Thought of the Day: Some Friendly Advice
Current mood: Aristocrat of Enlightened
Category: Aristocrat of Enlightened Blogging
It has become shockingly apparent that most people have no idea where to look for advice. Books, movies, newspapers, and Oprah are just a few examples of bad choices for direction. Since I'm not one to rock the boat, I decided to give people another horrible place to look for input.
Thought of the Day: Chips Ahoy!
Current mood: Aristocrat of Redundant
Category: Aristocrat of Redundant Blogging
I was playing poker and eating chips. When I ran out I went all in. But I didn't get knocked out.
I decided not to turn in my chips. Which left me sitting there with a bunch of chips but no chips. That left me with a chip on my shoulder. Fortunately shortly after we chipped up my buddy chipped in and we bought more chips. Which made me chipper. And I got my beer free because the bartender gave me a chipped glass. I'm frugal that way, so is my father. Guess I'm a chip off the ol' block. He's strange, but when the chips are down I know he's got my back. Back to my story. After a bad beat my chips were gone but I still had some chips. I tried to pass the time on Golden Tee Live, but it was out of order due to a faulty microchip.
Too bad, I desperately needed to work on my chipping. So I gave up on the chips and left.
Thought of the Day: Off the Hook
Current mood: The Aristocrat of confused
Category: The Aristocrat of confused Blogging
Tales from the Club 2
It is a well known fact the the club is a who-you-know evironment. If you don't want to wait in long lines or pay for entry or go broke trying to get a buzz, you better know somebody.
The most common targets are also the most obvious. The bouncer, the promoter, the DJ, the bartender, the manager, and the owner.
But if you want the complete hook-up you have to go low key.
The Bathroom Attendant. He is by far the most difficult to befriend. Mostly because first you have to find a bathroom.
However, me being the trooper that I am one day I went for it. Balls Deep. I am an incredibly crafty conversationalist. Below is the transcript of the encounter.
Me:(enthusiastically) Hi, I'm guy smiley! (I extend my hand for a shake)
Him:(smiles and squirts my hand with soap)
Me:(flustered) Dude, I didn't even pee.
Him:(continues to smile and turns on the sink)
Me:(while uselessly washing my hands) What's your name?
Him:(hands me a towel, yes he is still smiling)
Me:(drying my hands) Where are you from?
Him:(still taunting me with a smile) Thank you.
Me:(defeated) You win for now, but we'll meet again...bathroom guy. (evil laugh and quick exit)
I personally feel like it was good starting point. Rome wasn't built in a day. In fact almost nothing is.
Thought of the Day: Not in the Club
Category: Blogging
During my absence from blogging I took up a horrible habit.
I started clubbing weekly.Clubbing used as a verb describes the act of voluntarily donating your brain to science for cruel testing, with loud music in the background.
I no longer participate, mostly because I fell very violently trying to "ski" the hill behind my house and the impact brought me back to my senses. (more on that another day)
The good news is I will be blogging about my experiences in a segment I call "Tales from the Club".It will of course be written from a male's perspective because there is no place that the gap between the sexes is more apparent.Hopefully I can educate those who are considering taking up the Life.Life in this sense is a noun used to describe something useless to society.
Tales from the Club 1
I will start by discussing one of the biggest mysteries of clubbing.For first timers, there are two important things that are difficult to find at a club.
Bathrooms
Attractive Single Women
I choose to focus on the bathroom because it's much harder to find.You can't think when you can't hear your thoughts, so you won't find it on your own.And as a matter of rule you can't be polite to anyone you don't know in a club.This makes asking for directions nearly impossible.
Below is an actual conversation I had in a club on one of my first visits.
Me:(politely) "Excuse me kind sir, might you know how to find the restroom?"
A$$hole: (enraged) "Are you hitting on my girlfriend?"
Me: (confused) "Yes, but she's really cute and I wanted to have sex with her from the moment we met.But only if you watch.(pause) Which one is she?
A$$hole: (now calm) "You better be sorry.O'Doyle rules!"
Fortunately there is a simple way to avoid repeating my mistake.
Go to the bar Order a cheap drink Dance next to the most unattractive group of women Accidently spill it on one of them Follow them to the bathroom
The best part is because they aren't cute you won't have to fight anymore for dumping rum on them.The second best part is they will make a path for you through the crowd.The other best part is there will be a whole group of ugly women who will no longer hit on you.
I know some people may think there is an easier way.
Thought of the Day: Unexpect the Expected
Category: Blogging
At the stroke of midnight today I will bring some closure to my life.
My will is as follows:
I will receive my copy ofHarry Potter Book 7.
I will not waste any time explaining why this is a big deal. If you don't know already you've been living in a bomb shelter and aren't aware that War of the Worlds was just a radio show.
I will be writing a blog about the midnight release party at the book store.
The End.
Even more exciting is that I will be picking up my copy from Books-A-Million. As all five of you remember, I was banned from all of the B-A-M's in Virginia. (See blog "Coffee, Tables, Books")
I feel justified because if I allow them to take my freedom the terrorists win.
My current default picture is the disguise I will be using to stay incognito. It was either that or a Death-eaters mask.
Thought of the Day: Whose that Guy?
Category: Blogging
I saw a commercial the other day that instructed me to "Make the Memories last".
It still means nothing to me but I wasn't in the best mood at the time.We'll just say I was drunk.
Shortly afterward however I decided to return to my awesome ways of boring the crap out of my five readers daily.For lack of a better word, we'll just call it blogging.
Welcome back to Guy Smiley's little slice of the Universe.
Please note that because my life is very uneventful I will be forced to tell stories from the time period I was on hiatus.We'll just call that being lazy.
To start, I would like to remind my loyal minions of why I'm cool.
I'm not.
This concludes the first official blog of my return.
