Funniest Email of the Month
Current mood: Fantasticoloury

I have no idea how well I will keep up with this new monthly segment but I will try to post one of these every month.

Welcome to my new Blog-Partment.

FUNNIEST EMAIL OF THE WEEK... WEEK... EEK... eek.. eek... k... k...

My mom, who is pretty new to computers and has exhibited amazing abilities in bucking the old dog/new tricks issue, recently BCCed all her family and friends an email that explained how the Amber Alert that was sent to her en-mass was a hoax. She linked the snopes.com article that debunks it and enlightened those who would listen, to the hazards of mass forwarding emails.

Good for mom!

Now, that said, I just received the Funniest Email of the Month from none other than, that's right, you guessed it, MOM!

The only thing you need to know is that my mother has issues with memory and my phone number is 818-634-4070, not 4030. In fact, it's twice as funny when you look at the bottom of the email she was replying to and see my phone number accurately displayed in the signature.

Enjoy...

_________________________________________________________________________

Emery,

I have written 100 times 818-634-4030. So I have it down pat now. I won't forget it again.


Love,
Mom


On Jul 26, 2008, at 12:28 AM, Emery Emery wrote:

Hello,

I have finally changed my number from the 661 area code to an LA based number so that industry types won't think I live 25 miles north of Hollywood and look down their cocaine stuffed noses at me.

Please make a note of it.


Sincerely,
Emery Emery
Producer of Wicked Pissers
11336 Landale 5
Studio City, CA 91602
Cell 818-634-4070
www.wickedpissers.com
________________________________________________________________________

Congratulation to Mom for being the first in a monthly installment of Funniest Email of the Month!

5:23 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My bird is a cock blocker
Current mood: horny
Category: Blogging

Our bird, Emmy has never been sexed so it's gender has forever been a mystery but tonight, that mystery has been cleared up.

Emmy is a cock.

My wife and I were making love in the bedroom. It was rough lovemaking. The kind that causes neighbors to look at each other and shake their heads in disgust. The kind that moves the bed away from the wall. Knocks books off the shelves and leaves scars.

Right in the middle of this violence, Emmy decided to take to the air and make a complex set of right turns and a hairpin left into our bedroom. We heard the panicked flutter of Emmy's wings as she (he) landed on the floor, next to the bed.

We were stunned for a moment and then, sent into hysterics. Emmy had decided to cock block me.

Emmy seldom flies from her (his) cage. We have been trying to flight train her (him) for the past year but so far, all we have been able to teach her (him) is to fly from hand to hand and back to the cage.

The only other time we have seen Emmy fly from her (his) cage is during an earthquake. AN EARTHQUAKE!

Now, as much as I would love to claim that our bird mistook my sex for an earthquake, I cannot. While I was surely rocking her world, I am not able to actually shake the foundations of a five-plex and that leaves only one explanation.

Our bird is a cock blocker. It's obvious too. She (He) has always liked Laney more than me. I thought it was just normal gender imprinting as is so common with parrots. Most parrots prefer a specific gender, it's true, but our bird doesn't want me to fuck my wife.

I never really thought much about it. Emmy would crawl up Laney's shirt and hover around the breasts, pretending to be looking for an ideal path to her shoulder. We always though it was so cute. Turns out, Emmy is coming on to my wife.

I'll be keeping an eye on her (him) now. She (He) is Laney's type, after all. She's (he's) short, laughs a lot and has a huge beak. That's Laney's ideal match!

One more thing. It has occurred to me that it's not just men that cock block, but sometimes girls will employ this practice to keep a girlfriend from getting laid as well. While I am not a fan of spinning information to suit one's comfort zone, I am going to stick with this one. I am just more at ease thinking that my bird is a cock blocking stud as opposed to an insecure, miserable hag cunt hen.

6:40 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Dog the bounty hunter be a racist?!
Current mood: embarracist

So, turns out Duane "Dog" Chapman, Of Dog The Bounty Hunter fame, is a dick. Who new?

In a recorded cell call Dog was demanding that his son break up with his African American girlfriend and used the ...igger word 6 times.

Dog claims that the conversation was taken out of context and at the International Revisionists Institute for Fair and Honest Re-Manipulation, they have put his claim to the test. IRIFHRM experts were indeed able to construct a sentence that could put a different light on the situation.

Here is a transcript of how the liberal-biased media played the clip;

Dog's Voice:
We use the word nigger sometimes here. I am not going to take a chance, ever in life, of losing everything I've worked for, for 30 years because some fucking nigger, heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer Magazine.

Here is a sentence that IRIFHRM technicians constructed that could explain how Mr. Dog was taken out of context.

Dog's Voice:
Being upstanding Christians, we will not tolerate racism and if someone told you that I would say,
"We use the word nigger sometimes here. I am not going to take a chance, ever in life, of losing everything I've worked for, for 30 years because some fucking nigger, heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer Magazine." Then I have to say to you, my son, How well doth ye know me?

Another possible version might go like this;

Dog's Voice:
Let it never be said that we use the word nigger sometimes here. If we are ever recorded saying nigger, someone could use that recording to create a sentence like, I am not going to take a chance, ever in life, of losing everything I've worked for, for 30 years because some fucking nigger, heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer Magazine. That's the kind of thing they would edit together and play all over the news if I just said the "N" word once! So I never want to hear anyone in this family, ever say anything that even rhymes with nigger. So, tell me about this new chocolate princess you've been boning, son.

In a statement, Mr. Dog apologized, saying, "I have utmost respect and aloha for black people."

It was not clear whether he was using the "hello" version of aloha or the goodbye version.

But, are we really shocked that the mulleted, white trash, ex-con is racist?

2:24 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Are Cell Phones Killing off Bees?
Current mood: Encellulated
Category: Encellulated News and Politics

My mom read that cell phones are killing our Bees and to her credit, she asked me if this is a real problem or just another press generated, fear based pile of shite. I jumped online and did some reading and discovered the following;

I have read three articles on this subject and the stories presented a range of explanations from weather, to cell phones and a million things in between.

Within the biggest article I found, who's headline read, "Cellphone radiation may be killing bees", there was a mere sentence explaining the study that suggested the problem may be cell phone related.

That sentence read, "To conduct the study, Kuhn placed cellphone handsets near hives and observed that radiation in the frequency range of 900 to 1800 megahertz caused the bees to avoid their homes."

Okay, that is the silliest god damn thing I have read in years. To put cell phones near a hive to see if it affects the bees does no more to prove or even support the idea that this problem is cell phone related than putting fires near the hives and claiming heat is causing the problem.

Proving that bees are effected by cell phones when placed in close proximity to a hive is ALL that a study of that kind does. Bee hives are in the country, where there is often no cellular service available and certainly not a litany of people milling near hives while arguing with their agent over percentage points.

There was a similar study done on the unexplained disappearance of Jews during WWII. Scientists placed armed Nazi's outside the homes of Jews and oddly, the Jews got disoriented and ran off, refusing to return to their homes! Did this prove that Nazi's where the cause of millions Jews disappearing?

Wait, let me put it another way.

If I want to find out why frogs are turning up an odd shade of red around the globe, so I conduct an experiment where I put five million gallons of red food dye in a frog pond and they all turn red, I have not proven that the global issue is red die in the ponds.

Shit reporting and crap science do not an explanation, make!

What really has me scratching are the ideas that this study bring up for discussion. Think about it. We just, in the past year, have come to know and have empirical scientific evidence that global warming is a real and present danger to our long term survival. Even the Republicans have conceded publicly, yet, out of no where and with no compelling evidence, we have a story who's headline is based on the MOST unlikely of proposed explanations which then tries to spark a debate over what we are willing to give up in order to save the planet from losing it's bees. Sure stinks like hell to me. Could the press be trying to stir up a climate of fear and despair as we are moving toward the process of convincing people to think about what they are willing to do to help reverse the trends of global warming? Sure seems plausible.

I think I will set up a field study to test my hypothesis. I plan to place large wads of cash near the desks of news copy editors and news outlet moguls and if they take the money, that should prove complicity in this conspiracy.

To quote a friend, Michael Goudeau, I don't mean to open a can of bees here, but good science will set us free!

And just forget that stuff I said about the Jews.

1:41 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

I am a viagraholic!
Current mood: drained

I have a confession. I am a viagraholic!

At first I just used it to enhance an evening of love making. Then I started using it so I could masturbate to completion. Eventually I needed it just to get going in the morning. I couldn't get out of bed without a hit of V and a massive erection to roll me over and out of bed.

I started using my penis for everything. I dialed the phone with it. Cleaned dishes. I even began picking my nose and wiping my ass with it. It simply took over my life!

I started calling in sick so I could stay home, drop V and do things around the house with my penis. I would dust for hours, beat the bed spreads and pillows out. Wax the floors, paint and caulk. There was nothing it couldn't do.

Then, one day, a single hit of V just didn't take me there anymore. I was trying to reorganize my DVD collection and I just couldn't lift as many boxes as I used to. So I started taking 3, 4, 10 hits at a time. That only worked for a while, 'til one day I was re-insulating the walls and suddenly it didn't have the rigidity required to punch through drywall like the day before.

I got online and started looking for stronger ways to use V. I was already grinding it up and snorting it up my urethra by this time so there was really only one option left. I printed out a page from www.FreebaseV.org that explained the process for cooking Viagra into a clear liquid cocktail for injection directly into the testicles. Just as the page finished printing, my phone and DSL were disconnected for non-payment.

I began distributing it to maintain my habit which had grown to a huge two thousand money shots a day!I had lost my job, my friends and my IRA to my addiction to Viagra. The only person left in my life was my wife. She simply refused to leave. Of course it was pure codependency that kept her with me.

When I realized how bad things had gotten, I had lost everything except a codependent whore, I knew I had hit rock bottom. That was eleven months ago.

Today I am V free and I haven't had an erection in nearly a year. I can walk by a school yard without being arrested or traumatizing any children. I have a new job working as a farm hand where I castrate pigs and sheep. I no longer have a need to use and I'm sure that my penis will not be doing me or others anymore harm.

So as my friends I beg of you, never do anything that will excite, entice or entingle my nethers ever again. My addiction is a lifelong illness that will require daily VA meetings and a commitment from every friend and family member I have to help keep me on the straight and narrow. I am but a simple creature with limited skills cursed to wallow in my own excrement. Only by the grace of my higher power and those around me shall I remain clean.

God bless us, everyone,
Emery Emery

11:37 PM - 11 Comments - 23 Kudos - Add Comment

Finally a Blog about Blogging advice from a Bloggers Blog
Current mood: aggravated

I recently read a blog about blogging written by a blogger that was really mean to other would-be bloggers for no good blogging reason. It was a four step diatribe that lambasted anyone who might blog about crap that might be considered boring or mundane.

Who does this blog-hole think he is? The definitive word on blogging and all that is blogolicious? NO WAY, I SAY! He is just another blogged out kid all hopped up on Goof Blogs, that's who!

As my grandmother used to say (before her heart gave out and she was swept to a hospital where they cracked her chest open, sliced her blood pump into tiny pieces, sewed her shut and left her for dead in a thousand dollar a day, omni-adjustable bed), "If you don't have something nice to blog, don't blog anything at all."

Maybe the little man with the big hair could take a cue from my dead, tortured grandma! Try blogging about nice things like cockle shells and puppy dog tails and stay out of the business of being a Mr. Meany Pants-a-Roonie Head.

10:34 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Misinformation Serves to confuse.
Current mood: enthralled
Category: Blogging

I hate misinformation. 70 percent of the people who spread it are 90 percent more likely to be 10 percent less intelligent than 20 percent of the people who believe it!

10:32 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

In The News, Fear Is America's Number 1 Export!
Current mood: Ring

In a recent study by the Harvard Intra-Socio-Interactions With Sentient Beings And Other Higher Thinking Mammals Group, It was discovered that fear is the preferred state of consciousness for 98 percent of the individuals tested.

The study was done with 3 different control groups. One was shown horrifying world news that was actually happening as the study group watched for 22 hours a day. Another was threatened at gun point with certain death every 30 seconds for the duration of the twelve year study and the last group simply watched Fox News for one hour per day.

What was discovered is that once the fear is removed from the subjects immediate consciousness the individual will do various acts that mirror the level of fear they have become accustomed to. For example, the members of group one, during their two hours per day with no violent news to watch, would sit around with each other and plan horrific events that included raping baby fetuses and hunting homeless people for sheer sport.

Group two, when not staring down the barrel of a rifle or shot gun would simply scratch at their own genitalia and pour salt on the bleeding sores while group three, after an hour of Fox news per day spent the rest of their free time watching more Fox news and buying magnetic Ribbons online.

This study is a first in a series, Dung Beetle researchers are planning around the nation, hoping to prove the theory held by many scientists that human beings will desire any kind of state as long as they are conditioned to want it, no matter how bad it is for them.

After years studying the Dung Beetle it occurred to Greek scientist, Pluckit Obvioso, that the dung beetle is not only an animal of habit and conditioning but "Dumb as a dead dandelion" as well, to quote the Doctor. Dr. Obvioso holds a Ph.D. in Repetitious Psychological Behavior and a Masters in Abhorrent Genetics. He has written several books on the subject including "Cycle of life and death", "Eat Shit and Die" and his best seller, "People! The species that pray together, gets stuck living like ignorant lemmings together" The Study is being called An introspective Look into Dung Beetleism.

11:28 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Quixotic?
Current mood: quixotic
Category: Blogging

Who in the hell is ever quixotic? Why is it in the list of moods? Why do we need a list of moods? Are we so daft that we must have multiple choice to accurately express our current emotional state? Shouldn't the blog entry express the blogger's "mood"?

No, I didn't think this post through. I just impulsively slammed it out. What I did think about is that anyone reading this blog deserves the truth and I feel that we have a duty to humanity to make clear certain realities and to knock down bad ideas in order to make the world a better and more ideal place to be.

But, am I quixotic? I don't even know the meaning of the word!

Next time I will post about the word "awake". A state of being, not a mood!

10:28 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment