The Eric and Adam Show
Current mood: angsty
Category: Blogging
So here I am.....ahhhh......the comforting realm of Myspace blogs.
I haven’t been here in awhile and I have to say, I don’t really know why. I just stopped one day. Maybe it was the shocking nature in which Adam’s true feelings toward Asians manifested itself, however, maybe it was the birth of ’The Eric and Adam Show’.
The show, in case you haven’t noticed the incessant bulletins promoting it and have no idea what it is, has taken on a life of it’s own. It has taken much of my free time and energy and left me not even thinking about the blogs. We just finished our 25th show and we’re up to four 2 hour shows a week.
However, a recent email from Swampy, "encouraging" me in a very Jersey way to write another Super Friend blog has brought me out of semi retirement.....maybe.....I mean it’s not like I play sports anymore, so what do I need my knees for? (P.S. click that Swampy link above for some good reads, you want to talk about a prolific writer, he puts me to shame, it’s like he can’t stop writing!!)
I thought that for the first blog back it would be a good idea to tell you what you might have missed on the show so far.
Let’s see, what have we learned.....
- Adam confessed to having a phone sex relationship with a Vegas Stripper who wanted to fly to Florida to date him. - He and Heidi broke up and he promptly gained a groupie through the show who flew down from Pennslyvania and they stayed in a hotel room for three days banging. - Shortly thereafter he had a breakdown and left the show for about a week. - I admitted that I prefer to pee in sinks. - I found out that all my friends think absolutely horrible things about me, the short list being (I’m a control freak, an asshole, I keep secrets, I have no respect, I’m not a real friend, a liar and I’m untrustworthy) - We interviewed a lesbian who only dates short, butchy girls and picks ’large’ appliances. - We received a call from a black sex toy seller who said she has dated many a black man and without a doubt white guys have bigger dicks. - Courtney E from womenrockradio.com called in and proved an interesting interview when she said she is "always single" and will never commit. - I did a show remotely from two strippers’ apartment. - Carlos chooses to yell over everyone and try to ruin every bit we do. - And perhaps the most shocking part of all was when Steve, my ex-friend and arch enemy called in and has since called in three more times.
And these are just the short list of things that have happened.
I gotta start drinking now, oh yeah, if you’re interested or just bored tonight, check out the show. It’s on at 11pm eastern and all the information on how to find it is below.
www.blogtalkradio.com/ericandadamshow
3473245939
Currently
watching
:
Talk Radio Release date: 31 October, 2000
Adam Hates Asians?
Current mood: shocked
Category: Friends
"How is this possible?", I'm sure you're asking yourself.
It all stems from a drunken conversation I had with Adam(him being drunk, not me) where he asked why Asians always worked at nail salons.
I personally have never noticed this. I don't see color in anyone, they're all human beings to me and I strongly dislike a very large percentage of them.
But Adam, apparently, is a very different story. When he thinks nails, he thinks slanty eyes and the letter 'R' being unpronounceable. This is funny to me considering that he spent three months in Japan amongst the very people he despises the most.
This of course, asks the question, "Why was he there in the first place?".
Sure, you might think it was because of his girlfriend, but every operative must have a cover. Was he gathering information for some extremist organization trying to wipe out Asians everywhere? Is he on a mission to make eyes everywhere oval and round and penises bigger?
Would he call himself the 'Asianator'?
I remember at one point he told me people always mistook him for being Asian and he thought he might have some Asian blood in him. This sounds eerily similar to the rumor of Hitler being Jewish and taking his self loathing out on them during his reign.
Is this why he's such a self-hating person? One can only look at the pictures for evidence.
Currently
reading
:
Orientalism
By
Edward W. Said
Release date: 12 October, 1979
The Prostitute Review
Current mood: understimulated
Category: Life
I received an odd text message last night from an anonymous, unknown phone number with a 623 area code.
Below is the text message in it's entirety.
I made a new friend. She's fascinating she's a black prostitute named latanya and she is not at all shy about talking about her profession. I even met her pimp.
Upon further investigation I found out 623 is from the Phoenix area of Arizona. I have a guess who it might be or involve, but I won't give out the name of this person as they are obviously very racist and judgmental of the art of prostitution.
I wondered why it was so important that this particular prostitute was black? If it was white would the texter have said she was a "white prostitute"? My guess was no.
The best part of all this is I showed the text to the people I worked with. Now they all think that I'm some how or another involved with not only prostitutes, but black ones at that. One person remarked that they didn't know me at all and thought it was suspicious that I was getting "reviews" about prostitutes from people.
Another guy made the statement that "every tall black women is or used to be a man".
I can only hope the prostitute in the text message is and has always been a woman.
Steve’s Big (Secret) News
Current mood: crazy
Category: Friends
Since Steve has stopped speaking to me some people in his life have been secret informants working for me.
They have been telling me about his daily activities, but in exchange for this information they have asked that I do not reveal their identities, so I shall honor their wishes.
I didn't think the information was worth a blog until recently....
Their big Steve news, was that he was moving to Los Angeles. Of course, I could only hope he would move to the valley and get a job in the porn industry. As some of you know he has been making independent pornos in his hometown of Lancaster, Pennslyvania as evidenced by the following pictures.
I thought it would be funny if he walked out his door to find me standing there with a pie welcoming him as my new neighbor.
Or maybe it would be funny if he came home to find pictures plastered to his door of him banging that chick when we were in Sarasota.
Courtney Is A Slave Trader
Current mood: shocked
Category: Friends
Courtney came through my town again yesterday and before she left she made some time for me at Hooters--.
When I walked in and found her I was greeted not with "Hi" or "How are you?", but rather "You look fat".
I was already in a bad mood because I was just on the phone with Adam being yelled at about Stephen King's 'Dollar Baby' program, which is a whole other thing.
Then as I sit down she starts in on me like a Pit Bull. She wants to know why I was late, why I wasn't making eye contact, that I shouldn't drink and that I should try the friedpickles!
When she asked me when I was going to come to the east side of Florida to visit her and Adam, I told her I was recently in Miami and had the worst weekend of my life. This, found out quickly, was a mistake. When I had gone over there I hadn't called her to let her know I was in town. She promptly informed me that she would not contact me the next time she was passing through. This, of course, is a blatant lie. If you look at the last Courtney blog, she said the same thing, but look what happened this time. She can't stay away, I'm just too damn entertaining for her. Plus, as she said, 'I make her feel better about herself because I'm so negative and angry'.
When she went to the bathroom she asked me to watch her bag, which keep in mind, was more like the size of a piece of luggage. She yelled at me about that because as it turned out, it was a bag she made at her school. From what I understand it was leather made to look like Ostrich or as she called it "Faux Ostrich".
She told me if it was real Ostrich it would be much more expensive. I wondered why this was. Why would people be so enamored with Ostrich? These are nasty, ugly birds that spit and kick you if you get to close to them. What makes them so special?
Then I wondered if a bag made from my skin would sell for more than an Ostrich bag. Maybe Court could answer that here.......
When she got back I asked her what her feelings were on outsourcing labor to third world countries. She said she didn't believe in it, but if she had a larger store or chain, you were unfortunately forced into it. She did say, however, that she wouldn't go with the Chinese, but rather South American workers, preferably Brazilian children.
Then she got kind of a dreamy look in her eyes and started chuckling to herself while rubbing her hands together in a very evil, villain-like way.
One of my ex-girlfriends got married this past weekend. My parents and sister were invited. I did not receive a paper invitation, however my ex did call me to invite me, I declined to attend.
My family didn't say anything to me about it, which I thought was weird. I think they thought I wasn't invited and didn't know about it. However, I did see it on my parent's calender they keep in the kitchen.
How is it that my family becomes so entertwined with my ex-girlfriends? (She is not the only one they keep in touch with, by the way)
Where's the loyalty?
I can tell you this much, my ex's parents and I certainly haven't maintained a relationship, we've actually made a conscious descision to avoid each other.
I wondered what would happen at the wedding. I imagined them being introduced to my ex's husband with, "Their son used to bang me honey."
Wouldn't that be awkward? Wouldn't their mere presence be awkward to everyone there, especially the groom and his family. I could only imagine myself being there, what the hell would I say to people. And god help me if I got drunk.
I would be tempted to yell out, "Umm, she definitely shouldn't be wearing white!"
Maybe I'm just really insecure but I would be pretty freaked out if my fiance's ex and his family came.
I could just imagine standing there, watching her walk up the aisle and noticing him watching her with a smug fucking look on his face.
Then comes the time when you're supposed to kiss, I see him out of the corner of my eye and I look at her lips and wonder to myself, "Those lips were where on him?"
I was talking to Marja the other day about me and my myriad of problems when she told me something shocking.....
She thinks I was molested as a child.
She is a psychology student, I thought to myself, so maybe she knows what she's talking about. The only problem is, I have no recollection of this happening to me. Could I have suppressed it?
I started going through a mental checklist of possible molesting partners from my past.
I hadn't really had that much contact with priests, other than one time my Grandmother forced me to go to church in a desperate attempt to make me a believer. All that came of that was me getting in a debate with him over the validity of religion and the existence of god.
Most of my babysitters would rather watch TV than spend time with me, much less molest me.
My parents just wanted me to leave them alone. They wouldn't have molested me simply out of fear of me forming some kind of attachment to them.
No matter how hard I thought, I couldn't think who it could be.......
What kind of molestation was it? Did they make me do something to them? Did they simply fondle me? Was there penetration? Was I tied up? Most importantly, did they hold me afterwards?
I started to think about what my molester looked like. I hoped it wasn't one of those stereotypical molesters. You know the kind, you're at a gas station filling up your car, you glance up and there they are smiling at you......
..........sure they look friendly enough, so you take them up on their offer to show you their rare stamp collection. Before you know it, a madman is released......
........you're tied up and he's putting things in orifices you didn't know you had.
This wasn't how I imagined my molestation.
I imagined someone very masculine with a hairy chest, who showed me how to be a real man at my tender age of 4.
For some reason, everytime I undergo deep hypnosis I keep coming up with this image in my mind.......
I know what you're saying, I must be the luckiest molestee ever. To have Tom Selleck's hairy, sweaty chest rubbing all over me as a small child is an honor for sure.
But don't be jealous, you too can be a part of my Tom Selleck molestation by purchasing my limited edition t-shirt I designed.
The Passion of the Carlos
Current mood: impressed
Category: Friends
As most of you know, Carlos is everyone's favorite Mexican Super Friend.
Well, actually he's the only Mexican Super Friend....Ok, the truth is the only reason I'm friends with him is for my future political career to show that I'm ethnically diversified.
I can't wait for that big showdown with Steve when he runs against me under the Evil Friend ticket. He's actually getting a head start by working on Christopher Dodd's campaign, who by the way, I heard has ties to White Supremacist organizations.
Back to Carlito......
You see, everyone thinks Carlos is a one dimensional Mexican, but he is actually much deeper than that.
He started out as every Mexican does, in the tomato fields.......
But Carlos always dreamt of more. Much more.
He sometimes sat in the tomato fields at night, looking up at the starry sky, his hands stained red from tomato paste and dreamed of his fantasy.
Figure skating.
Everyone told him no. "You can't do that Carlito! We pick tomatoes! This is our family legacy!"
But Carlos was vigilant. One night, when picking was done for the day, he packed up, snuck out of camp despite never seeing snow or even an ice cube and headed north.
He had only heard of a place where water turned to ice and people put on skin tight outfits to compete. It seemed like paradise.
As he traveled further north, he saw snow for the first time. Not understanding it's properties, he lost a foot to frostbite and soon discovered a more suitable way to travel.....
However, bored one night, he decided to have dog fights like the old days in Mexico. Soon, all the sled dog's were dead and Carlos was once again alone in the northern wilderness.
He had to find a way to survive.
One day while walking out of the woods he walked across something hard and slipped. He sat up and looked across the pond that was now ICE! His memories of Michelle Kwan in the Olympics seemingly floating across the surface danced through his mind.
He always wanted to be Michelle Kwan.
Michelle Kwan was his "chink hero" as he commonly referred to her. Even though he always wanted to meet her, he was afraid of catching her "yellow skin fever" his father always told him people of her kind had.
But he had no skates to practice. He found the dog carcasses and skinned them, making bone skates. He practiced everyday and discovered another thing the ice was hiding.....
He lived out this existence in the wilderness alone, eating tons of protein and skating all day long. Finally, he gathered the courage to travel to the U.S. Figure Skating Championships to try out.
Did he win, you ask?
Did he win? Ha.
He dominated, and flew over the ice like a Mexican parakeet, which by the way, became his nickname.
He became an international celebrity and playboy.
After winning every significant award you can win in figure skating, he retired to the lap of luxury.
He now lives in Minnesota, where every woman looks like she belongs on the Swedish bikini team.
Oh yeah, if you're ever in the area and you go to the local pond, you just might catch a glimpse of the Mexican Parakeet gliding over his favorite thing - 'Agua Frio'.
______________________________________ <------Adam did these pictures, some of his best work in my opinion.
The Courtney Dinner
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
So I went to dinner with Courtney last night.
And by dinner, I mean drinks. You see, this is dinner to Courtney.
And I have no problem with that.
She asked me the usual questions...
"What is wrong with you?"
"Why are you boring?"
"What did you do to Steve?"
"How does Heidi put up with Adam freeloading?" (All right, that's what I really want to know)
She kept the questions coming all the while squinting at me with a 'what the hell is wrong with you?' look.
I told her how I escaped dogs in the woods of upstate New York by throwing a large piece of chicken into the brush........how I got into yet another argument with yet another shot girl at a club and everyone STILL thinks I'm gay.
"Well, aren't you?", she asked me.
I changed the subject to my cousin dying and having to go to a Southern Baptist funeral.
She laughed at me. This is one of the many curses of my life, people never know when I'm being serious.
At one point she tried to speak Spanish to me and said Hispanics make fun of her because of her southern accent. But she's from Pennslyvania. How could this be? I'm from the deep south and my accent is so thick people routinely mistake me for Antonio Banderas (not in the looks department).
But then again, Steve's from Pennsylvania and he talks funny, so maybe there's something to that.
Appearances can be deceiving, however. If you ever see Carlos and I standing next to each other, you might be thrown off. He's a dark skinned Mexican and I'm a fair skinned Scandinavian lad. But when we talk it's like I'm straight out of Ciudad de Mexico and he sounds like he's Charlie Brown.
There was one thing that shocked me about last night. Courtney didn't claim to have a single illness. She's always claiming to have something wrong with her. One time she said she had MS, which I thought meant Menstrual Syndrome.
Who Did These Horrible Things?
Current mood: curious
Category: Quiz/Survey
Today we're going to have some fun and find out just how much we really know about history and the people who make it.
I'm going to give you some different statements of horrible activity about a particular person.
Then I'm going to give you a list of people and you have to guess which person all of the statements apply to.
Here we go.
1. When he was about to perform oral sex on a girl, he didn't like how he smelled so he sprayed her vagina with Lysol. 2. He tried to rape his babysitter at age 8. 3. When he was in a college class using tools, he pressed a nail gun to his friend's back over his heart as a "joke". 4. He was involved with an underage girl while he was in his mid-twenties. 5. He attacked a friend with a beer bottle, almost smashing it over his head. 6. He would routinely guilt girls into giving him blowjobs but would never return the favor because he was afraid his head would get stuck. 7. He betrayed his friends to get ahead in life. 8. He entered politics by volunteering for a well known politician. 9. He is on tape talking about how evil Jews are and calling them anti-semantic names. 10. He dedicated his life to get power, fame and money.
So who is it?
Vote away.....however, being that trying to post this blog has been one of the most frustrating, aggravating moments of my life, if you don't see it here, it's on my main page under the 'About Me' section.
Currently
reading
:
Evil Men
By
Miranda Twiss
Release date: 18 August, 2003
Through sources that shall go unnamed, I have received word that these two have been carrying on in private. Flirtatious messages, sexual innuendos and outright naughty offers have been put on the table.
Carlos has even offered to give her his Mexican seed to father a child.
Now ordinarily these actions would not bother me in the least. However, I don't think anyone here is thinking about how much it would cost me in insurance alone. Imagine what kind of a financial hit the Super Friends would take should there be any kind of break up and following sexual harrassment suit amongst these two.
We need to have the utmost in professionalism as Super Friends, otherwise we may turn into STEVE.....
, the leader of the Brotherhood of Evil Friends....and don't get me started on all of his sexual offenses and crimes.
Remember the 'Scarlet Letter'? God forbid you be brandished with the 'Slutty Letter'.
Here's something for all you guys out there to ponder.
Think about who your girlfriend/wife/ex think's is an attractive celebrity. Got him in your mind?
Odds are it's one, or more of, these three guys....
Now do me a favor. Get up from your computer and take a second to look in the nearest mirror. Do you think you look anything remotely close to any of these people? Let's all be honest for a moment and agree that it's not even close.
How is it then that women can say you/I are their types when they're obviously attracted to much better looking guys?
Surely they'll say it's about more than looks, it's personality, yadda yadda yadda. If that were the truth and it's not about looks, why doesn't this same girl who finds her everyday boyfriend hot name the following guys as celebrities they think are hot as well....?
See what I mean? This doesn't make sense.
I firmly believe the female species is by far more attractive than men. It's very difficult to walk through a mall, for example, and find more than a couple genuinely hot guys. On the other hand, it's very easy to find attractive chicks. In case you're wondering, I have done this and no it's not because I'm gay. I have no problem looking at another guy and saying whether or not they're attractive.
How is it possible then, that girls can look at their significant others in the eye, tell them they're hot when they also find Brad Pitt hot?
I'll tell you.
All women are liars. They wear bras to make their breasts look bigger and not saggy. They wear makeup to disguise and enhance how they really look. They wear pants to make their ass look tight. Heels for their legs and on and on.
I call on men everywhere to go to McDonalds three times a day and put on 75 pounds!! Don't shave!!! Grow mullets!!!!
Become as unattractive as possible!!!
This will be our battle cry!!!
They think we're hot when we're not?! We'll show them what hot really is!!!
New Super Friends - Revealed!!!
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Blogging
After much deliberation a decision has been made.....all right, the truth is a decision was made awhile ago, it's just like pulling teeth to get Adam to do these pictures. Apparently, he's been too busy sleeping in and doing nothing in Japan. However, when I finally got them, I couldn't be happier.
Before the results, I'd like to do a little commentary on the process. In the initial stages, I have to admit there were two front runners. They were Slim Goodie(the black chick) and Kevin the Poet (the cross dressing gay guy).
The simple reason was - it would have been great to have a black chick and cross dressing gay guy. Imagine the comedic possibilities. Not to mention the fact we had the NAACP and the Rainbow coalition up our asses after Steve did this....
It was theirs to lose. However, Slim Goodie after throwing her name into the hat she disappeared and I got the feeling Kevin the Poet was an attention whore, which, let's be honest, most gay guys are.
So here they are!! I'd like to reveal the two new members of the Super Friends.......
They were underdogs from the beginning, but like the tortoise, they ground out their victories.
Here they are for the official Super Friends press photo...
And here's another picture after the photo shoot when we went out to celebrate.
If you don't see Carlos it's because he was too busy getting his revenge to party with us.
John Ritter was banging too many chicks to be included in the picture, but I ain't putting that up here.
I will say something about both Sugar and Britt - beyond their obvious beauty - they both have an incredible wit and sense of humor. Not to mention the fact that when Sugar merely said 'hello' to Carlos he fell in love. And the first time Britt uttered the word 'zombie' Adam fell equally in love with her. Also, Britt and Sugar gave me valuable advice in my recent personal crisis, so thank you for that.
But I need to remind everyone, especially John Ritter, there can be no dating or fraternization amongst Super Friends.
As always, there was a side story to this whole process. A comment made by Swampy in the original blog always stuck in my mind as rather ominous.......
When Steve sent me the following picture, it all made sense.
As it turns out, he took himself out of the contest and joined Steve in the Brotherhood of Evil Friends.
Figures Steve would try to sabotage me like that.
______________________________________
<--------- This guy was too busy eating sushi to get the pictures done sooner.
Labiasaurus Rex
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Blogging
There you go Sugar, the name of my strip club would be - LABIASAURUS REX.
Wait, let me rewind and explain.....Sugar wrote a blog in my honor explaining my query of how she got a hooker for her boyfriend. You can read her story of debauchery in Canada: Lost In Translation: The Hooker Story by clicking that link.
She had read a previous blog of mine: Strip Clubs & Me, where I talked about what my future strip club would be like, should I open one. I also devised a scoring system to rank the strippers on how screwed up they were so the guys would have an idea of what they're getting. Sugar was the only person to take the questionnaire.
But first, the girls. All my girls would be polite, unless paid to be mean(some guys get off on abuse).
A quick side story - I was at a club not that long ago with a friend of mine. He went to get a dance and like an antelope separated from the herd, I knew I was in trouble.
A shot girl took interest in me and asked if I wanted one. I politely declined. She became more aggressive, put the shot in her cleavage and told me to buy one. I told her I didn't drink, I was a recovering alcoholic. She pointed to my hand.
"Why are you drinking a beer then?"
I held it up, looking at it, "This isn't mine, it's my friend's. I'm protecting it while he gets a dance."
"But I saw you drinking out of it."
"Listen, sobriety is tough, I'm sure you don't have any vices, right?"
"Whatever, just do the shot."
The only thing I think to say under this relentless pressure was, "I don't have any money."
That was apparently.....the wrong thing to say. The look on her face was as if I had just raped and killed everyone she loved and held dear.
"You didn't bring any money?"
"No. Is that a problem?"
Her look of confusion turned to rage within a second. Before I knew it she screamed - "THIS GUY DOESN'T HAVE ANY MONEY!!!", for everyone to hear while jumping up and down and pointing at me. As I learned later, this is not a good thing to say in a strip club.
When she turned her back to me to yell to the other side of the club, I went to the bar and ordered a shot. Before I drank it, I caught her eye and raised the glass to salute her.
So the morale of this story is there will be no forcing, demanding, harrassing or guilting guys into doing shots or anything else. Matter-a-fact, those shots in the test tubes that are mainly juice would never step foot into my club. I would have chicks walking around with bottles of Jack and pour it down their bodies into the guy's mouth. That's a shot girl.
So the questionnaire goes like this:
1. How many times have you been in an abusive relationship? 2. At what age did your mother and/or father abandon you? 3. When did you first try cocaine or any other hard drug? 4. How many children do you have? 5. How many abortions have you had? 6. Do you have a criminal record? 7. Would you pull a "trick" for money while dancing?
This is devised to figure out how screwed up the girls are. I would print up a pamphlet with the results and as the guys come in they would get a copy. Then they could see the scores and pick what kind of girl they wanted.
So Sugar, being the first stripper in Labiasaurus Rex, here is your score.........
16 out of 70 possible points
Since you are on the low end, it means you're relatively together. Guys might like this because you would be portrayed as rather innocent and not psychotic.
For an outfit and alter ego I am assigning you to be a Nun in full garb.
Being the idiot I am, I didn't think this would stand in the way of our friendship of almost 10 years. Unfortunately, it seems that it has.
I ended the blogs involving Steve at his request, thinking that it would improve our friendship. It was kind of like the husband telling his wife he would stop going to strip clubs, but when he does, she still files for a divorce.
I called Steve to have friendly conversations, but it was robotic on his end. Recently, as of a few days ago, I called and my call was never returned. I wrote text messages, again, nothing came back.
I left messages after that saying if he was that intent on ending the friendship, I never would have ended the blogs about him. I mean they're just too ripe for material. I've got 10 years worth of material to sift through, not to mention my infinite imagination.
Alas, no response from Steve. So I left a voicemail and sent a text message to him letting him know that if he indeed planned on ending the friendship, the blogs would continue.
Again....no response.
So the news is that the Steve blogs will continue and included is a picture that pretty much sums up our entire relationship.
Are we staring at each other out of lust, or out of hatred?
angsty
shocked
understimulated
crazy
depressed
confused
impressed
<------
amused
curious
worried
, the leader of the Brotherhood of Evil Friends....and don't get me started on all of his sexual offenses and crimes.
annoyed
ecstatic
<--------- 
accomplished
infuriated
