I’m a Wreck
Category: Life

For the most part, vacation season has ended.  We did 5 days in Eastern Washington, then 7 days in the Midwest, and then 4 days in Oregon.... yes, we've had our bags packed for awhile now and only stopped home to do laundry a few times.  It's good to be home, but our time away was wonderful.

Family and friends are priceless.... but so is Ori. 

This brings us to the part about me being a wreck.

Ori is on the cusp of crawling.  She can roll across a room in seconds and twist about and summersault to get where she wants to go... and she's pulling herself up on whatever is in reach.  Oh.... and she loves her doggie.  How she loves him.  And that's the problem.

I've known it all along and it was only a matter of time...

For the past 7 years, I've owned a dog that no one in their right mind would call their own.  He's a Blue Heeler-Terrier mix.  He's dominant.  He's aggressive.  He's VERY well trained.... but that won't change what and who he is.  He adores little O and gives her sloppy doggie kisses... but he's not one to tollerate being grabbed, pulled, pushed, or even nudged (especially when he's sleeping). 

Today, Ori and I were on the floor playing and she reached out and tugged on the corner of his bed.  Bruno reeled around with his standard response - snarling, snapping, growling... basically, it's the "I'm going to kill you" response.  I snatched away little O and walloped the dog (I don't think I've ever hit him before)....  Bruno has never bit a person... but we can't risk it.  His reactions are who he is.... he's a wonderful dog... but he's not for little kids.  I could try to watch O 24-7 to ensure there is no chance that she'll grab Bruno when/where he doesn't want to be grabbed, but that's unrealistic.  She loves her doggie and when she gets moving, she's going after him. 

We need to put down my dog.  I keep crying at the meer thought.  I can't help it - he's my dog.... I can't hand him over to a shelter becuase none will take a dog with his severe separation anxiety, nor one of his nature.  He needs a strong owner who knows what they're doing.  He needs to be fenced or leashed at ALL times.  He can play with others, only in a controlled situation and it greatly depends on the temperment of the other dog.  He will attack other dogs, especially random ones that wander across his path on the street or the park (and trust me, those dogs weren't looking too good after those encounters).  He REALLY like cats, but will chase them... And children... he's too rough - he can't be grabbed, pulled, he will snarl, he will snap, I can't promise that he'll never bite....

I guess if I can't really trust anyone else to own and care for Bruno (the dog), then I can't really trust him with my baby....  I know there are no-kill shelters, but that would mean Bruno would spend the rest of his life (about 10 more years) in a small concrete enclosure... it's just sad.... or they could adopt him out to someone who needs a good guard-dog... and he'd spend the rest of his days chained up outside somewhere...  It'd rather have the guilt that I had to kill my dog...

7:14 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A repeat of sorts
Category: Life

Remember when I was talking about "Hide the crazy," and how in theory that's really nice, but just not doable?  Well this week I've been pondering another little catchy phrase... "Don't sweat the small stuff."

Here's the thing... I do my very best to let it roll off, take a step back, and ask myself if this one little thing is really all that important.  I really do.  I do take a deep breath and let it go... with that little phrase turning over in the back of my mind.  But, there's a catch.  One small thing is small, two small things are small, three small things are small, four is still small, five is getting a little bigger, and so on and so on and so on.  And not to mention that number one is a daily occurrance, and number 3 happens at least 10 times a day, and number 10 is once a week.... Pretty soon, all the small things are just too much and then I explode.  Those small things I'm not supposed to sweat about have built up to a whole heap of crap. 

No one likes an explosion... and when I explode I act like the crazy woman ranting about dirty socks in the living room, and who's making a big deal over leaving a crusty dish on the counter top opposite the sink (where dirty dishes belong), and every tiny thing under the sun.  Yes, I realize it's crazy and I know I should be able to let the small things go, but what do you do when the small things become huge things and there's just too much and too many?  These aren't things you can bring up upon each offense - then I'd be a nag and no one likes a nag either....

And lastly, whatever happened to "It's the little things that count"

Thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas? Help Me!

7:51 PM - 9 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Navy Wives.... crap
Category: Life

I made a mistake.  I admit it.  I'm not perfect.... I gave my email address to the local Navy Wives Club.

See, I thought it might be good to get out an meet some of the locals, do some good deeds, etc.  Boy, I was wrong.

I just received a mass email from them all about the Mexicans and how they're invading the country, and we need to take action, and that great nations fall if we don't all subscribe to the same morals, beliefs, way of life, etc, etc.  I think I may have made another mistake.  I'm in a mood... so I replied.

"Good Afternoon,

1:35 PM - 11 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Single Moms
Category: Life

I really don’t know how they do it.  It’s been insane around here.... Justin (husband) has only been gone for 11 days, but I’m wiped out... and I’m not even really working (just a few side projects and some consulting/freelance stuff).  Just playing stay-at-home-mom to an almost 4 month old. 

The laundry, the errands that take 4 times longer than they used to, the dishes, the dog, the diapers, sleep, gas, cranky, playtime.... This is all well and good, but when Justin is home, I can hand off Miss Cranky Pants for a few hours each night (she’s always fussy before bed time). 

Deep breathe. 

Only a few more weeks and daddy will be home.

Hmmm.... I wonder if I can teach Bruno the wonder dog to carry around the baby and pat her back?  I should invent a little baby pack for a dog to wear....

9:44 PM - 11 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Welcome to my neighborhood...
Category: Life

I love my new home and we're very happy here, but the houses around me make me so sad.  They're not happy places.  There isn't joy there.  We live in family housing.  The houses are spacious and we have beautiful little yards and this housing is designated for families with large dogs... dogs are happy... yet this isn't a happy place. 

Our patio gives us a clear view of the neighbors - the children are in the downstairs room.  The walls are completely bare.  There is absolutely nothing hanging in the closet.  The only furnishings are bunkbeds.  The mother hangs an old sheet from the curtain rod each night.  I only ever hear her yelling at her children.  The children are grubby and always crying.  She swears at her children.... never a kind word.  The dog is left outside all day and most of the night... there is trash in the backyard... I never see the father... It makes me so sad.  Why would they have children if they didn't want them?  Why would they keep a dog that is left alone outside with no one to play with? 

At the next house over, there is a little girl.  I see her in the backyard from time to time, but whenever she is outside, I only hear her father barking at her.  Does he know that she will hate him?  Do these parents know how much of an impact they have on their children? What happened to patience? Kindness? Love? Laughter? Good old fashioned play time?

I guess I am very fortunate.  I have a wonderful husband who is involved and present.  I have a happy dog that is cared for and played with and has a comfy bed in the living room (and one in the master bedroom too).  I have a sweet baby girl that is adored by her parents, and her parents have sound parenting skills which don't involve yelling or swearing, etc.  There is laughter in this house.  There is love here.

The neighborhood is overflowing with children, but they're rarely seen.  There are several parks and ample green spaces and broad sidewalks and amazing views with each step you take... and each house has a yard too... but where are the children?  Where are the parents?  I see the cars coming and going... I hear the voices... but where are they? 

8:06 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

"Hide the crazy"
Category: Life

The other day, on my way to the grocery store (well, actually to the commissary on base - cheap is good), I got to thinking (there's not much time for real thinking these days - I'll take what I can get, even if it's just the 15 minute drive to the store)...

The weather was stormy and the winds had whipped the water in to a frothy gray-green frenzy.  White caps and waves.  It was a confusing jumbled mess out there on the water.  I tried to imagine what could be hiding out there amongst the chop, and at the same time, asking myself, how could anything hide?

Earlier in the day, I heard the phrase "Hide the crazy."  It all made so much sense at the time.  Everyone is a bit crazy and has odd little obsessions that they really should keep to themselves... but how?  What do you choose to hide and what do you reveal? 

I wear my "crazy" on my sleeve.  It just can't be hidden.  It's just not possible.  I've been feeling a bit out of control lately (and we all know how well I deal with my life being out of control - oh, I can deal with the crap I can't control... I'm talking about the stuff I normally keep under control - this is now out of control - am I talking in circles yet?  Still with me?) OK.  When I'm out of control, there are two things I can do to make the world seem right again.  Fuck with my hair or re-arrange the furniture.  With the baby, the furniture seemed like a rather large undertaking, so I opted for the hair.  I hate it.  It's icky, but at least I can take comfort in the fact that I did it and it will grow.  No biggie.  The control factor out-weighed the icky hair factor and I feel better. 

The point?  Oh, I suppose you want a point.  I can't hide the crazy.  It's just not possible.  Right now, it's on my head.  I can't hide any of it.  I can't hide my irritation at things not being in there place (I don't mind mess or clutter, but if one has a moment of free time - pick up the crap and put it away), or at leaving lights on, or not rinsing dirty dishes (I hate it when they get crusty), or... or... or... should I go on?  No.  But, if you ask, you'll find that everyone has a "system" for many things.  The way things should be done - ask Justin about towels and I'm sure he'll have a good story for you.  That "crazy" was on display in it's own special way....

So, do we hide it?  Or fess up?  How can we hide it?  I can accept other's "crazy," but are they prepared for mine? 

*****************************************

Notes for the future: 

Elbows & snores - I miss my bed

Discovery - kick & play

One person - the whole spectrum

Grandparents

Hot dogs vs. brie

TV Nazi - culture snob

8:16 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Work in Progress - seriously, check back another day
Category: Life

At the moment, this is just a jumble of random (incoherent) thoughts - things from my day... heard, seen, and conjured... it will develop into something more... later... when I've had some sleep.... I just didn't want to lose track of these tid-bits (there are mornings that I "awake" and have no idea what day it is, how much I actually slept, how many times I got up... and on and on and on.... my memory is shot - completely).

Churning gray-green seas... wind & whitecaps... water... island life

"hide the crazy"

snores & elbows.... the sofa

one person... the whole spectrum

9:53 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Shifting
Category: Life

No, this isn't going to be a debate about automatic vs. manual... no cars in this blog, but I guess I could say this is about being on automatic. 

We, Justin and I, had a baby.  This really does change everything. 

Life is no longer about grand debates on the origins of the universe or the late nights with many beers (although life was never about those things).  It's no longer about me and where I want to go... no more solo time... not really... time in the woods listening to the wind in the trees... taking in all the beauty... looking to capture the ultimate in nature... light, composition, color... to take away with me when I need to come back to the real world.  It's no longer about finding the perfect road... driving endlessly... with the perfect road music... starting out on some new adventure.

Now, I find myself thinking about how one can be surrounded by so many people and still be so alone.  I'm trying to find peace and beauty in this new solitude, but it's not the same.  I find myself falling. 

I take comfort in the gurgles and coos coming from the vibrating bouncy chair next to me... and try not to think about the hour (or more) it will take for me to try to leave the house today so I can drive to my mother's to pick-up the dog.  Or the dishes in the sink, or the laundry, or how on earth I'm going to get the recycling loaded in the car...

I try to take comfort in thinking about the adventures awaiting little O and I... her first words, her first steps, teaching her silly songs, dress-up, ballet class, school, opening her eyes to the beauty around her, making mud pies, "hat day," and planting a garden. 

But, I still feel so alone and the stress mounts.  How did I end up in the driver's seat?  How is it that I'm expected to get it all figured out and make ends meet?  How is it that I'm expected to pull it all togther?  Endless nights... Endless days... At times, I just need a little help.  I just need someone to walk in the door and say, "I'm here and I'll be here."  I just need someone to keep their word.  Even when help is offered, it's with a "tell me what you want me to do."  Why can't someone just step up and help without being asked or told what to do?  Why do I have to tell them what the right course of action should be? 

Okay - this is taking a wrong turn.  This isn't meant to be a rant.  It's meant to be a blog about shifting gears... about trying to find new joys in life... new beauty... a new solitude... And I'm working on it...

10:07 AM - 13 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Teen Pregnancy Nightmare - My "Baby Story"
Category: Life

Here's the labor story... Hold on to your hats... I have a quiet moment and need to type with super human speed.  Warning: errors will abound.

Labor... I went to start the induction process on a Sunday evening and the Pitocin drip started the next morning bright and early.  After being chained to a bed for about 20 hours, I was still only 3 centimeters dialated... but not for long.  I was told we were in for a long night, as only 1 centimeter an hour is expected once one hits the 3-centimeter-active-labor point. 

Three hours later (around 5PM), I was 6 centimeters and headed for the tub since contractions were coming every 1 or 2 minutes and getting pretty damn strong.  I was tired and wanted to go home, stop it all, and try again tomorrow, but I guess it doesn't really work that way.  I didn't want drugs.  I just wanted a nap. 

Still, they kept telling me it was going to be a long night, but things were feeling pretty intense in the low, low, low back... and I told them I kinda felt like pushing.... they told me, no way.  You're not even 7 centimeters yet.  Just go back to the tub and if you absolutely can't stop yourself from pushing, let them know. 

45 minutes later... Sitting in the tub, making noises only a wounded dog should make... squeezing poor Justin's hand till it turned blue, and yelling out, "no, no, no, no!" (my way of telling myself not to push), did I let out a yell.  "I can't not push!  Go get somone."  To Justin this sounded like "tripple, double, double."  After repeating this back and forth to each other three or four times it all clicked and Justin was off to locate our nurse, Wendy (the best woman in the world to have at your side when you're having a baby - or at least that's my opinion.  She was super fantastic!). 

The nurse came to retrieve me and get me back to my room.  She asked me to try and empty my bladder before getting back in to bed.  The moment my rear hit the toilet seat, I had a contraction and I HAD to push.  I told her. She said to go ahead, it was ok to push a little.  I told her this HAD to be a BIG push.  I couldn't stop myself.  I pushed....

And there was little O's head.  I'm on the toilet and there's my baby's head.

The teen pregnancy nightmare flashed through my mind.  You know, the girls who have their babies in the school bathroom?  Baby in the toilet?  This was me.  I'm on the toilet having a baby.

The nurse pulled me up off the toilet and I waddled to the bed (it's hard to walk with a baby's head poking out from between your legs.... trust me).  Justin stood acroos the room with a look of calm - this didn't seem to phase him.  Hmmmm.... what does phase Justin? 

The nurse at my side asked him to go get another one of the nurses... Odd, but no one ever thought to get the doctor.  I guess it was a little late for that.  The baby was here. 

There was one more little push and little O's head was fully out then another small one to ease out the rest of her body.  She shot out like a cannon ball on a water-slide.  Really. 

15 minutes later, I was up, getting clean clothes, nursing the baby, and asking for my cheese burger. 

Pitocin, 3 hours of intense contractions, a jetted tub, a Super-Nurse named Wendy, Justin's hand, tripple-double-double, a toilet seat, from 6 centimeters to go-time in 45 minutes, and then a baby. 

12:17 AM - 10 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Welcome home little O
Category: Life

Justin and I have been home from the hospital with Orinthia Marcella Martin (aka little O, Ori, or Martini (a tiny Martin)) for almost 2 days now, and it's been grand.

Labor was swift (very very very swift) with no complications and all is well (many amusing tid bits - more to come later).  Baby O is very healthy and happy too!

Thank you all for your well wishes and good thoughts - they worked!  And, photos are now posted. 

1:10 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Breathing... just take a deep breath
Category: Life

The week of hell is over and I just slept for 12 hours.  It felt amazing.

One of my two replacements at work (yes it takes 2), was here all week training (I didn't want to go to SoCal for a week - wonder why?).  So we sat in my home office all day (about 10 hours a day) and did work stuff.  That was interesting.  She's fully capable, etc, but she's a SoCal girl.  I don't think I need to expand on that.

And last night... last night, I thought it would be a good idea to take an infant & child CPR class.  I took CPR/first aid back in high school (a very very long time ago, and I remeber the basics, but not the little details like how many breaths to compressions, etc - and yes, back in the day, the high schools did offer Drivers Ed/First Aid/CPR as a full semester class for credit and we were all required to take it). So, now I know what to do if little baby O decides to stop breathing or has a cardiac emergency. 

I did better than I thought.  Before I went to the class I was thinking, "you know, this may not be a good idea right now. I'm very very very hormonal and I'm going to spend the next 5 hours imagining my child not breathing."  I thought I'd be lucky not to end up a mass of jello crying in the corner of the room, but I kept it together pretty well and passed the class with flying colors.  Yup, I have a little paper card from the Red Cross saying that I'm now certified.  Fantastic - I just really hope I'll never have to use my newly stamped & approved skill.

They talked a bit out first aid and being prepared (which I should already have in the back of my head, but it slips in and out given the current state of things) and I realized that my home first aid kit is sorely lacking - it's a hodge podge of stuff that's probably all expired anyways.  Today, I'll sort through it all and make a list.  I also need to start thinking about having a hospital bag packed and there a few things I need for that too.  Just what I need - more stuff, but you need what you need.  Ah well. Facing a lack of income and I need to go shopping.  Damn.

And, I'm supposed to practice all the stuff I'm learning in birth class and I need to read ahead (just in case - don't think I'll make it to the last class (the day before my actual due date)).  Breathing, walking, breathing, walking, stop and sway, etc. 

So, coffee, some eggs, then time to sort, make a few lists, and then to the store.

CPR, First Aid, Hospitals, Birth....

11:00 AM - 10 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Hormones, Heat, and all things distressing
Category: Life

I'm at my wits end. 

I'm just about 34 weeks pregnant.  Yesterday, I took my new husband off to the base airport so he could go off on a boat for the next 4 weeks. I spent the rest of the day in extreme discomfort & pain, having pretty much continual contractions - I'll chalk those up to stress and the full moon, but still....

And, last night, I was up way too late at my Birth Class (where, by the way, I'm the only person there without a partner), and, who the hell holds a birth class that runs until 930PM?!?!  Pregnant women aren't getting enough sleep and are in this class right through dinner too - no sleep and no food on Wednesday nights?!?!

And on Tuesday at the DR, she tells me I'm not gaining enough weight, which can be dangerous - I've gained only 8 lbs this whole pregnancy.  It was more, but with Gestational Diabetes, I'm so limited in what I can eat (I'm actually losing weight).  If I eat more to try to put on a few, my blood sugars aren't acceptable.  What the hell?!  What can I do?

And, now, this morning, the heat is out again.  The furnace here has crapped out 3 times in the past month or so.  They fix it - it works for a week or so, and then dies again.  It's a whopping 35 degrees outside and it's blowing out ice cold air.  My fingers are nearly non-functional. 

And then I get a phone call from the Navy Veteran's Assoc asking me to support the troops out on deployment by giving them money - I tell them I'm married to one.  The stupid girl replies with "so you don't care about the other soldiers?"  What the fuck?!  Just send Justin home and then we'll talk.

I'm tired.  I'm stressed.  I need Justin to be here. I need the baby to stay put until he gets back - I can't do this without him.  I'm literally freezing cold and the temp inside keeps dropping.  I'm trying not to cry.  This is hell.  Can it get worse? 

10:29 AM - 21 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Not really a blog, just a thought or two
Category: Life

I just feel like I'm living in the shadow.  At times, I just feel like glue.  I feel like the thing in the background mechanically making the day to day life move along... ensuring things are functional.  

It's a pretty lonely place to be, and yes, I'm sad when I stop think about it... but there's always too much to do to really stop and think - I guess I'm lucky in that respect...

There's no escape time for me.  I don't get to run away.  I don't get to let it slide.  I don't get to pretend.  I don't get to drown it all away each night. 

7:27 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Subject? Not this time...
Category: Life

I'm a process and preparation person.  I like to know all the variables.  I want to know exactly what I'm facing.  I don't like that sinking feeling of impending doom.  I don't want to dwell on problems.  I want to solve them and get it out of the way. 

I can't quite understand why some people drag their feet and put off facing the inevitable.  Wait until the last minute... until it's too late.  Why?  If only the issue had been faced long ago... If only.  But that's not the case.  For whatever reason, it's just not the case. 

But, then again, I've never really been one to rely on others, or really trust others to get it done on their end (except employees - I expect that my expectations (if communicated clearly) will be met).

So, I take care of business.  I make sure my bases are covered.  I pull up the numbers.  I research the options.  What am I up against?  What's the game plan?  What's next?  Set it up and I'll knock 'em back. 

Given the challenges I'm facing - I will be OK.  This really will all work out.  I have a plan.  I see the numbers.  I located the necessary resources. 

No more tears - No more wallowing - I gave myself a total of 24 hours over the course of a week and enough is enough.  To be completely cliche, there was a storm brewing - hell was opening up... I will soon be unemployed - I will be giving birth to my first child - I am single - I won't have health insurance.... that's a hell of a lot to take in.... but now, I feel in control.  I've taken control. 

But, that said, if you know of anyone who'll give me some free legal advice/assistance, or anyone who wants to me a donation to the "Emily will soon be in the hospital giving birth without health insurance fund,"  let me know.  Thanks!!

8:00 PM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh Crap...
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Maybe the category should read - "Lack of Jobs, Work, Careers," but let's start at the beginning. 

I work from home in Washington - I have a nice comfy space set up in my house where I manage a couple of National Sales Coordinators in an office in California and I manage the day-to-day, end-to-end, needs of our company's 2 largest national accounts (I'm responsible for millions & millions of dollars).  I've been doing really well working remotely, but I'll admit, it's not a great set-up for those in the office that I'm supposed to teach and manage, etc. 

The plan was, that I would transition the team management to someone else and continue to manage the large accounts from my home office.  But, today, I was confronted with a whole new future.  Unemployment.  Yup, I was let go today. 

First, are they insane?  They're short staffed and I've been building these relationships and processes for years... and now I have 60 days to transition these accounts and all my worldly knowledge to a very unpleasant Operations Manager - one who Customers refuse to work with.  She's already working 60 hours a week, and now I'm to hand her my 60 hours?  Okay.  Sure.

Also, did I mention that I'm pregnant?  Yup.  They're paying my COBRA benefits through Nov 30th... and I'll be paid as a Consultant till then too, but the baby is due Dec 7th.  I'll be an unemployed brand new single mother with no health insurance. 

Am I stressed yet?  Am I still in a state of disbelief? Crap.  That's all I can really say right now.... Crap.

5:09 PM - 12 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment