set about finding work. In what would later turn out to be good practice for a senate career spent working wealthy players like corrupt savings and loan felon Charles Keating for favors, McCain got a job with his father-in-law. His title was Vice President of Public Relations, probably because it sounded more important than "Goodwill Ambeersador." Here, McCain was tasked with the tough job of schmoozing business people. It was difficult, grueling work, the sort of job that often meant spending six, or even seven hours a day at the grindstone. But it was also the sort of job McCain was uniquely qualified for.

In 1982, a seat came open in Arizona's 1st congressional district. McCain ran, and, after outspending his opponents courtesy of a $167,000 loan his wife made to the campaign, McCain eked out a win.

U.S. Senator

After Barry Goldwater retired in 1986, McCain ran for and won Goldwater's Senate seat. Once in the Senate, McCain soon got into a quarrel with Paul Weyrich. As co-founder of the Moral Majority, Weyrich was a prominent leader of the religious right, and was angry over McCain's defense of President George H. W. Bush's nominee for Secretary of Defense, John Tower, whom the religious right opposed over allegations of heavy drinking and extramarital affairs.

During this time, and up until his run for the presidency, McCain was often at odds with the religious right. Though, as with the issue of torture, the bravery McCain showed in Vietnam disappeared when he was forced to choose between maintaining his principles or sucking up to the worst people in the country.

Keating Five

In the late 1980's McCain finally distinguished himself in the Senate with the help of a man named Charles Keating. The Lincoln Savings and Loan, headed by Keating, had become embroiled in scandal and federal regulators were looking to shut it down and investigate. Keating, who had known McCain since the latter's days as a layabout schmoozer for his father-in-law the Vice President of Public Relations for the Phoenix Budweiser distributor, began looking for a way to get the government to drop the investigation.

Between 1982 and 1987, Keating had given McCain $112,000. Of course, it is possible that Keating had given McCain this money out of the goodness of his heart with no strings attached, simply out of a heartfelt love of the democratic process. It is also possible that R. Kelly just has a healthy interest in helping 16 year-old girls negotiate the rocky shoals of late adolescence.

Directly after two meetings with Keating, McCain called Edwin J. Gray, the chief of the Federal Home Loan Bank Board, which was investigating Keating, and requested that Gray ease off the investigation. Gray testified that four other Senators, all of whom were recipients of political donations from Keating, had also contacted him with the same request. These became known as the "Keating Five."

The saddest part of the entire situation, even more sad than the 21,000 mostly elderly people who had their entire life savings completely wiped out, was that it brought the appearance of conflict upon Senator McCain. As McCain said, "The appearance of it was wrong. It's a wrong appearance when a group of senators appear in a meeting with a group of regulators, because it conveys the impression of undue and improper influence."

And what a terrible impression that can be. Almost as terrible as working your ass off your entire life, little by little putting enough money away for retirement, and then right before retirement finding out your life savings has been robbed from you and instead of working to try to get your money back, your own senator is busy trying to quash the investigation.

On the positive side, the physical activity and social contact that accompany many minimum wage jobs can be good for seniors. The ones who are still ambulatory, anyway.

A "maverick" senator

Rightly sensing that he had disgraced himself in the Keating Five scandal and that this would hinder his chances to fuck up the country as a hotheaded, dangerously unstable, pandering, angry, very old president, McCain set out to launder his reputation. Since the Keating Five scandal had shown him to be a financially sleazy insider, the way McCain chose to rehabilitate himself was campaign finance.

And so, in 1994, McCain teamed up with Wisconsin Democratic Senator Russ Feingold to introduce the McCain-Feingold Act, a bill that would ostensibly diminish the influence of money in politics by placing limits on so-called "soft money" donations by corporations, union and other institutions. The bill was passed in 2002 and took effect in 2003.

The effort paid off for McCain, and in just a few years the press corps, whose short-term memory falls somewhere between that of a household cat and the Rhesus Macaque monkey (Macaca mulatta), native to Afghanistan, northern India, and southern China, hailed McCain as a good government and campaign finance reformer.

How effective was the act in reducing the influence of money in politics? The answer can be found in a simple experiment that anybody can do. Try it yourself: just say the following phrase out loud: "Hey money, I want you to stop influencing politics!" There, you have now had more influence in diminishing the influence of money in politics than the "Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 (BCRA, McCain–Feingold Act, Pub.L. 107-155, 116 Stat. 81, enacted 2002-03-27)."

An "asshole" senator

Far from actually being a "maverick," the one word that would accurately describe his time in public life is: "asshole." That McCain was able to successfully make himself be thought of as a "maverick" says as much about the press as it does about McCain. That is, one cannot understand how McCain did this without also understanding the delicate psychology of the Washington D. C. press corps.

Most Washington journalists have a deeply internalized sense of self-loathing. They see themselves as cowardly, flaccid, ineffectual, impotent wimps. In this, they're not entirely wrong. They have always secretly admired the asshole jocks who used to push them around in high school. The journalists would console themselves with the soothing affirmation that the assholes were not as smart as they were. They were right, of course, but still, deep down the journalists secretly admired the assholes.

Along comes John McCain -- an asshole, but an asshole who is nice to them, an asshole who comes to back of the plane and jokes around with them and doesn't make them feel unmanly. Why, sometimes, it seemed as if McCain really liked them. A few years of this, and suddenly McCain's not a temperamental, dangerously unstable asshole, he's a "maverick."

But the self-esteem issues of the weakling press notwithstanding, McCain is, in fact, an asshole. An asshole who wants to be the President of the United States. As an asshole senator, he the sort of guy who says things like:

• "Only an asshole would put a budget together like this!" (to New Mexico Republican Pete Dominici)

• "I'm calling you a fucking jerk!" (to Iowa Republican Senator Chuck Grassley)

• "Fuck you. I know more about this than anybody in the room." (To Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn)

This is why Senator Dominici said in 2000 that "I decided I didn't want this guy anywhere near a trigger." It is presumed by this he meant the nuclear trigger.

McCain is also the sort of guy who would tell the following joke:

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?

A: Her father is Janet Reno.

This is the sort of humor assholes find funny. When he told the joke, Chelsea Clinton was seventeen years old. Some say when you open an attack like this on the looks of someone who did not ask to be thrust into the public eye, you invite similar attacks in your own direction.

Accordingly, this is a photo of McCain's freakish-looking over-plastic-surgery'd wife Cindy:

In speaking about whether he had ever witnessed McCain's notorious temper problem, former Pennsylvania Republican Senator Rick Santorum said, "I don't know anybody in the Senate who hasn't. Everybody has their McCain story."

And if America elects this temperamental, dangerously unstable, angry old asshole, America will have its own McCain story too.

2000 presidential campaign

In the summer of 1999, McCain came to the conclusion that his power to fuck up the country was too limited in the Senate. So on September 27, 1999 in Nashua, New Hampshire, McCain formally announced he was running for the presidency. The leader in fundraising, establishment party support, and expectations was another temperamental fuckup son of a military man, Texas Governor George W. Bush.

McCain decided to skip Iowa and, on the advice his political consultant, a dick named Mike Murphy, instead went straight to New Hampshire. He traveled in a bus called "The Straight Talk Express." This is presumably because his dick consultant Murphy decided that this was a better name than the "A-Hole Limited," or the "Dangerously UnstableMobile."

On February 1, 2000, McCain won the primary with 49 percent of the vote to Bush's 30 percent. Bush was in trouble and the upcoming South Carolina primary would be crucial.

The fight between Bush and McCain in South Carolina has become known as one of the nastiest and dirties fights in American electoral history. This is especially noteworthy given the fact that, by then, the Republican Party had already established itself as a particularly sleazy institution. Bush's father, George H.W. Bush, had, in fact, won by exploiting the racist "southern strategy," begun by Richard Nixon, and built upon by Ronald Reagan and political strategist Lee Atwater, currently in hell.

Traditionally, the racist strategy was used against Democrats. The South Carolina primary was one of the few times it was used for intra-party purposes.

Days before voting, an anonymous group began a semi-underground smear campaign against McCain. Using push polls, flyers, and emails, the group claimed that McCain had fathered a black child out of wedlock. McCain does, in fact, have a dark-skinned daughter, Bridget. She was adopted from Bangladesh. (Presumably McCain would be angry if someone were to make jokes about Bridget's looks or ponder whether Bridget's father had been Janet Reno, but consistency is rarely something dangerously unstable dicks are accused of.)

This was a classic use of the GOP's "southern strategy." The Bush campaign made what is known as a "big show" in denying any connection with these attacks, and said he would fire anybody who ran defamatory push polls. As the country later found out, Bush often says he will fire any aides found to be involved in wrongdoing. This is the sort of thing that passes for a joke in Deke House.

Of those who spread the rumors, McCain said "I believe that there is a special place in hell for people like those." If by "those" he means people who try to cynically exploit racism for political gain, it appears that "people like those" will have to make room for one more asshole. Before the South Carolina race, McCain had said the Confederate flag was "very offensive." But then, when he needed the votes of the racist thugs and goons there, McCain rethought his position, and came to the conclusion that the flag was a "symbol of heritage."

Bush was able to out pander McCain among the racists and won the South Carolina primary. McCain withdrew from the race on March 9, 2000. McCain would, however, learn a valuable lesson about pandering to right-wing religious bigots: do it early, and do it completely.

2001–2008

McCain spent the years of the first and second Bush administrations making self-congratulatory shows of "independence" from the Republican party and cultivating the weakling press to keep up his image as a "maverick." It was in these years that McCain laid the groundwork for what would be the classic McCain pattern: speak out against bad people when it doesn't matter, cowardly cave in when it does matter.

Most of the manifestations of McCain's "maverick" streak were confined to domestic policy. Like when he voted against the first of Bush's tax cuts, but later voted to extend them and then said if elected president he would make them permanent. But on foreign policy, McCain has rarely done anything but parrot his fellow temperamental fuckup son of a military man, President Bush.

McCain considers "national security" to be one his strengths. Given the fact that he has yet to be right about any single fact regarding Iraq when it counted, this should tell you something about his prowess in domestic matters. For instance, McCain stated unequivocally that Iraq had substantial weapons of mass destruction, and that Iraq was "a clear and present danger to the United States of America." McCain also claimed that U.S. forces would be greeted as liberators by the Iraqi people.

In April of 2007, after claiming that people were "not getting the full picture" of what was going on in Iraq, McCain made a stroll through an Baghdad market. He said there "are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today." He did not mention that he was accompanied by one-hundred soldiers, three Blackhawk helicopters, and two Apache gunships.

Later that same month, McCain was asked about possible military action against Iran. His response was to sing "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" to the melody of the Beach Boys' song "Barbara Ann." Though this was widely criticized at the time, it should be noted, however, that deciding foreign policy based on punning lyrics to Beach Boys songs could not, at least, result in a worse situation than the one the United States finds itself in today.

2008 presidential campaign

McCain announced he was seeking the 2008 Presidential nomination of the Republican Party on the February 28, 2007. He chose a venue that was perfectly suitable to his seriousness as a leader: the Late Show With David Letterman.

Should McCain win, he would be the oldest person ever to assume the Presidency at the initial ascension to office, being 72 years old and surpassing Ronald Reagan, who was 69 years old. Reagan was later diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and there were questions of whether the disease had begun during his presidency. Though the diseases associated with old age are obviously relevant to McCain's candidacy, he is shielded somewhat from such attacks due to the fact that McCain has been known to be dangerously unstable his entire life.

With no clear front-runner in the race, McCain won the New Hampshire primary on January 8, 2008. He followed this with victories in South Carolina and Florida, after which he became the front-runner and presumptive nominee. The fact that McCain, an unstable, angry old asshole, would find himself coasting to the nomination says much about the rest of the field he was facing. His two main rivals were Mitt Romney, a comically soulless toady whose religion, Mormonism, was once thought to be his weakness but turned out to be the only consistent fact about him, and Rudy Giuliani, who is, according to scientific studies, the most dangerous and insane man ever to run for president.

In the course of winning the nomination and attempting to unite the Republican Party around him, McCain, in accordance with the McCain pattern, has reversed himself on almost every issue on which his reputation as a "maverick" depended.

Though he once called religious bigots like Jerry Falwell "agents of intolerance," he now eagerly gets on his knees to fellate them to completion ask for their support. Though he once self-congratulatorily denounced the practice of state-sanctioned torture, he voted against making it explicitly illegal for C.I.A. interrogators. Though he once supported a common-sense immigration reform bill co-sponsored by Ted Kennedy, when asked during a Republican debate in Los Angeles whether he would vote for his own bill, McCain said, "No, I would not." Though he was once Episcopalian, McCain now identifies himself as a Baptist. Fittingly, McCain now supports the teaching of "intelligent design" in schools.

On February 20, 2008, The New York Times reported an affair that McCain had eight years ago with a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman, who looks strangely like McCain's bizarre-looking wife, Cindy.

Though the media focused primarily on the sex between the then 61-year old McCain and the 33 year-old Iseman, which, really, nobody wants to think about too much, the bigger issue was the favors McCain did for his lobbyist girlfriend. McCain sent two letters to the Federal Communications Commission on behalf of one of Iseman's clients. The intercession was considered so egregious by the FCC chairman that he rebuked McCain for it.

Predictably, the response of McCain wasn't to come clean about the affair and the sleazy intervention, or even a pledge to stick to more traditional favors and gifts for his girlfriends, like fancy chocolates or jewelry, or a bath with rose petals, or just a hand-written "coupon" for a night in together. That can be fun. But instead, McCain attacked the Times and immediately used the entire episode as a fundraising opportunity in an email sent out to his gullible supporters.

In short, if McCain does not win the presidency, it will not be because he failed to show the requisite cowardice in ingratiating himself to the goonish and thuggish base of the Republican party. His reputation among the press as a "maverick" will, however, stand forever.

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2:05 PM - I am SOOOOOO going to Hell for this one...
Current mood: devious
Category: News and Politics

Pope Benedict XVI

A Dicky Wiki

Raised in Bavaria, Benedict XVI has both Vatican and German citizenship. Germany, of course, is a veritable dick factory, churning out the likes of Joseph Goebbels, Karl Marx, that "Sprockets" character Mike Myers used to do, and patron saint of dicks, Adolph Hitler. Is it a coincidence that 14 year-old Joey Ratzinger was enrolled in the Hitler Youth? No, it is not.

Benedict XVI is not just a dick because of his own actions, but also by virtue of his role as Pope and the traditional characteristics that accompany it, such as hypocrisy, shortsightedness, stubbornness, and the insistence that everybody's lives be governed by a 3,000-year-old book of fairy tales written by wandering desert nomads who were likely hallucinating from lack of water.

Early life

Pope Benedict XVI was born in Bavaria, Germany on April 16, 1927 as Joseph Alois Ratzinger. Like many dicks, he changed his name later in life as he rose to fame.

Benedict XVI's relatives all insist that his vocation to join the priesthood was apparent at an early age, pointing to a particular incident where, at age 5, the young Joseph was part a group of children who welcomed the visiting Cardinal Archbishop of Munich with flowers. Later that day, Joseph announced that he, too, wanted to become a cardinal. Clearly, the Ratzinger family had been blessed with a gifted dick prodigy.

In his first recorded instance of hypocrisy, 14-year-old Joey Ratz (as he was known around "the neighborhood") joined the Hitler Youth as one of their "future Aryan supermen" or "super-dicks." The Pope Formerly Known as Ratzinger now insists that his membership in the Nazi Party was "unenthusiastic" and that he refused to attend meetings, which is a lot like saying you're just a "casual member" of the Klan and only participated in, like, four or five lynchings, tops.

Another notable feat of hypocrisy was Ratzy's attendance at Saint Michael Seminary while simultaneously training in the German infantry's anti-aircraft corps. The dickish ability to see no conflict between Jesus' commandment to love thy neighbor and Hitler's commandment to violently murder millions of Jews should have served as a sign that the Papacy couldn't be too far off.

Writing career

A professor for decades at the University of Bonn, the University of Münster, and Tübingen University, Father Joseph Ratzinger wrote at least 50 books, all with dick-licious titles like Daughter Zion: Meditations on the Church's Marian Belief, Feast of Faith: Approaches to a Theology of the Liturgy, and Schauen auf den Durchbohrten: Versuche zu einer spirituellen Christologie. His much anticipated mystery thriller, Dial E for Eucharist will be published this winter under his pseudonym, Richard Bachman.

Pre-Pope

After Ratzinger's successful stint as Archbishop of Munich and Freising, Pope John Paul II named him Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in 1981. Although his main job responsibilities were defending and reaffirming Catholic doctrine on topics such as birth control (no), homosexuality (no way), and inter-religious dialogue (sorry, pal), he also found the time to ruin thousands of young lives by applying "confidentiality of internal Church investigations" to accusations made against alter boy-raping priests across the globe. In other words, one dick was covering up for other dicks who couldn't keep their dicks in their pants.

Papacy

In January 2005, before Pope John Paul II even had a chance to die, TIME magazine reported that Cardinal Ratzinger was a front-runner to succeed him. Perhaps circling around the frail dying Polack like a hungry vulture wasn't the most respectful thing to do, but dicks aren't usually too concerned with respect, or with other people in general.

Regardless of etiquette, when John Paul finally kicked it, Ratzo was elected Pope on the second day of the papal conclave after four ballots. For those not familiar with a papal conclave, it's basically like a group of cardinals having a fantasy baseball draft to choose just one player.

Joey Ratz decided on the pontifical name Benedict, after both Pope Benedict XV and Saint Benedict of Nursia. It is not known whether either of them are dicks too, however the name Benedict means "the blessed" in Latin, and 9 out of 10 people who know Latin have been scientifically proven to be dicks.

Throughout his papacy, Benedict XVI has declared the secularization of Western society to be the world's greatest threat, and has emphasized the need for Europe to return to "fundamental Christian values" like homophobia, deep-seated guilt, and the demand that rape victims birth and raise the unwanted children of their attackers.

Pope'n aint easy

Benedict XVI is said to have brought his own distinct style to the papacy, one that has been deemed too "showy" by Italian film and opera director Franco Zeffirelli. This, coming from a man who recently produced a version of Verdi's "Aida" that looked like this.

Benedict's "showy" vestments include a red cappello romano wide-brimmed hat, a red camauro papal hat, and resuming the use of the traditional red papal shoes that had fallen into disuse. When Benedict XVI is all blinged out in these flashy garments, he looks like a combination of Elton John and Liberace, but somehow even more gay.

Trivia

• John Paul II did an excellent job galvanizing the Catholic youth and Benedict XVI has continued this trend by banning all modern music and replacing it with Gregorian chant. In other moves that would be a big hit with people over ninety, Benedict XVI has said that rock music is the work of Satan and has spoken out against such pagan/devil worshippers as Bob Dylan.
• Benedict XVI's former name, Joseph Ratzinger is commonly confused with John Ratzenberger, star of Cheers and TV pitchman for the Pitney Bowes Personal Post Office. Ratzenberger's character of Cliff Claven was most assuredly a dick, though a rather funny and well-meaning one, unlike Benedict XVI.

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11:21 AM - Power Rangers: The Next American Idol
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

I figured that I would take a break from the political additions.  So, here is someone else that drives me up a wall...

Simon Cowell

A Dicky Wiki

Through the creation of television programs such as American Idol, Pop Idol, and Britain’s Got Talent, he has managed to force both his abrasive personality and the abrasive personalities of a number of mediocre "artists" into homes across the world. Uniquely, while many celebrities became popular despite being dicks, Cowell became a celebrity because he is a dick.

Education

Cowell dropped out of college and held a number of odd jobs during his youth, though unsurprisingly did not get along with his co-workers and bosses. With no career to speak of, Cowell did the most desperate/first thing a dick always does in these situations: had his dad get him a job at the corporation he worked for, which, in Cowell’s case was conveniently one of the world’s largest record companies, EMI.

Professional Career

Cowell worked at EMI for a time in the 1980s before founding his own label, Fanfare. When Fanfare’s parent company went bankrupt, Cowell took his hard-edged, wheeling-and-dealing executive skills back home, literally. He moved back into his parents’ house, where he was able to "sign" less popular "artists" like "his mom" to make him "breakfast."

Later that year, Cowell joined BMG, and found major success releasing albums for esteemed recording artists like World Wrestling Federation wrestlers, the Teletubbies, and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Since then, he has been able to promote artists who are actually career writers and performers of music, including Il Divo, which is sort of the 98 Degrees of opera. It is worth noting that Il Divo is widely liked by your mom.

American Idol

Cowell became globally famous as a judge for the television program American Idol where he provided bullying criticism of game show contestants whom he deemed less talented than the established performers he was used to working with, such as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Such obnoxious sarcasm has been promoted by FOX as "candor" and has become palatable to American audiences because it is spoken in a British accent.

Cowell’s unique position on the show allowed him to vastly increase his personal wealth simply by being a bigger dick. Unsatisfied with just being a regular dick, Cowell was actually coached by publicists to the point that his occupation arguably became "professional dick."

The success of American Idol led to spin-offs all over the world, each with it’s own version of Cowell, which has led to the creation of a veritable dick army—not to be confused with this person. Cowell was reportedly upset that so many judges from other countries had stolen his distinct judging style, though one could argue that just being a disagreeable and a dick doesn’t count as any kind of "trademark."

In August of 2007, Cowell admitted that, having starred on American Idol for 6 seasons, he would quit the show in three years. Said Cowell, "I think by that point the public will be sick to death of me anyway and it will be time to go." Cowell had misjudged Americans’ tolerance by approximately 8 years.

Other shows

In addition to American Idol, Cowell is responsible for several other shows on American television. While not quite reaching the popularity of Idol, each of these new programs has achieved some success among people who enjoy amateurs trying to act like professionals, and either sucking at it, or reaching a high enough level of mediocrity that it is confused by some for actual entertainment. These shows include: American Inventor, in which contestants try to convince George Foreman that their invention is as good as his grill; America’s Got Talent, in which contestant performances suggest that, for the most part, America does not, in fact, have talent; Grease Is the Word, in which gay people compete to live out their dream of playing tough Italian guys in a musical; and Celebrity Duets, in which viewers try to hang themselves.

Trivia

• Cowell’s taxes reportedly amount to £21.7m per year, which means that his taxable income is over £54.25m per year. In America money, that is, like, 7 billion dollars. And all for just telling people who suck at singing that they suck at singing.
• He is one of the few successful executives in the music industry who earned a massive salary by exploiting people who are simply terrible at making music.
• Technically, Simon Cowell is responsible for Ryan Seacrest.

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11:35 PM - Birds in Berets
Current mood: relaxed
Category: Travel and Places

Hugo Chavez

A Dicky Wiki

Simply put, Chávez isn’t really dangerous; he just wants a little attention.

In fact, few people would care about Hugo Chávez were he not the head of an oil-producing country. As far as megalomaniacs go, Chávez is strictly small dick potatoes, or, papas pingas pequeñas.

Over the years, Chávez has severely clamped down on both the press and civil liberties, and has exhibited a propensity for talking smack about the Bush Administration any time anyone puts a microphone in front of his mouth. However, he has never poisoned a political rival, he wields neither a secret nor "holy" police, and he actually failed to take power in a bloody coup—he had to settle for being elected democratically. He doesn’t even have a nuclear weapons program. Until such time, Chávez is destined to remain a poor man’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Early Years

Hugo Chávez began agitating ineffectually from the moment of his birth on July 28, 1954, a birth date he shares with similarly bloated annoyance Sally Struthers. The son of country schoolteachers, his real last name is Frias, though he uses Chávez in his professional life, sort of like how Emilio Estevez chose to go with his family’s actual last name rather than Sheen. And we all know how well that worked out for him.

Like most hopeful young despots, Chávez excelled at painting and singing. Reportedly, he still enjoys a good karaoke jam session from time to time (he’s partial to heavy metal power ballads, and anything from the Abba songbook). Also like most despots, Chávez attended military college, graduate school, and held university-level teaching positions, where he honed his dicktatorial skills by refusing to allow extra credit of any kind under any circumstances.

While in college, Chávez and fellow students began living by a doctrine they termed "Bolivarianism," which is a lot like Rastafarianism, except instead of smoking pot, growing dreads, and listening to Bob Marley, you put on a red beret and arm yourself for the coming socialist revolution.

Political "Rise"

After graduation, Chávez was faced with a choice between the two careers available to well-educated, wannabe South American insurrectionists: oversee a drug cartel or start a revolution (sometimes both). Chávez opted for the latter, launching a military coup against President Carlos Andrés Pérez on February 4, 1992, Venezuelan Groundhog Day.

Chávez’s strategy included occupying the Historical Museum in Caracas, where he was summarily trapped. Cut off from his collaborators and with only astronaut ice cream from the museum gift shop to sustain him, Chávez eventually gave up. Just like Ché Guevara, whose jock he totally sweated, Chávez later appeared on national television to address his followers and call off the rebellion. It was the highest-rated program in the country’s history—all 18 Venezuelans who owned TVs watched it.

"Presidency"

Chávez spent the next two years in jail, before receiving a pardon from President Rafael Caldera, whom he paid back by immediately chipping away at Caldera’s administration’s credibility and then unseating him in the 1998 presidential election.

Since then, he has ruled Venezuela under a revamped political doctrine known as "Chavismo," which is a lot like machismo, only without the cheesy moustaches and chain-link steering wheels. For the last decade, Chávez’s political conduct has consisted of running plays directly out of the authoritarian handbook: renaming the country, re-writing the constitution, assuming control of the oil sector, disbanding/reconvening parliament and his cabinet on personal whim, launching propagandist mission after propagandist mission, and drafting increasingly harsher restrictions against anyone daring to publicly criticize him.

Chávez survived a 2002 coup attempt that may or may not have been arranged by the CIA and a 2004 recall referendum, whose results were confirmed by ex-President Jimmy Carter, himself. After this last victory, a jubilant Chávez pledged to redouble his efforts against both poverty and imperialism, while promising to foster dialogue with his opponents. He did this by officially charging the recall petition organizers with treason.

"Foreign" "Relations"

It is important to note that with respect to Hugo Chávez’s conduct on the world stage, he is a dick created by other dicks, most notably the leaders of every oil-importing nation. Not only is Venezuela an OPEC member, its untapped resources coupled with new technology make it one of the most oil rich countries on earth, despite the fact that it is not located in the Middle East (although most Americans would probably place it there on an unmarked map).

Recent price spikes have granted Chávez access to billions of dollars—that’s just what a dick like him needs, an extension of his credit limit—and, as a result, a whole lot of chutzpah. Most recently, he initiated a program to provide cheaper heating fuel for low-income families in several areas of the United States, including poorer neighborhoods in New York City. This prompted the New York Daily News to criticize the offer by calling him an "oil pimp," despite the fact that no pimp, oil or otherwise, would be caught dead in that drab olive shirt he’s always wearing.

Chávez is the type of leader who likes to have his picture taken shaking hands with other dicks on the United States’ shit list (Castro, Qaddafi, Sean Penn).

He also enjoys making scenes at the United Nations. In June 2006, he announced Venezuela’s bid for a seat on the UN Security Council, reportedly going so far as offering to supply 20% of China’s oil needs in return for its vote. Due to this dick chicanery, or "dickanery," the UN remained deadlocked in 41 separate votes, until ultimately Chávez lost out to Panama. Yeah, that’s right. Panama.

Right around this time, Chávez stood up in front of the UN General Assembly and called George W. Bush "the devil." Of course, he failed to follow that up with crazy, vaguely threatening apocalyptic ramblings, and it’s not nearly as scary without the crazy, vaguely threatening apocalyptic ramblings.

While his remarks were strongly condemned by U.S. politicians and the media, they were received with wild applause in the Assembly, though the Assembly is well-known to applaud everything, including that star-studded piece of crap UN movie The Interpreter.

Uncut

There’s a more than decent chance Hugo Chávez is uncircumcised. Just putting that out there.

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12:58 PM - Punching Paparazzi
Current mood: indifferent
Category: News and Politics

Sean Penn

A Dicky Wiki

Early Life

Born in Santa Monica, California, Sean Penn was steeped in Hollywood activism, or "actorvism," from his earliest days. His father, Leo Penn, was blacklisted by Senator McCarthy for being a staunch supporter of Joseph Stalin. The ban was eventually lifted, and the elder Penn returned to Hollywood in full force, directing such politically-charged masterpieces as Columbo Goes to the Guillotine and several episodes of "Jake and the Fatman." Penn’s mother, Eileen Ryan, is also an actress. Though not an agitator per se, she didn’t take her husband’s last name, which kind of makes her one of those troublemaking women’s libbers.

Penn has two brothers, actor Chris Penn, who died in 2006, and musician Michael Penn, whose career died more than a decade earlier.

Though Irish Catholic on his mother’s side, and descended from Lithuanian Rabbis on his father’s, Penn was raised in a secular home, an upbringing typically described as "agnosdick."

Sean Penn briefly attended Santa Monica College, but did not graduate, perhaps due to his habit of having pizzas delivered to class. Despite having not completed college, Penn is nonetheless, a Ph.D: Pretty huge Dick.

Career

Sean Penn’s acting career has lasted close to three decades, not bad for a guy whose résumé prior to Carlito’s Way consisted almost entirely of punching photographers.

Often described as an acting "powerhouse," Sean Penn is known for his intensity and humorlessness. He has been a druggie, a delinquent, mentally-unhinged, and a retard. He has also played those characters in films.

As is often the case with megalomaniacal actors, Sean Penn was not content merely in front of the camera. His first directorial effort was the music video for Shania Twain’s "Dance with the One That Brought You." Naturally, this work paved the way for his next directing credits, The Crossing Guard, about vengeance killing, and The Pledge, also about vengeance killing—a common theme for both Shania Twain collaborators and listeners. Most recently Sean Penn wrote and directed Into the Wild, about a dick hitchhiker who rides around America and [spoiler alert] starves to death in the Alaskan wilderness.

In 2003, Sean Penn received an Oscar for Best Actor for his performance in Mystic River, joining fellow dick Russell Crowe as the only other convicted batterer to claim that distinction.

Personal Life

Sean Penn’s personal life began to attract media attention with his marriage to Madonna in 1985. Madonna dedicated her album True Blue to Penn, referring to him in the liner notes as "the coolest guy in the universe." Penn celebrated this by pleading guilty to domestic assault charges. The two divorced in 1986. The marriage produced no children and one film, Shanghai Surprise, of which neither partner wanted to claim custody.

Currently, Sean Penn is married to The Princess Bride, with whom he has two children, daughter Dylan (behind McKenzie, the second-most popular name dicks give their kids) and son Hopper. That’s right, Hopper.

Always looking for a fight, Sean Penn engaged in a verbal altercation at the 77th Academy Awards with host Chris Rock, wasting 45 of the 60 seconds allotted to every presenter to defend middling dick Jude Law. Penn was so worked up over the confrontation that it took beating up five paparazzi to calm him down. (Penn’s handlers reportedly keep several around at all times for just that purpose.)

Sean Penn likes to sneer. A lot.

Social/Political Causes

Like George Clooney, Richard Gere, or any of the Baldwin brothers, Sean Penn suffers from the delusion that portraying deep, serious characters on screen makes him a deep, serious person in real life. As such, he has made a name for himself by shooting his mouth off about issues with which he has no real familiarity and employing both characteristic bombast and horribly mangled metaphors. In other words, he is the perfect Hollywood activist.

Sean Penn’s crazy, one-sided rant of choice is the open letter to President Bush, printed as a full-page ad in newspapers such as the Washington Post and the New York Times. In Penn’s first open letter, he criticized the Bush administration for its "deconstruction of civil liberties" and its "simplistic and inflammatory view of good and evil." His more recent comments include the incisive political observation, "we can fire this president and put him in fucking jail."

Sean Penn likes to visit war-torn, third-world hellholes (Iraq, Iran, New Orleans) and tour around in a khaki vest and yellow-lensed aviator glasses, which is a pretty good look for him (or, actually, any dick actorvist). He also has a habit of meeting with controversial figures, such as the imams at University of Tehran and Venezuelan pinga Hugo Chavez. In September 2005, Sean Penn lent his talents to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, physically rescuing many victims himself while only punching out a few. Imagine the surprise when people discovered themselves being airlifted by Sean Penn, especially those expecting Judge Rheinhold.

Iraq War

Thanks entirely to the efforts of Sean Penn and the whole Hollywood activist community, the Iraq War ended quickly and peacefully, ushering in a new era of stability in the Middle East.

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9:22 AM - Steamroller of F**king...
Current mood: amused
Category: News and Politics

Eliot Spitzer

A Dicky Wiki

Governer Spitzer describing the intimate

  details of "Kristen’s" experience

 at the Emperor’s Club VIP.

Spitzer was born and raised in the Bronx borough of New York City, an area composed mostly of poor blacks, with a small segment of wealthy whites. Spitzer is not black.

Some children that are born wealthy and privileged do not lord their advantages over others and believe that what is really a matter of chance was somehow their due. Spitzer was not this sort of child.

Spitzer went on to attend Princeton University, the number one-ranked school in the country in DPC (dicks per capita), and Harvard Law School, where he met his future, and presently, sad wife, Silda Wall Spitzer.

After graduating, he joined the law firm of Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison, where he’s not only a former associate, but he’s also a client -- as this is the firm Spitzer has engaged to defend him in his prostitution scandal.

Two years later, Spitzer began the long road to irony when he became a prosecutor, joining the office of Manhattan District Attorney Robert M. Morgenthau. In the next six years, he became richer at the law firms of Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom and Constantine and Partners. In 1998, Spitzer defeated incumbent Republican dick Dennis Vacco to New York State Attorney General.

As attorney general, Spitzer immediately went after white collar crime: investment bankers, CEOs, finance executives, and traders. In other words, people exactly like himself, often called "type-A-holes."

As these are among the worst people in the world, Spitzer’s popularity went up. And in 2006, he was elected governor of New York after defeating a Republican named something "Faso."

His most notable achievement has been managing to stay in office for a year and-a-half.

In March 2008, Spitzer admitted to wrongdoing after The New York Times reported that he was involved in a prostitution ring under investigation by the federal government, making Spitzer one of the few politicians whose popularity ratings are improved by a hooker scandal.

Early life and family

Spitzer was born to Austrian Jewish parents, and raised in the affluent Riverdale section of The Bronx in New York City. His family was not particularly religious and Spitzer did not have a bar mitzvah. Many people find they don’t need the grounding of religion to lead upstanding moral lives. And then there is Eliot Spitzer.

Spitzer is a graduate of Horace Mann School, aka, exactly the sort of school you’d think a rich, cocky, entitled bully would go to. Proof that nerds can also be pricks, Spitzer scored 1590 on the SAT exam. Spitzer attended Princeton University, known for its charming eating clubs and wealth-based social hierarchy.

He went on to Harvard Law School, where he met and married Silda Wall. They married on October 17, 1987. Though it is not know what ratio of sexual intercourse Spitzer has with his wife versus high price hookers, it is assumed that he had sex at least three times with his wife, as they have three daughters.

In accordance with his lifelong ability to be involved with dicks, either on the same side or as adversaries, one of Spitzer’s classmates at Harvard Law School was loud-mouth Wall Street jackass Jim Cramer, host of CNBC’s Mad Money.

Manhattan District Attorney’s office

Spitzer joined the staff of Manhattan District Attorney Robert M. Morgenthau, where, as with Rudolph Giuliani, he immediately gravitated toward the high-profile, publicity-rich cases often sought out by media-whoring future politicians: organized crime.

His biggest case came in 1992, when Spitzer led the investigation against the Gambino organized crime family, which made for a tough case to know which side to root for... sort of like the custody dispute between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

Political career

After losing the 1994 primary, Spitzer managed to only narrowly defeat Republican hack Dennis Vacco to become New York State Attorney General in 1998.

As Attorney General Spitzer wasted no time in abusing his office for the sake of his political career. But because most of his high-profile cases were mounted against the worst people in American -- Wall Street executives -- his strategy was successful.

Often, his method would be to piggy-back on federal cases by using a New York statute to allow his office to prosecute cases that were considered to be within federal jurisdiction. In January 2005, the president of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce described Spitzer’s approach as "the most egregious and unacceptable form of intimidation we’ve seen in this country in modern times." Again, hard to pick a horse in that battle. Sadly, Spitzer was working in an arena in which it’s generally impossible for both sides to lose.

Loan investigation

Like many of the banker dicks he was prosecuting, Spitzer got ahead the hard way: by having to have an awkward conversation with his wealthy father. In Spitzer’s case, that resulted in a multi-million dollar loan his father, Bernard Spitzer, gave him when he ran for Attorney General in 1998. It was revealed that Spitzer lied about it and claimed that he secured the $5 million loan by mortgaging apartments his father had given him. It was later revealed that his father was actually paying off the loans and, therefore, was financing his campaign.

Governorship

In 2006, Spitzer’s amazing luck of always managing to find himself in battle with only the most execrable opponents continued in his race for governor. On November 7, 2006 he was able to defeat Republican non-entity, John Faso.

New York is known to have among the worst state politics in the country, largely because of a corrupt dick named Joe Bruno. If there were an Oscar given for the worst state legislators in America, Joe Bruno would have a shelf full of them.

Though Spitzer came in on a platform of reform, his only lasting achievement has been to actually make Joe Bruno look good by comparison, a feat that has likely shocked even Joe Bruno, who is too smart to not hate himself.

Spitzer’s gift for charm was exemplified by an exchange with New York State Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco: "Listen," Spitzer said, "I’m a fucking steamroller and I’ll roll over you and anybody else." Though, clearly, he is very, very determined at "fucking," that is not the way the exchange was taken at the time.

Spitzer’s ear for politics was shown in a proposal he made in the fall of 2007. With New York State Senator Hillary Clinton running for president, and with illegal immigration already a charged issue in the campaign, Spitzer, one of Clinton’s most visible backers, thought it would be a good idea to introduce a bill allowing illegal aliens to get driver’s licenses.

After Lou Dobbs’ head exploded, and Clinton was put in the awkward position of having to comment on the plan, the bill was finally withdrawn.

Steamroller of fucking

On March 10, 2008, The New York Times reported t