Lucky number....
Current mood: frustrated

There's a woman I work with that I've been thinking about in very naughty ways.

Sorry, Cuddy, it's not you.... in case you're reading this.

In case she is, I better use a very clever code name for her. Let's call her "Betty".
On a scale from 1-10, "Betty" is... I dunno, let's say... a 13.

Sadly, I think Cuddy is wise to my plan now that I tricked her into letting me keep "Betty" on my staff. Although, the problem is still how to get "Betty" on my staff. Yes, a cheap sexual metaphor! Thank you!

Yes, this may be considered "unprofessional" and I'd NEVER be unprofessional.... *cough* However, doctors have needs too. And I recently found out that firing someone makes them somewhat less inclined to go on a date with you. So much for separating business and pleasure.

It's the old catch-22, kids. If you try to get in the pants of a co-worker that's unprofessional. If you fire them, they get all mad about it and won't date you.

Oh well, until I figure it out there's always my "Gia" and "Foxfire" DVDs...

-Dr. House

PS Support the WGA in the writers strike. Check out this site:
http://unitedhollywood.com
After all, without writers writing nude scenes for Ms. Jolie, your pal Dr. House would have no sex life these days. And without General Hospital, I'd have nothing to do when avoiding work.

Currently listening : Look Sharp! By Joe Jackson Release date: 14 August, 2001

1:20 AM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

A NEW BLOG!!

...And this is it.
Oh, I'm such a bastard!





Don't act like you don't love the abuse. That's why you're here, isn't it? Oh... it's about the rash? My mistake.

-Dr. House

12:11 AM - 9 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

Responses to comments on my page

To People who have since been deleted: I don't need Viagra, If I did I could get it, since I'm a doctor and all. And thus, my Vicodin is also covered. So thanks for the info about the Mexican internet pharmacy but I'm all good.
I also, don't need any ringtones. And certainly I don't need to sign up for a ringtone subscription service. No matter how tempting your offer of a free "Party Like A Rockstar" ringtone may be.

To various people: Yes, I AM Dr. House. No, I am not Hugh Laurie. As for Role-playing. I covered that in the blog appropriately titled: "Role-Playing"

No, I can't hook you up with any Vicodin... but I know of a Mexican internet pharmacy you can look into. Caveat Emptor, kids!

Yes, I am looking for a new staff. Send resumes, nude photos, bribes and gifts to Dr. House c/o Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.

No, I won't comment your page or comment your pics... unless I do. In which case, it means I was probably drunk and Wilson stopped answering my prank phone calls.

Yes, I am awesome and of course I'm your hero.

To G-man: I don't think Chase is a "petafile". Is that someone who does filing and clerical work for PETA? Ohh, you meant "pedophile". No, he did kiss that dying young girl once but that's just because he's a gullible Aussie who can be manipulated by children.

To Hippie Chick: who says: "I just got my "Everybody Lies" HOUSE shirt."... I don't believe you.

To Julie: Since you seem to have lots and lots and lots of free time, here are a few books recommendations: "The Toy Collector" by James Gunn. "The Gun Seller" by Hugh Laurie (yes, the one that kinda looks like me). "The Counterlife" by Philip Roth. "Diary" by Chuck Palahniuk.

To John: Yes, pre-med college girls are great. So... eager to learn.

Okay, that should keep you freaks satisfied for now. I say that with love. No really...

-Dr. House

11:55 AM - 4 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Role Playing?!

So, I've noticed a lot of you weirdos are into this Role Playing thing...

Now, I've done a bit of Role Playing with prostitutes before but that was always a good time. However, typing messages back and forth on myspace about how you come into my office and you say something awkward and then I say something curt and then you talk about your feelings... I'm not really seeing the appeal there. That sounds like every day at work with Cameron.

So, if you wanna role play with Dr. House, I'd suggest that you're A. female (and at least 18) B. Attractive and C. Very naughty. From there, you could be Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and I could be the evil Doctor who you need information from. Perhaps you might tie me up and slap me around a bit until you realize that I'm too medicated with vicodin to feel much pain and decide that the best way to get the information you need is to seduce me. Oh yeah. Now, we're on to something.
Bonus points if you live within driving distance of NJ and actually have a Lara Croft outfit. Even better yet, your name is Angelina Jolie... Oh, Yeah!

Okay, I have to take care of some personal business now.

Adios, internet freaks. Stay well and if you can't stay well at least get sick in an interesting and diagnostically challenging way. And don't forget to annoy Wilson whenever possible.

-Dr. House

11:24 AM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

What the internet is for... *hint* It's not for becoming a doctor.

My internet friend "Josie Grosie" brought up something about people using the internet to diagnose themselves and then going to the doctor and questioning the diagnosis. If she only knew the half of it. This seriously happens to me on a daily basis. So, in the interest of setting any of you people who might think of doing this straight... you all obviously have internet access after all... I present my response below. So, now you have no excuse. If any of you come into my clinic, I don't want to hear the internet mentioned unless it's about how my myspace page has been like a ray of sunshine and joy in your otherwise dreary life... or you found some really great celebrity "Nip-Slip" pics that I should check out.

Currently reading : Rights and Responsibilities of Doctors By British Medical Association Release date: June, 1992

6:48 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

The witch hunt of your friend DR. Greg HOUSE
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life

I apologize for not blogging in a while. I know that your lives are completely empty without my blogs... however. I have a certain... law enforcement agent who has been doing his best to make my life miserable. A pissing contest that I wish I wasn't involved in ---but now that I've been forced into, I intend to win.

Unnamed prick whose name rhymes with "shitter" has been pretending to be all noble in his witch hunt of me when in reality, he's just pissed that I so easily humiliated him. Sore Loser. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he'll be reading this and using it against me so, let me just say: I am NOT an addict. I am a person with severe pain as a result of an infarction in my leg and need certain medication to alleviate said pain and allow me to continue my work of SAVING LIVES!

Johnny Law, because I one-upped him and made him look like the bully ass that he is, wants to make me out to be a dangerous junkie despite the fact that my so-called dangerous, addictive self has saved at least a few lives by diagnosing conditions that the rest of the staff at PPTH had missed.

So, bottom line here kids... if you get contacted by a cop, make sure you tell him how awesome I am and how I save lives, etc. etc. and in the words of the modern poets Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, Easy-E, et all: FUCK THA POLICE!

Stay healthy, my internet ducklings.

-- DR. G. HOUSE

Currently listening : Straight Outta Compton By N.W.A. Release date: 25 October, 1990

1:01 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Ali, oh Ali.

I once had an elderly woman who thought she was in love with me. It was kinda disturbing but I must admit I was disappointed when I found out she only lusted after me because of brain damage caused by syphilis.

Lately, I had a 17 1/2 year old lusting after me. It was totally hot but I must admit that I was disappointed when it turned out to be spores from an earthquake she was in. But who knows... maybe the spores only intensified what was already there. A man can dream. C'mon. She's hot.

I mean Cuddy is pretty hot... she has some nice gams. However, she has that annoying quality of seeing all my flaws that a 17.5 year old just doesn't. Plus I think if I tried to pass off a direct quote from Casablanca as my own words, Cuddy might pick up on it but Ali... Well, either she had no clue or she played along --either way... very appealing.

What?! I like young, hot girls... I blame adverstising and fashion. Most models are under 20. It's not my fault! I'm a helpless victim of marketing brainwashing. Pity me.
Pity me especially if you're a hot young girl.

C'mon! Ali e-mailed me 9 times (maybe excessive BUT) she sent me this pic....



Wow. Okay. Off to take some Vicodin and pass out.

-Dr. House

1:55 AM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Paging Doc Rad

Dear Blog Addicts of Myspace,

I apologize that it's been a while since you've been treated to the endlessly entertaining sardonic wit of your myspace pal, Dr. House but I've been busy. Yeah, with the medicine thing but also with my new skateboarding hobby. Just the other day, I pulled a totally bitchin' Ollie. The kids at the park now call me "Doc Rad". That's right. I'm blessed with a neverending supply of awesomeness.

As my sk8r buddies say,
L8R!

2:01 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

FAQ of Dr. House

1. Why are there so many Dr. House profiles on the internet and how do I know if you're the real Dr. House?

I really don't know why so many people are pretending to be me on myspace. I knew I was well-known / infamous in the medical community but having fans on the internet is just weird. I can't prove I'm the real Dr. Gregory House and I don't care what you think but some of these profiles have inaccurate information, awful spelling and nothing more than a couple of my best quotes. Use some deductive reasoning, kiddies.

I wish some of these impersonators would impersonate me when I have clinic duty. Let's see how much they like being me when some little kid sneezes in their face or they have to look at the third rash of the day right before lunch.


2. Is the profile of Dr. Wilson / one of your staff really them?

I doubt it. I'm pretty sure that the Dr. Wilson on my profile is really him but when I asked him about it he denied having a myspace page so, I'm not sure. I think he's using it to flirt with girls and won't admit it because he thinks I'll endlessly mock him and ask him if he's got any myspace dates. Of course, that's exactly what I'd do. So, it's understandable that he'd deny it.


3. You look a lot like Hugh Laurie!

That's not a question!


4. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Hugh Laurie?

That's better. I was watching Blackadder with Wilson when he was crashing on my couch.
We had a conversation that went something like this:

Wilson: "You look like that actor that plays George"
Me: "Hugh Laurie? I don't wear rouge and powered wigs and I'm never clean shaven."
WIlson: "I didn't say you dress like his character. I said you look like the actor."
Me: "I'm not British and he doesn't have a bum leg."
Wilson: "I didn't say you ARE Hugh Laurie. I said you look like him."
Me: "Duly noted. You look like that kid from Dead Poets Society."
Wilson: "Ethan Hawke?!"
Me: "No, the other kid."
Wilson: "Is that my sandwich you're eating?!"

Oh, good times.


5. I saw you on the cover of Entertainment Weekly in the supermarket!

Again, not a question but okay. Surely you're mistaken. Why would I be on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? Are you sure it wasn't The Journal of Infectious Diseases. Wait... they don't sell that in supermarkets. Kind of a bummer while you're buying your Captain Crunch.

I think you may've been hallucinating. You should come in for an MRI.


6. Are you in love with Cameron / Cuddy / Wilson?

No, no, and no. That doesn't mean I don't think naughty thoughts about them on occasion. Excluding Wilson. Wilson is a handsome man. He's smart and occasionally funny and he's got a good job but as anyone with half a brain knows, sexual orientation isn't a choice. Besides, Wilson has a problem with fidelity now -can you imagine if he was gay? If we were both gay, I wouldn't get involved with him. He'd break my gay heart by sleeping with the male nurse with the great abs.


7. You make a lot of inappropriate comments. Are you a racist, sexist, anti-semite? Do you hate Aussies?

Considering I hired a black man, a woman and an Aussie and my best friend is Jewish, I'd say you're an idiot if you think that. I push those buttons because I want them to realize that these prejudices still exist and they need to get over it and move on. Okay... the real reason I make those comments is -it's just SO much fun!


8. Why are you always flirting with girls half your age? Why are they always flirting with you?

I don't know the answer to the second question but I'd say the second question answers the first. Duh!


9. Why do you have a rat?

Jealous?


10. Dr. House, why don't you leave comments on my page four times a day?

Believe it or not, being a Doctor means I do occasionally have important work to do.
As for me gracing your page with a comment. It's gotta be good. Quality over quantity, kids.



EDIT: Here is some proof that I'm the real Dr. House. If it's written on the whiteboard, it must be true.


photo by Dr. Eric Foreman

1:19 PM - 7 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Differential Diagnosis on the go.

I received a great gift yesterday from one of my myspace friends. Luckily it wasn't Anthrax or excrement but rather a mini-whiteboard. It's about 8.5 x 11. Perfect for doing differentials on the go. For example, say... in the men's bathroom.
Hey, it's happened before... sometimes time is of the essence and you can't stop the differential diagnosing just because you have to pee.

I figure Chase can hold the board since he's SO not ready to use the markers. Cameron can use the marker which will distract her from her compulsion to try and sneak a peek at House Jr. Foreman... Foreman can say "It could be Lupus." before we all shoot him down. He's always gotta get that Lupus out of the way before he gets to his actually useful differential.

Thank you, myspace friend. Your generosity will be repaid by having Chase look foolish being a human mini-whiteboard stand.





Also, I saw this on my page today:



Does anyone else suspect the people making up these ads are on an obscene amount of mind-altering drugs?

12:46 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment