Brush Offs and Walk Ons
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

Most of my ex-girlfriends don't talk to me. Some avoid me, some simply just vanish (I have nothing to do with them vanishing, let me make that clear. I don't have a spare room full of ex-girlfriends tied to chairs and gagged. I stopped that.)

Of all of them, Rachel is the one who still talks to me. Out of around 60 women, she's the one who still has anything to do with me. Which, considering we have known each otehr for twenty five years, is a feat.

I am however, aware when I am being brushed off. And if it's an emergency, then fair enough. The cat is ill. My child fell over. The house is on fire. All sorts of emergencies, I can handle. However, when someone says "I have to go, I was busy sawing a candle in half" what would you think?

5:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Doderant

I would like, just out of curiosity, to know who chooses the scents for ’Lynx’ like sprays.

I’m curious because I saw one which said Pine Fresh, which I had previously associated with toilets or pine trees.

And I don’t see too many beautiful women out with Pine trees.

Except Heather Mills, of course.

2:28 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fresh in the bedroom

As a single man, I am often asked by female friends what is good to keep a man interested in the bedroom. There are many ways to keep a man interested in the bedroom.

Try costumes. Activities chez bed are always enhanced by imagination. My ex-wife and I lived out many fantasies this way, from saucy nurse and patient to maiden in distress and heavily armoured knight on horse back (which was a BUGGER to get up the stairs). We even tried a three in the bed, although I only actually found out about it subsequently. Then we tried phone sex, which involved a lot of panting and bad language and an inadvertent mis-dialled call to Rumbelows. You can of course explore your most fantastic fantasy, which for my ex-wife was a fireman. We explored this thoroughly, but were arrested for arson. My fantasy involved Gillian Anderson and a huge quantity of blue cheese. After failing to convince or indeed get a response from Ms Anderson, who apparently had better things to do than lie around my house covered in cheese, I tried the next best thing. it was both refreshing and socially valuable that as a direct result I was in the papers and on first name terms with several of the arresting officers. I also attained some notoriety with Farmers.

Another way to keep a man interested in the bedroom is to make sure another man is in there while he is out.

3:11 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Names, people and places

Doesn’t it suck when you get peoples’ names wrong? There’s no disguising it. You can’t say "Yeah, I agree with Peter, I mean Geoffrey, I mean...sorry Elaine." without it sounding like their conversation was as interesting as a Prussian film about ear wax which carries only subtitles.

Why do I get names wrong? Well, apart from talking to people who are frankly as interesting as a Prussian film about ear wax which carries only subtitles, it’s because I meet a lot of people. Showbusiness is like that; it’s a social animal, which feasts on parties, gatherings, meetings, awards and ceremony. It is simply not possible to meet and remember everyone. Gone are the days when you could call everyone darling. Now, you either don’t refer to them by name, or you refer to them by name so much that they become a verb.

Everyone, though, is after the golden chalice. That hallowed and fabled time when you become one name. Elvis. Madonna. Harpic. The very utterance of those names indicates what you can expect; craftsmanship, originality and clean urinals.

3:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Email.
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

My email was ed@edparnell.co.uk. I used it for friends etc, but it had, on Tuesday, 147 emails offering casinos, viagra, billion dollar lottery wins...the usual sexy rubbish. So I deleted it. And I set up another email address.

This is where it gets sad. I log into my email now, and there's nothing there. I am so used to seeing something, a crowded inbox which forces me to fight my way through countless useless emails (almost like a POP version of DOOM) until I hit gold, that I sort of miss it. I miss those spammers. How sad is that? LOL

I'm laughing reading it, even now.

2:13 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Small Talk
Current mood: aggravated

I hate small talk. Now, I admit, when you are talking to certain sorts of people, you need something trivial which you are not going to squabble over. You never hear a fight breaking out after a conversation

Man1: Nice weather
man2: Not bad.
Man1: Could rain later
Man2: You bastard, I should rip your head off. It'll be intermittant showers at most
Man1: Oh yeah? Well, I say it'll be a heavy precipitation on into the evening.
Man2: Step outside and say that.
Man1: But it's raining
Man2: That's it!

Or similar. I now though, have started giving stupid answers to the 'How's work?', 'Where you going on holiday?' rubbish people deluge me with. Recently someone asked me how I had been and I informed them I was a small African nation with a population of around 300,000 indigenous tribes whose main export was guam.

That shut them up.

3:25 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Wonderful Two Days

So I said yes to installing wireless networking. This was a while ago. Oh What Fun.

Yesterday I was down to £1.27 and decided it would be wise to get some money out of the bank. Imagine my surprise when the cashpoint shut down with my card in it. "Windows Is Shutting Down" it confidently informed me, naturally leaving the phrase "and leaving you up shit creak" for me to add to taste.

I skipped joyfully into the bank and informed them. However, either the girl there was on heavy medication, thicker than the lens on the Hubble telescope or employed as part of a lobotomy re-integration scheme didn't seem to understand the words "Your cash point has shut down with my card in it". It is a complex statement. I myself read that and instantly thought I was out of cheese.

"Even if it has shutdown" she opined in a way reminiscent of an elderly Aunt who patiently tells you that cricket in the greenhouse is not on "We can't give the card back to you because we don't know why it was retained". Are you nuts? It was retained because your machien closed down "Yes, but we don't know why it was retained" IT WAS RETAINED BECAUSE YOUR MACHINE CLOSED DOWN "Yes, but we don't know that". Apparently they cannot return the card. I don't bank with them. In these days when they can charge you for wearing a beard on bank premises in an instant, but walking three feet, opening a door and giving me my card back, making a phone call or even using something located between your ears is beyond. So I storm out, skipping gaily all the way home. I now have to get money from my little stash (the floor) and catch a bus.

I catch a bus into the bank. "Return to Forrestfach" He gives me a single. I know this because the price is not quite as outrageous as it would be for a return. It's mildly outrageous, as opposed to upfront robbery. "You said single. "I said return". I was beginning to think I was dealing with some relative of the bank woman. Grumpily he snatched my ticket and gave me another. So I got the cash, got back, bought the router and prepared myself to go and set it up.

It didn't work. Not my fault, the router was faulty. Annoyed, I go home.

Next day I go out, get a refund and expect to simply go down and tell the lady what she needs and she will get her boss to do it on his account at PC World. I end up travelling to PC World, on the bus, because she can't drive and he won't leave the shop. I get to PC World. The Boss has no account there. I have to PAY AGAIN for the router. The same price. I go back and the bus isn't due for two hours. I have eight quid. A go for a pint and talk to a man who may or may not eat human flesh, about eighties music. While at the bus stop I am informed by ANOTHER loony that the Earthquakes, Global Warming and the poor bus service have all transpired as a direct result of the Apollo Moon landings.

And people wonder why I don't go out.

2:35 PM - 2 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Bleeping

I've sort of noticed lately a lot of the cable channels are bleeping out words.

As a writer this annoys me, because a sentence is a proper construct, it takes time to get a joke right. And to bleep out a word and have a gale of laughter after it doesn't work.

However, to bleep out the whole of Little Miss Jocelyn and possibly have a blank screen would certainly work for me.

5:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Blabbing on some more.
Category: News and Politics

We, as British people knew where we were with Thatcher. We were in the shit. Healthcare? Yeah, piss off. Education? I think not, get back to that loom, boy. Unemployment? It's simply another word for scrounging shyster. That was and remains the entire conservative ethic (sic), that you get what you pay for but we're going to make damn sure you cannot afford it.

I dislike Conservatism and the selfish greed it engenders, the prejudice it fosters and the acceptability it fakes. Don't misunderstand me, I don't dislike Conservatives. People have the right to believe what they want. But Thatchism or Reaganism? I draw the line at UFOs and Elvis living on Mars.

2:02 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh! That Reagan!
Category: News and Politics

And they are harking back the Reagan all the time, like he's some great idol. I hated Ronald Reagan then, and I stand by it. When he met that Thatcher hybrid, that was the point I started to think I was living in a cartoon. It was like 2 Wilde Cyotes, no road runner and instead of ACME, a subscription to Bungalow Today. He screwed the people, screwed the economy, business, everything. He was like a screwing machine. It was as if he had screwed as much as he could as a Governor, and thought "I can screw much bigger projects" and went on to prove it.

1:56 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment