THOSE FUCKERS GOT MY MONEY!!
Current mood: breezy
Category: News and Politics

I try to buy a powerball anytime the jackpot gets over 50 million. WHY???

I guess it's my small escape into a fantasy world where for at least a few hours, I get to play what if....I get to play, I'm quitting my job and waste a shit load of money. I mean come on, who wouldn't waste it? You didn't have to work hard for it, so it becomes kinda worthless.

It reminds me of these self entitled lazy assholes, who for some reason have been living off the tax payer (ME) for years, and for lack of a better word have become institutionalized. That is to say they have been doing this for so long, the helping hand out is now expected, even OWED to them.

Case in point, I have many but this is just one-This guy I know got a psycho discharge from the army. He now receives about $3600 a month, which is not enough to take expensive trips around the world but it is enough to live in a nice neighborhood in a nice house. Now even though this should chap my ass, it really doesn't. HOWEVER...when he bitches about the army and the government all month, then rushes to the mail box on the first of every month to receive his check....I have to draw the line! Isn't that kinda like biting the hand that feeds you?

Now on a grander scheme, our government (ME) is bailing out lending institutions at a tune of 700 billion. Why? Maybe it's because they lent money to people who couldn't afford to live in that lifestyle they wanted to live in. AND if that's so, don't we already have a hand out program already in place....called welfare? What happens if we do this "double hand-out" program, and those receiving MY hand out come to expect it?

Being a dumb hick from the country, I'm sure this subject deserves much more consideration, however, I need to get back to work so I can pay more taxes and buy more lottery tickets.

P.S. Dear Santa, could you see your way to have the St. Louis Cardinals buy new pitchers in the off season.

1:24 PM - 57 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

COCKBLOCKED....by my sons!
Current mood: cultured
Category: Food and Restaurants

I don't want to bore you with the- "sorry, I've been busy" lame excuse for not being a myspace junkie this summer. Just know I'm a lazy piece of shit. (just ask my wife if you don't believe me)

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I got four tickets to a Cardinal baseball game last week. They were great seats in the Red Bird club too. Now, I could have asked a plethera of people to go, and yes, Steve- you were on my list, BUT.....I chose my two sons into baseball and my brother to go with me. As you know, the Cardinals are my all-time favorite team, so you'd think I would be totally satisfied just getting to go...right?

Well....not exactly. As you might also know, one of my other favorite things to do is drink alcohol. I'm pretty good at it too, as most of my blogs were written under the influence. So....I decided to combine the game with a few drinks...quite a few. And as my luck would have it, the Brewers came back and won, only to further my lust for whiskey.

So what does a pissed off drunk, from outta town do to drown his sorrows?

If you guessed almost getting beat up by the waitress at Hooters, trying to fight my brother, and getting us all banned from the downtown St. Louis Hooter's restaurant, you must be a psychic.

It all started innocent enough, we finally got a table and started to bitch about the Cards losing. It was then I noticed the two chicks, at the table next to us laughing at our conversation. I knew I had 'em at this point. So I used one of my great drunken pick up lines...."What are your thoughts on Tranny double penetration?" And guess what? It worked!

So without being asked, I moved to their table. I poured it on then, ya know....lines like- you wanna compare pubic hair length? and I bet I can make your panties look like a thong....on me. Yeah, I know....all stupid shit, but it was working....they were loving every bit of it. That is until my family moved in.

Sure, these girls were half my age, but I had 'em man! I was on my way to getting high tens performed on ME!!!! The next thing I know, my sons and brother started telling them my age, their age and all about me being a grandpa! That's right, I got cockblocked by my family!

Well, being old, drunk and pissed, all I could muster was, "FUCK OFF! THESE ARE MY BITCHES!" I guess in my drunken state, I said this a little louder than I thought, and our camel-toed waitress came over and asked if there was a problem.

Now I know I should have just shut the fuck up, but I couldn't, and I was trying to take the words back before they even left my mouth. I said, "we don't have a problem....but it looks like your shorts do....you should feed 'em some of these wings....they still look hungry."

Funny how the manager saying "leave or I'll call the cops" has a way of sobering you up, huh.

7:25 AM - 41 Comments - 40 Kudos - Add Comment

WANTED.....Large Vagina’d Woman!
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Writing and Poetry

Since my third penis reduction surgery didn't take, I've been extremely busy!!! My quack-cock doctor really fucked all up this time. I guess he thought I should be screwing whales or elephants....shit maybe buildings....who the fuck knows! Well, rest assured I've scheduled another appointment with Dr. Whackemoff. (he's supposed to be the best Oriental cockdoc)

It's not that I mind having an enormous penis, I'm just getting tired of being arrested from hanging out at the Nashville zoo on Saturday nights. (of course the freakin' pigs aren't buying my "I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut" excuse! Sadly neither are the elephants.)

Anyway....hope your summer is going well.

11:45 AM - 51 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

I HAD ONE TOO MANY...MAYBE TWO
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Parties and Nightlife

We had a get together last night that turned into a full-fledged orgy!

Ya see, Matt Snook and Phil Vandel stopped by to do some pickin'.....little did I know they were going to bring some cocaine and a five pound bag of weed. (which goes great with hookers and whiskey) Brent picked up five hookers from Dickerson Road and brought them along. Kenny brought over a case of Jack, Denise brought over nympho midget named Bubbles and a very kinky black sheep named Cracker.

Of course my wife scheduled one of her dildo sex parties and forgot to tell me! So, as you can imagine, things got a little out of hand....I remember at one point after Cracker ate all the dildos, Hominy Shizzle, one of Brent's hookers decided to put on a show. Well, things were really heating up till she got Phil's guitar stuck in her ass. (she couldn't get past the tuner knobs) Not to be outdone, Bubbles grabbed my fiddle and shoved it up her ass....the whole thing! I was ok with that, I think I bought that 15 years ago for $129.99, BUT...when Candy Crack (another one of the hookers) started working on my Fender bass..... Ya see, it didn't bother me she was already down to the tenth fret, I knew it was still plugged up-truth is, I knew she was going to blow my bass amp! BITCH!

So when I started protesting, Cherry Smack (another one of the hookers) pulled out a switch blade and threatened to cut off my balls. Well, the blade didn't look very sharp....and I do have a thick bag, so I called her bluff. As it turns out, the blade was a little sharper than I thought. And really....it didn't hurt that much, but what really pissed me off is when she threw my balls on the deck and Cracker ate them!!!! (I thought she was full from eating all the dildos...those sheep can really gorge themselves)

TIME OUT......You can stop reading if this is getting boring.

TIME IN.....

Through my tear filled eyes, I noticed everybody at the party had shoved an instrument in their ass.....AND THEY WERE GOOD INSTRUMENTS!!! The sad thing is, we had made a big pot of cornbread and beans and everyone ate their share. Well as they all started passing gas, through the smell came this beautiful sound of sweet harmonies-muffled of course, but you could still hear it. In fact, it was loud enough that my neighbors, Wolf and Smokey called the cops!

When the cop got to the deck, it was that fag cop from the Village People. It was pretty cool except I had to listen to Y M C fucking A about 50 times in a row!! It was about this time I passed out from some bad crack I got from one of the hookers named Canyon.....although it could have been from the fumes, I really can't remember.

When I woke up, I guess they thought it would be funny......I found myself impaled on my patio umbrella! That's right.....half way down too!!! Of course you know.....there's only one way off....

When my wife opened the umbrella, you guessed it....I shot up in the air about twenty feet. And that's why I think my head hurts!! It didn't have anything to do with the whiskey!!

Now you might think this was all a dream, but how do you explain my sudden craving for one of those pussy-ass, foofy drinks with an umbrella....huh?

7:36 AM - 57 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Pet Owners,
Category: MySpace

I think you need to employ my 'ol rules of dating......FEED 'EM, FUCK 'EM OR FORGET 'EM.

It's not that I mind being a pet, mind you, it would just be nice for one of my many owners to at least THROW ME A FUCKING BONE!

Sincerely,

Douggie's Amusement Parlor

8:05 AM - 65 Comments - 38 Kudos - Add Comment

Mr. Ed Speaks
Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Life

I probably should start selling sperm.....my shit is ALLL good! That's right, in addition to being hung like a horse (don't believe my wife-SHE'S A FAT LIAR!), my doc said I'm healthy as one too. No problems with anything; my LDLs &HDLs are both great, as well as my blood sugar and liver! Shit, I even lost about 20 lbs. So.....what did I do about it?

I celebrated all weekend by treating my body to excess amounts of alcochol, tobacco and usin' my gun. (the good kind of gun)

The bad news is, I have a shitty hangover.....BUT....the good news is, I have decided to start a new business. Ya see, since I'm 46 and healthy as a horse, I've believe it's all in my jeans...literally. So for a short time ONLY, I am offering a great new product. I call the business Natural Love Spawn.

For only $199.99, one of our trained professionals (ME) will non-artifically inseminate you ladies. THAT'S RIGHT.....ONLY $199.99!!!!!

must be natural female...all sex changes must be approved in writing. only females 25-60 years old. no mustaches! (at least thicker than mine) each application takes one to two minutes. 20% discount for anything over a D cup. not responsible for damaged vaginas, headboards, beds, car back seats, car shocks or bedroom floors. women with large mean husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends need not apply. all daddy's helpers are extra. reach arounds are extra. feathers are extra. animals are extra. 10% discount for exra ladies during love spawn session-one to two minute rule still applies though. applicants must suppy condoms, lube, whiskey, dinner and a two hour back massage. applicants must supply two night stay at a five star motel room. applicant must supply all travel expenses. applicants must send nude photo in advance. 10% discount for nude photos of friends-female. No dudes! No chicks with dicks! No chicks who look like dudes! no refunds!

7:27 AM - 58 Comments - 54 Kudos - Add Comment

PIONEER PORN?
Current mood: ninja
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

First of all, thanks for playing my stupid-ass songs on your myspace profiles. Brent pointed out to me that the Unknown Massager is ranked in the top artists on myspace. That surprises the shit outta me, because as you know, I am no artist; I'm just a mechanical little fucker, who is taking a break from writing "serious" songs to write about the stupid shit I think about while under the influence.

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Now, for another surprise.......

How about those cult fuckers down in Texas? That's all that seems to be on the news lately!

Am I surprised they got their kids taken away from them? NO!

If you put your kids in a bad situation, at least deemed by today's society, you can get your kids taken away!!! I know when I was tot, I got my ass beat all the time-and I just had ONE mom! Imagine having a few moms to whip your ass?

Am I surprised the authorities haven't been inside the compound in years?? NO!

As a younger, single Massager, I banged scores of women and just short of bestiality, I managed a lot of kinky shit and not even once- did the cops break in.

Am I surprised a man would take on many wives? HELL NO!!!

Shit, being married over twenty years in my life, I've thought about it a bunch!!! You know...a wife for cooking, a wife for cleaning, a wife for working, a wife for "normal" sex, a wife for BJs, an anal wife, a kinky wife, a fisting wife, a swallowing wife, a wife who gives a reach around when I'm in the mood, a wife who doesn't mind if she gets bruises from the head board, a wife who gets a feather......well you get the picture. COME ON! Can you blame these fuckers? He's just living the dream baby!

Now for the surprising part......

WHAT ABOUT THOSE FREAKY-ASS WOMEN???? Jesus Cripes (added just for this story), I've seen hotter women on Rawhide!!!! I think I'd rather jerk off to a picture of my dead Grandma, than have sex with those broads! I mean, come on....this is 2008-Those outfits and hairstyles went out in the forties  ......THE EIGHTEEN FORTIES!!! Yanno, I'm an avid porn site follower and have been for years. BUT....in all my cyber-sex escapades, I have never witnessed Pioneer Porn....NEVER!

Thoughts?

8:05 AM - 43 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

ASS GAS OR GRASS......
Current mood: betrayed
Category: News and Politics

FUCKING AMAZING! I mean really, isn’t it just incredibly fucking AMAZING? I better go back a bit to........

OK, not to toot my own horn, BUT........

I started working at age 9, yeah, that’s right....NINE! My dad owned a restaurant and since I wanted spending money.....(don’t ask me for what-I really can’t remember-honestly, I think I spent most of it on pinball machines) but anyway, my dad hired me to work in the kitchen doing mainly dishes and some prep. This was the shitiest job available at the restaurant; I got paid ONE DOLLAR per hour........AND I WAS HAPPY TO GET IT! (Not bragging-just a fact) Hell, I remember almost slicing off my thumb cutting potatoes-I still have the scar to prove it!

I guess it paid off, because my parents MADE me buy my own car. I took out a loan at age 16 to pay for my p.o.s. Monte Carlo, which I paid off in six months. I worked at a "fillin’ station", I baled hay in the summer, and believe it or not, picked up walnuts in the fall.....just to pay for gas, insurance and any other bills that came up.

As I got older, sure, I borrowed money from my dad for my down payment on my first property. It was a real piece of shit trailer....with another trailer and a shop, which I rented out to make the payment. AND-yes I paid my dad back TWICE for the loan; once because I owed him and recently, because he didn’t remember I paid him. (Recovering alcoholic......whole ’nother story)

After a few years of marriage, I decided to go to college; which I took out student loans... AND PAID THEM ALL OFF! In fact, I helped pay off an ex’es as well as my current wife’s student loans. Since then, I’ve bought properties, vehicles and equipment. And yes, I’ve either paid them off or am paying them off as well.

Now, it might seem I’m asking for an "atta boy" or a "good for you, asshole," BUT I’M NOT! You see, I just look at all this "shit" as being trained to be a responsible person..... JUST LIKE MOST OF YOU! I get up every day and go to work. Then, I get up and do it all over again. I am what you would call......just an average Joe. That’s right, I pay my bills and try not to make any stupid decisions......I mean, come on, isn’t that just average?

Ok, now getting back to the "FUCKING AMAZING" part..........

Our government, as well as some candidates running for office have a "bale-out" plan. A BAIL OUT PLAN? How do you bail out stupidity? I’m referring to the housing-bull shit bail-out plan. They want to bail out the idiot mortgage lenders for writing "bad paper," as well as the stupid-ass people, who took out an ARM loan!!!!!!

Let me see if I can reconstruct the scenario..............This should be simple since there are only three main characters involved........

One-the idiot potential home owners (IPHO), who says, "just make it fit into my payment budget."

Two-the asshole mortgage lender "SALESMAN." (AMLS) This asshole doesn’t give two shits if you can afford it, he just wants to make a fucking sale.

And three-the stupid-ass politician (SAP), who will do anything for your vote. So here goes.....

IPHO- Gee Mr. AMLS, we’d sure like to buy that house, but we can’t afford the payment.

AMLS- That’s not a problem-let’s try some creative financing. What you need is an ARM loan.

IPHO-Can you make it fit into our payment budget?

AMLS-Sure.

IPHO-Are there any downfalls to an ARM?

AMLS-Not really....well maybe if the rate adjusts up, but that probably won’t happen.

IPHO-....And if it does?

AMLS-By then, your income should go up, and besides, worst case scenario is you’ll sell your house and make money.

IPHO- Where do we sign?

Of course, we all know what happened to the rates as well as the slumping housing market. Meanwhile, the home owners can’t make their payment, and they can’t sell their houses without selling them for less than they owe......so......they file bankruptcy. The lenders have to take back houses they don’t want....all for writing bad paper!

Sorry for the boring recap, as I’m sure most of you know all this. However, here’s the part that really chaps my ass.

During an election year, we have all these SAPs wanting to gain an edge for capturing office. And as you know, they will do and say just about anything to make it happen. Hey, and guess who gets to foot the bill? That’s right....the American taxpayer....in other words...ME!!

You know, I’m no economic genius, but.....doesn’t the market correct it’s own self? Besides, why should we be penalized for other’s stupidity? I think if anything- we should be getting a tax break for not being the dumbasses, who subscribe to "I wanna do over."

Maybe I’m just old-school, but what ever happened to-if you can’t afford it, DON’T BUY IT! Call me a relic, but I also believe, "ASS, GAS OR GRASS-NO ONE RIDES FOR FREE!"

8:08 PM - 75 Comments - 62 Kudos - Add Comment

WHO DOESN’T LOVE A GGHUNT?
Current mood: virginal
Category: Automotive

I’ve had my fill of customer phone service!! Who the fuck made the monumental, stupid-ass decision to outsource "customer care" to the Indians? (dot on the head ones) I would rather talk to a thirteen year old, studdering rapper with a hair lip!  I MEAN.....

FUCK!!!

Oh yeah, by the way.....

HAPPY EASTER ALL

9:43 PM - 37 Comments - 54 Kudos - Add Comment

BODILY NOISE SURVEY
Current mood: animated
Category: Food and Restaurants

Rhyme and reason....ya know, it's all about rhyme & reason. Let me explain......

See, in order for me to say the shit I'm about to say, I'm going to give you some bullshit reason why I think the way I do. Now, I don't really know why I feel the need to justify...I JUST DO.

I've had a busy week...(this is straight shit talk) and I got the itch to buy a new guitar- as I feel I need something to jump start me. (Even if this is true-the itch part, I don't NEED another guitar, as I have four, so I WANT another guitar....either way, just more bullshit talk to pull you into this bullshit blog) So I've been online shopping at different sites. (Again....more "who gives a shit" horseshit)

While online, I decided to check out my 14 year old's myspace page, as well as her friend's...and ya know what I found? (Just a drama tactic to pull you in deeper-pay no attention as I graduated from Bullshit U) I found all these stupid-ass surveys. You know the ones, where however you answer will determine if you'll be married, rich, be a good kisser, what European city you are, if you'll be decapitated by a pro-midget wrestler. (Nice touch, but stating the obvious....just more full of shit fill)

Anyway, it got me wondering...(ok here goes, finally! I sure took my sweet fucking time.)... about having my own survey. I call it, What Bodily Noise Are You? It will determine just how full of shit you really are. Sure, I thought about the belch; yanno-full of hot air, but no substance.(farting works nicely here as well.....SOMETIMES!) I also thought about the stomach growl-the "I'm hungry for more shit material" so I can expel it sound. However, I settled for the.....UMMMM....I don't really know what it's called. Do you know the sound that starts somewhere in the intestinal/ bowel region, that's basically a warning to GET YOUR ASS TO A TOILET-NOW!!!!

That's right, I'm partial to that sound...Why? Because that's the noise that is SO full of shit, it has the power to rip a new asshole.

Oddly, this is how I feel about surveys. (It only took a half a page to say this? Steaming BS!)

What Bodily Noise Are You?

11:45 AM - 41 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment