Emotional days....
Current mood: stressed

Ive been in a whirl  wind of positive emotions.  I have found a wonderful man who Ive been spending most days with.  Even though I didnt want to jump into a relationship, this pirate stole my heart.  But the past few days have been weighing heavy on my heart.  My pirate has been there by my side supporting me through it all and this I am thankful for.  It is nearing the time of the month with emotions are at their peak anyways and now I h ave added stress from ds's bipolar again.  It maybe the move is finally catching up to him, maybe the fact there is another man around, maybe the heat, maybe a needed med adjustment.  It maybe a combination of all of them.  Today ds had a meltdown at the summer program he's been going too, which prompted the staff to call the crisis team.  Emotions poured right through my eyes.  I couldnt stop it from coming and tears filled my eyes quickly.  Since we moved we have to get a new IEP, before his special school will let him back.  So now we are trying to make due with public services in the mean time.  but unfortunately, they dont have the knowledge, training or patients needed to deal with a severly emotionally distressed bipolar child.  The crisis team that responded today was wonderful.  they will be making arrangements for my son to have a little more support during the summer  program.  Now I just need to get my son into his psych dr to see about adjusting meds.  But for now, im gonna take some midol, slip into a nice hot bath, and munch on some chocolate

10:43 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

"Not The Doctor"
Current mood: bummed

"Not The Doctor"

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry for
I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

3:08 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

You want WHAT for that?????
Current mood: bullied

Today I took my darling son to the doctors to get a refill on meds and get an order for labs.  He is blessed with having Kaiser through his dad and Medi-cal through me.  Medi-cal picks up the copays.  With as often as he sees drs it has helped alot.  Everything went smoothly.  The doctor put the Rx in the system and we have to go back in the am after kiddo has fasted to get his blood drawn.  Then we headed off to the pharmacy to get the Rx.  His name finally came up after 45 mins.  I get up to the counter and the guy says, "ok, that will be $185.05."  I said "What??? how could that be, medi-cal is suppose to cover that".  The Kaiser plan his father has provided has a name brand deductable on Rx's, and supposedly medi-cal wont cover it.  Both of the pills kiddo is on are name brand.  The guy let me pick up part of the Rx with the understanding that I have to come back and get the other one, otherwise we will be billed for the deductable for the one I picked up.  I currently have $50 in the bank account.  I just paid all my bills.  I am so pissed off right now.  I called his father and asked if he could help and I got this long drawn out story about how child support just drained his bank account.  I told him that I havent seen any of that money yet and his needs his pills NOW!!!  He said he would try and get the money.  My mom said that if he cant help she will see what she could do.  I cant believe how much medications cost.  They want my bipolar child to function as a normal citizen of society but they make it really really hard.  Im tempted to go postal on someone soon.

Not only am I stressed about his meds, I was told that his school is going to drop him because we dont live in the same district that approved him.  Again, someone is making it hard for me to show a good example.  I did get alot of very helpful info from a friend who is going through similar circumstances.  But until things get resolved Im a little stressed.  Well, ok, Im done venting for now.

1:45 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Just a few mins
Current mood: naughty

Im just sittin by the dock of the bay for a few mins and wanted to share my stupidity for today. I was getting pills out for me and Billy. I had them on the table. I got mildly distracted, grabbed my pills and took them. I called Billy over to take his pills. When I looked down, I only saw my pills on the table. OMG... I took Billy's pills instead of mine. How retarded can I get. I took a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic. I tried tothrow them up, but all that did was make my face all blotchy. So I took a caffine pill to counteract the sedative effect. Right now I am feeling loopy, silly, and giggly, really just in a real good mood, plus I am hyper and really tired at the same time. Go figure. So I: had a major blonde moment today. Hope my stupidity made you laugh. Im laughing about it too.

11:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stripped Socks and Chaos
Current mood: relieved

Whom ever has crossed my page or my life knows at least a little of what has been going on.  Well tonight, things have changed.  After a huge fight that was started by Andrew's mom, I packed what I could into a duffle and left.  Even though I am stressed about how things are going to take place these next few days (mainly with Billy), I do feel a sense of relief.  My mom and sister said they would help me out as much as they could.  I need to do some serious cleaning here at moms.  Mine and Billy's rooms are no where near ready for us to come yet.  I also have to go over to Andrews to pack up my stuff. 

I really hate to ask for help, but any help that is offered I wont turn away.  My old room was packed up from before, then stuff added, stuff gone through, and gone through again.  Needless to say, its a disaster area.  Me with my one good arm am going to have a hard time by myself.

So Im free now.  Thats the main thing.  Its only good things from here on out.

8:04 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Desperate Times call for Desperate Measures
Current mood: stressed

Im really not happy with things in my life right now.  As many of my friends know, I want to move out of Andrew's house.  I am tired of taking care of him, when he does nothing to return the favor.  All he does day after day is lay around.  When he isnt asleep he is trying to rule the house.  I have to wash all the clothes, fix any thing that needs fixing, make dinner if his mom isnt home.  Because if I dont do it, it wont get done.  I wouldnt have a problem if they were shared, but they arent.  I have to work, I have bills to pay.  His mom pays all his bills.  Besides his bipolar is far from undercontrol so he says he couldnt keep a job.  So after getting up and leaving the house before the sun gets up, working all day, then driving an hour and a half home, I still need to do things around the house.  I dont want to be around him.  I try to go out of the house like with my friends as often as I can.  Even if I cant afford to hang out with my friends, I at least go to the park or something with Billy.  He has also been way too clingy.  I dont mind a little clingy, but he has pushed past my comfort zone.  An example is when I get home from work, he is at my car door before I even have my seatbelt off.  Its one thing to miss someone, but its another to be sooooo obsessive.  I like phone calls during the day, I like cute messages, I love to be missed, and I love to cuddle.  But 6 calls within eight hours, with 6 voicemails, and 5 text messages, stopping me every time Im on the way to the bathroom to hug me, and getting mad if I fall asleep while cuddling are not what I find attractive.  I want to have some space.  If my friends want to get together to run around in gyspy garb I want to be able to go.  If I want to go to a masquerade ball with my friends, I want to be able to go.

I dont want to be here anymore.  I have been trying to get more income.  I have a court date soon to review my child support case, Im looking to transfer to a bigger post office where more hours would be available, and Im trying to find a second job, just to name a few.  Ive run into a few obsticles in trying to move though.  Aside from needing more money, I need to stay in the area because I finally found the perfect school for Billy and so far a great psychiatrist for him.  Also, if I am working I need a safe place for Billy to stay and I cant afford a babysitter. 

I finally broke down and asked my mom if we could stay there for the time being, but I doubt she will agree.  I dont really want to move back in with my mom.  She will want more rent than I really want to pay her.  I will need to save up, but I am not sure if I will be able to living there.  I just dont know what else to do at the moment.

Not only am I just not happy in my current living situation, I dont love Andrew.  Not like he wants me to love him.  Its just isnt fair to him to continue this charade.  I am trying to keep strong.  Im trying to keep the peace until I am ready to move.  Im scared how this will effect Billy.  He has grown to love these people like family.  I know moving will mess him up.  But with the way things have been going, I need to get him out of this house.  There is just too much fighting.

4:17 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Weather is a funny thing...

Bright and early this morning I dragged myself out of bed, stummbled to the bathroom, then plopped down on the couch to check the weather.  I ended up on the weather channel.  I really should know better by now that their accuracy is less than perfect.  Their forecast for today was in the 70's and partly cloudy.  It was cloudy this morning, I figured it would clear up a little later.  So I sent my darling son off to school in shorts and a tshirt.  By late morning the clouds didnt clear up, matter of fact we got a sudden down pour.  I felt really bad, but then the sun came out.  Slowly the clouds came back in and by the time my son's van came home it was hailing.  So, we got a nice good hour of heavy rain, thunder, lightning and hail.  Now as it stands its mostly cloudy, very cold, but no rain.  Weather really is funny thing.

3:32 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Driving home barefoot.
Current mood: bummed

I think I have almost recovered from my week and a half of hell.  If you dont know by now, Ive started back at the post office.  The carrier I sub for got sick and I worked most of the week, on top of having the funeral to go to.  I missed faire on saturday due to the post office, but I wont so much when my paycheck comes. 

I did get to go to faire on closing day and that is what is most important.  I had serious mixed feelings during the day.  I was so tired, it was dreadfully hot and I really just wanted to sleep.  But, I so didnt want the day to end.  The ending of the day would mean the end of the season.  The day, even though I was exhausted, was a fun one.  Autumn came back and hung out at my booth all day.  She is so funny.  She is definately what I needed to keep going.  If she comes back next season, she has a job.  My boss loved her.  I also got to work bubbles for an hour.  I love playing with bubbles.  Plus that meant I got to hang out near the mongers.  My first afternoon break I wandered with the girls.  My favorite part was the scoop of ice down my bodice.  I actually reached goose bump status in 100+ degree weather.  My second afternoon break I grabbed a bite to eat then headed over to the Rogues Reef stage where Kymara and I watched a show while waiting for Lily.  My last hour at the booth was full of tears and hugs as people left for the day.  My boss is such a sweetheart.  Me and Amber were a pretty good team, so she bought a pair of star earings and gave us each one.  She said together we were a pair of superstars.  At the end of the day when she gave me my pay, she threw in a little extra.  She is an awsome boss and I am glad I got dragged into working faire.  Amber was awsome to work with too.

There are a lot of people that I didnt get to say good bye too.  I really wish I could have stay after for all the fun.  Being as I was barely hanging on all day and had to work the post office the next day, I knew it was best to just go home and go to bed.  For all those I didnt get to say farewell too, you are in my thoughts and I cant wait to see you next season.

When I got to my car, I couldnt wait to pull off a layer of clothing.  So standing there in my bloomers and chemise a friend passed by and said "hey I dont think they had tie dye in the renaissance."  I looked down at my clothes to see that my wine colored skirt bled horribly.  My chemise is now blue and purple and my bloomers are yellow and orange.  We laughed, smoked a cigarette, gave hugs and then I set out on my way.  And yes I drove home without shoes on.  The a/c felt so good on my tired feet and I think it helped keep me awake.

11:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Chaos and MIschief

First off Id like to appologize for not posting about my weekend sooner.  I just started back at the post office on friday, worked faire all weekend, then back at the post office on monday.  Last week Andrews dad passed away, yesterday was the veiwing and today is the funeral.  So its been a busy week/weekend.

Saturday was pretty slow on sales at the booth so it was kind of boring.  I didnt do much in wandering, I was kind of tired from friday.  Also I got new shoes and they were a little tight.  I did wander over to say Hi Dee over at the fairy wands and soft swords booth.  The only real excitement was that Tommy Lee and Ludacris were there.  Actually it was more like a pain in the butt.  They actually had the nerve to tell me to move when I was trying to clean up my booth.  And trying to get past the mob of security to get to the privies was insane.

Sunday was alot more interesting.  I guess it being mothers day, sales didnt stop.  I also got to cover bubbles for an hour.  It was so much fun.  I love playing with the children.  I did take a moment to go bother a couple mongers before running back to my crown booth.  Later in the day I wondered over to Rogue's Reef to meet up with Kymara and Rio (yumm) to watch Lily and Miranda on stage.  When it was time to go back to close my booth, Kymara came with.  We ran into a sexy pirate gypsy and his band of gypsy followers.  It was bunches of fun.  Even though we were very busy, closing was a sinch and traffic leaving flowed nicely.

Ive decided that Kymara and I are a bad influence on each other and I cant wait for next weekend for more fun.  Chaos (me) and Mischief (Kym) will be running a muck so watch out.

10:46 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

RIP my trusty faire shoes

What a grand weekend.  Even though my handsome stranger didnt show up with the bells he promised.  Who needs him when I have a whole shire of handsome strangers to adore me.  And yes I ate it up.  The weather was much more favorable this weekend.  Even though it was cooler, I still ditched one skirt and my socks. 

Saturday was pretty much a chill day.  I wandered a little bit causing a little chaos but by mid day I was spent and just chilled "back stage".  I stayed out way too late friday and just didnt get enough sleep.  I was feeling sick by the end of the day and really just wanted to go home.  My shoes saw thier last faire day.  The insides completely fell apart and the side of one of them ripped.  But they did serve me well.  For cheap canvas mary jane's I never expected them to last 4 seasons.

Sunday was much better.  I got much needed sleep and was refreshed and full of energy.  I used my ballet slippers as no so faire approved shoes for the day.  I managed to get a few hours off for the afternoon and wondered faire with Sara, Dave, Ted, and Loren.  Loren had a lot of fun with my flogger, Ted not so much since he was on the recieving end...lol.  The gypsy in me came out and I messed around with passing friends.  Im still denying that I was responsible for Mike's ale dissapearing.  Sales for the day were real slow and for the last hour I did everything I could to sell one more circlet.  Up to and including sounding completely pathetic.  Lily and Kymara thought it was hilarious.  I also met an awsome lady, Autumn.  I hope she comes back this weekend, she was alot of fun.

I am hoping in the coming weekends I get to spend some more time with the gysies and hopefully get a few pics.  I did get an awsome pic of Rope Joe juggling on the dragon swing before opening.  I'll post that soon.  And if anyone has gotten any pics of me feel free to pass them on and I will do the same.  Until next weekend my friends. 

9:22 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment