The FIRE was all around US
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

I had every intention of getting back to some type of routine.  I looked forward to reading my favorite blogs and gossiping with y'all.  BUT then last Monday happened, and it started out as it does every October here in Southern CA.

Fire season.  Non-natives of California, and that is Southern CA, may envision a palm treee laden land of milk and honey----with streets filled with Movie Stars concrete impressions of famous hands and feet, Gucci bags and Mazzarati's.  The weather wouldn't dare be anything but 75 degree's ----day and night.  But, there is another Southern California, where the San Bernadino Mountains rise and the desert air blows hot.  The "Santa Ana's", the name given to that scorching wind which originates in that desert and blows virtually a way in which seems impossible.  You see, 11 months out of the year, the wind comes in from the ocean, but October must evoke some latitude and longitude here, one in which the desert overcomes the ocean, and we all know this as Fire Season.  People, sensing the schizophrenic conditions are on edge.  Divorces and Death happen in October.  Bad Luck all the way around.

FOX news showed a home engulfed in flames, one with two firefighters out front....they ran this footage over and over.  This home was next door to my in-laws home.  It is a rental now, yes thanks in whole to the bad person I have spoke of in the past(long story, let's just say  they lived there for 17 years and were scammed into a situation now in which my father in law worries of losing ALL).  But, this is how close the fires got (see my pics).  As we drove up to Rancho Bernardo, we passsed the small town of Fallbrook, descrated by another of the 14 fires which burned.  Fallbrook is close to our hearts, it is where my sons went to Catholic Grammar school-----St Peter's.  The whole town was evacuated, all 36,000 residents.  The 15 freeway's landscape is now charred black, from my city in Murrieta, all the way to San Diego.  My in-laws asked Mitch and I to travel with them to RB, to assess the damage----and this is the real story.  As I stood on the sidewalk in a neighborhood that was once most sought after, now home after home mere ashes, a SUV pulled up.  IT stopped in front of the home now no more (see pics). 

The woman, 30- something clad in wrinkled jeans, her dirty blond hair askew, clutched a kleenex.  This is the first day anyone can return, and until you see (or not see) your home, until that moment you have no idea how you have fared.  I feel like an intruder, watching as she realizes her home is gone.  The look on her face, the horror was such a private matter, that I look away.  Tears fill my eyes, as I look to the smoke filled sky.  I have not experienced this type of loss, but, I have experienced loss, and the empathy rises in my gut, choking me.  The irony my dear friends, the true and sad irony, is that when we learned that Rancho Bernardo was on fire, and specifically "Valladares Drive", due to the horrendous situation which the bad family member placed my in-laws, the horrible trashy non paying renters she so procured for them, sitting alone with my in-laws on that Monday night, finally I spoke up.  "Well, so you all have good fire insurance.  Ah, how do you feel, considering the "situation" with the renters and (sic)(bad family member's name)."  I eyeball Mitch.  I see the wheels of reasoning turn in Jim's head (Mitch's dad).  But it was little frail Taeko (Mitch's mom) who speaks "It would be, um OK, huh, maybe it would be for the best, better..."she said in her heavy Japanese accented english.  So you see, in the moment I saw this woman, the house virtually 3 feet away from the standing home of my in-laws, her home (see pics) gone, that moment was another one of pure faith.  Faith in that I am not God, and I only know too well that these diasters, and whom they affect, and whom they spare, are all of Divine Providence-----NOT in that the Good Lord causes the fires, but that He allows it, and He "will work all things for the good", somehow, in time.....in time, I pray. Its the only way I can stand to look at life.

I walk away as the couple transverse the driveway.  I spy them through the Yucca plants still standing a few feet away.  No words pass their lips.  There is an errie silence on this street, and the smell of homes burnt, the whole of one's material goods, all they have in the world forever gone----just like that, just like that.  And it could be you, and it could be me, and so the question is what do we really have in this world?  Not anything material----no house, no car, or anything inside of them.  People's lives too can be taken in an instant.  Our life can be taken in a breath.  What's IT all about?  Hmmm, this life...... what's it all about?

My emotions carry me toward the couple.  It is more uncomfortable to "do nothing" but as I approach the inevitable thought "What to say?"  The husband is all business.  He works his hands through the rubble, because as a man he needs to "do something", he needs to make this better for his wife.  She sees me, and I speak "Hi, I am so, so very sorry-----my in laws own the house next door----here (and I point)".  She makes a motion toward me, and I see she is overcome with saddness.  "Its gonna be OK, Its gonna be OK" I say as I embrace her.  She hugs me extra hard, a sob escapes her.  "I can't believe this, we have nothing, nothing.....and Tim is going to be deployed soon, and he will be gone..."  Tim is a Marine, and it shows.  He glances at us, and continues his hunt.  "Hey, hey hey hey!, look what I found------honey!"  Our revelry is broken, and we both resond to "honey"......"What, what you got?"  I back away, as the blond "Anita" rushes toward her Marine.  Again, I feel as if I am watching such a private moment.  But I don't know what to do. 

"Oh My God, Tim, Tim, its the Christmas Tree" says Anita as she embraces him.  It is a wooden ornament, made by a child.  She then remembers me, and yells "Susie made this when Tim was in Iraq the first time, and she made it for him".  Her tears come now, as she sits down on a pile of cement which was the face of her home.   The numerals "17788" stare "up" at the sky, Anita is sitting on what was once was her doorway.(see pics)  She clutches the wooden tree, her hands streak ash on her face as she wipes away her tears.  "Oh My God, OOOH My GAWD!"  The first wave, of many waves to come hit her.  THIS IS REAL.  SO REAL, too real.......to be continued.......

thanks if you have gotten this far, and I appreciate it.....

8:18 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Sometimes Karma catches up with the bad bad people.. and what I did last summer
Current mood: content
Category: Romance and Relationships

Wow, it has been soooo sooo long.  We moved.  That's boring info, oh yea and I boycotted MS because of a family crisis, well, I had to kinda, but now all the shit has hit the fan, so I can write freely......

In the past I have written about my (in-law) family members who destroyed and lied so badly that my husband and his parents became estranged.  This was so painful, because I was used as the scapegoat, after they moved in with us, 3 kids in tow, after they paid us 3 months rent(and lived with us for 10 months) and then cried a river about being garnished for not filing taxes, as some of you know I blew a gasket finally, after I couldn't afford new school shoes for my kids.....after she paraded her purchases of all new stuff for the new school year, well, yea, I blew a gasket.....and did the "Diserio" (my maiden name) "get the hell out"......did I mean it?  Partly, yes, but partly my reaction was warranted, my family was being used....

They went to Mitch's parents and moved in (something they have done like 3 times).....(are these adults?)  Then started what I now know as the snow job.....its ALL that drug addict Becky's fault!!!  What I didn't know was the friggin outlandish quality of these lies, I mean WOW, this gal R  is really the most terrible "a" moral person......just a flavor of the lies--->"Becky stole all our money!!"  WHAT?  OK so now the part that took me off MS....she is a MSer, and Mitch's parent's would not speak to him baed on these lies.....he tried in vein to counteract, but this gal R, y'know is queen of all lies (she even cries and all, very convincing)  SO, I have prayed for 3 years for something to happen, so that we could be vindicated, not so much for me, but for Mitch, as if one of his parents died and then they were estranged, I would feel muy guilty.

One day I logged on to my (sic), and low and behold the mother load of R's (sic)correspondence was at my deposal......HOW?  I dont know, all I know is that we are both R's and same last name.....so for me it was a divine intervention, and I HAD NO friggin idea, nor could I of the deeps of the dregs of society that R operates at......I will refrain to give her confession her, she knows it, but I will say that by that intervention not only did Mitch and his parents reconciled, but they were saved from R's evilness, she was running a scam on them and she was able to take thosands of dollars in rent money from them.....the (sic) confirmed this and they read it for themselves, she no longer is involved with them in any way, thank God.....

SO, she has had it, and I am so glad I prayed for those three years.  I felt like many times God was not there....I cried many times over this situation.....Maybe some of you are going through things too, were it looks like the bad guy is gonna win, don't give up.  As some of you may also have experienced, by the time you can get some closure, you have grown enough in the situation to have let some of the obsession "go", and that is healing.    ITS almost anti-climatic, but I see God's hand in that too..... IF armed with the (sic) several years ago, I would have done many things (probably) that I would have regretted later......they are of that quality.  I think I was given them for me, to know who and what this person is, and most importantly to help Mitch's parents from almost losing their rental house.....They "tolerate" her now for the grandkids sake.  I pray daily for those kids.....

THEN, we moved, and we were sooo very lucky to find what is the home of our dreams.....I hate when people say stuff like that, but we have been through alot......it has a huge "rock" pool and spa in the back, peeble-tech bottom in midnight blue.  California has so many foreclosure's, and no one's buying at all, especially the abandoned properties, and there are several on each block, I have never seen a Real Estate market so terrible as this one.....so we were able to help out a couple who had to move ASAP......this time is the quietest most enjoyable of our marriage (10 years June 2008).....we feel content.  Mitch's parent's are frequent guests.

With the R scandal, I kept off MS, it was such an emotional time and I know R looks at my page so I just wanted to stay off radar.  Moving too was time consuming, a son startng college, and lastly, Mitch has great news too----

OUT of 33 applicants, he was hired as the Lead Detective for Pechanga Resort and Casino!!  He starts tomorrow.  SO if any of you get out his way, please let me know we can get you a deal on Pechanga (google it if interested, it is the largest Casino/Resort in California)......I feel this has been a boring blog, but now I will have the time to do my writing again, and see what's up with all of you.....Happy Birthday to HDtB.........

Currently reading : The Godfather By Mario Puzo Release date: 01 March, 2002

4:41 PM - 11 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

A Graduation full of Memories
Current mood: hopeful
Category: School, College, Greek

My son Joey graduated from High School, a true milestone for any parent, the waiting to exhale moment, and for me, a time warp.  The good Deputies of LA County showed up, one of them Deputy Chris Cale, once a rookie who found himself under the tutleage of my first husband Steve.  As the television show "COPS" came to Lynwood one day, Steve was asked to represent the station and take the "COPS" staff, cameras and all, on the all familair ride along.  Deputy Chris, Steve's trainee, riding shotgun, the camera caputuring the moments of life in WATTS, Compton and Lynwood.....and what a ride along it was, my first viewing of the episode was after Steve was gone, a Deputy handing me the video, with a shrug, stating they could make more copies if I liked.  The video, unmarked, stayed in my car for several days, as I had no idea what it contained.  One day after work, a day that I watched an alcoholic, breathe his last, alone, no family there, I held his hand and thought what did Steve do on those last moments.  No one really answered that question, there were several versions.  I remember the ride home, it was around midnight, a hot balmy summer night.  I knew the boys were long into la-la land, and I also knew I needed to cry.  Things had settled down-- as things do in life, life had gone on, I was able to go places without an escort, my house was no longer grand central station, the phone no longer rang off the hook with sympathy on the other end.

I walked into my darkened home, and went directly to the bathroom downstairs.  It had a shower, and I needed to peel off my nurses scrubs and wash death away.  I felt like death had infiltrated into my body, I thought of rape victims who say they need to shower and scrub and scrub until raw.  I somehow could now understand that, no not raped, but for some reason I felt I needed to scrub and scrub my skin, it was a need that would not be denyed.  As the water poured over me, my tears finally came, in some ways I had felt like a bad girl, who hadnt really cried.  But there, that night, about 3 months after Steve's murder, my tears found their way, coaxed by the rushing shower overhead.  My guilt.  My guilt now surfaced, the times I had yelled at Steve, my attempts to make him feel guilty for leaving me.  I too pitied myself, for their were those who were told I had made his life "horrible", but I knew this was not true, not true by a long shot.  I somehow cared what others thought of me, and this became the beginning of learning to "not care"-----to not care what others thought of me, because I knew what I had done and what I had not done.  People say they don't care what others think of them, but that's not true, you do, sure you do.  It has taken me a long time to get to the point of not caring "so much", of not having to get "my side" of every situation "out there".  It is a lesson God has forced fed me for a long time, horrendous lies about me have been told, even by "loved ones" and I have refrained from going to people and setting the record straight, I have "let it go" and it is one of the hardest things to do.  We all do "bad" things, but to be lied about, blantly, it is a hard road to not "do something". (and I know some of "those" read this blog, so I say, its on YOU, you will have to reap what you have sown, your twisted truths are not truths but your need to be the "ones" and that need will be your ruin someday) Somehow maturity is linked to accepting who you are, and fuck the rest.  But back to the shower.  I remember that shower so well.  And I remember thinking about the future too, the boys growing up, graduations.  And I cried, I cried in the shower because I could, I could cry, weep.  The video.

I put on my nightime sweats and ran to the car and got the video.  I had no idea what it was.  As the "COPS" theme sang out of the TV ..."bad boys bad boys, what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you" and then before anyone on the screen, I hear Steve's voice....what a shock, to hear that voice.   He is saying "I always wanted to be a cop..." and then he is there, in uniform getting into the squad.  Its a "real" episode which aired.  And that brings me to Chris Cale, the young Deputy.  He was one of three, who decided early on to break from the "Dana" camp and visit me.  The "three" came over the night after Steve died, and they said that they were there because if it had been them, they would have wanted their children "looked" after.  These three did this at much cost, I was not popular at the department due to being the x -wife.  They visited and promised to see the boys through life....to be at milestones in place of Steve.  Chris, being so young, had issues and difficulty from the death.  The "COPS" video cemented forever his legacy, and for a while he disappeared from our lives.  But this "boy" (for he looked about 16) always was in my heart, and as I watched him on TV that night, I saw the twinkle in his eyes when he looked at his mentor, Deputy Blair, Oh! How much fun they were having out there fighting crime!  One scene shows them chasing the bad guys, running, guns drawn, the Wild West.  Steve's death shattered Chris.

At my son Joey's graduation, as the loud speaker annouced "Joseph Daniel Blair", two rows of uniformed Deputy Sheriff's gave him a standing ovation.  I looked on from the stadium seats, I could not make out any faces.  Later, standing on the 50 yard line, I greeted them.  Then, about 20 minutes later, I scanned the rest of the deputies, and I saw him.  He had been crying.  Without a thought, I yelled "Chris!" and he looked at me smiled, the tears welling up again.  Our only frame of reference were those days of sadness and tradegy, and as he approached me, it all came back.  It is maybe why he didnt come up and greet me, I can understand that with a few people you share something that changed you forever, changed how you see life, thumped us on the head and said "its not all sunshine and roses, life can be fucked up, unfair, and sad" and with that as your only experience of knowing each other, the pain is great, the memories stored for years are now as real again as Chris approached, and I see it in his eyes, and I am sad this is what we are for each other.  This is what my boys are for many of those deputies present.  And it just is, it is.  Some things are meant to be sad, and not to be changed or morphed into anything other than sad.  There is no great lesson here, except life.  There is no great ending, just a subtle sunset that night as we all went our separate ways. 

(A post script.  Mitch enetered my life and knew he would be the "dad" to my boys.  He also takes the "back seat" at these events, and he does it with grace.  He is a good man.  A good Father.  He was the one to pick up Joey from football, his salary made Joey's life, my life and Stevie's and Mikey's life more comfortable than what it would have been.  He is the only one who knows all my secrets, and he is still here.  So Mitch, from Big Steve, I say thank-you, thank-you for taking care of my family, and making them your family.)

pss....I am back now to read all your blogs, thanks for stopping by.  AND to Des, a Belated Happy Happy Birthday, I didnt forget!

Currently reading : Light in August (The Corrected Text) By William Faulkner Release date: 30 January, 1991

5:50 PM - 24 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

Another RANT, get the dirt here.
Current mood: pissed off
Category: at my sister Romance and Relationships

I know it seems all I do is rant.  Before I do, I want to annouce that my "old" MS is going to be re-vamped solely for my memoir, as suggested by those in the "know".....when it is complete I will let y'all know so you can take a look.  I have been diligently going through writing to agents and sending out "partials" on my book propsal.....this is time consuming.....now on to the rant.....boy, I was mad!

I give a disclaimer first, that due to the fact that I do use this forum to spew my thoughts on personal subjects, I want you to know this is a way to let out my frustrations.  This has to do with my one an only sister, Margaret.  I try to remember that she was ill at a very young age, I try to remember that she was tutored, every day of HS just so she could graduate, I try to remember (How can I forget) my Mom's words "Your sister is "not all there", not as smart as you, she will never have what you have (?) and promise me you will always make sure she is OK when I am gone.  I try to remember that she married a real LOW-life, Norm.  I try to remember the first time he walked into my parents home, paused and said under his breath, "damn these people have alot of money", I try to remember the time my sister wouldn't listen to my father warn her, beg her not to marry him.  I try to remember (how can i forget) that every month of the 19 years they have been married my parents have supplemented their income.  I try to remember this continued even after the Riots, after my father died, they still have taken my mother's pension from my father.  I remember my sister being totally supported by Mitch in an apartment for 6 months when Norm moved his "ho" into their home in Washington, let this woman sleep in my sister's bed.  That my sister's kids were enrolled in catholic school, right along with my kids, so that they could start over in CA, I remember paying the tuition, and saying it was something I wanted to do for my sister.  I remember my sister chosing to return to Norm, to the life with a true grifter, a guy that has sucked my parents dry form day one.  I try to understand my mother, now older, and sick-----as she lives with them, and the phone call I had with my mother last night.

That my mother ended up with my sister is a long story, but my mother insisted on giving my sister most of her monthly income.  Now, I learn my mother has been giving them ALL of it and only expected her room, and food and her medicine in return.  That yesterday, my sister had no money to pick up my mom's meds. That my father had a forgotten life insurance policy, and that my sister took that money from my mom----that my mom said that Norm "brainwashed" Margaret into thinking it was "theirs" because the paperwork came to their address and that 'they' filled out the forms to have the money sent----that they took that money, money that was my mother's and blew it on seahawk playoff tickets, new furniture, TV's and a truck, that my sister was "brainwashed".......TO think that Norm, this "IT" that when he dies (he has a heart condition and is ill and will die before his time) he will go to hell.  I believe in hell, and I want him to go there.  I know I have to pray and get over this thought.  I also know that my sister is not quite the imbecile my mother says, that she has been not brainwashed, but she is now like Norm, she is like Norm, after all these years, she "thinks" like him, she is a common thief.  I don't think I can ever forgive her-----she is an idiot.

Money, it takes people to places that greed can only take them.  I know where Norm would be if my father were alive, and it would be in a grave, a shallow grave somewhere....and my father wouldnt speak of it, and he would go to Mass and receive communion and not have a thought about it.  I wish I had a real sister to speak with, I miss never having that.....and I miss my dad terribly.  How can someone from the same home, the same parents, the same schools and education, how can she be so different?  I am not a Saint, but how does one rob their own mother of the very thing their father left her?  How does one sleep at night?  I want to so much tell my sister off----but my mother doesn't want that---she wants me to think its not her fault......but it is, it is.

I really don't have anything else to say right now.  If you posted blogs, I will come back later and read, I just need to take some time to get over this, and I pray to my saints who I have a running dialogue with, and I ask for help.

Currently reading : Sweet Revenge (Revenge of the Sisterhood) By Fern Michaels Release date: 01 October, 2006

8:50 AM - 16 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

Panhandling 101
Current mood: tired
Category: tired of panhandling peeps Life

I want to get all psycho--logical on a subject.  A subject I have observed in the last few months.  It all happens at my local Shell Station, were I stop and get my cigs (needed for writing, I know I know I'll quit, I just started a year ago, but damn don't it just make me feel so Hemingway~minus the bourbon and shotgun~for now)  I do get gas there, when lazy or in a damn hurry, and its 3.39 right now.....Anyway, this Station is in a prime spot, the corner of Newport and Menifee Rd is like a NY subway station at rush hour (not that I have ever been there for that) but you get it. 

SO, I am approached a few months back, when it was so very cold out, I remember thinking, "its freakin cold, cold cold cold, so cold for California" that I would not even think of leaving the house without my flannel PJ bottoms and uggs, and of course the whole look is pulled together by the nifty hoody.....I know I look good, but hey, who am I trying to impress?  As I exit the store I see a little boy (and its 10pm) who has somethingin his hands.  A very extremely "rubenesque" woman is nudging him.  She has set up shop right outside the doors, but by this time I am fast approaching my car.  What makes it worse, is that he is wearing worn shorts, and a skimpy tee, and slippers.  He had an assortment of paper roses, and he wanted a dollar.  I told him I would give him 2 dollars and I didnt need the rose....I am a sucker for whoever asks me for money outside stores, always will be.  I go back the next week, same Mama, and boy, but now we have a sister also.....they approach the cars like pros, well oiled panhandling machines at 8 and about 12 years old.....Mama watches eating a Del Taco burrito (the store boasts an inside Del Taco).....but now I am kinda mad.....I dont know why, really.....because I knew it was panhandling before, but now I am mad.  I hate the Mama, fat now, not rubensque, grossly overweight really.  The kids are not lean, they are skinny, too skinny, as their clothes, old and rumpled hang on them.  So this has become a spot, I remember there was 'some' line she told the kids to say---and I racked my brain but I can't remember the speil.  I see them 4-5 more times over the next week (yes week) but I never give any more money.  I am convinced Mama has more money than me.  They leave, and another new "scam" comes to the Shell.....

here is a pic of what Mama looked like, minus the cape, of course:

The oldest looking truck, rusty, probably a 1950's something is parked with a load of furniture in the back.  A man, bearded and dirty, walks around it, the hood is up.  He has a gas tank in his hand, as does a woman, Ma kettle, who is by the gas dispensers, talking to customers.....I avoid eye contact, but they seem so poor, so desparate....so as I walk out of the store, he approches and says their truck broke down, they need gas and other items to make it to Barstow.....

here is the truck, well close:
                               

I live off the 15 freeway, which is the route to Vegas.  It looks legit....and yes I am a push over for sap stories.....anyway, they look incredibly pathetic.  So I fork over 5, and leave.  About 2 weeks later, another car, not  truck.....a haggared looking car, with matching people, a man in his 30's with 2 kids, little-----3-4 years old.....the kids are sitting in the back.  Gas tank in hand.  Hood up.  Oh yea.  Let me guess, they need gas to get to Barstow?  NO, the story is to 29 Palms (another desert resort town----huh, 29 Palms, like Barstow is the arm pit of California.....no, I know they are not really going there---or maybe they are by  the looks of the operation....) No I don't give.  Today we have 3 operations going.  One is the annoying "free cleaning" ----whatever-----these guys in matching tee's mosey up and spray liquid on the side of the car and start to wipe----"LOOK HOW IT SHINES".....BS, and I stop them dead----"I have NO money, so don't spray that on my piece of shit car"....."Oh no, this is free" he says.  "Right" I say, "OK so give my the can of clean and I'll do it myself at home!"  He gets a screw you lady look, and I smile and say "Have a nice day" (dip-shit).....but no, just when I thought it was safe to enter my vehicle, and man walks up with a gas tank-----I reach into my change section, grab change, a quarter and dimes a few pennies, and say "Here" with my hand in the stop sign position.  (So here today, I had 3 scams going toward me----Do I have "giver-giver-giver" tatooed to my face?  And don't the scammers see the other scammers---why not go elsewhere?  Or is there some sort of scammers union???  Help, anyone know?

So what do you think about panhandling---got any good scam stories?  Know anyone who does this for a living?  And why do they?  I mean it takes "effort" and some people skills to do this stuff----so why not get a real j--o--b???? So it maybe they do make more money than me, and that's why they do it......

ps....my son Joey is graduating June 15.  I get an email from Commander Lopez, LA County Sherriff's-----he was Steve's Captain at the time he was killed.....he is a class act, came all the way to Fallbrook when Joey graduated 8th grade (8th grade grad is a big deal in Catholic School, you start in kindegarten, same school---and 8th grade is a time of joining the adult community in some ways, so they have a big grad in the Church with a Mass) anyway, he came out, in uniform to represent Joey's dad.  Well, he emails me, and says that a contingent of deputies will be attending Joey's grad on June 15.....that the Sheriff of LA County, Lee Baca will be in attendence too----Lee Baca is one of the biggest Law Dawgs in the Country......so wow, so wow, so wow.....so here he is again....yea he is bald, but he is OK in my book.....when Steve died it was Sherman Block(the Sheriff), and I have met Lee once, but I am sure he doesnt remember.....I am overwhelmed he would take timeout of his schedule to come to this event....so Lee emailed our principal and said we would need more than the alloted 7 ticks.....I wonder what the principal thought, LOL

Currently reading : The Grapes of Wrath (Centennial Edition) By John Steinbeck Release date: 03 January, 2002

2:23 PM - 20 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

OMG! I FEAR FOR THIS COUNTRY~~~Update...for anyone that cares...I don't, but I thought I should
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Blogging

Short blog.  While going through the "most viewed blogs today" I looked under "Romance & Relationships" and scrolled down above my blog at #14 was a title that caught this girl's attention....something like "Those stupid bitches who hate on me" OR some nonsense....well, geez, louise, it is a "most viewed blog" I must see....I say, I fear for what will happen in the years to come.  If this is the "pool" my son's have to chose from, then an arranged marriages all the way around!  Where do these "girls" (said loosely) come from?  OK enough.  Check it out, the comments especially.....and if you're interest is peaked, click around to the gal's pics and check out guy this is all about......what a prize.....come back if you must and comment.....this icon is a preview of what is going on:

Here's the LINK  (the new link to rebuttal) Bitch! here's the shizz 

5/21 UPDATE.....another bloggger posted a blog about this blog(Bitch! no you didnn't)----the girl took down the blog and now has a "rebuttal" blog....I want to say, that when I saw other--outsiders commenting, I did too----by my comment was not really a "bash", and in fact her comment to me was to admit she had gone too far.....but a friend of hers came back and called me a "nigga"....well, I said that's it---and I bluffed and said I would write another blog about our "youth"----that was the extent of my comments on that blog.  Others took her more to task, but it was not any of my readers----SO, ok, carry on!  oh the drama.....Oh and yea....my little blog here inspired like at least 4 other blogs....I'll come back and post links in a few....hmmm, where's all the credit???  LOL....yea I am a Drama Queen....not really.....a reformed, pretty much, anyway.....

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Til Death do US part....
Category: Romance and Relationships

Men and women think differently, we are wired differently and those differences are meant to compliment each other where a marriage is concerned.(or a long term relationship)  But as not one of us is a picture of mental health, and the fact that we bring baggage---either from our parents marriage or from previous relationships, thus we see the struggles, the distance and at times the dissolution of marriages.  We do throw away marriage in this country as we do an old pair of shoes that don't fit quite as right anymore.....the "I am not fulfilled" jibe is not kosher with me.  We expect others to "fill us up" and/or maybe we are the givers who endlessly give and recieve little or nothing in return.  When the extremes of that type of dynamic is at play---well, you must not have "known" the other person that well, because no behavior of that sort is really new----you bought it at some point....But in the middle of the road are the relationships which probably stay together, with the kids, the mortgage yada yada yada, but both parties become disenchanted....either enduring this in silence, or vocalizing it to friends, and at times of stress throwing their unhappiness in the spouses face, as both spouses trade jibes.....

So you think that a successful marriage can be achieved by following the formula of say the vows you took?  So you're committed, you cherish? you love?......the only person who can judge if you are keeping to those vows with question marks are your spouse....to be just committed is not enough for a man or a woman/man to feel loved or cherished.....A marriage is fluid, and changing.  And getting back to the beginning statement, a woman's needs seem to be a mystery, and even if known, many men are not comfortable with a woman's need to "relate" every thought, every feeling,  every display every emotion....and trust me this is a need.  Going back to caveman days, a woman's only defense when left back at the cave when a predator came near was to "make noise", to make hysteria (hster=uterus)....men are more comfortable keeping their emotions & feelings close to the vest, being emotional for a man is grounds for guys losing their man card.  SO how can this work out?
                            

And the truth is woman don't want a man who is real touchy feely, we want a real man, strong, sensible, steady.....and the same attributes that draw a man to a woman---the nuturing, warm enviroment, her way of tenderness are usually the things he lacks---but not in a bad way, these two spheres come together, and that is the compliment.
                                

Judgement for losing a man card is left to men----just as judgement of losing the woman card if left to the women----this has always been unspoken....why? Well, due to what I have discussed above, the differences so vast, I am not expert on what being a man is like---his thoughts, his anxieties in regards to mandom, I have no clue....in latter times women were shunned----by other women, in essence they were losing their woman card or losing their title of "a woman of good deportment"....woman are notoriously harder on other women. 
             

Divorce is a plague on this country.....there are those who view marriage and the committment as a fair weather friend views friendship.  I dont think I have to go into the lame reasons people come up with for divorce, the typicals are for men, they make up something to go off with a new young thang, and for some woman its the emotionally vacant man who irks her into the lawyer's office.  But there are those divorces in which infidelity, abuse and addictive behaviors are sited as the cause----and for those I can not judge, in fact I do believe there some deep emotional abusive relationships that destroy.  Many stay, even if there is no end in sight, no dialogue of change, they stay because of the committment,  many times based on religious ideals.  My example of my parents marriage was an emotionally vacant mother, who was/is a man hater.  She did "love" my father in her own way, but being Catholic, birth control was a sin and hence this eventually spilled over into a big time issue.  The real story tho, that my father put together after many years, was that my mother was mostly fridgid, and so they "gave up" sex after my sister was born in 1967.  They stayed married, that was not even up for discussion, for either party, with their ideals and beliefs about marriage.  You just stayed married.  Thats what my dad said to me later.  He said "I stood before God, and I made a vow, to GOD".  Neither were "fulfilled".  I was mad at my mom for a long time for not trying harder to make my dad feel special.  I think my dad wanted to be and stay in love with her she didnt want that.  I do believe you are judged much on how you treat others in this life, and most of all those who you vow to love.  Do you really know how content your spouse is?  You shoud find out.  You promised you would.
                                         

Some other images:    
                   

Currently reading : Persuasion (Penguin Classics) By Jane Austen Release date: 29 April, 2003

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My Celebrity Look-alikes & Exciting new Post tonight!! check it out....
Current mood: dorky

I didn't even know this posted as a blog!?! whatever.  SO since you're here, my next post will be very very ahmmm, exciting.  It is titled "The testimony that put a Man on Death Row" and we return to the memoir and my testimony which really heats up----exposes people (including me)....so check back late late tonight or first thing in A.M......hope you guys are all having a nice evening...Sopranos & Tudors for me!

Currently listening : All The Stars And Boulevards By Augustana Release date: 06 September, 2005

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A Cop's Cop is laid to Rest....new *LINKS* to memoir
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

May 12, 1995 is one of the most vivid in my memory.....how is it that days even as of last week, are not as crisp.  I wrote to one friend that its like a countdown in my mind, and I promise myself that next year I won't let the countdown begin.....May 12, 1995 was a friday.  At 330pm I promptly leave LA County USC Med Center and wind my way home, taking side streets as the forever labryinth of freeways are parking lots.   Being a native, I know all the alternate routes, thank God.  My boys, Stevie 11, Joey 6, Mikey 5.....await me at a friends.....I call Steve at work at about 5:00pm.....will he see the boys tomm?  Yes, he says.....and then he goes on into statements that seem out of place at the time....he says he is proud of me, and that his life is not as he thought it would be....he says he went to the doctor and has a bad sore throat.....this whole conversation I will recount a year later, during a trial in whichh a man's life is a stake....for those who have not read this part of my memoir, I will post a link later.....for now, here are some of the headlines from the days and weeks following his murder....please know I share this for myself.....and I appreciate all the sympathy, but it is not what I am after....as I have told my boys from day one of this incident----we are one.....one of many families, and individuals who have know pain, and heartache, tradegy.....many of you have known the same pain, all pain is pain and heartache is heartache.....nobody has the corner on it, nobodys sufferings are not terrible.  We are one, one of many.....with that I sent them out to school, to life, following theses things.....I have never once heard my boys use this as a crutch, or  excuse.  I share it, to commerate a day.  A day that changed this family's lives forever.......**for those of you new to my blog, there are links at the end here, which will take you to this night in my life.....the beginning of my memoir**

Policemen's Prayer

Dear Lord, be with me on my beat
This day and every day.
Grant that each weary block I walk,
May ease a brothers way.

Let me be kindly to the old
And to the young, be strong
But let me triumph over those
Whose acts are cruel and wrong.

And if according to your plan,
I am to lose my life,
Please bless with your protecting hand
My children and my wife.

"Blood Upon the Shield".. 

Blood Upon The Shield
Confrontation in an alley. The Centurion does not yield.
But this time the good guy loses;
there is blood upon the shield.

And the mournful sounds of bagpipes
play out across the land,
drowned out by the sobs of a lonely young wife
and a child too young to understand.

While the killer pleads his case in court,
the thin blue line is one man short.
And we're one step closer to society's fall;
another cop's name is engraved on the wall.

Another state funeral, with an army in blue,
and we know it could've been me and it could've been you.
We all look ahead to what the future has in store,
front line troopers in a country that's at war.

At war with itself and at war with its cops and we're
out there every day 'cause the battle never stops.
It's not the way it is on TV shows or like
we learned in school; no cool music in the background,
no playing by the "rules;"

We're disillusioned warriors,
but for right we'll always strive.
We just pray that at the end of our stress-filled day
we'll get back home alive.

You stand out on the corner
ignoring the insults and the stares,
close to the point of believing that no one really cares,
when a six year-old boy walks over after watching
you for awhile, reaching out to shake your hand,
on his face a friendly smile.

To him you are a hero,
a protector of our land, and he wants
to learn about you,
as a cop and as a man.

And when he asks you why your badge is covered
by a black elastic band,
tell him about our Brother
A cop who made a stand.

1.  Press-Telegram (Long Beach, CA) - May 14, 1995

SUSPECT GIVES UP IN DEPUTY'S DEATH 
  A Lakewood man who was wanted in the shooting death of a sheriff's deputy turned himself in Saturday, apparently after learning that authorities were looking for him.Accompanied by his mother, Eddie Perez, 32, walked into the Lynwood Sheriff's Station at about 2 p.m. and, after an interview, was booked for investigation of murder of a police officer, Deputy Stephen W. Blair, who lived in Downey. Perez was being held without bail in the Century Regional Detention...

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2.  Press-Telegram (Long Beach, CA) - May 19, 1995

`A COP'S COP' IS LAID TO REST 
  Stephen Wayne Blair was a man who knew his job could kill him. And still, he accepted the challenge.''If anything ever happens to me, always remember I was doing exactly what I wanted to do,'' said Sheriff Sherman Block, repeating the words Blair once used to reassure his mother. Those dedicated words rang Thursday in the hearts and minds of family, friends and comrades more than 4,500 of whom packed Calvary Chapel to pay their last respects....

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3.  Press-Telegram (Long Beach, CA) - May 15, 1995

COUNCILMAN: DEPUTY SLAIN IN RETALIATION 
  As the search for a second suspect in the shooting death of Deputy Stephen Blair continued Sunday, Councilman Armando Rea said he will take steps this week to break the back of the gang he believes was behind the ``retaliation'' shooting.On Tuesday, Rea, who is a 15-year Los Angeles County sheriff's deputy, will seek the City Council's approval of a resolution asking that additional sheriff's deputies and the FBI step in to crack...

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4.  Daily News of Los Angeles (CA) - May 19, 1995

4,500 COLLEAGUES ATTEND BURIAL OF SLAIN DEPUTY 
  While an additional reward, of $100,000, was offered to locate his killer, a sheriff's deputy shot to death by a reputed gang member was buried Thursday with a final salute from some 4,500 law enforcement officers.Flowers surrounded the flag-draped casket of Deputy Stephen Blair and a large color portrait of the father of three smiled at mourners gathered inside Calvary Chapel. Officers from as far away as Colorado attended. The hearse was followed by an estimated 500 squad...

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5.  Daily News of Los Angeles (CA) - May 14, 1995

MAN HELD IN SLAYING OF DEPUTY,  SUSPECT TURNS SELF IN AFTER FRIDAY SHOOTING 
  A 32-year-old Lakewood man was arrested Saturday on suspicion of murder in connection with the fatal shooting of a Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department gang-enforcement deputy in Lynwood, authorities said.Eddie Perez, accompanied by his mother, turned himself in at the sheriff's Century Station in Lynwood about 2 p.m. Saturday after hearing on the street he was wanted in connection with the Friday-night shooting death of Deputy Stephen Blair, said Deputy Diane...

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6.  Press-Telegram (Long Beach, CA) - May 25, 1995

3 HELD IN SLAYING OF DEPUTY 
  Three gang members from the Lynwood area were arrested Wednesday in connection with the May 12 killing of sheriff's Deputy Stephen Blair, who was gunned down during a gang sweep.Capping a 12-day probe, investigators pounced on six different locations in two counties Wednesday morning. The parolee accused of pulling the trigger, 24-year-old Freddie Fuiava, was taken into custody in Fontana after battling with deputies, Los Angeles County Sheriff Sherman Block said. Juan Raphael...

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7.  THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE - May 15, 1995

Second Suspect Sought In Deputy's Shooting 
  The search for a second suspect in the shooting death of a sheriff's deputy intensified yesterday as law enforcement officials prepared to bury one of their own. The funeral for Deputy Stephen Blair is set for Thursday at 10 a.m. at the Calvary Chapel in the city of Downey. The memorial service will be held at Rose Hills Memorial Park in Whittier.Blair, 31, was shot to death around 8:30 p.m. Friday near Ham Memorial Park in the Lynwood area south of Los Angeles.Blair had...

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8.  Press-Telegram (Long Beach, CA) - September 21, 1995

DEPUTY-SHOOTING SUSPECT SAID TO FEAR THREE-STRIKES 
  The man accused of killing Lynwood sheriff's Deputy Stephen Blair in May said he shot the officer to keep from going to prison on a third-strike felony, according to the sworn testimony of two acquaintances.Two women, testifying as witnesses at the preliminary hearing for the accused gunman, Freddie ``Smokey'' Fuiava, said the Lynwood gang member was afraid he would be locked up for many years because he was carrying two guns. A weapons conviction would...

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9.  Daily Breeze (Torrance, CA) - May 15, 1995

Hunt for 2nd suspect continues,  Memorial service for slain deputy slated Thursday 
  The search for a second suspect in the shooting death of a sheriff's deputy intensified Sunday as law enforcement prepared to bury one of their own.The funeral for Deputy Stephen Blair is set for Thursday at 10 a.m. at the Calvary Chapel in the city of Downey. The memorial service will be held at Rose Hills Memorial Park in Whittier. Blair, 31, was shot to death around 8:30 p.m. Friday near Ham Memorial Park in the Lynwood area south of Los Angeles.Blair had been with the...

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10.  Fresno Bee, The (CA) - May 14, 1995

L.A. DEPUTY SHOT TO DEATH DURING PATROL * SUSPECT TURNS HIMSELF IN 
  A man sought in the shooting death of a sheriff's deputy turned himself in Saturday, apparently after learning that authorities were looking for him.Eddie Perez, 32, walked into the Lynwood sheriff's station at 2 p.m., said Deputy Brian Jones. Perez was booked for investigation of murder of a police officer and was being held without bail in the Century Regional Detention Facility. Another man wanted in the case remained at large, Jones said. Deputy Stephen W....

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ps....my first mother in law, Olga Blair, is forever having Mother's Day along with this day---it always falls on the same weekend, as it did back then.  She faces Mother's Day every year, with the anniversary of her youngest son's murder.  It took me several years and a therapist to point out that I never would say "murder" about this incident.....I dont know why, but even as I type it, it strains something deep within....

here are the links to the beginning of the memoir
Part ONE
Part TWO
Part THREE
 

Currently listening : Gangsta's Paradise By Coolio Release date: 07 November, 1995

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The Power of this Pain....Sheriff Baca & informative bulletins
Current mood: touched
Category: silly, sarcastic, drama mama Religion and Philosophy

Pain. pain. PAIN. 
Dolore. male. Tormento.

We come into this world screaming, crying. The key is not to leave it in this same way....

Or is it?  Our society seems to believe all pain is bad (male in italian)...but as a nurse I can tell you that pain has saved people's lives----masking pain in the physical body....how would ER staff know if a patient has a bleeder in the abdomen (b4 the required MRI or CAT) if the pain had been masked....life is a game of seconds and inches, seconds gained by the patient saying "My stomach is on fire!" and a game of inches, a bullet grazing the head or heart, where 1/2 inch to the right or left meant death...

Emotional and Spiritual pain....is it the same, can masking it be harmful?  What do you think?

Being the Drama Queen I am, life would be boooooring with just happy sappy dayz.....I mean how would you know its a freakin happy sappy day if you never experienced a messed up loser day?  And if physical pain can save your life, then what about emotional pain~is the purpose the same?  I think so---I ran from my emotional pain for sooo long....I thought as a Mom I had to always "put on the happy sappy face"~no matter what.  Weakness to me, was much like it is to most men, showing your angst about a situation was tantamount to saying "I am a wuss of a woman".  Not this Woman.  Not on my watch.  So, when something happened that I no longer could keep it all quite screwed in tight, I went on meds-pills....pills to make you feel like you have no feelings.  I rationaized this by saying "I had to function", I have 3 boys, and I am their bottom line.  I taught them the worst lesson, don't feel.  Suck it ALL up.

I know this pic doesnt make sense, but it will:
                           

Now, I am not talking about being a whiny pissy nit wit.  I'd swallow the whole bottle if that is what being emotionally healthy meant....but with the drama surrounding some of the MS antics lately, and the lengths some go to for attention, the drama, I see a whole bunch of dysfunctional adults running around looking for the ever elusive approval(kudos, even if ya dont comment give up the kudos, yeah that means you) of a group of people, MOST who you have never met....(I feel a sitcom coming on)(I am not always immune to this, I want you to love me----BEST)

Back to pain, dolore (btw, as you see people do name their females Dolores~pain~why no male equivalent, like Dolaredo?....I'm just asking) Some of us are sado-maso emotional addicts (what?) Well, how can you explain getting into relationships with the same Dolaredo over and over....OR the sado-Psycho-maso emotional addicts~those that make up crap for the fun it is to see MS peeps reactions (pyscho).  But really---there are those who seek out people who will in the end let them down, and I know from my own experience as a damaged child that we are all seeking approval of a parent type, something we didnt get, or some scenario that is toxic, but it feels so damn.....umm....familiar....that's the key, we pick what we know, and if we came from only knowing its familiar to be in drama, or be with an alcoholic, or be with a Doloredo, well, we like it, we want it, we get it, and it sucks. (see pic**I have been known to do this, first time when I was 5, and I had to go get stitches~a neighborhood boy pissed me off~ no sh**)

I still have to remember its OK when my husband is good to me.  Its OK to be a Drama Queen who is trying to reform....and its OK to delete that MSer who sends out 45 bulletins a day, I just did this to someone, and I first msg'ed them and said maybe they could SAVE up all the bulletins for ONE big informative BLOG (smart 'eh?)....y'know, bulletin one: "I just got up, and I am eating wheaties"....bulletin 2: "I didn't eat all the wheaties, I'm gonna take pics of myself in the bathroom-by the mirror, it looks cool"....you get it. They msg'ed me back saying "My bulletins are needed for information".....ahm, well, yea....ok bye....delete, click. 

How emotionally healthy was that of me?  I am making progress.....

ps.....this pic will make sense in my next post....ah, the Drama, the anticipation.......{this is THEE SHERIFF of LA  County~Sheriff Lee Baca~.........
                           

Yeah, ya know he is the Sheriff, all the rest of 'em are just the Deputies.....

Currently listening : U218 Singles By U2 Release date: 21 November, 2006

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