If You Smoke, Your Life It’s A Joke...

Words and Music by Jurgen "Zwei Scoops" Harvey...

NEWS REPORTER:

This is the British London News. According to a report from Scientists in the Top Field of Science, "If you smoke, your life it's a joke"...

JURGEN:

If you smoke, your life it's a joke. It's a joke. (Repeat x4)

Me and my crew we drink Coca-cola.

If you take drugs we won..t even know ya.

If you drink booze we'll always disown ya.

Drink, take drugs and you'll be a loner.

The only time I'm high is when I climb up a hill.

The only pill I take is a headache pill.

The only time I'm cooked i when I sit on a grill.

Don't be tripping, always keep it real.

Party, not partly, we party very hearty.

Banging out tunes, funky and charty.

Having great times, drugs'll never stop us.

The only poppers we're popping is party poppers.

THORSTEN:

Here's the facts you need about drugs.

Heroine is made from squished bugs.

Maujana farmers don't wash their hands.

One puff of that stuff will expand your glands.

JURGEN:

I once knew a guy on LSD.

Who got so high, he thought he was a tree.

Some birds flew by and nested in his head.

When the egg hatched out, that guy was dead.

Mescaline explains the mess you're in.

I'm not questioning or pestering.

It's infectious like wrestling.

So I suggest incest's a sin.

Loser, user, I'm here to abuse ya.

Drugs on your mind so you'll find I confuse ya.

Can..t be a winner unles you eat your dinner.

Get some good stuff in ya, cos drugs make you thinner.

10:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

South America (This is not about that)...

I was in a market and saw a zombie horror DVD called "30 Days Later" which leads me to believe that either this is a really cheap copy of "28 Days Later" or it was a zombie leap year.

I love listening to foreigners talk. The language is so beautiful "Mucho balaba balaba seepo queeale balaba balab". Its poetry. What they are probably saying is "Did you see Big Bruva last night? Did you? It was soooo like amazing, yeah?" but ignorance is bliss.

I do not have much else to say. After one week in Rio I suffered love and loss. What are the chances? Give people a bit of sunshine and everything is drama.

9:04 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m back like tobacco.

I got so bored yesterday that I talked to Christians. They were going on about the Second Coming. They said they believed that Jesus would return but they said that ours is not to ask when and how.

I said: "That's not good enough. You should demand more for your biblical buck. I want to know the exact date and by what mode of transportation".

They won't talk to me any more.

I went to London on the weekend. I paid TWO QUID on the bus. In future, I will tell everyone that there is a bomb on the bus and the defusing equipment is at my house.

Someone was talking to me about the benefits of cancer research. Curing diseases is all well and good, but office workers are shooting themselves in the foot with charitable fundraising. Office workers get scant holiday each year, and it is only through the 10 day a year "sickie" that some justice is won back. The more diseases we cure, the fewer we have to phone in with. Soon it will be:

"Hey Boss, this is Ed. Yeah, I'm not well. No. Err...I feel heady, you know, heady with a chesty cough...I've got a touch of aids".

"Aids? You big girls blouse. Take the cure and come in this afternoon".

Praps the common cold will evolve into the new killer. It certainly has the coverage, it just needs to remarket itself as 'dangerous' rather than 'slightly annoying'.

Also, I had an e-friend who has disappeared from my virtual friends. I don't know what happened to her. If this happened in real life, I'd alert the coast guard, but as it's online, I might just have a cup of coffee instead.

It's weird posting blogs on myspace. It's a bit like writing a book and then burying it.

5:26 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Example of hungover comedy

I'm horribly, horribly hungover. I want to write an idea down which I think is hilarious now, but will find pathetic by lunchtime. It's amazing being sleep deprived. You think that everything that comes into your mind is hilarious, when it really, really isn't. A prime example...

ED (Doing stand up):

And now I'd like to do some character comedy. I'll do 2 characters. The first is the Announcer who will announce 2nd character. Okay...pray silence...

ANNOUNCER:
Please welcome to the stage all the way from the slopes of Mount Gibraltar. It's Yuno....

YUNO:
(high voice) Yuno?
(low voice) Yuno?
(high voice) Yuno?
(low voice) Yuno?

(Sees person in audience)

Aaaaah...you know.

THAT IS LITERALLY IT. REALLY. I THINK I HAVE MIND AIDS.

3:19 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Let’s just change ’the N word’...

Gangsta rappers love to use it, but it offends. What we need to do is to take one N-word (nigger) and substitue it with another...I'd recommend 'Nigel'.

'Nigel' is inoffensive and, as a name, it's going spare as no one seems to be called Nigel anymore. Thus:

"What's up my nigel?"

"Lotta fake-ass industry nigels be talkin...".

"Nigels be tripping".

"Shame on a nigel, who tries to run game on a nigel".

Praps "nigger" would become popular as a name for a 50 year old Norwich-based accountants.

It's a thought.

5:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Men and women, eh?

A boyfriend and girlfriend were arguing on this night bus. They were talking about some kind of party arrangements and the girl was really annoyed. She said: "You just can't organise anything. That's because you're a bloke, you can't handle more than one thing at once. Men can't multitask. Women can..."

The bloke cooly said "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it by shutting up and fucking off."

AND ALSO....

I went to a Native American panpipe concert on Friday. Fortunately, I had tickets as I saw a particularly disconcerting sign saying "BEWARE OF SCALPERS".

6:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Children in Nude

I had to give up watching Children in Need very early this year. Mylene Klass was collecting money from the audience, and Terry Wogan shouted to her, "Hey Mylene, show them your bucket".

I thought to myself, 'It's not going to get any better than that innuendo-wise. Why disappoint yourself?'


VAGINAL STITCHING. IS THERE
EVER A RIGHT TIME TO MENTION IT?

1:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Standup makes me callous and evil.

I saw this mispelt post on this Hip Hop Forum which asked the question: "Who is the Best Raper ever?"

My first thought was. 'The best raper ever? I don't know. There's some pretty stiff competition out there'.

I know that's wrong.

9:15 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The wipe and flush off live comedy...now wash your hands of it.

At my level of comedy, the main problem seems to be consistency. I can write the jokes, and sometimes I can deliver them. Sometimes I am relaxed and yet on form. The words come from a pulsing hub lodged in my brain and flow seemlessly into the room. I am a highly sensitive comedy machine - a COMBOT 2000 if you will...(all rights reserved, COMBOT 2000 blueprints are the intellectual property of O'Meara Globalicorp Techitwoddle Back of Busticket Bluprints Industries.) When I deliver a line it comes out effortlessly and sharply, there is an unconsciencious action to it - it's more a reflex.

This is rare.

Other nights, I chew up and spit out my lines like pre-digested spaghetti bolognaise. It dribbles out of my mouth in clumps, and hits the floor with a dull, wet thud. It is incomprehensible, confused and I am left with a sense of incompetence and an embarrassing amount of cheese around my mouth.

This is not so rare.

Tonight, the latter technique was in play, and half way through my 'set' (not that it seemed to resemble such a thing) I realised I had given up on entertainment and was more worried about my drooping fringe. As if my hair was purposely trying to obscure my vision and spare me further mortificatio, "Yeah. Ed. You REALLY don't want to see this". I felt quite powerless. I got some laughs, but you know when you aren't performing well. You feel no control over what is happening.

If there is one slim salvagable positive, it is that as I was leaving the venue, I heard some girls talking about me. "The second guy struggled a bit. I think he would probably be good, but looked like he was having an off night". In the world of harsh and judgemental audiences and critics, who all to often seem to think that either is someone is 'good' or 'crap' after one viewing and aren't aware of the freakish combination of unruly factors that can determine performance, it's nice to feel that there is a sense of understanding and justice.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that just because I don't score a goal everytime I play, it doesn't make me a....professional footballer (?). That can't be what I was trying to say.

That's an example of tonight's standard.

Time for bed. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm sure I can find new and exciting ways to humiliate myself all over again.

3:08 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Versions of films that wouldn’t last very long...(a pointless exercise)...

My mental exercise this afternoon has been to think of film concepts that would pretty much end before they begin. Here's some examples...

They get better. Then worse. Then pretty much level out in mediocrity...ENJOY!

GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS

LILLIPUTIAN:
Oi, Gullible. You're 60 foot tall and could crush me under foot?

GULLIBLE:
Really?

LILLIPUTIAN:
No. Tosser.


SCHINDLER'S LIST

MRS SCHINDLER:
Oscar, what are you doing?

MR SCHINDLER:
I'm making a list.

MRS SCHINLER:
Is it a shopping list?

MR SCHINDLER:
No.

MRS. SCHINDLER:
Well, I need you to go to Von Tescos before it shuts.

MR SCHINDLER:
Oh...all right.


UNUSUAL SUSPECTS

Verbal Kent comes into the police station. He signs his name.

OFFICER:
Verbal Kent?

KENT:
Yeah, that's right...officer.

OFFICER:
Oh, you've signed your name as Kaiser Soze here.

KENT:
Gay.


FIGHT CLUB

BRAD PITT:
Let's have a fight.

ED NORTON:
All right.

PASSER BY:
Why are you beating yourself up?

ED NORTON:
Am I? I'm mad me!


LORDS OF THE INACCESSIBLE RINGS

Gandalf:
I dare not take it. Not even to keep it safe. Understand, Frodo, I would use this ring from a desire to do good, but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.

Frodo:
But it cannot stay in the Shire.

Gandalf:
No... no, it can't.

Frodo:
What must I do?

Gandalf:
You must leave and leave quickly.

Frodo:
Where? Where do I go?

Gandalf:
Get out of the Shire... Head for the village of Bree.

Frodo:
Bree. What about you...?

Gandalf:
I'll be waiting there, at the Inn of the Prancing Pony.

Frodo:
Hold on, is this some plan you have to rape me?

Gandalf:
I...err...oh...well, I better go.


PRIDE AND STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS

PARTY HOST:
Miss Eliza Bennett, I have the honour of introducing you to Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy.

MISS BENNETT:
Pleased to make your acquaintance, sir.

DARCY:
Yes, quite.

PARTY HOST:
Well I better go and refill the dry roasted.

MISS BENNETT:
From your bearing Mr Darcy, I would say you were a bit up yourself.

DARCY:
And from your presumption Miss Bennett, I would say you're a right mouthy b!tch.

MISS BENNETT:
Fancy a blowjob behind the stables?

DARCY:
Yeah, all right.


DEBBIE DOESN'T DO DALLAS

DEBBIE:
How are we ever going to make more money at our jobs?

FRIEND:
Evening classes could earn us qualifications, improve our CVs and increase our salaries.

DEBBIE:
Fair point, I was going to suggest sucking cocks.


CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE LAB

GRANDPA JOE:

Now Charlie, I know we're living in poverty, but here, my last tenner. Go and buy a wonderful Wonka Bar...and maybe you could get a golden ticket....oh, and Charlie. Try not to spend it on crack again.

CHARLIE:

Whatever.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm a tedious sort of bloke, eh?



 

10:21 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment