ODE TO NEIGHBOR JOE
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Friends

I have an asshole neighbor.
His parents named him Joe.
I've put up with him long enough
And now it's time to go.

He doesn't like my flowers.
He doesn't like my trees.
He hates their fragrant petals.
He hates to rake the leaves.

He does not like my barbecue.
It makes him want to retch.
Hates my nephew's laughter.
Against the game of fetch.

He cusses at my mother.
He yells and calls her names.
Then he claims she's lying
And says that I'm to blame.

He doesn't like the negro
Who lives two houses down.
It's all because he wed a white
Instead of someone brown.

I can't see how he's happy
I doubt he likes his life.
And since he has no dog to kick,
I bet he beats his wife.

He yelled at me this morning.
His face turned red and strained.
He grabbed his chest and then he fell
Straight through my window pane.

I tried to check his breathing
By kicking at his head.
I punched him in the gonads.
Alas, that bastard's dead.

I had this asshole neighbor.
His widow called him Joe.
Now he's six feet under.
I'm glad to see him go.

DICKSTANKE.COM

2:57 AM - 29 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

BANNED FROM BAR MITZVAH’S AT TEMPLE BETH SHIKZA
Category: Friends

I should have known something was wrong when Dieter knocked on the front door of our double-wide late last night. At that hour, he usually entered through my bedroom window. I invited him inside for some malt liquor and horse tranquilizers, but he refused.

"You can't come to my brother's Bar Mitzvah anymore," he said.

"But I already pickled a cow fetus for the pinata!" I protested. "And I thought it was his birthday party."

6:34 PM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

TOILET FAMILY REUNION

I've been rewriting my older stories as of late, and posting them to my new site.  Today I'm retelling the story of Dick's reunion with his Dad that took place at a rest stop restroom.  It's a heartwarming and inspirational tale sure to bring a tear to your cheek.  You can access this new and improved blog by clicking on the annoying banner below.

3:17 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

DECATUR 6 RAPE VICTIM SENTENCED TO 200 LASHES
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life

(DECATUR)  A court in the ultra-conservative city of Decatur, Alabama, is punishing a female victim of gang rape with 200 lashes and six months in jail, a newspaper reported on Thursday.

The 19-year-old African-American woman -- whose six armed attackers have been sentenced to jail terms -- was initially ordered to undergo 90 lashes for "disrespect to a white male at the time of the rape," the Decatur Daily Review reported.

But in a new verdict issued after the Alabama Supreme Court ordered a retrial, the court in Decatur more than doubled the number of lashes to 200.

A court source told the Decatur Daily Review that the judges had decided to punish the woman further for "her attempt to aggravate and influence the judiciary through the media."

Last year, the court sentenced six white men to between one and five years in jail for the rape as well as ordering lashes for the victim, a community activist with the local chapters of American Civil Liberties Union (ALCU) and National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

The woman's lawyer, Bob Noel, appealed, arguing that the punishments were too lenient in a state where the offense can carry the death penalty if the victim is white and the attackers black.

In the new verdict issued on Wednesday, the court also toughened the sentences against the six men to between two and nine years in prison.

The case has angered members of Decatur's African-American community. The convicted men are "members of the elitist white power structure" in the oil-rich Gulf Coast state, Noel told the DDR.

The outspoken lawyer, who has gained fame representing defendants in the Jenna 6 case, told the Decatur Daily Review on Wednesday that the court had banned him from handling the rape case and withdrew his licence to practise law because he challenged the verdict and "the system."

He said he has also been summoned by the State of Alabama Department of Justice to appear before a disciplinary committee in December.

Noel said the move had nothing to do with his criticism of some judicial institutions, and his threats to "introduce reform, especially in the justice system, by hanging every last white man, woman and child" in the state.

Noel also stirred controversy in a recent cable access television interview when he claimed to have "no problem with white folk; I think everybody should own one."

© 2007 Decatur Daily Review. All Rights Reserved

1:21 PM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

THE KATIE COURIC DILEMMA
Current mood: horny
Category: Blogging

On the bus ride home from school, all I could think about was whether Katie Couric was better off kidnapped by interplanetary space aliens or Islamic terrorists.  I always felt debased by my attraction to her so it really came down to a choice between a three foot long anal probe or decapitation.  In the end it didn't matter because it was bunion removal day.  All my attention was focused on the  table saw the rest of the afternoon lest I lose a finger or Mom another toe.

Later tonight I plan on spending some quality time with my girlfriend.  Missy will take the role of Dennis Kucinich's wife while I play a perverted polygamist with flaming red hair and a twelve inch penis.  Uncle Dad even said he'll play Warren Jeffs so he can marry us again and make it all legal for the night.

I just hope Uncle Dad sits out our fantasy honeymoon this time around.  I'm really getting tired of sharing his daughter.

7:19 AM - 17 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

KIRK CAMERON’S 8 SIMPLE RULES FOR RAPING MY DAUGHTER
Current mood: chipper
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

(Dick Stanke's Blogosphere is honored to welcome Kirk Cameron, former star of Growing Pains and Listen to Me, as a guest columnist.)

A few years back, my career was in the toilet.  Previously, I was the cute and cuddly star of Growing Pains, gracing the covers of various teen magazines.  Then I hit puberty and found Christ, a dangerous combination in Hollywood.  Suddenly, I had to face up to the fact I was a one-dimensional actor with acne and a bible, and little hope for continuing my career.

In a fit of desperation, I turned to Jesus.  My daily devotional happened to be the story of Jephthah promising to sacrifice his daughter if he were victorious in his battle against the Ammonites.  God, in his infinite wisdom, gave victory to Jephthah and the daughter was shit out of luck as a result.  That night I fell to my knees and promised the Lord I would sacrifice my daughter if he'd just give me back my career.  The next day my agent called about the Left Behind series and the rest is history.

Now the bible is rather vague on whether or not Jephthah actually killed his daughter.  Human sacrifice was strictly forbidden by that time, so maybe he sent her to be a servant in the tabernacle or circumcised her vagina instead.  We just don't know.  With this is mind, I've decided to fudge my commitment to God as much as possible.  Murder is out, but I'm leaving the details of the crime up to you, my fans.  Basically, you can rape her all you want as long as you follow these eight simple rules.

1.  Be sure to buy the complete Growing Pains DVD collection.  It makes a great Christmas gift and my commentary is very insightful.  You don't have to actually watch it, just buy it.  I give ten percent of my net earnings as tithe to the Lord, so consider it your way of doing God's will.

2.  Do NOT buy the 1995 remake of The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes where I reprise the role of Dexter Riley originally played by Kurt Russell.  Disney is being a bitch about residuals and royalties on the overseas DVD sales, so Jesus and I want to screw them HARD until they cave.

3.  Most woman, including my daughter, are not ready for anal penetration on the first date.  Relaxation is important.  Candles, baths, and Phenobarbital are all acceptable means of relaxing the package, I mean, my daughter.

4.  No latex ball gags.  She has a pretty severe reaction to petroleum-based products and I'd rather have her choking on your penis than her own swollen tongue.  Silk panties, dirty gym socks, anything with a 100% natural fiber is pretty much okay for stuffing in her mouth if that's your thing.

5.  I probably forgot to mention that daddy's little girl has a weight problem, so you will need some forceps or duct tape to hold apart her buttocks if you're planning on going backdoor with my baby.

6.  Be sure to visit my website and register for the HTML newsletter and email updates.  You'll get a ten percent discount on merchandise as an added bonus.

7.  Please, no Negroes, Jews or Arabs.  No Asians, Mexicans, or other brown-skinned or slanty-eyed people either.  It's nothing personal, I just don't like you.

8.  Wanna keep her?  Just make daddy an offer!!!  As long as you're white and a Christian with a means of supporting her, we can probably work out a deal.

Also be sure to keep an eye out for Fireproof, my next movie.  I can't tell you much about the script, but it's due out in 2008 so mark your calendars.

Until then, remember to praise White Jesus!

6:48 PM - 55 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

R.I.P. DANA CARVEY
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Police, coroner's investigators and gay activists are calling the death of actor Dana Carvey – who fell into a wood chipper while feeding the machine branches at his Malibu home on Saturday – an unfortunate accident resulting from a flagrant use of prescription drugs.

The remains of the 52-year-old former star of Saturday Night Live and Wayne's World, were discovered by his most recent live-in companion, Lance Bass, caught in the chipper's machinery, authorities said.

Investigators from the Malibu Police Department, the Screen Actors Guild and the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender Alliance scoured the neighborhood Saturday, reviewing the scene of the accident and interviewing witnesses.

While originally investigated as a suspicious death and possible suicide, the three agencies concluded the death was accidental and ended any criminal inquiry.

A total of 31 people died in chipper accidents between 1992 and 2002, according to a 2005 Journal of the American Medical Association report.

The wood chipper and truck were towed to the Coroner's Office to be examined for DNA, authorities said.

Carvey had disappeared from public life in recent years following a bout with erectile dysfunction and the recent death his long-time companion, Karl Malden.  After ballooning to over 300 pounds, the actor found new life in his relationship with Lance Bass, member of N-Sync.

Bass is reportedly in seclusion at the home of Michael Myers, assuaging his grief with ample amounts of cocaine and sodomy.

4:04 PM - 40 Comments - 38 Kudos - Add Comment

DICK GENESIS
Current mood: touched
Category: Religion and Philosophy

In the beginning the Lord our Dog created the heaven and the earth.  And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.  And the Dog said, Let there be light: and there was light.  And the Dog saw the light and divided the light from the darkness.  And the Dog called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.  And the evening and the morning were the first day.  And the Dog said, I have done well and will rejoice in my creation with chili dogs and pornography: and it was so.  And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Then the Dog said, Those chili dogs aren't sitting too well and I need a poo: and it was so.  And the Dog called the poo Fontucky; and the Dog saw that it was pungent yet fertile.  And the Dog said, Let Fontucky bring forth herb yielding a good buzz: and it was so.  And the evening and the morning were the third day.  And the Dog said, Let there be lights to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:  And let them be for lights in the heaven to give light upon the poo of Fontucky: and it was so.  And the Dog saw that it was good.  And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

Then the Lord our Dog hurriedly created the rest of the creatures and plants and the rest of the Earth because he had started drinking earlier than usual.  And the Lord our Dog got all hot and bothered so he created Dick Stanke's fat ass mom and knew her repeatedly.  But the next day he was repulsed and sickened by his creation, so he created Dick Stanke's serial rapist dad to satisfy her insatiable needs.  And the Dog blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish Fontucky with a nerdy Mormon son named after my penis.  And the Dog saw every thing that he had made, and it was okay, he supposed.  And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

And on the seventh day the Lord our Dog ended his work which he had made; and he rested.  And the Dog blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it with masturbation and inebriation: and the Lord our Dog saw that it was good and licked himself clean after he came.

10:03 AM - 25 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

DEAR DICK . . . FOR KIDS!!!
Current mood: crazy
Category: Life

(Dick is currently away on his family honeymoon.  In his place as guest columnist is former Virginia Tech undergraduate student, Cho Seung-Hui.)

Dear Dick,

I am a twelve year old boy.  My dad died last year and my mom got married to Bud, his best friend.  Now Bud wants to have a "man-to-man" talk with me.  Bud's a good guy and I want to like him, but I still can't help hating him because he's not my real dad.  What should I say to him?

Signed,

Man-to-Man in Manitoba
(boy, age 12)


Dear Man-to-Man,

Man-to-man up your ass, bud!

Signed,

Cho




Dear Dick,

I'm so embarassed.  I've been asking my mom to buy me some tampons for the last six months, but she said I'm just being "unrealistic" and laughs at me.  Today, I had my first period in the car on the way to school and my mom got real mad because she couldn't get the bloodstains out of the upholstery.  I want to talk to her, but she seems too mad.  I don't know what to do.

Signed,

Bleeding in Boston
(girl, age 13)


Dear Bleeding,

You had a hundred billion chances and ways to have avoided today, but you decided to spill my blood. You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option. The decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that will never wash off.

Signed,

Cho




Dear Dick

My older brother always hides the remote from me because he thinks it's funny, but it's not.  Plus, he picks on me and makes me cry.

Signed,

Angry Andy in Anaheim
(boy, age 9)


Dear Angry Andy,

You want me to stick this remote control up your ass.  You ain't even worth it, man.  This remote was five bucks.

Signed,

Cho




Dear Dick,

There a girl at my middle school I really like.  Everyone calls her "honey-poo."  She seems real nice to me but has a reputation as a girl who's "easy."  I want to slip her a note in class to tell her how I feel, but I don't know what to write.  PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Signed,

Boned-Up Bobby in Battle Creek
(boy, age 11)


Dear Boned-Up Bobby,

Why don't we go to the bedroom and do it doggy-style, just the way you like it, honey-poo.

Signed,

Cho




Dear Dick,

I'm fourteen year old boy and kind of a loner and outcast.  Nobody understands me and I have no friends and my minister butt-raped me at church camp last summer and I think I may be gay because I really liked it so I've decided to go Virginia Tech on my church next Sunday.  Any advice for a memorable manifesto?

Signed,

Unstable in Urbana
(boy, age 14)


Dear Unstable,

You have vandalized my heart, raped my soul and torched my conscience.  You thought it was one pathetic boy's life you were extinguishing. Thanks to you, I die like Jesus Christ, to inspire generations of the weak and the defenseless people.

Signed,

Cho

1:55 PM - 41 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

HONEYMOON WITH DICK
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Romance and Relationships

As luck would have it, Brother Saul was not only the father of my girlfriend, but also the sibling of my mother.  It was explained to me in minimal detail en route to the honeymoon suite at Fontucky's Motel 6.  Brother Saul was my new Uncle Dad and things were going to be a lot different at home, or so he said.  In addition to administering Mom's weekly garden hose enemas, he was now my sole mentor and role model.  The excitement and anticipation of a life free from individuality and independent thought overwhelmed my senses, of course, and I could not help but escape the handcuffs and ball gag to express my gratitude.

"Save that for the honeymoon, son," Brother Saul said, pushing away my hand and playfully tossling my fiery hot hair.  "Just remember I'm the man of the house now.  Your dead dick of a dad doesn't count anymore."

Honeymoons are a family affair around these parts.  Arathi Zerg travelled all the way from Lithuania for the event with her Polish boyfriend, Cap Warsong, in tow.  I hadn't seen my favorite aunt and uncle since America's Most Wanted introduced the pair to a national audience, and I looked forward to the reunion despite the sobering rules of engagement issued by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.  Uncle Cap was my hero, able to skin a hooker or forment a pogrom with his eyes closed.

Born with both a vagina and an eternal erection, it was apparent almost immediately that Brother Saul was a man truly blessed by god.  And as we lay together as a family, sweating and writhing on the orange shag carpet, I was able to share my love with Missy in the most familial of ways, because each of my thrusts into Uncle Dad's vagina drove him that much deeper into Daddy's little girl.  Of course, Mom was far too fat for penile penetration by Brother Saul, so Auntie Arathi used a baseball bat with copius amounts of pine tar for her added pleasure while Uncle Cap watched.

"Your dad was an asshole," he observed caustically as I doubled over in pain from his blow to my kidney.

I had heard the story a thousand times by now.  It was a faux pas of heretical proportions to marry outside the family, all the more so that a Boyar like Mom would couple with a Grozny like Dad even if he was twice removed and bore an Americanized name.  It was a foregone conclusion within the closeknit community of Fontucky, therefore, that their Romeo and Juliet marriage was destined for disolution even before Mom gained two hundred pounds in the months after my birth.

It was to be a murder suicide, the most romantic of breakups, with Dad murdering Mom and making it look like a suicide.  His attempts proved unsuccessful, though, and he was forced to travel east to the saferty of Uncle Ivan and the patriot monks he commanded at the Steve Young Stronghold.  Not a day passed since his departure where somebody failed to utter an unkind word about my "dead dick of a dad," as you-know-who liked to call him.

All that was pushed aside as I now lay alone atop Mom, loving her as I had so many times before.  No matter that Brother Saul was my new Uncle Dad and man of the house.  The good lord had the genetic foresight to ensure that this one manly duty was mine alone.  I never loved my Mom more than when, covered only by our sweat and bodily fluids, she stopped panting and flatuating long enough to wash down a handful of pork rinds with a swig of lukewarm malt liquor before sinking her nails back into my thighs.  She never missed a beat.

Everything was perfect.  I was in the midst of a memory to last a lifetime.  For one brief moment all was right in my world.

Then Mom ruined everything.

"Your Dad was a bastard!" she cried out, releasing the contents of her colon.  "Make it harder, bitch!"

I loved my Mom and tried to obey her every whim and command just like a good son should.  But try as I might, I could not hate my dad the way she wanted.  All I could do was love him and his memory, and that seemed to enrage her and everyone else in my family to no end.

And these were the thoughts that ran through my head later that night as I stood before the bathroom sink, washing away the blood from my softening penis.

 "What the fuck?" I demanded of the reflection staring back at me from the cum-stained mirror.

2:35 PM - 53 Comments - 46 Kudos - Add Comment

TERROR TOILET TECHNIQUE (REPOST)
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Long before he became the leader of revolutionary Iran, the late Ayatollah Khoemeini grew concerned about the everyday practices of good Muslims everywhere.  After much prayer and suicide bombings, he produced a book to help good Muslims became better Muslims through living their lives according to the dictates of the Koran.  Here, quoted verbatim, are excerpts from his book that will help you live a better, if less modern, life through these terrific terror toilet techniques (seventy-two virgins not included).

[from Chapter 9, On The Manner Of Urinating And Defecating]

It is required that everyone, when urinating or defecating, hide his sexual parts from all pubescent persons, even his sister or his mother, as well as from any feebleminded person or children too young to understand. But husband and wife are not required to hide them from each other.

It is not indispensable to hide one's genitals with anything in particular; one's hand is enough.

When defecating or urinating, one must squat in such a way as neither to face Mecca nor to turn one's back upon it.

It is not sufficient to turn one's sex organ away, while oneself facing or turning one's back on Mecca; one's privates must never be exposed either facing Mecca or facing directly away from Mecca.

Urinating and defecating are forbidden in four places: blind alleys, except with the permission of those living along them; the property of a person who has not given permission to do so; places of worship, such as medersas; graves of believers, unless one does so as an insult to them.

In three cases, it is absolutely necessary to purify one's anus with water: when the excrement has been expelled with other impurities, such as blood, for example; when some impure thing has grazed the anus; when the anal opening has been soiled more than usual. Apart from these three cases, one may either wash one's anus with water or wipe it with some fabric or a stone.

The urinary orifice can be cleaned off with water, and it is enough to wash it just one time after urinating. But those in whom the urine comes out through some other orifice would do better to wash that orifice at least twice. This must be observed by women as well.

It is not necessary to wipe one's anus with three stones or three pieces of fabric: a single stone or single piece of fabric is enough. But if one wipes it with a bone, or any sacred object, such as, for example, a paper having the name of God on it, one may not say his prayers while in this state.

It is preferable, for urinating or defecating, to squat down in an isolated place; it is also preferable to go into this place with the left foot first; it is recommended that one keep his head covered wile evacuating, and have the weight of his body carried by the left foot.

During evacuation, one must not squat facing the sun or the moon, unless one's genitals are covered. While defecating, one must also avoid squatting exposed to the wind, or in public places, or at the door of one's house, or under a fruit tree. At the time of evacuation, one must also avoid eating, dallying, or washing one's anus with the right hand. Finally, one must avoid talking, unless one is absolutely forced to or is addressing a prayer to God.

It is better to avoid urinating standing up, or urinating onto hard ground, or into an animal hole, or into water, especially stagnant water.

It is recommended not to hold back the need to urinate or defecate, especially if it hurts.

It is recommended to urinate before going to bed, before having sexual intercourse, and after ejaculating.

After urination, one must first wash the anus if it has been soiled by the urine; then one must press three times with the middle finger of his left hand on the part between the anus and the base of the penis; then one must put his thumb on top of the penis and his index finger on the bottom and pull the skin forward three times as far as the circumcision ring; and after that three times squeeze the tip of the penis.

A woman has no special instructions to follow after urinating; if she afterward notes some moisture at the vaginal orifice which she cannot judge as pure or impute, the said moisture remains pure and in no wise stands in the way of her performing ablutions or praying.

[from Chapter 10, On the Manner of Eating and Drinking]

It is forbidden to consume the excrement of animals or their nasal secretions. But if such are mixed in minute proportions into other foods, their consumption is not forbidden.

[from Chapter 11, On Purity and Impurity]

There are eleven things which are impure: urine, excrement, sperm, bones, blood, dogs, pigs, non-Moslem men and women, wine, beer, and the sweat of the excrement-eating camel.

The urine and feces of any excrement-eating animal are impure. This is equally true of the urine and feces of any animal which has been sexually possessed by a human; and the urine and feces of sheep which have been fed on sow's milk.

[from Chapter 13, On the Nature of Water]

If excrement, urine, or other impurities have polluted running water, only that part of it which has been changed in odor, color, or taste becomes impure; the rest remains pure.

[from Chapter 17, On Fasting]

Taking an enema, even for medically therapeutic reasons, breaks the fast; but the use of suppositories is not forbidden; however, it is preferable to abstain from using opium suppositories.

9:28 AM - 26 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

R.I.P. ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Current mood: shocked
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

STANFORD, California (AP) – Anna Nicole Smith, who played a key role in U.S. defense and energy policies for more than half a century and was dubbed the "buxom babe of the H-bomb" for her large breasts and enthusiastic pursuit of the powerful weapon, died Tuesday at the Lawrence Livermore Laboratory, according to a statement released by Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner.  She was 39…really.

Among honors she received were the Albert Einstein Award, the Enrico Fermi Award and the 1997 Woody Award for Best Female Performance in an anal sex scene.

The Texas-born Smith was a topless dancer at strip club before she entered her photos in a search contest and made the cover of Playboy magazine. After blowing Hugh Hefner, she became Playboy's playmate of the year. She was also signed to a contract with Guess jeans and dabbled in gold-digging and chemical addiction.

Witty and personable, with a passion for sex, drugs and public self-degradation, Smith nevertheless was a persuasive Cold Warrior who influenced presidents of both parties.

She was one of three Playboy Playmates who submitted to the sexual advances of President Bill Clinton in order to ensure continued research into the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI), the controversial space-based defense system.  She also changed the diapers of former President Ronald Reagan while he was suffering from end-stage Alzheimers before learning he had an iron-clad prenuptial agreement in effect.

Smith joined the Manhattan Project at Los Alamos (New Mexico) Scientific Laboratory to work on developing the first atomic bomb, but stayed to have an affair with Edward Teller and Robert Oppenheimer.  She also promoted the hydrogen fusion bomb, a concept that attracted interest but remained secondary to the work on the atomic weapon.

In 1994, she married 89-year-old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II, owner of Great Northern Oil Co. In 1992, Forbes magazine estimated his wealth at $550 million.

In a 2005 interview with ABC Smith recalled meeting Marshall at what she called a "gentleman's club' in Houston. "He had no will to live and I went over to see him," she said. "He got a little twinkle in his eyes, and he asked me to blow him. And I did."

Marshall died in 1995 at age 90, setting off a feud with Smith's former stepson, E. Pierce Marshall, over whether she had a right to his estate.

Smith's son, Daniel Smith, died Sept. 10 in his mother's hospital room in the Bahamas, just days after she gave birth to a daughter.  An American medical examiner hired by the family, Cyril Wecht, said he had methadone and cesium in his system when he died.

Meanwhile, the paternity of her now 5-month-old daughter remained a matter of dispute. The birth certificate lists Dannielynn's father as attorney Howard K. Stern, Smith's most recent companion. Smith's ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead was waging a legal challenge, saying he was the father, as was NFL quarterback Peyton Manning and the entire starting lineup of the NBA's Indiana Pacers.

In a statement, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner said: "I am very saddened to learn about Anna Nicole's passing. She was an expert physicist and a dear friend who could suck the chrome off a tailpipe.  She really knew how to make an old man happy."

DON'T FOGET TO VISIT [WWW.DICKSTANKE.NET]

4:25 PM - 59 Comments - 47 Kudos - Add Comment

SUPER SUNDAY SATAN & SODOMY: THE TONY DUNGY STORY
Current mood: thankful
Category: Sports

Super Bowl XLI had been hyped as a major social milestone in U.S. history, since for the time, the head coaches of both teams were negroes without a criminal record.

But when the game was over and the Indianapolis Colts had defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17, the winning coach said white women and Satan were more important than any racial moment.

During the nationally televised post-game show on CBS, coach Tony Dungy was asked specifically about the "social significance" of the day.

Jim Nantz of CBS Sports: "Your son blamed you for his suicide, Tony, and there is also social significance in this victory, and now you can have your pick of any white woman in Indiana. Will you be going to Disneyland?"

Tony Dungy: "I'll tell you what. I accept for responsibility for the death of my dead gay son.  I'm proud to be representing colored coaches, to be a credit to my race and the first negro with a clean record to win this. And I love white women and wings.  But again, more than anything, I've said it before, Lovie Smith and I, not only being the first two negroes without a criminal conviction, but being minions of Satan showing that you can win doing it the Dark Lord's way with plenty of fragmented and run-on sentences and expressing my religious views in a wholly inappropriate forum such as this. And we're more proud of that, I think, boring and offending hundreds of millions of non-believers with our religious beliefs, though I don't want to do anything to bore or offend that hot and beautilicious white honeypot I see giving me the eye over there.  Hey, baby.  You wanna take a ride in my Escalade and see something really super after I be through talking with this here cracker?" [READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE]

10:54 AM - 34 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

OFFICIAL SAYS "HORNY HORNBECK OWNED DEVLIN"
Current mood: angry
Category: News and Politics

ST. LOUIS, MO - Shawn Hornbeck fantasized so deeply about the intense isolation and abuse he enjoyed during his first month of captivity that he coerced his adult guardian to kidnap Ben Ownby and keep the boy hidden in his apartment as a human playtoy while Michael Devlin was at work, an official close to the investigation told Dick Stanke's Blogosphere.

In return for sexual favors, Devlin worked long hours to support his new surrogate family in addition to babysitting 13-year-old Ben Ownby while Hornbeck was playing video games or outside riding his skateboard with friends, said the official, who requested anonymity.

Michael was traumatized after the abduction in 2002 and the experience essentially tore apart the 36-year-old's identity, the official said. Over time, Devlin began to see himself as Hornbeck's protector and surrogate parent in a pattern common to many abuse victims, the official said.

"He's a victim. He was forced to live with this kid. He was forced to accommodate," the official said. [READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE]



(Bill O'Reilly, Michael Jackson, and Pope Benedict XVI contributed to this report.)

10:22 AM - 37 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

SHAWN HORNBECK: PORTRAIT OF A TEENAGED ABUSER
Current mood: nauseated
Category: News and Politics

KIRKWOOD, MO - For more than four years, Shawn Hornbeck had every chance to escape, left alone for hours to ride his bike, play video games and walk past missing-child posters showing his own age-progressed image. So mental health experts say it would be easy to make the mistake of thinking of Hornbeck as the victim. Instead, they say, Shawn was most likely excited and aroused at his ability to sexually and mentally dominate the man wrongly accused of kidnapping him, 41-year-old Michael Devlin.

"Whatever Micheal Devlin did to this point to stay alive is to his credit," said Terri Weaver, an associate psychology professor at Saint Louis University.

Meanwhile, the question of why Micheal Devlin did not try to escape is echoing across this "blighted" small town. Weaver said that with what little is known so far, there are no easy answers.

"But drawing on some similar cases, we have a hypothesis," she said. "You have to consider possible threats by the children. These kids are ruthless and without morals, especially when they're all boned up from watching reruns of the Odd Couple and Bonanza. They have this carefree life with no rules or school or bedtimes, coupled with unlimited video games and fast food and energy drinks, AND on-demand sex with an overweight same-sex adult. They're not going to give that up without a fight and the victim abductor can come to believe that leaving is not an option." [READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE]

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