Suddenly I'm completely heartbroken. I counted the days for weeks when I was dying inside of homesickness, but now, being able to see it all visually, I am so so so not ready.
...Sitting on a carousel ride without any music or lights, everything was closed at Coney Island and I could not help from smiling. I can hear the Atlantic echo back, rollercoaster screams from summers past. and everything was closed at Coney Island and I could not help from smiling Brooklyn will fill the beach eventually and everyone will go except me...
As I sat in those fancy chairs in that fancy auditorium for the last time and cased the mass of familiar faces surrounding me and choked at the actualization, my song blared on a loop while more filed in all around me.
Clutching my heart as I do and pounding some imaginary cymbal above my head, I belted it like an unapologetic valediction to all my nearby new friends still unawares of my plans:
Baby, this town rips the bones from your back. It's a death trap! It's a suicide rap. We gotta get out while were young!
Then, I spotted him and sunk and the tears that had been welling the whole time threatened to pour so I whispered as I stared, remembering the first date: seated alone in a bar across from each other, eyes locked, proclaiming our common need to escape frequently and dreams of a partner to escape with.
Together, Wendy, we'll live with the sadness; I'll love you with all the madness in my soul.
Then spun back around to finish my anthem at a yell,
Someday, girl, I dont know when, we're gonna get to that place where we really want to go and we'll walk in the sun. But, till then, TRAMPS. LIKE. US., baby, we were born to run!
And a dear friend whom I hadn't had the opportunity to speak to in a few days interrogated, "Would you say that this song has some serious significance in your life RIGHT now?" and I knew then that my secret wasn't a secret and my anthem wasn't an anthem, it was just history repeating itself.
Currently
listening
:
Born to Run
By
Bruce Springsteen
"...I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn't know who I was — I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I'd never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn't know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds..." -JK
Hey, Jack, it's me. I don't mean to bother you, but something's been on my mind:
The end of this road that climbs the horizon will be reached in a matter of miles. And when the wheels cease to spin, the walls and the fences will grow higher than redwood trees. I know your demise, and I fear what will happen when the road fails to flow under me.
Oh, Jack, you see, I felt like your mirror with the wind whipping through my hair. And when the wheels ceased to spin, I cased my surroundings and realized I hadn't gone anywhere. And that the problems I'd left were couches in alleys that no one would ever claim. And the hardest part was sifting through the pieces of rain-soaked and rotten remains when I got home.
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: How about EVER? No.
Like to sing?: Not because I love to sing but because I love the song.
Have a job?: 3 places of employment currently, plus I freelance hairstyling & videomaking.
Have a cell phone?:until I lose/break it again it IS lost!
Have any special talents/skills?: videomaking. Hairstyling. Causing boys to think they really like me and then spending lots of wonderful time with me and then actually unintentionally making them realize they love someone else. .......yeahhhhh.
excercise daily?:My room is on the second floor...?
Like school?: see: dropped out.
CAN YOU
Sing the alphabet backwards?: ACTUALLY YES. QUITE WELL.
Speak any other languages: seulement un petit peu.
Go a day without food?: often. I forget. to eat. and sleep.
Stay up for more than 24 hours?: i think the record was like 80something?
Read music, not just tabs?: if you give me about 20 minutes per line.
Eat a whole pizza?: Dun eet. Yay fer CiCi's.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN
spirits/ghosts: seen one
God/Devil: yes
The World is going to end: in 2015
Love at first sight: sight/chemical reaction/magnetic pull
The Big Bang Theory: "It was an act of the Big Bang, I tell you!" (Ha. <3.)
Heaven/Hell: Yes.
HAVE YOU EVER
Set Any Body Part On Fire For Amusement: cigarette burns on forearm to match Brad Lombardino's
Kept A Secret From EVERYONE: probably not.
Had An Imaginary Friend: Raphy when I was like 3.
Liked A Teacher: Does camp counselor count?
Thought An Animated Character was Hot: Raphy. Aladdin.
Been On stage: "Come On Eileen" vocals with Sparkle Motion 2002. Plus however many TONS of theatre productions.
Watched A Sunrise/Sunset: My favorite first date/marriage.
Went To The Beach At Night: See: immediately above.
Gotten lost in your city?: haha. My name is Bailey. So yes.
Seen a shooting star?: (This kills me.)
Been to any other countries besides the united states?: Mexico, Canada, England, France
Had a serious injury?: broken tailbone for the longest time, fractured wrist, 4 torn ligaments in left ankle, hyperpatellasomething, nail.into.back.of.HEAD?
Stolen something important to someone else?: There was a rumor that I stole Chris Reed's Letter Jacket in 8th grade. That was Erica. I just took the DARE workbook. Why do I remember this?
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: HA. I brought my blanket to Psych once.
Cried over a girl?: A bottled blonde. Ha.
Cried over a boy?: what an understatement.
Kissed a random stranger?: check
Hugged a random stranger?: YESSSSS
Been in a fist fight?: with.my.Mom. oh and--
Been arrested?: Not yet. ;)
Done drugs?: i mean, even Tylenol is a drug.
Had alcohol?: poisoning too.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: yessss
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: ask Critter.
Been in love?: um. that would be a yeah.
Been to a casino?: They have. The best food.
Ran over an animal and killed it?: didn't die.
Broken a bone?: coccyx
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: HELL no.
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: HAHA! I lost SO badly. BUT. Shot a currently MIA random video to "Wake, Dead Man, Wake" when Brad and Ben started puking.
Made homemade muffins?: i usually eat all the mix first.
Bitten someone?: He asked me not to. I wish I'd listened.
Been to niagra falls?: Life goal. not accomplished.
Gotten the chicken pox?: at 2.
(x) smoked a cigar
(x) made out with a member of the same sex
(x) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) skipped school
(x) been called a slut... you know by my mom, or MichaelBall's mom? Seriously. People are so stupid.
(x) madeout with someone you don't even know their name
( ) seen someone die
(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) snuck out of your parent's house
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on one of your myspace friends... psh Boy With The Most Metal Heart Of All
(x) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(XXX) been on a plane
(x) had alcohol poisoning
(x) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from myspace
(x) been moshing at a concert
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(xxx) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
( ) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at work/school ...both
(x) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) slept in a car
(x) been tickled ... ah memories "you know what this will mean."
( ) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
(x) petted a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest... bowling with a raw turkey: STRIKE
(x) ran a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(x) failed a grade in highschool (X) been in a car accident
(X) had braces
(X) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(xxx) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(X) questioned your heart
(X) been obsessed
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(xx) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(xxxxx) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers ...(Holla at a wodie if you want that O.M. ... A Real Lion. ... Poo.)
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(xxx) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(♥♥♥) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(X) crashed a party ... "SO SICK SO SICK OF BEING TIRED... (30 minutes later) .... OUT YOUR WINDOW I'M LEAVING"
(X) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true... (it had certainly gotten me so far)
( ) humped a monkey ... WTF?
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed 'penis!' in class
( ) ate dog/cat food <br>( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
( ) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes
( ) been a cheerleader ... no but I coached for 3 years
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(xxx) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours everyday ... and I really really miss it.
(xxxxx) stayed up all night
FRIENDSHIP
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?: GUY! Ha.
Have you ever lost a friend?: MH. JR. MB. ...B R S.
Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?: :-* :-P , brrcold , much more betterer / not even a dozen
Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?: That time Polly and I didnt speak for months.
Do you miss any of your old friends?: um. most. deci. dedly.
What friend have you known the longest?: Whitney. 14 years.
How often do you spend time with your friends?: every moment that i'm not sleeping. And most that I am.
Do any of your friends drive?: OMG even RENEE drives now.
Has a friend of yours ever died?: Thomas Gibson. LauraAshley Williams. Michael Ray. Robert Acosta. Billy McDonnel.
Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?: gotten into Jonny R's volvo December 31, 2004.
LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
Have you ever been in love?: Its true.
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: i dont know what I think about anything right now.
What is your idea of the best date?:Something no one else would have been thoughtful enough to pull off.
What was your first kiss like?: with a stranger. in the street. with cars honking.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 15
Do you think love is a load of shit?: not at all.
Have you ever been dumped?: I let 5 people in 2005. That was awful.
dumped anyone: Unfortunately.
SILLY STUFF
What is your favourite genre of music?: iTunes: 140 Genres, 867 Artists...
Are you hungry?: ALWAYS?
Whatcha doin?: Making sure no one ever emails me. Making sure no one is IMing me. Making sure no one has updated their LiveJournal.
Do you like parades?: MARDI GRAS? just the bass drum.
Do you like the moon?: When it looks like the Cheshire Cat.
What are you going to do when youre done with this?: not sleep. duh.
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: MAX power.
Have you ever had a picnic?: I hear its strawberry Jelly for EVERY girl you schmooz, Jon McClay.
Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?: for selling the most candy.
Are you wearing any socks right now?: Halloween.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny?: amusing, but not funny.
pretty?: maybe were it not for this stupid nose.
sarcastic?: i try to make it a habit.
lazy?: duh.
hyper?:-active disorder? They thought, but then realized its just hypomania.
friendly: way too much so.
evil: quite the opposite
smart?: I made D's in high school and now in college. But I got a 25 on the ACT in 9th grade. So I have no idea.
strong?: My love endures. My arms do not.
talented?: at breathing.
dorky?: probably.
FOR OR AGAINST
suicide: lost Laura to it.
love: i dont know. it's a good idea sometimes.
drunk drivers:my love for them rhymes with hideous car wreck.
airplanes: take me to worlds that I should never have entered.
war: is over. if you want it.
united states: no comment.
gay marriage: why the hell not?
school: only if its down to business, but it's usually 90% bullshit.
surveys: always.
parents: against.
cars: ♥ My Civic ♥
killing: in tha name of
britney spears: sell out
coffee: too fucking pretentious
pants: JEANS
WOULD YOU EVER
Sky dive?: i think
Run away?: you mean have you ever? and like 30 times.
Curse at a teacher?: FUCK YOUR THEECKNISS OF LAIHNE AND BAICKGROUND, GEORGE BAUER.
Not take a shower for a week?: as in EVERY week?
Ask someone out?: i'll die to The Nothing before humiliating myself again.
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: i am more against this that anything in existance.
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: plan on living in London.
Go scuba diving?: I cant even play water levels on mario 64.
Write a book?: after this week, I have no choice.
Become a rockstar?: never be good enough.
Have casual sex?: NO indeed.
MISC
Who Named You: Ashley: mother. Laurel: father.
When Was The last Time You Showered: 30 days have september, april, june,........?
What Was The last Thing You Ate: Have I eaten today? Yesterday? What day is it?
Who Do You Wanna Spend The Rest Of Your Life with?: Look. It's not a question of who I want to spend the rest of MY life with, but that people continually submit that they believe they want to spend the rest of theirs with me until changing their mind within a month. Or week even.
How Many Buddies Do You Have On Your List: 300+, only about 10 of which I talk to more than once a month.
How Do You Eat Oreos: with a fork shoved through the white.
If You Could Change Your Name: Bailey ______
What will Your First Son's Name be: Sebastion Lane
Daughter's Name Will Be: Layla Rhiannon
Do You Like Scary Or Happy Movies: Think pieces.
Do You Like Talking To People On the Phone or in Person: "I'm starting to wonder if this whole thing is just better on the phone. Maybe we should never face each other again."
Lust Or Love: oh man. ummmmmmm.
Do You Consider Cheerleading A Sport?: WHAT THE HELL?! Of course. Do you have any idea how much WORK that is? Esp since I COACHED it for 3 years!
Bacon bits or croutons: shrimp croutons... shrimp stew... shrimp kabob...... thats about it.
How long can you hold your breath?: not as long as I used to.
Disney World or Disney Land: ROCKNROLLERCOASTERRR
Would you ever strip: hells no! But I would work at Hooters. (And I am about to.)
Do you do drugs?: what kind?
Have you ever been skinny-dipping: So this one time in 2004 me and Stephen and Tabe and Erik went to the beach at 2AM... ...but no.
Do you make fun of people: I take it back. I take it back. I take it back. I take it back. I take it back. I take it back. And I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep; I cannot dream tonight.
One pillow or two: one... and NickBrian, affectionately named by Polly and I at age 11
What's your bedtime: I shoot for before 6AM
Favorite Quote: No one will ever love you honestly; no one will ever love you for your honesty.
Do you like to swim?: once you can get me in the water.
Do you have a job? Three.
Pro-life or Pro-choice?: OPEN adoption.
Pencil or pen?: purple pen.
The best way to die: young. And not alone.
When do u want to die?: ehhh 30?
Have you ever called a 900 number: nope.
Would you ever go bungee-jumping: cha.
Which Winnie the Pooh character is your fave: my TWIN.
What was the last movie you saw?: The Holiday Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: A purple crayon, a lime green dollar store bear, & a beanbag pillow of Cody's from his mother.
What movie do you really want to see?: What is out? What's coming out? What day is it? Where am I?
Would you ever have cosmetic surgery?: Psh.
Do you like to dance: pllllleeeeeeeeaaaaaassseeeeee
What do you think of people who drink?: I cant save you, but I will love you.
Better to cry or laugh?: crrryyyyy
Do you think men and women can ever just be friends?: the question is can women and women ever be friends? Cause I only have male friends. Save like 4. Who are tomboyish enough anyway.
Do you bite your nails?: i hattteee mee
What's your worst habit?: ruining everything I attempt.
Who do you want to marry?: I dont think I do. That's the one thing we ever agreed on, you know. But were I to change my mind... oh he barely knows my name. But he likes it at least.
Do you organize your CD's?: obsessive compulsively autobiographically. See I know that I made this CD for someone else but didnt give it to them for personal reasons, which brought me to the purchase of THIS CD, which...
Who makes fun of you the most: Ashley.
What shampoo do you use?: Water?
What kind of computer do you have?:15" MAC Powerbook G4
What grade are you in?: 14th
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: yes
Or just make out?: never have. would like to someday.
How many posters do you have in your room?: Now? Since-changed ACB lyrics from the first performance of 1:27 hahah 2004, Pfal|Today'sLastDawn|BradleyHathaway 2005, HASTE THE DAY (Thanks Devin, I love you) 2005, Blood Brothers 2006, In The Face Of War @ The Darkroom 3/11/05 <3
"...I always had this dream of meeting an artist [woman], you know, that I would fall in love with and all ... even from art school, you know? And then we met and we're talking and that and then I don't know how it happened; I just realized that [she] knew everything I knew and more, probably, and, uh, that it was coming out of a [woman]'s head. And it just kindof bowled me over, you know?..."
So anyone who has been in touch with me lately knows... that I've had trouble feeling emotionally about anything for a few months now. And I've barely even been able to cry about anything ever. Even when I feel like I really need to, or that it would be really appropriate.
I remembered just now a song I that used to really like, for whatever reason, as a child. I downloaded it just now and put it on. I strained to listen to the words, and as they became clear, I began just endlessly leaking tears, and I still cant seem to stop.
There's a port on a western bay. And it serves a hundred ships a day. Lonely sailors pass the time away And talk about their homes.
And there's a girl, in this harbor town. And she works, laying whiskey down. They say "Brandy, fetch another round." She serves them whiskey and wine.
The sailors say "Brandy, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be! Yeah your eyes could steal a sailor From the sea."
Brandy, wears a braided chain Made of finest silver from the north of Spain A locket, that bears the name Of a man that Brandy loved
He came, on a summer's day Bringing gifts, from far away But he made it clear, he couldn't stay No harbor was his home
The sailor said "Brandy, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life, my lover, my lady Is the sea."
Yeah Brandy used to watch his eyes when he told his sailor's story. She could feel the ocean fall and rise, she saw it's raging glory. But he had always told the truth, Lord he was an honest man. And Brandy does her best to understand.
At night, when the bars close down, Brandy walks through a silent town And loves a man who's not around. She still can hear him say, she hears him say:
"Brandy, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be! . . . But my life, my lover, my lady I s. t h e. s e a."
...This just hurts my feelings so much. I still cant make it stop. I dont understand what is happening right now. it's the most geniunely weird thing I have experienced in a long long time.
contemplative
awake
forgotten
confused
listless
hopeful
indescribable
