The DICKS of Hazard

I've been thinking about the word dyke. a direct result of my experience with Last Comic Standing I'm sure.

The more I think about the fear of the word. The direct opposition to it. the more i'm troubled . People laugh at the name, always. first and foremost, they laugh, followed by, a weird sort of, "can I say that?"  reaction.  I suppose that's good, in the grand scheme  of  what society feels our political conscience should be...that word CAN have violent implications...invokes HATE...etc etc.etc..

But why can't WE say it?

 turn on your tv and tell me you don't hear Shit, Damn, Bitch, Ass, Sodomy (a word, when used to its fullest extent, in action, is still, in the real world, Illegal in some states) not too mention the use of other derogatory terms used by those it was meant to offend. A muslim comic saying "towelhead" or the rather ridiculous "sand_____" A black comic saying the N word, repeatedly ( And ironically, possibly making gay jokes, though not a homo themselves, without reprecussion) Differently abled folks saying "retard?"

But a dykes can't say dyke. not on tv.

The TV folks, all very nice folks, said " you should button your shirt, because we'll have to blur it out" And then we opened our mouths and said the name, and immediately stopped an realized we were going to be bleeped by NBC.

At this point I figured, I might as well show the shirt so I made it obvios again

The nice fella said  somehting along the lines of, "you don't want to be blurred AND bleeped do you?

YES!! that's exactly what I want, to be blurred and bleeped!! Just a quick shot of Julia and I in The funny Booth, Blurs over our chest and introducing ourselves, in stereo, as the BLEEP of Hazard Comedy Tour!!!

We could say what are people gonna think, we're the Fucks of hazard? The Dicks of Hazard?

No, because you can say Dicks of Hazard on TV.

7:34 AM - 7 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

My, how things change. (aka F*ck You Jen L., of Buffalo, NY)

any of you  may recall that DOH had a health scare a few months back, with one of our own, Slim Bloodworth. On Sept 25th I posted a blog  ( you can still read it, it's called Slimmy) about the severity of the situation, how Slim had actually died on the table and that we were actively asking for help to get Alex (slim's girlfriend) to Ottawa, in order to drive Slimmy and her car back to Texas.

Then, a miracle! A friend of a friend said, "Gosh guys, I've had medical expenses before, and I just got a decent settlement,  let me help!"

NOW, let me say that I have never met this person, but my faith in humankind was restored. One person could spare $250 dollars, and another would be immeasurably helped by gaining $250. FANTASTIC!

And even better, DOH offered to make payment arrangements and were told  not to worry about it. (personally, i think money is a funny thing but with open dialogue, and communication,as long as everyone does what they say, or at least TALKS about things, it can be handled among adults, like adults)

Again, we were amazed and humbled, many thanks were dolled out, Slim and Alex wrote a very nice thank you card, sent it to the friend who connected us, and life was grand. NEVER Again was the money mentioned, and when our friend said hey Jen, when do you want this back, Jen L smirked, as if to say        "I'm big pimpin' now thats chump change", so there was NEVER a discussion of payment

until YESTERDAY.

Our gracious donor, decided to show up at our friends JOB  ( now granted I know that she works at a casino, but that doesn't mean you get to show up and start yelling) and demanded money!

at this point it should be said that DOH has been third party to all of this, it is the lesbo world, after all, and its been a lot of  " I know someone who knows someone" So anything I'm typing has been told to me, but lucky for us, yesterday was all witnessed by a DOH gal!

yup, Walked into her Job, and was very much trying to be an aggressive dominant top, I guess, with " Give me my money back, and You WILL call me and deal with this and screw you, blah blah blah"

What Jen L (yup, if you're in Buffalo, and you know her, then pay attention to this part) didn't realize is that she walked into someone PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT and began Belittling her at her job, in front of her boss!!

(oh, and it's all on camera you idiot, it's a casino)

(cause for legal recourse, or more importantly, as you all know how I feel about blogs, it's cause for an ass beating)

 so much so, that the boss, and friend of  the gal being belittled, TOOK OUT CASH TO PAY JEN L, just so she would stop harrassing our dear friend who set this all up to begin with.

So, I have decided to write a blog about it, and I know I bitch about using the internet to bitch about problems, but I really just need to put it out there, because I feel like people who think they can do something under the guise of "helping" only to turn around 5 months later on some sort of power trip over $250 dollars needs to be reminded that she's not alone, that people pay attention to that kind of behavior, that a simple phone call that said, "hey guys, times are tough, any chance you have some of that money, even though I know I said don't worry about it" would have done it, but no Jen L, you thought that you had a right to walk into someones JOB and belittle them, because you're such a frickin' angel and had donated some cash. FUCK YOU

I realize you have an advantage, because I have no idea who you are, and It's not hard to find me, but  trust me lady, I plan on telling this story to everyone who will listen because you're the kind of special scumbag I like to save my passive aggresiveness for, unfortunately I don't know you well enough to make character attacks like " what happened, gamble your life away ?(she WAS at the casino) or, what did ya do, put all that money up your nose?"

BUT I do know the girl you came after, and you should thank god she doesn't want her name dragged into this, she's been humiliated enough, but if she did, I'm pretty sure this entire  lesbo town would tell you to fuck off, cause she's just one of those folks everyone loves.

So Jen L. Thanks for nothing, thanks for turning into a 5 year old incapable of picking up a phone and having a conversation, thanks for publicly displaying what a waste of breath you are and most importantly thanks for doing it in front of someone who won't just sit there and take it.

someone get the whiskey.

6:08 AM - 18 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Slimmy

To all...
Dykes of Hazard comedy tour recently had a major scare, which has led me to write to you all and let you know whats going on, as well as to ask for your help.

Last week, headlining comedian  and dear friend of ours Slim Bloodworth was admitted to the hospital in Ottowa. Slim had been feeling ill after our last tour, and had stayed in Buffalo with us for a few days in an effort to recooperate. This was last Monday. By Thursday, Slim seemed to be feeling better and headed to Ottowa to play some shows. Having cancelled shows  on the previous days, she was anxious to get onstage.
Slim got to Ottowa and as in so much pain the good folks at Absolute comedy got her to the hospital and took great care of her. Thanks to the folks in Ottowa!!
While in the hopital,Slim was diagnosed with Gall stones, which are ridiculously painful, for those of you who don't know. WHile being treated for the stones, Slimmy had a seizure, which led to Slim going into cardiac arrest. She pulled through, and made it back to us.
So, slimmy died for a minute or so. Scary shit, right?
There are a load of tests yet to be done to explain why a 34 year old in decent health would have a heart attack. 
here's where you come in.
Slim is in Ottowa with her car. Her home as well as her girlfriend is in Houston.  We need to get Alex (the gf) to Buffalo, and she will be driving slimmy back to houston where a cardiologist will be waiting to fix her up.

all of these things are going to cost dollars.  And as most performers know, insurance is almost non exsistent in the touring artist world.
There are multiple benefits being planned, and DOH comics will make it to as many as possible to donate their time to the cause. If anyone has ideas for fundraisers or anything of the sort please let us know. Pass this on to your friends. ANY help is appreciated, and for those of you who know Slim, you know that she is one of the kindest,  most giving people we know, and the first to pitch in to help others.

your thoughts, your good energy, your prayers, whatever you believe in, please take a minute and throw some positive love into the air with Slimmy's name on it.

thanks
becker and DOH comedy

9:09 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Vagina Le Ruex blog days 1-4
Current mood: excited

Day 1
    Ohio is the longest state i have ever drivin thru. I kept thinking this has to end i can at least make it to Kentucky.... yea right. Kristen and I switched drivers and  made it to Kentucky where the rain came in buckets and the storm seemed to fall on our car. We pulled over in a small town south Kentucky called Cave city... or as i like to say a setting for a horror film. We found a motel that faced a mountain called "Guntown Mountain". If you have never been south or are as I am a little afraid of it, believe me it will be enough to make you pee a little. We ate and went to a local gas station, Linda and I figured since we wont have anything else to do lets get beer! Ummmmm has anyone been to a dry county???? Or can anyone tell me who makes these rules? Cause that is fucked up America.
Day 2
    Rain in Mississippi SUCKS! And they have Dollar General Markets... where you can buy food. We got some sandwiches.... Dont trust the tuna there guys... seriously. Today i learn a bunch of new things... Hot pickles, boiled peanuts and gizzards "Becker whats a gizzard?". She tells me what it is and i did not try it! No yummy insides for me guys. Finally to New Orleans.... Fuckin awesome yes!
Day 3
    Walked around and saw New Orleans. We went to dinner at the same club we were going to see the drag kings at. Tacos and great things! Guys, I have never felt like a rock star before and i got a free meal cause apparently right now i am one. Who knew? It fuckin rocked so hard I had to call everyone I knew and tell them. That night went to the same bar to see a Drag King show. I love Drag Kings. And of course I am up there tipping everyone of them a dollar.... hand, mouth and on the floor. And thanks to Tequila the rest of it is a blur...
Day 4
     I met Slim today. She named me barb. First show of the tour hell yeah! The House of Blues is amazing! The stage is great we get free food and I am feeling a bit nervous... there are a lot of people here. I go up, I am performing Ani.. nervous, excited and I have to pee and a minute before I am done performing my pastie falls off. One hundred and fourty six people just saw my left tit which then followed a screaming roar. In mid air I catch it, make a funny face and try my best to stick it back on... Haha my first big  show and I am already getting nude.. What things am i faced with in following shows? I will post more I promise.....

11:04 AM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Stories From A Broad – Ellis’s DOH Adventures Part 1
Current mood: energetic

Stories From A Broad – Elllis's DOH Adventures

Aug 28th

So I made it through the border. Awesome. First time I ever took the bus across. Finally got to buffalo an hour late to learn I didn't make it in time for a spot on Becker's show as it had ended 30 min earlier.  Two bar hops later we decide to take of for Becker's place.

Shortly after arriving an impromptu farewell party happened which almost ended in a late night pool party (backyard – not communal). But my better judgement and the threat of Becker's wrath upon missing our departure deadline kicked in and I realized getting horizontal on a couch was my best option.

Wednesday we hit the road at 10am –and so the tour began. Thanks to April and Becker we had a cooler full of sandwiches and fruit.  The first 10 hours on the road went really smooth although, we had our share of distractions. I mean, come on …Big Bone Lick State Park  would have been an interesting place for the DOH to have a picnic don't you think? I was also impressed with the corn dogs available at every gas station I usually can only find them at the EX. And last but not least we were driving in a thunder and lightning storm. YIKES.  The lightning was striking all around us and I don't mind stating I was freaking the fuck out. We all agreed it was time to pull over we would say hi to Nashville in the morning when we drove through. In the mean time we grabbed a motel in Cave City, Tennessee

Ah Cave City the secrets that you hold…that I'm terrified to unveil. After freshening up. We went to grab a bite to eat. We were intrigued by Jerry's Restaurant, which boasted BBQ NOW SERVED INSIDE…alas it was closed. One more mystery remained unsolved.  Wendy's it was. After a somewhat healthy fast food dinner involving salads and baked potatoes, Kelly and I went on an adventure to get coffee. We headed to the nearest gas station. We decided maybe coffee was a bad choice as we had to get up early so we figured maybe we should grab some beer (yeah I never said our logic was sound). So Kelly asked the Clerks if they sold beer to which they responded "no ma'am this is a dry county". To which Kelly responded "WHAT?"  It's a dry county the lady repeated, you can't buy booze in this town. We were shocked. Kelly kept saying sorry apologizing profusely thinking we had offended the gas clerks in Cave City.

I was sorry also. Sorry for those poor people who couldn't buy booze in their own town and sorrier yet for us cause it looks like we weren't picking up bud light for the night (ugh my conflicted feelings towards bud light but that's a story for another blog). We asked the clerks if they drink and the said "oh yes you just can't buy it here." Hmmm am I the only one confused by this? Apparently you have to drive 30 minutes outside of town to buy it and bring it home (you can drink there you just can't buy it there?- sounds like a ploy by the gas stations to make more dough  if you ask me). For a town that seemed lets say… conservative, these clerks looked like partiers and both were sporting tongue piercings. I grabbed a coffee and we giggled our way back to hotel room. I could not help but think it seemed like a perfect set up for a horror movie…thunder and lightening storm forcing us to pull into this tiny DRY county  Cave City where everyone has piercings…

P.S.  Sorry for spilling my entire coffee in your sandal Kelly.

2:55 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dykes and Fights

OK, I've noticed a recent trend in MOST lesbo bars I've been to, Dyke on Dyke fighting.  I don't mean the fraudulent  "DTO gangs" reported by fox news, but REAl lesbo anger for no logical reason.

WTF? I don't get it. I appreciate the drama, I do, but what's the need for all the anger?

NOW, don't get me wrong, I know I tend to get  a lil' lippy on occasion, this I know, but 9 times out of  10, my brutal smackdown comes verbally, not with fists of fury. And I also know that, when placed with decent comedic timing, a joke can diffuse a situation. Sometimes, it doesn't go so well, but it's usually better then throwing a punch and yellin'.

Last weekend we were traveling and we did a show.  Afterwards, I was sitting outside having a smoke,with my ladyfriend, when the bar door flew open and a dyke decided that the whole fucking outside world needed to hear her fucking dyke drama.

I hate it when self righteous, self important baby dykes feel the need to air their dirty laundry for the whole world to see, in order to get attention they can't seem to generate with their awesome personalities. So, as this girl was publically berating her "friends" (and yes, she wasn't talking to me, and many will say that I should mind my own business, BUT how long do we al have to sit and listen to your desparate cry for attention?) I made a lighthearted comment "HEY Black Shirt, You're Really MAD, huh?"

Well, that was enough for her to redirect her anger and start making her way towards me. NOW, here's where you can decide if this was the right move... I stood Up, that's all, stood up, mainly because I was sitting on a curb, and if she WAS going to try to fight me, and I mean TRY (I'll explain in a minute what a sorry attempt it was) I thought I had best not be at foot level 'cause it was gonna get my face...

I stand Up, my lovely girlfriend tries to diffuse it, and then Blackshirt (her new name) can't let it go and attampts to either push or take a swing at me, I couldn't really decipher what it really was, and in all her effort and all her fucking toughness and all her self righteous need to hate everyone around her because she wasn't gettin enough hugs at home...she fell. That's right, she missed and fell on her fucking ass...This Amazing display of toughness, led me to snicker a bit, and I honestly thought that was enough embarassment for the girl.

NOPE, now she has to reach out on her way down and grab my hair.

WHO the fuck pulls hair? WHO ? How fucking tough does that make you look? really? Pulling hair? It's so disgraceful, that even her local buddies turned around and were like, "are you fucking kidding me, you're pulling hair?"

and then she just held onto it, and my face is close to her, and I'm saying to her, "c'mon, what are you going to do right now? Cause yourealize I have your arm with one, my left hand, and my Right hand is free to do whatever the fuck i want, let it go"

she didn't. BUT I don't hit people. end of story, so I waited patiently for someone to get her to let go and then she left, and I laughed ALOT, we all did actually.  I think it's interesting that this girl didn't see the show, but immediately started the "what you think you're funny, you fucking comic, you think you're so fuckin' important, fuckin comic"   I'm sure there was a reference to my ghetto booty as well, and maybe even a blond joke..she was a smart one!

REALLY, that's the best you got, you waste of fucking space?

so, let me say this, for the record: I  will more often then not, jump into a fight to break it up, because i'm a big kid, and when you grow up a big kid, you realize that you're good at breaking things up, and most of the time, You're stronger then most of the fighters.

Does anyone know why there is so much fighting, why we must now divide ourselves? For all the younger girls , dykes coming up, I know the world is tough, but you know what? you got it pretty fucking easy compared to the dykes that came before you, so the next time you're all coked up, or just plain mad because the world is tough, why don't you try to redirect that anger against the folks that actively try to prevent your happiness. Write a letter to your senator, change some laws, do something other than create more drama, more reasons for haters to justify their anger towards the gay population at a whole..

And remember that the 40 year old woman that you're too cool to acknowledge because her hair isn't "cool", probably lost a job, a family or her personal safety, because it wasn't always ok to go to a gay bar, and she knows that fighting amongst lesbos was saved for REAL important times, because they were too busy trying to fight the real fight, those who would kill them for loving, so they stuck together.

and Black shirt, if you're reading this. we should have a beer. and if you're still mad,  I hope you realize that sometmies, we all lose our cool.  But a beer and a chat feels much better than a handful of hair...

peace,

Becker

1:09 PM - 8 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

come on, you can do it!!

DOH comedy is proud to announce the newest addition to the tour.

 THE DANCIN ' GIRL!!

Many of you know of Becker's years as a Burlesque emcee, so we all knew it was just  matter of time before the art of Burlesque made it into the tour!!

But now, we have a dilemma, you see, even we know that we can't just go around calling a lafdy a dancin' girl, with no real name...sooooo...

Welcome to.....(drumroll please)

NAME THAT DANCIN GIRL!!

check out our newest  friend.....our number one friend, Kaleidoscope Kelly!!

Then let us know what witty alliterations, or rhyming styles you have and

NAME THAT DANCIN' GIRL!!!

the winning name gets a prize!!!!

7:05 AM - 14 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Sinple,honest=better?

Dykes of Hazard Comedy took home a trophy in Buffalo Pride this year!!!

Placing third with their "walking contingent" in the pride parade!

All based on nothing but stereotypes...

A u-haul truck and some loveseick lesbos..

pics coming soon!!

thanks

3:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

on the bright side

jerry falwell is dead..it's a shame there wasn't alot of suffering, but what can you do?

7:17 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

2 years later...ain't that a shame
Current mood: determined
Category: Travel and Places

I've spent alot of time in a car as of late, driving. The thing about driving time, is that it is also thinking time.  DOH has logged in excess of 10,000 miles in the last 8 months. Each and every time I've made a point to stop in New Orleans. It was my home, and a part of me still remains there (part of my liver, for sure), a more disciplined me would probably of remained there. 

Every time I return, it's made a little more progress, But it is unacceptable.

I ask all of you to take a look at the photos on this page, some are great, what you should go celebrate..the others are what you should KNOW . realize that this is 2YEARS after the storm. 24 MONTHS.  where do they begin? Probably with some federal help...unfortunately, we are too busy bombing folks to take care of our own.

WHO ARE WE? As a government? As a people? Why is this ok? Sure I get that the naivete of the American public allows for horrible genocides in other parts of the world, parts that we don't see, that will NEVER affect our daily lives..but RIGHT HERE?

Nola officials do what they can, they prettied up all the touristy areas so all the rich white folks will come and spend their money, they have to do that, the tourist money is vital to the people and the city government.

I ask you to look at these photos, and ACT. Go visit, spend some money, get drunk on Bourbon Street, or uptown or wherever.take a day, drive around the lower 9th, or chalmette, or anywhere really.

Do you know what 90,000 sq miles of damage looks like? Do you know what it feels like to drive for an hour in any direction and still see destruction? Do you know how hard it is to be "Proud to be an American" once you do?

go see for yourself, it's a cheap flight from most places, and the spirit of the city is alive with the locals, drink in their culture and ability to laugh at themselves and their situation.  tshirts that read "i drove my chevy to the levee, but the levee was gone" and many other similarly sarcastic phrases are everywhere. the strength and fortitude of those that live there should be admired by all. And maybe just maybe the rest of us will stop whining about the little things that don't matter.

Bring your kids. Show them the kids living in trailers in parking lots, maybe there will be less youngsters bitching about their ipods and cell phones, when they get a dose of reality, a reality that is being lived by people who look JUST LIKE THEM. AMERICANS. it's not a race thing anymore. it's a people thing.

Is this the freedom our soldiers are fighting for? the freedom to live in a 10x10 trailer until the government decides to "reclaim" your old property for half of the mortgage you still own on it, whilst jacking off every flood insurance provider on the gulf coast? 

If nothing else, pick up a phone. make a call. let your local politician know that you ARE Proud to be an American, but you know that you can not really be proud until you know that the American people are being taken care of, that you bought into the notion of America being the greatest place on earth, that the idea of Land of the free, does in fact, mean something, and that freedom has nothing to do with oil, or terrorists, but more to do with a place to lay your head and call home.

Don't forget.WE MUST CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT IT!

thanks

becker

5:52 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment