Spring....’tis the season for change

Well, as the weather finally makes a turn for the good, I reflect upon how spring is the season of change and renewal.

I always marvel at nature's very own rebirthing show every year. Spring has always been my favorite season, ever since I was little....so amazing to see all mother nature can do to recover from the long, harsh winter.

Of course, this spring seems to be a season of change and rebirth in more ways than one. Emotions long buried are finally sprouting up as the snows of cynicism and loneliness melt away and are washed down the river.

Like with spring weather, I marvel at the changes, and count my blessings each and every day.

I will never take these changes for granted, and I will plant the garden and ensure I can make it through the inevitable fall and winter that is bound to overcome me eventually. Only by nurturing and fertilizing can this birth and euphoria grow into all it can be.

7:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The comfort of the known

Ok, April has been a record blog month. I've lost count.

What causes this openness? Ah, well.....that tricky balance of emotions and logic. Oh how maddening it is.

On the one hand, there are the things I want. The feelings I enjoy having. The warm fuzzy feeling....walking on air....gazing.....making dreams come true....being the all around knight in shining armor. Who doesn't love it? Isn't that what girls dream about when they are little (or even when they are big)?

But then....there is what I know I need. What the logical mind, in its comforting wisdom, keeps saying loudly and clearly. Slow down. Relax. Take a deep breath. Remain....in....control.

That's what I've always known. I've never been a naturally charismatic, outgoing character. So I retreat back to that old pair of comfy shoes known as logical brain.

But geez, it's not easy at times. The other side keeps screaming to come out. Kinda like the devil on my shoulder. I cover my ears and say lalalalala but he just won't go away.

So, what happens now? No one knows. But....

All I know is that I am treasuring every moment. The fleeting glimpse into what can be....is better than anything else could or would be with anyone else at this time. When something seemingly so perfect (emphasis on seemingly.....damn logical brain again) comes along, you don't question what, when, why, or where. You just go with the flow and hope the river doesn't go over a waterfall along its meandering path.

6:37 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I’ll take it and have another

Hmm, well where to start today.

This past week and a half since I last wrote has been, well, interesting. Not that this should surprise me by now, considering how my life keeps changing so quickly. Hopefully the pace of change slows down some; I'm beginning to like things as they are now.

My fears are easing as things continue to go better than even my best imaginings. It's hard to believe things I've wanted for so long finally seem to be coming together. Now if I had a long term job to go along with it....ah well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. The gods seem to have finally deemed me worthy of a chance, and damn I'm running with it. The last thing I want to do is get greedy.

Above all, I had forgotten the truly amazing feeling of having someone to share things with. Who sees my insecurities, vulnerabilities, fun side, crazy side, introspective side, chivalrous side, passionate side.....and likes them all, or at least finds them mildly cute and/or useful.

On top of that, the weather has been simply perfect. I've really been enjoying getting out. I had forgotten how good it feels to do an invigorating walk around Presque Isle with the road closed to traffic on a beautiful spring day. If there is a heaven, and I somehow end up there, they better well have it or at least a mighty good replica.

I can't wait until the first weekend of May and Emily's Beltane party. It is going to be awesome beyond belief. Only one thing could make it better, but we're still working on that. Provision pending, call back in 5 to 7 business days. Here's to hoping for no port fails.

10:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Walking the fine line

Well, things continue to be.....typical. I guess. Whatever that is, or ever can mean.

Work is....work. As much as I make a habit of complaining about my job, I do really enjoy it in some ways. I can pretty much do it in my sleep.....so that obviously is a plus. There is something to be said for not having to mentally exert one's self all the time, and not having to think about it when I come home. I am truly going to miss the place in terms of the friendships I've made.

Another freakin' snowstorm is supposed to come tonight. I am less than amused.

Otherwise, I continue to walk around with butterflies in my stomach on a regular basis. As much as I love it, I do hate uncertainty. I just wish sometimes I innately knew what to say, or what to do. Lately I have been making a conscious effort to be myself (which, for me, is more of an accomplishment than it sounds like :) ), and it seems to be rubbing off. It's just tough because I am so nervous and afraid of saying or doing or not saying or not doing the right thing all the time....sometimes I just wish I could be one of those guys who didn't care. Especially since they seem to have more luck overall. :) I just have so much to give and to offer and I want to show how much I have without appearing creepy or stalkerish. Then again, what's the difference between a stalker and someone who is adorably head over heels but for the impression of the recipient of the affection? I dare say, nothing....and hence my dilemma. :)

Ah well. Somewhere, somehow, the gods have a plan for me. Hopefully. I can't make head nor tails of how I feel most days, other than knowing what I want....and then trying to figure out how to get it. But I'm not complaining. Far better to feel this way than to feel the despair of hopelessness.

I must take a moment to commend those who have been closest to me and helped out....I truly do notice it and thank you all. More than any other, my loving sister who puts up with me crazy or sane (mostly the former).

Well, here's to hoping this weekend is as good as last.

6:10 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Argh. Make it stop!

Ok, as I look out my window, I see it’s snowing to beat the band.

It’s April 9....it’s about time it stopped. I like the winter as much as anyone but this is getting kind of ridiculous. I really want to be able to get out and hike without freezing to death....

Anyway, not too much else to report....things continue to go well and seem to be progressing nicely from last blog report. I’m just really, really trying not to get too optimistic, but when you feel the way I do at this point, it’s damn difficult. I wish I could stop that fluttering heart just long enough to get my feet back on the ground.

So today’s title is a bit of a double entendre....I don’t want my rational self to be totally overtaken by the feelings I have but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen such potential and been so happy about it.

Here’s to hoping I don’t stumble it away.

11:17 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Expect the unexpected

Ever notice how quickly things can change in life? In ways you would have never thought possible just mere days, or even hours prior?

Well, I’m in one of those moods. Yes, again.

Life never ceases to amaze me. People who you thought would be there forever can just up and decide one day that they are done. I hate uncertainty...I like to have my ducks in a row.

But....the good side of this, and I say side as it’s a yin and yang situation, is that those who you thought were lost for good can also give you another chance.

I guess the real lesson here is....never take anything for granted. Whether good or bad. Life can turn around in an instant. Both for the positive, and the negative.

If you have something good....cherish it. Nurture it. Like a tender flower, it will grow into a beautiful plant if it is given the proper care. But with neglect, it will die. If you are with a special person, or you have a good situation at work, or any such thing which makes you happy....never, ever take it for granted. Don’t ever lose the drive to improve things and your devotion to your cause, because things are never as secure as they seem.

But....if someone tells you never, don’t take never for an answer. Things can change. Be persistent. If you really want something or someone, put in the effort to make them realize that you are indeed right for them. If you put your best foot forward, and take to heart what they say in their suggestions.....and learn what it is they want and are looking for.....things can change. If you have confidence in yourself, and show your good side to the world, good things will happen to you, when you are least expecting them.

I’ve had a few other less than happy thoughts rattling around my head for weeks (well, for years really, but coming to somewhat clearer realizations of the nature of them in the last few weeks/months). But I am not focused on those right now. Spring is right around the corner, and I intend to water and fertilize my figurative garden until it becomes all it can be and all it should be.

7:13 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A quick update

Well, I don't have anything strikingly profound today. Just quickly updating since I haven't blogged in a few weeks.

There isn't much news to report in Eric's world....I seem to be in a bit of a funk lately. Not sure why....maybe it's the weather or just my overall bad luck in some respects. Who knows. I just don't seem to be getting the breaks whether in work, love, or life. But that's ok....I just keep trudging on and keep smiling. I keep it all inside waiting for those who are deserving of me opening up to them....if they want to know, all they have to do is ask.

One thing I am quite happy about is how the race for the Democratic Presidential primary is going. Barack Obama has opened a healthly delegate lead over Hillary Clinton and seems ready to deliver the knock out punch on March 4 if he can win the Texas and Ohio primaries. Given his current lead, he really only needs to win one of these two to do it. We'll see....I don't want to get ahead of myself and all excited right now....that seems to be a common mistake of mine lately and I refuse to do it when it comes to my great passion for politics.

Anyway, I didn't mean to gripe, but just wanted to get a few things off my chest. Work situation continues to depress me when I think about it, so I try not to. I just wish I had more to look forward to right now than drinking with the guys on Friday and Saturday nights. Not that I don't enjoy that, but I do genuinely feel ready to enjoy the company of someone....um....shall we say a little more physically compatible. It just seems that whenever I meet someone I like, they don't like me in that way, or vice versa. I guess that's the way it goes sometimes, though. Trying to force things when they just aren't there isn't going to do any good. I am rather choosy about who I approach or open up to when it comes to women so maybe that causes part of my problem....who knows. Maybe I'm running too scared and not showing my true self.

6:36 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The only thing we have to fear

Fear is such a powerful emotion.

One thing that always gets me is when people are afraid of the unknown, but yet the known is so bad....

It's something I see all too often. Especially when it comes to relationships.

In particular when women stay with men who treat them like shit. I'm sorry, but you deserve to be treated with respect. Why stay with him? When you can do sooo much better. Someone who will pay attention to you, cherish you, honor you, spoil you rotten, respect you, tell you you're beautiful, challenge you but in a way that expands your horizons and makes you a better person. Someone who will be proud to be with you, to tell all of his friends about how awesome you are and how lucky he is to call you his. Someone who wants you to have his child and raise a family with you, not be chasing every skank that comes his way. That's what real men do....stay loyal and be there for you.

Really, women, there are guys like us out there. Who are just waiting to sweep you off your feet and show you how awesome love truly can be.

Alas, when we are rejected in favor of the bad ass guys, well, we just slink off, feel bitter, lose all self confidence, and become hermits. It's not a pretty picture. Then women complain about why there are no good guys.....

If you give us a chance, we really aren't that bad. Oh sure, we may be dorks or be incapable of putting on matching clothes that aren't half wrinkled, but come on, you can get over that, can't you? Maybe there's a little part of you that wants to be the loyal, giving, caring woman too and help us out a little bit when we need it. :) Trust us, we'll appreciate your honesty, candor, and desire to help.

And if you are worried about us not knowing how to have fun or to let loose....well if you just give it a try you might be pleasantly surprised. Sure, we might not be the gregarious, outgoing, dynamic individuals that those losers are, but we're just more selective about who we show that too, and once you've allowed us to share the secrets we haven't and won't tell anyone else, it'll feel that much better for you to know the trust you've been given is genuine. We aren't fake, we don't put on a show for others, we do it for you and you alone because you deserve it.

We may get just one chance to show you how awesome we can be. And no matter how great that one time is, it can go for naught....don't let it happen. Take the chance, break free, and see how real men are and all that they can be. You have nothing to lose but the shackles that fear of the unknown has bound you with.

10:38 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Hello confusion my old friend....

Well, where to start.

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. And that would be putting it mildly.

Right now I'm just appreciating the fact that I have 5 days off work to wrap my mind around it.

As always, the fact that my workplace is closing causes apprehension for me. Not that I don't have confidence in my own ability to get a job, but with the way that national economy is going and the way I think it's going to continue to go in the near to long term future, it's quite difficult to feel optimistic about things. But like everything I can just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

On a personal note, it's pretty surprising how things keep swirling in new and different directions, not just by the week but almost by the day lately. Sometimes I wonder if this has anything to do with me or anything I've done, or if it's all just a coincidence, or what. I find all of the confusion and changes to be quite intriguing in many respects, but at the same time uncertainty is a tad maddening. Just when one thing settles itself down, another thing comes up. Not knowing what's going to happen next is always one of my biggest fears, especially when I can't control what it is that happens. In my most recent developments, it would seem that my role will be as supporting actor rather than the lead, and while it has the potential to be an amazing journey, I am not putting the cart in front of the horse quite yet.

Well, that's the update from Nyman-land....if anyone was wondering why I hadn't blogged in a few weeks, suffice it to say the many ongoing developments have played a decent part in that.

Now I just need to find a good song for my profile to fit my current mood and feelings. I rather enjoy finding an awesome yet obscure song that also fits me at that time, both lyrically and compositionally, and this one will be a challenge! :)

7:19 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The art of life

One of the things that always amazes me is to what extent our lives are more of an art form than a science.

Now for me, being a pretty left brained person, this makes the world a hard place to understand at times. I am so used to analyzing, to rational thought. Linear thinking, being able to deduce that if A and B, then C. I think a lot.....in fact my mind is pretty much going nonstop regardless of what I'm doing. I am always thinking what this thing that person said means, or what this response to that action tells us about this other thing.

Part of this is great fun to me, not merely a survival technique. I genuinely enjoy analysis and figuring out why things work. I'm not content for something to just work, I always love to know why. I think it can be very revealing and educational and help prevent future problems if we know not just what happened, but why.

However I think one things that differentiates me perhaps from most classical left brained thinkers is not the focus so much on details. There's an old saying that small minds discuss actions, medium minds discuss events, and big minds discuss ideas (paraphrasing obviously). I prefer as much as possible to see the big picture, and while I love the details of things as much as anyone, I am always thinking about how it ties into other pieces of the puzzle.

Anyway, how does this relate to the current state of affairs in my life, you may wonder? Well, it does in several ways. One is in job applications....the entire process of the interview is more of an art than a science to be sure. Putting together a resume, one that will catch the employer's eye. Then the dreaded interview day, where you figuratively pull your hair out over every little detail of this question, that question.....where do you see yourself in 5 years, what is your greatest weakness, etc. I don't think many people ever come out of interviews truly feeling good about it afterwards, no matter how much they try to convince themselves otherwise. I actually think that I interview pretty well, but this is mostly because it's what I've been told. I of course, being the ultimate self-critic am never truly confident I've "nailed" an interview but I have at least learned to be able to play up my strengths and spin my weaknesses. That's all you can really do in the process; you are marketing yourself, and just have to put your best foot forward.

The other major category of life that is almost all art and almost no science is the art of personal relationships, especially of the romantic variety. When I think back in the past and even look today at someone who I've been/am attracted to or who I wanted to get to know better, I honestly can't say there is any rhyme or reason to it. Oh sure, I have things I like, and I really know what I like and what I don't, but it still all surprises me many times. What boggles me even more is figuring out if someone else is going to like me or not, and if they do, if it is in "that way". In my experience women in particular tend to put men on a "relationship track" or a "friend track" from pretty early on (not that men don't often do the same thing, but my perspective is perhaps skewed since I can honestly say I haven't emotionally or physically wanted to or needed to seperate the two), and it's damn near impossible to get off one track and onto the other. In an ideal relationship the two would come together to form one happy union of souls, but it seems like a lot of people must seperate the ones they cry on the shoulder of with the ones they sleep with.

Of course coloring this even more is my past failures. Having gone through the personal pain I have of thinking I was with one person forever and then having it fall apart.....well, that makes me just that much more scared.

So for those such as myself who have the left brained curse, the overanalytical thinkers, understand that we have a hard time grasping this delicate dance. The art that the creative mind can paint on the canvas of life to produce a beautiful harmony is an awkward process for us. We are out of our element; we think things should make sense, that if I'm attracted to you and you to me, and if we get along, well by golly why wouldn't we want to share everything together?

Now note that hard does not mean impossible. Yes, I have to force myself out of that way of thinking at times, but I do enjoy seeing how it all fits together too, and I can and do appreciate the emotional side of life, and I've even learned to embrace and enjoy the uncertainty of this dance. Although I may not outwardly show them much of the time, my emotions and passions run deep and strong....just waiting to be tapped by that person who is willing to find the key to the vault. I may put up some walls to keep away those who could hurt me, but for those willing to put in the effort, they just might be pleasantly surprised.

10:00 AM - 0 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment