Way deep down in the ocean, in the darkest depths where men can't go, or just don't make much effort to go because there really isn't much point, lives a race of mermen, and merwomen, and a few mercenaries…and fish.
The merfolk were ruled by a wise and honest king named Triton. Then the Kraken from "Clash of the Titans" trumped up some bogus claims about Triton being a devil worshiper because he carried a trident that looked like a pitchfork and got Triton killed in a mer-coupe. So the Kraken took over as king and kept Triton's daughters around as eye candy. The youngest of the daughters was a beautiful little merbitch named Grapefruit. Man and mermen are alike in the fact that when they get rich and famous they both have an odd habit of giving their children dumb ass names.
As each of Grapefruit's five sisters turned 15 they were allowed to float to the surface and check it out. What with Grapefruit being the youngest she had to endure five years of her sisters ranting on and on about how cool it was up top. There were so many things that were possible that weren't an option in the water, like smoking crack, vibrators, electric guitars, porn movies, and whiskey. Grapefruit listened to these stories while she was stuck at the bottom emptying out lobster cages just to fuck with those guys from "The Deadliest Catch."
Finally the day came when she turned 15 and went to the surface. She swam up to the top and saw a yacht where a spoiled trust fund brat was celebrating his birthday. She thought he was the hottest guy she had ever seen and immediately fell in love with him. She was floating there masturbating in the water when some drunk slutty chick dropped a roman candle she was shooting and ignited a large pile of fireworks that were sitting next to a fifty gallon barrel of gasoline, and an unnecessary box of oily rags and aerosol cans. The yacht blew up, killing everyone on board except for the hot birthday dude. He did get knocked unconscious on the drunk slut's obscenely large fake breasts and would have drowned but Grapefruit saved him and took him to shore. On the way she unzipped his pants and checked out his junk. She was pleased to see he had a pretty thick cock and his pubes were trimmed, thus making her fall even more in love.
She left him on a random beach and went back to the inky depths of the ocean to mope, and since she was a fifteen year old girl she had moping down to an art. She asked around to the drunk fishermen that fucked her sisters when they got lonely out at sea and found out that her dream dude was heir to some dotcom millionaire, his name was Pineapple and lived in a beach house within swimming distance from her palace. Every night she would swim to his house and stare into his window and watch him masturbate while watching "The Golden Girls" and choke himself with a belt. Her sisters told her there isn't anything romantic about stalking someone but Grapefruit didn't care because she knew they were meant to be together, he just didn't know it yet.
Eventually Grapefruit became so obsessed with Pineapple that she went to see The Creature from the black Lagoon (Whose real name was Billy) and asked him to make her human. Billy agreed but he lost his good recipe for merperson/human transformation and all he could find was a shitty one he got out of the back of a comic book. She would become human but every step she took would hurt like an I.R.S. audit. If she married her one true love it would all fix it's self but if her one true love married someone else she would turn back into a merbitch and would have really bad cold sores for the rest of her life, which would really suck since she would have to live in salt water. Also, Billy really wanted to try out for Atlantic Ocean Idol but he sang like an amputee (can't hold a note, can't carry a tune) so his fee for making her human would be her voice. She was stupid and in love so she agreed. Plus by some fucked up logic employed by many head cases she thought her suffering would somehow prove her love for him, even though he'd never know about it, making that train of thought pointless.
The next day she washed up on Pineapple's beach with legs like a porn star and a voice like Charlie Chaplin. Pineapple took her in because he was a sucker for a damsel in distress. He quickly discovered that Grapefruit couldn't talk or read or write and quickly brought her into his world of freaky deaky S&M sex because … A. She was hot B. she couldn't tell anyone what a freak she was.
Like many naive young girls she mistook his turning her into a fuck puppet as a sign that he loved her. This was dumb because… A. He was a pedophile
B. She was getting used
C. He was a pedophile
Eventually he met a rich girl at some random Miami night club and got engaged. Grapefruit tried to up the ante on the nasty shit she'd let him do with her body to try to make him love her more but it didn't work. In fact it just made Pineapple disgusted with her because she was so pathetic. He got tired of her shit and kicked her out, then he married the rich girl in a quiet ceremony at the J.P. the next day.
Grapefruit turned back into a merbitch and had a bad time of flopping back to the beach. The pavement was really hot and a bunch of kids followed her for a block and a half throwing rocks at her. Once she got into the ocean her cold sores broke out and stung like a jelly fish on steroids. Grapefruit did what any merbitch would do in her situation. She had her sister's fisherman friends post a bunch of videos on the internet of her and Pineapple fucking. When the videos came out his wife divorced him and he went to jail for being a pederast. He got gang raped "Shawshank Redemption" style for a few months before somebody shanked him in the rec yard. Not even his parents went to his funeral. Grapefruit had a miserable time of the cold sores and dated a few mermen she met at the bar but they were all scumbags. Eventually a boat filled with drugs sank off the coast of Cuba and she got hooked on coke. After that the Kraken got tired of her borrowing sand dollars off him for drugs so he paid somebody to harpoon her.
The end. No one lived happily ever after... or at all for that matter.
The moral of the story is: Most relationship problems can be solved if you just take the time to talk… and learn to read.
There once was a Texas mouse and a California mouse who became friends because they both blogged about cheese on "Mouspace: A place for mice". One day the Cali mouse found out he had to go to Texas for some business and set up a side trip to meet his internet Texan friend. They had a big barbeque complete with plenty of coleslaw, cornbread, and whit trash hotties. The Texas mouse brought out a bunch of rifles and they got drunk and shot at beer cans. Later that night they jumped in his truck and went mudding, then they went cow tipping. But as much fun as the Cali mouse had he still found his Texan friend a little too country for high society so he invited the Texas mouse to come to Los Angeles and learn a little about what real living was like.
So after a few months when the Texas mouse got all his crops harvested he flew out to the city of angels to see what all the fuss was about. The Cali mouse picked him up from the airport in his big fancy S.U.V. that took up two lanes of traffic, got amazingly shitty gas mileage, and didn't even have room for a gun rack. The Texas mouse had never seen a ten lane highway and was impressed, except he couldn't figure out how they could have all those lanes and still be in gridlocked traffic for three hours. He might have enjoyed sitting there sinking in the scenery but all the smog obscured anything worth looking at.
They stopped at a quaint sidewalk café for lunch across the street from a sidewalk covered in stars and paw prints with famous mice's names on them. The food was delicious but the portions weren't even as big as the side of refried beans the Texas mouse usually got with his meals. He was also amazed because the menu was the first one he had ever seen that didn't have chicken fried steak somewhere on it. The Texas mouse was very happy that the Cali mouse picked up the check because he could have fed an entire litter of mice for the cost of that one meal that didn't even fill him up.
That night the Cali mouse threw a party in honor of his friend. The girl mice that showed up had all the beauty money could buy. Most of them had fake breasts, bleached, shiny fur, and precisely manicured whiskers. This was agreeable to the Texas mouse but they all looked the same, most of them had tiny asses, and all the girls wanted to do was talk about how pretty they were. The Texas mouse tried to talk to a few dudes but none of them were interested in talking about anything other than how cool they were. None of the mice appeared to have jobs other than being cool full time. The Texas mouse was a little put off by the fact that some of the guys were wearing the same shoes and sunglasses as some of the girls, and some of the guys even had makeup on. A few of the drunker guests made fun of the Texas mouse's accent and ridiculed him for saying things like "Howdy" and "Ya'll." The Texas mouse found this amusing because the people making fun of him talked like Ninja Turtles and said things like, "gnarly", "radical", and called him "bra".
The Texas mouse borrowed the Cali mouse's S.U.V. and went to go get some cigarettes. He waved at a few strangers driving down the street. One person shot him the finger, one person ignored him, and another person pulled out a gun and started shooting at him. When the mouse got to the convenience store he held the door open for a pregnant mouse who rewarded him by screaming, "What the fuck you looking at?" The Texas mouse found it odd that half the items in the store were Brillo pads and car air freshener but he had learned that if nothing else, California mice appreciated cleanliness so he forgot about it and got his smokes. As he was walking out the door an earthquake hit and knocked a few glass vials of air freshener off the counter. No one seemed to notice the earth shaking except the Texas mouse, who was severely freaked the fuck out.
Later that night the Texas mouse tried to hook up with a tall blond mouse but the Cali mouse pulled him aside and informed him that the girl he was talking to had a dick. The Texas mouse went inside and got on the internet and found the soonest flight back to Texas.
The moral of the story: California is fucking weird.
I've got more fairy tales and fables to write but I'm sure I'm forgetting some obvious ones so I'd appreciate any suggestions.
Once upon a time there was a redneck that went noodling with his friends. For anyone who doesn't know, noodling is a stupid ass redneck sport where people try to catch catfish with their bare hands. Big ass catfish can drag people to a watery death or people can stick their hand in a nest of water dwelling snakes. Either way, it is an unnecessary risk and completely retarded.
Eventually the redneck caught a catfish and was completely taken aback when the catfish said, "Fuckin A dude. Please don't kill me."
Just because you don't have a formal education doesn't make you stupid and the redneck was smart enough to know that fish don't have lips or any sort of functional tongues for speaking so the fact that a fish was talking to him was pretty significant, so he let the fish go.
When he got home he told his wife about the incident. When he finally convinced her he wasn't drunk she told him that he found a magical catfish that could grant wishes. She had read in the Weekly World News that talking catfishes could grant wishes so she told him to go back to the lake and ask the catfish to give them a bigger trailer house. He knew going to the lake and trying to call up a talking catfish was a pretty dumb idea but his wife would never stop bitching until he at least tried, and it got him out of the house, so he agreed.
He went to the lake and called out.
"Catfish, catfish in the lake, git on ovah heaw, So my bitch ass wife will get off my nuts."
To his surprise the catfish swam up and asked him what he wanted. He told the catfish what his wife wanted and apologized for bothering the fish. He catfish told him that he was actually an enchanted socialite and did have the ability to grant wishes. He couldn't explain why someone would turn him into a fish, and give it the power to grant wishes, or why he didn't just wish himself human again, but hey, it's a fairy tale right? The magical catfish told the redneck to go home.
When he arrived at his single wide trailer home he was amazed to find that it had transformed to a double wide trailer and his 1987 rusted shit bucket pickup-truck had transformed into a 1992 rusted shit bucket pickup-truck. Well he barely had the screen door to the trailer open when his wife was already telling him she wanted more and he had to go back to the fish and get them a real two bedroom house with aluminum siding.
He knew better than to even argue when she got like that so he went back to the lake and called out,
Catfish, catfish in the lake, Git on ovah heaw, So my bitch ass wife will get off my nuts."
The catfish was a little perturbed because he was trying to watch "All My Guppies" when the redneck came calling so he gave the redneck what he wanted so he could get back to his soaps. Before he swam away he consoled the redneck and told him he understood what it was like to have a nag of a wife. The redneck was happy about the commiseration but he knew fish had a memory of about fifteen minutes and HIS wife was still bringing shit up from ten years ago. He was jealous of the fish.
Well he got home to find the double wide turned into a shitty prefabricated house that looked almost like a real house except it was sitting on cinder blocks with aluminum siding covering the view under the house where ten mangy dogs had already set up shop.
The redneck had been with his wife long enough to know what was coming so he took two steps on the porch, turned around, and started walking back to the lake. Behind him he heard his wife telling him that they could do better than the prefab house and he should go tell the catfish to give them a mansion big enough to fit all her relatives, a winning lottery ticket, some collectible plates, and a new set of plastic flamingos to put in the yard.
The redneck went back to the lake and said,
"Catfish, catfish in the lake, Either kill me or my wife, She's bad enough but I'm sure as hell not living with her mother."
The catfish had been talking with a few minnows and had come up with a plan. The minnows suggested he should get the redneck to wish for them all to be human, kill the wife, and make a bad ass bachelor pad. The catfish talked it over with the redneck and he agreed. When the redneck got home he found a four bedroom log cabin with a sweet Camaro parked out front. There was a note on the door from his wife saying she had left him. On the front porch were a fat guy and two skinny guys drinking beer who told him they were his new room mates. The entire garage was covered with pictures of blond chicks with enormous tits holding power tools.
No one cared enough about the wife to ask what happened to her but the redneck and the room mates lived happily ever after in their bachelor pad for about two weeks until the redneck got drunk and suggested that they go fishing. Then he got kicked out and wound up hooking up with another girl who was just as bitchy as his wife. Then his life started sucking again.
The moral of the story is: Some people leave one piece of shit and just start dating another one, and no amount of good advice is ever going to change that. So save your breath.
The Emporer’s New Shoes
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Writing and Poetry
There once was a drug dealer who called himself "The Emperor" that sold "lean" in the third ward district of Houston, TX. For anyone who isn't familiar with "Lean" it is basically cough syrup with codeine in it mixed with 7-UP, also called purple drink, purple stuff, bar baby, or sizzurp. It will get you fucked up but it isn't really any better than anything else on the market that will fuck you up. In all actuality it just makes you really sleepy, which can be accomplished for free with a good workout.
A few Houston rappers sang about it so everyone thought it was special so the price went through the roof. Now stupid people pay a lot of money for dumb shit that doesn't do anything more than other stuff that costs less, but that really isn't anything new. Dumbasses have been buying into hype long before the word hype even existed. A few of the rappers that made it cool O.D'd on it and died, but no one learned from their mistakes and it kept being cool.
The Emperor was dumb enough to believe the hype behind Lean so he was also dumb enough to believe the hype behind high priced sneakers, which he also learned from rap songs. You spend half your life in bed and half your life on your feet so there is a fair logic behind spending the extra dough on a good bed and some comfortable shoes, but the emperor just thought buying a bunch of shoes was a good way to show baller he was. If he actually had any business sense he would have invested in some land or an education, but he didn't, so he bought shoes with all his drug money.
One day some con artist from out of state were in town selling knockoff designer purses at the flea market when they overheard some of the emperor's dealers talking about how they were supposed to find a pair of the newest shoes rappers were singing about that week. The con artists kept hearing people talk about how obsessed the emperor was with new shoes so they hatched a plan to make some money off him. They started a rumor that they had the hookup on the newest pair of Air Bordens. It didn't take a day before the emperor heard about it and went down to the flea market to check it out.
The con artists told him that they knew a guy who could swipe a pair of shoes from the factory before they even went on the market. They said the guy was a big crackhead and loved to get swerved on lean, the emperor just had to cough up a bunch of crack and promethazine/codeine cough syrup and the shoes were as good as his. The emperor agreed and gave the con artists enough dope to keep them lit up for a fortnight. (That's two weeks for any yanks out there)
About the time the con artists ran out of drugs the emperor got pissed and sent some thugs over to beat them like an omelet. The con artists told the thugs that the crackhead was holding out for more dope and wouldn't come off the new sneakers. Upon hearing this and fearing he wouldn't be the first person on the block to get the new shoes, the emperor agreed to not only not beat the shit out of the con artists, but would give them more drugs to pay off the shoe hookup. So the flea market scam artists got fucked up for another two weeks. (That's a fortnight for any Brits out there)
This went back and forth for a while and eventually the emperor sent his goons back to the flea market to pop some caps in the con artists. He could deal with losing money and drugs but he was sick of these people playing with his shoe emotions. When the goons pulled out their straps on the con artists they realized they were about to get capped so they told the hit-men that the shoes where in the mail, and that the emperor would get them shortly. Of course they didn't have any shoes in the mail so they hatched an ingenious plan.
They went to the emperor the next day with an empty box of shoes and told him that the new pair of Air Bordens were so pimp that only the most baller thugs could see them. Obviously the emperor couldn't see them shits because they weren't fucking there but he was pretty fucking stupid and vain to boot so he wouldn't admit to even himself that he couldn't see the nonexistent shoes, lest he admit that he might not be as big of a baller as he thought. So the dumbass gave the con artists more drugs and a bunch of money and put on his new shoes.
Not seeing them was one thing but actually not feeling them when he put them on was another thing. The con artists didn't expect that. Plus, since the emperor thought he was the ballin-est thug on the block and he couldn't see them, then he figured; how could anybody else see them? Real or not, nobody was going to see his new shoes so there really wasn't any point in showing off some shit nobody could see. If he cared about things people couldn't see he would have opened a bank account years ago.
So the emperor got his thugs to take the con artists out into the country and beat them to death with baseball bats. He would have just shot them but he had watched "Goodfellas" about fifty times and thought acting like mobsters he saw on T.V. would make him cool. It didn't but that didn't make the con artist any less dead from severe head wounds.
But by that point the emperor had blown so much money on the con artists that he couldn't buy more dope and some other dealers moved in and took over his turf. The emperor couldn't afford to pay his goons so they all defected to the new dealer's side. Then one of the goons got hooked on crack and got busted sucking dick for crack money at a truck stop and ratted out the emperor for the con artist death as part of a plea bargain and the emperor went to prison. He used his previous street cred to get pretty powerful in jail, but with great power comes great responsibility. So he got shanked by a rival prison gang that decided he was responsible for them not getting clean laundry. He wasn't, but he still died… in jail… from an anal shank stab wound.
The moral of the story is: Like with cheese and windshield wipers, sometimes you have to pay the extra money for the good stuff. But paying extra for stupid shit is just being a victim of effective marketing, I.E. Brainwashing.
Rumple-Goldstein
Current mood: devious
Category: Life
There was once a poor mechanic named Mr. Den that was full of shit. He would lie about what time it was if he didn't have anything else to lie about. One day a prominent business man was in the shop getting his Aston Martin serviced and started complaining that he was getting audited by the I.R.S. Mr. Den overheard this and told the businessman that his daughter was a wizard with shifty paperwork and could fix his books for him. The businessman was very happy and told Mr. Den that he would pay handsomely if she could get the I.R.S. off his back.
The next day the dad took his daughter May to the businessman's office. She was led to a room filled with filing cabinets and told that the I.R.S. was going to inspect everything in the room the next day and she had to fix all the paperwork before the start of the business day. When May was left alone she started to cry uncontrollably because she wasn't very good at fractions, let alone tax laws and accounting. A little Jewish man was walking by and heard her crying. He stopped in and asked her what was wrong so she told him her story. He told her he could balance all the books but she would have to give him something. She didn't have anything to give so she gave him a blowjob. The little man hadn't busted a nut in a while and was very pleased with the head so he spent all night fixing the bogus paperwork.
The next day the businessman was very happy that he didn't have to go to prison. Unfortunately the auditors told him they were coming back the next day to check the books on a couple of laundromats that he owned. He called May back and took her to the office where he kept the receipts for the laundromat and begged her to fix the books. After he left May called the little man and begged him to help her sort out all the paperwork. He said he would but she would have to give him something. Again, she had nothing to give him so she fucked him in the bathroom.
The next day the I.R.S. came to the Laundromat and found everything to be in order, but they still had to run the numbers on a franchise of payday loan offices the buisnessman owned. Payday loan offices are evil anyway, even without adding under the table shit but he was using them to launder money for the mob. If he got busted for that he knew he'd be dead before he ever made it to court. He was so scared that he told May that he would marry her if she could fix the shady accounting at the offices. So she called the little man again and begged him to help her. He said he would, but she would have to give him something in return. She said he could fuck her in the ass but the little man said he wasn't into that. She told him that she had nothing left to offer. The man desperately wanted a child but the doctor told him he was shooting blanks so he told May that he would help her out but she had to give him her first born child. May couldn't think of any other way out of her situation so she agreed.
When the businessman found out he wasn't going to go to jail or sleep with the fishes he was so happy that him and May flew to Vegas that night and got married at the same place Britney Spears got married at.
Sure as shit nine months later a baby popped out and the little man came to collect his due. May didn't want to give up her child so she ignored his phone calls and hoped he would just go away. Anyone that has ever owed money to the attorney general or a major credit card company knows this usually doesn't work. It didn't work for May either. He hired a private investigator to trail her for a week and find out her routine, then he cornered her in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly. Just kidding, Wal-Mart put everything else out of business so that was the only place left to get groceries.
So… he cornered her in the McDonalds in the Wal-Mart and told her to cough up the child. She begged him to let her keep her child and cried so much that he decided to give her a chance. He told her that if she could guess his name by the next day she could keep the kid. He considered giving her three days to let her guess but that would be dumb. If she didn't know it on the first guess she wasn't going to get it. Knowing that was her only hope to keep her child she agreed.
The little man left her by the soda machines and went home. May held back a bit and then followed him to his house. Later that night she broke in and riffled through his mail. She found a credit card bill addressed to Rumple S. Goldstein. The next day Rumple showed up at May's house and told her to guess his name. She calmly replied, "Your name is Rumple S. Goldstein."
He got pissed and called her a stupid goyum bitch and stomped off. He'd already spent several thousand dollars decking out a nursery for his promised kid so he figured he'd get even. He called the businessman and told him about the sex, the accounting, and the deal with the kid. The businessman told May to balance his checkbook and when she couldn't do even that he knew Rumple was telling the truth. So he called May a lying whore and kicked her ass out on the street and sued for custody of the child, which he got.
May got pissed and called the cops on the businessman and told the police that Rumple hid all his shady dealings from the I.R.S. There was a brief investigation and both of them went to prison for fraud, tax evasion, and in Rumple's case; soliciting sex, and trying to blackmail May for her baby. May went to jail for prostitution for fucking Rumple for favors and for whatever you get for promising your baby to a stranger. Mr. Den got fired from the garage because everyone got tired of him being full of shit.
Nobody lived happily ever after.
The moral of the story is: Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash.
There once was a pig that gave birth to three little pigs. The first little piggy was about as dumb as half a bag of dead squirrels. The second little piggy was about average intelligence. The third little piggy was like Doogie Howser smart. But momma pig didn't discriminate between her three babies and she made them all the same promise.
"When you're 18 you're out of the house."
So eighteen years later she kicked her kids out the door and told them tough shit and good luck. The piggies didn't feel like being responsible and get jobs but they did want to get laid. The third piggy sat down and tried to figure out how to get sex and money without having to work for it. He realized that lately society stopped rewarding people for hard work and focused on who got the most attention. So he decided to go on reality television.
He figured he'd have a better shot selling a three brother package so he talked his brothers into joining too. Unfortunately the masses had grown bored of just watching whiney assholes bitch all the time so reality T.V. started making shows where people got killed or otherwise beaten and maimed. That season of "Running Man" "Rollerball" and "Real World/Road Rage challenge" had already been booked up so they auditioned for "Wolf Island"
They were flown to a deserted island and dumped out on the beach. The premise was simple. There was a big bad wolf on the island that was going to try to kill them. All they had to do was stay alive for three days and they got a million bucks. On their way to the island the brothers decided the best way to stay alive was to build some sort of protection and just hunker down till the three days were over.
The first little piggy built his fort out of leaves. Shortly after he was done the big bad wolf found his hideout and said,
"Little pig little pig let me in."
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin" replied the pig.
"Little pig little pig let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in." Replied the wolf.
Obviously the pig wasn't coming out so the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew on the foliage fort. A few leaves fell down but about the only thing you can blow down with just your lung capacity is a house of cards. Plus wolves don't really have the lips required to blow. The most he could be expected to do was pant really heavily. It was a hollow threat. But that was kinda the wolf's catch phrase. They had it on T-shirts and everything.
So the wolf got a can of gas and some matches and set the house on fire with the pig still in it. Lucky for the pig he died of smoke inhalation before he was cooked alive. When the fire burnt out the Wolf had a tasty meal of cooked pork. He even sent some pork chops to his neighbor because he had some left over.
The second little piggy built his fort out of wood. It was a solidly constructed log cabin that could defend against any amount of blowing. Plus the wood was pretty fresh so it wouldn't burn very well. So the wolf tracks down the pig in his fort and starts in with his spiel.
"Little pig little pig let me in."
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin."
"Little pig little pig let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll kick the door in."
"Fuck"
So the big bad wolf kicked in the door and stabbed the second little piggy in the face with a buck knife. Then he skinned the pig and made a couple footballs. Then he cut out his guts and made a pot of chittlins which he seasoned liberally with hot sauce and enjoyed very much, even though it stunk up his house.
The third little pig got to thinking about it and decided that locking himself up for three days with no food or water while the big bad wolf tried to get in wasn't a very good idea after all so while his brothers were getting murdered he dug a moat in a field and filled it with sharpened sticks. Then he covered the moat with grass and sat out in the open field until the wolf found him.
When the big bad wolf found him he ran as fast as he could to catch the pig and didn't notice the trap the little piggy set for him. The big bad wolf fell into the moat and impaled his testicles on a sharp wooden spike. Then the little piggy sat there and laughed at the wolf and threw rocks at him until it was time to get picked up.
The little piggy won the million dollars and went back to him mom's house. She welcomed him with open arms and told him how much she loved him. He told her she was a cunt and moved to some fancy neighborhood where all the houses look exactly the same and all the neighbors gossip about each other. He still called him mom every year on her birthday to tell her how nice it is to be rich and remind her that she was a cunt.
The big bad wolf got his nut sack stitched back up and did two more episodes of Death Island but he caught a nut sack staff infection in the hospital and died a horribly painful death. Elton John changed a few lines from a song he already did for someone else that died and dedicated it to the big bad wolf. They got a fox to replace the wolf on the show but it never really caught on so the show got canceled.
The moral of the story is: Pigs don't have thumbs. They can't actually build anything. Fairy tales are silly.
I'm doing the Emo Carl blogtalk radio show again on Wednesday if anyone wants to check it out. We'd love to have you over. Click here for blogtalk radio It'll be at 7pm Pacific, 9pm Central
Jack and the Bean Stalk, and James Dean
Current mood: morose
Category: Life
Once upon a time there was a boy named Jack. Jack was retarded. He wasn't completely retarded though. He didn't have a big head and piss himself all the time. He passed as normal but his retardation showed when his mother asked him to do responsible things and he always fucked up even the most simple requests. Which is how this story starts, with Jack fucking up a simple ass request.
Jack and his mother were poor. I don't mean food stamp poor. They were backwoods, third world, Africa poor. The one thing they had going for them was a cow. Unfortunately the cow was going senile and kept trying to eat the aluminum siding off the house and it quit making milk. So the mother decided to sell the cow before it choked on something. She told Jack to take the cow to the market to sell, and then he was supposed to spend the money on a shitload of Ramen noodles because any poor person can tell you that you can live for years off just Ramen noodles. You might get sick of the mother fuckers and you won't be healthy, but you won't starve to death either.
So Jack took the cow to the market. As he was heading down the road he met a con artist who specialized in pyramid marketing schemes. He told Jack that he would trade the cow for five magical beans, then Jack could sell the beans and get his friends to sell beans too. Then for every bean his friends sold he would get a profit, then if they got their friends to sell beans Jack would get even more money. It sounded really good on paper but anyone who ever sold Amway or Avon knows it's all a crock of shit and the only way to make money off those things is to devote your whole life to it, but that doesn't really matter because you'll lose all your friends because no one wants to go to your house any more because they don't want to get guilted into buying a bunch of crap they don't need.
Needless to say, Jack's mother was pissed when he came back with some lousy beans. She threw the beans out of the window in a fit of disgust and told Jack he was adopted. Jack was sent to bed with no supper and a promise that if he didn't find some food the next day she was going to sell him to the town pedophile as a sex slave.
The next day Jack went outside and found that the beans had magically grown a huge beanstalk that led over the fence into the rich neighbor's property. His neighbor was James Dean from the classic movie "Giant." Jack figured if he was too stupid to earn some money he'd just steal it. So he climbed over the fence and broke into the neighbor's house.
He was rifling through James Dean's shit when his wife caught him. Right about that time he heard James dean come in from working the oil field in the back yard.
"Fee Fi Fo Fum. I smell the blood of a poor person who obviously doesn't care much about personal hygiene. Why don't poor people bathe? Soap is cheap and it doesn't cost that much to run a damn shower. Dignity and self respect don't cost anything. Fuckin hell, I mean really, somebody stinks like sour milk."
Jack pleaded with James Dean's wife to not call the cops. She was a nice lady and had been neglected sexually so she hid Jack in the pantry and fed James some Valium and a few mojitos. Then she convinced him it was just his own musty balls he smelled from working out in the field all day. When he passed out she made Jack give her a good deep dicking and snuck him out of the house.
On his way out the door Jack stole James Dean's money clip with five hundred bucks cash and a bunch of credit cards. Jack had a field day with James's credit cards.
The next day Jack was feeling a little greedy and a lot of horny so he climbed back up the magical beanstalk and over the fence again. Thirty minutes later he almost had Mrs. Dean talked into doing anal when James came home from the field.
"Fee Fi Fo Fum! There's that fucking smell again. Seriously honey, did you step in some dog shit and smear it all over the house?"
Mrs. Dean hid Jack and convinced James that there wasn't anyone in the house and that she just had a terrible yeast infection that was smelling ripe. She doped up her husband with a few Ambien and some whisky sours. Then she snuck Jack out the back door. On his way home Jack stole a goose out of the pond because he heard a rumor that it laid golden eggs. Of course it didn't because that would be physically impossible, but a nice roast goose is nothing to scoff at.
Emboldened by his newly wet dick and a few dollars in his pocket Jack decided to go back to the Dean's house for some more pussy and pilfering. He had his eye on one of James's guitars. Unfortunately James came home early and caught him and Mrs. Dean making the beast with two backs in the laundry room and hit Jack on the head with a golf club. Jack ran away as fast as he could and climbed the beanstalk over the fence. James Dean was chasing after him and was halfway over the fence when Jack grabbed an ax and chopped down the beanstalk.
The fence wasn't that high so James Dean only fell a few feet and twisted his ankle. James Dean hobbled home and called the cops. The cops found the stolen credit cards and receipts where Jack forged James's signature. Jack was arrested for breaking and entering, forgery, burglary, and grand theft goose. He spent twenty years in prison and had a very unpleasant time of it. Jack's mother got a good job and married a successful merchant that specialized in pyramid schemes. They went into the televangelist business and got arrested a few years later for tax fraud. The Deans got a divorce shortly after the jack affair. Mrs. Dean married another rich guy and cheated on him on a regular basis. James died in a car wreck not long after the divorce. Now you know… the rest of the story.
White Trash Rapunzel
Current mood: neglected
Category: Life
I've been re-reading a bunch of the original Grimm's fairy tales lately to freshen up on my folk lore so I checked out Rapunzel and I have to say that the original is so fucked up I might as well just post it instead of rewriting it. But I'm not going to. So enjoy my version.
Once upon a time there were two rednecks named Bubba and Mary Sue that lived next to a wicked witch who sold assorted occult paraphernalia, hexes, and bathtub crank. One night the rednecks bought three hundred dollars worth of dope and a Ouija board. They stayed up all night smoking crank out of broken light bulbs and playing with the Ouija board. Around noon the next day they ran out of crank. They still hadn't got the board to work but, hey, what the hell do you expect? Aside from the fact that it's a useless piece of wood, even if Johnny Cash was going to reach out from the grave it wouldn't be to communicate with some jackasses in a basement with a couple of black candles.
The rednecks were out of money so Mary Sue convinced Bubba to jump the witch's fence and go steal some dope. So he did, and they smoked it off of some tin foil. Thirty minutes later they ran out again so Mary Sue convinced Bubba to go steal some more. So he went and got some more but as he was climbing back over the fence the witch caught him and told him she was going to feed his nut sack to the army of malnourished cats that she collected because she took in every stray she found but couldn't afford to feed them so most of the cats she "saved" starved to death.
The man begged her for mercy and finally she agreed to let him keep his nuts and the dope on the condition that she could have the baby him and Mary Sue were expecting. He was super excited because that meant he got to get high and he could spend his abortion money on more dope, oh, and he got to keep his nuts. So he agreed.
When the baby was born the witch put her in a big ass tower in the back yard so the kid could watch for the cops in case they ever caught on to her and raided her house. The tower didn't have any stairs and the witch's ladder broke when the girl was about fourteen so when the witch wanted to go to the tower she would call
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."
And Rapunzel would let down her hair and scream,
"Why don't you buy a ladder you cheap bitch? Don't you know how bad this shit hurts!"
Then the witch would climb up her golden hair and beat the shit out of her.
One day a handsome Prince was walking by and head Rapunzel singing from her tower. He instantly fell in love with her voice and wanted to see the girl who made such beautiful music. Oh, he wasn't actually a Prince. That was just his last name. He was one of the Prince brothers. Anyway, he peeked over the privacy fence and saw the witch walk up to the tower and say,
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."
Then he heard the angelic voice scream,
"If you won't get a ladder for me then do it for yourself. It can't be that easy for your old ass to climb up my hair! When you fall down and break your hip you've got a big I told you so coming from up here."
Later that night the Prince crept up to the tower and said,
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."
Rapunzel let down her hair and screamed,
"That's it. My hair is falling out. I've got a migraine, and I'm bored as fuck. When you get up here its go time bitch."
Rapunzel stabbed the Prince in the arm with a knitting needle when he got to the top. Then she fell in love with him. Of course he was the first guy she'd ever seen so it could have been the fucking Elephant Man for all it mattered, the Prince just lucked out. They decided they were going to get married. He told her he would come every night and bring a piece of silk until she had enough to make a rope to lower herself down so they could run away. She told him he could go suck a dick if he thought she was going to have him climbing up her hair all month and he could go take his happy ass to Home Depot to get a ladder. She also wanted some extra strength Excedrin migraine or some Oxycontin if he could get his hands on it.
So the Prince climbed down Rapunzel's hair and went to get a ladder. The sound of Rapunzel screaming from the weight of a full grown man dangling from her scalp woke up the old witch. The old lady went out and climbed up Rapunzel's hair and tried to beat Rapunzel but Rapunzel knew the Prince was coming back and she wouldn't starve to death in the tower if she killed the old lady so she knocked her old ass out with a table leg. Then she made a noose out of her hair and hung the old bat from the tower. It hurt like hell but she'd been dreaming about doing that for years.
When the old lady finally quit twitching Rapunzel took a pair of scissors and cut off her hair, letting it and the old lady fall three stories. The witch was faking her death so Rapunzel would drag her back up to the window, but you can't fake gravity. Amazingly though, even when the witch hit the ground she didn't die. She just broke every bone in her body. It was a shame too because she couldn't lift her arms to stop the thirty starving cats from eating her alive and getting the first good meal they had since she took them in.
The Prince couldn't find a ladder big enough so he rented a bucket crane from a tree trimming company and rescued Rapunzel from her tower. They cleaned all the blood and shit off Rapunzel's hair and sold it to a wig maker for a mint. They used the money to start an animal shelter for abused cats. Oh, and Rapunzel had both her parents arrested for abandonment. When the cops got there they found a bunch of drugs so they pretty much spent the rest of their lives in jail. The Prince and Rapunzel lived happily ever after. Her parents did not.
The moral of the story is: Animal hoarding is stupid and inhumane.
Hansel and Gretchen
Current mood: naughty
Category: Life
Once upon a time there were two little spoiled ass little shit head kids named Hansel and Gretchen. They didn't have an ounce of discipline and got whatever they asked for. When they didn't get what they wanted they'd break shit and throw a temper tantrum until they finally got what they wanted. Eventually their mom got so sick of their shit that she just packed up and left. The dad kept enabling them even though they made his life a living hell. He'd just been beat down mentally so long that he forgot he didn't have to live that way.
Eventually he started dating again just so he wouldn't have to be in the house with his two screaming kids. He met a wonderful woman that didn't scream all the time and he decided he had found true happiness, so he married her. Love had blinded him to the fact that she was a gold digging bitch and she was super nice to him because he was spending all his money on her. When she moved in she saw how much he spent on his kids. I mean really, why spend a hundred dollars on a designer shirt for a kid that's just going to outgrow in a month. That's just ignorant.
She hated him not spending that money on her. Plus the kids were driving her crazy with all their bullshit. She saw her husband was fed up too so she hatched a plan to get rid of them. That night she said to her husband, "If I have to deal with those little bastards one more day I'm either going to leave you or strangle the mother fuckers."
The father said, "How do you think I feel? I've been dealing with this since they learned to talk. But what shall we do, send them to military school?"
"Fuck that" said the stepmother, "We'd still have to deal with them on holidays.
The father shuddered at all the Thanksgivings they had ruined and how much Christmas was going to cost.
"I have a plan" continued the stepmother "We'll take them to the country and ditch them. They'll either get eaten by wolves or abducted."
Hansel and Gretchen overheard the conversation. Gretchen was worried because she knew most abductors were broke and she wanted a pony. Hansel went and stole a bunch of quarters from his dad's change jar and told his sister not to worry. The next day they drove out to the country under the pretext that they were going to buy a pony. The whole way there Hansel threw change out the window so when the sun went down they could follow the trail of quarters glistening in the moonlight. The parents had an elaborate scheme to fool the kids but they wouldn't stop bitching the whole way so the father just pulled over in the ghetto and kicked their asses out of the car and peeled out.
Even as the car pulled away Hansel could see crack heads gathering up all his change. Hansel and Gretchen handled the situation the only way they could. They started yelling at the crack heads and screaming and demanding their quarters back, as well as cab fare home. People started yelling out their windows for them to shut the hell up. A cop car pulled up and asked them what was wrong. Hansel cussed him out for not showing up earlier and kicked him in the shin. So the cop told them they were on their own and left them just as the street lights were coming on and the crack dealers were coming out to put in their night's work.
Hansel and Gretchen kept on throwing a temper tantrum and
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thirsty
enlightened
devious
morose
neglected
naughty