Pay attention.
Current mood: Affrighted.

Listen up, ladies and gents...

If someone tells you to just ignore the ghost as it comes weeping out of the lobby and seemingly towards you, do it.  Heed that advice regardless of who confided it to you.  Staring at the thing doesn't make it go away any faster and, more often than not, she will rush upon you where you stand gaping at her and start to scream.  Not fun.

Also:  Following a tower, a beacon of light flashing from the top, does not always lead you to HappyFunFunLand.  More likely, it's a tree demon that awaits you.

But, hey.  You made a choice.  You deal with the consequences.

4:17 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Art and dreams.
Current mood: It's all the same.

So a good friend of mine tells me that she read that Smokey Robinson told Kelly Clarkson not to fire her management and make music on her own.  Seems ol' Smokey thinks that she won't sell as much if she attempts a little personal creativity. 

I want to vomit. 

Took me a while to fall asleep last night.  I swear I could feel the blood pulsing through the arch of my left foot.  Well, not pulsing exactly, but more of a squishy-oozy sloshing feel.  Sorta like how I'd imagine it'd be if I was filled with the crap that's inside water weenies.  Yeah.  So that goes on for about a bajillion years.

Dreamed my whole life was a sham.  Not saying that it's not (because whose life isn't??) but it was like a Truman Show sham.  Minus cameras.  It was just a bunch of people-actors run by a guy who looked like the neighbor dad on Honey, I Shrunk the Kids sorta kinda keeping tabs on me while my life played out in a gigantic warehouse/grocery store.  This coulda been bad, I suppose, if not for one of the people-actor-puppies letting me in on the whole thing.  Then it just became horrible. 

When I was made aware that everything was fake, I followed the neighbor-dad-leader-guy into (I guess) some sort of box storage room place.  ...There were boxes, yes.  Go figger.  Anyways, in this room I cornered the dude and proceeded to smash his face in with (again, I can't be sure but it's what it seemed like) a brick-on-a-stick.  Seriously.  I could see and feel his skull dent.  Oog.  With his last bit of strength, the guy reaches out and opens a curtain to the outside world.  The real world.  Aaaaand...it's full of guys with guns.  Big guns.  Storming the castle (warehouse.)  Suddenly, the actor-new friend-revealer appears next to me, screaming, and shoots the neighbor-dad in the face.  More oog.  Then he leads me up several flights of stairs (I imagine towards supposed freedom, but eh) until our path is blocked by the dudes with the guns.  So, back down.  Der, the bottom's blocked, too.  They shoot at us, oh yes.  My comrade gets ripped apart.  I only catch a bullet in the wrist, but it's enough to sorta knock my left hand off kind of.  --Imagine someone cut off your hand with a circular saw but it's not all the way off but it is.  You can't move it, or even feel it, but your wrist kind of goes click-click when you try.  No blood, blue tendons, yellow muscle, white bone, that sort of thing.  It's like that.--  Well.  The guys stop shooting because I ask/beg them too.  Okaaaay.  They tell me they'll fix my wound if I stop trying to escape and leave things as they are.  My, my.  Dilemma.  I mean, I don't want to be a sort of slave-entertainment toy, but I do play bass.  I like my left hand. 

...So I agree.  They fix it.  --Imagine the circle cut is still there and your hand is glued to your wrist and the glue is yellow-clear and it's running out the edge.  But it tastes like honey, so that's cool, even though you still can't really move your hand, just a few fingers, but at least no more click-click.  Like that.--  I stay.  I walk around the warehouse/grocery store place (mostly in the frozen foods section) and everyone avoids me.  No eye contact, no nods, no nuthin'. 

Then I wake up.

...Go to work, blee-blah.

"I think you might have written your lines in jest, in satire, and that I missed the point."

Currently reading : Bloodsucking Fiends By Christopher Moore Release date: 25 May, 2004

11:12 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Bl-bloggin.'
Current mood: Sssexy.

Oh, sweet God, I'm blogging again. It's been a while.

I had a lot to say...

Had.

I've forgotten, however.

Love you all, anyway.

Currently listening : Ta-Dah By Scissor Sisters Release date: 26 September, 2006

8:21 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Utopia.
Current mood: Frankticiuolicious.

Ga-ga

Fuuuuuuuuck that!  Seriously.  People?? 

What a bad idea!

Currently listening : Lifes Rich Pageant By R.E.M. Release date: 27 January, 1998

1:55 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Baby nostalgia, baby.
Current mood: Spellbound.

Four years ago, almost to the exact minute, I was watching my daughter get ejected from the proverbial "cockpit."  Weird.

Fast forward to today, and I got a kid who lectures me on the fine art of building legless ducks out of Duplo Legos.  Double weird.

That is all.

11:30 AM - 3 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Tagged. Like a sweet, sweet calf.
Current mood: JEEEEEEEEE-sus! (esque)

Weird facts!

Okay, I've been tagged.  Now I do six weird, random, incriminating facts about myself and tag six others.  Righty-o!

Fact #1:  I'm not liking this very much.

Fact #2:  Nope, I'm not.

Fact #3:  I'm going to start lying now.

Lie #1:  This is neat-o!

Fact #4:  I'm at work, this is no fun, everyone knows just about everything about me already as I tend to do my little no-nos and hoo-hahs and brakabrakabangs in public, and the things no one does know about me I intend to keep that way.

Fact #5:  Holy crap, am I mean-spirited today.  And I am sorry.

Fact #6:  Ka-POW!

I will now tag you. 

...Who wants to drink tonight?  'Cuz I'm gonna need it, and I don't wanna just be mean by myself.  Someone's gotta be there to take the brunt of my anger, or, better yet, tell me to go fuck myself and then make me laugh so's I can get back to just being cynical.  Thank you for your time.  ...That you'll never get back.

"I'll just have the...uh, the Colonel's Super Fun Pack please."

Currently listening : Retaliation By Dane Cook Release date: 26 July, 2005

1:36 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm gonna get rain in my green beer, huh?
Current mood: Non-menstrual.

Hello and welcome to my party room!  I call it my party room because there's no other way to describe a filthy office with hip-hop on the radio and Judge Judy on the teevee.  Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo *cough* oooooooooooooooooo!

I need guests!  I paint whiteout smiley faces on the walkie talkies and when housekeeping calls I say, "¡Hola!  ¿Usted tiene gusto de venir a mi sitio del partido?  ¡Traiga la cerveza!"  To which they reply, "No, tengo que traer las toallas al sitio 1118.  Y estoy diciendo a director general."

Hmmmm...no guests, and I might get fired.  ...Welcome to my party alley!

Fuuuuuuck yeah!

2:11 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

What's goin' on? (What's goin' on?)
Current mood: i-haffapee.

So, okay, this is different.

Instead of doing this at work, as per usual, I'm typing away at Anthony's. Anthony has a Mac. This browser won't let me create this thing like I normally do, so...well. You get it. No bolding of words, no colors, etc. C'est la vie, yo.

Okey-hokey-pokey. What's been happening...

1. I wrecked my car. A rental. So, yeah, I guess it wasn't mine to wreck, but it happened regardless. The gods frowned upon me on Super Bowl Sunday, and...smashola. No more vehicle with which to transport myself. Sucks this town has no public transportation, though I've voted for it before. Goddamn rich white folk...always keepin' a brother down. The good thing about that night is that I got to get in a fight with the Hispanic fella I hit, thus easing some nerves I'd been building up, although I did get a mighty-mighty swollen lip out of the ordeal. Plus, I'm being sued. Meh. The insurance company'll hold that fucker off for a while. ...I hope. And, even if it gets to court, he assaulted me. Let's not forget that little gem. While I'm on the subject, I'd like to thank, from the bottom of my festering black heart, everyone who has been kind enough to give me a ride when I have needed one. Muchas muchas.

2. Arm Vs. Window. Yes, that happened. I highly recommend against such action, as it does lead to lacerations on said arm. One, in particular, that kinda looks like a little blood-and-pus-filled eye. If, however, you feel that this is one life experience you just can't live without, may I suggest a nice single-paned window? Apparently, they're much more fragile, though you will most likely find yourself with a rather large mess to clean up, as they tend to shatter into a million little glass shards as opposed to just cracking and falling apart in big chunks as double-paned often does. But they are less expensive to replace. Anyone needing assistance with glass replacement, you know how to reach me.

3. Madonna's daughter asking her if she's gay. Why is this news?? Bitch does a book filled with pornographic images of herself, kisses Britney Spears onstage, and she's surprised?! No, Lourdes, mommy isn't gay. Mommy's a slutbag sexual deviant with too much money. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. I just want a little honesty from these people, that's all.

4. Rumsfeld says there's no civil war in Iraq. Well, that's a goddamned shame, lemme tell you. If democracy is to take root and flourish, there had jolly well better be a civil war going on in that country at some point. History, people, history.

5. I've been working on a show this week for the good folk from FEMA. The fuck are they doing in Dallas? So far as I can tell, all of us have roofs. 'Cept for the people up in Paris, TX, thanks to that lovely storm Wednesday night. But so what? Send 'em a couple boards and some nails and get your asses back to N'Awlins! ...Shake those bastards from my hair like lice.

6. It's Spring Break now for all you college students in the area, and I don't care. Sorry.

7. My daughter said she was gonna marry me when she grew up. I asked her what mommy was gonna do, and she said that mommy could marry grandpa. I asked her what grandma was gonna do, and she said that grandma could marry my brother. I asked her what my brother's fiance was gonna do, and she said that my brother's fiance could marry grandpa, too. I informed my daughter that we were not some goddamn Mormons and that two people married to one person was not right, and so she inquired as to whether Tinkerbell could turn my sister into a man. ..............Kids: Retarded, or just Small n' Stupid?

8. I hear a friend of mine lost his dog today. Sad. On an entirely unrelated note, I ate what was probably the best Korean food I've ever had today.

Out.

"Here I stand, in the hallway. Had to shit, but only hallway."

Currently listening : Showbiz By Muse Release date: 28 September, 1999

5:10 PM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

P-Day 2006.
Current mood: Cocky.

Get (it) up, stand up...

There's been a lot of talk (at least in this little circle) lately about the upcoming Vagina Monologues gig.  Frankly, I find it all just a tad bit disturbing and disconcerting.  I mean, isn't the show a little sexist?  At the risk of sounding sexist myself, I thought women hated sexism.  Why should the ladies have all the fun discussing a body part that crosses mens' minds every 1.2 seconds or so?  I know, I know--  "But Joe, that's the point!  Women are finally being encouraged to really think about their vaginas and explore the issue!"  Well, we men would also like our opportunity to "explore" the "issue" some more, too.  But whatever.  You ladies have had your chance to include us in your little slot show, and you blew it!

Fellas, it's time to do some self-examining ourseleves.  We need to think about our own genitalia for a change.  I mean, really think about it.  But, us being men and all, that seems to be a problem, doesn't it?  I don't think the Penis Monologues would translate to the stage very well:

CARL:  Boy, oh boy.  Sometimes my balls really itch.  ...Yep.  And then, sometimes, they get all sweaty and I have to adjust 'em.  ...Even in church.  ............I'm hungry.  ..................Oooo...that chick's hot!  I wonder what her vagina's like?

So no.  That idea's out.  Maybe the problem isn't the male thing, but the whole idea of the monologue.  Perhaps it would be more fitting if we got a group of guys on stage drinking beer, hanging out, and just talking about their junk.  The Cock-and-Balls Dialogues:

CARL:  Dude, sometimes my balls really itch.

BOB:  Yeah, mine too.

CARL:  And sometimes, they get all sweaty and I've gotta adjust 'em.

BOB:  Dude, I know!  ...That really sucks in church.

SAM:  You guys are gay.  Let's go eat.

Okay, okay.  So that's a bad idea, too.  I guess we can't be trusted to talk about our penii of our own accord.  Maybe we'll have to be a little more warm-hearted than you feminist freaks and let some of you women help us out.  You know, since you're so "in touch" with your feelings and all.  We'll call it...Discussions on Dick with Jane.  And Dick:

DICK:  My love rod is throbbing for your hot pocket.

JANE:  Um, I'm calling the cops.

...*sigh*...

Gentlemen, we just can't win.  I suppose it's back to my original appeal to have you wonderful ladies include us in your vaginas.  Come on, let us in.

...Why do I see a shit storm on the horizon?

"And here, around the corner, fudge is made."

Currently listening : Let Them Eat Pussy By Nashville Pussy Release date: 01 September, 1998

12:54 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Now is the winter of my discontent.
Current mood: I'm not listening!!

"...but how would it work at the gym?"

So a lot of people have iPods, yo.

I keep thinking that maybe I ought to get one too, even though technically that makes me a sinner because I'm coveting my neighbor's goods (but isn't that what keeps the economy moving...?  Thanks, Moses.). 

But really.  That's not what's keeping me from getting one.  What's stopping me from indulging in a little techno-mancing is the fact that Apple seems to be a bigger whore than even those morons from PETA who would rather see a partial-birth abortion than a side of bacon.  Seriously.  I'm so afraid that as soon as I buy a brand new iPod Super Tiny Shuffler, there will be a better version on the shelves before I even get to my car.

So I'm waiting.  I suppose I just might give in when Apple releases the iPod Suppository.  I'll just insert it rectally and the music will reverberate off of my bones, allowing only me to "hear" it while also giving me a full-body massage!  Maybe it'll even play videos through my optic nerves and come equipped with a rocket booster so's I can fly around listening to my crap with a flame shooting out of my ass!  Ah, sweet ecstasy.

Yeah, I'll hold out for that one.  But the rest of you hipsters enjoy yours for now.  We'll see who laughs last.

"MTV, please pimp my status as a political refugee."

Currently listening : Frances the Mute By The Mars Volta Release date: 01 March, 2005

8:03 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment