Here's an old clip off my DVD "A New Low" (which you can get for a measly $12 by clicking the banner above) that proves once again--we're not willing to let a good turd go to waste.
So...pour yourself a thick, creamy glass of chocolate milk and enjoy!
Roommate Dudes
Current mood: crappy
Category: Friends
This l’il nugget of shit is the surprise video I unveiled after Bella Morte’s performance at The Haunt in Ithaca, NY two weeks ago. All you out-of-towners that couldn’t make it up to the show (and all you local shitbags that sat around grinding your pud into the carpet instead of going out) can finally see what all the fuss was about. Enjoy...
D.W.I want more excitement in the local section.
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Friends
Tony, is this your idea of a joke?? It's like I always say--drunk driving isn't funny unless you have to stop at a car wash on your way home to spray the remnants of a pregnant pedestrian off your windshield.
Give your readers something a little more riveting next time, and remember: aiming for the sidewalk is like aiming for the front page.
Here's a short presentation that Taem Jones, J.Ho, Yetti and I threw together in the summer of 2005 while shooting A New Low 2. It explores the dangerous underworld of Pog, a vicious sport banned from the United States since the late 90s. Warning: this dramatization of actual recorded events is not for the faint of heart...
The buildup was fairly steady; there were no complications in the delivery, which was conveniently timed and effortlessly consummated; it had a soft, almost spongy texture and a subtle piquancy...yet, in its wake: a menacing formation...
...a bear claw.
Not to be confused with the pastry delight of the same name...this was more than some inanimate cluster with a coincidental likeness. I'd first believed this to be the gentle paw of some sort of aquatic bear, reaching out to tickle my clean-shaven ball sack...or then, perhaps lacerate it; as a savage, bloodthirsty beast would; and ostentatiously march it back to the darkened sewers of Horseheads from whence he came.
With irreplaceable (not to mention above average in both size and performance) assets dangling within his reach, I ultimately chose not to trust this unknown dweller of the deep and made a harsh, but instinctual move.
As you can see, he fought with every ounce of his life as I flushed the toilet. The claw marks left in the porcelain only hint at the potential damage that might've claimed my strapping (yet, given the circumstances: vulnerable) lady pleasurin' mega machine. Looking back, however...my genitals, ravishing as they are, should've been the least of my worries...for I might not have made it out of that Barnes & Noble bathroom alive. I was lucky.
I don't have any solutions to this problem, shall it surface again...as I, myself, have many questions left unanswered. My only advice for the next time you're squirtin' chunks is to keep one eye between the thighs...because you never know just when you'll have a close encounter of the turd kind.
SWM seeks thickening agent for pee
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
When I was a boy, the sound of Doug Craven's pee stream was epic. It was loud, powerful, intimidating. It sent shivers down my spine--not to mention light splashes against my face as I tried peaking over the bowl to see what all the commotion was.
I couldn't wait for the bathroom to shake with the impact of my golden thunder.
Now, here I am at the tender age of 27, with a cock bigger than two Christmas hams, and--though my stream has respectable width and passes at a considerable rate--the consistency of the pee itself is a bit light-bodied for my taste...it's just too thin to make the splash I'd hoped for by this point in my life.
I've increased the amount of pectin, arrowroot and carrageenan in my diet, which has aided in giving my urine a velvety smooth texture...but not the rich, thick density that I'm really hoping to spank the toilet water with. I guess what I'm looking for is something to augment the viscosity of my pee without sacrificing its astringency.
I'm open to suggestions. I just want results, and I want them now. When I piss, my neighbor needs to hear it over his snowblower. The guy at the urinal next to me needs to know that my stream could cut him in half. Most importantly, without needing to press his ear against the bathroom door, Doug Craven needs to know his baby boy has grown up a man.
On June 18th of this year, at approximately 10:57 AM, I received the first in a series of emails from a 42 year old Horseheads man that I'm just gonna go ahead and refer to as "Mark". Mark, evident by the title of this piece, offered me quite an interesting proposition...one that unfortunately, due to the intense preproduction details of Son of a Bitch: Part III, I neglected to take him up on. Though our correspondence sadly ended after a just few short hours--I'm hoping he's still out there, waiting, reading...and willing, all the more, to pay me for my services. After all, the holidays are upon us, and I could always use some extra cash.
Now, without further ado...our exchange, in its entirety:
Mark: if your that dude from barnes & noble I would love to spank you. would you say you are small, avg, larger than avg., or larger than avg. i'm for real. might even consider $ to watch you fly solo if you know what i mean. need to be discrete.
ETC: My penis has been mistaken as a monument downtown for years now.
Mark: LOL Just what I wanted to hear!! I knew you were hung!! If you knew no one would ever know would you show it for cash?
ETC: Show it how?
Shake my hips and twirl it like a propeller? Slap it against the inside of a urinal and give it a cold shower? Flick the tip purple? Hold it like a gun and give my best impersonation of Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver? Dip it in spoiled mayonaise? Get a paint set from the dollar store and decorate it like a WWII warplane?
I need specifics, Mark.
Mark: Just show it. Take it out. At a urinal. In a car. Dressing room somewhere. Your call. If you make it hard that would be great. Macy's dressing rooms would work. Just go in and I can look under or somethinig. I'll slide $ in first. can I trust you?
ETC: My associate (no worries, he lives in Virginia) warns me that I'm walking dickfirst into a rape scenario. That's a little unnerving. I mean, something like that would require at least another five bucks.
Mark: I'm not into rape scenes. I understand your apprehensive. this is way out of the box. think about it. let me know what works for you. again my 1 priority is privacy. if I had any idea you would tell someone if you see my out and about in public i would rather die than do this. i can't make it myself any clearer.
Mark: let me explain myself. i'm not a wack job. bit of a pervert... maybe. i'm a professional male here in horseheads and privacy is everything to me. i have to stay on the down low and need to be assured that no one would ever know if we did do something like that. if not.. no problem. i'm gone. won't hear from me again. just willing to pay $ to see what ya got. the more you show the more $$. you have a very unique look and now that i've seen your myspace i can tell personality too. not one to "judge" people it seems. that is why i felt comfortable sending you msg. anyway.. consider it. you don't even have to see me if you don't want. i'm sure that could be worked out. later.
ETC: Feel free to bring a headscarf and black ski mask, just leave your sword at home.
Mark: You got it! i'll be generous. the better the show the better the $. it would suck if you had a little p p. a chance i'm willing to take.
Mark: where is the most unusual place you jerked off?
Behind the counter of my most recent summer job...during business hours, Mark. To answer your question. The very location I relished our sole, tender discourse...
Coincidence? Most likely. We never had any customers, which made it quite lonely in there. But hey, you never know what was going on deep in my subconscious...
I, Eric Thomas Craven, hereby declare wiping overrated. I'll let all remaining brown moisture residue and goo chunks dry on their own, for they'll eventually crust up and flake off as I walk. This new practice will save me time, effort and a few bucks at the grocery store. I may have discomfort, or perhaps even a rash, but at least I'll have my dignity.
baby on board
Current mood: mellow
Category: Automotive
Is it just me, or does seeing "baby on board" in the rear windshield of the car ahead of you make you hold down your horn, speed up, tailgate, pass recklessly on a winding double line, brake-check and toss all your trash out the window at them??
"Oooo, I have a fucking baby!"
Shut the hell up and get off the road! You have no more rights or privileges than the rest of us! Get that ugly little shit out of your backseat and back on your wife's tit where it belongs!
hungry
crappy
horny
aroused
disappointed
hot
grateful
contemplative
optimistic
curious
thoughtful
flirty
thankful
refreshed
mellow
