I published my book
Current mood: tired
Category: Writing and Poetry

I said I wouldn't do it till I finished the other two... But circumstances have kind of left me with not a lot of choice. Unless my insurance company comes around and approves Lyrica for me or we just say screw it and buy it from Canada its not real likely that I'll be podcasting the book or completing the other two... I just don't have the energy.

Luckily there's Lulu.com. I decided I would release a "rough draft" version for sale if people would like to purchase it, and you can find that link here: http://www.lulu.com/content/3985038

It's $21.50, which occurs to me to be a ridiculous price for a book but given its my only venue of getting it out there at this point... All I can say is I apologize. I'll try to get those other two written so I can get a big house to publish it and you can find it on the book shelves for $7.50 or whatever. Of course the way the prices are going up it might end up being that way anyway. At any rate, it has a nice cover. I hope. I ordered a copy and haven't gotten it yet, so I dunno how well it came out.

But there it is. If you hold any interest in reading it all, its now available. I also made a digital copy available for significantly less. I don't know how you go about purchasing that but be aware its available, if you're into that.

Anyway, as for the Fibro... Its been kicking my but. I had three great days with the Lyrica, it was like saying "what pain?" but I came down with pink-eye and after a discussion with my doctor we decided to play the insurance companies game. They wanted me to try Neurontin and Flexeril first. As far as I was concerned I'd jump through any hoops to get back to Lyrica. Well after five days the Neurontin was giving me nightmares and halucinations of hanging myself, so I stopped taking that. Flexeril is like living every moment feeling drugged. But I'm on that just to keep the pain down until Dr. Schmitd can work his appeal mojo.

So yeah, thats where I'm at. Drugged for the most part, waiting for the one that will kill the pain and exhaustion without making me even more tired.

So yeah. Make me feel better, buy my book. *lol*

12:20 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear diary...
Current mood: bummed
Category: Life

Well it's been quite a long while since I last wrote here. Not a whole lot thats happened to mention... I quit podcasting obviously. It was one of those things where trying to gather the energy to do it was in itself such an overwhelming chore that in the end didn't really seem worth it. I was missing out on life it seemed, and the things I used to enjoy just as well, writing especially. In fact the day I decided to quit podcasting my brain was inundated by ideas for a prequel short story series to Dark Ascendance. I started writing and.... Well something weird happened. I was having a hard time concentrating on writing the way I used to. I would be going along with a scene and suddenly have an idea for something I'd need to research... I'd get distracted. And in the limited amount of time I had between work and whatever you would call downtime, my writing time basically disolved without my even noticing.

In the mean time at work I got pulled back and forth between projects, even though we're running low on work, I got involved in this project where I had to take all survey data collected on a particular project over the course of 13 years and put them together into one survey. It was intense, frustrating, and it took me a good month of not moving from my station, with the exception of my frequent bathroom breaks... Sometime during this time my chair broke, apparently most chairs have a 250 pound limit. I was able to order parts to fix it but I spent a good week sitting in a chair that I had to keep perfectly still in or I'd either fall on my face or flat on my back.

I guess the reason I'm bringing this up is that at some point last week I took a breath and realized, holy crap I feel like shit. And I don't mean like I've got the flu or something, Lonna was on anti-biotics for strep throat but we're not talking throat or ear pain here, we're talking my legs were on fire, my feet felt like they were breaking in two, my hands hurt, I couldn't lift my left arm above my shoulder without serious pain... Basically I hurt everywhere. And it occured to me that this wasn't the first time I'd experienced this. I saw the doctor about it when he found my scholiosis. But the more I thought about it, the farther back I went the more I could remember this same pain, only those times I wrote it off because I was under sever stress. In this case the most stress I'd gone through was not getting out of my chair for a good month. That made no sense to me. So on a whim I pulled up Google and just searched "hurts all over." It gave me page after page about a condition called Fibromyalgia, something I'd never heard of. But when I looked at the symptoms list, I was in for quite a surprise. Irritable bowel syndrome, restless leg syndrome, having symptoms of hypoglycemia while testing negative for diabetes, painful over-reactions to seemingly normal stimulii, and "hot spots" where the slightest touch causes pain... I had to contain myself, it was like learning of the Big Bang theory of the last three years of medical treatment I've gone through. But you know how it is, you find these things on the internet, they sound like you have them but you're not a doctor, you can't say you've got it.

Well I've got it. A couple people at work had talked me into going to a barbeque out on Lake Coeur d'Alene last Friday and I figured the doctor was on the way, if I could slip in... They had an open slot right before the BBQ so I went and told Dr. Schmidt what was going on, and how I suspected Fibromyalgia... Showed him the rash on my feet that mysteriously showed up almost a year ago and is one of the hallmarks of the disorder... He did the physical test for it and it turns out absolutely yes, I have Fibromyalgia.

I actually felt better after the appointment. Dr Schmidt recommended a treatment of a drug called Lyrica, as we'd talked about the various treatments and how this one would be best. Essentially I'd be taking two pills at night to avoid the "brain fog" the drug is known to cause in the initial month of taking it.

But then I got home and I checked the formulary for our insurance company and they don't cover Lyrica, they cover the drug Dr. Schmidt told me would likely cause the same type of brain drain and behavioral problems Zyprexa did to me back in 2005. The funny thing is, this drug is not even approved by the FDA for treatment of Fibromyalgia, the only two are Lyrica and Cymbalta (which is an anti-depressant, which I've not had luck with). Neither of which are covered by my insurance.

But the insurance aside, I started looking into the Fibromyalgia community to see what the outlook was for any of these treatments. I get the impression that Neurotin (the drug my insurance company would rather me take because its cheaper) is the worse one, helping people less and in worst cases causing psychosis, but I don't know any details... It does seem to help some people. Lyrica on the other hand is so new, the few people that tried it, it seems to be 50/50, either they hated it and quit after a few weeks or it helped a good deal better than Neurotin. But in Neurotin's case, Pfiser, the drug manufacterer was sued in multiple states not only for abuse due to off-label advertising but that it caused numerous people to commit suicide. But then I found a recent alert by the FDA saying that 11 drugs, including both Neurotin AND Lyrica were found to double thoughts of suicide in patients taking them.

So it's kind of like... Well, I have a diagnosis. I can finally say what it is thats wrong with me, and it isn't degenerative, it isn't going to kill me or anything. But treating it... Man at this point I just don't have a fucking clue. Its almost as if I'd be better off not treating it at all.

Currently listening : Drops of Jupiter By Train Release date: 2001-03-27

5:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m honored, really
Current mood: drained
Category: Podcast

So yeah, if you haven't figured it out by now, that whole thing about me being replaced on the recap was a joke.

What really threw me was the concern you guys threw out there, the emails you sent me and Brian over at Farpoint, and the fact that for the three days I played this out, NOBODY downloaded the show. Now thats loyalty people.

I promise I won't make that kind of joke again. *lol*

Anyway. About the falling down the stairs comment... It was early this morning, I was tired and not paying attention I guess... I'm ok, no broken bones (lucky I have plenty of padding I guess) but I think I jerked a muscle, bending my left leg has hurt quite a bit. Plus I sliced open my finger afterwards, so today just hasn't been my day.

Other than that, things are good. Brain Bleach Radio looks to be on the ball for recording next month. The release date still hasn't been decided and likely won't till August, but just judging by the test runs we've done, I'm guessing you guys are really going to enjoy this. If you thought Eliza was off the hook in Wingin' it, just wait. *lol*

Currently listening : 3 Doors Down By 3 Doors Down Release date: 2008-05-20

6:03 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The deal with the Recap
Current mood: bummed
Category: Podcast

Not much to tell I guess... Everyone knows I haven't been feeling great about FPR's numbers, and been getting a lot more excited about the Brain Bleach Radio podcast we've been working on... So I approached Brian about the possibility of podfading the Recap, and surprise surprise... As it turns out, ever since my hiatus announcement they've had a guy waiting in the wings to take over for me. He all ready had a show ready to go in fact.

So I've decided to post it on my page in good faith, and I hope you guys give the guy a chance. I've heard a bit of his show and well... We'll have to see.

And for those of you who've all ready heard the show... be quiet. Till Wednesday anyway. *lol*

9:02 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Richard Matheson has angered me
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Podcast

Almost a week after the stupid thing airs, I'm finally breaking my vow of eternal silence.

Wingin' It 3d is dead.

I'm actually kind of relieved. It was like beating a dead horse for a while there. Half the time the topics were pissing me off, and the other half I had nothing to work with. Turns out Mike and Brian felt the same way.

Oh well.

The Farpoint Recap is kind of falling under the same fate... Loosing listeners incredibly fast. I can think of a million reasons why, I just don't know which one(s). And if its gonna be like this I dunno if its worth it.

There's another project I'm working on with some peoples that could be cool. Kind of a way of starting fresh, but still doing podcasting.

Anyway... When we got our stimulus check we used most of it to get cars running, though the Chevy sounds like a lost cause. Lonna is driving the Samurai, and I think I've found the part thats broken thats causing the RPMs to be too high, but I don't know how to fix it. Plus its missing and a tuneup didn't do anything.

Well I thought I had a point going there.. Oh yeah, I'm trying to learn guitar again. It's wierd, I've got some of the basic chords down, and I can strum in kind of a pathetic lame dog like fashion... But I can't believe the first song to practice in this book is Kumbaya. Why can't it be something cool like... I dunno... Give Myself To You by Train. (I dunno... totally random off my playlist)

And I decided that I'd take a departure from Orson Scott Card and try out Richard Matheson. I figured he'd be good since I've seen every movie adaptation of his books out there (Stir of Echoes, Somewhere in Time, I am Legend, What Dreams My Come) and they're all cool... But I got three of the books and two out of the three are written in first person perspective. So it's a good thing Matheson is dead because I'd love to rip his nipples out with a pair of knitting needles.

Anyway. This weekend we did some major spring cleaning... Got the studio nice and purdy and Lonna turned the guest room into a study/guitar room for me to practice in, which was pretty nice. Now I have motivation. I could use more of that, in other areas. Like loosing some weight. Which I've all ready started to an extent, it's called my friends and family. Which is another story I don't have the wherewithall to tell.

Frankly I've just had enough drama for... well at least a good five or six months. Maybe a good year.

Thank God for golf. BTW- New Maroon 5 CD is da AWESOME.

And Lonna, if you don't stop with the pink headphones I swear I'm going to put my head through the television.

Currently listening : It Won't Be Soon Before Long By Maroon 5 Release date: 2007-05-22

9:29 PM - 6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dark clouds on the horizon..
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Literally. I actually heard thunder a minute ago. I looked out the window... And I dunno why my immediate thought whenever I do that is "I really ought to mow the lawn," because it does need to be mowed to kill all the dead stuff... But everytime I try it either rains or snows... At any rate I got a nice view of the Spokane skyline, and there were some pretty dark clouds on the horizon. It’s kind of funny, I’ve always felt like this was a more beautiful sight to see than any perfectly sunny day... I mean I’m definately miserable on those bleak and dreary days where the sky is gray and the world has no definition... But I think its weird how we define "dark clouds on the horizon" as something ominous, like bad things are about to happen.

Thats definately one way to look at it. Most people don’t like storms. Me, I love storms. The rain and thunder and lightning coming down... Makes me feel like the world is alive.

And yet when it comes to my own life, my own personal "dark clouds on the horizon," I’m not a whole lot different then anyone else. If I were true to myself I’d look at the possibilities of the coming storm as something thats beautiful, instead of looking at it with such dread.

I think a good deal of my life has been lived in that gray area where the world has no definition. Maybe thats why I get depressed without even realizing it.

Last week in the program was about diet and excircise... And there’s a certan amount of dread in that because with the wheat allergy, eating at all is hard enough. With Lonna working at Charlies we’ve had the opportunity to move towards more natural fruits and such to replace the usual sugary snacks... Only to discover that I process those foods about as well as I do stuff with wheat in it. Thats from living the gray life I’m guessing.

And excircise... I suppose if I were more determined on that count I’d get a raincoat and walk through the rain and snow... But I appear to be not determined. Even my psychologist’s suggestion to walk up and down the stairs ten times a day... Sounds easy but I continue to fall into this overpowering sense of Life’s Schedule... Like things that take priority before everything else, like cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry. Sure I can stop doing those things, and I have, and I just watch the problem pile up before me... Because it’s my problem and nobody else can fix it but me. You’d think I’d be able to apply that same thinking to other important areas of my life... But growing up, making sure the house was clean was priority one in my life, and now even though I’m mature enough to know that isn’t the case anymore, its so ingrained into my being that I can’t find a way to break out of it. And that bothers me. Because its not like I’m that good at cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry anyway. All I really do is dishes and I probably mix up all the clothes wrong. But it has to be done. Why can’t I take that determination and assign it to something else, like staying healthy?

And there has been the religious thing this week. So many topics on Wingin’ It have kind of touched on that, and with the program feeling less effective, and all these other issues, I’ve kind of gone back to some of my old Christian podcasts and re-examined, and in a way reasserted my faith. What’s interesting is that some of the messages I hear have applied, and some have applied to the discussions that I’ve heard that sort of agitated me. That sort of thing always helps to reaffirm your belief system. For once in my life when I prayed I actually started asking that God help guide my own life, and give me the strength to overcome these issues. Before I’d only pray for that in other peoples lives. Thats weird to hear and say because the reason I did that before is because I felt other people deserved grace and salvation more than I did. I wasn’t interested in those things because I didn’t feel I deserved them. But that lesson about expectations, what I expect from others and of myself, kind of turned the mirror for me. Made me wonder why I was so concerned with other peoples problems, basically the equivilant of spiritually butting in on their lives. It’s just crazy. I dunno why I would think like that. I mean obviously that wasn’t my train of thought, but that is in effect what I was saying.

So now I find myself in a weird place. A moment of revelation if you will, but at the same time not something I can run out and "shout out to the heavens" so to speak. There are lots of problems in my life that aren’t going to be fixed overnight. I’ve kind of set in my mind that I want to go to Eastern Washington University and get a degree in teaching, but I want to do as much as possible with scholarships because my current student loan debt is rediculous, and I feel utter shame that its for something that now I feel like I don’t want to do in my life. Second is my job, I love the company but I’m becoming rediculously tired of what I do. They probably wouldn’t have a problem showing me survey work or construction managment, but there I get stuck in a tidal wave of "what if" thinking. Like can I honestly handle it out in the field when I can barely make it to work every day? (and I ought to stop saying that, at this point I’m only feeling slightly uneasy if I’ve eaten the wrong thing... I can make it to work just fine, it’s the unexpected trips I’m having problems with at the moment) And Lonna isn’t happy with her job, and if she loses it or quits will be in serious trouble. Part of me thinks we should just declare bankruptcy and be done with it, but a larger part knows that won’t solve a great deal. It will prevent certain actions from happening, but I’d rather it come down to that before we make any decisions on that front. Because as it stands now we’re making progress on the debt thing. Not as fast as I’d like but realistic progress.

And of course there’s the baby thing. Lonna still wants one, and I do but I want it to be when we’re ready... But then I look at mom and dad, and they had nothing when I was a kid and I turned out ok, and they had just about everything when Eric was born and he’s kind of just rebelled against anything and everything. I have to wonder if its just because you appreciate more when you have little to appreciate. So for me there really isn’t a "ready" time, there’s just a time for it to happen. So it will happen when Lonna decides to take her pills, stop making excuses about going to the doctor (yeah I know your reading this Lonna go to the freaking doctor all ready, how many different ways do I need to say it before you go and stick to their advice) and then it’s just up to God to decide if we’re ready or not. And if we’re not then I can’t exactly blame him... We got a lot of problems. A lot of things that need to be worked through.

We’re a storm on the horizon. But whats nice about that is, thats how you know you’re alive.

1:53 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ok maybe I should write something here
Current mood: blah
Category: Podcast

I said on the show that I’d keep everyone up to date week by week on the whole rehab process, and as you can see four weeks later, clearly I’ve been living up to my word.

I’ve been a little active online but not a lot. I hang out on the Deadpan comments board the most, its just one of those non-threatening environments I can go to and have a good time. I’ve also been on the Truth Seekers board, which is cool. It’s nice to be able to talk politics with people and not have to go through the usual anal raping thats associated with that. Hey I wonder if Dani would take that as a tagline- Truth Seekers, it scratches my itch.

I had been doing very well with the no caffiene, sugar and chocolate until this week. Then I noticed I was starting to get very angry and impatient with people. At one point this week I felt like I was going to go out of my mind with the caffiene withdrawls, and Lonna was like "just drink a coke or something all ready." So I gave in and drank about half a liter of Dr. Pepper. Didn’t quite scratch the itch. Plus Lonna asked me if I wanted her to make me some lemon bars (see, she’s not an enabler at all, is she) and so now I’ve got those on the counter taunting me not to eat them. Which I’m not being very successful at that either. Plus the caffiene only seemed to turn impatient hostility into violent hostility, which isn’t good either.

I hesitate to call any of this failure though. I know in my show I said that this was a do or die program, either I stick with it and get better or I don’t. And I’m learning from this program that this sort of thinking is exactly why I have this anxiety problem. Nothing in life is do or die, this isn’t some action film where I’ve got five seconds to defuse the bomb. And maybe outright quitting sugar and caffiene is an unrealistic expectation for me. I mean consider this, I used to drink at least seven to ten pops a day, usually one or two being something heavily caffinated like an energy drink or wild cherry pepsi or something. And live on chocolate from 9 to noon. And now I’m at most having two cans of ginger ale a week, and other than a couple of pieces of dark chocolate that I didn’t care for (and well, today a lot of lemon bars) I’ve really cut out the sugar in my diet all together. So I gotta look at that and say yeah, this is a realistic improvement, and I should be proud of this.

Also out of the 20 required car trips and various ones to pick up medications or groceries, I’ve only had a couple of panic attacks, and those were very light and I was able to get through them relatively easy. And we even made it through a trip to the video store. That’s huge! I couldn’t do that two weeks ago without having to run to Wendy’s to use their bathroom every two minutes (because Hollywood locks theirs).

And you know I probably never mentioned this, but that first week on the program was so bad, I thought if I didn’t see results immediately that I’d have to look at going on short term disability because driving the two miles to work was like going on a roller coaster ride sea sick. And so I called my doctor at the beginning of the second week to talk about options, and while I’m waiting for him to call me back, I get to reading the ingredients to this tea I’ve been drinking for months now called "Stomach Ease," it’s a homeopathic thing by a company called Yogi Tea. Theres that one and one called "Stress Relief" and one called "Fasting." (because my stomach is upset, I’m stressed out, and I want to loose weight) And oddly enough, just below the active ingredients list there is an INACTIVE ingredients list that is very small and you wouldn’t think to look at, and they all say they include Barley Malt.

Which is my other food allergy. The wheat is the obvious one, its in everything. But Barley isn’t, so it sneaks up on me sometimes.

So that is the reason why I was so bad. That stupid tea that was supposed to be calming me down was actually ripping up my insides for months. So once I stopped drinking that (Now I’m drinking Breathe Deep and this Licorice Root one, neither has barley but the Breathe Deep helps with my asthma and the licorice root is supposed to make your adrenal glands not freak out so much, because the issue with panic attacks is you get too much adrenaline in you and what looks to everyone else like you buckling your seat belt feels more like being trapped in a cage with a wild tiger) I started feeling a lot better, and actually became capable of conciously controlling my panic attacks. Now I’m working on more subconciously controlling them, or eliminating them if thats even possible.

Everything I’ve read, including what my own doctor says, is that this disorder comes back when you least expect it. So the fact that I’m going through this therapy for a second time I guess is not that big of a deal. I guess I could look at it more as a yearly maintenance sort of thing.

As for the podcasting thing, I’ve made it pretty clear that the show will be back. I’ve figured out how to reconcile that whole "Leann Tribute Show" thing and as soon as I’ve got something I’ll be talking with Jack about that. And wow, is it gonna be funny. And I’ve had another REALLY good idea for another podcast, but damn it, I don’t have time for another one... If I did I’d just do the Wingin’ It Recap.

As for writing, I told Lonna last night it feels like that section of my brain has shut down. You’d think with taking all this time for myself I’d be able to work that in... Part of it is we still haven’t gotten the magic couch, and I feel like if I had somewhere comfortable to sit I might be able to pound some stuff out. But also the idea factory seems closed... Or rather in my head it looks more like my garage, I’ve got shit everywhere and I don’t know where to start.

But anyway... Thats where I’m at. Still trucking along. At least now I can do the relaxation sessions without wondering why my intestines are tying themselves in knots.

Currently listening : Minutes to Midnight By Linkin Park Release date: 15 May, 2007

10:24 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m in rehab
Current mood: complacent
Category: Blogging

Or I may as well be.

I'm taking this "Lucinda Bassett: Attacking Anxiety and Depression" program to try and rid myself of this ridiculous level of anxiety I'm experiencing. It's a 15 week program and fairly hardcore, so I had to go on hiatus from the Farpoint Recap to concentrate on it.

I wasn't going to start it this week, because part of the relaxation CD involves being able to sit in a comfortable recliner or bed... And I own a comfortable neither... At least until the magic furniture arrive, supposedly this weekend or next. But I figured what the hell, I could probably get started and at least try and wean myself off some of this stuff. Basically its no caffiene, no sugar, no chocolate... And then you're supposed to start eating healthy and excercising and shit. Which to me is like... They may as well have put down a label that says "Just kill yourself, everyone else will feel better."

I'm not sure the caffiene will be that big of a deal because I allowed myself to get addicted to ginger ale... But that of course has sugar in it, and I consume about three candybars a day and a bag of those Dove caramel filled chocolates every week. So that is problematic. And as for excercise, it's not like I don't want to... It's always a question of when and how. Like last year I got into walking, but my feet started hurting and we got into that whole podiatrist thing. Which is fine now, but I still feel like I can't walk through the front door without feeling like my ass is going to explode.

But I listened to the first course today, and its basically this introductory thing.. Its almost like the program goes out of its way to try and convince you that its valid. And from my perspective, it's like I paid $250 for the fucking thing, it better be god damned valid. But it did bring up a number of good points and some things I hadn't really thought about before. So thats good, coming right out of the first lesson. And I glimpsed at the lesson homework, even though technically I'm not supposed to do that till Wednesday. It looked interesting. Like this list of conditions you went through as a child, with a disclaimer of "These are the things that you cannot change." And it had things like "Where you ever in an overbearing or obsessive religion (yes)," "Did you have overbearing parents (yes)" and on and on. And then there were personality traits of people with anxiety disorder, and I admit I have a few of them. But that was just like one page, I think theres like five pages of homework on lesson one.

But outside of the rehab thing... I guess my father in law bought a car trailer, so he can tow the Cavelier and the Suzuki up to Curlew and work on them. Which is cool, it would be nice to be driving a car again with a drivers side window. The snow was one thing, now we're getting into the rainy season again, and when my ass is cold and wet I'm not a happy camper.

5:23 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

See, this is what you get for investing in politics
Current mood: disappointed
Category: News and Politics

A huge bite on the ass, thats what you get.

Seriously, I wish I'd have been rooting for a real loser like Ron Paul or Guliani or one of those guys. Because then this would be over for me. I'd be dissapointed as hell, but it would be over.

But no, I had to make an early investment is supporting Barack Obama.

And I really believed he would change the political landscape. I kind of still do.

Right now I'm mostly pissed off with the New York Times. First they did that article about John McCain that was clearly bullshit. And then I'm starting to notice article after article praising Obama's momentum and coming down on Hillary Clinton, like what did she do wrong, why is her campaign falling apart, and how she's loosing all this money and all this support... And its like you know I don't like Clinton OR McCain, but for fucks sake, leave the people alone. I mean seriously. Why can't you just report real news and let the voters decide who they want?

And I'm even kind of miffed with Obama at this point. This whole thing about misleading mailings... I mean I have no doubt that what they said in those flyers were true, Obama's made transparency his trademark. But when we the people got behind him in support it was because this was a real movement for change... An attack on a Washngton that no longer represented its people and left us not only in economic hardship but in far more danger abroad then they'd like us to think with them in power. A Washington run by lobbyists and special interests. Obama's campaign is 100% financed by individual donars across America. We have matching drives all the time that are not only geared at getting money but allow us to connect with others who are doing the same, possibly for the first time. That has been the quintisential differnece between Obama and Clinton for me.

And Thursdays debate, I was fine that with few exception they completely respected each other's candidacy. Frankly, I liked that both of them took the high ground. I even enjoyed some of Clinton's answers.

But this whole mailing thing... It doesn't bother me that he sent out flyers about her health care program. I mean its not like she hasn't done the same to him for months now. What upsets me is that after 11 victories he felt he had to stoop so low as to send them in the first place. And his justification is that "Hillary is a heavyweight, you don't take her out by points, you take her out with a knockout." Which besides being a disturbing slip of the tongue in favor of violence against females, what part of 11 straight victories was NOT a knockout punch?

I mean I guess we'll see. I'm just very dissapointed at how this suddenly is turning out. I thought these guys might both take the high road to the election and let the people decide. But clearly they both would rather act like children, while McCain is simply acting like he's forgotten who he used to be and that people actually respected him for that. He should have told Limbaugh and the entire Christian Coalition to kiss his ass. Hell, I might have voted for him if he'd have had the balls to do that.

Currently playing : Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess Release date: 17 November, 2006

1:44 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Washington Caucus
Current mood: happy
Category: News and Politics

So this was my first caucus... And while I've pretty much voted straight Democrate my entire voting lifetime, understand the first election I was ever eligible to vote in was Bush VS Gore. And understand, in High School there were only two things I hated about the Clinton Administration... Hilary and Al Gore. Hilary for her rampant scandals and rants over a "right wing conspiracy," and Al Gore for his arrogance, presumption, and flat out ignorance. But I voted for him because Bush pandered way too much to the religious right, from Pat Robertson to Rush Limbaugh to that other guy whose in Hell right now being ass raped by a purple teletubbie. I forget his name, but you know what I'm talking about. But I also didn't vote for him because I remember his father, and while I thought he was a fine president, I was too worried the new Bush would be too eager in invade Iraq. And I know that statement had no substance at the time, but how odd is it that I was right.

Then there was Kerry VS Bush. I wasn't too on to Kerry but I didn't overly dislike him either. But for the most part I voted for him because I wasn't going to vote for Bush. At that point though I started to worry if I wasn't cursed, like if I vote for a guy I believe in it automatically means that candidate will lose.

This election is different in a big way. I don't have to vote against Bush. And Democrats are arguing that we still are, that if we put another Republican in the White House then we'll continue sending this country in the wrong direction. The Iraq war will continue forever and the US will continue to bully other nations with our Christianity. Gays will never be allowed to marry and the poor will be taxed to death while the rich get richer and better tax breaks.

I dunno if I believe all that. There are some things in the Democratic party I just don't agree with. While I don't believe abortion should be illegal by law, I do believe doctors should be entitled the medical responsibility of refusing them to patients perfectly capable of following through with their pregnancies and prime candidates for adoption if theres strong evidence to suggest the person is willingly and frequently participating in rampant unprotected sex. I think thats maybe 5% of cases out there, but in the cases of medical need a doctor should be allowed to perform one if he feels it necessary.

Second, I don't beleive the Christian Faith has the copyright on the word "marriage." Because if that were the case Jews wouldn't be allowed to marry. Muslims wouldn't be allowed to marry. Marriage is the right of every free person on this planet, and to argue otherwise is ridiculous. In fact studies are beginning to show that gay marriage is more stable than regular marriage. And I think thats only the case because there are so few cases of gay marriage, and its the straight people that aren't taking it seriously anymore.

Third, I didn't see anything out of the first set of Bush tax cuts so I'm willing to believe that only the big salary makers saw big returns. But I don't believe that will be the case with the economic stimulus package congress is working on, and for Dave Ramsey to call that socialism, which is a step away from calling it communism... I'm sorry, but as inteligent as that man is, I can't listen to him anymore if he's going to make stupid allegations like that. I pay taxes just like he does, and yeah, if one person decides to use their tax cut to buy an iPhone, that is like a slap in the face. But you know what, we all pay taxes, and we're all for the most part getting some back. The difference is while you've spent your life working your ass off to get where you are and as rich as you are, I've spent my ass working my ass off to barely get by. While your parents were big in real estate sales my family lived on food stamps and I was forced to take out shitty college loans just to take on a job that barely makes more than what I made with only a high school diploma. And now because of our shitty economy, supplied by the real estate business you once belonged to, my wife is out of a job and now I don't know how I'm going to pay those loans back.

Sorry. Long rant. Anyway, the caucus.

Most ridiculous thing ever. But in the end, very fun, and I'm glad Lonna and I were able to go.

So we get there, and right away I'm worried because everyone at the registration table is sporting Hillary Clinton stickers. And I walk up and I'm like, we need to register to vote first. And this one ladies like "Ok, sure, just fill out these forms..." And this lady gets out the forms and pulls some pens out of her bag and hands one to me and asks "Are you voting for Hillary today?" And I'm like "No..." And she does the same thing to my wife, and when she says no, she doesn't give her a pen. And she turns to me and is like "I'm gonna need that pen back." So from then on I dubbed her Crazy Pen Lady.

So we fill out our voter registration thing and go back to the table and they ask us what precinct we're in, and I don't remember because I didn't know that was important, I thought we just got there and stood in whatever corner and got counted as a supporter of whoever. Well no, apparently they split you up by precinct. So we find out that number, and someone again asks us if we're voting for Hillary, and my wife God love her gives this lady the most resounding, annoyed NO you've ever heard. And Crazy Pen Lady is like "Well if you're not registered to vote today then you can't be counted in the Caucus."

And thank god by that time someone from the Obama camp showed up behind and said "Yes they can, according to the Spokane Democrats by laws you have every right to register to vote at a caucus event and participate in the caucus." So Crazy Pen Lady got shut down fast and we sat down at a table. And then we got directed to a table on the other side of the room, which made us worried because it had been fully decorated by the Clinton people who'd arrived super early, we were afraid they were gonna slick count us as Clinton votes even though we'd registered that we were voting for Obama.

So we got to our table, which ended up being four tables for our precinct once everyone showed up. And we got to meet some fantastic, really inteligent and amazing people from our own neighborhood, I was so surprised. There was one lady there that was so hell bent on voting for Edwards, even though he'd all ready dropped out. She eventually left our table because we were all for Obama. And there was a guy there that helped dig me out of the snow a couple weeks ago and I got the chance to thank him again. Turns out he's like a union labor leader, a really cool guy named Jim that got to be chosen as one of our delegates.

And then the event started, and the PA system was dead, so this guy who looked and sounded like Wilford Brimley went to a corner of the room and tried to explain to everyone how it would go... Our precinct captains would count up the votes so far, and then we'd have time to talk to each other about why we were behind our candidate, and then if anyone wanted to change their mind they could. Then they'd recount, and based on the percentage of people assign delegates. And what I thought was interesting was that people in our group actually were the delagates. I thought the number was purely representative and the people at the Convention were just from the general media and Democratic party. Turns out I was wrong.

But then we found out who are precinct captain was. And guess who that was. Yep. Crazy Pens Lady. And that both pissed us off and made us really nervous, because according to Democratic party rules, Precinct Captains are mandated to be bipartisan, they're not allowed to chose one side over the other, only to help organize the caucus, count the voters and determine which side gets how many delegates. So her supporting Clinton was HIGHLY innapropriate. But I guess it doesn't matter because we utterly outnumbered them anyway. Even so, we took an independant count just to be sure. And I think Jim is going to be keeping a close watch on her and some people were thinking about reporting her to Spokane Democrats.

But our independent count was 23:12 Obama the first time. Then we got a chance to stand up and speak for our candidate. Jim went first and talked about how Obama once worked at the city level with unions and knew how to bring the federal government and local governments together, and that was the experience that was important to him. He also said he was Catholic and couldn't support someone who voted three times to support the war in Iraq, that it basically made her just as much a killer as Bush. Then Crazy Pens Lady (our precinct captain *ahem*) stood up and said she was also Catholic and didn't have a problem with Clinton's vote. Then after that one of the guys on our side spoke, and I forget what he talked about or what his name was, but he was a cool guy who made a great point. Then a lady on the Clinton side stood up, and she was a nice lady but I forget most of what she said, except that she said she was a Catholic too and was having a hard time forgiving her for voting for the war. Then like two people stood up on our side, and it was clear that no one else on the Clinton side was speaking so Crazy Pens Lady shut down one of the people on our side mid speech  and said we were done and started counting.

But us Obama people kept talking and I think we had an amazing discussion, I feel like I haven't been able to really speak my mind about such things in such a large group in a long time... especially with people who practically live next door to me. My topic was that with all the kids in Iran being taught to hate us, I felt having a black man in the White house would be a signifigantly different face for them, especially one who's middle name is Hussein after we just killed a dictator with that name, I think it'll really give those people pause to think if their opinion is really the truth, if America isn't really on the verge of change. And then someone who was sitting below me said I'd said that beautifully and couldn't agree more, and I look down and its this African American girl. And that blew me away because when I realized just how diverse this small group was from one neighborhood, who all essentially agreed on the same thing... And I come from Rathdrum Idaho, five minutes from Hayden where the Aryan Nation used to call home, and we had to fight for years to get them out... I mean its not like I don't see or deal with black people, but to find such variety in such a close community it really hit me just how diverse we've become and yet how much we can share and come together without all this bigotry and hatred that the media expects you to have. It was just an amazing experience for me, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

But in the midst of that we actually changed someones mind into voting for Obama. So that was another wierd thing because our end count ended up being the same as our independant initial count.

And Lonna says I'm wrong, but I only counted nine Clinton supporters, and the count was 23:13 Obama. Obama won 4 delegates in our precinct and Clinton won 1. And that was just our precinct, our location was max capacity and represented four or five precincts I think. We didn't stick around for final tallies, but I just read that Obama took Washington and Nebraska. Which makes me happy.

Perhaps in a future blog post I'll explain why, but that was probably long winded enough. And now I gotta re-write FPR 6, because Crazy Pens Lady just HAS to make an appearence in that.

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