WORLD FAMOUS BLOG!

hiya y'all -

sorry i haven't blogged since i told you that we have to cut my cat's schvantz off. it's been a rough time. he has a problem in which he keeps getting blockages in his bladder, so they have to do a surgery which shortens his urethra, which is just a fancy way of saying "chop his little kitty cock off and make a new pee-hole elsewhere." it really sucks. i feel terrible about it and if you make a transvestite joke i will find you and kill you like i did the last a-hole to go there.

anywho, in other news, HI! whatup muthafuckas? aside from the whole cat-peen situation, things are pretty swell. my own penis is fully intact (well, aside from the bit the rabbi snipped off 29 years ago), and that's really what matters at the end of the day.

i was driving today in santa monica, and i saw something that got me thinking. and then it got me angry. i drove past a place called "tony's WORLD FAMOUS tacos!" the place looked like someone ate a taco stand and then pooped it out onto a corner in santa monica. i highly fucking doubt that this tony fella's tacos are renowned throughout the world. what does it take to qualify a place to make such a bold statement? does someone from each country on the globe have to try one of their tacos and proclaim that they enjoyed the fuck out of it, and then go home and spread the word to their people? is there some board that governs this? how can you make such a grandiose statement without any proof whatsoever!?!?! i'm calling bullshit, tony (if that's even your real name you shady sonofabitch!). i'm tempted to try one of tony's tacos, but the place is such a shit-hole, that i wouldn't eat there if i was on the show survivor and they built a tony's tacos on the island. and anyway -- isn't tony an italian name? why the fuck you making mexican food, tony? this whole thing is suspect as fuck.


a few minutes later, as i started to seethe with anger at the sheer chutzpah of this signage, the superlatives being tossed around so willy-nilly, i passed a place called johnny burger, which proclaimed in big red letters over a bright yellow sign to have "The WORLD'S BEST HAMBURGER!" now, listen, come the fuck on, will you please? i mean... this place made tony's tacos look like the fucking taj mahal. i realize that this isnt a perfect analogy, as i shouldve referred to a great restaurant, but fuck off, i'm judging a book by its cover. homeless people wouldn't even shit on johnny burger because it's fucking disgusting. i'm willing to bet every cent in my bank account that not only is johnny's burger NOT the best burger in the WORLD, but that it's not even the best burger on that BLOCK. i'm willing to bet that i could even cook a better burger AT johnny's than johnny. has the whole world gone mad? or is it just me?

5:25 PM - 20 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

a rough day

my cat is very sick, and apparently, according to my vet, the only cure is to cut his pecker off.



i am not kidding.

i have no further comment.

5:45 PM - 21 Comments - 38 Kudos - Add Comment

a letter to my pillows

dear my pillows (white girl, puffy puffenstein, cloudbag, and fluffalupagus),

man, you guys are fucking AWESOME! i love you so so so so so so so so so much. who invented you? einstein? nahhhh... i bet peeps from like WAY long ago were using you. well, not YOU you. silly pillows. but like, your ancestors. like maybe even cavemen were using you. they probably made you out of like, dinosaur kidneys filled with grass or animal poop. man, those cavemen aren't as dumb as they look. after dragging their women around by the hair all day and driving around in those cars where you have to use your feet to run in order to make it move, they needed a good night's sleep just as much as us modern folk. and what's better than YOU YOU YOU for a good night's sleep?! besides xanax, roofies, whisky, or lunesta? NOTHING. you know what's lame though, pillows? DECORATIVE pillows. i bet regular, awesome pillows like you HATE decorative pillows. am i right? what a bunch of uncomfortable pricks. i've never met a decorative pillow that i could happily nap on. decorative pillows are for weirdos, which i clearly am not. i used to have one of those real long body pillows that i could curl up with at night, but i had to get rid of it because my dog kept having sex with it. my dog being me. but anyway, i just felt the need to give you guys a quick shout-out and tell you how much i love you, and how much i miss you when i'm not with you. can't wait to smash my face into you later. especially you, cloudbag. yes you, ya big softy!

love,

gabe

ps - i also like that you can be used as a murder weapon.


REGULAR PILLOWS = TOTALLY AWESOME


DECORATIVE PILLOWS = WAY STUPID!



STAR WARS DECORATIVE PILLOWS = LET'S FACE IT - AWESOME!


BODY PILLOWS = SEXUAL

3:50 PM - 30 Comments - 33 Kudos - Add Comment

mutharotter

Because I am very mature, the following words make me giggle when spoken in everyday conversation:

-moist
-loads
-mound
-pianist
-damp
-nip
-goo
-cuntsucker

I also know a guy named john fagenson, another one named richard brest, a chick named samantha hore, and another chick named rachel lipshitz. I feel bad for these people. Sorry, guys, but I feel bad for you. Please don't be mad. Just change your last name so I don't have to chuckle everytime I think about you. Sorry. But I do.

But listen, if it makes you feel better, I recently found out that my last name is a swear word in some European countries. Apparently calling someone a "rotter" is akin to calling them a "fucker." when I told this irish dude my last name he started cracking up and then he goes. "no. SERIOUSLY?" So… who am I to talk? Gabe Fucker. That's who.

Don't worry, I killed that irish guy.

Nobody fucks with gabe fucker. Fuckers.

And now, a very small picture of a cake i'd be hesitant to eat:

1:53 PM - 39 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

what about blog?

some things i'm thinking about right now:

new years resolutions are for fucktards.

that's first of all.

has a new years resolution EVER EVER EVER been kept or followed through with or achieved? EVER? no. don't be stupid and don't be a liar and don't set dubious goals for 2008. there's your resolution, fucktard.

i mean, face it: you're fat. you smoke. you drink too much. sometimes you dress up like a dragon and hide in the ball pit at chuck e. cheese so you can scared the fuck out of little kids. we ALL have these issues. january 1st is not a fucking cure-all. quit if you want to quit. quit in june. quit on september 27th. stop using new years as an excuse, because, sorry, fucktard.it just doesn't work.


second of all, if you have vanity plates, fuck off. i probably hate you.

this is another thing that just boggles the mind. has there ever been a funny vanity plate? EVER? no. has there ever been a reason -- i mean a REAL reason -- to put some inane fucking message on your license plate? guess what? i don't care if you LUV DAVE or if you're driving MOMS LEX or that you have a LCNS2DRV or BLT4SPD or it's JENS BUG or MY MINI or you're a KMELEON or XOSTED. it's not cute and it's not funny and your license plate might as well say TTLDCHBG. That's my attempt at vanity-plating "total douchebag." i'm not very good at it, clearly. thank god. i saw one recently on a ferrari that said MNY2WSTE and it was the closest i've ever been to murdering a man.


it rained a bit in LA this week and all hell broke loose. STORM WATCH '08 slashed across my TV screen every time the news came on and at every commercial break. STAY WITH US FOR FULL COVERAGE OF THE MASSIVE STORMS THAT ARE ATTACKING LOS ANGELES, AND HOW YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FAMILY SAFE AND DRY.


it rained. not even for that long or that heavily, really. i could practically hear the rest of the country laughing at us. it was louder than the thunder. because there was no fucking thunder.

the news reports scared the fucking bejeezus out of me. i thought LA was going to be soaked right off the map.i thought it was going to be katrina in LA. i thought i was going to have to spend the next month living in the staples center. that didn't happen. but i did forget to put the cover on my bbq, so it got a little bit wet and may eventually rust slightly, so that was pretty scary.

it's only tuesday and i'm already having one of those weeks where i wanna smash everyone's face. can you tell?

2:24 PM - 41 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

long time no blog

hiya peeps!

sorry it's been so long. my day job has been keeping me extremely busy lately. as some of you know, i was recently made director of development for ten thirteen productions. ten thirteen is chris carter's company. chris created "the x-files." in the past few weeks, we've begun production on the next x-files movie, and so, as you can imagine, i'm so busy that my head is spinning. this is all good stuff, except for the fact that i've had little time to blog or to promote DDW. anywho, i'm not complaining, just explaining. wow, that rhymed. sweet. unintentional rhymes kick ass.

so... what's new? it's been too long! you're looking thin! did you lose some weight? no? haircut? you look fantastic! so good to see you.

yesterday i had maybe the biggest personal epiphany of my life, and i want to tell you about it. i've been working hard for the last six months or so on my next novel. it's about a doctor named hank, who through a series of strange and tragic events, ends up becoming homeless. it has its funny moments and my voice is present in the narrative, but it's different. it's much darker than DDW, much less silly and quirky and over-the-top, and this difference has always been a deep-down concern for me. and also, i think, for the people involved in my career. i.e. agents and editors. for example, when i originally pitched the idea to my agent he said "ok, sounds great... but it's funny, right?" so there is some level of concern that my sophomore effort can't be too much of a departure from my first. that said, i love the story and i love the character and i'm about 140 pages deep and i've always felt that since my voice is present in the writing, it will work.

a few days ago, a character popped into my head. a new character, unrelated to the book i'm currently writing. i couldn't get him out. he fit in perfectly with a story idea i'd had a while back. later that day i banged out about ten pages of this new character, and i knew i had something special there, and i was excited.

and then i went back to writing about hank.

but this new character was banging around in my head like a cat in a paper bag. he wanted out!

so then last night i'm at dinner with a good friend of mine, and he asks me about how my writing is going, and i off-handedly mention this new character i came up with. i hadn't discussed it with anyone yet. not even my wife. he asks me the character's name, i tell him, and a smile stretches across his face and i'm not kidding, he starts CRACKING UP. (sorry, i'm not going to give away the name yet). he says he'd buy the book based on the character's name alone! i pitch him the idea, and he loves it. he says that if he was a studio executive or a publisher, he would've bought the idea at the table, without reading a single page. he goes on to say, very carefully, that he doesn't want to overstep his bounds, but he thinks i should consider putting the story of hank on pause, and begin writing this new book immediately.

i explain to him that that's not really possible, as i'm already 140 pages into this other one, i've already pitched it to my agent, and i think that this new idea is much more ambitious than either wally or hank, and i think it would work great as my 3rd book.

he says "do you like this idea better than the hank idea?"

i say "yes, i suppose i do."

he says "do you think it's going to BE better than hank?"

i say "well, yes. i guess i kind of see hank as a bridge between wally and this other, new, bigger idea."

he says "hmm... so in essence, what you're saying is, you're writing something much different than duck duck wally for your second book, your follow-up, which needs to be a homerun. and this something - you don't love it AS much as this new idea, and THEN you're writing the new idea which you like MORE for your third book. and this new idea is much more similar to wally in terms of style. something that captures the funny idiosyncrasies and quirkiness of your first book, which your second idea DOESN'T capture. so you see hank as sort of a placeholder between wally and this new idea? doesn't it seem foolish to not put out the VERY BEST THING YOU CAN for your second book?"

and he was absolutely right. as hard as it would be to stop working on this book that i've spent the last six or more months plodding away on (i want to emphasize that i'm not discarding hank. i'm just putting it on PAUSE. i still love the character and the story, and i will definitely come back to it at some point in the near future), it's actually the right thing to do! my passion for this new project is off the charts. the epiphany that this new project make SO MUCH MORE SENSE as my second book hit me like a ton of bricks. but this would be a MAJOR change in direction. am i prepared for that?

so i rushed home and pitched it to my wife. she laughed when i said the character's name too. and she loved the idea, and agreed that it made a lot of sense as my second book, and she supported this big change in direction.

so here i am.

today, excited to start from scratch on a brand new book. and who knows, maybe as a result of that dinner with my buddy last night, my life could have changed direction. i don't know if this is a good decision or a bad one, but my gut is telling me it's the right thing to do.

i guess only time will tell.

hope you enjoyed my LEAST humorous blog ever. i just had to get this all out.

here's a picture of a really classy haircut:

9:37 AM - 24 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

sneeze louise

ACHOO!

i'm sick.

i have a cold that just won't quit! it's been like, 2 friggin' weeks.

what gives?

ACHOO! (sniffle sniffle)

my wifey suspects it may not be a cold, but allergies. i've never had allergies before. how the fuck do you DEVELOP allergies??? how can i suddenly be allergic to something that i was never allergic
to before!? it doesn't make sense, i tell you. science - congratulations, you cocksucker - you've bewildered and flummoxed me once again. and it's a scary thought, this DEVELOPING allergies thing. what if i suddenly develop an allergy to, like... tits, or computers, or christmas gifts? i'm terrified.

i literally cannot stop sneezing. maybe i'm allergic to sneezes, and it's just a vicious, terrible, endless cycle. this is simply the way my life is going to be from now on. maybe i'm allergic to noses or skin or phones or breath or working? maybe i'm allergic to being awesome? why can't i stop sneezing? the occasional sneeze can be fun. feels kinda good. but when you sneeze 40 times in a row you wanna jump out of a window! and i feel bad because i'm DEFINITELY annoying the people in my office. i don't shut the fuck up! and i've learned something about my sneezing style. i can't sneeze without saying the word "ACHOO!" i know that "achoo" is the sneezing onomatopoeia, but do people (besides me) actually make that noise when they sneeze? it's not the same thing as MOO, or DING DONG, or CUCKOO or any of the legit onomatopoeias. man, how frickin rad is the word onomatopoeia?

ACHOO! i can't stop. kill me.

i also have snot pouring out of my face like i'm a snot-propelled car and my nose is the exhaust pipe.


i've used enough tissues in the past 2 weeks to build a taj mahal out of tissues and kleenex boxes. and i've taken so much cold medicine that the idea of a tissue taj mahal actually sounds like a pretty fantastic vacation destination. i should consider buying stock in kleenex or johnson & johnson or whoever makes tissues, because i am driving sales up like a motherfucker right now. and there's no end in sight. and if i buy enough stock, i'll get rich and be able to build and then travel to the tissue taj mahal, where i can sneeze and sneeze and sneeze to my heart's content, and they'll probably make me king or something since i'll be personally responsible for building their entire palace as a result of my snotty fucking nose.

hey, maybe this will all work out ok after all.

PICTURE THIS - BUT MADE OUT OF TISSUES AND TISSUE BOXES. CAN'T? SORRY - VISIONARIES ONLY.




PS - IN CASE YOU MISSED MY BULLETIN:
dearest friends, loved ones, and random myspacers who i'm hoping will become friends and/or loved ones,

hi! next thursday at 730 pm is my final LA book signing/reading, and it would mean A WHOLE LOT to me if you could make it out to show some support. it's at village books in the pacific palisades. 1049 swarthmore avenue. if you haven't purchased my book yet - now's the time! if you have already, i thank you kindly -- maybe you could buy a signed copy for a loved one for the holidays? what a perfect stocking stuffer or thing-to-give-to-stockingless-jews to stuff wherever they want.

don't miss the book my mother is calling "the greatest book ever written." come on down if you can - i'd love to see you there.

love ya!

GR

PS - SPREAD THE WORD!


PPS - if you can't make it, but still want to buy the book, here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Duck-Wally-Novel-Gabe-Rotter/dp/1416537864/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-7361764-4182359?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1194558101&sr=8-1

3:49 PM - 28 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

poop! there it is!
Current mood: embarrassed

i know i'm not the only one who talks to their dog, but most of us probably do it when no one can hear us. last night i got busted by a stranger.

rewind a sec -

i don't know if this is phraseology that comes from the east coast, or just the town where i'm from, or just my family, but when we were little kids (my sisters and i) and we had to go to the bathroom, we said "i have to make." that, or "i have to make a doody," or "make a sissy," or "i made in my pants," which i still say sometimes.

anyway, as you may or may not know from reading this blog, i inherited my dog from my parents. for whatever reason, when they were training her, they decided to use "GO MAKE" as the command to say to her when they wanted her to go to the bathroom. she knows this phrase well, and she obeys it well. go make.

cut to last night:

i'm walking my pooch. i'm about to leave for dinner, and she's gonna be home for a few hours by herself, so i really want her to go. i want her too pee. i want her to poop. i want it all.

so it's dark, we're walking, i take her to the little patch of dirt where she usually takes care of business. i tell her "chyna -- go make."

side note: please don't make fun of the name "chyna." i told you, i inherited her. (see THIS BLOG for more info). she's a strange animal. below is a picture of her trying to sleep in the cat's bed.

10:27 AM - 37 Comments - 42 Kudos - Add Comment

your body is a wonderland

PLEASE COME UP WITH A CAPTION FOR THE FOLLOWING PHOTO:

2:54 PM - 45 Comments - 54 Kudos - Add Comment

Penis enlargement was never so easy before!
Current mood: enthralled

dear angie k. trent,

i don't know who you are, but man, you are one crafty bitch. you managed to circumvent my junk mail filter with your clever little tactics. and boy, am i glad you did. you may have changed my life, ms. trent. your email, just as i received it, is below:
-------------------------------------------
FROM: angie k. trent
SUBJECT: Penis enlargement was never so easy before!

runner of the lair.women.
suspicious he said at a news conference. for flowers to pollinate, and then never return home.


Have they ever told you this, "Damn it! Your penis is so small!"?
Didn't you feel like a loser?
Don't let women choose sexual toys but not you! Megadik will bring you to your sexual dreams! You just have to trust this wonderful preparation!
"Oh! Your penis is unique!" Is it what you just love to hear?
Soon you'll be the only one women will desire ! Megadik is your magic weapon!

Here is the wished link


Fossilized remains of "burrowing" dinosaur found in

------------------------------------------------------

angie k. trent - it's like you have a direct line right to my heart, accessible only through electronic mail. your poetic style renders me putty in your able hands. how the heck could you possibly know that my very favorite thing to hear is "oh! your penis is unique!" i've always thought of my penis as a snowflake; different and special and white and fun to try to catch on your tongue. angie k. trent, you are a sage, a philospher, but more than that, you are a saleswoman of epic magnitudes. the world has never seen such a savvy peddler of goods. your low-pressure pitch was like perfumey liitle flowers falling from tree branches right into my soul. i knew from the very moment that you said "runner of the lair. women. suspicious he said at a news conference. for flowers to pollinate, and then never return home." that MEGADIK would be a part of my life from that point forth. my "magic weapon!" bring me to my sexual dreams, ms. trent, as you promised me. i will surely trust this wonderful preparation.

but why, angie, after slaying me with salesmanship, did you have to leave me in suspense, quivering with anticipation, wondering WHERE? OH WHERE were the fossilized remains of "burrowing" dinosaur found??????

please, angie, if you are reading this, write me again. i will be waiting with bated breath and mega dik.

sincerely,

gabe

1:34 PM - 21 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment