"They think it was some kind of drug-induced hallucination. They see that I got a girlfriend and holed up. There's something now-fraudulent to Love because it passed. It's as temporary and fleeting as all false things..."
It's vanity. This is all vanity. Love remains.
Where are you?
There has been much anxiety. It's not just my false self which I have readily identified with, but my sympathetic nature allowing me to identify as readily as the one I have immersed myself in.
This is not blame. No progress is made finding fault. Only in taking responsibility and right-action is there healing.
We have fallen so far. If it is our responsibility to relax, to disidentify from the mind, to conquer our false selves, then we must act. If yoga of the body is your yoga, do it. Do you need a yoga of the mind? Do it. Tend to your self. There are many paths to finding come peace. Get to your center.
In the end, all that is true to your false self is that which you Love. This is the nature of the ego, the controller of the mind. What you accept as you is you, and what you find difference with is separate. So, find The Self. Love The Self, for without it you cannot begin to Love. Then, knowing your Self and false-self, accept them both.
Your false self is so erratic and compulsive. Realize that if your being operated externally as it does inside you, your insurance would actually cover treatment.
If you have a question, ask. If you're alive, let me know. Have you made progress? Has something helped you? Do you know a balancing trick? Have you developed Neosporin for the soul?
A fairly signifigant number of people read this non-updated blog every week. How is it going? How are your minds?
Some of my birthday dinner party have returned to the condo and they're talking about and watching sports. Check out this antisocial behavior:
1. What do you say most when you're trying not to curse? I don't get what the fuck you're saying. If you mean not using the word "shit" or "damn" or "fuck", generally I'll use them twice or combine them, or pepper it with bitch, cock, sack, dick, or ass. Is "ass" on its own a curse word? We all know "bitch" isn't...
2. What was the first thing you did this morning? Woke up to my new girlfriend, got herded to Dunkin Donuts, drove my ass back to Delray Beach.
3. What Person On Your Top 8 Do You Talk To The Most? Meher Baba--If you knew him, you'd talk to him the most, too.
4. What time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To? 7:30 and I snooze it 'til 8 when I am not in paralytic anxiety and/or depression, in which case, should I ever fall asleep, I almost never wake up.
5. What does your Dad do for a living? He's a retired dentist. He tries to take it easy but is forced to freak out for a living.
6. Do You Wear flip-flops When It's Cold? Is It Weird That You Capitalized This Question? Yes.... and Yes.
7. What did you do today? You're very curious about this day. I had donuts, lots and lots of coffee, took my ass home, got taken out for birthday dinner, wished everyone a happy My Birthday, filled out this survey, and soon I'll curl into a ball of mental sick.
8. What is your mood? Weak
9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children? Yes, They Do. One Of Them Recently Had Twins.
10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy? Si; so sleepy.
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep? I have, but I don't.
12. What do you dislike at the moment? myself
13. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week? mmm hmm
14. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks? Can't recall, but it was too recently.
15. Can You Whistle? sorta
16. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard? Look for yourself *zip*
Yes, that's a trampoline.
17. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back? People talk to me about people talking about me behind my back, and it's good sometimes. Today, May told me about how Mike and Joey were calling me "charming" behind my back. DEVILS!
18. Who last text messaged you? Brenton... he think he's cool 'cause he saw Flaming Lips for free in Gainesville, but he ain't. Take it from me; I say "ain't".
19. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To? Anymore? Dunno... A while ago: many, many.
20. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts? No.
21. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing? Peanut Sauce
22. Is anyone in love with you? Yes.
23. Do You Do Your Own Dishes? I'll wash dishes by hand every now and then, but the washer's never full enough for me to start it with a clear conscience. What a waste.
26. Ever Cry In Public? Is a hospital room public? I cried in the hallway, too... maybe the elevator.
27. Would you ever sky-dive? YES. I used to think I was too fat, but then I gained more weight on my belly and lost weight in my "concern for life", so let's run it.
28. What Did You Do Before This? Abandoned my birthday company in the living room. They're still there, stinking the place up, and talking about sports.
29. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function? -30
30. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily? Sorta not really
31. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced? I have two speeds; faster than you or stop.
32. What are you doing right now? Loving, listening, aching, missing the new lady.
33. Do you use sarcasm? hell fuck no and I don't curse and I say fuck when I'm trying not to curse fuck
34. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar? yese
35. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags? I rode the wooden rollercoaster, and the lack of exciting curly loops is more than made up for by the squeaking.
36. Do you enjoy giving hugs? kinda not really
37. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite? opposite or incredibly open-minded dudes
38. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back? I DO IT ALL HOW MUCH YOU GOT YOU CAN CALL ME WHATEVER I sleep on my back when I'm alone or on you if you're in bed with me.
39. Do You Watch The news? I'm sensationalist enough on my own.
40. Do you like anyone? I Love you!
41. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased? Gas-o-leen ah-ah-ah
For those of you who aren't on my friends list and/or read my blog and not the bulletins, g'head, read it:
28 secrets about yourself.
1. In your default picture is your hair a natural color? It's a reasonable approximation. I don't have one natural hair color. I'm a calico. I resent this question.
2. Where was your default pic taken? It's a self-portrait... the beach.
3. What is your middle name? Drummond 'cause ma wouldn't let me switch it to Drummond David 'cause ... 'cause fuck her. I need treatment.
4. Your current relationship status? I have a not-girlfriend. We're not-dating. I just didn't-spend the weekend recuperating at her place.
5. Honestly, does your crush(es) like you back? I'm more of the get-crushed-on don't-like-back type. The other way just isn't my style. C'mere.
6. What is your current mood? Scarred... This was a week of tests built to fail, and everyone failed except gramma.... actually, she may have.
7. What color shirt are you wearing? White t-shirt with a nice trail of brown bloodstains over the inner right pec. It looks like Indonesia.
8. What makes you happy, honestly? Love and Realization meaning Everything
9. Are you musically inclined? No. I'm kidding; yes. C'mre I'ma sing 'song f'you. I really, really feel like drinking right, right now.
10. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be? Well, I am a human, but ANOTHER animal I'd prefer to be is a whale. I would eat absolutely everything. I'd eat that. Think of something else. I'd eat it. Even if you thought of the most painful and/or humiliating thing I could whale-eat, I'd not live with the whale-shame as I'd whale-out back to human form after "ONE day".
I want to eat MySpace when I grow up. It's late.
11. Ever had a near death experience? I've died! I have risen! Let's die! I want to die-die right-right now-now. Let's do-do.
12. Something you do alot? Fidget, smoke, curse, Love...
13. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now? I'm listening to Biosphere - Arafura, and that'll do nicely.
14. Who did you copy and paste this survey from? Rihkee. She likes weed. I don't like weed.
15. Last 4 digits of someones phone number five three oh ni-ee-i-ine - that bitch is wild. I don't mean bitch like "awful bitch" or Cruella Deville or anything, I mean like "what's up, my ho?!" or "whatup, cracker bitch?"
16. When was the last time you cried? I cried approximately all week. The first time I cried this week I was overcome with joy and gratitude and a bottomless sense of debt as my 96-year-old grandmother who had suffered a stroke the day before wiggled her feet at me... both of them. We had been talking for a bit before that, and everything else worked with radial symmetry, even. No one's 96. No one's 96 and has a stroke and wiggles their feet and knees and carries on a long and coherent conversation with you the next day. No one's 96 in the first place. If I turn into water and soak into the ground in front of you someday; someone came to collect.
17. If you could have one super power what would it be? I would switch places with my gramma. I could go and she could be here blessing all of you with her marvelousness. She comes equipped with the superpower of making medical staff absolutely fall in love with her. They wanted to take her home, but she's *my* gramma.
19. What do you usually order from Starbucks? "Venti Caramel Macchiato, soy, two additional shots." "Sir, that's a total of five shots." "...three additional shots." ..., bitch.
20. Whats your biggest secret? Define "biggest". The first tangible secret I can think of that I can relate back to size is my gigantic asshole. It's huge. I can fit a 64 oz. bottle of Gatorade in it.
That is not true.
Secrets don't come out like that 'cause then they wouldn't be secret.
21. What's your favorite color? I do not believe I have one, but I am an ignorant shit. It's probably brown. I've always said it was brown or blue-gray, but whatever. I like blue and red and yellow and all the colors they can make... it's very situational... give me a situation. I want therapy to be sort of a pale green or blue... both. Can someone please point me to a fucking meeting?
22. When was the last time you lied? My eyebrows don't really look like this. They're lying. I'll count them as me. They're going to be lying for a while.
23. Do you watch kiddy tv shows or movies? It's "kiddie". Mike was just watching The Natural and I found it absolutely intolerable that The good girl wore white and the bad girl wore black. Just try and make me wonder who's who you fucking retard movie producers. Was the thought of making the shit so blatant ever unappealing?
24. Do you have a best friend? Look at my friends. You will not find one that is not best.
25. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? My net worth would be in the trillions. That way no one would assume I was unhappy or subject me to their false judgment. I am reading Stumbling On Happiness now, and it's acting like it'll put this in perspective for me. gfl
26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment? I just had a couple corndogs and a glass of water. It's good to be home. The protein bars are calling me, but they'll have to wait for breffasttime.
27. Do you speak any other language? I make up languages. I spoke a few Mexican words earlier today at a Mexican restaurant... besides "Dos chimichangas" and "aye" and "woof" and "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" (that's ayyyyyyy to you cracker ass crackers).
28. What's your favorite scent? My watch smells INCREDIBLE. Find my friend Rob (modeem) and ask him about it, or I'd be glad to show you sometime.
Rob, I found that watch again, and it still smells just like it used to, maybe even a little better.
Name a person who is 96 has a stroke and slurs their words less than you do two days later while they wiggle their two feet and knees at you. Who's 96 and sees well enough to look at you, much less with full motor control over both eyes? ...two days after a stroke?
If you answered "gramma", you did something right.
Gramma and dad are made of different things than you are. Then, if by nothing other than their stubborn nature, you can't get the fabric to break down.
The Death Race: ( Drumm to win, dad to place, gramma to show by a nose ), ma to live forever, Fen somewhere way down the line (before forever, though), then mom's other sister will meet us all down there with her pitchfork - bet the farm. It's a trifecta paying only even money.
... I am alive, and it was a tasteless joke made at too high an expense for so many.
Get really mad at me.
As long as you were mad at me or sad over my departure or misunderstanding... Happy April Fool's Day, and I'm sorry.
Now...
Your worries and your sadness in didn't bring me back or make me feel any closer to life. All of it adversely affected your health. Many of you cried, a lot.
You are very, very dear to me, and I'm not lying when I tell you I Love You.
I do not want you to suffer.
I do not ever, ever want you to suffer.
I want you to be happy.
When I go, and I'll go sooner than later, be reminded that you're alive. If the separation hurts you, celebrate your ability to heal. Laugh at the fact that you're here and you think it's time to be sad about that just 'cause I've transitioned into something you can't understand.
With that said, my favorite person in the world (the person I'd always do absolutely anything for)... she's 96 and had a stroke today. This is not an April Fool's joke. My aunt found her on the floor of her mobile home.
The reason I didn't swiftly inform you as to the joke is that I was driving north to come and visit her.
Does my gramma want to see me cry as you have?
Does my gramma want me to be miserable?
She doesn't. She doesn't want you to be sad, either. She wants you to eat mashed potatoes and stew, probably.
I want you to love life and see that death is just the thing you'll never understand and while you're here, understand everything. Get with that love for your own life, not that hatred toward my non-death.
Have mashed potatoes with peas in them.
Death is just the end of understanding. You can't go there and lose understanding and come abck and tell people that.
MilkDrop, a visualization engine for Winamp, is so essential. It's so pretty. I'ma take a screenshot of my whole desktop and show you how to run it full-screen at 60fps 'cause uhhh...
I swear I'm not on drugs. I know it's 2:30 and I'm looking at... this... but, seriously, look for yourself.
In the middle with the fullscreen settings, frames per second 60.
Then you can see this:
an'en
but it's uhhh 60 frames per second chock full o' moving that-ness.
Just try and do all the math for all the shifting colors... You ever watch Christmas lights and just scoff at the simplicity of the on/off animation? The way it makes you think the lights are "chasing" one another up the tree? Here's your chance to feel inferior to the machines for a little bit.
Messing around on OkCupid, after searching for people who listed a similar interest in "gnosticism", someone had listed, under the topic "Six Things You Couldn't Live Without", five numbered items. One of the listed items was "...legs" and another was another's "mind, body, consciousness".
I asked whether they intended the legs to be two of the six things, but then why would someone else's mind/body/consciousness be one thing? Is one enough?
After they answered the question, they felt they'd stated the obvious, and that I would find it banal, commonplace, boring. Well, why would I ask?
This message ensued:
The "things (you) can't live without" issue wasn't obvious to me... there was an air of dubious intent (in my own paranoia (probably (maybe not (that's how paranoia works)))), actually. Everything's banal, it is pretentiousness itself that makes one think otherwise. "What is the difference between thinker, philosopher, and saint?" The philosopher thinks themselves the insignificant speck, the saint throws themselves to the wind to be blown about, and the sadly enfeebled, fascist, self-centered, lost wind their asses up to keep "others" away from the thoughts they think theirs, hiding with trends and reinforcing false duality (the separation of everything based on human constructs), coloring their coats, acting as if they're the creme and not the same unstable decaying arrangement...
...see, the "actually ('there was an air of dubious intent, actually')" is a punchline because the uncertainty in intangibility was addressed and and anananan'then...
...and the saviors, every one of them, tell us over and over again that we are all One: Our fathers, The Father, I, you, all; One.
No, I don't find it banal. Humans are dynamic. This moment, what you do in this moment, it's incredible. You could be doing anything. The thought that someone finds something banal itself is fairly intriguing when one is offered the opportunity to see it from outside of their own ass. That is, once they've removed their head from their ass. It's hard to hear well and see out of there, one's ass. Putting one's head in any ass it will fit in is terribly inhibitive.
Meanwhile, the pretentiousness and falsity is the easiest place to make amusement. The notion of exclusivity and separation from the "lesser" is so heavy with the mindset we've been fed; ask the guy who marketed Fiji water.
Someone told me they thought I wasn't as happy as I should be last week. I asked for one bit of data as to what happier-me does. What manifestation would show them that I'm so much more amused or overjoyed with everything, or what is happier-me's deal, anyway? They couldn't come up with a single thing. Relative things, intangible things, things that change from person to person and moment to moment and person to moment and and and... when they exhibit falsity on such a level that not even one thing can be said for them... why do that to yourself? Why falsify your own perception of things with complete nonsense?
Of course, I don't always spend every moment of the day with this mindset. That would be nice. Nice is relative... It would be...
Some day your own facade will come right out/off from under/over you, and you'll cry an awful lot as you feel the most terrified and amused, the most smitten and whole you ever will.
You're headed there... or I'm wrong. I have no doubt toward either possibility.
You have no idea how badly I want a cookie right now.
The DHSMV sent out my ID yesterday, 3/27. It was ordered on 2/19.
Keep it down, but I've been "seeing someone". That's all you get to know.
Even though I can look around, look to (and unfortunately at) family members, watch and meet people and know that I'm not miserable, I do have a brain that keeps the seratonin to itself. A friend had 8 weeks of Wellbutrin sitting around doing nothing. I've been prescribed antidepressants before, was feeling the "fall" from the very crest of the wave, and decided to try it.
Never, ever take it if you're not on it, and if you're on it, never ever quit.
Shortly I'll combine and condense the table of contents. Stop me if you'd like.
Here are some images that turn up when you search for "Always Love" and take out f'in Nada Surf and more and more subjective words... Here's the search.
Filling out surveys is usually reserved for far more ridiculous hours than 8PM. However, I'm in Weston, dog-sitting, and I have $6. After this, it's time to re-design handouts for TXT Signal 'cause the last ones didn't turn out so well. Also, I'll hit up Google Maps to see what I can walk up to empty-handed.
You're not expected to read the survey. Hell, it's a survey. The reason why it seemed to appealing is that Rob's answer to the music question was an old CD featuring my music, and there were two questions that were oddly on my mind right before I read this.
1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Dead hooker, attache, shovel - you were alllwaaays onnn my miiind...
2. What was the last thing you threw up? I puked up a big batch of mucus, pills, broth, and ramen noodles when I was sick a couple of weeks ago. It still kind of lingers.
3. What's your favorite curse word? I'll have to ask Kysti. We were on the phone for a long time last night, and now that I'm back to talking fast and for long periods of time, apparently my cursing is back in full swing.
4. Menthol or regular cigarettes? Camel Filters (that means non-menthol) in the hard pack SMOKING IS ICKY DON'T BE LIKE ME
5. What is your favorite episode of Friends? Global Thermonuclear War
6. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? Cameron Diaz or Scarlett Johannsen - It's a tie.
7. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Snowball, a gigantic white poodle.
10. Are you wearing socks right now? Psh NO.
11. What was the last thing you drank? Diet Coke; the bottom of a 2l.
12. What are you wearing right now? This black linen/cotton blended short-sleeved button-down drugrunner shirt I haven't worn in almost a year, (oh, I think they like me / in my) white tee (you can't ice me / we here for life, g), the jeans I'm always wearing, and black Teva Mush. That's right, I'm not wearing underpants or my wristwatch. There's a puppy in my lap, too.
13. Last food you ate? Turkey on italian sandwich bread with spicy brown mustard and some crunchy cheetos. It was delicious.
14. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Not with money, but with effort. When rounding up the laundry, I re-found this shirt, and it was purchased 11 months ago, worn a few times, and never washed. It's like finding something new. I call this occurrence "shopping spree"
15. When is the last time you ran? I'm a "running-on-the-inside" kind of guy.
16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Wizards at Heat (NBA basketball), and it was a gooooood game. Damn you for getting me into The Heat, Mike.
17. Last movie you saw? Rocky! HEY REMEMBERTHATSCENE WHEREHE'SLIKE YO, ADRIAN, IT'S ROCKY, YO I'M GONNA GO BEAT UP THIS BEEF AND DRINK 5 EGGS AND YOWEDIDIT!
18. Who is the last person you sent a message to on myspace? KMD, the same person Rob had last sent a message to. I wished that the song "My Dick" had made it into our earlier life.
19. Ever go to camp? Space Camp! .....seriously, i did.
20. Ever been on honor roll? Your mom's on honor roll.
21. Do you have a tan? I'm definitely not pale... Do you have freckles?
23. Have you ever drank your soda with a straw? Yeah? The Top in Gainesville won my heart with its standard of bendy-straws.
24. What is your age? 28, and I have a month left. My birthday's April 16th, and you can plan something special.
25. Are you someone's best friend? Yes.
26. what are your siblings' middle names? One sibling, Zora Mae Mylastname... We have great names. Yes, we're "Zoe" and "Drumm" and our parents are some of the straightest non-hippiest people I've ever met.
28. what was the last thing you said? "No, no, sweetie; don't like the keyboard." I speak to animals in full sentences.
29. What color is your watch?
Allow me to answer in Jay-Z:
You've got to pop that 'stal, rock that watch dial. See that Benz? Cop that now. Drop that top down. It's gon'kill us anyway. Them cops uptown hit holmes with 41 rounds. Live your life, get your ice. She been with you since day one, cracker? Trick on your wife. Spend that dough. When in doubt, take that trip. She ain't livin' for the moment, homie? Shake that bitch. He that cool; he can't take you nowhere? Leave that fool. Be that rude if he that crude. Save for what? Ball 'til your days is up. This place is fucked, all type of AIDS and such. How'd they make it where you afraid to fuck? They gave us drugs, then turned around and investigated us. Life is short, then you're on life support. So inbetween it all, I'ma say I seen it all. Watch me.
...Watch me, cop that coupe, shine for the ladies, have 'em sayin', "Damn, I never seen a watch that blue," and while they're still mesmerized, I'll pop that cooch. Shit, law enforcement couldn't stop that dude. Guess who, fresh off of Volume 2, back at you, peep the numbers my album do. They call me Champagne Hova, Wake Up With A Hangover, When Y'all Think The Game's Over, Do The Same Thang Over. I'm still with the same soldiers, still gettin' brain and it's plain ain't a thang gon'change over. Hop out the truck, hand on my cock'n nuts, who got the bank? I'm stoppin' it up. Watch me.
30. What do you think of when you think of Australia? cool hats and boomerangs
31. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Yes - "The rollercoaster you've designed has you going upside down... 16 times?... Is that okay?" -CyberSpace Mountain attendant
33. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I try to keep an open mind, and best serve the situation. I have friends that don't want to go in, but I don't mind at all.
34. What is your favorite number? I don't have it yet.
35. Do you have animals? There are mites living in your eyelashes. They're my fingernails, and I'm keeping 'em!
36. What happened to you in 1999? The year I turned 21... Uhhh... Well... I'd rather make an entirely seperate blog entry than attempt to answer this now.
37. 1996? This is a *year*... I don't really have uneventful years, especially at the age of 18.
38. Does your first memory involve your dad? Yes, and this question creeped me out.
39. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? No one will listen to me and break the txt message market wide open with me. Right now, we're basically giving away free money to businesses. The mental sketch of the material I'll write tonight for TXT Signal involves such hits as "WHAT'S *MONEY*? BUT WHY WOULD *I* WANT MONEY?"
40. Do you like watching a bonfire? I love the smoke.
41. Are you allergic to anything? A few years ago, I wasn't allergic to anything. These days, I'm not so sure. I know I can take loratadine and feel sooo good, then terrible afterward. Perhaps I'm allergic to life.
42. Favorite shoes that you wear all the time Teva Mush - what I'm wearing in that (drawn) picture over there.
43. What is one thing you've learned about relationships? A nugget of golden wisdom Kysti received last night - "they get a dog and the relationship's over. It might be strung along for a few more months, but the piece is written, you're listening to the orchestra play at that point."
44. Are you jealous of anyone? What's the point in that?
45. Is anyone jealous of you? One evening, at a poker game at my last apartment, my girlfriend at the time had taken me to a wonderful dinner and we had good conversation and the sparks were flying, so even though there was a game brewing, it's not like we were going to not-have-sex... So much, much later when we re-emerged from the bedroom, had a shower, and I sat down to play some cards, Dapo called me "The Hero Of All Fat Men". That's not jealousy, and it's much perferrable. Usually, people would be relieved not to lead my life.
46. Do you ever take medication to fall asleep? I have, but I don't.
47. What cd is in your stereo? I love Rob - "....best of Au97 at the moment" For me, it's an MP3 CD featuring John Prine, Radiohead, Sebadoh, Jay-Z (2 albums), Naz, and Of Montreal.
48. Do you do your own dishes? Yeah.
49. Would you date anyone covered in tattoos? Yeah! I don't discrimihate; I regulate. The thought that there's a certain hole that only a certain peg will fit through will keep you from ever loving.
50. What are you looking forward to the most right now? Making Seventh Compass rich. We're all Good People, and we want to do Right Things, so Why Not?
