We've been given a rare reprieve now twice. So far, we've had about 2 years more than I know I deserve with Dad. Now, thanks to the tests and medicine, we may have been given as few as 2 years or as many as... question mark.
My first thought was "if you gonna reduce workload, why not just say fuck it and retire". But we both agree: quitting will kill him quicker than any butter-topped fried steak could. And this thought, these thoughts, his condition, its ramifications, balance between life and death... all of this has never really been far from my thoughts.
So given the lack of "death" experience in my immediate family, it makes sense to me to celebrate, and celebrate hard, instead of prematurely moaning. That seems the CHILEAN way, no??! My position is thus: spend the money, get the RV, go west, fuck the practice, fuck the house, let's go on cruises, let's live it up, we are all right, all right, go, go, go, go...
In truth, that's been my thought from day one. In truth, I have supported my dad in heart un-friendly practices. But would either of us trade our steaks and wine at Sergio's bachelor party? Would any of us deny him a toast to his new and only grandson/daughter? Would you deny him and us our memories?
I want to live with my father for 2 years rather than with a person with heart disease for 4. Dad may feel different, but I suspect not.
There are worst things than being alone
Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Parties and Nightlife
I'm in my parent's living room, light off, listening to Bukowski on the TV.
They are hosting a party with all their friends.
I've had to interact, keywords "have"; keyword "interact".
I can't do it.I can't keep it up.
Stories about restaurants and schools; tales of children and PTAs; adventures involving garbage men and late bills.
I don't feel above them, I know I'm not below them; rather I am beside them, the observer, the questioner, the uninterested participant.
I'd like to think I'm anti-social but I can fake it well.
And I would rather spend the night listening to others have fun, watching the black and white ruminations of a man long since dead, a man I've never read, than interact with them.
And then God said "Let there be a museum"
Current mood: amused
Category: Religion and Philosophy
One of my employees is leaving Ohio to go to graduate school in Florida. As a going away present, I took our entire company to the CreationMuseum. If you knew Nick, you'd know just how appropriate this was and I really get a kick out of having the CM on my company credit card... legally
So what's my take on it?
Well to start off we all realize that it's a joke... not a funny one, but a joke none the less. To believe, to actually believe, that the earth is only 4 or 6 thousand years old because a man-made book says it's so is ridiculous. Furthermore, the group responsible for the museum, Answers in Genesis, is a fringe group even by conservative Christian standards... so don't believe for a second that the CM represents the viewpoint of anyone but a small, small, small percentage of the Christian faith... even saying percentage is unfair there are so few people that espouse this view. But as we entered the museum, on a non-descript Thursday mind you, we saw TONS of cars from all over the US. Someone made the quip that we were in the presence of the people that kept Bush in power for two years and I believe that. There is no telling how many of these people where there from the curiosity (as we were) or from belief (perhaps represented by the multitude of Mennonites present) but it is obvious that this joke will be told and retold for a while yet.
The place has great production value, 40 million dollars will do that, and I have to say the start was all right. It's basic premise is that the difference between sciences estimate for the age of the earth (4 billion yrs) and their estimate (4000 yrs) is different starting points... we (science) start with reason; they (Answers in Genesis) start with the Christian Bible. I say this is all right because it's not directly attacking science, merely stating a different point of view. And I am not one to criticize a person for having a different (albeit universally considered wrong) point of view. If you want to believe that Mordor and Hobbiton are real places because you read about it in a book, more power to you I say, just stay away from our schools please.
HOWEVER, as the museum dragged on, the REAL message became clearer and clearer... that message was the reason and science is responsible for all the woes of the world... that our turning away from god (Christian god mind you) is responsible for death and famine and drug use and teenage pregnancy and etc. It was so bad that by the end, there was no mention of creation but rather of how Christ died for our sins and how much better the world would be if we followed his teachings. It was laid on real thick in the last third of the museum to the point where the last movie of the tour was a sermon, plain and simple, and had nothing to do with creationism.
I am not going to argue the finer points of the above in this blog. I leave it up to you to find and exploit the obvious problems in their arguments. But the overall impression I was left with was amusement.... much like the amusement one feels when a kid believes, I mean really believes, in Santa Claus... you know it's not true but no matter what you say, it's not going to change that fact for the child every Christmas! This is why I don't like it when people (or magazines like CityBeat) come down on the museum the way they do. If you believe what the CM puts down, then IMO you are on the level of a child... and you don't make fun of kids for their misguided beliefs or poke fun when they fall or say silly stuff. I don't find offense in the CM for I know they have zero swaying power... no one is going to go in a disbeliever and come out a believer. Schools will not take field trips to it, not even Catholic schools. The CM is merely there to reinforce the belief of a young earth to those that already believe and, certainly not planned, amuse us unbelievers with their playful childlike antics.
On the upside, it was a great going away for Nick and he (and Joe, my other employee) really appreciated it. In fact, the museum is so well made, that if and when it goes under (after the novelty wears off and so do the crowds), it can EASILY be retrofitted into an evolution museum... makes me wonder if that wasn't the plan all along!
Thursday night felt like Friday,. which means that Friday felt like Saturday. Waking up on Saturday it felt like Saturday again until later when it felt like Friday. By Sunday I'm tired, but it's only feeling like Saturday so I pressed on. Now here today on Monday, it finally feels like Sunday and I can rest tomorrow.
This very under-publicized conference (at least to me) was held in beautiful Minneapolis, Minnesota. Beautiful the weather, beautiful the people, and beautiful the conference.
Day one's keynote was GG's CEO Josh Williams who reinforced the importance of the Indie game maker in today's market and society. I was actually NOT at that keynote because I had a late night that Friday (I'm telling you, beautiful night life) but I heard it was heavy on the Indie and light on the MMO
I did however make it for the sessions. The layout was simple: two tracks, business and design. Two formats, class and roundtable.
That day was spent learning the basics of business plans and round-tabling about the role of a producer in an Indie game development company. We also learned of Georgia Tech's Celia Pearce current work on "mermaids" as wells as a good talk on in-game advertising (a concept I was the only one to raise their hands as patently rejecting their use in my game but I was not so sure of that by the end of the talk!).
Saturday night was the usual drunken orgy of debauchery and sticky mistakes that happen after most conference... full of the types of events that you hope will stay back with the conference, but never do, never do. Ok, it was bit more toned down. Ok, actually, I didn't make it to the after-party at "1st Avenue" since I would be there for blonde redhead the next day but I hear it was fun. So it "could" have been scandalous, right? I mean you can't pack that much passion into four walls of sound and not have something happen, but hey what do I know, I wasn't there.
In any case day two was the money. 9am: Dr. Richard Bartle. Did not miss that one, would not miss it for the biggest baddest hangover/walk of shame I could have had that morning (could have, not saying I had either). This one was heavy on the Indie, heavy on the MMO.
Dr. Bartle was positively gushy about the prospects of Indie MMOs at the present. He made an effective case for this by citing the last Indie MMO conference... one that I had NEVER heard of: 1989's Adventure conference in Bartle's own home of Sussex, England. He drew distinct comparisons between the factors around the explosion of commercial and Indie MUDs at the end of the 80's and what is going on now with MMOs, especially or perhaps exclusively with Indie MMO. He went on to say that most of the people at that conference went on to do great things. He expected the same out of our group and went on to say that of the maybe 100 people there, two would stand out as leaders of the field in this field and go on and do great things (though I don't remember if they were "great things" in a Voldemort kinda way though). He admitted to not knowing WHICH two but basing his prediction what happened with Adventure 89 attendees.
The highlight of the later sessions was again Dr. Bartle and his Slaughterhouse roundtable. In it, Dr. Bartle challenged us to "slay the sacred cows" of Virtual Worlds or to keep them in, but always question why you took that decision. I think we managed to talk of at least 5 cows to slay which is a good way to hone Vonnegut's passing earlier that week. On the cow of "space": Should Virtual Worlds be discrete or continuous? 2D or 3D? What about maps? Is space needed for a Virtual World? And these are just the calves of one slain cow! A great discussion was had about the meaning of space, persistence, identity and other fundamentals of Virtual Worlds. The other standout for me that evening was Eric Rheas discussion of cash flow. Using his efforts and company as a foundation, he went on to give practical advice on getting multiple cash revenue streams around your company/product as Indies. The tangent discussion of remote teams and business models was very informative for all as well.
The conference was sponsored by Multiverse and organized by Jonathon Stevens of local Last Straw productions. As the former are currently making a full MMO platform (currently at Beta 2) and the later does Virtual World consulting, they had a lot to say and offer to the discussion at hands. They were not pushy of their technology or services at all. Rafhael Cedeno's talk about scalability and your business plan effectively turned into a Q&A about the Multiverse engine but also about general MMO concepts and Rafh was the first to want to discuss other MMO solutions (such as Bigworld or Keneva) as a way to motivate discussion. Rafh and Ron Meiners were present and helpful during the whole conference and did a great job of representing Multiverse at the event while Jonathon was just a blur of activity that you "think" you see out the corner of your eye, but you can't be sure. I sure hope he has a few days rest coming up!
It was a personally invigorating conference. I have never been prouder of what I'm doing right now thanks to Dr. Bartle's keynote. I can't really say that about any other conference except perhaps my first Serious Games Summit. A feeling of "these are my people!", that you are not alone, and that people are coming together to form community and support networks. As any first conference, there were the typical gremlins of tech problems and miscommunication. But the crowd was so into the conference that these minor annoyances did nothing to deter the lively communication and cross pollination of ideas in the hallways during the conference or during lunch at Jimmy Johns or wherever two attendees met!
Will there be another? This topic came up as Dr. Bartle and I were walking out of the Convention Center after the last talk of the last day. It was an unusually beautiful day and walking out into the sun temporarily blinded me. Upon recovery, I offered my opinion that since Multiverse was sponsoring and they are only in Beta, they still have release coming; so I'm sure there will be AT LEAST one more. Can't wat!
Hometown travels; Hometown blues
Current mood: pensive
Category: Travel and Places
I went to Morgantown, West Virginia on a whim this past weekend.
I got a bulletin from my old friend Matt that he was going to be in town and I decided to drive on up there and surprise him.I didn't tell him of course.Didn't tell anyone.Which is why it was such a rousing success!
I left at 9am to get there by 2pm.I had to be in front of a computer at 2pm in order to give my internet classes.I just baaareeellllyyy made it to the Blue Moose café.I got a sweet parking spot in front of the café and walked in.Who should be there knitting away with Ipod in ear by Tracy Jackson, another old high school friend.She was completely into her knitting so I sat down beside her and started my classes.It was half an hour before she finally went up to the bathroom and on the way back noticed me.I love that look on peoples faces (a look which was repeated throughout the weekend) when you just show up.I hadn't been back to Mo'town for at least 5 years after all and barely kept in touch with friends (I'm really bad about keeping in touch, even in this internet/myspace/email age).Hugs and hellos ensued and I tried to chat and teach classes at the same time.Eventually I had to give up to teach but not before I found out that she and her husband Jeff (whom is also from "back in the day") were getting a divorce.
This was the start of the whole marriage weekend as I call it.It seemed that everyone I know has gotten married (and divorced in some cases).I mean even the hard drug using, rock and rolling, bar tending misfits who would never succumb to society and normalcy had gotten married!It's weird.They who would never be labeled as "responsible upright citizens" (hence, my friends) are all doing the ultimately responsible thing and getting married.And you know the kicker?In NO case was it because of getting knocked up!At 34 perhaps I'm a bit old to have these feelings.Most people (women especially) talk about the have/have-not discrepancy in their late 20's when most people go off to a dark place and get hitched.But I digress...
Tracy had a 3pm hair appointment and my classes where over at 4.Matt didn't play until 7 and thus I had three hours to kill.I decided to take a tour of the city using all the places I've lived in as a reference (there are 6 places in all in the 11 years I lived there).Going from place to place I noticed the similarities, shocked at the differences, and kept thinking about the basic truth of time and age: things really are better back in the old days!Maybe it's the comfort times, maybe it's being used to a town the way it was and not the way it is, but the whole town is changing it's dynamic.TONS of student housing and apartments have cropped up to take on the increasing student load (they want to hit 30k in the future... over 6k more than they have now and about 10k more than when I went to undergrad there).Mind you, Morgantown has at most 50k people there (30k townies; 20k university) so 6k is like a 10% increase in population.Overwhelming to say the least.
On my way back (touring all of Morgantown only took 30 minutes), I parked in a car garage next to the Blue Moose and computer in hand decided to go in, get some decaf (whole other story), and do some work.I walked out of the garage and literally walked into Wayne Rowand, flamenco guitar player extraordinaire and another old dear friend.Another moment of surprised hellos' ensued and we walked up to the discount den to talk.Sure enough, he's married AND has two children.AND THEN, rounding the corner on high street, run smack dab into Tom Mc'clusky and AndyShore.Tom has been working Tall Ships for the last number of years and has only been back in town for about 3 months.Andy on the other hand has been in town this whole time and married to the sister of another core friend, Dan Mccauley.Now Tom is the ONLY one that I met this weekend who wasn't married.
Let's recap.I blow into town on a whim.But just rolling about town, I run into 3 of my core friends (Tracy, Wayne, Tom, Andy).Most are married and most talk how they never really go downtown but just happen to be there.Pretty nice for a unplanned visit.
Eventually it's time to go to The Tea Garden to hear Matt play.As it turns out, Wayne was going to be there with him just like back in the day.I arrive and get the typical manic Matt laugh as he is playing his guitar on the stage.Matt is married to Brooke and we go WAY back to high school and the stories between us are many and varied.While we were never close in high school, since he took physics with me in undergrad, we became closer during that period culminating in a month long road trip to check out graduate schools out west.Good times and good memories.Now Matt works at a national research laboratory in Rochester, New York and has two kids.Crazy.
Later that night I met up with Rose, Tom's sister, who I hadn't seen in decades and is dating another friend, Dan Rushell (sp?).We hung out for a bit, went to BW3s and then I headed to my hotel for the night.
Saturday was more of the same.Lunch with Tracy and her new beau Jason Kuntz (sp?) who is awefully nice and for some reason I think I may have met before.We went back to their house before I went over to the Capage's house to see my Brother and Sister in Law.Yeah, as it turns out my brother was in town too visiting his wife's family.So I went there and I got to see Laura Capage, another friend who I hadn't seen in decades? and who is also married with a brand new kid.I left at 8pm to try and meet Frank Schiebel, close friend and the guy that got me into martial arts.Him and his wife were in town for her baby shower, their first.Unfortunately I JUST missed them which is a shame for Matt and Frank have always been my core best friends; an interesting study in ying-yang, opposites but equals with me in the middle.I eventually made it to Matt and the Tea Garden again for his second show, at some food at the Boston Beanery and then drove over to Tracy's to stay for the night.Then Sunday I was off and back again to Cincy.
So this is my recipe for a good trip back to wherever you consider your hometown: make no plans.Tell nobody.Decide to take the trip 3 days prior on a holiday.This will make for a very interesting weekend.
Now that it's over, I'm left with a bittersweet memory.This is because everyone seems to have moved onto the normal path of life... marriage, kids, career.Yet I'm stuck with my project and, well, my project!Makes me think if I'm missing out on something.Makes me think for the first time in many decades if I will ever marry.Weird thoughts that I don't vent very often, but still relevant all the same. At what point do you know that you will be alone your whole life?Do you ever?If you don't but do end up will I spend so much time in my life on a pointless pursuit?Or does my pursuit of my project, my vision, condemn me to the life that I lead right now?There are no clear answers to these questions but these are the types of things that I think about here and now, fresh off my trip from where I grew up, from where all my dreams started and took me to where I am today.
sad
jubilant
uncomfortable
awake
amused
restless
tired
pensive
relieved
anxious