11:58 PM - The Patterns I Wish to Shed
Current mood: disappointed

I can’t seem to get my mother out of my mind and the effect she has had in my relating to people. I let it go and it comes back to hit me in the face over and over of how others act out what it is I try to avoid from her. I have tried to cut ties with her on several occasions because of the words, actions and judgments placed upon me but I am just reminded of them by the people I come across. Especially the ones I get closer to in any manner.

I grew up with a mother who was always suspect of me being something more sinister than who I really was whether it be emotionally or within my actions. These constant accusations had made me for a time very defensive about defending my self perception to many who had challenged it. This part, at least, I have learn to let go for the most part but does come back in some intense forms now like my having my custody battle with my ex husband. I had forgotten how painful it was to know I am a very caring and tender person with the best intentions but yet having my eccentricities used against me. I am quite tormented by this.

The other part is the idea that somehow the closer I get to a person and the more passionate I get about how I cherish them, it becomes a threat of some sort. My mother used to demonstrate it in various forms. Jealousy of me getting closer to my friends was a huge threat to her. She would act out and painfully remind me of how I was unable to prove to her that my love for her was intact but painful to experience in her presence. She never has understood why I cannot be tender with her and open up for very long even if she says really emotionally destructive comments nonchalantly. I have learned to be very open with my inner being but still find that as I attract those that I find a connection closer than just a casual friendship, they tend to feel threatened by what may lie ahead if I continue to bond farther and this is in more than just an amorous relationship. People love who I am at first but then start to become overwhelmed by how powerful the energy can become. They either fear to become more involved (which fits into the idea that there is something sinister to something so strong) or are so enamored that they try to manipulate out of fear of losing it. I also get the pattern she passed to me from my close ones that they do not believe I feel anything at all for them and thus I am in a constant struggle of whether its healthy to continue to try and prove it.

I’m not at all finding a way to shake this pattern. I refuse to be in an unhealthy relationship no matter what the title of it is and am finding those who choose to be truly in the presence of all of me is extremely rare. Not a bad thing because I have found some very good relationships that have surpassed those moments I may have but still can’t shake the feeling that maybe I am the only one left on earth that can see the beauty I see and share the intimacy without the fear of me destroying their world or that I would ever take from them what would be their happiness. I would never do anything to deliberately get back at anyone. Ever. I believe who ever has the powers to create this place we call earth does a much better job at making them pay the price in a much more poetic fashion than I can even orchestrate.

For now, I keep my heart, eyes and ears open to how I evolve past this so that I can find someone to relate to deeply and love passionately without hesitation or mistrust at whatever may come. I hope my wait isn’t long but I am open to being vulnerable enough to not let it slip through my fingers no matter what was passed down to me even if it takes my entire life and beyond because the deliciously delectable way I love is far too exquisite to just bottle it away to just avoid the pain that comes in being let down again and again.

Currently listening : The Cure - Greatest Hits By The Cure Release date: 13 November, 2001

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1:35 PM - The Rare Breed
Current mood: calm

There are less than a handful of people in life that I have discovered has the strength to delve deep inside the depths of the darkness of their souls so that we can live our lives in our own definition and in the ways we have envisioned.

By this I mean that some choose to be sad about the shit people have done to them and thus give their power over to saying they have defeated themselves before even trying. They wade through life sucking off of the stronger souls or just numbing themselves because somehow they have been dealt a bad hand.

Then there are the ones enraged with the way things have panned out. They have found their strength in rejecting all and badgering most. Spreading the hatred that has been embedded in them by those who were supposed to love them and instead did the unmentionable.

These stories can go on forever about the how and why people decide to shut off from what the world is about and choose to live a life of lonliness or just getting by. There is so much besides pain that one can experience by just being even stronger and enduring the vulnerability of being wrong in what we do because we know how to bounce back.

These are the rare ones. The ones that have been through shit tougher than you can imagine and yet are full of this fabulously emotionally filled roller coaster of a ride we are all experiencing. I hurt many, many , many times over and over and suffer deception and anger and rejection and all the fucked up things all the time and let the emotion pass through me. But I refuse to give the power of what my life means to some bastard or bitch who was miserable to make me like them. No one will ever give me their pain to carry for very long before I will remember that this is MY life and that I make it as beautifully crazy as I wish, no matter what. If people can survive for this many centuries with the pain of not being who we want to be, then we are much better off finding who we are because we now have that freedom.

I just wish I could meet more people who can set aside that fucked up decision to just give up.

Currently listening : One Fell Swoop By The Spill Canvas Release date: 09 August, 2005

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1:22 AM - I’m home
Current mood: quixotic
Category: Writing and Poetry

The summation of the equation has startled me deep.
I felt the pain of dismay in the conclusion to creep.
Lost, I am found. I cannot. I speak.
Words wrap around and cater the bleak.
Fuck! Why this? I want, but not dare see.
My world is defined, was defined to me.
And now has erupted, so fast it bleeds.
Come. Wrap around and hold me sweet.
For spooked I am but dare not cease.
The soft has turned inside to be.
What is it? I look. My soul the fee.
Cuz I’m the one who’s left in me.

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11:03 PM - Closed for Renovations
Current mood: quixotic
Category: Romance and Relationships

So its been 2 weeks since I got out of my last short lived relationship. Although, my last involvement ended peacfully (thank God). It still hurt and got me to thinking that I need a bit of time to re-think my reasoning for being with someone.

I am a hopeless romantic I know, but would really like to be back at that place where I used to be. That place before this fucken cynicism towards the true meaning of other peoples attraction to me. I am one to at least feel like I give all of my passion at first and then retreat as they start to mentally or verbally become aggressive. I am sensitive to this because I am well aware that this is who I was when I was married and never, ever want to go back to that ugly person I became because I stayed longer than I should have just because I loved him so.

So, now I am realizing that I have swung the pendulum the opposite way and now leave after seeing this pattern start to develop in an unhealthy manner and have become a bit jaded to what people want from me. I have a fragile soul like the rest of us and I perceive others thinking I can take it because I understand where their pain comes from. But just because I can be compassionate does not mean I can handle the anger that is directed toward me in a disrespectful manner.

I myself find that if I really care for the person, I tend to take my boundries past their limits out of compassion and in the end lose my patience after trying to explain this concept several times in a row. I don't want this abuse but understand that if I want to treat them with respect, I must treat me with respect first. But this thought process generally makes me leave the relationship rather quickly.

So now I stand with this dilemma. My heart enjoys, rejoices, sings, smiles and gets filled with the most intoxicating love when I find someone to care about and would love to share this with someone who can appreciate it as something true and binding instead of pushing me away by mistreating me because they believe I'm a person I am not? I mean, I explain myself quite bluntly as possible at first so blind they are not. I am extremely loving in public with my beau and give them lots of snuggles and smooches and they are well known among my group as someone I am placing in a divine position in my world and yet...its as if I have ignored them.

For now, I guess my heart must be under repairs. Its really hard for me because I really do relish in the exchange of infatuation and love and miss it terribly. I see others last months and months without partners and yet still end up the same way I do or worse. I do not want to think about marriage for now because I gotta take it one step at a time. But I don't do the casual thing either, I get attached and don't really care to take something that has been written about for centuries as something like a passing fling. This dis-respects the tenderness of it all.

I like being a die hard romantic with all the beautiful notes and sweet compliments I lather my beloved with but can only enjoy it if it is reciprocated just as passionately and genuinely. I cannot stand the competition of getting the most handsome, rich, debonaire, dashing or even someone who "looks"like they should be dating me. I just would love someone extremely intelligent, career minded (no matter what career, so long as there is a passion there), aware of their mental shortcommings (because we ALL have them) and willing to express them and recognize them, passionately creative is a must, content in discovering themselves no matter how deep it gets so they can begin to heal with me, kind, romantic, snuggly, great with my children and the activities we muster up, supportive of my dreams and honest with my actions in a tactful manner no matter how it may hurt me and most of all true to me and knowing that I would be true to them.

I have learned to ask for things I must be willing to provide myself. Although we are all human, I am a very straight forward conversationalist and don't like to waist my time with innuendos.

I believe too that in writing these traits out, I can be very clear of what it is I want out of my partner. I have my children who give me such amazing demonstrations of how beautiful we are together and how much we all admire each other and that is what I wish to share with another adult. I realize now that age matters very little and that I must look beyond the soul so long as the gap is not too wide. But Now I have a blue print (for now at least) of what I would wish for at this moment. Maybe, since these people are few and far in between, I will continue to have my heart closed for repairs...at least I think so. But the heart does what it does and I refuse to look away at what it is screaming at me because of fear. By now I know what to do if they break my heart and know for sure now that it will heal enough for me to go on living this passionatly filled life of mine, whether it just be by experience or relationship.

I refuse to give up on what many centuries have been fighting to have the freedom to experience openly and in their own manner without social stigmas. That, to me, would be a great injustice to humanities past.

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10:38 PM - A low today...(poem)
Current mood: melancholy

My wakings offer me no promise of what there is to come
That I wish a day for those who see me would know me
But that is just a dream that i have figured is done
I feel my heart break and hurt on days when my strength I cannot see
And so my soul is weak and sore and my joy none

I know it comes from what stems inside me
And pain was placed without me trying
But continues because of who cant see me be
So cry I must my soul inside is dying

I reach for me and find myself alone
For I have carried myself to see a light
But when I find the one to hold its blown
They fear my soul and scream and fight
I wish I knew which ones would bite.

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7:20 PM - Back once again...
Current mood: touched
Category: Life

I have been writing alot of my blogs lately about issues that have been brought into my life by those I choose to get close to. I had been wondering all along what I had that matched their inability to trust the relationship. Then, as I was exchanging emails with someone they help me uncover what seems to be the problem that lies within me.

We as humans have a tendency to place our unhappiness and troubles on the backs of what others do. Much like my actions were the catalyst for their fear (i.e. jealousy), I was not the problem. Just like my energy attracted individuals that were unsure of their world in order for me to realize I was unsure of mine.

How? Its a bit complicated so try and follow here...

I had to divorce someone whom I had fallen in love with and loved even the day we had divorced. I had given him the power to cast doubt in my view of love. I stopped believing in the beauty of love and gave into the notion that it was not a sure thing to fall in love, that it didn't necessarily mean that it was going to be forever no matter how much we loved each other.

Well, since I didn't feel trust in the love, I was sent lovers who didn't trust. Simple as that. I must now try and change my view and rid myself of such a notion and trust the world for the first time in a way I never had before. Its a scary thought for me. I had grown up in such an insecure place and this has followed me up into today. But I must relearn my way around this place even if things don't change. I had just had so many things happen to me lately that has shaken my confidence in people, order, faith, love and even me. All this has happened to me so that I can see that even though I have gone through some horrible times this year, I am still hear re-newing my faith in the world. This beautiful world which has given me so much I had not noticed in a while.

So off I go today with all my issues and problems and present myself with the gift of trust that my soul will take care of me no matter how much pain I encounter and because I have now had experiences with some sour individuals, my soul also has the knowledge of how to recognize those situations early enough to leave and knows now how to heal from that pain.

I know this will change alot in my life. But for now, I'm really at ease with just being human and feeling it all as a part of life and not some bad luck someone or something has placed upon me. And if I fall in a way that I cannot get up on my own, I have people whom I love and love me that I can reach out to no matter how ashamed I am and they will carry me until I can walk on my own again. This is the one thing that most of us don't wanna ask for because we are supposed to feel pride in being self-sufficient...fuck that. I'm human and not super woman. I wish we can all see that.

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6:13 PM - Relationships
Current mood: bitchy

I have heard from some people that I can be quite cold hearted. That I don't care and that I am just in it for me. I have also heard that I am not going to find someone who can be with a woman who cusses like a bar maid, has tattoos all up and down her legs and is a huge flirt...but I beg to differ.

First of all, I am not cold hearted. I just had been mistreated by many loved ones most of my life to learn how to let go for my own sanity. I can fall in love many times but only need to remember the bad times to let go real quick. When a person is mean spirited to me or puts me in last place, it doesn't take me long to get over the relationship real quick. I cannot spend my short life waiting to see if others have the courage of being vulnerable and standing in their pain enough to change their sick behavior. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and if I do not have the patience for you, how am I gonna let you be who you need to be with me throwing a fit over them? I refuse to mistreat people because I am afraid of losing their love. Love sometimes is just letting go and loving them from afar.

But its always the ones with the answers that are expected to wait and carry their shit for them. Forget it. I am not here to adhere to the safety of what society determines worthy behavior of a woman so that the other person can feel like they know what to expect.

Expect my loyalty because its there, not because I've proven it. Expect my honesty (with the honest reaction to yours) if you are with me. Expect me to stay and bare the pain with you so long as I don't have to carry it. But don't expect me to take your fears and cradle them. I rip them open like a sticky band-aid on a hairy arm so that the air can hit it and the scab can form quicker in order to start the healing process.

Haven't you ever heard of the quote..."well behaved women rarely made history." I am here to live...and very fully without slowing down. If you'd like to keep up, then try. But don't give me shit about how I need to tone it down if not I am gonna be alone. Since when am I afraid of being alone? Been there, done that...Bought the fucken t-shit.

I will always be mis-interpreted because I am way past their train of thoughts. They are too boxed in to see past their own prejudices. I am not here to teach you any lessons, I am here to learn my own and don't need anyones unsolicited advice. I am doing just find asking on my own.

And if I fall, I will get up again after lying in my pain for a while. And if that makes you feel somehow justified to know I'm hurting...we'll thats just plain sad.

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3:02 PM - Fuck this shit
Current mood: aggravated

They say that if you are being accused of something over and over again on something you never even intended on doing...the other person is actually the one with a guilty conscience. I am not one to cheat because I believe it degrades one's value as a soul. To be second best or to put someone there is just plain sad and desperate. But even though lots of us see it this way, this practice continues to plague our relationships.

I am a damn flirt (or as my buddy elmo put it...a social butterfly) and have developed a taste for attention. But I'll be damned if I would carry 2 relationships at once. One is tough enough as it is. But even though I am open with who I am, i am plagued by people who claim they can handle me and end up wanting to own me like everyone else.

I know that we are a product of our environment and some of us carry the pain of finding our loved ones betraying us but I find it highly bizarre that I would have to explain myself over and over in order to feed to insecurities that I never even produced in them to begin with. Accuse me when I am guilty, or leave me alone. I am not paying for the sins of the bitch before me.

So, listen to me good people...If you are interested in me. Make sure you keep your ego in check because I'm a tough pill to swallow. And I like me the way I am. I was in a relationship for almost a decade and never cheated on him so why should I start this now???

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12:25 AM - I had an accident this weekend
Current mood: distraught

Just to let everyone know that this past week I had taken a terrible fal that had completely scratched up and bruised my face in the most horrible fashion. I also lost several of my teeth and am in recovery now. I won't be out and about in a while because it hurts just to move and talk and it sucks because thursday is my birthday :(

Much luv to y'all...

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3:18 PM - Me
Current mood: listless
Category: Life

I am the first to admit that I am not an easy person to relate to on any matter. I am loudly passionate, stubbornly opinionated, wildly flirtatious, horribly ditzy and can forget anything (even my kids names at times) and bluntly open with all aspects of truth. I break every norm of what people think a woman should be and challenge the ideas a person has set forth in their lives as truths.

But this allows many attributes that I strongly defend. It makes me extremely creative, passionately romantic, hilariously entertaining, extreme honesty and pleasantly charming. All of which I enjoy and feel that it makes my life full of flavor and vivacious energy.

The problem is that, although most enjoy the entertaining parts of my personality...some fear the others and a symptom of disloyalty, self centeredness or mistrust of some sort. Almost as if I need to curve my enthusiasum in order to cater to their fears. I understand compromise but don't feel it healthy if it entails that I mold to this matter of trust because of some past experience that person has had and seems really like I would be doing the work for them which in turns make the whole thing unhealthy in my eyes. If I was the one who devastatingly hurt and caused this event, then surely I would be responsible for this molding. But I didn't.

The sad part is that this behavior makes me have to choose between changing who I am to be loved or giving in and catering to the fears of others in order not to be alone in this world. Of course I choose myself. I am exactly who I have been working on being for many years now and have already lost myself in being so selfless and gave in to curving my explosive energy cuz of the other person's fear and almost lost myself. I wanna be me. The complicated, loud, bad mouth, unorganized, flirty, passionate, loyal, intelligent, and intense person I had always meant to become. I just wish someone else could see how much of an amazingly powerful and loving soul I really am and not just the exterior shit, so that I can share my life with a supportive partner, not a stifling one. Maybe, just maybe..one day.

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11:46 AM - This damn badass life of mine
Current mood: jolly
Category: Life

I just gotta take a sec and realize that today is one of those fucken days that you wait for when u have it bad. I love today!! I have a show tonight with some of San Antonio's most badass talent, I get paid today, and I have the best friends and family I could ever ask for...Yes, that includes my sisters!!!...hahaha

Anyway, if any of you are going through a bad time (like I did just a few weeks ago)...just remember..it get good again.

I love my life and all the fucked up things that are in it. I know I'm bi-polar and this could very well be a high but fuck it...I'm fucken fabulous today!!!

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1:12 AM - OMFG
Current mood: cooky/wacky

Double you tee eff!!! My life seems like a soap opera on blogs right now but really its more than it seems anymore. I went out tonight after having it out with her and got back to 3 emails of just mad and happy emails....uhhhhh...errrr...could it be? Did I attract someone like me??? Duh...lmao

Happy, mad, sad, pissed...damn I know that drill well. U know, they have medication for that shit. I should know...I take it!!...lmao Anyway, I loved her, I did but don't want any part of some relationship that cant seem to even speak the same language even though we come from the same dysfunction. I love openly and hate openly...hahaha although, I don't hate for long. I cannot keep my life under wraps because of some embarrasment or hidden anger, fuck that! I am who I am and can have a strong enough foundation to have my great clan covering my back. I love you guys from this crazy ass bitch!!! You guys get me!!!

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7:56 PM - Public or private?
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Romance and Relationships

I cannot believe that someone would dare tell me whether I can blog or not about MY damn life on MY damn page. I have had a surge of threatning emails from my former lover about my being open with my life and I find it quite childish.

I understand some people are private but for god sakes, she lives on the other side of the country and will not be showing her face here ever again...what the hell does she care of what my circle thinks? I mean, its not like we have mututal friends. Just change the channel lady and unsubscribe from my blog...

All this does have a plus though...I am so over her now.

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11:43 AM - I miss her..
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Romance and Relationships

Its like detox. Today is day 4 from not contacting her and today is a hard day. I'm keeping myself as busy as I can but my heart wants to reach out and touch her. I must be strong. I must resist because its over. I need a fix. Some days will breeze by but days like these will drag on while she plagues my mind, I know it will pass, I know I will forget her....I just wish it was today.

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12:48 AM - Me as a liar...
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life

Last night I was told by my ex-girlfriend that my blogs were bullshit and that she didn't believe anything I said. Hmmm...this from a person who barely knew me a few months that never lived near me.

I really don't need anyone to tell me what to write in my blogs, they are my own personal diary that I choose to journal with and find it funny that someone would think I would write a lie. The people around me would notice, duh. I used to believe that the things I said would sway what others thought but the reality is that people choose what they believe before you even say it. They just latch on when they hear it. So, with that said...I write what I fucken want. I have always been bi-polar (which means that I make terrible decisions on a whim people), I may hate you today and love you again tomorrow and I need people around me who get that its not to purposely hurt anyone its my disorder. So I blog on.

Last night I had a party (pictures should be up next...lol) and was talking about being bi-polar and realized I was in the company of people who got it. Ahhhh...that felt so good. My friend Jonny actually works in this field and he and I were laughing at who I can be. His friend was laughing at me too because she was also bi-polar and totally could relate. Sal even mentioned last night that my last blog hit way close to home. Then, I got calls from my cousins (whom I have told on more than one occasion to never talk to me again) and it all reminded me of how truly blessed I really am. I have so many friends and family with whom I can have the freedom to be healed in the time I need to heal.

So, off in this new year I will have hope. Yes, I have lost someone I loved but she never trusted me anyway. I wanna be me no matter how fucken crazy I am.

Currently watching : The Princess Diaries 2 - Royal Engagement (Full Screen Edition) Release date: 14 December, 2004

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